Boy Meets World s04e05 Episode Script
Shallow Boy
* I dreamed a day like this * When children laugh and play like this * And the sun shines just for me * And I feel good Make it stop.
* And the sun shines just for me * And I feel good * A handsome passerby tosses me a $20 bill Whoa.
* And the sun shines just for me * And I feel good Close the door, will ya? Will ya please close it? Aw, what's the matter, Dad, a little too perky for you out there this morning? * It's a lollipop day * A jolly, wolly molly, dolly * Nobody's comin' in here.
She's scarin' all the customers away.
Would you rather have the smelly old guy who used to spit on people? Yeah, yeah, get him.
Get him and get rid of her.
Me? Why me? Because we're equal partners in this business, and I'm your father, and you do what I tell you to do.
Well, as long as I know the rules.
* Feel the warmth Can you feel it? * Can you feel it? It's warm * It's warm and I feel good Excuse me, miss.
I'm really sorry, but * And the sun shines just for me * And I feel good * And I feel good So, it's done? Of course it's not done.
I mean, don't you know me at all? Why would you send me to do something like that? She smiled at you.
All right, look.
Take her to lunch, and ask her to take her act further down the road.
Can you handle that? Ha! Can I handle that? Yeah, I can handle that.
Or fail to do so.
But I'm gonna need some money.
So can you give me some 'cause I gave her all of mine.
And as this will be the last presidential election in which you do not cast a ballot, I want this classroom to be an open forum to discuss the issues which most concern your lives.
Mr.
Hunter, what issue most concerns your life? The swimsuit issue.
How am I doin'? Boffo, Mr.
Hunter.
Mr.
Matthews? Ah, yes.
Actually, there is a pressing social matter which I feel equipped to discuss with confidence and alacrity.
Oh, well, then you have the floor, Mr.
Matthews.
Nah, that used me up.
Save us, Miss Lawrence.
Well, first of all, I'd just like to say that I think Cory's really cute for tryin'.
Oh, thank you, sugar.
And that I think the biggest crisis facing this country is the breakdown of the American family.
Oh, you always gotta go after Shawn.
Well, I just think that lots of other issues, like crime and the decline in education Hey, hey, lay off me.
all have to do with how we're brought up in our homes.
Well, now, I agree with you, Miss Lawrence.
That's it.
Mr.
Hunter Oh, that's it.
Shawn, you're not really upset, are you? What, that I'm personally responsible for the breakdown of American society? Nah, I got bigger problems.
I know.
I got problems, too.
I mean, Topanga and I were supposed to go out tonight, but it's not happening.
Well, that's good.
Now we got ourselves a rare guy's night out.
You and me.
Two guys catchin' up.
All right, I'm into that.
The boys together again.
So, it's a pretty lucky thing Topanga's babysitting tonight, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have a girlfriend who's babysitting? Yeah, late into the night, so burgers or a movie? Cory, there's no burger.
There's no movie.
There's just you and your girlfriend in a stranger's house.
No interruptions, alone on a couch.
Ah.
Ah.
Cory Matthews, a parent's worst nightmare.
Lock up your daughters.
The hormones will be a-flyin' tonight.
You believe me? No, but you're very sweet.
* I got interested in music * When I saw my first Broadway show * Corinna, Corinna, talk.
Use your words.
It's okay just to talk.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I saw Annie.
And when that little girl sang The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow, I felt like she was talking to me.
Did she maybe mention that you should write something with a little more edge? You sound just like my uncle with the record company.
Oh, you have a record deal? Not yet.
Uncle David says I don't have enough edge.
He seems to think I don't have enough life experience yet.
Man, that must've really put you in a bad mood, brought you down, put you in a dark place? You have no idea what I'm talkin' about, do you? No.
I mean, I just did what I always do, I put my feelings in a song.
* Thank you, Uncle David * For listening to my songs * And only taking two calls * And I'll try to be more edgy * But I can't right now 'cause I'm lookin' at a * Dandelion * Dandelion Now, Topanga, Billy's bedtime is And the emergency numbers are Posted next to the telephone.
And No boys.
And No boys at all.
Water guy.
Don't worry, he's not staying.
I know your rules.
No boys.
What are you doing here? Oh, Topanga, when I said no boys, I didn't mean this kind of boy.
