Boston Legal s05e11 Episode Script
Juiced
Previously on boston legal I have an 80% chance of getting alzheimer's? Have you been feeling other symptoms lately? Sometimes i feel a little foggy.
I don't seem to always get things.
We all know it, we laugh it off, We say, "isn't the mad cow cute?" At what point do we all admit the man needs help? -The firm is going broke? -We may have to shut our doors.
Did i know this and forget? You've been almost like a big sister to me.
If you knew this crazy catherine piper do you think they considered me sane? If only they could know you like i do.
Hello, dear.
May i help you? Yeah, i'm looking for a lawyer.
Uh, yes, i suspected as much.
You're in a law firm.
Uh, what have you done, dear? Well, i, uh, i got into harvard, and then-- A pretty little thing like you? Oh, please.
Who'd we do, sweetheart? Then they rescinded my admission, And now i would like to sue them.
Of course you would.
Um, katie, be a dear and help this young lady.
Uh, katie will help you, dear.
Why don't we go to the conference room? Okey.
Hello.
Who are you? Uh, i'm catherine, honey.
D-- Who are you? Carl sack.
May i help you? I doubt it.
Uh, you strike me as pushy.
May i ask, And i think i may, being, uh, a senior partner, Just wh-What what are you doing here? I work here, dear.
You work here? Yes, dear.
Who hired you? Shirley schmidt did, dear.
She's my older sister.
I think if shirley schmidt had hired you, -She would've told me.
-Really? Does she tell you everything? Did she tell you she went to cabo for the week? She did, And she left me a contact number if you can imagine.
Well, that's lovely.
Did she tell you her calls Were being forwarded to her younger sister? Hello.
Who's calling, please? Is it the pushy man? sync:vine s5e11 Okay, denny, i want you to count backwards By sevens from a hundred.
Why? It's just a test.
Uh, 86.
like the orwell-- Who the hell wrote that? No, no, you were down to W-Whatever.
Continue, please.
Hell of year--'67.
The sox won the pennant.
Jimmy lonborg pitched a 2-Hitter second game, And yaz plunked two out.
Hell of a game.
Who pitched the first game of tt world series? Jose santiago against, uh, bob gibson.
Gibson pitched, uh, three times, won the series.
Who's the best pitcher for the sox this year? Don't tell me.
Uh uh josh pecker.
Hell of a pitcher, pecker.
Who's the best hitter? Uh, that's, uh, that black guy-- Uh, the, um-- Ortiz.
David ortiz.
He's half black, half mexican, half dominican.
Who's the president of the united states? Barack obama.
He's half hawaiian, half kenyan half black and half, Uh, halle berry.
It has progressed.
Last year, we were at stage, Which is basically mild cognitive decline.
Now it's more like stage 4, which is moderate.
Talk to me like i'm in the room, would you? I am.
You remember yesterday very well, But forming new memories is obviously more difficult.
Cut to the punch line.
You're in the early stages of alzheimer's.
We're not talking about precursor's anymore.
It's here.
Academic doping? Yeah.
You find a friend with a prescription For ritalin or adderall, And you pop some pills to help study and stay focused the day of the s.
A.
T.
-And you did this? -Yeah.
It's not illegal.
And how'd you do on the s.
A.
T.
? I got a perfect score.
And i was accepted to harvard which is fairly newsworthy Given i went to your average small-Town public school.
I did an interview with the local paper where i was quoted as saying Ritalin was a godsend when it came to test taking.
And that sparked a whole debate in the comments section-- Is it ethical, is it not-- And the boston papers picked it up, And suddenly i'm in the middle of this controversy That harvard wants no part of, So they rescind my offer of admission.
Well, i believe taking a controlled substance Without a prescription actually is illegal.
No, it's a study aid, Just one step above potent coffee.
So what would you like us to do? Get me reinstated at harvard.
I didn't do anything to deserve this.
I mean, they're singling me out, And now no school will take me.
Where are your parents with all this? Beyond devastated.
It was their dream to see their little girl go to harvard.
I have to fix this.
I screwed it up and i have to fix this.
What are you doing at my desk? Oh.
Oh.
I-I was just straightening up.
That's what assistants do.
You're not my assistant.
Yes, i am, dear.
No, i have an as-- Where is she? -Oh, francine? -Mm.
-I fired her.
-You-- Too pretty, too young-- She's a distraction.
All right, i'm calling security.
Look, honey, you sure you want to make trouble For shirley's sister? -I mean, after all-- -Your name is catherine piper.
You were fired for, among other things, being psychotic.
I also have cancer, dear.
There.
It's out.
I am desperate for a distraction, Anything to occupy myself while I'm sorry.
I didn't come here to indulge you have cancer? Not really, but i could get some if you'd like.
Oh, 9-1-1.
Look, if i could just work here on a temporary-- Oh, sorry.
(The practice's themed music) What's the emergency? How did i'm afraid they said no.
But did you point out I didn't actually violate any policy or-- They're citing honesty, moral character.
Uh, everybody's doing it.
-I realize that, but-- -But you went public, margie.
We can take it to court, But i wouldn't expect to be successful.
Oh, we--We have to try.
I have geared my whole life toward going to harvard.
I just i need to try.
Please.
I don't know, jerry.
You say she didn't have a prescription.
All the kids are doing this, alan-- Geing it without prescriptions.
Well, that's not much of an argument.
You could argue that rescinding her admission is arbitrary Since they have no official policy.
Oh, alan.
Um, hey, jerry.
Alan, there's a drug-- It's called, uh, dimebolin, something like that-- And i want it.
My doctor won't give it to me.
It's from russia.
It stems off alzheimer's.
Denny, slow down.
I can't at the moment.
I've taken a little too much adderall.
Adderall? See? That's what margie takes, that and ritalin.
Ritalin.
I love ritalin.
Denny, what did we agree on regarding your medicines? I would be in charge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but i'm the one with the alzheimer's.
I'll take what i want, and right now, i want dimebolin.
And you've gotta help me get it.
You okay, jerry? Academic doping it has such a stigma to it.
What about emotional doping? What do you mean? That's what i do-- Emotional doping.
I take my little helpers to do you think it reflects poorly On my moral character? No.
What's the difference? Well, your medication is prescribed for one thing.
Mostly.
And second, you have a specific, diagnosed condition, jerry-- Asperger's syndrome.
