Boston Legal s04e10 Episode Script
Green Christmas
Previously on 'Boston Legal' Melvin Palmer, how are you? I'm grand, actually but I go by Alan Shore.
You're a hoot, that's what.
We have an expression in Texas.
You're all hat, and no cattle.
I know I've seen your face.
I don't know your real identity, but I know you've only been Lorraine Weller since 1997.
I owned and operated a brothel.
After being arrested, I reached a deal with the authorities whereby I would not be prosecuted if I agreed to disappear.
Jerry, would you like to get a drink with me? And we all know what's supposed to happen on the third date after two wonderful dates? - You've really never kissed a woman? - Not a real one.
Oh, thank you, god.
I don't want to be let out.
Just let her in.
Would you be riding on the elevator with us? Think you can handle it, Denny? Scotch and eggnog? No thank you.
What's with all the guns here Denny, if you don't mind my asking? Coast Guard Auxiliary.
I'm serving my country.
It's fantastic.
Getting reacquainted with weaponry Wanna join? Actually Denny, I do serve my country.
Which is one of the reasons I'm here.
In fact I joined the board of Green People to save this country as well as the planet.
Denny, this is a little awkward.
Green People hired Crane, Poole and Schmidt on my recommendation, and the only reason I made that recommendation was because you told me your firm was extremely green.
Yeah.
So? Well, it's not.
Not really.
What are you talking about? We have all this, uh, curly-cue light bulbs.
Yeah.
Well, there are major areas where this firm is not green.
You have no solar panels, no carpool policies.
I discovered you recently threw away your old computers - which contain hazardous waste.
- Oh, Walt.
And which will probably wind up in a landfill.
Meanwhile Green People is paying your firm legal fees in the six figures every year.
Bottom line, Denny.
Get green or I'll recommend we hire another law firm.
Walt.
May I say something? Okay.
I love the environment.
I really do.
And every day I kiss the ground I walk on.
As do many others because I am after all Denny Crane.
- Oh, God.
- What's this? You got a tick? Denny.
I take this cause seriously.
I'm committing the rest of my life to it.
I told you it was important for our law firm to be environmentally conscience.
You're wearing blinking antlers for God's sakes! Walt, it's Christmas! It's the time of year to embrace giving and getting and waste and gluttony and all the things that make God and this country great! - Don't be such a girl.
- Now I'm getting angry.
So am I! Frankly, I hope this planet survives.
I really do.
But I am getting sick of you smug, hybrid driving socialists telling the rest of us how to live our lives! I'm rich, okay? Like to guzzle a little gas now and then.
I keep my thermostat at 72 during the winter.
I prefer night games in football.
And I am fed up with you globalwarming wusses raining on my electric parade! You can be such an arrogant, ignorant, ass! So can you! Good news! It's paint.
Bad news.
It's not biodegradable.
Nobody comes into my office and ruins my Christmas with a load of 'Save the Planet' atheist, communist crap! Off you go now.
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Çî½¼ (ÈÖÆ®´Ï ·Ò æµ) ĵµð½º ¹ö°Õ (¼È¸® ½´¹ÌÆ® æµ) Àª¸®¾ö »þÆ®³Ê (µ¥´Ï Å©·¹ÀÎ æµ) ½ÌÅ©ÆíÁý Çѱ۹ø¿ª ORIGINAL AIR DATE ON ABC: 2007/12/18 Aah! These things happen.
An argument between two old friends.
You'd understand if you had any.
These things happen? You often fire on him with a paintball gun? Am I the only one who's getting a little sick of these greenies? If they had their way we'd be living in caves like terrorists.
Where's Shirley, by the way? - I prefer her reprimanding me.
- Shirley's in Atlanta at a conference, ironically, on environmental law.
Denny, this greenie is suing us for fraud.
He claims you misrepresented us as being an environmentally conscience firm.
Oh, send them some Joan Baez tapes tied together with hemp rope.
(»çȸ ¹®Á¦¸¦ ³ë·¡ÇÏ´Â 60´ë ¿©°¡¼ö) No, they're asking for all the money they've ever paid us in legal fees.
That's in the millions.
Plus three times that in punitive damages.
Denny! Denny, the bigger problem is now that all corporations are going green.
We could be shunned if we're perceived as not to be.
That means no more business from anybody.
Whatever.
Clarence.
You've been staring at my pencil cup for about thirty seconds.
Is there something wrong? I'm too embarrassed to even say.
Just tell me.
I lost my house.
- What? - The bank foreclosed.
- Were you not making payments? - I was.
But But what? What happened? The interest rates just kept exploding.
I bought about three years ago.
I didn't have to put anything down.
- You got an adjustable rate.
- Yes.
And at first I could make the increases.
And then they went up thirty percent.
And then they went up again.
I'm still paying off student loans from law school.
These increases have wiped out my savings and I missed the last two months.
- I feel like such an idiot.
- And they're foreclosing? I can't get the bank to even talk to me.
- They're not taking your house.
- They're within their rights.
I don't care.
They're not taking your house.
It's Christmas.
I can't, Denny.
I have a meeting with Clarence.
I don't want Sack defending me.
He won the last time.
Exactly.
He'll expect me to be grateful.
The bank is trying to take Clarence's house away.
I told him I'd help.
And as for you, I thought you'd agreed to stop shooting people.
- He's an environmentalist.
- Even so.
You were hoping to get called on Shirley's carpet again, weren't you? - That's what this was about.
- No, no.
I really wanted to shoot him.
Alan? Your best defense here, Denny, is remorse.
Contrition.
You need to look past the fact that he's an environmentalist and see him as the terrible golfer you've always loved to beat and apologize.
Come on, Clarence.
He shot him with a gun? Paintball.
He does that.
And now he's being sued? You know I've learned, when looking for you, it's best not to check your office or your desk where you might actually be doing some work.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you need? Clients.
They seem like nice clients, need you.
They're in the reception waiting.
Can't you get somebody else? Fine.
Nice suit.
Katie.
You'll be joining me in defense of the firm and Denny Crane whose legacy continues to grow yet more colorful.
My office please.
Well, it seems the paintball assassin is now Jerry what's wrong? - I got dumped.
- I'm sorry? It's a 'Dear John' letter from Leigh.
She's leaving me for an iPhone.
Well, first of all, and it goes without saying, Denny is very sorry for shooting the paintball gun.
Well, that's interesting, because until now it has gone without saying.
Girl.
Denny.
What do you have to say? I'm sorry.
No, you're not, Denny.
And the truth is I don't really care.
Not about the paintball.
But I do care about the environment.
And it's embarrassing to me as a board member of Green People to look around this office and see it lit up like a nuclear power plant.
Wasteful Christmas decorations.
You make no effort whatsoever to conserve energy.
And this at a time when carbon dioxide is poisoning the planet.
Glaciers are melting.
Is it overzealous on my part? Maybe.
It's all the take Dammit! Something keeps hitting me in the face and it hurts.
Why don't we take a break and let cooler heads prevail? Denny! You're shooting me! Ah, it's an air gun.
