Boston Legal s04e12 Episode Script

Roe v. Wade: The Musical

Previously on "Boston Legal" mr.
And mrs.
Ivan tiggs.
I think ivan is cheating.
Cheating on you, his wife? The important part is that you did the brave, honorable, honest thing by telling me.
And I still want you to represent me.
My name is leigh swift.
- This box - is my lover.
Would you like to get a drink with me? if you don't want to date me anymore, please just be honest with me.
I'm quite sympathetic to the condition of objectophilia, but if your girlfriend cheats on you with a clock radio and runs off with an iphone, she's bonkers, and you'd best be done with her.
Llo! missy.
Bet you're surprised to see me.
well I'm here under the most wonderful and tragic of circumstances.
So first the good news- I've been in therapy after ivan crushed me like a bug! Therapy's going well, I see.
Oh, it is.
Very innovative.
Created by two geniuses at emerson.
Maybe you've heard of it.
It's called "life is a song.
" Basically they teach you to look at the world as one big musical.
I'm thriving under it.
No matter how low things could get I get the idea.
anyway, I met someone.
And get this- he's a beautiful african man.
And he speaks perfect english.
He was born and raised in the states.
His great-grandparents moved here years ago.
So he's african-american then.
And it gets even better.
It couldn't possibly.
We're pregnant.
I'm having an african-american baby.
having his baby what's the tragic part, beside the music? Oh, yes.
Well, he doesn't want to have it.
Claims he never meant to get me pregnant.
Haven't we all heard that? Well, did he? Actually, no.
we only went out twice, actually, but because I want to have a family and there's that biological clock to worry about, I made a teeny-weeny little deposit of his seed thingy in the sperm bank.
Well, why did he give you his sperm if- well, he didn't exactly give it to me.
I played a little unzippedy-do with his fly thingy, and I "persuaded him" with "oral arguments.
" Then I put his african-american seed in a test tube, and I fertilized my egg.
That's how you got mr.
Sperm? and now he says he's going to sue me.
can you imagine? Set out my little honey trap, now I'm having an african-american baby Hello, jerry.
Hello, leigh.
Jerry I know we parted in an awkward way, for which I'm ashamed, but I'm not here about that.
I'm afraid I need a lawyer.
I've been fired from my long-standing teaching position.
What'd you do, give tongue to a locker? that was mean.
Dumping me for a smartphone was mean.
wh-why did they discharge you? Because I hugged a student.
Not sexually.
- Not like I would a- - a clock radio.
- Mean! - Meaner! you hugged a student? A student in distress.
I went to comfort her.
My school has a policy- no hugging.
This child needed a hug.
I gave it to her.
I want to sue them.
This political correctness crap has gone too far.
Could you help me? Missy tiggs is having yourhild? Look, the woman practically raped me.
You know what I'm saying? I can't be with her.
Well, mr.
Maxwell, you don't have to be with her.
But that's the thing, man.
That's the thing.
Would you mind telling me the thing? Look, I got causes in my lifE.
You know what I'm saying? Pediatric A.
I give some to your women with breast cancer.
I'm a public-minded brother.
My biggest cause, my thing, is daddy-go-bye-bye.
Absentee black fathers- it's a problem in the culture, in the country, and it's my biggest thing.
So I got two choices here- be an absentee father or live with missy tiggs.
Well, I'm afraid those are your only two choices.
Well, I want to stop it.
- Stop it? - Yeah, it.
I want you to help me stop it.
And again, for clarification, it is? Her having my baby.
Oh, well, I'm afraid you can't do that.
Why not? - Well- - you can do it.
I heard about you.
No, I know they hired shirley schmidt.
And I know you represented that ivan dude against them before.
You need to help me stop it.
First of all, I should say I'm not a hugger.
I find it very difficult to hug, in fact.
Why is that? Well, I'm very uncomfortable with my hands leaving my thighs- but on the day of january Yes.
She had just done poorly on an exam, and she was simply devastated.
I was talking to her about it.
She became inconsolable, and I hugged her.
You were aware your school has a no-hug policy? Yes, but this student was in distress.
She needed comfort.
And I felt I had to prioritize her needs over the school's policy in this instance.
You also made that exception last november when you hugged a different student.
A boy, upset over social problems.
And you were told by the principal not to do it again? Yes.
