Bottom (1991) s01e05 Episode Script

's Up

# Land of hope and glory # Something, something else # Land of hope and glor glor # glory That is where I live! # Land of hope and glory # - Morning! What a lovely day! God, I love Sundays! Sunday papers, a stroll in the park, church, and back home for a nice big joint of good old English beef.
Strawberries and cream, a spot of tennis, and a smile in the heart of every true Englishman! Morning, vicar.
Lovely day!Charming! Somebody got out of bed the wrong side this morning! He got out of the WOMB the wrong side! The same to you with brass knobs on, you steaming great twat! I feel great! The English summertime! Gets you right there, doesn't it, Eddie? Eddie? Eddie? Have you ever seen such glorious sunshine? Close the curtain.
I'm trying to watch TV.
Don't be like that.
We should be out there playing cricket! Come on.
It's Sunday.
It's a day of rest! Absolutely nothing to do for 24 hours! It's a bit like every other day, then.
Come on, Eddie.
We can't sit around watching videos all day.
The bluebirds are singing Close the curtain.
This is the exciting bit! - NOW! - Right.
OK.
- Well, this is great, isn't it - Yes.
It's just dandy.
I cooked you a breakfast.
I can't find it now! I'll have to get the torch out.
Breakfast! - Where are you, breakfast? - What is it? It's your favourite.
I cooked you your # Da-da-da # Sunday fish finger! I don't like fish fingers.
You don't, do you? I make that mistake every Sunday! Never mind.
I'll eat yours for you.
Mmm! Who's that anyway? That's Mother Bear.
I thought she was I thought she was dead.
No, that's Mr Rabbit.
He's not dead.
He's just asleep in the dingly dell.
That's how he's missed his birthday tea and why they're all out looking for him.
It's not very sexy, is it? No.
I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
I think this is for kids, Eddie! I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again! What else did you get? "Big Jugs"! - Ha, ha, ha! - "Big Jugs"! All right! "A history of pottery in the 19th century"! - Anything else? - This one's a sure buy.
"Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam"! Yabba-dabba-doo! It's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam-making"! It must be dirty.
It says "Swedish"! What a disaster! That's my Sunday ruined! I spent an hour choosing them.
What a swizz! Let's stick with "The Furry Honeypot Adventure".
It might perk up in a minute.
There's that rabbit again.
We should be on for a bit of action.
He's a rabbit, for Christ's sake! There he goes into the house, and there's Mrs Bear! Go on, my son! He's creeping up behind her.
He's gonna surprise her.
And here come all the little baby bears.
They're all singing "Happy Birthday" and having a bit of a dance.
It's not gonna get very dirty, is it? No.
You can sort of tell that, can't you, by the way it says, "The End"?! I'm bloody sick, I don't mind telling you! I'm glad they weren't dirty.
As a Christian, I couldn't look myself in the face whilst watching a dirty video.
It's Sunday, for Christ's sake for heaven's for goodness' sake! Are the masses all in church? No, they're in the vid shop, looking for "Pervy Nights in Bangkok"! There's plenty of wailing going on, but it's not happening in church! When did you last go to church? I don't have to go.
I'm Church of England.
What are you? - I don't know.
- What was your mother? A wrestler.
That's enough general knowledge for one day.
Go away! - Hello, gentlemen.
- Mr Harrison, hello.
Sorry about the rent.
The Krugerrand's just crashed, and we can't get the junk bonds out of Liechtenstein yet.
That was a close one! - This is intolerable! - I'm not here for the rent! Great! Sit down.
Eddie, a cup of tea! Yes, please! I'm in a dreadful fix.
I forgot about my stupid mother's bloody funeral! - Is she dead? - Hope so.
Bloody coffin cost me 200 quid.
Cow! I've got to go.
Can you run the shop for me? I have to confess to being frankly really rather shocked.
Me run a shop?! On a Sunday of all things? Absolutely not! - 50 quid.
- You're on.
- I'll show you the ropes.
- I don't do lifting.
- Show him the ropes.
Show me the till.
- No, no, no! Show me the drinks cabinet and the sign that says "Closed"! I don't know why they don't just stick 'em in a bin! Have you got a white coat so that everyone knows I'm the shopkeeper? Yeah.
Here you are, and here's one for you, Eddie.