Don't be such a girl.
Obnoxious - Okay! - Sick! Second amendment.
He was attacking me.
I have a right to defend myself.
Don't I? Nobody is more devastated about this than I am.
Yes.
/ I personally executed Mr.
Bell's mortgage agreement.
I take enormous pride in being able to help people buy homes.
I was extremely gratified to be able to help Mr.
Bell buy his.
And I am deeply saddened for him to be losing it.
Yes.
Is it any consolation that you're the one taking it? I wanted this to work.
We gave Mr.
Bell a no-money-down interest-only-two-year-arm at two percent! It was a fantastic opportunity.
Mr.
Chernack, I'm in a bit of a rush so if you don't mind I'd like to cut the crap.
As much as you desperately want the best for Clarence it seems you've done him the very worst.
You facilitated his buying a house he ultimately couldn't afford.
You then continued to raise his rates.
What was once two percent is now twelve with a balloon payment coming due, and in the end it seems the bank gets all the money and the house.
And instead of the best, Clarence gets nothing.
I take offense to that.
This man wanted the property and I made it happen for him.
Oh, my goodness.
Let's hear it for Mr.
Chernack, this year's MVP in the predator lending department! I'm sorry.
Is there a problem? Oh, no, don't be silly.
Just celebrating Mr.
Chernack's success with this sub-prime mortgage scam you're currently offering.
And, you are? Alan Shore representing a scamee.
May we go to my office? Unless you're serving drinks with your apology and refinancing offer I think we can settle this in court.
Oh, I think before you get there you'll want to do your discovery which attorneys typically do.
And you'll find Mr.
Shore that this sub-prime debacle isn't just victimizing individuals, but lending institutions as well.
In fact, over a hundred and sixty major lenders have been put out of business.
Many others, including us are simply trying to survive.
Our stock prices have gone down 95%.
Twenty percent of the mortgages we hold are past due.
The bulk of the others haven't had their rates reset yet.
And in the next two years, it figures to get worse.
But hey, go ahead and sue us.
That's what we need.
For a lawyer like you to come in and slap us around a little.
Now what? I don't know.
We could sue, but, like he said, they've lost money too.
It's not something they wanted to have happen.
It's always the government.
Come on, Alan.
This is a Liberal's wet dream.
You get to jump up and scream for more regulations.
Yeah.
Well, I've scheduled a settlement conference with the bank's lawyer.
We'll see what happens.
What about your case? What's happening there? Trial.
We'll win.
Deep down people hate the environment.
I'm not sure that's true, Denny.
Actions speak louder than words.
Never mind what we say.
Consider what we do.
It might occasion a discussion of your actions.
Is it time for your annual CAT scan? Very funny.
Seriously, Denny.
Is it time? There are these new PET scans which are more definitive.
I'm gonna make an appointment.
Well, well! Alan Shore! How the heck are you my good buddy? I'm fine.
Thank you.
A bit surprised, perhaps, to discover we're buddies, but other than that Atta boy! You're still a hoot, that's what you are.
Melvin Palmer.
How are you, my friend? Homeless.
Well we're gonna see what we can do about that, that's what we're gonna do.
Do you know what I like? I like to eliminate "adversary" from the adversarial process, that's what I like.
Oh, dear.
/ There is no reason this can't be a win-win.
I mean, we're not the Japanese, now are we? No.
But I can see you're a racist in addition to being my good buddy.
You're a hoot, that's what you are.
Come on, let's all go work this out.
Find a way for my friend Clarence to be home for the holidays.
He gets worse.
Jerry, it's very difficult for me to work at my desk knowing you're curled up under yours.
I'm fine.
Have you seen those iPhones? They're very sexy.
Jerry, get up from under your desk, please.
- I'm fine.
- Jerry, please! Get up! Not to mitigate the tragedy which was once your great love, but Leigh is well, I believe the American term, a total nut job.
I'm quite sympathetic to the condition of objectaphilia, but if your girlfriend cheats on you with a clock radio and runs off with an iPhone she is bonkers and you'd best be done with her.
So stop your whinging and get on with it, would you please? Either that or go outfit yourself with a nappy.
Bloody hell.
Make sure he goes through the weapons detector as you go into the courthouse.
I heard that.
Carl.
I was in your office at six o'clock.
- You were a no show.
- I got a little tied up with Denny.
Would you like that? Let's try eleven o'clock today.
What's happening? I haven't the slightest idea.
It's a summons, but with no indication as to my fate.
I don't like that it's happening without Shirley.
- Jerry.
- Oh, shut up.
- Okay.
- Leigh dumped him.
For the clock radio? iPhone.
They are sexy.
Here's what I'm trying to do, Clarence.
I'm trying to get inside your head.
It's what I like to do.
You see, I find the best way to help people with their problem is to experience where they're coming from.
That suit you okay, my friend? Fine.
Okay, now, when Mr.
Chernack explained this loan He didn't really explain it.
Well, you went to law school.
Are you telling me that you signed a legal document without understanding it? Was it your client's intent to take advantage of him when it turned out he didn't, Mr.
Palmer? I'm sorry.
Melvin.
I keep forgetting we're buddies.
- You know what you are? - A hoot.
With a capital H, that's what you are.
Now Clarence, you did understand terms like 'float', and 'balloon', and 'piggyback', and Hell, sounds like a birthday party.
That's what that does.
But you did understand that your adjustable rate floated with the prime, didn't you? I certainly had no idea the prime would go through the roof.
Well, nor did the bank.
And nobody expected the housing market to take a dive.
I mean we all got caught with our pants down on that one, didn't we, Al? I do my best work with my pants down.
But then again, I'm the hoot.
With a capital H, that's what you are.
Yeah.
Please sit.
Well Lorraine.
I did a little survey with the firm.
Between the hundred and seventy-two attorneys currently practicing law at Crane, Poole and Schmidt, we've managed to rack up convictions in domestic violence, possession of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, malicious destruction of property, DUI's, reckless driving and failure to file income tax returns.
That doesn't even include Denny.
You, on the other hand, haven't been convicted of anything.
You also seem to have led a rather model life over the past eight years setting aside your extra curricular activities in elevators.
Bottom line, you survive for now.
Mainly because Shirley likes you.
And Denny has a particular fondness in his heart.
If this prior career should take on a public relations life, we may have to revisit the situation.
But for now Thank you.
That's all.
Okay Jerry.
Why are you under my desk? I just came in to be alone.
Would you like me to leave? He flies around in a private jet.
He drives a tank.
This is Crane of Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
The firm does very little to be truly green.
And he told me they did a lot.
Well, this is fraud.
So you've known Denny Crane a long time.
You knew he flew in private jets and so forth.
True.
But he told me that he was starting to make sacrifices.
More importantly he told me the firm was green.
It's not.
Fraud.
First of all, I'm an enormous admirer of your organization, Green People.
- I think you're all to be congratulated.
- Well, thank you.
I do notice, however, the beverage your counsel's drinking.
