Bordertown (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Borderwall
1 El Coyote, this'll send you back to Mexico.
You're so stupid.
Can you smell the flowers? 'Cause it's spring time! Fart-socks! Viva Coyote! Bud forgot his lunch.
Egg salad?! Whoa! Immigrants pour into this country while an obvious solution stares us in the face: a border wall.
Why is this not already up?! Damn it! I'm pissed, America! Me, too! Uh, where's the volume on this thing? Balls smell.
Vodka's cool.
I smoke pot.
I'm a chick.
Why would she go on the air right after taking a face-down nap? Bud, shouldn't you be heading out for work? You don't want to be late.
Why, so I can suffer another day of insults and "indangnities"? You know, I was always told that if I worked for the Man long enough, eventually I'd become the Man.
Well, I've been working at that station 20 years.
But I ain't the Man, Steve is.
Even Ernesto is the boss of his grass thingy.
It's like the Mexican has become the Man, and I've become the Mexican.
I know what'll cheer you up, Daddy.
Let's play "Shoots and Ladders.
" Oh, okay, sweetie.
Get the ladder! Ernesto, what the hell are you doing now? Hola, Bud.
Just hanging a flyer for my business.
I've increased my marketing lately.
I'm even using social media.
Hola, Vine.
Hola, Vine.
Hola, Vine.
That's nothing.
I'm on social media, too.
Buckwald, you're late.
Get out there; you're on foot patrol today.
I'm not going on foot patrol.
That gay snake is out there.
Hiss.
Damn it, Buckwald, do your job, and no more excuses.
I'd demote you, but you're already the lowest ranking government employee.
If you got demoted again, you'd reset at the top and become president.
The only one that's ever happened to is George W.
Bush.
Foot patrol's a waste of time.
Done this for 20 years, never found one foot.
Whoa! Uh-oh.
Quicksand! Quicksand is so dumb.
What the hell is that? Oh, my God, an old plane! It must have been heading for the sky and got lost.
Holy crow! Our top story: a crashed smuggler plane was discovered in the desert outside of Mexifornia with $10 million in it.
The discovery was made by border patrol agent Bud Buckwald.
When phoned for comment, Buckwald tried to order a pizza.
Oh, Bud, you're a hero.
See what a difference a day makes? And I'm impressed that you turned the money in.
All ten million.
Not 9.
9, even though no one would have known the difference.
Oh, our rotted ceiling fell in my bowl.
I'll call it "hero soup.
" What are they gonna do with the money? They're having a town meeting tonight to decide, but I'm gonna make sure they use it to build a border wall.
Dad, a border wall would do nothing but waste taxpayers' money.
Why would you want to build a bowling ball? Isn't it more important we get my hearing checked? They want walls to keep out immigrants, walls around women's ovaries.
The Republican party is so "wally," it should change its last name to Cleaver.
I love Bob.
He stands up for the little guy on a network that costs $50 a month.
It's idiots like Bud who are behind this whole wall campaign.
I know a wall would be bad, but at least it would put Ramirez Landscaping out of business.
They're so bad, they make Diego Landscaping look like Martinez Landscaping.
I told that at Leaf-Con It killed.
Leaf-Con is just an excuse to go to Vegas by yourself.
Aw, come on, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Mayor Paulson.
He's one of us.
My brother's his property.
Good evening, citizens of Mexifornia.
Hey, what's that over there? The floor is now open to suggestions for how to spend Mexifornia's $10 million windfall.
We could use the money to build a badly-needed runway for our airport.
We could use it to finally pay my people a fair price for our land.
Ha, kidding.
We don't believe that land can be bought.
So (bleep) us, I guess.
This money is a test from God, who wants us to resist temptation! Just give it to me and this milky-skinned Laotian boy and we'll bring it to God.
We play with trains now? We play with trains later.
Uh, maybe we should find this drug money's original owner and return it.
What do you think, fellow citizens? Looks like it's unanimous.
Your Honor, as the hero who found all this money, I think it should go towards building a border wall! No! No! No! A border wall would be a huge mistake! She's right.
As the Robert Frost poem goes, "Something there is that doesn't love a wall" Oh, I thought someone was gonna interrupt me.
I don't know the rest.
Build the wall! Border wall! Border wall! Uncle Ernesto, people respect you.
