Bored to Death (2009) s02e03 Episode Script
The Gowanus Canal Has Gonorrhea!
( Theme music playing ) All the shadows in the city Used to love you, what a pity I miss the questions you used to ask me Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely Bored to death, cut, mad and lonely - (coughs) - Bored to death Cut, mad and lonely.
( whistle blows ) - Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
No problem.
I'm sorry.
As a kid I always used to love models.
That's okay.
The models are there to be studied.
So, George, I have your test results.
Is everything all right? I mean, no STDs? You know, somehow I have managed throughout the years not to get herpes.
Although one time my lip exploded.
It was incredible.
It was nice.
No, no STDs, no herpes.
All right, good.
Wonderful.
George, there's no easy way to say this you have Stage ll prostate cancer.
Oh, wow.
Okay, all right, okay.
All right, um ( stammers ) is Stage ll bad? - Well - I mean, are there a lot of stages? Is Stage ll good? Because I would like a good stage.
There are four stages.
It would have been better to have caught it sooner, but it's still fairly early.
Most likely the best course of action will be to remove all or part of the prostate.
Ooh, "remove.
" Um, I've never had anything removed before.
I mean like my my appendix.
My tonsils, wisdom teeth.
I hold onto everything.
I'm like a I'm like a hoarder, I guess.
But, um, I'm completely intact.
I understand.
I have hoarding issues.
My apartment is filled with plastic bags, unread "New Yorkers," congealed bottles of salad dressing.
Sorry, I just I can't believe this.
Um, okay, is, um, is that why I had the pain in my penis? No, I think that was just a random odd pain and not at all connected.
George, I know this is very difficult, but the mortality rates for prostate cancer are very encouraging.
Mortality? You know, no! Giuliani didn't die from prostate cancer.
Joe Torre didn't die.
Nobody seems to be dying from this.
I don't want to scare you, but some people do die, George.
That's why we're gonna do everything we can to help you.
Oh my God.
I can't die.
I haven't figured anything out yet.
I'm going to look after you as best I can.
( Groans ) Are you this kind to all your patients? No.
I'm not.
Hey kids, showbiz! Come on, let me hear you.
Now, kids, no more pussyfooting around here at the Slippera.
Speaking of, uh ( laughs ) Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together right now for the one, the only Miss Julie Atlas Muz.
( Instrumental music playing ) Wow.
This is incredible.
She's like a siren in a poached egg.
Jonathan, I want to talk to you about something.
I don't think our polyamory experiment is working.
Really? Oh, this is wonderful news.
I mean, I like Warren he's a great guy, a little obnoxious but I do prefer to have you all to myself.
Oh n oh, sweetie, I didn't say that right.
I adore you, but I want to be exclusive with Warren.
You're choosing Warren over me? I just feel that I have more of a history with Warren and he's my first love.
Well, we have a shared history.
I mean, three months, it's not epic, but it's not unhistorical.
Jonathan, Warren took my virginity.
I was with him for four years in college.
I think I'm supposed to marry him.
- Oh, I can't believe this.
- I'm sorry.
Why didn't you just break up with me on the phone? Why make a date? Why bring me here with a naked girl in a balloon blowing me kisses? - I mean, it's - Well, I thought that this could be a way to celebrate the sweetness and sexiness of our relationship? I'm sorry if it was a dumb idea.
I still really want to be friends.
Yeah.
- ( pops ) - ( Gasps ) Emcee: Miss Julie Atlas Muz.
( Brakes squeak ) - Jonathan Ames? - Yeah, who are you? Hey! What the what is this? - Huh? - Calm down or I'll ventilate you.
Ventilate? Listen, there must be some kind of mistake.
I have never been mugged before.
This neighborhood has been gentrified for years! No! Help! Help! No! This is a mistake.
( Whimpers ) ( screams ) Don't drop me! Don't drop me! - Where's the hard drive? - What hard drive? The one you copied and stole from us.
Where is it? You have the wrong person.
I don't know what you're talking about! - We're gonna drop you, jerkoff.
- No, ahh! - My Phone! ' ( Splashes ) Ahh, oh my God! Is that the Gowanus? The Gowanus has gonorrhea! Don't drop me! Don't drop me! - Does it really have gonorrhea? - Oh yeah.
I read about it in "The Post.
" All right, let's yank the kid up.
The tendonitis in my elbow feels like shit.
All right, we're pulling you up, you candyass.
You'd better talk! ( Groans ) - ( yelps ) - We know you have the hard drive, asshole! You were the last one to have a session before the cops raided the place.
Sylvia says she found you monkeying around in the office.