No, no! Haven't you got a brown one for him? - Of course I haven't! - Or a badge that says "Assistant"? What are you talking about? - I'm in a hurry! - All right.
Put your jacket on back to front or something.
Piss off! Don't kick up a stink.
There is an upstairs-downstairs thing to shopping which the shopper needs to feel reassured about.
All right.
There! Now everybody knows who everybody is! Everybody happy now? There's £30 in change in the till.
Just sign there.
I'd better be off.
£200 for a coffin, then they set fire to the bastard! - This is a bit of all right! - Yeah.
Shame there's no videos.
It's a very dignified thing being a shopkeeper.
There's power, integrity, snazzy coat Yeah Yeah Morning.
Morning.
Morning, your Lordship.
Yes, plenty of gravy mix.
You help yourself.
I'll put it on the slate.
Oi! What do you think you're doing? Shoplifting, eh, sonny? Eh? Eh? EH? Haven't you got enough money? So you thought you'd take it out on me just because I earn so much money! Spurt! Spurt! Spurt! Only kidding, little kiddy! Take your Jaffa Cakes and run along! Off you go.
Oh, God, why did you make me so nice? Has he gone? Right.
I want to report a theft.
It was little Johnny Cartwright from the flats.
Nail the sucker.
Bust his ass! I want him doing twenty to ten in the pen! What do you mean no evidence? What about the goddamn Jaffa Cakes, asswipe? Yeah? Bullshit! Bullshit! I'm gonna get Mayor Dooley to What's the matter? Are you mad? Do you want some of this? Do you? 'Cause you're gonna get it, you old git! You're gonna get this right in your face! That's right - run! Just like you did at Goose Green, Argie! Morning.
British shopkeeping, Eddie.
Best in the world! Yes, yes Tuna.
Good.
We're a nation of shopkeepers, you know.
Oh, yes.
That's what makes us so great.
They don't call it "Great Luxembourg" or "Great France".
What's so great about a nation of shopkeepers? What's so great about a nation of shopkeepers? Yeah.
What's so great about it? It makes us superior because we know how to run a corner shop! It only takes an ounce of brain power to see that! Suits you perfectly, then.
I don't understand that.
The whole cast of "Brookside" are lesbians! British journalism, Eddie.
Best in the world! Bloody Nora! Neil Kinnock's grandparents were homosexual Martians! Lucky I read that.
I was gonna vote Labour! Another great British scoop.
The "Amsterdam Evening News" couldn't dig up something like that.
Frogs! Hell's teeth! You can get Aids from bicycling! I know.
Isn't it funny that you only read that in a British newspaper? Well, you don't read French or Italian papers.
Well, I don't speak French or Italian! Hold together a cogent argument, why don't you? Here we go.
Holidays in the Algarve Look at this! No electricity, no running water, and 1500 quid a month.
People pay for this! South of France We bloody invented it.
George III was the one.
All that swimming business.
And the windbreak.
Who invented that? The Brits! Never mind covering yourself in Mazola and lying around with string up your crack.
No, quick dip in the briny, dig up a lugworm, and in the car before you get pneumonia.
That's good enough for me.
Look at this! 38 quid, return coach trip to Nice.
Nude beach! Excuse me.
I didn't get my paper this morning.
So? It's not my problem.
You should be more careful.
It wasn't delivered.
I get it.
Trying to get a free paper, are we? Spend all morning doing that and you could open up a paper shop! I don't know what your game is, but I didn't get my paper delivered.
I have the "Mail on Sunday", so if I could take one, please - That's the last copy.
- OK.
- I'm reading that! - Yeah, but it's mine.
- It's got my name on it.
- That's your name? 55p Mr 55p! No, my name is Cooper.
It's written in biro in the corner.
All right, Mr Cooper.
- There's your paper.
Good morning! - Where's the rest of it? What do you mean, "Where's the rest of it"? - I want the rest of my paper.
- Then, ask for it nicely! - See ya, Eddie.
- Yeah, bye, John.
Thug! British thugs, Richie.
Best in the world! Damn! We need the particulars for that nudey beach trip! Well, there is a nudey beach in Brighton, you know.
It's £12.
69 exactly on the InterCity Saver, and the nipples are bigger.
It's the cold wind.
They've got telescopes that you put 20 pence in.
It's very discreet! Let's go! No, we've got to run the shop.
That's what makes us British, you see? The average Frog would be polishing up his zoom lens and sticking garlic up his bum.