Three years ago, you couldn't even make eye contact.
I take pills that affect my brain To help me perform better.
Jerry, i'm the first one to say We have an overmedicated society.
We've got 3 year olds on antipsychotics.
People who don't even have high cholesterol take statins.
People take sleep aids when maybe they should just Read a book or masturbate.
I-It's out of control.
But that's not to say that many drugs don't do a lot of good.
They save lives.
People need drugs like insulin or blood pressure medicine To simply maintain their health.
And drugs help some people to live normal, productive lives Who might otherwise not.
You fall into that category.
Popping pills to Get better s.
A.
T.
Scores-- That's something different.
You are not working here, catherine.
That much has been decided.
Well, then what are we doing in your office, Behind closed doors where you could sexually ravage me With no witnesses to say it didn't happen? We're here because i'm told you're a friend of alan's.
And as a courtesy to him and you, I thought i would at least give you An opportunity to explain why you're doing this.
I'm doing it because i'm old And i'm bored.
All my friends are dead.
It's not like i could go skiing Or--Or mountain climbing or honestly, a-Assuming i were qualified to be your assistant, Uh, would you employ somebody my age? Probably not.
I didn't think so.
I got that on tape, dear.
Now i can e you for age discrimination.
Best you keep me on, avoid the controversy.
Get out, catherine.
I didn't cheat.
I took medicine To help my brain function at its highest level.
You didn't have a prescription for the medication.
A dozen faculty members at cambridge university Admit to taking unprescribed adderall To improve their own academic performance, But nobody's expelling them.
They're claiming it shows poor moral character.
And i reject that.
Helicopter pilots take prescription stimulants to stay alert.
Medical interns take drugs for narcolepsy So that they can work all night.
Should we indict all of them as well? All they've done is use a pharmacological tool So that they could do their work more effectively.
Certainly you're aware That harvard has extremely high standards.
Of course.
John f.
Kennedy was a graduate.
As was the unabomber.
-F.
D.
R.
-Hitler's foreign press secretary.
Numerous literary figures-- Emerson, thoreau-- And the cardinal archbishop Who shielded child molesters from prosecution.
For faculty, You had timothy leary and his l.
S.
D.
Experiments-- Ms.
Coggins, do you want to go to harvard or not? Yeah, i do desperately.
My point is harvard's not perfect, But neither am i.
But at every opportunity, I endeavor to be the best possible version of myself.
And that's all i was doing by taking ritalin.
The early trials have been encouraging.
It's in the stage 3 trials now.
I want it.
Well, you can't have it.
Why not? Because it's not f.
D.
A.
Approved.
-This drug is a long way-- -I don't care.
Mr.
Crane, i'm not allowed to prescribe this medication.
And even if i were and did, you still couldn't get it -Since it hasn't been-- -How long before It's available to the public? My guess is at least two years, probably three.
-The f.
D.
A.
Hasn't even analyzed -I-I'll--I'll be dead -The data of the trials-- -In three years.
Where's the drug? Who's got it? Well, pfizer just bought the rights, But nobody can just say, "okay, i'll give it to you.
" It would be illegal to do so Unless you get yourself enrolled in a clinical trial, But i think it's fully booked.
Let's be fair.
It's not just the s.
A.
T.
That gets a person admitted.
Of course not.
Margie, in fact, is also a national merit finalist, Captain of her swim team, class valedictorian.
We get applications From thousands of national merit finalists, Thousands of captains and thousands of valedictorians.
But this one, you offered admission.
Yes, until she admitted she had used brain enhancent drugs.
As do thousands of other students.
Do you have a way to weed all of them Out of your applicant pool? No.
And there's actually no policy at harvard Explicitly forbidding what you term "academic doping," -Is there? -I think in future-- So you intend to enforce future rules against her.
Do you think that's fair? We consider her actions to be immoral, And we reserve our right To make our admissions decisions accordingly.
I've decided not to sue you.
How sweet.
Listen, Th-That part about me being desperate for a distraction, That was true.
It isn't fair, carl.
I have my health A-And my mind is as sharp as--As well, you people come up with all this medicine To--To--To keep us alive, Even thrive, And you don't know what to do with us.
I was thinking if i were to come up With something i could sue for, Something legitimate, And it could make the firm money-- Uh i suppose If you had a legitimate cause of action, Then we would-- Drugs.
Uh, okay, they make them too expensive, -While in canada, you can-- -No.
Inflation.
Uh, our social security payments -Don't keep pace-- -No.
Oh.
Look, some jobs still have a mandatory retirement age.
No.
These are all legitimate.
Catherine, you have to have standing.
It has to directly impact you, Harm you.
Look how insensitive you're being.
Th-This is exactly the problem.
We're just shoved aside as a nuisance.
I can't even watch television shows, for god sake, Because the networks consider me irrelevant.
You'd think they don't program for anybody over 50.
Is it any wonder I'm out knocking over convenience stores? You actually may have something there.
The networks-- They're supposed to serve the public.
Okay, catherine we'll take that case.
Really? I'm over 50 myself and i want something to watch.
How we doing? Fine.
I got a hearing before judge peyton tomorrow.
We'll take our best shot.
Shirley's at the fat farm.
You hear? Why? She's not fat.
You know brides.
They like to get all skinny before the wedding.
It's all about how they look in their dress.
You know the best part of having, uh mad cow? Sometimes not often i think we're still together.
As delusions go, it's one of the better ones.
You gonna be okay, denny, attending her wedding? Yeah.
Well what i'm not okay with is sitting on my ass while my brain rots.
I have a big problem with that, though.
We go before judge peyton in the morning.
Yeah, you told me.
You gonna stay here all night, jerry? It's not even clear Those drugs gave her all that much of an advantage.
She scored 99th percentile on the practice test, Which she took without the drugs.
Jerry, she cheated.
Let's not kid ourselves.
Most kids get a bigger advantage By taking the s.
A.
T.
Prep program.
They actually can boost scores by 150 points.
Those programs are legitimate.
And not affordable to kids like margie.
Let's face it, katie.
The rich have such a leg up in this college racket.
According to one chancellor, in ivy league schools, Poor applicants really only get a shot at 40% of the slots.
The rest are reserved for families of privilege.
But jerry, you cannot be a fan of academic doping.