Do you know sir, that the bottled water industry uses more than one point five million barrels of crude oil to manufacture their plastic? I know that we use oil to make products.
I do live in this century.
They happen to use a lot of oil.
Enough to fuel a hundred thousand cars for a year.
They also use vast amounts of fossil fuels to distribute their product.
What's worst is less than twenty-five percent of these bottles are actually recycled.
The rest end up in land fills or the ocean.
It's not really green at all to be drinking bottled water.
I'm not about to ask people to go green at the expense of their own health.
Oh, actually, it doesn't serve their health.
Scientists say that bottled water is no better for you than tap.
In fact it could be worse.
The EPA standards are looser, and in some cases the bacterial count is almost double.
This is not a referendum on water.
I beg your pardon.
Do you eat meat? I only ask because studies show eating meat contributes more to greenhouse gases than driving a car.
Denny says you two often have rib-eyes together.
Is that true? First, I don't believe that eating meat is worse for the environment than driving a car.
It is.
Contaminated runoff from slaughter houses is a major source of water pollution.
Livestock itself contributes eighteen percent of greenhouse gases just from, pardon me, farting.
That's more than all the trains, planes and automobiles put together.
Do you eat meat, sir? I'm not sitting here saying people need to go vegan.
But Denny Crane's firm is assaulting the environment.
I mean the man drives ah, an outrageous gas guzzling mon - What do you drive, may I ask? - I drive a hybrid.
Oh, dear.
/ Oh, what.
You're telling me that's bad too? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but hybrid batteries contain nickel that is mined and smelted in a plant in Sudbury, Ontario.
A plant that has caused so much environmental damage and acid rain that NASA uses the so-called dead-zone around the plant to test its moon rovers.
I think a board member of Green People might know that.
That nickel then has to be shipped off via massive containers to a refinery in Europe, then off to China to be made into nickel foam then to Japan to be manufactured, then finally all the way back to America! All that, just to put a single hybrid battery into a car.
When you combine all the energy it takes to build and drive a hybrid it adds up to almost fifty percent more than it does to build and drive a Hummer.
They also save on fuel.
In terms of money perhaps, but because they do, studies show people are driving more.
Hybrids might result in more fuel consumption than gas cars.
I imagine you do know that? - No? - I love it.
Sorry.
My point is you can blame us all you want, my friend.
But nobody saw this coming.
Even Alan Greenspan was saying there were no bubbles in the housing market.
Is Alan Greenspan your good buddy too? I hear he can be quite the hoot.
Al, I really don't need you to make fun of me.
No! You don't.
The simple fact is this was a negotiable contract.
He's a lawyer.
Those are two facts actually.
What happened to the sub-prime was unforeseeable.
What happened to the housing market was unforeseeable.
When do we get to the win-win part of this meeting? This man was never lied to.
He made a deal.
Now he doesn't like it because it turned out to be a bad deal.
So what? He just stops making his payments? It seems to me he deserves to lose the house.
You think you can sue and win, Al, even though he flat out breached a contract? I'm asking myself, "What kind of a lawyer would think that?" That's what I ask.
But then I remember, you're not so much a lawyer as you are a gigantic hoot.
Am I right? I may not be much of a lawyer Mr.
Palmer but I can see the obvious.
Foreclose on Mr.
Bell's house and your client will be left holding an asset he can't sell and a loan that will never be paid off.
Over the next eighteen months two million of these teaser mortgages are going to expire.
And a trillion dollars' worth of loans are going to be called in as interest rates keep taking up and property values keep slipping down.
That trillion dollars' worth of debt is going to be secured by houses worth a fraction of that.
Keep throwing people out on the street, taking their homes instead of their money and you'll be left with a stock price of zero and a public that's out for blood.
Not mine, or his but yours and yours.
You can smell it in the air.
Anger and chaos.
If Shakespeare were alive today he might say, "First thing.
Let's kill all the bankers.
" Tell me, Melvin, what exactly do you plan to trade on in that courtroom? Your witless grin and home-style cookin'? Or perhaps the bank industry's stellar reputation.
The FBI has already claimed mortgage fraud as the fastest growing white-collar crime in America.
In some cites even drug dealers have turned to mortgage lending.
Profits are high.
Death rate is low.
Until, of course, people start shooting the suits.
I may not know much about law but even a gigantic hoot like me knows cases always come down to emotion.
Who do you think the jury's heart will go out to on this one? I've got a man who's lost his home and his entire life's savings.
You've got a bank.
These images here are basically microscopic plaques of debris, tangles of nerve endings containing a protein called tau.
Up to now, we've only be able to view these kind of tissue tangles in autopsies.
So, what are you saying? I'm dead? No.
I'm just saying with the latest PET scan developments we are now seeing things we never thought possible.
It's beyond innovation.
This is really the cutting edge.
Look.
Just tell me what all this crap means.
Well, you have MCI.
But that doesn't mean I've got AT&T.
I know my phone service.
I'm not that far gone.
No.
MCI stands for Mild Cognitive Impairment.
And this debris here represents signs of MCI.
Did I not just tell him I have AT&T? So, is this Alzheimers? Could be the early stages.
Nothing definitive.
Sometimes MCI is a transition stage between normal aging and Alzheimer's.
Other times it's just normal aging.
We see this in about twenty-nine percent of people under eight-five.
Of those people roughly twelve percent progress to Alzheimer's each year.
Do I look like Rainman? Just crunch the numbers for me! Well In about six years eighty percent have Alzheimer's.
So, let me understand what we have here.
I have an eighty percent chance of getting Alzheimer's in six years? Yes.
If it's any consolation at all, you're seventy-five.
You drink.
You smoke.
You probably won't live that long.
Denny Crane wasn't honest.
He told Walter Bonner that Crane, Poole and Schmidt was a green firm.
It wasn't.
I don't know about you, but I'm a little sick of the wide-spread practice of the tell-the-customer-what-he-wants-to hear, whatever-it-takes-to-get-the-account mentality.
It's fraud! They're not green.
It's bait and switch.
It's wrong.
These people need to be held accountable for their lies and deception.
You have to help hold them accountable.
Even if my client eats meat and I drink bottled water.
It's hard to know what the hell is good for the environment these days.
One minute we're being told, "Eat farmed salmon to spare the wild stocks.
" While another study says, "That may be the worst thing we can do for the wild salmon.
" There's a new study out that says people contribute more to greenhouse gas emissions by walking than by driving.
Because the increased energy it takes to walk makes people eat more which causes the proliferation of slaughter houses.
Ridiculous? It could be.
Everyone talks about ethanol.
Well, it turns out, to fill one SUV with pure ethanol would require four hundred and fifty pounds of corn.
Or roughly the amount of calories to feed a person for a year.
That's just one tank full.
We've heard how hybrid cars may not be all they're cracked up to be.
I mean, the information can sometimes become so contradictory it's confusing.
And as a consequence, easy to feel overwhelmed and an utter sense of futility.
Especially when people are running around screaming, "The end is near!" One thing that really would be helpful is if all the Chicken Little's would just stop yelling, "Doom!" and calm down.