Oh, the dungeon! I thought her name was Mistress Florence.
I remember because my mother's name is Florence - Shut up! Now spill! - I don't have the thing.
I destroyed it for a client.
- I'm a private detective.
- And I'm a male model.
Jesus F.
Christ.
(gasps) - So who hired you? - I can't tell you.
- I won't tell you.
- Let me make this simple for you.
We're on the lam.
We need money.
That hard drive was our IRA - our retirement fund.
- Yeah, jerkoff! We had pictures.
We had videos.
We could have made a fortune.
- It was a blackmail gold mine.
- Now all we have is you and whoever hired you.
So you have a choice give us your client's name or we hurt you.
- That's a terrible choice.
- ( Finger snaps ) Ow! A charley horse? That is so cheap! - One more! - Name.
Okay! His name's not gonna do you any good.
He's a cop.
He knew there was gonna be a raid.
You guys were laundering drug money.
You're not gonna blackmail a cop.
He's right.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck! Should we kill him? What?! Kill no! No killing.
No killing.
I'll pay you.
How much do you want? Now you're talking.
We want to open up a new dungeon in Boston.
- That's about 20 grand.
- We only use the best equipment.
$20,000? That's impossible.
You see, I'm also a writer.
My second novel was just rejected.
I have to pay back my advance.
I teach at night to make ends meet.
I can't take this shit! Let's just kill him and get out of here.
No, shut up.
Do you have any rich friends? Yes, I have one.
But I don't think we should involve my friends.
Ow ow ow ow! Four! - I really like hitting you.
- You gonna call your rich friend? No.
Okay! Okay.
But I just want you guys to acknowledge that I probably could have taken a few more punches, but because we're in a rush I'll make the call now.
( Phone ringing ) - Hello? - George, thank God.
- It's Jonathan.
- Jonathan.
- Dear boy, how are you? - I'm in trouble.
- I've been abducted.
- What? Why? It's really complicated.
It has to do with one of my cases.
Anyways, my captors are demanding $20,000 tonight, or - Or we're gonna kill you.
- Stop saying that.
Anyways, George, it's actually quite serious.
Can you come up with that kind of money tonight? Jonathan, is this a joke? I've already vaporized two bags of pot.
This is not a joke, I swear.
I need you to bring $20,000 to Zolfo Concrete Factory on Ninth off Smith Street.
Did you get that, George? Write it down, okay? Jonathan: Ninth Street in Brooklyn off of Smith by the Gowanus Canal.
Uh, got it.
All right.
I'll mail it first thing in the morning.
Now who do I make the check to? No, George, not tomorrow, tonight.
I need you to bring the money in cash tonight! Do you understand? My life is on the line.
My life's on the line too! Oh, Jonathan, I meant to tell you in person.
I have prostate cancer Stage ll.
George: Can you believe that? Stage ll! Oh my God, really? Is that why you had the pain in your penis? No no.
The doctor said the pain in the penis was unrelated.
Oh my God, I I don't wanna hear about cancer or penises.
I want you to bring $20,000 by 2:00 a.
m.
or your weird little friend here is going to die.
I might die.
Did Jonathan tell you that I have Stage ll prostate cancer? Is there someone else you can call? Play ball or we're gonna hurt this kid in a permanent way.
- You hear what I'm saying? - Wait wait, yes.
All right, um, uh, concrete factory on Ninth in Brooklyn.
Did I do that right? Come alone.
No cops.
Don't be late.
Whoa.
Cancer? I can't believe it.
George is like a second father to me.
I wouldn't worry about him.
Cancer takes time.
Bullets move fast.
Most prostate cancer is treatable if it's caught in time.
My dad had it.
He's fine.
I'm pretty sure your friend will be all right.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
( Tires squealing ) ( tires squealing ) George, George.
I think we should just pay or go to the cops.
This is insanity.
No no, look what happened to the Lindbergh baby.
- Jonathan is not the Lindbergh baby.
- Well, to me he is.
You know, I'm very very fond of that boy.
What is that? It's a hand-held marijuana vaporizer.
( exhales ) If we're gonna do something this stupid, I don't think we should be stoned.
Oh, I'm already very stoned.
All right, fuck it.
What's the plan of attack? Okay, all right.
First we go to Howard's and we get outfitted.
You know, I was in the, uh uh, National Guard in Connecticut during the Vietnam War.
File that under "Who gives a shit?" Well, I'm just saying.
- Hold this for a second.
Let me just - ( Car honking ) - George, George! - All right, all right.
Um, hey, could I get a sip? Whoo! Thanks.
