Boston Legal s02e14 Episode Script

Previously on Boston legal Take all the money out of the drawer and put it in a bag.
She already murdered a man.
Please let this one get away.
All the rules in this relationship.
I'm sorry.
But if you hit me or anything, I might literally die.
Your case is dismissed.
You're free and clear.
I've found you a job.
Come and get it.
So I've met this girl.
You did? Irma Levine.
You don't fool me.
She gives me a bit of trouble.
Hello.
Ms.
Levine.
Alan Shore.
Hello, Mr.
Shore.
Uh, is there something I can do for you? There is.
And let me preface my remarks by saying while we don't know each other very well and while I'd rather be speaking to you in person so as to beter gauge your reaction, Ms.
Levine, I've been having certain fantasies about you.
Intense, unabashedly sexual fantasies and I thought we could meet to discuss them.
Did you get that? One drink.
Ms.
Levine! Mr.
Shore.
I took the liberty of ordering champagne.
Thank you.
So? These fantasies? They're many and varied actualy.
But now that you're here they seem a very poor substitute for reality.
Well, I'll admit I've been having some fantasies of my own.
Have you? Tell.
I walk into a building.
My old high school gym you follow me inside and there are these booths set up.
It's election day.
Why not? I got into a very small booth and you follow me in.
Your hand, like the breeze, reaches up my inner thigh and I turn around and I say, "It's not right".
And you say Shut up and let's do this.
And you say, "What's not right?" And I say, "It's not right that I should vote and my vote doesn't count due to redistricting".
What? All of our elected officials are redrawing the district voting lines to tilt the elections in their favor.
Our officials are stealing our country, Alan.
And we need to stop them.
And I may need a lawyer.
And I'm guessing you're not looking for a naked one.
This could be the worst threat to democracy ever, Alan.
And no one is paying attention.
We're gonna make them pay attention.
Take our votes now! Oddly, this was one of my fantasies.
And the chilly weather is certainly an added bonus.
Pack it up, ladies.
Pack it up.
All right.
Ladies! That's it.
Let's go.
Okay.
Everybody stay calm.
Alan? Alan? Yes! No problem.
Ah.
Ah.
I forgot what I was going to say.
Oh yes! Ah.
And I say this with great reluctance.
Here.
Don't answer any questions.
I'll be down to bail you out as soon as I can.
And I'm not sucking up.
Saving that boy the way you did? You're a real local hero.
And the media darling.
The camera's loved you.
Thanks.
Hm.
Alan Shore said some very good things about you.
Well! He's an excellent attorney.
So tell me.
Why do you want to work at Crane, Poole and Schmidt? The money.
I've served for six years at the D.
A.
's office.
Working eighty hour weeks, eating dinner out of to-go tins.
My furniture is from my parent's garage.
And buy my clothes from "Janey's Dress for Less".
I could tell you some crap about wanting new and exciting challenges and blah, blah, blah.
But, why not just be honest? It's the money.
What kind of business could you bring to the firm? Oh, I made a lot of contacts when I was doing white-collar crime.
I also know a lot of cops and detectives, and inspectors.
And of course I am wired into the D.
A.
's office.
Uh huh! That's a website for a ski resort? Yeah.
Whistler.
Do you ski? No.
And it's really a shame cuz here I am freezing my butt off of Mount Bendejo.
Adios, muchacha.
Mr.
Hopper has finally come around.
It took us a long time to get him here, but he's willing to settle.
I'm thinking of getting them to name lung cancer after me.
Daniel? Are you listening to me? Think about it.
You know, it makes sense.
The Lou Gehrig thing? We're going in now.
Good morning, Samantha.
Mr Hopper in the rest room? No.
His wife just called.
He died this morning.
I can't believe you did this to me.
What did I do? This.
It's complete chaos out here.
I've never seen anything like it.
Ha, ha, it was quite a scene.
Oh, look! It's me! I can see that.
You were there in a sea of breasts and you didn't invite me.
It wasn't a sex thing, Denny.
This was a political protest about a serious issue.
I heard there were two hundred women.
That's four hundred breasts.
And you kept them all to yourself.
I have to get to an arraignment.
The topless woman? Yes.
I'll go with you.
It's in court.
She'll be completely dressed.
Aww.