I'm just saying life isn't an even playing field, And for those who are weaker than meaning you? Jerry, you're not weaker than.
You have asperger's.
You have no idea how afraid i am To leave my apartment.
Every day every morning, I actually wonder, will i get out the door or not? It seems you win that battle every day.
Yeah on drugs.
You can't sue the networks.
The airwaves, judge, are a public trust, at least as far As the broadcast networks are concerned.
-That's why they're regulated.
-It's still a business.
I mean, bungee jumping might be regulated.
Are you saying that those outfits Would have a duty to service the elderly? No, that would be unreasonable.
But to require a broadcaster to program for everybody isn't.
Mr.
Suck.
Sack.
Your honor, there may have been a time When it made practical business sense to exclude the old, But not today.
Americans over 50 make up the fastest growing market.
It's about money, not how many-- Really? Gee.
I would've never guessed that.
The baby boomers, now all over 50, Earn $2 trillion in annual income.
That's trillion.
Madison avenue is after the discretionary spender.
Yes, and people over 50 account for half of that, too.
Choose your statistic.
Go ahead.
I've got you.
We've got more money.
We spend more money.
We watch more television, go to more movies.
We buy more cds than young people do, And yet we're the focus of less than 10% of the advertising.
All the networks want to do is skew younger.
Kid shows for kids.
You know, the only show unafraid to have its stars over 50 is "b"-- Gee, i can't say it.
It would, um, break the wall.
Oh, mr.
Suck.
It's still sack.
I can't tell the networks what shows to make.
No, but yocan order them not to discriminate.
What they're doing intentionally excludes a class of society.
That's bigotry.
You know, we should be able to turn on our damn televisions And see something Other than reality shows aimed at fourth graders, Games shows aimed at those Slightly smarter than fifth graders And scripted shows With dim-Witted, sex-Crazed 20-Somethings Running around in suits or doctor scrubs.
Old people, the ones with intelligence, Don't want to watch that crap.
We're fed up! You know, the networks might think we're dead, but we're not.
We're very much alive with working brains.
Give us something to watch, damn it! You ready, denny? Denny? What's wrong? I must have nodded off.
I was dreaming about shirley.
We were on a bench.
She asked me to marry her.
What a dream.
Were my eyes closed when you came in? Yeah.
You must have nodded off.
You ready? We're due in court.
Mr.
Shore, the supreme court already ruled on this very issue.
No, they didn't, judge.
The supreme court, in fact, refused to rule on it.
They couldn't be bothered to even hear the case.
I'm sure if one of their friends were dying, We would've had a different result.
Oh, come on.
Why can't mr.
Crane take the drug and simply assume All the inherent risks if he so chooses? Because we don't let people take drugs While they're still in the investigative stage, And with good reason.
Think of the potential for abuse.
Potential for abuse? What's the downside? He could die? He's doing that anyway.
No, he isn't.
He could live -A long time with alzheimer's.
-Which could be worse.
And it's possible the disease could take years to progress.
He could have many healthy years while we-- There are all kinds of possibilities and choices.
Why can't they belong to the patient? There is still so much That is still so unknown about dimebolin that-- Yes, and we'll assume all of the risks.
-Do i ever get to speak? -I'd prefer you didn't.
-We're wasting precious time.
-Mr.
Shore, I am a superior court judge.
I have to take my cues from the appellate court.
On this issue, the law is clear.
A patient, even a dying patient, Has no constitutional right to experimental treatment.
Now do i agree with that precedent? No, not really.
So this is what i will do-- I'll certify it to the massachusetts supreme court.
Maybe they can find the authority To give you what you want.
We are adjourned.
So now what? We go to the state supreme court.
There's nine of them.
Let's hope that at least one has a relative Who has an incurable disease.
When was the last time a pretty lady sat ne to you And sucked on your ear lobe? And don't count the number of times You had to pay for it.
How dare you? I'm eating my lunch.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Throw an old lady a bone.
You are.
a shocking woman! Look, judge, i know this is--Is ex parte Or some--Whatever, uh, uh, Some latin term that means i can't gum your body parts.
But why don't you just give me something good to watch on tv? I mean, the airwaves are a public trust.
Am i right? Uh, catherine, what are you doing? She's trying to suck on my ear.
That's what she's doing.
-Outrageous! -Catherine, Go inside the courthouse.
I'll meet you there.
Now.
Ahem.
I apologize, judge.
You ask me, Your client already watches too much television.
-Ah.
-And that smutty mouth.
Sex, sex, sex, sex.
That what you watch? Silence! Uh, well, you know, judge, In addition to there being little for us to watch, Most of it stinks, And it's partly this thing's fault.
What are you talking about? Well, a lot of people are on it while they're watching.
They no longer give television their undivided attention.
We're either on the phone Or we're texting or on the internet.
So the producers, they dumb down the plots, Make it easier to keep up with while their viewers multitask.
Really? Kids nowadays watch an average of three hours of television a day.
That's while being distracted.
People over 55, we watch 6 hours a day.
And we really watch.
So why aren't they programming for us? You know, come on, do these idiots a favor, judge.
Send these network bozos a clue.
Be a leader.
And we can't wait for congress after all, Because, well, they're bozos, too.
These are their minds they're messing with.
We don't even know the long-Term damage.
Now obviously, Short of requiring urinalysis at the s.
A.
T.
S, We can't monitor who is or isn't using, But we can take a stand against the ones Who are brazen about it, Who defend it as acceptable and fair.
Simply put, what margie coggins did Was decidedly unfair.
It's cheating.
Not in keeping with the ideals of harvard.
I got into harvard.
Most don't.
Harvard rejects over 90% of its applicants.
That's 90% of the best high school students.
The rest don't even bother applying.
The problem is, Every parent wants their kid to go to harvard.
Parents push, nudge.
Some kick.
Look at the climate we've created.
And advance-Placement students cheat, Not once or twice, but on a regular basis.
She didn't.
She didn't get the test answers ahead of time.
She didn't copy her neighbor's paper.
She used her own brain.
Yes, she used a prescription stimulant to stay focused and alert.
At least 30% of college students admit to doing the same thing.
Not only are there currently no laws against it, There are currently no rules.
These kids grow up in a pervasive drug culture.
We've got medications not just to treat diseases, But simply to help you do things better, Be it sex, urinating, digesting.