I've had a really bad night.
On top of everything else you guys, George's cancer my girlfriend broke up with me.
Wow, that sucks.
Why? She's going back to her college boyfriend this real fat jerk.
She says she still wants to be friends, but you know, I'm pretty hurt.
That's the worst.
"Let's be friends.
" I hope you told her to go fuck herself.
I would never talk to her like that.
I mean What kind of a dickhead are you? Don't be such a pussy! This is the lightest, most effective body armor money can buy.
- You need this, no discussion.
- Sold.
Howard, again thanks for opening up for us at such a late hour.
Come on, George.
In my line of work I'm always on standby.
- Right.
- Now, RUM-converted G4 rubber-bullet guns.
Nonlethal.
Made in Germany.
Very effective.
I chose these so in case something goes wrong, you can avoid a manslaughter charge.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean manslaughter? George? All right, we'll take them.
Stand down, George.
And make sure the safety's off before you go in-theater.
- Right there.
There you go.
- Okay.
Sure.
Oh, Howard! You sell vaporizers? Uh, no no! This is not "Star Trek" and these are not vaporizers.
This is a walkie-talkie.
You're gonna use this to communicate with Ray when you guys are in the field.
- Right, check.
- Marine-issue flashbang grenades.
Very very loud.
And cover your eyes when you throw these.
They create a blinding magnesium flash.
Confuses the hell out of the Tangos.
Splendid.
Howard, you really know your stuff.
- Doesn't he? - Our boys are using these in night operations now in Iran.
- Don't you mean Iraq? - Little less Sundance Channel there, Park Slope.
What are these guys for? I've had those action figures since I was a boy.
I look at them at night before I go to sleep.
So uh, Howard, your wife thrown you out, has she? No, I like camping out here.
You know, you spend a few nights here, go home on furlough, really bumps the conjugal visits up a couple of notches on the old gun belt, you know.
( Mimics explosion ) ( moans ) Ah-hh Well, we should go.
So do you have a girlfriend? Nah.
I don't have much luck.
You don't have any luck 'cause you're a tranny chaser.
You know I don't like when you say that! You're so judgmental.
- What about you? - I've been married 17 years.
- She's already up in Boston waiting for me.
- Wow.
I've never been with anyone longer than two years.
What's your secret? Never go to bed angry.
I pass this on to you.
Come on, that's your secret? Never go to bed angry? That's like the oldest one in the book.
I mean, that is a real cliché.
It's what my parents told me.
It's a cliché 'cause it works.
Now shut the fuck up! - ( Engine stops ) - That must be it.
All right.
We'll attack in 30 minutes at 0200 hours.
You know, 2:00 a.
m.
George, I'm gonna speak frankly.
I'm out of shape and you're old.
We shouldn't be doing this.
Oh come on, we'll be fine.
Really.
I always did beautifully during maneuvers at the Nat National Guard in Connecticut, yeah.
Hey look, I understand your concern and maybe I'm a little devil-may-care right now because I'm look, there's something I wanna tell you.
Oh shit, now what? I found out today that I have prostate cancer.
- What? - Stage ll.
George, I'm sorry.
That's terrible.
Yeah.
But something strange happened.
My new doctor is a woman and after she told me, she held me to her breasts.
Nice breasts? Yeah, very nice.
And then then we made out.
I mean she's a hell of a kisser.
I might be dying and falling in love at the same time.
Uh, I hope it's okay that I brought that up.
Your cancer? Of course.
I'm your friend.
No no no.
The falling in love part.
Jonathan told me that Leah broke up with you.
( Sighs ) Yeah, it's been rough.
People think that I don't feel things.
The truth is that I feel everything.
And you see, I read this quote on the internet by Oscar Wilde.
Oh, I love Oscar Wilde.
"De Profundis" is amazing.
Don't bring up that Oscar Wilde crap again.
- I can't take it.
- So when Oscar Wilde was in prison now I've done some time, which is probably why I relate so well to him he said he had "a love that dare not speak its name.
" My problem is that my love doesn't even have a name.
Oh yeah, it does.
It's called "tranny chasing.
" - Do not talk to me that way! - Get him! (grunting ) Thug: Cut it out! ( Blasts ) Oscar Wilde.
Morons! Get up.
George, why exactly are we attacking at 2:00 a.
m.
? Because that's when I'm supposed to deliver the money.
But how is that a surprise attack? Oh God! Ugh, you're right! I am a stoned idiot! I got mono-fixated on 2:00 a.
m.
Aw shit! We gotta go.
We'll be seven minutes early.
- That is hardly a surprise.