Why are they pixelating them? This is a cable news channel.
You can show breasts on cable.
Yes, may I help you, dear? This is my office.
Oh.
I needed a base of operation for my sandwich cart business.
But, I You're a first-year? Right? Well, it goes like this.
Named partner, senior partner, junior partner, senior associate, sandwich lades, Xerox guy, janitor, first-years.
But I I'm on the phone, dear.
Oh.
Did she know that when she asked him? Oh, no! Ha, ha.
The lawsuit's been dropped.
The claims died with Hopper and the wife decided not to pursue it any further.
I wanna see she gets the original settlement offer.
You don't have to do that, Daniel.
Sure I do.
Hey! You busy tomorrow night? No.
Why? What's going on? I thought you might wanna go to a funeral.
Hopper's? No.
Mine.
We'll go in my limo.
I got a TV, I got the uppy downy things so we can make out and the driver can't see us.
Yeah.
Uh.
I love making out on the way to funerals, especially with the guest of honor.
What's wrong with wanting to see your own funeral? Besides, if you wait till you're dead you don't get to hear all the great things people say about you.
Think about it.
Daniel!? Denny! Lookin' good.
Thank you.
Do you wanna come to my funeral? Oh, funerals are sad.
Oh, this ones gonna be fun.
Count me in.
Tomorrow night.
No can do.
Busy.
Rain check? Absolutely.
He's a keeper.
Denny's great.
Yep.
He doesn't hear a think anyone says, does he? Nope.
Ms.
Raines? How was your interview at Crane, Poole and Schmidt? Short.
Docket number 667065, Commonwealth versus Irma Levine.
One count of disturbing the peace.
Your Honor, at this time the people would like to amend the complaint.
We are charging Ms.
Levine with Penal Code two-seven-two, section sixteen.
Open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior.
Are you out of your mind? How do you plead Counselor? Time out.
Your Honor, that charge is a felony.
This woman was arrested as part of a political protest, there was nothing lewd and lascivious about it.
Read the statute.
She violated it.
This is absurd.
If she is convicted she'll be forced to register as a sex offender.
Save it for the jury, counselor.
How do you plead? Even more not guilty than we were prepared to plead a moment ago.
Conference with the clerk to set the trial date.
Next case.
Why are you doing this? I'm late.
There were two hundred women arrested that day.
Are you going to charge them all as sex offenders? We're going to see how this goes first.
What the hell happened in your interview with Holly Raines? I don't like your tone.
And you're square.
Game over.
Now what the hell happened? Didn't like her.
She was only here for the money.
Brad! Everyone from the senior partners to the assistant janitor is only here for the money! Okay.
Look.
You had an affair with Tara.
You paid your assistant to sleep with you.
I'm a partner now, I'm not gonna let you use this firm as an escort service! This was not about sex! It's about bribery! I had to offer her an interview to get Catherine Piper off.
Now you've made her mad and she's taking it out on another client of mine! What the hell are you doing? Strengthening my quads.
Ski season.
They say it was caused by stress from the first Gulf war.
But, whatever the cause, Brad Chase does indeed suffer from a severe case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome and his gastroenterologist has told him to take up sports to strengthen the gluteus maximus muscles to control things back there.
And this is the first I've ever heard of it but apparently the high altitude of the ski slopes is also good in helping to prevent leakage.
Something to do with the thin air.
So.
Long story short I will get you another interview with a named partner.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, can you please charge Irma Levine with something reasonable? Or better yet just drop the whole thing.
Can't do it.
I'll never be able to guarantee you a job but I promise I know you think this is about me being mad at Crane, Poole and Schmidt, but it isn't.
This comes straight from my boss.
Why does the District Attorney care about this? He wants to set an example to discourage these kinds of protests.
Ms.
Raines.
If you convict Irma of this charge she'll have to register as a sex offender.
She'll be lumped into the same group as rapist and child molesters.
All because of a political protest.
How can this seem even remotely fair to you? It's out of my hands.
Parson's trial.
We're trying to plead this out, so I want you to research any cases involving deaths resulting from marital disputes.
I'm on it.
I do have a slight problem.
There's an old woman in my office.
Pardon? The sandwich lady.
Catherine.
She's taken over my office.