Not us! - Well, not you, maybe.
- Stand firm! Where were you at Agincourt? I stayed on the bus, remember, with Ethel Cardew.
I wasn't talking about that.
- That's why you don't like France! - I don't want to hear this.
You don't like France 'cause you've only ever had one bird, and I shagged her on the Christmas Club coach trip to Bruges! - Eddie, she was my fiancée.
- Well, she didn't know that.
I was going to propose to her, but I wanted to make it romantic.
That's why I took her on a cultural tour of the battlefields of the Low Countries.
- But I decided to come along.
- Yes.
I showed her the low countries, all right I showed her the nether regions! They came at Bruges, they came at Agincourt! Talk about "The Battle of the Bulge"! I shouldn't have been car sick over her.
It's all go, isn't it? Good morning to you, sir.
How may I assist you on this merry day? Good morning.
Now, assistant, what I'd like this fine morning Excuse me.
Hang on.
Let's get one thing clear, shall we? I am not an assistant.
- I am a shopkeeper.
- Is there a difference? I've got a white coat on, he's got a jacket on back to front! That's just the tip of the iceberg, so show a bit of respect! - What would you like? - The champagne, please.
- Are you 18? - No, I'm 54.
- Three bottles.
- Are you an alcoholic? - It's my daughter's birthday! - He's going to drink all this champagne! There's modern parenthood for you! What are you doing with that? This is a chequebook.
This card only guarantees you for £50, and I'm afraid these items cost more than £50, so you'll have to A cheque will do nicely.
- Make it out to "Eddie Hitler".
- Hitler! Any relation? Yes.
So this is you, is it? This sort of squiggle is you? A modern artist, are you I am a doctor.
Now bugger orf! That's witty Took you five years at medical school to learn that, did it? On my money, let's not forget! Bloody students! Why don't you just go and live in Russia? Get out of my shop! Bugger out of it! On your bicycle! Good grief, Eddie.
Sometimes, I think there's only you and me left! Eddie.
Eddie? Eddie! Eddie, what do you think you're doing? - I am going to watch some cricket.
- What about the shop? I've had it with that shop assistant lark.
I resign! You won't get any money, you know! I've already got a cheque for 53 quid.
- You bastard! - Yep, that's me.
You're not going to get away with this, you miner! This is Britain! You're not allowed to go on strike any more.
It's illegal! And don't forget, I'm a mason! I've only got to nod to Scotland Yard and they'll be in with the tear gas before you can say, "Vote Labour"! - What are you doing? - You are gonna watch the cricket, too.
I am not! I have social responsibilities! See this little old lady! We shall not fail her! See her walking! See her enormous son walking next to her.
She's the one I threatened earlier.
See his mighty tattoos! - I think he's gonna whack me! - That's the one.
You were right! Maybe watching the cricket will be a bit safer.
- What's the plan? - Well We sit up on the roof, watching the cricket and having a picnic.
Someone comes into the shop, the bell rings, we come down and serve them.
Smashing.
Let's go.
Righto, young sonny Jim, old fellow me lad, me old pal from the briny, let's fill up the picnic hamper! Here he comes Here he comes And he's out! Hang on, he's back in again.
She's closed the curtains! - How's the cricket going? - Well it still hasn't started.
Those stumps are very big, aren't they? Let's have a look.
That's the rugby ground.
Cricket's over there.
Oh, yes! Hmm What's going on? - They've broken for lunch.
- Why is there mayonnaise on your face? It's suntan lotion! Never heard of low calorie suntan lotion before.
Oh, no! Blast! Where's the suntan lotion, then? You squirted it into your cheese roll.
- But I ate that! - I know! - Why didn't you tell me? - Because I don't like you.
Now I know you're joking me! This is the life, isn't it? I should have been a farmer.
I really am an earth child.
I know the deep movement.
The only deep movement you know is when you've had a curry! I am part Red Indian, you know! That'll be the curry again.
I am.
Cherokee! I can even tell when it's going to rain.
How do you do that? I sort of look up mystically.
Check out the sky.
If I see any black clouds, "That's it!" I think, "Rain.
" What was your Red Indian name, then? "Running Mouth"? "Sitting Down"? "Talking Bollocks"? "Dances with the Wind.
" That'll be the curry again.
I advise you to take me seriously, or I might make it rain! That'd be good.