- Well, it'll have to do.
Ray: Why you running like that? George: It's what we used to do in Connecticut.
Hey, where's your helmet? Shit! I left it in the car.
Fuck it.
What's the game plan? Go look through that window.
I'll provide cover.
Why do you get to provide cover? Because I have cancer.
I cannot believe you're using that already.
I'm also older.
Just go.
Come on, go! ( Wheezing ) We owned a dungeon for five years and you can't tie a knot? You know I'm not mechanically inclined.
I can't believe you pulled that.
- We were having a nice conversation.
- I'm sorry.
You probably don't even like Oscar Wilde, do you? I love Oscar Wilde.
There's two of them.
What should I do? What'd you say? I can't hear you.
(gurgles) What?! Come on! (grunts) Oh shit, check the safety.
(gurgling ) Oh oh dear God! Ray? You shot me in the head! I'm so sorry.
It's Howard's fault.
He told me to check the safety.
Oh Jeez.
What the fuck is going on? Throw your flashbang.
Go throw your flashbang.
Why didn't you bring the money, asshole? George: I don't negotiate with kidnappers or terrorists.
Hey, we're not Al-Qaeda, jerkoff! We're Americans.
We own a dungeon and we deal drugs.
Really? What kind of drugs? Mostly cocaine.
A little Ecstasy.
I'd like to try Ecstasy.
- Oh, shut up, Dukakis! - Let's kill one of them.
Let's kill this one from "Lord of the Rings.
" - Oh God, no, I've already been shot! - Yeah, but it didn't kill you.
I am surprised it didn't even break the skin.
- George, shut up, please! - If you're gonna shoot someone, shoot me.
- This is all my fault.
- Okay.
- ( Ray whimpers) - Wait wait wait wait! Maybe you could just hit me again.
You wanna do that? You-you liked it before? No no, nobody's going to shoot anybody.
I'll get you the money, just give me till the afternoon.
Oh no, I don't trust you, old man.
You already screwed me once.
But we are going to shoot somebody unless I get my money! Are you crying? Stop! - ( Ray sobs ) - Thug 1: Get him a tissue.
I know someone we could call.
Jonathan, why did your friend park on the lawn? - Mom, he's not my friend.
- Is that the money? - Yeah.
- Dad, I'm really sorry about this.
- I'll pay you back, I promise.
- Shut up! Toss it over.
George, why are you wearing a helmet? Ray, what happened to your forehead? George shot me with a rubber bullet.
It was an accident, I swear.
He wasn't wearing his helmet.
What the fuck? There's hardly anything in here.
- What are you talking about? - There's $2,000.
That's plenty.
It's all I had in the house safe.
What are you gonna do? It's broad daylight.
- What's happening? - Florence, be quiet.
Fuck! Let's get out of here.
It's New Jersey.
It's too bright.
We can't kill people here.
Is everybody you know a backstabbing double-crosser? And I shared my booze with you.
What kind of a person are you? - Sorry.
- Stop apologizing all the time.
Sorry.
I notice you're driving a Zipcar.
- Is it more convenient than Avis or Hertz? - Dad! I just gave them $2,000.
I'm entitled to some information.
Thug 1: Let's go.
New Jersey sucks! Well, that's just rude.
Jonathan: This is me, and this is my collection of the original 26 Tarzan novels.
I didn't know you had "The Avengers" Korvac Saga.
Yeah, you can borrow them if you like.
- Nah.
- Hey I just really wanna thank you guys for coming to my rescue.
And, George, if there's anything you need, we're here for you.
I know.
Thank you.
And, George, I don't like to talk on the phone that much, - but, uh, you can call me anytime.
- Okay.
- I won't pick up, but you can leave me a message.
- Okay.
Florence: The eggs are ready! I also have whitefish! ( High-pitched voice ) No herring? No pork chops? Florence: I have herring just for you, Ray! - And lox.
- We'll be right down, Mom.
This is wonderful.
I'm starving.
Florence: Ira, wait for the boys! Ira: What? I'm hungry.
George: You know, I like New Jersey.
Is it true they've legalized marijuana? - Yeah.
- Oh.
George, you are the greatest pothead I've ever known.
George: Thanks, buddy.
Male vocalist: I'm not afraid of the dark We've been here before Fallen on hard times, honey We've fallen on swords If a long shadow Falls across your heart I'll be right here with you I'm not afraid of the dark I'm not afraid of the dark When the sun goes down And the dreams grow teeth And the beasts come out And cast their long shadows Every time they start I'll be right here with you I'm not afraid of the dark I'm not afraid of the dark when the sun goes down And the dreams grow teeth and the beasts come out And cast their long shadows Every time they start You can reach for me I'm not afraid of the dark.