And instead promote a little common sense.
We're not gonna stop driving cars.
People are not going to give up meat.
Or Christmas.
Now we can stop eating farmed salmon.
We can recycle.
We can drive less.
We can use florescent light bulbs.
Little things.
Maybe if we get the message out that the little things really make a difference, we'll all start doing them.
But suing people for not doing enough.
This is silly, isn't it? I wasn't listening.
Any good? Hello, Jerry.
Busy.
Jerry? What? Improper to make fun of the disabled? You're not disabled, Jerry.
You're a very abled man who happens to have Asperser's and a few eccentric ticks, but you're intelligent.
And you're mainstream.
And when it comes to finding a romantic partner? It's simply wrong for you to reduce your playing field to people who suffer mental disorders which Leigh Swift very much does.
With all due respect to objectaphilia, she needs medical attention.
For God's sake, you cannot be expected to compete with a gadget.
You need to start setting your sights a little higher.
That would make a lovely Valentine's movie.
But in the real world Real world? Women fall in love with men who beat them.
Men fall in love with their mothers.
Love is the most inexplicable, unscientific, irrational of all phenomena.
The only thing we know for sure is it can happen to anyone.
It usually does.
For you to be moping around with the idea it never will for you is simply unacceptable.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Fine.
Actually I'm writing a letter to Leigh now.
To get closure.
Excellent.
I thought it best to keep it short.
But I'm wondering if it's a little too short.
May I read it to you? Of course.
"Dear Leigh, Go to Hell.
Sincerely, Jerry.
" It is a bit short.
This offer in no way represents any admission of liability on our part.
But rather the charity that runs through my client's heart.
- To the Christmas season itself.
- Oh, Santa.
If your client brings his payments schedule current we will hold off on foreclosure.
- Rejected.
- What? This, this is a gift! Because you're my buddy, yes.
And since no gift should go unpunished, these are the terms.
He gets sixty days to bring his scheduled payments current and from there on he gets a fixed rate at eight.
Eight! Why on earth would we? Because you gave him two with the implied promise that it would fluctuate, - but certainly not detonate.
- I'm sorry but Not nearly as sorry as you'll be if you take your chances with me in court.
- My friend - I am not your friend.
I find the possibility of such a friendship vile.
Your best hope, Mr.
Milk, is that the first sub-prime lawsuit is brought against you by a buffoon like Mr.
Palmer.
You do not want the precedent set by me because I will get you.
Search my eyes, Mr.
Milk.
This is what the truth looks like.
Nine percent.
Let's split the difference.
Call it eight.
- Make the deal.
- Ah, Noris! I assure you Make the deal! You have some dog doo on your shoe.
¢Ü Out of all the reindeers you know you're the mastermind ¢Ü ¢Ü Said run, run Rudolph, Randolph isn't far behind ¢Ü Merry Christmas.
Hey, hey, hey! - You remember Doris? - Yes, of course.
How are you? - Fine.
- Doris is gonna sing a song later.
Fantastic! Doris, this is Denny.
Stop it.
Alan.
I don't know how to thank you.
Then why don't' we skip it? ¢Ü Said Santa to a girl child "What would please you most to get?" ¢Ü ¢Ü "A little baby doll that can cry, sleep drink and wet" ¢Ü - Hello, Jerry.
- Lorraine! Hello! Well! Hello! I heard you'll be staying.
I'm very pleased.
That's very nice of you to say.
Thank you, Jerry.
Is that a mercy kiss? A mercy kiss? Don't be ridiculous.
That was mistletoe.
- Merry Christmas, Jerry.
- You too! Happy holidays.
Where the hell were you? I lost interest.
Did we win? We did, actually, the jury found for us.
See? I told you.
Deep down people hate the environment.
That wasn't it, Denny.
But you're welcome.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Denny.
¢Ü Maybe it's much too early in the game ¢Ü ¢Ü Ooh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same ¢Ü Hello! Happy Holidays! Hello.
Hello, Jerry.
I was wondering if you'd like to dance? I'd love to.
What am I? Chopped liver? Maybe Whitney could have the next dance? / Of course! Hello.
Welcome.
I'll be waiting right here for you Jerryboy.
Would you like to dance, Whitney? Okay, Clarence.
Don't you try anything.
¢Ü New Year's Eve? ¢Ü ¢Ü Maybe I'm crazy to suppose ¢Ü ¢Ü I'd ever be the one you chose ¢Ü ¢Ü Out of the thousand invitations ¢Ü ¢Ü You received ¢Ü Can you imagine the nerve of that doctor telling me I wouldn't live long enough to get Alzheimer's? I'll make it.
You watch.
What are the odds of somebody getting Mad Cow and Alzheimer's? Right.
See? I feel good.
I think it's good to live life as though it were a finite thing.
Cause, it is.
I appreciate today.
And tomorrow I'll wake up, and there'll be another day to savor.
And after it I'll go to bed and I'll wake and there'll be another.
And another.
And another.
And a Besides, I can reverse this MCI thing.
Any time I want.
You can? I've ready a study.
Blood goes to your brain.
Blood goes to your penis.
But not at the same time.
So I wanna hone my mental skills? I just cut down on the sex.
Question is, "Is it really worth it?" I think Plato once asked that.
Don't you love Christmas? Anything goes wrong with the world, Christmas makes it go away.
Decorations.
Carols.
The tree.
I don't tell this to too many people, but I once had sex with a Christmas tree.
Not a real tree.
When I was in college my parents had one of those Christmas masquerade party things.
And ah, Diana Corlock, I think I mentioned her to you, she brought her slutty cousin along and she was dressed so beautifully in a she had the popcorn strings around her, and icicles, and candy cane from both She was magic.
So! Up to the room.
And my mother walked in and caught me humping a tree.
That was trouble.
And she was already mad at me for suckin' face with the Virgin Mary under a mistletoe.
That was a tough party.
Have you bought my present yet? Well, it's still a little early.
I know what I want.
Tell me.
Well, I saw you dancing close with Lorraine.
A lot closer than I'll ever get, but I've resigned myself to that.
And her perfume rubbed off on you.
I can smell it from here.
And? Alan.
Can I smell you? - That's all you want for Christmas? - Please.
- Better not try anything.
- I won't! Just wanna drink you in a little.
And pretend.
Oh, my.
What's this perfume on you? It's from one of the go-go dancers.
It's very good.
Wow.
Alan.
Don't talk.
It makes it harder to pretend you're Lorraine.
Did she say what it was, this go-go girl? Smell all you want, Alan, just don't talk.
May I say just one thing since this is my gift? What? Merry Christmas, Denny.
Merry Christmas, my friend.
You're a hoot, that's what.
We have an expression in Texas.
You're all hat, and no cattle.
I know I've seen your face.
I don't know your real identity, but I know you've only been Lorraine Weller since 1997.
I owned and operated a brothel.
After being arrested, I reached a deal with the authorities whereby I would not be prosecuted if I agreed to disappear.
