Bottom (1991) s01e02 Episode Script

Gas

Right.
I'll bet another week's worth of washing up.
I'll see your week's washing up and raise you four trips to the launderette, 3p in real money and one cleaning and disinfecting right round the back of the lavatory bowl.
- That's cleaned me out.
- What have you got? Right.
Three pairs! You're only allowed five cards! Shit Two pairs.
Two and a half pairs! Stand up.
- No.
I've got a hernia.
- No, you haven't.
All the excitement gave me one.
Stand up or I WILL give you a hernia! Cards! - Shoes.
- Don't be ridiculous! I saw you put 'em in there! - Underpants.
- Those are my best ones! I'm not angry, but we're playing with a deck of 12 cards.
All right.
Right.
Let's get on with the game.
What have you got? Five kings.
- Damn! You get me every time! - Come here, me little beauties! Let's see what we got.
A signed photo of Sue Carpenter.
A Chinese burn! I think I'll have that now! One day I'll learn the rules - then you'll be for it! - Who can that be? - I'm not expecting anyone.
- Nor am I.
- It must be for someone else, then! - Another game? - You bet! - Which one? - Doesn't matter.
I don't know the rules.
- "One Card Slam" it is.
- Okey-doke.
Twelve quid! Bloody hell! No wonder they shoot each other on those river boats! I can't concentrate! - Answer the door! - I don't have to, mate.
Not for the next six years! All right, I'm coming! All right! Who do you think I am, Speedy Gonzales? That's enough of that! That's my electricity.
I'm not the Aga Khan! Cripes! It's the gas man! Hello, could I just read your meter? HELLO, MR GAS MAN! - Hello.
- You what? Hello, Mr Gas Man! - Hello again.
Could I read? - Mr who? GAS MAN! Do you have someone who looks after you? Could I see them, because I need to read your meter? - Who is it, darling? - IT'S THE GAS MAN! - I think we've established that.
- Don't stay out here, dreamboat.
Show him in.
Thank you.
It's nice and warm in here! I'll just have a look at your meter if I may.
Here's the little fella.
Don't look at that.
It's very boring! I looked at it and fell into a coma! That's where you're wrong.
The ones on this street are very interesting.
Really? Why's that, then? Someone's complained that they're paying too much for their gas.
We've got to check all the meters and make sure everything's OK.
Have you checked next door yet? No, they're next.
That is if I don't knock off before I get to him.
It's quarter to six now, so if it takes me 15 minutes to do this one, I probably won't get to 'em till tomorrow morning.
That's odd! Is there some sort of problem, officer? It's just a strange reading.
What does it say? Nought, nought, nought, nought nought, nought, nought! Yep.
That'd be right.
We don't use gas, do we, Eddie? - I don't even know what it is! - All right, don't spoil it! How do you keep it so warm in here, then? We make love! Not together, you understand? On our own.
That's very interesting.
Takes all sorts, don't it? Right, I think I'll be on my way.
No! - Wait! - What is it? Do you want a cup of tea? Tea? I don't think I will, thank you.
You must drink our tea! It's the best tea in London! Sit down and drink it for 12 minutes.
I'd love some tea, thanks very much.
Right, I'll put the kettle on, then.
- "Put the kettle on?" - Put the kettle on the floor.
We won't be needing that because we don't use gas.
How do we usually make the tea? We usually use the waterfrom the hot tap.
Yeah, that's what we do.
Funny the things you forget, eh? Nice trousers.
They remind me of a story I know.
A long story.
It lasts about 15 minutes.
Once upon a time there was a big forest.
In the middle of the forest, there lived some trousers called Dave.
Come along! We're dying for some refreshing tea! Is your water heated by a gas boiler? Yeah No, it isn't, because we don't use gas because we don't know what it is.
Then why are you using the hot tap? We get the cold water from the hot tap.
That saves wear and tear on the cold tap.
How do you heat water for the tea? We don't.
We have it cold, don't we, Eddie? Yes, that's right.
We have it cold - But your pilot light's on.
- Is it? God, it's caught fire! That was a close one, wasn't it? Here we go, then.