( whistle blows ) - Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
No problem.
I'm sorry.
As a kid I always used to love models.
That's okay.
The models are there to be studied.
So, George, I have your test results.
Is everything all right? I mean, no STDs? You know, somehow I have managed throughout the years not to get herpes.
Although one time my lip exploded.
It was incredible.
It was nice.
No, no STDs, no herpes.
All right, good.
Wonderful.
George, there's no easy way to say this you have Stage ll prostate cancer.
Oh, wow.
Okay, all right, okay.
All right, um ( stammers ) is Stage ll bad? - Well - I mean, are there a lot of stages? Is Stage ll good? Because I would like a good stage.
There are four stages.
It would have been better to have caught it sooner, but it's still fairly early.
Most likely the best course of action will be to remove all or part of the prostate.
Ooh, "remove.
" Um, I've never had anything removed before.
I mean like my my appendix.
My tonsils, wisdom teeth.
I hold onto everything.
I'm like a I'm like a hoarder, I guess.
But, um, I'm completely intact.
I understand.
I have hoarding issues.
My apartment is filled with plastic bags, unread "New Yorkers," congealed bottles of salad dressing.
Sorry, I just I can't believe this.
Um, okay, is, um, is that why I had the pain in my penis? No, I think that was just a random odd pain and not at all connected.
George, I know this is very difficult, but the mortality rates for prostate cancer are very encouraging.
Mortality? You know, no! Giuliani didn't die from prostate cancer.
Joe Torre didn't die.
Nobody seems to be dying from this.
I don't want to scare you, but some people do die, George.
That's why we're gonna do everything we can to help you.
Oh my God.
I can't die.
I haven't figured anything out yet.
I'm going to look after you as best I can.
( Groans ) Are you this kind to all your patients? No.
I'm not.
Hey kids, showbiz! Come on, let me hear you.
Now, kids, no more pussyfooting around here at the Slippera.
Speaking of, uh ( laughs ) Ladies and gentlemen, please put your hands together right now for the one, the only Miss Julie Atlas Muz.
( Instrumental music playing ) Wow.
This is incredible.
She's like a siren in a poached egg.
Jonathan, I want to talk to you about something.
I don't think our polyamory experiment is working.
Really? Oh, this is wonderful news.
I mean, I like Warren he's a great guy, a little obnoxious but I do prefer to have you all to myself.
Oh n oh, sweetie, I didn't say that right.
I adore you, but I want to be exclusive with Warren.
You're choosing Warren over me? I just feel that I have more of a history with Warren and he's my first love.
Well, we have a shared history.
I mean, three months, it's not epic, but it's not unhistorical.
Jonathan, Warren took my virginity.
I was with him for four years in college.
I think I'm supposed to marry him.
- Oh, I can't believe this.
- I'm sorry.
Why didn't you just break up with me on the phone? Why make a date? Why bring me here with a naked girl in a balloon blowing me kisses? - I mean, it's - Well, I thought that this could be a way to celebrate the sweetness and sexiness of our relationship? I'm sorry if it was a dumb idea.
I still really want to be friends.
Yeah.
- ( pops ) - ( Gasps ) Emcee: Miss Julie Atlas Muz.
( Brakes squeak ) - Jonathan Ames? - Yeah, who are you? Hey! What the what is this? - Huh? - Calm down or I'll ventilate you.
Ventilate? Listen, there must be some kind of mistake.
I have never been mugged before.
This neighborhood has been gentrified for years! No! Help! Help! No! This is a mistake.
( Whimpers ) ( screams ) Don't drop me! Don't drop me! - Where's the hard drive? - What hard drive? The one you copied and stole from us.
Where is it? You have the wrong person.
I don't know what you're talking about! - We're gonna drop you, jerkoff.
- No, ahh! - My Phone! ' ( Splashes ) Ahh, oh my God! Is that the Gowanus? The Gowanus has gonorrhea! Don't drop me! Don't drop me! - Does it really have gonorrhea? - Oh yeah.
I read about it in "The Post.
" All right, let's yank the kid up.
The tendonitis in my elbow feels like shit.
All right, we're pulling you up, you candyass.
You'd better talk! ( Groans ) - ( yelps ) - We know you have the hard drive, asshole! You were the last one to have a session before the cops raided the place.
Sylvia says she found you monkeying around in the office.
Oh, the dungeon! I thought her name was Mistress Florence.
I remember because my mother's name is Florence - Shut up! Now spill! - I don't have the thing.