You got to speak up.
I came to the U.
S.
because it is a place where everyone's voice can be heard and counted.
Our democratic system here may not be perfect, but I'll take it over the corrupt system I left behind.
I trust this open forum of debate will result in the right decision for our town.
So, in conclusion, Gonzalez Landscaping, we love you lawn time! Okay, ignore that! Look, does any other Latino want to speak up? Let's build the wall.
He's the guy from the cover of my novel.
It's unanimous Mexifornia will build a border wall! And DUI manslaughter is no longer a crime! Oh, come on! That preschool nap room came out of nowhere! Yes! I did it! Buckwalds, we're going to Disneyland's less expensive alternative, Disneyroom! This is just Goofy's rape room.
Here he comes! Run! Damn it! Citizens of Mexifornia, this border wall, now complete, will protect our beloved town for years to come.
So everybody light up! Hey, I had to be a Samoan guy's mattress for that.
Another glorious day with the wall protecting our country.
This isn't over, Bud.
I won't rest until that wall comes down.
Yeah, Dad.
It's destroying the ecosystem.
And Gert's preschool teacher is stuck in Mexico, so she's got a sub.
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes You're all doing it wrong! Attention! Ernesto, what the hell are you doing? Oh, hey, Bud.
Just breaking in new recruits for Gonzalez Landscaping.
My marketing push landed me the contract to maintain the border wall! Now everyone get in the truck! 'Cause we goin' Lawn-mowin' That wall is the crowning achievement of my career.
I bet I get a promotion.
- Buckwald, you're fired.
- What?! With that wall up, we don't need you anymore.
So hand in your gun and uniform.
What the hell are you wearing a Hello Kitty shirt for? You're not my boss anymore I don't have to tell you.
- You're rehired.
- I love Hello Kitty.
She's a kitty and she has a nice greeting.
You're fired.
Bud, you lost your job? How are we gonna pay our bills? Don't you worry, Daddy.
We gonna be fine.
I still got those pennies the Goldbergs gave us for trick-or-treat.
Sanford, you're 24 and able-bodied.
Maybe you could go out and get a job.
Sure.
Maybe I could sell drugs.
How would you feel if I were to sell drugs? He's amazing.
They really think he's their son! Hey, Bud.
I heard about you being let go at the station.
You know, if you need a job, I could use some help on my crew.
Because of the border wall, there's fewer immigrants left to hire.
No way am I working for you.
I'd rather go back to dancing for my dad's friends! Bud, take the damn job! Would I be the only white guy on your crew? No, no.
We have a Mexican albino.
I'm not an albino.
I look this way because I saw a ghost! Look, Becky, news cameras.
We're finally going to be heard.
Activists continue to protest the wall, demanding that Oh, God! I swallowed a bee! I'm allergic! Don't put this on Youtube.
God, how humiliating.
I've gone from one Mexican boss to another.
When am I gonna be on top? Well, in my experience, you just tell a Mexican man when you want to be on top.
Just let me watch my video, you boobed bozo.
Hola! Welcome to the Gonzalez Landscaping training video.
So, Julio, are you ready for your first day at Gonzalez Landscaping? SÃ, Ernesto! Landscaping can be fun.
But remember, always concentrate when using dangerous equipment.
So, Julio, have you learned what it takes to be a Gonzalez Landscaping lawn artist? Yes! And in an unrelated note, I hereby absolve Gonzalez Landscaping of any liabilities.
Everyone, I'd like you all to meet the newest member of our team, Bud Buckwald.
Oh, that's not my name.
Bud Buckwald is an important person in this community.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, Bud.
Why don't you use that leaf blower to clean up the debris? I'm good.
Hola, Bud! You want to come over for a cerveza? No, I don't want to watch cockroaches dance around a hat.
Bud, he's your boss now.
Go! How's your beer? Uh, good, uh, Mr.
Gonzalez.
So Okay, fine, I confess! I've been stealing office supplies! Bud Buckwald from high school? You're a gardener now? Wow.
I've never felt so proud about being a custodian at an adult theater.
Okay, that's lunchtime.
Who's up for a game of air lacrosse? Come on, Bud, join us! Ugh, fine.
Sir, we have an unidentified aircraft approaching the base.
Shoot it down.