Am I to understand that you, a lawyer working at one of the most prestigious firms in the Boston area, cannot negotiate with the sandwich lady to get her out of your office? Well, of course I can.
I just don't wanna take up the firm's billable time.
You think this will take time? Well, no sir.
I'll take care of it.
Forget I said anything.
Please.
Shirley! Just the person I needed to see.
I'm in a terrible bind and I need to borrow your breasts.
All right.
But have them home by eleven.
I'm sure you've followed Irma Levine's case in the news.
I have.
Then you know the D.
A.
, or whoever is pressuring him is attempting to suppress political protests.
Naked ones, yes.
This is not a small issue, Shirley.
This type of thing is going on all over the country.
They've banned roadside parking and camping in Crawford, Texas to stop people from protesting the war.
If you criticize this administration, they just might reveal your wife is a CIA agent.
Congress is creating a law that forces people with political blogs either register with the government or face potential prosecution.
Little by little people are being silenced.
I need your stature.
Expertise.
Cut the crap, Alan It's about boobs and you need a nice pair at the table.
You are absolutely delicious when you cut to the heart of the matter like that.
They are throwing everything at me, Shirley.
I need to throw everything back.
I'll think about it.
Think fast.
If I agree to help you, one condition.
I assume during the course of this case breasts will be referred to in many colorful ways.
One would hope.
Personally however I don't ever want to hear them referred to as ' hooters'.
I hate that word.
Oh, and this is a little off topic, but I hate the word underpants too.
If I can have your breasts I promise not to say, 'hooters'.
Thank you, Alan.
Now, for underpants, if you promise not to wear any Goodbye, Alan.
We advised her to put her clothes back on, but she and her cohorts insisted on marching around topless.
And Officer Minden, The District Attorney's here.
Scott Bodnar.
Politicians are drawn to cameras like flies are drawn to Politicians.
And what was your reaction to the defendant's toplessness? I was shocked.
Offended.
Were you the only one offended? No, ma'am.
We've received numerous complaints from the community about the defendant's behavior.
Thank you.
Ms.
Levine and her cohorts, as you so colorfully referred to them, were there as part of a political protest, correct? So she says.
So she says She was holding this sign.
Yes.
Not exactly the stuff erections are made of.
Objection.
Sustained.
Isn't it true that more people paid attention once the protesters took off their tops? They drew a bigger crowd, that's for sure.
Thank you.
Then Uh, one last thing.
As a beat cop, who regularly pursues rapists, murderers and other violent criminals, and also as who protects the rights of the KKK and other provocative groups who are legally permitted to protest, can you sit up there and honestly tell us you were offended by a group of bare breasted protestors? They broke the law, Mr.
Shore.
I find that offensive.
Shocked.
Shocked and appalled that people would so blatantly flaunt our obscenity laws.
Whore.
Any place there's a camera there's Bodnar having sex with it.
Where have you been keeping your head? Around.
I didn't see you on the balcony the other night.
Bev and I had something to do.
Then we did it again.
Alan? I heard that you asked Shirley to be part of your dream team.
Why her and not me? Shirley has breasts.
Ours are just beginning to develop.
You're starting this case off on the wrong foot.
How so? It's got everything.
Sex, politics, everything but one key ingredient, Denny Crane.
I'm in.
Denny, you don't even know what this case is about.
It doesn't matter.
I don't have to know what it's about in order to try it.
I want you out of my office.
I'm an attorney, I graduated top of my class at Suffolk University Law School, I passed the bar exam the very first try and I was recruited by the best firms.
I killed a man.
Never seen those on TV.
There's that whore! Watch out everybody the real whore's here.
Denny! I don't have a tranquilizer gun so I'm going to have to reason with you.
We agreed you could be on this case only if you don't speak.
Speak in the courtroom.
Besides it's opportunities like this that make Crane, Poole and Schmidt Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
Denny Crane.
Ten cents a dance.
Hey, Scott! Denny.
I'd just like to say that most of us begin life suckling on a breast.
If we're lucky we end life suckling on a breast.
Anybody who's against breasts is against life itself.
Denny Crane.
Mr.
Crane! Mr.
Crane! Excuse me! Sir? Any comments? Ms.
Levine? Can you tell me what this is? It's a map of the Boston area congressional district.