I destroyed it for a client.
- I'm a private detective.
- And I'm a male model.
Jesus F.
Christ.
(gasps) - So who hired you? - I can't tell you.
- I won't tell you.
- Let me make this simple for you.
We're on the lam.
We need money.
That hard drive was our IRA - our retirement fund.
- Yeah, jerkoff! We had pictures.
We had videos.
We could have made a fortune.
- It was a blackmail gold mine.
- Now all we have is you and whoever hired you.
So you have a choice give us your client's name or we hurt you.
- That's a terrible choice.
- ( Finger snaps ) Ow! A charley horse? That is so cheap! - One more! - Name.
Okay! His name's not gonna do you any good.
He's a cop.
He knew there was gonna be a raid.
You guys were laundering drug money.
You're not gonna blackmail a cop.
He's right.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck! Should we kill him? What?! Kill no! No killing.
No killing.
I'll pay you.
How much do you want? Now you're talking.
We want to open up a new dungeon in Boston.
- That's about 20 grand.
- We only use the best equipment.
$20,000? That's impossible.
You see, I'm also a writer.
My second novel was just rejected.
I have to pay back my advance.
I teach at night to make ends meet.
I can't take this shit! Let's just kill him and get out of here.
No, shut up.
Do you have any rich friends? Yes, I have one.
But I don't think we should involve my friends.
Ow ow ow ow! Four! - I really like hitting you.
- You gonna call your rich friend? No.
Okay! Okay.
But I just want you guys to acknowledge that I probably could have taken a few more punches, but because we're in a rush I'll make the call now.
( Phone ringing ) - Hello? - George, thank God.
- It's Jonathan.
- Jonathan.
- Dear boy, how are you? - I'm in trouble.
- I've been abducted.
- What? Why? It's really complicated.
It has to do with one of my cases.
Anyways, my captors are demanding $20,000 tonight, or - Or we're gonna kill you.
- Stop saying that.
Anyways, George, it's actually quite serious.
Can you come up with that kind of money tonight? Jonathan, is this a joke? I've already vaporized two bags of pot.
This is not a joke, I swear.
I need you to bring $20,000 to Zolfo Concrete Factory on Ninth off Smith Street.
Did you get that, George? Write it down, okay? Jonathan: Ninth Street in Brooklyn off of Smith by the Gowanus Canal.
Uh, got it.
All right.
I'll mail it first thing in the morning.
Now who do I make the check to? No, George, not tomorrow, tonight.
I need you to bring the money in cash tonight! Do you understand? My life is on the line.
My life's on the line too! Oh, Jonathan, I meant to tell you in person.
I have prostate cancer Stage ll.
George: Can you believe that? Stage ll! Oh my God, really? Is that why you had the pain in your penis? No no.
The doctor said the pain in the penis was unrelated.
Oh my God, I I don't wanna hear about cancer or penises.
I want you to bring $20,000 by 2:00 a.
m.
or your weird little friend here is going to die.
I might die.
Did Jonathan tell you that I have Stage ll prostate cancer? Is there someone else you can call? Play ball or we're gonna hurt this kid in a permanent way.
- You hear what I'm saying? - Wait wait, yes.
All right, um, uh, concrete factory on Ninth in Brooklyn.
Did I do that right? Come alone.
No cops.
Don't be late.
Whoa.
Cancer? I can't believe it.
George is like a second father to me.
I wouldn't worry about him.
Cancer takes time.
Bullets move fast.
Most prostate cancer is treatable if it's caught in time.
My dad had it.
He's fine.
I'm pretty sure your friend will be all right.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
( Tires squealing ) ( tires squealing ) George, George.
I think we should just pay or go to the cops.
This is insanity.
No no, look what happened to the Lindbergh baby.
- Jonathan is not the Lindbergh baby.
- Well, to me he is.
You know, I'm very very fond of that boy.
What is that? It's a hand-held marijuana vaporizer.
( exhales ) If we're gonna do something this stupid, I don't think we should be stoned.
Oh, I'm already very stoned.
All right, fuck it.
What's the plan of attack? Okay, all right.
First we go to Howard's and we get outfitted.
You know, I was in the, uh uh, National Guard in Connecticut during the Vietnam War.
File that under "Who gives a shit?" Well, I'm just saying.
- Hold this for a second.
Let me just - ( Car honking ) - George, George! - All right, all right.
Um, hey, could I get a sip? Whoo! Thanks.
I've had a really bad night.
On top of everything else you guys, George's cancer my girlfriend broke up with me.
Wow, that sucks.