No! That's it! There is no way I am going back to work for Ernesto! It's even more humiliating than working for Steve.
Bud, you can't quit now.
Sorry, but unless you find another way to make money, you have no choice.
Now, why don't you go watch TV and I'll bring you some tea.
And none of you turkeys better bother Daddy while he's resting, or I'll whip you with my CB antenna! Any little girls out there? Come back.
Janice, do you hear Spanish whispering? You mean now, or when you're out at bowling night? What? Uh, I'm at the store! My God, I've worked for Mexicans so long I'm hearing imaginary ones.
Janice, did you hear that?! What the hell?! Are you the guy? Yeah.
I'm the guy.
Gracias, señor.
By the way, you know about the, uh Yeah, he's the son we don't talk about.
Hey, Ernesto, I got a message for you! What is it? Look up in the sky.
Aw, crap! I filled out the skywriting form wrong! It's supposed to say "I quit!" Is that your social security number? I got to call everyone in town and tell them not to look up! Welcome to America.
You may ruin our country, but our country will ruin your children.
There you are, Bud.
You've been in the basement all morning.
What are you doing down there? I'm, uh making a jazz album.
From now on, no one is allowed to go down there.
A jazz album? Isn't jazz why the government tried to drown New Orleans? What about work? Shouldn't you be out cutting lawns with Ernesto? I quit.
My jazz career is taking off.
Here's some of my early royalties.
I don't like jazz.
Especially when I get it all over my face.
Wait, I'm thinking of adult contemporary.
Hey, Steve.
Good morning, Janice.
You look fly.
Is Bud here? He forgot to take home the crap from his desk.
Steve! Here's a thousand dollars.
Why don't you just forget what you saw here? Where'd you get a thousand dollars? Here's $2,000 to forget about that thousand dollars you saw.
And before you ask, here's $3,000.
- What? - $4,000.
I can do this all day.
Welcome to America.
Here's a list of states that are cool with you being gay.
The jig is up, Buckwald! I know what you're up to.
You're running a smuggling tunnel.
Please, Steve! I can't go to jail.
I like to shower on all fours, and the guys might tease me about that! I'm not sending you to prison, Buckwald.
Because I want in.
You you what? My salary's been cut, thanks to that damn border wall.
So I'm your new partner.
Fine.
It's a deal.
But you should know, my family thinks I'm making a jazz album down here.
That damn border wall directly bifurcates the natural habitat of the Mexifornia Condor, which is a federally protected species.
The court has to rule in our favor.
All rise.
The Honorable James Killbirds Borderwall presiding.
- What? - Sorry, my mistake.
Judge Borderwall is out sick today.
Oh, thank God.
In his place is the Honorable Jake Glasseshater Nerdstomp.
Ernesto, shouldn't you be at work? Actually, business isn't so good.
This wall was supposed to stop the immigrants, but for some reason, I'm seeing more immigrants than ever.
New gardeners keep showing up and undercutting me.
Hola, amigo.
What a great day to be in America.
Ugh, why couldn't immigration have stopped right after me? Hey, I just became a true American.
Ernesto, let me tell you how it works.
You spend years working for the Man, and one day you'll get to be the Man, too.
Like me.
I thought you were unemployed.
And why do you have all that - money in your car? - God, you're nosy.
Why don't you go investigate someone else, Murphy Brown? In Mexico, that show was called Fancy Sad Woman.
Mr.
Barracuda, as your accountant, I must inform you that a new smuggling tunnel in Mexifornia is cutting into your revenues.
What? I will not stand for this.
Where is my Beheadsman? Hi, boss! I need you to go to Mexifornia and bring me the guys running that tunnel.
What if it's a lady? Even if it's a lady.
What if it's a puppy? If it's a puppy, you can keep it.
Yay! Puppy, puppy! Don't get your hopes up.
If it's a dog, it's almost certainly a grown dog.
Well, that's the quittin' fart.
See you Monday.
Not so fast, Buckwald.
Before you go, sweep out the tunnel entrance.
Since when do you give me orders? Since you stood behind me when that bat flew into the tunnel.
I don't like 'em They're tiny vampires.
You're coming with us.
Is this where the Ninja Turtles live? Welcome to my monthly criminal syndicate meeting.
Let us first take a moment to honor those we've lost since the last meeting.