We've got some to boost energy, others to help you sleep.
Better life, More productive life through chemistry.
The drug we're talking about here Is used off label by many to boost brain power.
Personally i've tried medication to help with my asperger's.
Some worked.
They made me feel safer emotionally.
Should i not get that right? Or are drugs for emotions okay, but cognition, no? Or should the rule be for disorder, yes, But enhancement, no? Where do you draw that line? She didn't have a prescription for the ones she took.
True, but many kids do this.
She's no different.
-Except she got caught.
-She didn't get caught.
She was simply honest about it.
Honesty--That's the infraction That's getting her bounced on moral character grounds.
Hypocrisy might be a better word.
What are you doing? I'm giving the bride away, remember? -Oh.
-I'm practicing.
I want to get it right.
And she's gonna make a magnificent bride for the seventh time.
Yeah.
Need something? Denny, the massachusetts supreme court, They said no.
Oh, jeez.
Any appeal? Well, to the u.
S.
Supreme court, But they've already refused to hear this very argument, so so now what? I'm not sure.
We can try to get you into the clinical trials.
-We could go to russia.
-We could.
Or we could go to atlanta.
I hear the russians have kinda taken over georgia, -So we could go to atlanta.
-It's another georgia That the russians have gotten involved with-- Then we'll go to the real russia.
They got magnificent salmon streams And no fish farms.
What a road trip.
Can you imagine you and me on the loose in russia? That would be something.
Go fly-Fishing with putin.
Look him in the eye, see his soul.
Tell him to keep his big, ugly head out of alaskan airspace.
Right after the wedding.
Off to russia.
All right.
I can't solve the brain enhancement debate With one ruling.
But in this case, The plaintiff didn't have a prescription.
What she did was illegal.
I am not ordering harvard to reinstate her.
We're adjourned.
Wh-What do i do now? What's this? Well this would be a-A lecture, i guess.
You said you geared your whole life Toward getting into harvard.
And now you think it's the end of the world That it's this very uber-Super-Comepititive mentality that caused you To take the pills in the first place, margie, and-- Mr.
Espenson, you did get into harvard.
And it changed nothing.
I still popped, purred, hopped.
I was still ridiculed.
Harvard didn't change it.
But i was so sure law school would, Because everybody respects lawyers.
So i studied, studied, made top of my class.
It changed nothing.
But i was positive making partner would.
Well guess what.
None of it can give you self-Acceptance.
For that, you need-- A different ug? Exactly.
And--No.
No! For self-Acceptance, you need to go to a far deeper, perhaps darker, Certainly scarier place.
Your problem, margie, is your priorities.
Harvard isn't going to give you what's most important in life.
Trust me.
At first, i thought this case was like every other case Brought by this ridiculous law firm-- Ridiculous and outrageous.
But i can't ignore, Ageism is one of the last socially condoned bigotries.
And it is rampant in this broadcast network business.
They consider those of us over 50 to be irrelevant.
How is it possible That we are not even a part of the target demo When we watch the most television And spend the most money? My god, there are 87 million of us, And that number will grow by 31 million more by 2020.
Are you really telling me that it doesn't make sense To make television shows that we want to tch? If i am to assume That the industry is not run by a bunch of idiots, Then i can only conclude that it's dominated by prejudice.
The case stands.
Adjourned.
Well, well, well.
Congratulations, catherine.
You know old people have active sex lives, too.
My trailer or yours? you are so beautiful to me you are so beautiful to me Denny.
Oh, hey carl.
Uh, i was, uh just practicing.
I-I want to give her away right.
Listen, i, um i appreciate you being such a well, a great sport about this.
I know that on some level, it-- What?! Oh, my jiminy christmas! Denny! Denny! We're goin' back! We're goin' back! -We're goin' back! -What are you talk-- The case! The case! The case! I just got off the phone with the clerk's office.
-The massachusetts-- -Slow down.
-We're on our way! -R-Russia? -Not russia.
-Atlanta? No, washington! The massachusetts supreme court, On their own initiative, Petitioned the u.
S.
Supreme court.
This time, they agreed to hear it.
Hear what? -Our case! -What?! -We're going back to the supreme court! -When? -Next week.
-Next week? -Next week! -Oh! Supreme court! Supreme court! Supreme court! Sorry, carl.
Don't mean to exclude you.
Supreme court! Supreme court! Supreme court! Supreme court! Working late again? It's a myth the workload drops when you make partner.
Get out while you still can.
Jerry, can i say something? Your comment about you being weaker than i've been thinking about it, and i disagree.
I quite think you might be The bravest person i've ever met.
Why? Just the way you take on your various challenges every day.
There aren't many men like you, jerry.
Thanks.
How about we go for a drink? We had a good day.
We actually lost, come to think of it.
All the more reason.
-Shall we? -As colleagues? Jerry, let's go for a drink.
I'll meet you by the elevator? Do you think the supreme court, When they agreed to take this case, Knew it was us? I don't know.
Maybe they want a rematch.
Ha! You'll kick their asses again.
They'll have to bring in more justices.
I thinkn they're only allowed the nine.
Hey, maybe i'll retire after this.
-Don't be ridiculous.
-Well, what better way to go out? My last case--In front of the supreme court.
Now there's a finale, alan.
They should put it on tv.
We'd get ratings.
If they promoted us, Of course, i think there's a law against promoting us.
Seems to be.
What would you do if you retired, denny, seriously? Fish.
Every day? Not every day.
I'd have sex some days.
Maybe i should invite ruth bader ginsburg To come to nimmo bay with me.
What about me? You can borrow magazines from clarence thomas.
Oh, won't they be so happy to see us again? -The rematch.
-The rematch.
-Grand finale.
-Special 9:00 start time.
I made another decision today.
Which is? I'm not dying.
I like that idea.
I'm gonna get my hands on this drug one way or another.
Hell, this is america.
If we have to, we'll-- Bribe.
Damn right.
And even if i fail, They say if you keep getting excited about life, The blood rushes to your brain better.
I'll love life, alan, Even if it kills me.
I'll fish, i'll be with you.
I'll love life, alan.
And next week, i'll love life in washington In front of the supreme court.
And after that, i'll love it in--In nimmo bay-- -With ruth bader ginsburg.
-She wants me.
I saw that.
Hey, maybe she persuaded them to take this case.