Why? She's going back to her college boyfriend this real fat jerk.
She says she still wants to be friends, but you know, I'm pretty hurt.
That's the worst.
"Let's be friends.
" I hope you told her to go fuck herself.
I would never talk to her like that.
I mean What kind of a dickhead are you? Don't be such a pussy! This is the lightest, most effective body armor money can buy.
- You need this, no discussion.
- Sold.
Howard, again thanks for opening up for us at such a late hour.
Come on, George.
In my line of work I'm always on standby.
- Right.
- Now, RUM-converted G4 rubber-bullet guns.
Nonlethal.
Made in Germany.
Very effective.
I chose these so in case something goes wrong, you can avoid a manslaughter charge.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean manslaughter? George? All right, we'll take them.
Stand down, George.
And make sure the safety's off before you go in-theater.
- Right there.
There you go.
- Okay.
Sure.
Oh, Howard! You sell vaporizers? Uh, no no! This is not "Star Trek" and these are not vaporizers.
This is a walkie-talkie.
You're gonna use this to communicate with Ray when you guys are in the field.
- Right, check.
- Marine-issue flashbang grenades.
Very very loud.
And cover your eyes when you throw these.
They create a blinding magnesium flash.
Confuses the hell out of the Tangos.
Splendid.
Howard, you really know your stuff.
- Doesn't he? - Our boys are using these in night operations now in Iran.
- Don't you mean Iraq? - Little less Sundance Channel there, Park Slope.
What are these guys for? I've had those action figures since I was a boy.
I look at them at night before I go to sleep.
So uh, Howard, your wife thrown you out, has she? No, I like camping out here.
You know, you spend a few nights here, go home on furlough, really bumps the conjugal visits up a couple of notches on the old gun belt, you know.
( Mimics explosion ) ( moans ) Ah-hh Well, we should go.
So do you have a girlfriend? Nah.
I don't have much luck.
You don't have any luck 'cause you're a tranny chaser.
You know I don't like when you say that! You're so judgmental.
- What about you? - I've been married 17 years.
- She's already up in Boston waiting for me.
- Wow.
I've never been with anyone longer than two years.
What's your secret? Never go to bed angry.
I pass this on to you.
Come on, that's your secret? Never go to bed angry? That's like the oldest one in the book.
I mean, that is a real cliché.
It's what my parents told me.
It's a cliché 'cause it works.
Now shut the fuck up! - ( Engine stops ) - That must be it.
All right.
We'll attack in 30 minutes at 0200 hours.
You know, 2:00 a.
m.
George, I'm gonna speak frankly.
I'm out of shape and you're old.
We shouldn't be doing this.
Oh come on, we'll be fine.
Really.
I always did beautifully during maneuvers at the Nat National Guard in Connecticut, yeah.
Hey look, I understand your concern and maybe I'm a little devil-may-care right now because I'm look, there's something I wanna tell you.
Oh shit, now what? I found out today that I have prostate cancer.
- What? - Stage ll.
George, I'm sorry.
That's terrible.
Yeah.
But something strange happened.
My new doctor is a woman and after she told me, she held me to her breasts.
Nice breasts? Yeah, very nice.
And then then we made out.
I mean she's a hell of a kisser.
I might be dying and falling in love at the same time.
Uh, I hope it's okay that I brought that up.
Your cancer? Of course.
I'm your friend.
No no no.
The falling in love part.
Jonathan told me that Leah broke up with you.
( Sighs ) Yeah, it's been rough.
People think that I don't feel things.
The truth is that I feel everything.
And you see, I read this quote on the internet by Oscar Wilde.
Oh, I love Oscar Wilde.
"De Profundis" is amazing.
Don't bring up that Oscar Wilde crap again.
- I can't take it.
- So when Oscar Wilde was in prison now I've done some time, which is probably why I relate so well to him he said he had "a love that dare not speak its name.
" My problem is that my love doesn't even have a name.
Oh yeah, it does.
It's called "tranny chasing.
" - Do not talk to me that way! - Get him! (grunting ) Thug: Cut it out! ( Blasts ) Oscar Wilde.
Morons! Get up.
George, why exactly are we attacking at 2:00 a.
m.
? Because that's when I'm supposed to deliver the money.
But how is that a surprise attack? Oh God! Ugh, you're right! I am a stoned idiot! I got mono-fixated on 2:00 a.
m.
Aw shit! We gotta go.
We'll be seven minutes early.
- That is hardly a surprise.
- Well, it'll have to do.
Ray: Why you running like that? George: It's what we used to do in Connecticut.
Hey, where's your helmet? Shit! I left it in the car.