This is Amy and Alan's little boy.
Mmm-hmm.
Um.
Amy and Alan's dangerous little boy.
We're all dangerous in the beginning.
We'll be out late.
If you two get dozy, just take a little nap on the couch.
Very comfortable couch.
Lie down on it, you'll think you're dead.
It's wonderful.
I'm glad you came over, dangerous boy.
Why don't you get all dangerous on the couch, and I'll get us something to eat.
Okay.
All right, all right.
Cozy couch, empty house, dangerous guy Everything is working out according to plan.
What could possibly go wrong? Can I help you with something? You're Morgan's brother.
Uh-huh, and aren't you supposed to be in bed? I got a Nintendo Well, why are we down here? Billy, what are you doing up? He's got 64-bits.
Well, he's got 9:00 bed.
Oh, Topanga, let him have five minutes.
I really wanna play.
Listen, Billy, your parents have entrusted me with your care, and I am obligated to follow the rules as they have clearly laid out.
What were you doing? I love you? Get to bed right now.
Can't I watch TV? Sure.
No.
Cory! No.
Billy, what were you thinking? But it's the Friday night lineup.
Ooh, the Friday night lineup.
What does that have to do with anything? The Friday night lineup, it's only the best shows on TV.
I mean, you walk into school Monday morning, and you didn't see the Friday night lineup, forget it.
You got nothin' to say.
Don't take that away from me.
I cannot believe you are undermining my authority.
I am this child's babysitter, and I take my responsibilities very seriously.
What were you doing? I love you? Ha.
What, you think this is funny? No, Mistress Topanga.
I think it's the opposite of funny.
I think it's wood.
At least let me watch my favorite show.
It's on right now.
But it's 9:30.
I know you don't stay up past 9:00.
It used to be on at 8:30, but this year, they moved it to 9:30.
Those idiots.
Wait a minute.
They moved that show to 9:30.
Why? No one knows.
Well, was it doing badly at 8:30? No.
Why didn't they leave it alone? They're trying to kill it.
They're trying to kill it.
Those are bad, bad people.
Cory, we have to have a little talk.
Right after the show, honey.
There will be no show.
Get to bed.
Well, that was nicely done.
Now it's just you and dangerous me on a cozy couch.
You're going home.
Well, then it's just you.
What fun could that be? You have no idea what this is about, do you? Yes, I do, and it happens to be a very important issue, not just to me and you, but to all men and women in relationships, both here and abroad.
You have no idea what this is about, do you? Oh, do I ever? Hey, Cory, you're missin' a real funny one.
The curly-headed kid keeps on digging himself in deeper and deeper.
Love that kid.
He is such a doof.
I mean, I don't know what Uncle David could've possibly meant by life experience.
I'm 18 years old.
I've been to Sleep Away Camp.
I even got on the wrong bus once.
I had a goldfish who died.
Suicide, was it? Oh, you.
Hey * Oh, you * Oh, you * I'm glad I know you * And I'm glad you know me, too * We'll never get the flu * And go a-choo-choo-choo * Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Like, shh! Check.
Shh.
Check.
Is there something wrong? No.
No.
No, nothing's wrong.
I was just, um I was just looking around, and I noticed all these people were Were watching you and listening to your song, and I was afraid they were gonna steal it, and I don't know, go sell it to Andrew Lloyd Webber, who would then write a three-hour musical about your dead goldfish.
Would he call it "Goldie"? No.
He'd call it Check! "Check," he would call it.
You know, when I got up this morning, I had no idea that before the day was over, I'd meet someone I was gonna spend the rest of my life with and all our lives to come.
Okay, Corinna Um, I don't know how to say this, so I'm gonna choose my words very carefully.
I think you're a psycho.
I wanna get as far away from you as I possibly can.
What? Well, I'm just not the guy for you.
I mean, you need a guy who's Who's happy and perky all the time.
You know, maybe a guy who's had part of his brain removed, and he thinks he's a bunny.
And you guys can go off and be bunnies together.
Check! For the love of God, will someone please bring me a check! You don't wanna see me anymore, do you? Oh, see, it's not just that.
I wanna put you on a rocket ship and send you to the planet Flaflooga.
This has never happened to me before.
That's a minor chord.