He is a big loss.
All right, let's get down to business.
I've discovered interlopers cutting into our smuggling business.
Normally, these men would be fed to my hungry croco-tigers.
Humblebrag.
But they manage a tunnel that empties into a border agent's home The last place authorities would look.
It's brilliant.
Brilliant? The gentleman behind this operation is here tonight.
His name is Steve.
What? No, I founded the tunnel.
- My name is - Beheadsman, remove that man.
Okay.
Hey, Buckwald, I got to take off for a few hours today, so I hired Kimmy here to keep an eye on you.
Hi.
Are you Bud? Your dad, Steve, tells me you like stickers.
Oh, that's it.
This is my business, Steve, not yours.
I'm the Man this time around.
And so now I get to say this to you: You are fired.
Fine.
You're under arrest for operating an illegal smuggling tunnel.
Oh, yeah? Well, you turn me in, I'll turn you in.
If you don't give me the (bleep) money, I'm turning you both in.
Buckwald, we just lost $2.
8 million to a 13-year-old girl, but remember this: I'm the Man.
This is the way things are and will always be.
Well, looks like ol' Bud wound up right back where he started.
Course, you don't need me tellin' you that.
You wasted your time watchin' it, too.
Well, stay tuned for the 10:00 news.
Uhp, we're not done.
Our top story: Due to an increase of undocumented immigrants in Mexifornia, Mayor Paulson has declared the border wall ineffective and called for its immediate destruction.
After hours of talks with my new consultant and cell mate, Jamarcus Jenkins, I have come to the conclusion that the world has enough walls, and that this bitch here, this bitch is all Jamarcus's.
He runs this bitch.
Well, Bud, I'm sorry your border wall didn't work out.
Yeah, I just wanted to be the Man for once.
Well, you'll always be my man.
And look on the bright side.
Your album reached the top of the jazz charts You sold seven copies.
The lucrative contract to tear down the wall has been awarded to Gonzalez Landscaping.
- What? - Yay.
The Gonzalezes are going to Hawaii.
Okay, not until season three.
What can we do? The Gonzalezes are solving a double murder with the help of Bones!
You're so stupid.
Can you smell the flowers? 'Cause it's spring time! Fart-socks! Viva Coyote! Bud forgot his lunch.
Egg salad?! Whoa! Immigrants pour into this country while an obvious solution stares us in the face: a border wall.
Why is this not already up?! Damn it! I'm pissed, America! Me, too! Uh, where's the volume on this thing? Balls smell.
Vodka's cool.
I smoke pot.
I'm a chick.
Why would she go on the air right after taking a face-down nap? Bud, shouldn't you be heading out for work? You don't want to be late.
Why, so I can suffer another day of insults and "indangnities"? You know, I was always told that if I worked for the Man long enough, eventually I'd become the Man.
Well, I've been working at that station 20 years.
But I ain't the Man, Steve is.
Even Ernesto is the boss of his grass thingy.
It's like the Mexican has become the Man, and I've become the Mexican.
I know what'll cheer you up, Daddy.
Let's play "Shoots and Ladders.
" Oh, okay, sweetie.
Get the ladder! Ernesto, what the hell are you doing now? Hola, Bud.
Just hanging a flyer for my business.
I've increased my marketing lately.
I'm even using social media.
Hola, Vine.
Hola, Vine.
Hola, Vine.
That's nothing.
I'm on social media, too.
Buckwald, you're late.
Get out there; you're on foot patrol today.
I'm not going on foot patrol.
That gay snake is out there.
Hiss.
Damn it, Buckwald, do your job, and no more excuses.
I'd demote you, but you're already the lowest ranking government employee.
If you got demoted again, you'd reset at the top and become president.
The only one that's ever happened to is George W.
Bush.
Foot patrol's a waste of time.
Done this for 20 years, never found one foot.
Whoa! Uh-oh.
Quicksand! Quicksand is so dumb.
What the hell is that? Oh, my God, an old plane! It must have been heading for the sky and got lost.
Holy crow! Our top story: a crashed smuggler plane was discovered in the desert outside of Mexifornia with $10 million in it.
The discovery was made by border patrol agent Bud Buckwald.
When phoned for comment, Buckwald tried to order a pizza.
Oh, Bud, you're a hero.