Fuck it.
What's the game plan? Go look through that window.
I'll provide cover.
Why do you get to provide cover? Because I have cancer.
I cannot believe you're using that already.
I'm also older.
Just go.
Come on, go! ( Wheezing ) We owned a dungeon for five years and you can't tie a knot? You know I'm not mechanically inclined.
I can't believe you pulled that.
- We were having a nice conversation.
- I'm sorry.
You probably don't even like Oscar Wilde, do you? I love Oscar Wilde.
There's two of them.
What should I do? What'd you say? I can't hear you.
(gurgles) What?! Come on! (grunts) Oh shit, check the safety.
(gurgling ) Oh oh dear God! Ray? You shot me in the head! I'm so sorry.
It's Howard's fault.
He told me to check the safety.
Oh Jeez.
What the fuck is going on? Throw your flashbang.
Go throw your flashbang.
Why didn't you bring the money, asshole? George: I don't negotiate with kidnappers or terrorists.
Hey, we're not Al-Qaeda, jerkoff! We're Americans.
We own a dungeon and we deal drugs.
Really? What kind of drugs? Mostly cocaine.
A little Ecstasy.
I'd like to try Ecstasy.
- Oh, shut up, Dukakis! - Let's kill one of them.
Let's kill this one from "Lord of the Rings.
" - Oh God, no, I've already been shot! - Yeah, but it didn't kill you.
I am surprised it didn't even break the skin.
- George, shut up, please! - If you're gonna shoot someone, shoot me.
- This is all my fault.
- Okay.
- ( Ray whimpers) - Wait wait wait wait! Maybe you could just hit me again.
You wanna do that? You-you liked it before? No no, nobody's going to shoot anybody.
I'll get you the money, just give me till the afternoon.
Oh no, I don't trust you, old man.
You already screwed me once.
But we are going to shoot somebody unless I get my money! Are you crying? Stop! - ( Ray sobs ) - Thug 1: Get him a tissue.
I know someone we could call.
Jonathan, why did your friend park on the lawn? - Mom, he's not my friend.
- Is that the money? - Yeah.
- Dad, I'm really sorry about this.
- I'll pay you back, I promise.
- Shut up! Toss it over.
George, why are you wearing a helmet? Ray, what happened to your forehead? George shot me with a rubber bullet.
It was an accident, I swear.
He wasn't wearing his helmet.
What the fuck? There's hardly anything in here.
- What are you talking about? - There's $2,000.
That's plenty.
It's all I had in the house safe.
What are you gonna do? It's broad daylight.
- What's happening? - Florence, be quiet.
Fuck! Let's get out of here.
It's New Jersey.
It's too bright.
We can't kill people here.
Is everybody you know a backstabbing double-crosser? And I shared my booze with you.
What kind of a person are you? - Sorry.
- Stop apologizing all the time.
Sorry.
I notice you're driving a Zipcar.
- Is it more convenient than Avis or Hertz? - Dad! I just gave them $2,000.
I'm entitled to some information.
Thug 1: Let's go.
New Jersey sucks! Well, that's just rude.
Jonathan: This is me, and this is my collection of the original 26 Tarzan novels.
I didn't know you had "The Avengers" Korvac Saga.
Yeah, you can borrow them if you like.
- Nah.
- Hey I just really wanna thank you guys for coming to my rescue.
And, George, if there's anything you need, we're here for you.
I know.
Thank you.
And, George, I don't like to talk on the phone that much, - but, uh, you can call me anytime.
- Okay.
- I won't pick up, but you can leave me a message.
- Okay.
Florence: The eggs are ready! I also have whitefish! ( High-pitched voice ) No herring? No pork chops? Florence: I have herring just for you, Ray! - And lox.
- We'll be right down, Mom.
This is wonderful.
I'm starving.
Florence: Ira, wait for the boys! Ira: What? I'm hungry.
George: You know, I like New Jersey.
Is it true they've legalized marijuana? - Yeah.
- Oh.
George, you are the greatest pothead I've ever known.
George: Thanks, buddy.
Male vocalist: I'm not afraid of the dark We've been here before Fallen on hard times, honey We've fallen on swords If a long shadow Falls across your heart I'll be right here with you I'm not afraid of the dark I'm not afraid of the dark When the sun goes down And the dreams grow teeth And the beasts come out And cast their long shadows Every time they start I'll be right here with you I'm not afraid of the dark I'm not afraid of the dark when the sun goes down And the dreams grow teeth and the beasts come out And cast their long shadows Every time they start You can reach for me I'm not afraid of the dark.