Three mugs of steaming cold tea! Better drink it before it gets warm.
Cheerio, then! This is the best tea in London! Mmm! Mmm, lovely! Come on, Eddie.
You're not drinking yours.
I know.
I'm watching you enjoying yours.
Do your fair share, you bastard! And you! - I don't think I'll bother.
- I drank mine.
It's not fair! - I think I'll be on me way.
- You'll sit down and drink your tea! Come on.
All of it! Now! Thank you very much! Lovely! I'll be on me way, then.
- You can't go! - Why not? - Because I love you! - What? I can't live without you - not for the next eight minutes! - That's it.
I'm off! - Stay where you are, mate! - No.
I'm on me way.
- You're not going anywhere! You're not going anywhere, mate! Mate? Mate? Eddie, you've killed him! I never touched him! But the frying pan did and you touched that.
You killed him.
He was dead before he hit the ground.
Then why did you keep hitting him with the frying pan? For fun.
God! What are we going to do? About 25 years, I think! Rubbish! It was an accident.
He fell over on his way to the door.
And banged himself repeatedly over the head with a frying pan.
You're right We're done for! Wake up, you bastard! - Calm down! - I am calm! ARRGH! YOU BASTARD! Calm down, you hysterical girl's blouse! I'm sorry! OK - God, this is real.
- That's right.
We have to be sensible.
SensibleLet's eat him.
Sorry, stupid idea.
We're not allowed to use the gas.
Maybe he's just stunned.
Why don't you give him the kiss of life? Yeah! No, I will not, you sad pervey! We've got a dead body in the house and you want to sexually assault it! You've always wanted to find out what snogging's really like! All right.
Hold his nose and blow a load of air into his lungs.
That's not very romantic.
No wonder you're still single! - I'll do it.
- He's my bird! Wanna fight about it? - Get on with it! - All right, I am! I'll give him a go with this! Put that in his mouth.
How's he looking? Fatter.
The colour's come back to his cheeks.
Yeah, but it shouldn't be bright purple.
This isn't going to work! Is he related to you? - Hang on, I've had a better idea! - No! No, Eddie, no! Have you no shame? No, it's not natural! I've got to do the washing up in those! - Oh, that's what you're doing! - Right Open his shirt.
I'm just going to undo your zip.
It's nothing sexy! Lie back and relax.
That's what you're doing anyway! I'll do it! Hold these.
Stop dancing! He's not impressed.
Stop messing about! - Phwoar! - Here goes.
It's no good.
He's dead.
- How shall we get rid of the body? - Well I'm still in favour of eating him.
- We could have him cold.
- I don't like the look of him.
We'll stick a picture of Sue Carpenter over his face.
You'll tuck in then! I would! Here you go.
Here we go.
There's so much to choose from! I've got a better idea! We don't have to eat him.
We'll get someone else to eat him for us! Great, he's still open.
Hello, Amal, how's the kebab business? I don't want a conversation about it.
It was just an English pleasantry.
How are you off for meat? Bugger you, then! Damn! His Alsatian got run over this morning so he's all right for meat for the rest of the week! What shall we do with the body? What body? Eddie, that is absolutely pathetic! It's early days.
We've got to flatten it out a bit.
That's not bad, actually! I think we're going to get away with this! I'll pretend to be a policeman.
Hello, hello, hello.
What's that dead body doing under the carpet? I've just had an idea! Why don't we stick him on a bus? The conductor would notice when he didn't pay his fare.
- No.
Let's stick him ON a bus.
- The conductor would notice him! I mean on the roof! You don't get conductors on the roof! That's what makes the plan so flawless! Even if he's found, they won't know where he came from.
Unless they look at his pocket book and see that his last job was here! That's no problem.
A fiver! That should come in handy! Right, then, where are we? Right "No problem with the meter in this flat.
"Don't check for another three "hundred years.
"Nice people, especially the bloke with the glasses "who wasn't holding a frying pan.
- "Nice atmos altogether, really.
" - All right, Dickens.
Get on with it! "Left in high spirits "to indulge in my hobby "of bus surfing.