And you made yet another exception the second week of december, hugging yet another student.
Again you were told to stop, in fact warned that the next time could be grounds for discharge.
This policy is not right.
I see.
So you made a decision to defy it.
It's unfair.
Unfair? Has the school had a history of treating you unfairly, ms.
Swift? What is objectophilia? Objection.
This woman teaches our children.
If she suffers from a sexual disorder, it's certainly relevant, especially when she was discharged for improper physical conduct with a student.
It was not sexual in nature, and for you to imply so is out of line.
What is objectophilia, ms.
Swift? Please answer.
It's a condition where one is sexually attracted to objects.
I'm very nervous that he's coming in.
Maybe I should- He's very handsome, shirley.
Just looking at him can make my genitalia flutter.
Oh, please.
Can I- no! It calms me, shirley.
Plus, he responds to it.
Yeah, so do I.
No singing.
This here'S My lawyer.
What's going on here? What's going on is your client stole my client's semen.
Oh, right.
You gave it quite willingly, mr.
I didn't know what you were gonna do with it, woman.
Ahh, I love it when he calls me "woman.
" What exactly are you asking for? An abortion.
You are kidding.
If I were kidding, I'd stand like this.
You-you have read a little case called roe V.
Wade, which says a woman's body- read the case, saw the movie, got me to thinking, wouldn't the current supreme court just love an opportunity to overthrow roe without being vilified as antiabortion? Well ta-da.
What's this ta-da? Is that some legal thingy, like res ispa? What's ta-da? Setting aside the absurd notion that you might actually argue this yes, setting aside that.
As a matter of law- today's law- once the sperm, blood or tissue leaves the body, a person no longer has any proprietary right.
And also under today's law, you have no right whatsoever to get a court-ordered abortion.
Finish the sentence, shirley.
Go ahead.
I did.
From your tone, I could almost hear the tag, "and I'd like to see you try.
" I should think we'd just be able to conflict alan out.
Missy already waived conflict when we represented ivan, and terrence is waiving it now because he wants alan.
What can he come with? Well, I think the strongest argument would be public policy.
The state doesn't want fraud to be used to compel fatherhood against a man's will.
Well, we've got bigger public policy on our side.
Ordering an abortion.
Yes, but roe V.
Wade doesn't convey a woman's right to have a baby.
It's premised on heright to control her body.
Which would give her the right not to have a medical procedure against her will.
One would hope, but we wouldn't necessarily be talking about a medical procedure here.
Missy's only five weeks pregnant.
She could take the abortion pill, ru-486.
Taking a pill would arguably not constitute an invasive procedure.
And how would we counter that? Well vigorously? Personally, I hate the no-hugging policy.
But I dislike the insurance premiums more.
The fact is, some teachers have crossed the line.
And it could do irreparable damage to the kid, the school.
And the easiest way to safeguard against inappropriate contact is just to say no contact.
So just shut down all human contact, is that the idea? No.
The idea is to shut down post-traumatic distress when teachers abuse their trust.
The idea is to shut down lawsuits.
It was my daughter she hugged.
Did you object? Oh, god, no.
Bonnie was despondent.
Thank god there was a compassionate teacher who was there for her.
Believe me, we've got too many of the other kind.
Would you have been comfortable as a parent for a teacher with a known sexual disorder to be physically touching your daughter? Probably not, but I know this teacher.
Who should bear the burden of knowing all the teachers and deciding whether hugging is okay or not, the parents or the- or the principal, do you think? Obviously the principal.
In fact, you as a parent trust the principal to create a safe environment for the kids- true? Yes, that's true.
That didn't go very well, did it? It could've been better.
I'm sorry i haven't been better.
You've been great.
So now what? Well, we give our summations, and then the judge will rule.
Jerry, I appreciate your efforts, especially after I am sorry.
It's okay.
Life goes on.
Ob-la-di, c'est la vie, sacre bleu.
Will you ever forgive me? Leigh right now I need to concentrate on the case.
Wait a second.
You're actually asking me to order an abortion? I am, judge.
- Isn't it exciting? - No.
Well, then let's reframe the issue.
Let's just say we're here so that you may stop her from profiting from stealing this man's sperm.
What do you mean, she stole it? I mean they did not have intercourse.
It was never his intent to even have oral sex.