This is district four.
How would you describe its shape? It's shaped like a large intestine.
Now, why would we, as a people, choose to shape a congressional district like a large intestine? We don't.
Our elected officials do.
Say you voted for the incumbent congressman last election, and I live on the opposite side of the street and I voted against him? His party can draw the line down the middle of the street to include you and exclude me.
Can they really do that? With computer modeling they can be very exact.
This isn't about boobs at all.
It's foreplay.
Wait your turn.
Why did you start this group? To protest the war.
We had our shirts on then! There were nearly one hundred thousand of us in the streets.
A sea of people.
But the local news reported that only a few thousand showed up.
As if our protest didn't even happen.
So what did you do next? We continued to protest with little effect and we eventually learned that in order to get your message heard you had to shock people.
You had fantasies about this college girl? She nothing but a talker.
A moment please, Your Honor.
Denny, we're trying to work here.
Give him your keys to play with.
And finally, Ms.
Levine.
What do you do for a living? I run a women's shelter.
And if you are convicted and placed on the State's Sexual Offender's registry, what happens to you? I would lose everything.
My job, my home, my standing in the community.
So.
If one wanted to intimidate people from exercising their first amendment rights this would be a good way to do it? Objection! Nothing further.
Ms.
Levine.
Your laudable work for battered women not withstanding, isn't it correct that you were arrested only when you illegally bared your breasts? Yes.
You could have continued to make that same statement while keeping your clothes on? But the message wouldn't have gotten the same coverage.
So it's your contention that it's alright to break laws so long as you're trying to get a message across? I think that's a gross exaggeration.
Our community has set standards and laws for what it deems to be indecent behavior.
What our elected officials are doing is indecent.
My breasts are not.
You intentionally broke that law.
Didn't you? I took my top off.
In many cultures a woman's bared breasts are not considered indecent! But we're in America.
In America we're allowed to set our own laws.
Are we not? Yes.
Nothing further.
Your funeral's in a bar? Funeral homes close too early.
And they don't have beer.
Nice outfit, but I do believe I said hockey casuals.
I'm feeling a little like Alice down the rabbit hole right now, So I'm just gonna go with it.
That's an excellent attitude.
My family's gonna love you! Your family? It's my funeral.
Come on, come on.
Come on! Go! Go! Go spinny man! Go spinny man! Wow, you've really picked up the lingo.
Yes! Ha! Ha! I had to let her win.
It's his funeral.
Aww, you got beat by a girl and a dead guy.
Deal with it.
If I could have your attention We have gathered here tonight to pay our final respects to that guy who's eating the Buffalo wing.
I know we look at Daniel and everyone here is thinking the same thing.
"How much is he leaving me in the will?" Seriously, after our folks passed, Daniel was the one there for us.
He always has been.
And he always will be.
To you.
Bro.
I love you.
Now let's have some zamboni cake! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! You know, you're wrecking my funeral? I know.
We're here, and it's you, and your friends and your family.
And it's like a beginning only you're It sucks.
That's it.
It just sucks.
This is good for you.
And everyone in there is unbelievable.
And I have been trying.
I really have.
But But you're dying and it's eating me up inside.
Go back to your party.
It's time for court, Denny.
I'm not going.
You took me to the circus and you didn't show me any elephants.
I'm sorry.
But I am going to call the D.
A.
to the stand.
Well, that'll be fun.
But it's not enough.
Be careful of Bodnar.
I'm not sure you want that whore as an enemy.
By definition he's my enemy.
He can't call the District Attorney.
I just did.
He was never included in our witness list.
The Commonwealth hasn't had ample time to prepare.
Your Honor, his testimony is relevant.
This case is all about the railroading of my client's first amendment rights.
And Mr.
Bodnar seems to be conductor on the said railroad.
It's a cheap stunt.
Enough.
I'm certain District Attorney Bodnar can take care of himself.
I'll allow his testimony.
District Attorney Bodnar! Alan Shore.
Before we start, I just wanna say I love those mailers you send out come election time.
We're all inspired by the story of your roots, your father the Czechoslovakian cobbler, your mother the Czechoslovakian cobbler's wife.
I also wanna thank you for taking the time to be here.
You're a busy man keeping criminals off the street, fighting for truth, justice and the American way, and yet you make time to be here.