To be closer to you.
Oh, ruthie, ruthie, ruthie.
Here we come.
I don't seem to always get things.
We all know it, we laugh it off, We say, "isn't the mad cow cute?" At what point do we all admit the man needs help? -The firm is going broke? -We may have to shut our doors.
Did i know this and forget? You've been almost like a big sister to me.
If you knew this crazy catherine piper do you think they considered me sane? If only they could know you like i do.
Hello, dear.
May i help you? Yeah, i'm looking for a lawyer.
Uh, yes, i suspected as much.
You're in a law firm.
Uh, what have you done, dear? Well, i, uh, i got into harvard, and then-- A pretty little thing like you? Oh, please.
Who'd we do, sweetheart? Then they rescinded my admission, And now i would like to sue them.
Of course you would.
Um, katie, be a dear and help this young lady.
Uh, katie will help you, dear.
Why don't we go to the conference room? Okey.
Hello.
Who are you? Uh, i'm catherine, honey.
D-- Who are you? Carl sack.
May i help you? I doubt it.
Uh, you strike me as pushy.
May i ask, And i think i may, being, uh, a senior partner, Just wh-What what are you doing here? I work here, dear.
You work here? Yes, dear.
Who hired you? Shirley schmidt did, dear.
She's my older sister.
I think if shirley schmidt had hired you, -She would've told me.
-Really? Does she tell you everything? Did she tell you she went to cabo for the week? She did, And she left me a contact number if you can imagine.
Well, that's lovely.
Did she tell you her calls Were being forwarded to her younger sister? Hello.
Who's calling, please? Is it the pushy man? sync:vine s5e11 Okay, denny, i want you to count backwards By sevens from a hundred.
Why? It's just a test.
Uh, 86.
like the orwell-- Who the hell wrote that? No, no, you were down to W-Whatever.
Continue, please.
Hell of year--'67.
The sox won the pennant.
Jimmy lonborg pitched a 2-Hitter second game, And yaz plunked two out.
Hell of a game.
Who pitched the first game of tt world series? Jose santiago against, uh, bob gibson.
Gibson pitched, uh, three times, won the series.
Who's the best pitcher for the sox this year? Don't tell me.
Uh uh josh pecker.
Hell of a pitcher, pecker.
Who's the best hitter? Uh, that's, uh, that black guy-- Uh, the, um-- Ortiz.
David ortiz.
He's half black, half mexican, half dominican.
Who's the president of the united states? Barack obama.
He's half hawaiian, half kenyan half black and half, Uh, halle berry.
It has progressed.
Last year, we were at stage, Which is basically mild cognitive decline.
Now it's more like stage 4, which is moderate.
Talk to me like i'm in the room, would you? I am.
You remember yesterday very well, But forming new memories is obviously more difficult.
Cut to the punch line.
You're in the early stages of alzheimer's.
We're not talking about precursor's anymore.
It's here.
Academic doping? Yeah.
You find a friend with a prescription For ritalin or adderall, And you pop some pills to help study and stay focused the day of the s.
A.
T.
-And you did this? -Yeah.
It's not illegal.
And how'd you do on the s.
A.
T.
? I got a perfect score.
And i was accepted to harvard which is fairly newsworthy Given i went to your average small-Town public school.
I did an interview with the local paper where i was quoted as saying Ritalin was a godsend when it came to test taking.
And that sparked a whole debate in the comments section-- Is it ethical, is it not-- And the boston papers picked it up, And suddenly i'm in the middle of this controversy That harvard wants no part of, So they rescind my offer of admission.
Well, i believe taking a controlled substance Without a prescription actually is illegal.
No, it's a study aid, Just one step above potent coffee.
So what would you like us to do? Get me reinstated at harvard.
I didn't do anything to deserve this.
I mean, they're singling me out, And now no school will take me.
Where are your parents with all this? Beyond devastated.
It was their dream to see their little girl go to harvard.
I have to fix this.
I screwed it up and i have to fix this.
What are you doing at my desk? Oh.
Oh.
I-I was just straightening up.
That's what assistants do.
You're not my assistant.
Yes, i am, dear.
No, i have an as-- Where is she? -Oh, francine? -Mm.
-I fired her.
-You-- Too pretty, too young-- She's a distraction.
All right, i'm calling security.
Look, honey, you sure you want to make trouble For shirley's sister? -I mean, after all-- -Your name is catherine piper.
You were fired for, among other things, being psychotic.
I also have cancer, dear.
There.
It's out.
I am desperate for a distraction, Anything to occupy myself while I'm sorry.
I didn't come here to indulge you have cancer? Not really, but i could get some if you'd like.
Oh, 9-1-1.
Look, if i could just work here on a temporary-- Oh, sorry.
(The practice's themed music) What's the emergency? How did i'm afraid they said no.
But did you point out I didn't actually violate any policy or-- They're citing honesty, moral character.
Uh, everybody's doing it.
-I realize that, but-- -But you went public, margie.
We can take it to court, But i wouldn't expect to be successful.
Oh, we--We have to try.
I have geared my whole life toward going to harvard.
I just i need to try.
Please.
I don't know, jerry.
You say she didn't have a prescription.
All the kids are doing this, alan-- Geing it without prescriptions.
Well, that's not much of an argument.
You could argue that rescinding her admission is arbitrary Since they have no official policy.
Oh, alan.
Um, hey, jerry.
Alan, there's a drug-- It's called, uh, dimebolin, something like that-- And i want it.
My doctor won't give it to me.
It's from russia.
It stems off alzheimer's.
Denny, slow down.
I can't at the moment.
I've taken a little too much adderall.
Adderall? See? That's what margie takes, that and ritalin.
Ritalin.
I love ritalin.
Denny, what did we agree on regarding your medicines? I would be in charge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but i'm the one with the alzheimer's.
I'll take what i want, and right now, i want dimebolin.
And you've gotta help me get it.
You okay, jerry? Academic doping it has such a stigma to it.
What about emotional doping? What do you mean? That's what i do-- Emotional doping.
I take my little helpers to do you think it reflects poorly On my moral character? No.
What's the difference? Well, your medication is prescribed for one thing.
Mostly.
And second, you have a specific, diagnosed condition, jerry-- Asperger's syndrome.
Three years ago, you couldn't even make eye contact.
I take pills that affect my brain To help me perform better.