So let me tell you exactly how she came into possession of his sperm.
I think I know.
How did she get pregnant? She put the ill-gotten proceeds in a test tube popped it in the fridge, a shower and gargle, and off to the fertility clinic she went.
I want you in that chair.
Your honor, it doesn't matter how this pregnancy came to be.
you can't- it-it matters to me.
Hold on, sir.
You in that chair, after lunch.
We're adjourned.
Can you imagine? The judge is going to have a hearing.
Well well, what? Well well, shirley, what if somebody stole your eggs? How would you feel? My eggs are on display at the natural history museum.
Anybody can walk in and take them.
No, I know.
I'm serious.
This man was violated.
Even so.
A court-ordered abortion? Courts have terminated pregnancies before, either for mentally handicapped women or- missy is not retarded.
You had her tested? carl, I'm- I'm surprised at you.
Well, you know what? I'm surprised at you, shirley.
Your fairness compass is always spot-on.
It's fritzing out here.
We're now having a fight.
Which you're losing, and that bothers you.
You actually believe a judge should be able to order a woman to have an abortion? I think they should be loathe to do so, but yes.
You re looking for me? Yes.
I was wondering if you could join me after lunch for about an hour.
What have you got in mind? Heartburn.
I have a case.
I could use a woman at the table to preempt any charges of chauvinism since- no, thank you.
I know about your case, alan.
It's repugnant.
And good luck trying to find any woman to sit at your table.
Lorraine, let's just put, uh, gender politics aside for the moment and focus- that's cute.
Like leaving biasut of prejudice.
I don't really think that can be done, alan, not even by you.
So sorry.
I hope you lose.
Bye, denny.
I really don't get it.
I agree it's a woman's body, and therefore her rights should take priority.
But what's the rationale that justifies excising the man completely from the equation? They got us on this one, alan.
Until the supreme court fixes the problem- and they're handpicked to do so-they got us.
Their rights, their body, period.
And they have those, too.
So it all evens out.
Denny crane.
You heard it here.
I've always wanted to have a baby.
Of course, with the right man.
Terrence was right for me.
We fell in love so quickly.
At least, I did.
After two dates? Look at him.
He's gorgeous! The thought of having beautiful, mocha-chocolata bambinos with him ooh, it brings a flutter to my- missy! what the hell was that? my-my client's in a form of music therapy to combat stress.
Just one note is more than eugh.
Music therapy? Yes, your honor.
I like to look at life as a big musical.
The night I met terrence, it was a musical.
can you te us about the night that you conceived? Well, as I said, it was magical.
We had gone to a club.
We danced.
We snuggled.
We giggled.
And after the club? We went back to my place, had some wine, and we got romantic, at least I did.
He looked at me, I looked at him.
and we both knew, at least I did.
Have to believe we are magic and you got pregnant at a fertility clinic with terrence's sperm? Yes, after our seminal moment together, I put the goods in a little test tubey, took it the lab, and they put it in the oven.
When it bakes, soon I'll have my little obama baby.
Thank you.
She's all yours.
I don't really want her.
I suppose I'm obligeD.
- Missy.
- Hello.
You wish you and terrence were together, don't you? I do.
But if you can't have him- I'll have his baby.
have you thought for one second how this would affect terrence? Well, I would hope he'd be happy, for me, for us.
- And if he's not? - Tough.
This may be a rhetorical question, but let me ask it anyway.
Do you think you're fit to be anybody's mother? - Objection.
- Sustained.
I'd like to respond to that.
Go ahead, without song.
I will be a good mother.
I'm sorry mr.
Man doesn't want this child.
That's too bad for m it's too bad for the baby.
And let's not forget, there is a baby here.
There's another life involved.
If you want to vilify me, punish me, go ahead.
But do not punish this child.
It is grossly unfair to do so with the death penalty.
I feel like the big monster now.
You're not a monster, mr.
You're actually being quite heroic.
You're giving voice to a male ouage that's long overdue.
For women to be able to just- it's not just that.
It's the idea of that woman.
I mean, there's assimilation and there's assimilation.
That woman should not be allowed to parent a black child or a half-black child.
There, I said it.
Should I say it in court? Terrence, there's no real advantage in you testifying, and I don't want to give them the opportunity to portray you as someone other than who you are.