Every day.
This case must be very important to you.
It is.
I guess the question on all of our minds is, why? Well, Mr.
Shore, as you know this was defiance of the law.
On a sizeable scale.
It was extremely offensive to a large number of people.
And there were a lot of TV cameras out there.
And in here.
The point is, Ms.
Levine's message was getting across! Wasn't it? That's why this case is so important.
That's what's so frightening to you.
The truth was getting out.
The truth about the stranglehold you and other politicians have on our political system.
Correct? Mr.
Shore.
I was elected to represent the community and to act in their best interest.
People have right to political speech.
No matter how extreme.
They do not have the right to break the law with lewd and lascivious behavior on the streets of Boston Yes Mr.
Shore you asked me a question.
Please allow me to finish.
I don't know what society you live in but our society has made it clear where it stands on indecency.
If you're looking for a litmus test? Just ask Janet Jackson.
Well, congratulations, Alan.
Your drilling of the D.
A.
on the stand has really paid off.
The plea bargain he had set on the Parson's case suddenly got rejected.
Gee, I wonder why? Mr.
Parson did kill his wife.
I mean, he should go to jail.
We are now known in the D.
A.
's office as those SOB's from Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
And for what? You are still losing this case.
Paul, if that's all they're calling us? Clearly I've not done my job.
I'm here! What do you want? Brad, would you agree that you owe me one for the egregious way you handled the Holly Raines interview? Alan, her attitude was The important thing is, I agree that you owe me one.
Just follow my lead.
Mr.
Bodnar, we're gonna lose this case.
Yes, you are.
And I don't know what to do about it.
We could get to the appeals process, but so many of our fine judges are not into the first amendment these days.
And if by some miracle we make it into the Supreme Court.
Well they're not that tickled with the first amendment either! So.
As you can see.
I am in a pickle.
You didn't need to come down here to explain that to me.
No.
I know.
But I did need to explain this.
It's Brad here.
What about Brad here? He's decided he's going to run against you for District Attorney.
Really? Yes.
I mean, I think he's a natural for politics.
Don't you? Look at him.
Gorgeous.
And tough on crime.
The man single-handedly rescued a kidnapped child.
The Republican Party is bound to love him because he's so demonstratively pro-torture.
A man who's not afraid to get his hands dirty while he cuts off the fingers of others.
Oh! You're a Republican! Aren't you, Scott? Mr.
Shore.
I wonder who your party'd rather have carrying its standard? You? Or Captain Handsome? Brad, stand up and take your jacket off.
Yes.
Ooh.
Good.
Put it over the shoulder.
Wow! I think this job is about more than looks.
Well.
You'd have to think that, wouldn't you? I notice the polls don't have you doing too well with women voters.
You are aware my client runs a shelter for battered women? Do you think persecuting her will play well with the distaff side? Are you trying to threaten me? Not me.
It's my friend here.
This case has him so incensed! Doesn't it, Brad? Yes.
It's inspired him to pluck his hat from those beautiful blond locks and toss it into the ring.
I can just see the two of you in a televised debate.
Not, really.
I can only see him because you seem to fade into the background.
Tell me, Brad, how many of your clients are millionaire's.
All of them.
Rich coffers to draw from.
It would be much nicer, wouldn't it Mr.
Bodnar, to run unopposed? Well.
You've both made some extremely valid points and I think Goldilocks here would be a formidable opponent.
I look forward to the campaign.
And Mr.
Shore, I look forward to seeing you in court.
Brad, you know, you don't actually have to run.
On the other hand you've made a powerful enemy, and I think you've learned a valuable lesson about following me lead.
Thanks.
Douchbag.
Hey! Hi! So? How was the rest of your funeral? Oh, it was great.
It totally bombed.
So? Are we okay? Daniel.
I am the worst coward there is.
Yeah.
Well.
We all avoided you then, when we were playing quarters.
No.
I can't keep going.
Okay, time out.
Don't decide anything just yet.
Okay? Because I got something.
Look, I'm going to Switzerland.
They got this experimental treatment in St.
Moritz that I scammed my way into.
And I don't know if it's gonna work.
But I figure it's worth a shot.
And if it does, I'll be back.
And then decide.
Okay? Okay.