See what a difference a day makes? And I'm impressed that you turned the money in.
All ten million.
Not 9.
9, even though no one would have known the difference.
Oh, our rotted ceiling fell in my bowl.
I'll call it "hero soup.
" What are they gonna do with the money? They're having a town meeting tonight to decide, but I'm gonna make sure they use it to build a border wall.
Dad, a border wall would do nothing but waste taxpayers' money.
Why would you want to build a bowling ball? Isn't it more important we get my hearing checked? They want walls to keep out immigrants, walls around women's ovaries.
The Republican party is so "wally," it should change its last name to Cleaver.
I love Bob.
He stands up for the little guy on a network that costs $50 a month.
It's idiots like Bud who are behind this whole wall campaign.
I know a wall would be bad, but at least it would put Ramirez Landscaping out of business.
They're so bad, they make Diego Landscaping look like Martinez Landscaping.
I told that at Leaf-Con It killed.
Leaf-Con is just an excuse to go to Vegas by yourself.
Aw, come on, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen, the honorable Mayor Paulson.
He's one of us.
My brother's his property.
Good evening, citizens of Mexifornia.
Hey, what's that over there? The floor is now open to suggestions for how to spend Mexifornia's $10 million windfall.
We could use the money to build a badly-needed runway for our airport.
We could use it to finally pay my people a fair price for our land.
Ha, kidding.
We don't believe that land can be bought.
So (bleep) us, I guess.
This money is a test from God, who wants us to resist temptation! Just give it to me and this milky-skinned Laotian boy and we'll bring it to God.
We play with trains now? We play with trains later.
Uh, maybe we should find this drug money's original owner and return it.
What do you think, fellow citizens? Looks like it's unanimous.
Your Honor, as the hero who found all this money, I think it should go towards building a border wall! No! No! No! A border wall would be a huge mistake! She's right.
As the Robert Frost poem goes, "Something there is that doesn't love a wall" Oh, I thought someone was gonna interrupt me.
I don't know the rest.
Build the wall! Border wall! Border wall! Uncle Ernesto, people respect you.
You got to speak up.
I came to the U.
S.
because it is a place where everyone's voice can be heard and counted.
Our democratic system here may not be perfect, but I'll take it over the corrupt system I left behind.
I trust this open forum of debate will result in the right decision for our town.
So, in conclusion, Gonzalez Landscaping, we love you lawn time! Okay, ignore that! Look, does any other Latino want to speak up? Let's build the wall.
He's the guy from the cover of my novel.
It's unanimous Mexifornia will build a border wall! And DUI manslaughter is no longer a crime! Oh, come on! That preschool nap room came out of nowhere! Yes! I did it! Buckwalds, we're going to Disneyland's less expensive alternative, Disneyroom! This is just Goofy's rape room.
Here he comes! Run! Damn it! Citizens of Mexifornia, this border wall, now complete, will protect our beloved town for years to come.
So everybody light up! Hey, I had to be a Samoan guy's mattress for that.
Another glorious day with the wall protecting our country.
This isn't over, Bud.
I won't rest until that wall comes down.
Yeah, Dad.
It's destroying the ecosystem.
And Gert's preschool teacher is stuck in Mexico, so she's got a sub.
Heads, shoulders, knees and toes Knees and toes You're all doing it wrong! Attention! Ernesto, what the hell are you doing? Oh, hey, Bud.
Just breaking in new recruits for Gonzalez Landscaping.
My marketing push landed me the contract to maintain the border wall! Now everyone get in the truck! 'Cause we goin' Lawn-mowin' That wall is the crowning achievement of my career.
I bet I get a promotion.
- Buckwald, you're fired.
- What?! With that wall up, we don't need you anymore.
So hand in your gun and uniform.
What the hell are you wearing a Hello Kitty shirt for? You're not my boss anymore I don't have to tell you.
- You're rehired.
- I love Hello Kitty.
She's a kitty and she has a nice greeting.
You're fired.
Bud, you lost your job? How are we gonna pay our bills? Don't you worry, Daddy.
We gonna be fine.
I still got those pennies the Goldbergs gave us for trick-or-treat.
Sanford, you're 24 and able-bodied.
Maybe you could go out and get a job.
Sure.
Maybe I could sell drugs.