Jerry, i'm the first one to say We have an overmedicated society.
We've got 3 year olds on antipsychotics.
People who don't even have high cholesterol take statins.
People take sleep aids when maybe they should just Read a book or masturbate.
I-It's out of control.
But that's not to say that many drugs don't do a lot of good.
They save lives.
People need drugs like insulin or blood pressure medicine To simply maintain their health.
And drugs help some people to live normal, productive lives Who might otherwise not.
You fall into that category.
Popping pills to Get better s.
A.
T.
Scores-- That's something different.
You are not working here, catherine.
That much has been decided.
Well, then what are we doing in your office, Behind closed doors where you could sexually ravage me With no witnesses to say it didn't happen? We're here because i'm told you're a friend of alan's.
And as a courtesy to him and you, I thought i would at least give you An opportunity to explain why you're doing this.
I'm doing it because i'm old And i'm bored.
All my friends are dead.
It's not like i could go skiing Or--Or mountain climbing or honestly, a-Assuming i were qualified to be your assistant, Uh, would you employ somebody my age? Probably not.
I didn't think so.
I got that on tape, dear.
Now i can e you for age discrimination.
Best you keep me on, avoid the controversy.
Get out, catherine.
I didn't cheat.
I took medicine To help my brain function at its highest level.
You didn't have a prescription for the medication.
A dozen faculty members at cambridge university Admit to taking unprescribed adderall To improve their own academic performance, But nobody's expelling them.
They're claiming it shows poor moral character.
And i reject that.
Helicopter pilots take prescription stimulants to stay alert.
Medical interns take drugs for narcolepsy So that they can work all night.
Should we indict all of them as well? All they've done is use a pharmacological tool So that they could do their work more effectively.
Certainly you're aware That harvard has extremely high standards.
Of course.
John f.
Kennedy was a graduate.
As was the unabomber.
-F.
D.
R.
-Hitler's foreign press secretary.
Numerous literary figures-- Emerson, thoreau-- And the cardinal archbishop Who shielded child molesters from prosecution.
For faculty, You had timothy leary and his l.
S.
D.
Experiments-- Ms.
Coggins, do you want to go to harvard or not? Yeah, i do desperately.
My point is harvard's not perfect, But neither am i.
But at every opportunity, I endeavor to be the best possible version of myself.
And that's all i was doing by taking ritalin.
The early trials have been encouraging.
It's in the stage 3 trials now.
I want it.
Well, you can't have it.
Why not? Because it's not f.
D.
A.
Approved.
-This drug is a long way-- -I don't care.
Mr.
Crane, i'm not allowed to prescribe this medication.
And even if i were and did, you still couldn't get it -Since it hasn't been-- -How long before It's available to the public? My guess is at least two years, probably three.
-The f.
D.
A.
Hasn't even analyzed -I-I'll--I'll be dead -The data of the trials-- -In three years.
Where's the drug? Who's got it? Well, pfizer just bought the rights, But nobody can just say, "okay, i'll give it to you.
" It would be illegal to do so Unless you get yourself enrolled in a clinical trial, But i think it's fully booked.
Let's be fair.
It's not just the s.
A.
T.
That gets a person admitted.
Of course not.
Margie, in fact, is also a national merit finalist, Captain of her swim team, class valedictorian.
We get applications From thousands of national merit finalists, Thousands of captains and thousands of valedictorians.
But this one, you offered admission.
Yes, until she admitted she had used brain enhancent drugs.
As do thousands of other students.
Do you have a way to weed all of them Out of your applicant pool? No.
And there's actually no policy at harvard Explicitly forbidding what you term "academic doping," -Is there? -I think in future-- So you intend to enforce future rules against her.
Do you think that's fair? We consider her actions to be immoral, And we reserve our right To make our admissions decisions accordingly.
I've decided not to sue you.
How sweet.
Listen, Th-That part about me being desperate for a distraction, That was true.
It isn't fair, carl.
I have my health A-And my mind is as sharp as--As well, you people come up with all this medicine To--To--To keep us alive, Even thrive, And you don't know what to do with us.
I was thinking if i were to come up With something i could sue for, Something legitimate, And it could make the firm money-- Uh i suppose If you had a legitimate cause of action, Then we would-- Drugs.
Uh, okay, they make them too expensive, -While in canada, you can-- -No.
Inflation.
Uh, our social security payments -Don't keep pace-- -No.
Oh.
Look, some jobs still have a mandatory retirement age.
No.
These are all legitimate.
Catherine, you have to have standing.
It has to directly impact you, Harm you.
Look how insensitive you're being.
Th-This is exactly the problem.
We're just shoved aside as a nuisance.
I can't even watch television shows, for god sake, Because the networks consider me irrelevant.
You'd think they don't program for anybody over 50.
Is it any wonder I'm out knocking over convenience stores? You actually may have something there.
The networks-- They're supposed to serve the public.
Okay, catherine we'll take that case.
Really? I'm over 50 myself and i want something to watch.
How we doing? Fine.
I got a hearing before judge peyton tomorrow.
We'll take our best shot.
Shirley's at the fat farm.
You hear? Why? She's not fat.
You know brides.
They like to get all skinny before the wedding.
It's all about how they look in their dress.
You know the best part of having, uh mad cow? Sometimes not often i think we're still together.
As delusions go, it's one of the better ones.
You gonna be okay, denny, attending her wedding? Yeah.
Well what i'm not okay with is sitting on my ass while my brain rots.
I have a big problem with that, though.
We go before judge peyton in the morning.
Yeah, you told me.
You gonna stay here all night, jerry? It's not even clear Those drugs gave her all that much of an advantage.
She scored 99th percentile on the practice test, Which she took without the drugs.
Jerry, she cheated.
Let's not kid ourselves.
Most kids get a bigger advantage By taking the s.
A.
T.
Prep program.
They actually can boost scores by 150 points.
Those programs are legitimate.
And not affordable to kids like margie.
Let's face it, katie.
The rich have such a leg up in this college racket.
According to one chancellor, in ivy league schools, Poor applicants really only get a shot at 40% of the slots.
The rest are reserved for families of privilege.
But jerry, you cannot be a fan of academic doping.
I'm just saying life isn't an even playing field, And for those who are weaker than meaning you? Jerry, you're not weaker than.
You have asperger's.