* I would've given you my heart * I would've given up who I am * But you trampled on my soul * 'Cause you don't understand * You're shallow * You're shallow * You're shallow * Look at that shallow boy * Topanga, the lunch bell sounded, and I thought maybe you and I could grab a bite-ski at this charming little place I know called the cafeteria.
What would be the point, Cory? Well, first, I'm gonna take a step back, and then I'm gonna tell you.
There are three points.
I'm hungry, you're my girlfriend, and it's Taco Bar Tuesday.
You would feed tacos to our child? Our wha You and I are gonna have a child Wait a minute.
We've only kissed.
I mean, I knew I was a good kisser, but, wow.
Our future child.
The one we'd have if we got married.
Oh, that kid.
Would I feed him tacos? Yeah.
Four for 99 cents.
He's gonna be taco crazy.
You're not getting that I'm really upset with you.
Oh, no, my precious peach.
I had that right away.
Do you know why I'm upset with you? Yes.
Me, something I've done or haven't done or did do, but didn't do properly.
Now, with that said, taco.
You let Billy stay up last Friday night.
You'd rather be pals with our kids than a strong, responsible role model.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
And yet, if I may, at the risk of being argumentative, we don't have any kids.
And we're not gonna.
You know why? 'Cause we're just kissin'? Because I believe that a family falls apart if there are not strong, authoritative role models at home.
Topanga, it wasn't our home.
It wasn't our kid.
Now, I'm sure what you're saying probably makes a lot of sense, but right now, my blood sugar level's dropping, and all I want's a little taco.
Well, if that taco is more important to you than our child, then this family has dysfunction written all over it.
Hey, Cor, taco? I don't think I'm supposed to have one.
Eric, you know how you got this great new job with Dad, and your life's finally beginning to come together? Yeah? That's over.
Why? CD player.
You got one? Yeah, under the counter.
Let me pull out the Sounds of the Sleeping Sled Dogs.
We were walkin' by Varsity Records, and we saw them putting these in the window.
Hey, this looks just like Corinna.
Yeah, ain't that a hoot? Wait, she put out a record? How'd she do that so fast? "Uncle David's Records and Tapes.
" Oh.
"Adult advisory.
Lyrics not suitable for children"? I wonder why.
* You're shallow * You're shallow * Shallow * Look at that shallow boy * Wow, she sounds really angry.
That was the ballad.
Come on, I mean, there's two billion people in the world.
She could be angry about anything.
This could be about anybody.
Track number two.
"Eric Matthews, you're so vain, "you probably didn't know the song before this was about you.
" All signs point to you.
All right, fine.
But, I mean, this is just a vanity CD.
You know, this is something her uncle put together in a booth somewhere.
It's not like anybody's ever gonna hear this.
You're tuned in to FM-109.
Well, if you thought Alanis held a grudge, you ain't heard nothin' yet.
Her name is Corinna, and she's real angry at some pitiful creep named Eric Matthews.
This one ought to be on the charts for 20 years.
I'm famous.
Hi, honey.
It's so good to see you studying.
Oh, boy, suddenly, I have no legs.
No, no, it's not what you're thinking, Miss Dirty Mind.
It's research.
Research? Why? Well, because one day, Topanga's gonna be a mother, and I'm gonna be the father or the uncle, or the way I'm goin', the guy down the street with the binoculars, but I just wanna be ready for whatever it is I'm gonna be.
Why, that's good, Cory, but mostly, you learn from experience.
I mean, your dad and I weren't prepared in advance, but we did the best we could, and we ended up raising three wonderful, well-adjusted children.
Hey, now I'm a maladjusted, woman-hating loser freak.
Okay.
Two.
Corinna came out with a new song, huh? * He's a loser freak loser freak * He's a maladjusted loser freak * He's a woman-hatin' maladjusted loser freak I can't believe you're my brother.
Ew! * He's a loser freak loser freak This is a very difficult situation here.
I mean, Corinna's a very sweet girl with a great artistic spirit.
It'd just be wrong to crush that.
* And he doesn't like girls * 'Cause he's afraid of them * Afraid of them * I think he likes boys * If you know what I'm sayin' * Okay, this chick is toast.
Ah, Eric.
Hey, you remember that girl who was playing guitar in front of our store? No.