Go on, then, "Breezy Trousers", or whatever your name is.
- Make it rain! - You don't dabble with the deep forces.
There's not a cloud in the sky.
I'll give you 25 quid if you can make it rain.
You're on! I shall need a tomahawk.
This'll do.
That's good, actually.
This may not work properly.
I'm used to working in moccasins.
Right.
Put up your brolly, this is gonna be a big one.
Huh-ya! Jesus, ooh! Om-balla pappior! Om-balla pappior! Oompah! Rain! It worked! Look, Eddie! Ugh! Bloody hell! - I must have used the wrong chant! - What will you do now? Bring down a typhoon of buffalo dung? - Watch it or I'll invoke the Big Spirit! - Pull the other one.
It's got bells on! How did you do that? Mystical forces, Eddie! Mystical forces! Rubbish! It's the shop.
We've got a customer.
- Careful with that step.
- What step? Agh! Eddie, I've got a lovely chair for you! Eddie? Maybe he's not coming up.
Eddie! I'm stuck on the roof, Eddie! I can't open it from out here! Mayday! Mayday! - Are you OK, Richie? - I think I've broken my nose.
You'd better have a sit down.
Thanks, mate.
Oh, my back! You're lucky.
You should see what happened downstairs! Why? Who was it? There was no one there - just a bloke lying in the doorway with a bell in the back of his head.
- Did you put the bell back up? - Yes.
- Another customer.
Your turn.
- Be an angel, Eddie.
I've hurt my face and broken my back.
I can't handle three flights.
Three quid.
- £2.
50.
- Six quid! You're on! It doesn't do to haggle with Eddie too long! Eddie, be careful with that step.
Right.
Agh! Tie the string here Careful I need some bait.
What does Eddie like best? A pickled onion sandwich! Eddie! I've made your favourite - a pickled onion sandwich! I hide here, Eddie sees the sandwich, says,"Pickled onion sandwich - my favourite!" I pull the string.
Whack! Eddie gets the trapdoor in the back of the head! Nothing can go wrong! Great! A pickled onion sandwich-my favourite! Get a load of this, you bastard! Got you now! You let the trapdoor shut! - We're stuck on the roof now! - How's that my fault? - Your head was supposed to stop it! - I didn't know that.
It was a surprise.
It was a joke.
- That would have hurt, wouldn't it? - That's what was so funny! Don't you dare! Another customer.
- But we're stuck on the roof! - What about the fire escape? It collapsed when Tubs Lardy went on it for a bet.
I remember.
Shocking mess.
That dustbin's still flat! You can still hear the cat when you shake it.
What about this customer? Perhaps you should tell him some bald-headed loony tune has trapped us on the roof, - so we're not serving him today.
- That won't work.
- Why not? - He's lying unconscious with a bell in the back of his head.
Hang on.
Someone's coming to help him.
No, they're just nicking his wallet.
- Have they got his wedding ring? - Not yet.
- Let's get down there! - We cannot get off the roof.
There must be some way! Couldn't we make a parachute out of your trousers? We'd get an aircraft hangar out of yours! Don't you call me "Mr Wobbly Bottom", young lad! And why not, "Mr Two Planets Colliding in a Pair of Pants"? Every time you bend over, it's like watching two zeppelins having it off! This is no time to discuss the vastness of your bottom.
We have to get off the roof, you madman! They're looting the shop! Put those Frosties back immediately! Bring back that Dream Topping! I'm writing all this down.
I know who you are! You'll all be for the high jump! That's it - jump! Why don't you jump? Go on.
It's only you! You'd be doing a service.
You might get a George Cross! - I might get two broken legs.
- The drainpipe! It's staring us right in the face! - You go on, mate! - Why don't you go? I've got mayonnaise all over my face.
What will they think? Bring those shelves back! It's getting serious! This is going to cost us a fortune! - Money? - We'll have to pay for this.
Right.
I'm on my way.
Agh! I forgot about the string! - What string? - The string that holds everything onto Agh! Eddie, are you all right? Is the car? That's it.
Now fight off all the looters! Get the big one with the tattoos.
No, you're supposed to hit HIM! Come inside and lock the doors and get me off this bloody roof! AND STAY OUT! I'm coming, Richie! I'm not coming up here again! I'll just remember the old maxim, "If you want to have a good time, forget it!" Ta-da!