You're going off like a dog aren't you? What do you mean? When a dog knows it's gonna die he goes off into the woods by itself and uh, rich guys go to St.
Moritz.
They have beautiful woods there.
Yes, they do.
I'll see you Guido.
See ya.
Ms.
Levine took her shirt off.
That is not in dispute.
And she did it to make political point.
Now people make political points every day.
The TV, the press, on the internet, expressing opinions of all kinds without breaking the law.
For Ms.
Levine, our country's guarantee of free speech wasn't enough.
Our guarantee of freedom of assembly? Wasn't enough.
And apparently our guarantee of freedom of the press wasn't enough.
None of these freedoms were enough for Ms.
Levine and the point she had to make.
No.
She had to break the law by violating our community standards of decency.
No one violated Ms.
Levine's freedom of speech! Ms.
Levine violated our community laws.
Don't let her get away with it.
Jake Watson convicted of molesting an eight-year-old girl.
Served two years, then convicted of molesting an eleven-year-old girl.
John Bauers, convicted of multiple counts of rape.
Calvin Stevens, convicted of sodomizing and molesting over a dozen boys ages six to ten.
This is a list of registered sex-offenders.
This is the list the prosecutor thinks Ms.
Levine should be put on.
This is the company they think she belongs in.
Do you? Do any of you think that a woman who bared her breasts at a political rally poses the same risk to the community as rapists and child molesters? Of course you don't.
And I'll let you in on a little secret.
Neither do they.
You see they arrested Ms.
Levine and the other women before and charged them with 'disturbing the peace'.
When a woman is arrested for sunbathing topless in a public park, she's either charged with disturbing the peace or more likely the cop says, "Hey, lady put your shirt back on".
And then he goes off to deal with real crime.
So why is Ms.
Levine different? Because she was protesting redistricting.
Now, I know that may sound archain and theoretical to you.
But I assure you that to the politicians in power, there is nothing more dear to their hearts.
If Ms.
Levine had written a scholarly article for redistricting for an obscure journal that nobody would ever have read, the District Attorney wouldn't have cared at all.
But she and the other women made their argument topless.
People paid attention because let's face it when two hundred women take their tops off people are going to look.
But after they've gawked for a minute they might ask, "Why have they taken thei top off"? And then they might find out it's because of redistricting.
And then they might say, "Well, what is that?" And then when they find out they might say, "Oh my God! Our politicians have highjacked our Democracy".
The prosecutor charged Ms.
Levine for violating our community standards.
This is Boston.
Home of the Tea Party.
Home of the people and the spirit of freedom that literally created this country.
Our community standard is that we won't be silenced by the King of England, much less the District Attorney! Our community standard is that we speak the truth to power.
And if those in power don't like it.
Too bad.
Oh, look at you.
This is terrible.
I'll tell you what I'll do, Garry.
Garrett.
I'm not in the office all the time.
I mean I'm very busy over lunch and morning break and afternoon coffee.
That would leave three or four hours when I won't need the office at all.
Make yourself at home.
Thanks.
So you can be in there all during lunch when you eat your two sandwiches.
Two sandwiches? Oh.
Yes.
You'll be buying two sandwiches off the cart.
The ones that aren't moving.
Usually it's liverwurst and tongue.
Bye.
Jokes on you! I like tongue! Will the defendant please rise? Has the jury reached unanimous verdict? We have, Your Honor.
What say you? In the matter of the Commonwealth versus Irma Levine, on the count of open and gross lewdness and lascivious behavior, we find the defendant, not guilty.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury we thank you for your services.
Courts adjourned.
Congratulations.
I think you're closing made all the difference.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome.
And about your protest.
Next time try pasties.
Well? Alan? Thank you.
You're not actually going to say goodbye to me in public courtroom? Walk me out? Excuse me? This elevator's taken.
Oh my.
Suddenly I'm feeling all the hope and the anticipation and the ever so slight trepidation of election day.
Ugh! What is this? Diet Scotch.
It's Bev's idea.
She wants me to slim down for the wedding.
I've been wondering, Denny.
Are we drifting? Drifting? Apart.
Apart? Yes.
No! Good.
I'm gonna miss you, Denny once you're married.
I'm not going anywhere.
I've been married.
Of course you are.