Jerry, would you like to get a drink with me? And we all know what's supposed to happen on the third date after two wonderful dates? - You've really never kissed a woman? - Not a real one.
Oh, thank you, god.
I don't want to be let out.
Just let her in.
Would you be riding on the elevator with us? Think you can handle it, Denny? Scotch and eggnog? No thank you.
What's with all the guns here Denny, if you don't mind my asking? Coast Guard Auxiliary.
I'm serving my country.
It's fantastic.
Getting reacquainted with weaponry Wanna join? Actually Denny, I do serve my country.
Which is one of the reasons I'm here.
In fact I joined the board of Green People to save this country as well as the planet.
Denny, this is a little awkward.
Green People hired Crane, Poole and Schmidt on my recommendation, and the only reason I made that recommendation was because you told me your firm was extremely green.
Yeah.
So? Well, it's not.
Not really.
What are you talking about? We have all this, uh, curly-cue light bulbs.
Yeah.
Well, there are major areas where this firm is not green.
You have no solar panels, no carpool policies.
I discovered you recently threw away your old computers - which contain hazardous waste.
- Oh, Walt.
And which will probably wind up in a landfill.
Meanwhile Green People is paying your firm legal fees in the six figures every year.
Bottom line, Denny.
Get green or I'll recommend we hire another law firm.
Walt.
May I say something? Okay.
I love the environment.
I really do.
And every day I kiss the ground I walk on.
As do many others because I am after all Denny Crane.
- Oh, God.
- What's this? You got a tick? Denny.
I take this cause seriously.
I'm committing the rest of my life to it.
I told you it was important for our law firm to be environmentally conscience.
You're wearing blinking antlers for God's sakes! Walt, it's Christmas! It's the time of year to embrace giving and getting and waste and gluttony and all the things that make God and this country great! - Don't be such a girl.
- Now I'm getting angry.
So am I! Frankly, I hope this planet survives.
I really do.
But I am getting sick of you smug, hybrid driving socialists telling the rest of us how to live our lives! I'm rich, okay? Like to guzzle a little gas now and then.
I keep my thermostat at 72 during the winter.
I prefer night games in football.
And I am fed up with you globalwarming wusses raining on my electric parade! You can be such an arrogant, ignorant, ass! So can you! Good news! It's paint.
Bad news.
It's not biodegradable.
Nobody comes into my office and ruins my Christmas with a load of 'Save the Planet' atheist, communist crap! Off you go now.
Boston Legal Á¦ÀÓ½º ½ºÆÐÀÌ´õ (¾Ù·± ¼î¾î æµ) Á¸ ó·ÎÄùÆ® (Ä® ½Ù æµ) Å©¸®½ºÂù Ŭ·¹¸à½¼ (Á¦¸® ¿¡½ºÆæ½¼ æµ) °Ô¸® ¾Ø¼Ò´Ï Àª¸®¾ö½º (Ŭ ó·»½º º§ æµ) Ÿ ó ¼¸Ó½º (ÄÉÀÌÆ® ·ÎÀ̵å æµ) ¼¼ÇÁ·Ð ¹ö·Î¿ìÁî (·Î·¹ÀÎ À£·¯ æµ) Ÿ óÁö P.
Çî½¼ (ÈÖÆ®´Ï ·Ò æµ) ĵµð½º ¹ö°Õ (¼È¸® ½´¹ÌÆ® æµ) Àª¸®¾ö »þÆ®³Ê (µ¥´Ï Å©·¹ÀÎ æµ) ½ÌÅ©ÆíÁý Çѱ۹ø¿ª ORIGINAL AIR DATE ON ABC: 2007/12/18 Aah! These things happen.
An argument between two old friends.
You'd understand if you had any.
These things happen? You often fire on him with a paintball gun? Am I the only one who's getting a little sick of these greenies? If they had their way we'd be living in caves like terrorists.
Where's Shirley, by the way? - I prefer her reprimanding me.
- Shirley's in Atlanta at a conference, ironically, on environmental law.
Denny, this greenie is suing us for fraud.
He claims you misrepresented us as being an environmentally conscience firm.
Oh, send them some Joan Baez tapes tied together with hemp rope.
(»çȸ ¹®Á¦¸¦ ³ë·¡ÇÏ´Â 60´ë ¿©°¡¼ö) No, they're asking for all the money they've ever paid us in legal fees.
That's in the millions.
Plus three times that in punitive damages.
Denny! Denny, the bigger problem is now that all corporations are going green.
We could be shunned if we're perceived as not to be.
That means no more business from anybody.
Whatever.
Clarence.
You've been staring at my pencil cup for about thirty seconds.
Is there something wrong? I'm too embarrassed to even say.
Just tell me.
I lost my house.
- What? - The bank foreclosed.
- Were you not making payments? - I was.
But But what? What happened? The interest rates just kept exploding.
I bought about three years ago.
I didn't have to put anything down.
- You got an adjustable rate.
- Yes.
And at first I could make the increases.
And then they went up thirty percent.
And then they went up again.
I'm still paying off student loans from law school.
These increases have wiped out my savings and I missed the last two months.
- I feel like such an idiot.
- And they're foreclosing? I can't get the bank to even talk to me.
- They're not taking your house.
- They're within their rights.
I don't care.
They're not taking your house.
It's Christmas.
I can't, Denny.
I have a meeting with Clarence.
I don't want Sack defending me.
He won the last time.
Exactly.
He'll expect me to be grateful.
The bank is trying to take Clarence's house away.
I told him I'd help.
And as for you, I thought you'd agreed to stop shooting people.
- He's an environmentalist.
- Even so.
You were hoping to get called on Shirley's carpet again, weren't you? - That's what this was about.
- No, no.
I really wanted to shoot him.
Alan? Your best defense here, Denny, is remorse.
Contrition.
You need to look past the fact that he's an environmentalist and see him as the terrible golfer you've always loved to beat and apologize.
Come on, Clarence.
He shot him with a gun? Paintball.
He does that.
And now he's being sued? You know I've learned, when looking for you, it's best not to check your office or your desk where you might actually be doing some work.
Yeah, yeah.
What do you need? Clients.
They seem like nice clients, need you.
They're in the reception waiting.
Can't you get somebody else? Fine.
Nice suit.
Katie.
You'll be joining me in defense of the firm and Denny Crane whose legacy continues to grow yet more colorful.
My office please.
Well, it seems the paintball assassin is now Jerry what's wrong? - I got dumped.
- I'm sorry? It's a 'Dear John' letter from Leigh.
She's leaving me for an iPhone.
Well, first of all, and it goes without saying, Denny is very sorry for shooting the paintball gun.
Well, that's interesting, because until now it has gone without saying.
Girl.
Denny.
What do you have to say? I'm sorry.
No, you're not, Denny.
And the truth is I don't really care.
Not about the paintball.
But I do care about the environment.
And it's embarrassing to me as a board member of Green People to look around this office and see it lit up like a nuclear power plant.
Wasteful Christmas decorations.
You make no effort whatsoever to conserve energy.