How would you feel if I were to sell drugs? He's amazing.
They really think he's their son! Hey, Bud.
I heard about you being let go at the station.
You know, if you need a job, I could use some help on my crew.
Because of the border wall, there's fewer immigrants left to hire.
No way am I working for you.
I'd rather go back to dancing for my dad's friends! Bud, take the damn job! Would I be the only white guy on your crew? No, no.
We have a Mexican albino.
I'm not an albino.
I look this way because I saw a ghost! Look, Becky, news cameras.
We're finally going to be heard.
Activists continue to protest the wall, demanding that Oh, God! I swallowed a bee! I'm allergic! Don't put this on Youtube.
God, how humiliating.
I've gone from one Mexican boss to another.
When am I gonna be on top? Well, in my experience, you just tell a Mexican man when you want to be on top.
Just let me watch my video, you boobed bozo.
Hola! Welcome to the Gonzalez Landscaping training video.
So, Julio, are you ready for your first day at Gonzalez Landscaping? SÃ, Ernesto! Landscaping can be fun.
But remember, always concentrate when using dangerous equipment.
So, Julio, have you learned what it takes to be a Gonzalez Landscaping lawn artist? Yes! And in an unrelated note, I hereby absolve Gonzalez Landscaping of any liabilities.
Everyone, I'd like you all to meet the newest member of our team, Bud Buckwald.
Oh, that's not my name.
Bud Buckwald is an important person in this community.
Ha, ha, ha.
Okay, Bud.
Why don't you use that leaf blower to clean up the debris? I'm good.
Hola, Bud! You want to come over for a cerveza? No, I don't want to watch cockroaches dance around a hat.
Bud, he's your boss now.
Go! How's your beer? Uh, good, uh, Mr.
Gonzalez.
So Okay, fine, I confess! I've been stealing office supplies! Bud Buckwald from high school? You're a gardener now? Wow.
I've never felt so proud about being a custodian at an adult theater.
Okay, that's lunchtime.
Who's up for a game of air lacrosse? Come on, Bud, join us! Ugh, fine.
Sir, we have an unidentified aircraft approaching the base.
Shoot it down.
No! That's it! There is no way I am going back to work for Ernesto! It's even more humiliating than working for Steve.
Bud, you can't quit now.
Sorry, but unless you find another way to make money, you have no choice.
Now, why don't you go watch TV and I'll bring you some tea.
And none of you turkeys better bother Daddy while he's resting, or I'll whip you with my CB antenna! Any little girls out there? Come back.
Janice, do you hear Spanish whispering? You mean now, or when you're out at bowling night? What? Uh, I'm at the store! My God, I've worked for Mexicans so long I'm hearing imaginary ones.
Janice, did you hear that?! What the hell?! Are you the guy? Yeah.
I'm the guy.
Gracias, señor.
By the way, you know about the, uh Yeah, he's the son we don't talk about.
Hey, Ernesto, I got a message for you! What is it? Look up in the sky.
Aw, crap! I filled out the skywriting form wrong! It's supposed to say "I quit!" Is that your social security number? I got to call everyone in town and tell them not to look up! Welcome to America.
You may ruin our country, but our country will ruin your children.
There you are, Bud.
You've been in the basement all morning.
What are you doing down there? I'm, uh making a jazz album.
From now on, no one is allowed to go down there.
A jazz album? Isn't jazz why the government tried to drown New Orleans? What about work? Shouldn't you be out cutting lawns with Ernesto? I quit.
My jazz career is taking off.
Here's some of my early royalties.
I don't like jazz.
Especially when I get it all over my face.
Wait, I'm thinking of adult contemporary.
Hey, Steve.
Good morning, Janice.
You look fly.
Is Bud here? He forgot to take home the crap from his desk.
Steve! Here's a thousand dollars.
Why don't you just forget what you saw here? Where'd you get a thousand dollars? Here's $2,000 to forget about that thousand dollars you saw.
And before you ask, here's $3,000.
- What? - $4,000.
I can do this all day.
Welcome to America.
Here's a list of states that are cool with you being gay.
The jig is up, Buckwald! I know what you're up to.
You're running a smuggling tunnel.
Please, Steve! I can't go to jail.
I like to shower on all fours, and the guys might tease me about that! I'm not sending you to prison, Buckwald.