So what now? You give one of those big, long speeches then? yes.
I do that.
I think the judge liked my singing.
Don't you? - How could she not? - Shirley.
Ah, carl, still alive.
Well that's mature.
Anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.
Fighting? We are.
Problem? Working on my closing.
I may have to use the cigarette.
Why? Well, this issue hugging? I'm finding it very hard to get a rhythm.
do you know my mother hugged me a grand total of two times? One was by accident.
She thought I was choking and performed the heimlich maneuver.
Did your father hug you? No.
He believed in firm handshakes.
Which was pretty much a bust since I could rarely convince my hand to leave my thigh.
The first hug I ever got, truly, was a couple years ago, from alan.
Really? have you got another one of those I cou use? I have to close against alan shore.
He's really good, isn't he? The best I've ever seen.
Thank you for that.
Katie, I've seen you in the courtroom.
You don't need to be afraid of anybody.
Even alan shore? Here's the thing with alan he likes to get dominion of the room and keep opposing counsel off balance.
Just don't let him.
Also, when his case wobbles- and here it does- he tries to reframe the issue into one that suits him.
He's very clever that way.
Don't let him.
Listen to me.
I feel I'm being disloyal to him.
You're being very loyal to me.
I appreciate it.
Jerry, you are a dear, dear friend.
leigh! Hello.
- Welcome.
- Welcome.
Are you two boyfriend and girlfriend? No, we're w-work friends, colleagues.
Somebody still seems a little smitten, jerry.
This isn't the only school with a no-hug policy.
Many, many others are doing the same thing.
And it isn't just because they're litigation averse.
It's for the chiren.
The statistics don't lie.
Many of the worst and most far-reaching cases of abuse happen at the hands of trusted adults, be it a priest or a teacher or a relative.
Does this policy go too far? I'm sure some would say it does.
But on what side do we want to err here? it's not just happening at schools.
Many corporations and businesses now forbid physical contact.
It cuts down on sexual harassment lawsuits.
Perhaps with the continued evolution of smartphones and mails and video conferencing, we'll find a way to keep people from ever being in the same room together.
Won't that be wonderful? Years ago they did an experiment with an orphaned baby monkey.
They gave it two choices for a surrogate- one which could provide milk, the other a hug.
The monkey chose the hug.
I'm sure we all saw this picture in the newspapers a few months ago.
Yes, very sweet.
But for my money, one case of child abuse trumps a cute monkey.
Yes, your honor.
I grew up with various social disabilities.
I had no friends.
I got a job that only required I write memorandums.
I lived, basically, a life with no real human contact.
My client is an objectophile.
Both of us improved through the kindness, compassion and yes, physical affection of others.
The human touch cannot be quantified.
It cannot be analyzed with statistics.
We can't place a number on it, but it is much, much more than a doorway to sexual molestation.
It's the best, the most direct, thmost lasting way of affirming another person's humanity.
Leigh swift was trying to comfort a student who was suffering.
What policy can possibly justify firing her for that? Six years ago isolation had brought me to the point I considered taking my life.
I picked up the phone and punched out 4-1-1, so desperate was I to hear just the sound of another person's voice.
I got some automated recording that said, "what city and state, please?" And I wept.
We are living in such an increasingly isolated world, your honor.
We I.
And text message and have virtual relationships online.
It gets lonelier and lonelier while teenage and adult depression continues to rise.
There are perhaps many things we can do about it.
Banning the hug can't be one of them.
The thing about women, carl, if you reject their opinions, their principles, they feel you're rejecting them, which is so wrong, since with most relationships, we're in it only for the sex.
Uh, you won't be getting any, by the way, from shirley, unless you agree with her.
I don't know, denny.
Maybe shirley and i aren't right for each other.
Don't go overreacting now.
You ever wonder if all relationships are finite? Of course they are.
That's why we have kids, marriage vows, onerous divorce laws- all to make it too impossible to leave once we know it's over.
We're a pro-marriage nation.
That's very cynical, denny.
Would you marry shirley? In a second.
May I? I think she would want a say.
Yes, therein lies the problem.
Marriage, abortion, you name it we were much better off in the old days, before women got a say.
Supreme court will get us back there.
Just give 'em time.
all right, before we begin, ms.
Tiggs, no singing.