And this at a time when carbon dioxide is poisoning the planet.
Glaciers are melting.
Is it overzealous on my part? Maybe.
It's all the take Dammit! Something keeps hitting me in the face and it hurts.
Why don't we take a break and let cooler heads prevail? Denny! You're shooting me! Ah, it's an air gun.
Don't be such a girl.
Obnoxious - Okay! - Sick! Second amendment.
He was attacking me.
I have a right to defend myself.
Don't I? Nobody is more devastated about this than I am.
Yes.
/ I personally executed Mr.
Bell's mortgage agreement.
I take enormous pride in being able to help people buy homes.
I was extremely gratified to be able to help Mr.
Bell buy his.
And I am deeply saddened for him to be losing it.
Yes.
Is it any consolation that you're the one taking it? I wanted this to work.
We gave Mr.
Bell a no-money-down interest-only-two-year-arm at two percent! It was a fantastic opportunity.
Mr.
Chernack, I'm in a bit of a rush so if you don't mind I'd like to cut the crap.
As much as you desperately want the best for Clarence it seems you've done him the very worst.
You facilitated his buying a house he ultimately couldn't afford.
You then continued to raise his rates.
What was once two percent is now twelve with a balloon payment coming due, and in the end it seems the bank gets all the money and the house.
And instead of the best, Clarence gets nothing.
I take offense to that.
This man wanted the property and I made it happen for him.
Oh, my goodness.
Let's hear it for Mr.
Chernack, this year's MVP in the predator lending department! I'm sorry.
Is there a problem? Oh, no, don't be silly.
Just celebrating Mr.
Chernack's success with this sub-prime mortgage scam you're currently offering.
And, you are? Alan Shore representing a scamee.
May we go to my office? Unless you're serving drinks with your apology and refinancing offer I think we can settle this in court.
Oh, I think before you get there you'll want to do your discovery which attorneys typically do.
And you'll find Mr.
Shore that this sub-prime debacle isn't just victimizing individuals, but lending institutions as well.
In fact, over a hundred and sixty major lenders have been put out of business.
Many others, including us are simply trying to survive.
Our stock prices have gone down 95%.
Twenty percent of the mortgages we hold are past due.
The bulk of the others haven't had their rates reset yet.
And in the next two years, it figures to get worse.
But hey, go ahead and sue us.
That's what we need.
For a lawyer like you to come in and slap us around a little.
Now what? I don't know.
We could sue, but, like he said, they've lost money too.
It's not something they wanted to have happen.
It's always the government.
Come on, Alan.
This is a Liberal's wet dream.
You get to jump up and scream for more regulations.
Yeah.
Well, I've scheduled a settlement conference with the bank's lawyer.
We'll see what happens.
What about your case? What's happening there? Trial.
We'll win.
Deep down people hate the environment.
I'm not sure that's true, Denny.
Actions speak louder than words.
Never mind what we say.
Consider what we do.
It might occasion a discussion of your actions.
Is it time for your annual CAT scan? Very funny.
Seriously, Denny.
Is it time? There are these new PET scans which are more definitive.
I'm gonna make an appointment.
Well, well! Alan Shore! How the heck are you my good buddy? I'm fine.
Thank you.
A bit surprised, perhaps, to discover we're buddies, but other than that Atta boy! You're still a hoot, that's what you are.
Melvin Palmer.
How are you, my friend? Homeless.
Well we're gonna see what we can do about that, that's what we're gonna do.
Do you know what I like? I like to eliminate "adversary" from the adversarial process, that's what I like.
Oh, dear.
/ There is no reason this can't be a win-win.
I mean, we're not the Japanese, now are we? No.
But I can see you're a racist in addition to being my good buddy.
You're a hoot, that's what you are.
Come on, let's all go work this out.
Find a way for my friend Clarence to be home for the holidays.
He gets worse.
Jerry, it's very difficult for me to work at my desk knowing you're curled up under yours.
I'm fine.
Have you seen those iPhones? They're very sexy.
Jerry, get up from under your desk, please.
- I'm fine.
- Jerry, please! Get up! Not to mitigate the tragedy which was once your great love, but Leigh is well, I believe the American term, a total nut job.
I'm quite sympathetic to the condition of objectaphilia, but if your girlfriend cheats on you with a clock radio and runs off with an iPhone she is bonkers and you'd best be done with her.
So stop your whinging and get on with it, would you please? Either that or go outfit yourself with a nappy.
Bloody hell.
Make sure he goes through the weapons detector as you go into the courthouse.
I heard that.
Carl.
I was in your office at six o'clock.
- You were a no show.
- I got a little tied up with Denny.
Would you like that? Let's try eleven o'clock today.
What's happening? I haven't the slightest idea.
It's a summons, but with no indication as to my fate.
I don't like that it's happening without Shirley.
- Jerry.
- Oh, shut up.
- Okay.
- Leigh dumped him.
For the clock radio? iPhone.
They are sexy.
Here's what I'm trying to do, Clarence.
I'm trying to get inside your head.
It's what I like to do.
You see, I find the best way to help people with their problem is to experience where they're coming from.
That suit you okay, my friend? Fine.
Okay, now, when Mr.
Chernack explained this loan He didn't really explain it.
Well, you went to law school.
Are you telling me that you signed a legal document without understanding it? Was it your client's intent to take advantage of him when it turned out he didn't, Mr.
Palmer? I'm sorry.
Melvin.
I keep forgetting we're buddies.
- You know what you are? - A hoot.
With a capital H, that's what you are.
Now Clarence, you did understand terms like 'float', and 'balloon', and 'piggyback', and Hell, sounds like a birthday party.
That's what that does.
But you did understand that your adjustable rate floated with the prime, didn't you? I certainly had no idea the prime would go through the roof.
Well, nor did the bank.
And nobody expected the housing market to take a dive.
I mean we all got caught with our pants down on that one, didn't we, Al? I do my best work with my pants down.
But then again, I'm the hoot.
With a capital H, that's what you are.
Yeah.
Please sit.
Well Lorraine.
I did a little survey with the firm.
Between the hundred and seventy-two attorneys currently practicing law at Crane, Poole and Schmidt, we've managed to rack up convictions in domestic violence, possession of marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, malicious destruction of property, DUI's, reckless driving and failure to file income tax returns.
That doesn't even include Denny.
You, on the other hand, haven't been convicted of anything.
You also seem to have led a rather model life over the past eight years setting aside your extra curricular activities in elevators.
Bottom line, you survive for now.
Mainly because Shirley likes you.
And Denny has a particular fondness in his heart.
If this prior career should take on a public relations life, we may have to revisit the situation.
But for now Thank you.
That's all.
Okay Jerry.
Why are you under my desk? I just came in to be alone.
Would you like me to leave? He flies around in a private jet.
He drives a tank.
This is Crane of Crane, Poole and Schmidt.
The firm does very little to be truly green.
And he told me they did a lot.
Well, this is fraud.
So you've known Denny Crane a long time.
You knew he flew in private jets and so forth.
True.