" Quick! There's one at the lights! One two three Bloody hell, my head! Where am I? What happened? You banged your head on the frying pan Eddie was holding.
Then you tried to throw yourself out of the window.
It's the loony! Let me out of here! You've got no time to go next door now.
Get home to your wife.
- Right I haven't got a wife! - That'll be the amnesia, mate.
I wonder where I live? Agh! You stupid bastard! I knew you'd get us into trouble! - He looked all right to me.
- We nicked next door's gas supply! What time is it now? The big hand is Quarter past six.
We've got till nine o'clock tomorrow morning, which is That's a difficult one, isn't it? There's a five in it.
No Four hours, 27 minutes.
I was about to say that.
We've got four hours and 27 minutes to remove that illegal gas pipeline we connected to next door's mains.
I'll keep him talking.
You go into the kitchen and do the dangerous stuff.
That's a trifle unfair.
Have you got the wrench? No, it's just my underpants are a bit tight.
No, there's no time for merriment.
- We've got to do a job.
- OK.
Let's hasten to the neighbour's.
Shouldn't be any problem.
- He's a nice man.
- True.
- Evening, Mr Rottweiler! - What is it? May we come in? - Bugger off! I've got a bird here! - Here's half a bottle of sherry.
Ta very much.
Anything else? - Who is it, darling? - Them bastards from next door! - I won't be a tick.
- Have you got a real woman in there? - Can we have a look? - Sod off! - Just a peek! - Do you mind if I get my camera? Don't make me angry! Something very special's happened to me.
I'm in love! It's the real thing.
I don't want you two jerks messing things up! If I see either of you again tonight, I'll kill ya! - What?! - You shut my fingers in the door.
Agh! Keep your head down! What? Keep your head down! Pardon? It doesn't matter! What? It doesn't matter! - What doesn't matter? - What I just said! - What did you just say? - It doesn't matter! No, I heard that.
Before that.
- I said keep your head down.
- Oh! I know that! Arsehole! I heard that! - Bloody Nora! - Shut up! They're having it off! I'll be right over! Bloody hell! I told you! You DO do it like that! God! Who'd have thought it? Shove over.
I can't see.
I can only see one nipple! Move over.
- I want to see some more! - Careful! Get one shot.
According to my calculations, Rottweiler's kitchen is here.
We'll make a little hole, you squeeze through, fix the gas and go out the front door.
- What could be simpler than that? - Absolutely nothing! And absolutely nothing can go wrong! Just take out two bricks.
Okey-dokey! - Despair not! - Despair what? Faint heart ne'er won fair maid! You talk an incredible amount of bollocks! Come on! Ssh! - Go to the kitchen.
I'll tidy up in here.
- Okey-dokey! Mind the squeaky board! That one? That's the one.
Me, too! - How are you doing, Eddie? - Very well, thank you.
How much longer are you going to be? Quite a while.
I'll just tidy things up in here.
No, no, no! Time for a bit of work! Sssh! No one would ever know! Richie! Ssh! Richie! Why didn't we just pay our gas bill? - Richie! - Shut up! Ooh, you really made the earth move, you sex monster! Come on! Let's do it some more, you raunchy love handle! You great hunk of zebra! What the bloody hell do you think you're doing? - I thought I'd burn it off.
- What, your face? No, the excess gas.
How long will it take to burn off the North Sea gas reserves? - What do you reckon? - We should go! Okey-dokey.
I'll just get rid of the evidence.
We bloody did it! You and me together, from here to eternity! Hello Up the stairs! In here! - Give me a hand, for Christ's sake! - Just a quick one for the album.
Bloody hell, my kitchen! Help! - Help! Somebody call the Gas Board! - Hello.
I'm from the Gas Board.
Blimey, that was quick! My kitchen's on fire! No wonder your gas bill's so high! - How did this happen? - You tell me.
You're the expert! - Where are the other two? - What? The two loonies from next door were here.
- Here, in my flat?! - Aye! As large as life! Urrrgh! There we are.
The last brick.
Safe at last! I never thought we'd get away with it! Put it right there, old pal! No, I will not! Brains, Eddie.
Brains over brawn! We won't see Rottweiler for a bit!