If you so much as accidentally hit a note while clearing your throat, I will rule in his favor.
- You got that? - Yes, your honor.
All right, now, mr.
Shore, you can't stand before me and tell me you expect this court or any court to order that a woman get an abortion.
That's exactly what expect.
The idea is appalling to you because next to the "n" word, only the "a" word is more controversial.
Only the "a" word can stir up such deep-seated passion, not of love, which one might hope for when thinking of life and its conception, but rather of anger and rage.
In fact, there isn't any issue in this country as combustible.
My advice here would be to not think of it as the "a" word at all.
Let's just think of it as requiring this woman who flagrantly and deliberately defrauded my client, requiring her to simply take a pill, some medication.
We do it all the time.
We force medicate in psychiatric hospitals, a place where, ironically, this woman should certainly be stuck.
Will you slow the hell down? Under the law, judge, there is no life here.
She's five weeks pregnant.
At five weeks, there is no life recognized by the law.
Shore is incorrect.
The relevant case law goes only to viability.
It makes no determination as to when human life begins.
And whatever one's opinion may be on abortion, we can't dispute that life, however embryonic, originates at conception.
But the only issue today is can the court invade the autonomy of her body.
And I would say yes.
We're not talking about an intrusive procedure.
We're asking that she take a pill, a little tablet, like an aspirin-the ru-486.
It's very effective, the side effects are rare, and it's safe.
I can't speak as to when mr.
Shore had his last abortion, but they are anything but a breeze, even with the ru-486.
It presents the same symptoms as a miscarriage, including cramping, bleeding.
It could take days or even weeks, and that's not even accounting for the emotional aftereffects, which could last a lifetime.
- This woman hijacked my sperm.
- Mr.
Maxwell- I love it when he calls me woman.
I did not have intercourse with her that night.
Why? Because I did not want to run the risk of getting her pregnant.
I would submit that mr.
Maxwell has various legal remedies.
He can sue her in a civil court for damages, though she's not asking for child support- oh, and now who's not accounting for the emotional aftereffects? Where is it written that, "hey, if he doesn't have to contribute to the raising of the child, then it's no harm, no foul"? Mr.
Shore- it's my flesh and blood.
My child.
And you want to kill it.
All right.
Tempers are starting to flare- yes, they are, judge.
As I said, this is an angry topic.
And one of the reasons we're also enraged is we never got a say.
The american public never got a vote on abortion.
It was decided by fiat- nine men sitting on a court.
Why we don't put the issue on a ballot completely escapes me.
Especially since our judicial selection process has now become so corrupted by the politics of abortion, as our presidential and congressional campaigns have.
But we the people, we don't get a vote.
And it leaves us feeling frustrated and angry, powerless.
Can you imagine? This issue that goes to the core of our human values, and we don't get to weigh in? We have to sit back and watch a president puppeteered by the religious right, stacking the deck, in the supreme court- you're getting off point.
No, I'm very much on point.
You take that sense of helplessness and rage that the public feels, multiply it times 1, 000, and you get a sense of what my client feels.
Somebody would be having his baby, and he doesn't even get a say? He wasn't careless or cavalier.
He was tricked, deceived, defrauded, and he has no rights here at all? He should be afforded all his rights under the law, and under the law today, the court cannot and should not order a woman to undergo an intrusive medical procedure.
Can there be anything more medically, physically and emotionally intrusive than an abortion? I'm sorry, but at the risk of sounding very politically incorrect, as much as we're all supportive of multicultural families- it's become so fashionable to adopt exotic babies from different lands and places- but I'm sorry, that woman makes julie andrews seem like a black panther.
She has no conception of black culture.
This is wrong.
There, I said it.
Everyone can start writing their letters.
Maybe the should be some kind of a test one has to pass.
But that I've probably said enough.
Yes, you have.
Any word? No, but she promised to rule by the end of the day, so terrence suppose we do win? You can certainly expect a whole lot more of all this.
The appeals court, the state supreme court, the supreme court- by that time, she'll have had the baby.
Are you prepared to push this all the way? Maybe not.
Even if we win, I mean, I don't know if I can make her terminate.
Then why? I don't know.
Maybe empowermenT.
Maybe I just want it to be my choice, too.
that crazy? It isn't crazy at all.
Nobody said "all rise, " but.
I agree completely with mr.