You have no idea how afraid i am To leave my apartment.
Every day every morning, I actually wonder, will i get out the door or not? It seems you win that battle every day.
Yeah on drugs.
You can't sue the networks.
The airwaves, judge, are a public trust, at least as far As the broadcast networks are concerned.
-That's why they're regulated.
-It's still a business.
I mean, bungee jumping might be regulated.
Are you saying that those outfits Would have a duty to service the elderly? No, that would be unreasonable.
But to require a broadcaster to program for everybody isn't.
Mr.
Suck.
Sack.
Your honor, there may have been a time When it made practical business sense to exclude the old, But not today.
Americans over 50 make up the fastest growing market.
It's about money, not how many-- Really? Gee.
I would've never guessed that.
The baby boomers, now all over 50, Earn $2 trillion in annual income.
That's trillion.
Madison avenue is after the discretionary spender.
Yes, and people over 50 account for half of that, too.
Choose your statistic.
Go ahead.
I've got you.
We've got more money.
We spend more money.
We watch more television, go to more movies.
We buy more cds than young people do, And yet we're the focus of less than 10% of the advertising.
All the networks want to do is skew younger.
Kid shows for kids.
You know, the only show unafraid to have its stars over 50 is "b"-- Gee, i can't say it.
It would, um, break the wall.
Oh, mr.
Suck.
It's still sack.
I can't tell the networks what shows to make.
No, but yocan order them not to discriminate.
What they're doing intentionally excludes a class of society.
That's bigotry.
You know, we should be able to turn on our damn televisions And see something Other than reality shows aimed at fourth graders, Games shows aimed at those Slightly smarter than fifth graders And scripted shows With dim-Witted, sex-Crazed 20-Somethings Running around in suits or doctor scrubs.
Old people, the ones with intelligence, Don't want to watch that crap.
We're fed up! You know, the networks might think we're dead, but we're not.
We're very much alive with working brains.
Give us something to watch, damn it! You ready, denny? Denny? What's wrong? I must have nodded off.
I was dreaming about shirley.
We were on a bench.
She asked me to marry her.
What a dream.
Were my eyes closed when you came in? Yeah.
You must have nodded off.
You ready? We're due in court.
Mr.
Shore, the supreme court already ruled on this very issue.
No, they didn't, judge.
The supreme court, in fact, refused to rule on it.
They couldn't be bothered to even hear the case.
I'm sure if one of their friends were dying, We would've had a different result.
Oh, come on.
Why can't mr.
Crane take the drug and simply assume All the inherent risks if he so chooses? Because we don't let people take drugs While they're still in the investigative stage, And with good reason.
Think of the potential for abuse.
Potential for abuse? What's the downside? He could die? He's doing that anyway.
No, he isn't.
He could live -A long time with alzheimer's.
-Which could be worse.
And it's possible the disease could take years to progress.
He could have many healthy years while we-- There are all kinds of possibilities and choices.
Why can't they belong to the patient? There is still so much That is still so unknown about dimebolin that-- Yes, and we'll assume all of the risks.
-Do i ever get to speak? -I'd prefer you didn't.
-We're wasting precious time.
-Mr.
Shore, I am a superior court judge.
I have to take my cues from the appellate court.
On this issue, the law is clear.
A patient, even a dying patient, Has no constitutional right to experimental treatment.
Now do i agree with that precedent? No, not really.
So this is what i will do-- I'll certify it to the massachusetts supreme court.
Maybe they can find the authority To give you what you want.
We are adjourned.
So now what? We go to the state supreme court.
There's nine of them.
Let's hope that at least one has a relative Who has an incurable disease.
When was the last time a pretty lady sat ne to you And sucked on your ear lobe? And don't count the number of times You had to pay for it.
How dare you? I'm eating my lunch.
Oh, come on, sweetheart.
Throw an old lady a bone.
You are.
a shocking woman! Look, judge, i know this is--Is ex parte Or some--Whatever, uh, uh, Some latin term that means i can't gum your body parts.
But why don't you just give me something good to watch on tv? I mean, the airwaves are a public trust.
Am i right? Uh, catherine, what are you doing? She's trying to suck on my ear.
That's what she's doing.
-Outrageous! -Catherine, Go inside the courthouse.
I'll meet you there.
Now.
Ahem.
I apologize, judge.
You ask me, Your client already watches too much television.
-Ah.
-And that smutty mouth.
Sex, sex, sex, sex.
That what you watch? Silence! Uh, well, you know, judge, In addition to there being little for us to watch, Most of it stinks, And it's partly this thing's fault.
What are you talking about? Well, a lot of people are on it while they're watching.
They no longer give television their undivided attention.
We're either on the phone Or we're texting or on the internet.
So the producers, they dumb down the plots, Make it easier to keep up with while their viewers multitask.
Really? Kids nowadays watch an average of three hours of television a day.
That's while being distracted.
People over 55, we watch 6 hours a day.
And we really watch.
So why aren't they programming for us? You know, come on, do these idiots a favor, judge.
Send these network bozos a clue.
Be a leader.
And we can't wait for congress after all, Because, well, they're bozos, too.
These are their minds they're messing with.
We don't even know the long-Term damage.
Now obviously, Short of requiring urinalysis at the s.
A.
T.
S, We can't monitor who is or isn't using, But we can take a stand against the ones Who are brazen about it, Who defend it as acceptable and fair.
Simply put, what margie coggins did Was decidedly unfair.
It's cheating.
Not in keeping with the ideals of harvard.
I got into harvard.
Most don't.
Harvard rejects over 90% of its applicants.
That's 90% of the best high school students.
The rest don't even bother applying.
The problem is, Every parent wants their kid to go to harvard.
Parents push, nudge.
Some kick.
Look at the climate we've created.
And advance-Placement students cheat, Not once or twice, but on a regular basis.
She didn't.
She didn't get the test answers ahead of time.
She didn't copy her neighbor's paper.
She used her own brain.
Yes, she used a prescription stimulant to stay focused and alert.
At least 30% of college students admit to doing the same thing.
Not only are there currently no laws against it, There are currently no rules.
These kids grow up in a pervasive drug culture.
We've got medications not just to treat diseases, But simply to help you do things better, Be it sex, urinating, digesting.
We've got some to boost energy, others to help you sleep.
Better life, More productive life through chemistry.