Because I want in.
You you what? My salary's been cut, thanks to that damn border wall.
So I'm your new partner.
Fine.
It's a deal.
But you should know, my family thinks I'm making a jazz album down here.
That damn border wall directly bifurcates the natural habitat of the Mexifornia Condor, which is a federally protected species.
The court has to rule in our favor.
All rise.
The Honorable James Killbirds Borderwall presiding.
- What? - Sorry, my mistake.
Judge Borderwall is out sick today.
Oh, thank God.
In his place is the Honorable Jake Glasseshater Nerdstomp.
Ernesto, shouldn't you be at work? Actually, business isn't so good.
This wall was supposed to stop the immigrants, but for some reason, I'm seeing more immigrants than ever.
New gardeners keep showing up and undercutting me.
Hola, amigo.
What a great day to be in America.
Ugh, why couldn't immigration have stopped right after me? Hey, I just became a true American.
Ernesto, let me tell you how it works.
You spend years working for the Man, and one day you'll get to be the Man, too.
Like me.
I thought you were unemployed.
And why do you have all that - money in your car? - God, you're nosy.
Why don't you go investigate someone else, Murphy Brown? In Mexico, that show was called Fancy Sad Woman.
Mr.
Barracuda, as your accountant, I must inform you that a new smuggling tunnel in Mexifornia is cutting into your revenues.
What? I will not stand for this.
Where is my Beheadsman? Hi, boss! I need you to go to Mexifornia and bring me the guys running that tunnel.
What if it's a lady? Even if it's a lady.
What if it's a puppy? If it's a puppy, you can keep it.
Yay! Puppy, puppy! Don't get your hopes up.
If it's a dog, it's almost certainly a grown dog.
Well, that's the quittin' fart.
See you Monday.
Not so fast, Buckwald.
Before you go, sweep out the tunnel entrance.
Since when do you give me orders? Since you stood behind me when that bat flew into the tunnel.
I don't like 'em They're tiny vampires.
You're coming with us.
Is this where the Ninja Turtles live? Welcome to my monthly criminal syndicate meeting.
Let us first take a moment to honor those we've lost since the last meeting.
He is a big loss.
All right, let's get down to business.
I've discovered interlopers cutting into our smuggling business.
Normally, these men would be fed to my hungry croco-tigers.
Humblebrag.
But they manage a tunnel that empties into a border agent's home The last place authorities would look.
It's brilliant.
Brilliant? The gentleman behind this operation is here tonight.
His name is Steve.
What? No, I founded the tunnel.
- My name is - Beheadsman, remove that man.
Okay.
Hey, Buckwald, I got to take off for a few hours today, so I hired Kimmy here to keep an eye on you.
Hi.
Are you Bud? Your dad, Steve, tells me you like stickers.
Oh, that's it.
This is my business, Steve, not yours.
I'm the Man this time around.
And so now I get to say this to you: You are fired.
Fine.
You're under arrest for operating an illegal smuggling tunnel.
Oh, yeah? Well, you turn me in, I'll turn you in.
If you don't give me the (bleep) money, I'm turning you both in.
Buckwald, we just lost $2.
8 million to a 13-year-old girl, but remember this: I'm the Man.
This is the way things are and will always be.
Well, looks like ol' Bud wound up right back where he started.
Course, you don't need me tellin' you that.
You wasted your time watchin' it, too.
Well, stay tuned for the 10:00 news.
Uhp, we're not done.
Our top story: Due to an increase of undocumented immigrants in Mexifornia, Mayor Paulson has declared the border wall ineffective and called for its immediate destruction.
After hours of talks with my new consultant and cell mate, Jamarcus Jenkins, I have come to the conclusion that the world has enough walls, and that this bitch here, this bitch is all Jamarcus's.
He runs this bitch.
Well, Bud, I'm sorry your border wall didn't work out.
Yeah, I just wanted to be the Man for once.
Well, you'll always be my man.
And look on the bright side.
Your album reached the top of the jazz charts You sold seven copies.
The lucrative contract to tear down the wall has been awarded to Gonzalez Landscaping.
- What? - Yay.
The Gonzalezes are going to Hawaii.
Okay, not until season three.
What can we do? The Gonzalezes are solving a double murder with the help of Bones!