To ban a simple hug seems way too far-reaching, if not draconian.
I'm mindful, however, that we have thousands and thousands of unlawful sexual touchings on school campuses every year, committed by both teachers and students.
It's a tough call.
What tips it for me are the facts of this case.
The plaintiff suffers from objectophilia, a diagnosed sexual disorder.
Add to that she had been warned on prior occasions not to touch the students.
Judgment for the defendant.
Poop! Withdrawn.
We're adjourned.
I'm sorry, leigh.
Me, too.
Thank you so much for trying, jerry.
You fought very valiantly.
I'm sorry we didn't get a good result.
Speaking of trying would you like to give us a try again? I don't know.
I I don't think I can compete with an iphone.
I don't know that any man could.
My therapist thinks I'm gravitating to things because they can't dump me.
I got scared with you, jerry.
I suppose I want safety in a relationship, but I realize nobody gets that.
I don't know what to say.
How about yes? how about we just hug and see how it feels? If you ask me, we've seen a great evolution in fatherhood over the last 20, 30 years.
We now have stay-at-home dads, fathers who are the primary caregivers.
Pretty damn good progress from my perspective.
When it comes to a father's legal rights, however, the law has stayed stagnant.
Tiggs your behavior here is disgusting.
You knew this man did not want to father a child with you.
You performed a sex act on him to come in possession of his sperm.
You used that sperm to impregnate yourself.
If the law permitted, I would have you thrown in jail.
But I end exactly where I began.
No court, including this one, is going to order an abortion.
Maxwell, your damages here, if any, would be legal, not equitable.
Motion denied.
We're adjourned.
- Well, we tried.
- Yeah.
Thanks, mr.
Thank you, shirley, katie.
I'm going to be a mom.
And I'll bet a wonderful one at that.
Well, best of luck, missy.
Let's get out of here.
I gotta be involved.
If I'm gonna be a father, then I'm gonna be a father.
I'd like that.
Not about you.
Maybe you and i could give it a go.
I really, really like you.
It's not every day I meet a truly noble person who makes my genitalia flutter.
I can't be with you, missy.
We'll work out this parenting thing, but I can't be with you.
A place where nobody dared to go the love that we came to know bye, missy.
They call it xanadu and now open your eyes and see what we have made is real we call it xanadu so katie kicked your ass.
let me tell you something about this katie lloyd.
She is going to be some lawyer.
For her to be this good already, just out of law school, it's scary.
How far women have come.
They used to be objects we jt wanted to have sex with.
Now they're intelligent, autonomous, powerful things we just want to have sex with.
We may even have a woman as president, denny.
I had a dream about her as president- hillary, you know.
Tell me.
She invited me into the oval office.
We had tea, discussed politics, then we got right down to it.
She was fantastic.
You had a hillary sex dream? Oh, she is so hot, alan, in a dominatrix-praying-mantis sort of way.
I'd like to have one night alone with that tramp.
What? You have been cranky this week.
Is everything okay? Fine.
Something's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.
my sophomore year in college, I got my girlfriend pregnant.
She came to me, told me, and then proceeded to say, "don't worry, I've alrea taken care of it.
" It was done.
It had already been done.
And I alized that she had probably been scared and confused, but I felt completely invisible, as if I had no ability to express love, care, support.
But for me to have no voice, as if I had no opinion when it would have been my child, too such prejudice against men.
The issue is always about forcing us to take responsibility, never about our rights.
there's a conversation men could have with women before having sex.
Perhaps an understanding should be reached before- no, it's hard enough to get the condom on.
now you want to add conversation to the mix? How many times have you had that problem taken care of with women? I don't know.
On the one hand, I want to perpetuate the species.
I am, after all, denny crane.
On the other hand, imagine the world- kids running around with mad calves disease.
I shudder.
don't you want to be a father someday, alan? I don't know.
It'll happen.
Can I be godfather? He'll need somebody to tell him about women.
He can't have that discussion with dad.
You still want that son, don't you? take him fishing, teach him to drive a stick.
When he gets older, he can introduce me to some of his girlfriends.
It's all good.
People say having a family that it's everything.
Are we missing out, denny? Well, I feel I have a family of sorts here.
I don't think it's the same.
I've got you.
You've got me.
And I feel blessed.
How many people have that? Not enough.

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