The drug we're talking about here Is used off label by many to boost brain power.
Personally i've tried medication to help with my asperger's.
Some worked.
They made me feel safer emotionally.
Should i not get that right? Or are drugs for emotions okay, but cognition, no? Or should the rule be for disorder, yes, But enhancement, no? Where do you draw that line? She didn't have a prescription for the ones she took.
True, but many kids do this.
She's no different.
-Except she got caught.
-She didn't get caught.
She was simply honest about it.
Honesty--That's the infraction That's getting her bounced on moral character grounds.
Hypocrisy might be a better word.
What are you doing? I'm giving the bride away, remember? -Oh.
-I'm practicing.
I want to get it right.
And she's gonna make a magnificent bride for the seventh time.
Yeah.
Need something? Denny, the massachusetts supreme court, They said no.
Oh, jeez.
Any appeal? Well, to the u.
S.
Supreme court, But they've already refused to hear this very argument, so so now what? I'm not sure.
We can try to get you into the clinical trials.
-We could go to russia.
-We could.
Or we could go to atlanta.
I hear the russians have kinda taken over georgia, -So we could go to atlanta.
-It's another georgia That the russians have gotten involved with-- Then we'll go to the real russia.
They got magnificent salmon streams And no fish farms.
What a road trip.
Can you imagine you and me on the loose in russia? That would be something.
Go fly-Fishing with putin.
Look him in the eye, see his soul.
Tell him to keep his big, ugly head out of alaskan airspace.
Right after the wedding.
Off to russia.
All right.
I can't solve the brain enhancement debate With one ruling.
But in this case, The plaintiff didn't have a prescription.
What she did was illegal.
I am not ordering harvard to reinstate her.
We're adjourned.
Wh-What do i do now? What's this? Well this would be a-A lecture, i guess.
You said you geared your whole life Toward getting into harvard.
And now you think it's the end of the world That it's this very uber-Super-Comepititive mentality that caused you To take the pills in the first place, margie, and-- Mr.
Espenson, you did get into harvard.
And it changed nothing.
I still popped, purred, hopped.
I was still ridiculed.
Harvard didn't change it.
But i was so sure law school would, Because everybody respects lawyers.
So i studied, studied, made top of my class.
It changed nothing.
But i was positive making partner would.
Well guess what.
None of it can give you self-Acceptance.
For that, you need-- A different ug? Exactly.
And--No.
No! For self-Acceptance, you need to go to a far deeper, perhaps darker, Certainly scarier place.
Your problem, margie, is your priorities.
Harvard isn't going to give you what's most important in life.
Trust me.
At first, i thought this case was like every other case Brought by this ridiculous law firm-- Ridiculous and outrageous.
But i can't ignore, Ageism is one of the last socially condoned bigotries.
And it is rampant in this broadcast network business.
They consider those of us over 50 to be irrelevant.
How is it possible That we are not even a part of the target demo When we watch the most television And spend the most money? My god, there are 87 million of us, And that number will grow by 31 million more by 2020.
Are you really telling me that it doesn't make sense To make television shows that we want to tch? If i am to assume That the industry is not run by a bunch of idiots, Then i can only conclude that it's dominated by prejudice.
The case stands.
Adjourned.
Well, well, well.
Congratulations, catherine.
You know old people have active sex lives, too.
My trailer or yours? you are so beautiful to me you are so beautiful to me Denny.
Oh, hey carl.
Uh, i was, uh just practicing.
I-I want to give her away right.
Listen, i, um i appreciate you being such a well, a great sport about this.
I know that on some level, it-- What?! Oh, my jiminy christmas! Denny! Denny! We're goin' back! We're goin' back! -We're goin' back! -What are you talk-- The case! The case! The case! I just got off the phone with the clerk's office.
-The massachusetts-- -Slow down.
-We're on our way! -R-Russia? -Not russia.
-Atlanta? No, washington! The massachusetts supreme court, On their own initiative, Petitioned the u.
S.
Supreme court.
This time, they agreed to hear it.
Hear what? -Our case! -What?! -We're going back to the supreme court! -When? -Next week.
-Next week? -Next week! -Oh! Supreme court! Supreme court! Supreme court! Sorry, carl.
Don't mean to exclude you.
Supreme court! Supreme court! Supreme court! Supreme court! Working late again? It's a myth the workload drops when you make partner.
Get out while you still can.
Jerry, can i say something? Your comment about you being weaker than i've been thinking about it, and i disagree.
I quite think you might be The bravest person i've ever met.
Why? Just the way you take on your various challenges every day.
There aren't many men like you, jerry.
Thanks.
How about we go for a drink? We had a good day.
We actually lost, come to think of it.
All the more reason.
-Shall we? -As colleagues? Jerry, let's go for a drink.
I'll meet you by the elevator? Do you think the supreme court, When they agreed to take this case, Knew it was us? I don't know.
Maybe they want a rematch.
Ha! You'll kick their asses again.
They'll have to bring in more justices.
I thinkn they're only allowed the nine.
Hey, maybe i'll retire after this.
-Don't be ridiculous.
-Well, what better way to go out? My last case--In front of the supreme court.
Now there's a finale, alan.
They should put it on tv.
We'd get ratings.
If they promoted us, Of course, i think there's a law against promoting us.
Seems to be.
What would you do if you retired, denny, seriously? Fish.
Every day? Not every day.
I'd have sex some days.
Maybe i should invite ruth bader ginsburg To come to nimmo bay with me.
What about me? You can borrow magazines from clarence thomas.
Oh, won't they be so happy to see us again? -The rematch.
-The rematch.
-Grand finale.
-Special 9:00 start time.
I made another decision today.
Which is? I'm not dying.
I like that idea.
I'm gonna get my hands on this drug one way or another.
Hell, this is america.
If we have to, we'll-- Bribe.
Damn right.
And even if i fail, They say if you keep getting excited about life, The blood rushes to your brain better.
I'll love life, alan, Even if it kills me.
I'll fish, i'll be with you.
I'll love life, alan.
And next week, i'll love life in washington In front of the supreme court.
And after that, i'll love it in--In nimmo bay-- -With ruth bader ginsburg.
-She wants me.
I saw that.
Hey, maybe she persuaded them to take this case.
To be closer to you.
Oh, ruthie, ruthie, ruthie.
Here we come.