But he told me that he was starting to make sacrifices.
More importantly he told me the firm was green.
It's not.
Fraud.
First of all, I'm an enormous admirer of your organization, Green People.
- I think you're all to be congratulated.
- Well, thank you.
I do notice, however, the beverage your counsel's drinking.
Do you know sir, that the bottled water industry uses more than one point five million barrels of crude oil to manufacture their plastic? I know that we use oil to make products.
I do live in this century.
They happen to use a lot of oil.
Enough to fuel a hundred thousand cars for a year.
They also use vast amounts of fossil fuels to distribute their product.
What's worst is less than twenty-five percent of these bottles are actually recycled.
The rest end up in land fills or the ocean.
It's not really green at all to be drinking bottled water.
I'm not about to ask people to go green at the expense of their own health.
Oh, actually, it doesn't serve their health.
Scientists say that bottled water is no better for you than tap.
In fact it could be worse.
The EPA standards are looser, and in some cases the bacterial count is almost double.
This is not a referendum on water.
I beg your pardon.
Do you eat meat? I only ask because studies show eating meat contributes more to greenhouse gases than driving a car.
Denny says you two often have rib-eyes together.
Is that true? First, I don't believe that eating meat is worse for the environment than driving a car.
It is.
Contaminated runoff from slaughter houses is a major source of water pollution.
Livestock itself contributes eighteen percent of greenhouse gases just from, pardon me, farting.
That's more than all the trains, planes and automobiles put together.
Do you eat meat, sir? I'm not sitting here saying people need to go vegan.
But Denny Crane's firm is assaulting the environment.
I mean the man drives ah, an outrageous gas guzzling mon - What do you drive, may I ask? - I drive a hybrid.
Oh, dear.
/ Oh, what.
You're telling me that's bad too? Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but hybrid batteries contain nickel that is mined and smelted in a plant in Sudbury, Ontario.
A plant that has caused so much environmental damage and acid rain that NASA uses the so-called dead-zone around the plant to test its moon rovers.
I think a board member of Green People might know that.
That nickel then has to be shipped off via massive containers to a refinery in Europe, then off to China to be made into nickel foam then to Japan to be manufactured, then finally all the way back to America! All that, just to put a single hybrid battery into a car.
When you combine all the energy it takes to build and drive a hybrid it adds up to almost fifty percent more than it does to build and drive a Hummer.
They also save on fuel.
In terms of money perhaps, but because they do, studies show people are driving more.
Hybrids might result in more fuel consumption than gas cars.
I imagine you do know that? - No? - I love it.
Sorry.
My point is you can blame us all you want, my friend.
But nobody saw this coming.
Even Alan Greenspan was saying there were no bubbles in the housing market.
Is Alan Greenspan your good buddy too? I hear he can be quite the hoot.
Al, I really don't need you to make fun of me.
No! You don't.
The simple fact is this was a negotiable contract.
He's a lawyer.
Those are two facts actually.
What happened to the sub-prime was unforeseeable.
What happened to the housing market was unforeseeable.
When do we get to the win-win part of this meeting? This man was never lied to.
He made a deal.
Now he doesn't like it because it turned out to be a bad deal.
So what? He just stops making his payments? It seems to me he deserves to lose the house.
You think you can sue and win, Al, even though he flat out breached a contract? I'm asking myself, "What kind of a lawyer would think that?" That's what I ask.
But then I remember, you're not so much a lawyer as you are a gigantic hoot.
Am I right? I may not be much of a lawyer Mr.
Palmer but I can see the obvious.
Foreclose on Mr.
Bell's house and your client will be left holding an asset he can't sell and a loan that will never be paid off.
Over the next eighteen months two million of these teaser mortgages are going to expire.
And a trillion dollars' worth of loans are going to be called in as interest rates keep taking up and property values keep slipping down.
That trillion dollars' worth of debt is going to be secured by houses worth a fraction of that.
Keep throwing people out on the street, taking their homes instead of their money and you'll be left with a stock price of zero and a public that's out for blood.
Not mine, or his but yours and yours.
You can smell it in the air.
Anger and chaos.
If Shakespeare were alive today he might say, "First thing.
Let's kill all the bankers.
" Tell me, Melvin, what exactly do you plan to trade on in that courtroom? Your witless grin and home-style cookin'? Or perhaps the bank industry's stellar reputation.
The FBI has already claimed mortgage fraud as the fastest growing white-collar crime in America.
In some cites even drug dealers have turned to mortgage lending.
Profits are high.
Death rate is low.
Until, of course, people start shooting the suits.
I may not know much about law but even a gigantic hoot like me knows cases always come down to emotion.
Who do you think the jury's heart will go out to on this one? I've got a man who's lost his home and his entire life's savings.
You've got a bank.
These images here are basically microscopic plaques of debris, tangles of nerve endings containing a protein called tau.
Up to now, we've only be able to view these kind of tissue tangles in autopsies.
So, what are you saying? I'm dead? No.
I'm just saying with the latest PET scan developments we are now seeing things we never thought possible.
It's beyond innovation.
This is really the cutting edge.
Look.
Just tell me what all this crap means.
Well, you have MCI.
But that doesn't mean I've got AT&T.
I know my phone service.
I'm not that far gone.
No.
MCI stands for Mild Cognitive Impairment.
And this debris here represents signs of MCI.
Did I not just tell him I have AT&T? So, is this Alzheimers? Could be the early stages.
Nothing definitive.
Sometimes MCI is a transition stage between normal aging and Alzheimer's.
Other times it's just normal aging.
We see this in about twenty-nine percent of people under eight-five.
Of those people roughly twelve percent progress to Alzheimer's each year.
Do I look like Rainman? Just crunch the numbers for me! Well In about six years eighty percent have Alzheimer's.
So, let me understand what we have here.
I have an eighty percent chance of getting Alzheimer's in six years? Yes.
If it's any consolation at all, you're seventy-five.
You drink.
You smoke.
You probably won't live that long.
Denny Crane wasn't honest.
He told Walter Bonner that Crane, Poole and Schmidt was a green firm.
It wasn't.
I don't know about you, but I'm a little sick of the wide-spread practice of the tell-the-customer-what-he-wants-to hear, whatever-it-takes-to-get-the-account mentality.
It's fraud! They're not green.
It's bait and switch.
It's wrong.
These people need to be held accountable for their lies and deception.
You have to help hold them accountable.
Even if my client eats meat and I drink bottled water.
It's hard to know what the hell is good for the environment these days.
One minute we're being told, "Eat farmed salmon to spare the wild stocks.
" While another study says, "That may be the worst thing we can do for the wild salmon.
" There's a new study out that says people contribute more to greenhouse gas emissions by walking than by driving.
Because the increased energy it takes to walk makes people eat more which causes the proliferation of slaughter houses.
Ridiculous? It could be.
Everyone talks about ethanol.
Well, it turns out, to fill one SUV with pure ethanol would require four hundred and fifty pounds of corn.
Or roughly the amount of calories to feed a person for a year.
That's just one tank full.
We've heard how hybrid cars may not be all they're cracked up to be.
I mean, the information can sometimes become so contradictory it's confusing.
And as a consequence, easy to feel overwhelmed and an utter sense of futility.
Especially when people are running around screaming, "The end is near!" One thing that really would be helpful is if all the Chicken Little's would just stop yelling, "Doom!" and calm down.
And instead promote a little common sense.
We're not gonna stop driving cars.
People are not going to give up meat.
Or Christmas.
Now we can stop eating farmed salmon.
We can recycle.
We can drive less.
We can use florescent light bulbs.
Little things.
Maybe if we get the message out that the little things really make a difference, we'll all start doing them.
But suing people for not doing enough.
This is silly, isn't it? I wasn't listening.
Any good? Hello, Jerry.
Busy.
Jerry? What? Improper to make fun of the disabled? You're not disabled, Jerry.
You're a very abled man who happens to have Asperser's and a few eccentric ticks, but you're intelligent.
And you're mainstream.
And when it comes to finding a romantic partner? It's simply wrong for you to reduce your playing field to people who suffer mental disorders which Leigh Swift very much does.
With all due respect to objectaphilia, she needs medical attention.
For God's sake, you cannot be expected to compete with a gadget.
You need to start setting your sights a little higher.
That would make a lovely Valentine's movie.
But in the real world Real world? Women fall in love with men who beat them.
Men fall in love with their mothers.
Love is the most inexplicable, unscientific, irrational of all phenomena.
The only thing we know for sure is it can happen to anyone.
It usually does.
For you to be moping around with the idea it never will for you is simply unacceptable.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Fine.
Actually I'm writing a letter to Leigh now.
To get closure.
Excellent.
I thought it best to keep it short.
But I'm wondering if it's a little too short.
May I read it to you? Of course.
"Dear Leigh, Go to Hell.
Sincerely, Jerry.
" It is a bit short.
This offer in no way represents any admission of liability on our part.
But rather the charity that runs through my client's heart.
- To the Christmas season itself.
- Oh, Santa.
If your client brings his payments schedule current we will hold off on foreclosure.
- Rejected.
- What? This, this is a gift! Because you're my buddy, yes.
And since no gift should go unpunished, these are the terms.
He gets sixty days to bring his scheduled payments current and from there on he gets a fixed rate at eight.
Eight! Why on earth would we? Because you gave him two with the implied promise that it would fluctuate, - but certainly not detonate.
- I'm sorry but Not nearly as sorry as you'll be if you take your chances with me in court.
- My friend - I am not your friend.
I find the possibility of such a friendship vile.
Your best hope, Mr.
Milk, is that the first sub-prime lawsuit is brought against you by a buffoon like Mr.
Palmer.
You do not want the precedent set by me because I will get you.
Search my eyes, Mr.
Milk.
This is what the truth looks like.
Nine percent.
Let's split the difference.
Call it eight.
- Make the deal.
- Ah, Noris! I assure you Make the deal! You have some dog doo on your shoe.
¢Ü Out of all the reindeers you know you're the mastermind ¢Ü ¢Ü Said run, run Rudolph, Randolph isn't far behind ¢Ü Merry Christmas.
Hey, hey, hey! - You remember Doris? - Yes, of course.
How are you? - Fine.
- Doris is gonna sing a song later.
Fantastic! Doris, this is Denny.
Stop it.
Alan.
I don't know how to thank you.
Then why don't' we skip it? ¢Ü Said Santa to a girl child "What would please you most to get?" ¢Ü ¢Ü "A little baby doll that can cry, sleep drink and wet" ¢Ü - Hello, Jerry.
- Lorraine! Hello! Well! Hello! I heard you'll be staying.
I'm very pleased.
That's very nice of you to say.
Thank you, Jerry.
Is that a mercy kiss? A mercy kiss? Don't be ridiculous.
That was mistletoe.
- Merry Christmas, Jerry.
- You too! Happy holidays.
Where the hell were you? I lost interest.
Did we win? We did, actually, the jury found for us.
See? I told you.
Deep down people hate the environment.
That wasn't it, Denny.
But you're welcome.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Denny.
¢Ü Maybe it's much too early in the game ¢Ü ¢Ü Ooh, but I thought I'd ask you just the same ¢Ü Hello! Happy Holidays! Hello.
Hello, Jerry.
I was wondering if you'd like to dance? I'd love to.
What am I? Chopped liver? Maybe Whitney could have the next dance? / Of course! Hello.
Welcome.
I'll be waiting right here for you Jerryboy.
Would you like to dance, Whitney? Okay, Clarence.
Don't you try anything.
¢Ü New Year's Eve? ¢Ü ¢Ü Maybe I'm crazy to suppose ¢Ü ¢Ü I'd ever be the one you chose ¢Ü ¢Ü Out of the thousand invitations ¢Ü ¢Ü You received ¢Ü Can you imagine the nerve of that doctor telling me I wouldn't live long enough to get Alzheimer's? I'll make it.
You watch.
What are the odds of somebody getting Mad Cow and Alzheimer's? Right.
See? I feel good.
I think it's good to live life as though it were a finite thing.
Cause, it is.
I appreciate today.
And tomorrow I'll wake up, and there'll be another day to savor.
And after it I'll go to bed and I'll wake and there'll be another.
And another.
And another.
And a Besides, I can reverse this MCI thing.
Any time I want.
You can? I've ready a study.
Blood goes to your brain.
Blood goes to your penis.
But not at the same time.
So I wanna hone my mental skills? I just cut down on the sex.
Question is, "Is it really worth it?" I think Plato once asked that.
Don't you love Christmas? Anything goes wrong with the world, Christmas makes it go away.
Decorations.
Carols.
The tree.
I don't tell this to too many people, but I once had sex with a Christmas tree.
Not a real tree.
When I was in college my parents had one of those Christmas masquerade party things.
And ah, Diana Corlock, I think I mentioned her to you, she brought her slutty cousin along and she was dressed so beautifully in a she had the popcorn strings around her, and icicles, and candy cane from both She was magic.
So! Up to the room.
And my mother walked in and caught me humping a tree.
That was trouble.
And she was already mad at me for suckin' face with the Virgin Mary under a mistletoe.
That was a tough party.
Have you bought my present yet? Well, it's still a little early.
I know what I want.
Tell me.
Well, I saw you dancing close with Lorraine.
A lot closer than I'll ever get, but I've resigned myself to that.
And her perfume rubbed off on you.
I can smell it from here.
And? Alan.
Can I smell you? - That's all you want for Christmas? - Please.
- Better not try anything.
- I won't! Just wanna drink you in a little.
And pretend.
Oh, my.
What's this perfume on you? It's from one of the go-go dancers.
It's very good.
Wow.
Alan.
Don't talk.
It makes it harder to pretend you're Lorraine.
Did she say what it was, this go-go girl? Smell all you want, Alan, just don't talk.
May I say just one thing since this is my gift? What? Merry Christmas, Denny.
Merry Christmas, my friend.