Well, she's lookin' for you.
She gave me this.
Ah, she wants to meet me later.
I bet she wants to apologize.
I'm surprised you had the guts to show up.
I'm surprised you're out when the sun is up.
Mysterious vampire references from a pseudo-angry man.
Uh, what are you doin' there? Oh, I just write things down from time to time.
So, uh, why else don't ya like me? 'Cause you're makin' my life miserable.
I just want you to cut it out.
Hmm.
Meow-meow came the sound from the whining cat.
What else you got? Nope, that's it.
I've said my piece.
No, no, no, I know you've got lots of anger.
I mean, go ahead, yell at me, dump me, make me feel bad.
Wait a minute.
What? You're out of material, aren't you? I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Yeah.
That's why you had to see me today.
No, it isn't.
Yeah.
Uncle Dave needs some more angry songs, and you don't have 'em.
I have 'em.
I have lots of 'em.
I'm a very dark and edgy girl.
Mmm-hmm.
Maybe to the rest of the world.
But you know what I see when I look at ya? Dandelions.
What? Mmm-hmm.
Pretty dandelions and flowers on a sunny day.
No, I don't wanna look at the dandelions.
I'll lose my edge.
Come on, Corinna, I know your true self.
No, I'm a troubled, twisted soul.
You know nothing about me.
* The sun'll come out Don't do that.
* Tomorrow * Bet your bottom dollar that When? * Tomorrow * There'll be What? * Sun * Just thinkin' about tomorrow * Clears away the cobwebs and the so Eric, are you leaving me? * Tomorrow * Tomorrow * Tomorrow * I love ya, tomorrow * You're only a day * Away "So that night, the purple duck taught all his little friends "to go to bed early, to eat our green vegetables, "and that there's no reason to be afraid of the potty.
The end.
" The little purple duck is quite the overachiever, isn't he? Well, that's somethin' for you to think about while you go to sleep.
Now, go brush your teeth.
Billy Epperson said at his house, you let him stay up late and watch TV.
Morgan, have we learned nothing from the purple duck? You're just making me go to bed because I'm your sister.
No, no, I'm making you go to bed because I'm your brother, and I love you.
So, go to bed.
How long have you been here? Just walked in.
Did you come over to yell at me some more? No.
I heard you were babysitting, so I brought you some tacos.
Is this a trap? I just figured empty house, cozy couch, dangerous me and maybe you.
Okay, but before I lower my shields here, what exactly made you change your mind? I got to thinking about what you said about us being young and not having kids for a while, and my guess is that by the time we do, you'll be a pretty good dad.
You know, my guess is I will be, too.
You know why? Because kids respect me.
They do.
They sort of think of me as Mr.
Discipline.
So, we won't have kids.
And now we've got the latest single by that angry young lady, Corinna Collins, who's taken the country by storm.
I haven't heard this one yet.
It's called Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuv? * At the little house down from the dandelion puddle * Is a cute, sweet boy I sure wanna cuddle * RADIO Wow, that's bad.
She's over.
* And the sun shines just for me * And I feel good * A handsome passerby tosses me a $20 bill Whoa.
* And the sun shines just for me * And I feel good Close the door, will ya? Will ya please close it? Aw, what's the matter, Dad, a little too perky for you out there this morning? * It's a lollipop day * A jolly, wolly molly, dolly * Nobody's comin' in here.
She's scarin' all the customers away.
Would you rather have the smelly old guy who used to spit on people? Yeah, yeah, get him.
Get him and get rid of her.
Me? Why me? Because we're equal partners in this business, and I'm your father, and you do what I tell you to do.
Well, as long as I know the rules.
* Feel the warmth Can you feel it? * Can you feel it? It's warm * It's warm and I feel good Excuse me, miss.
I'm really sorry, but * And the sun shines just for me * And I feel good * And I feel good So, it's done? Of course it's not done.
I mean, don't you know me at all? Why would you send me to do something like that? She smiled at you.
All right, look.
Take her to lunch, and ask her to take her act further down the road.
Can you handle that? Ha! Can I handle that? Yeah, I can handle that.
Or fail to do so.
But I'm gonna need some money.
So can you give me some 'cause I gave her all of mine.
And as this will be the last presidential election in which you do not cast a ballot, I want this classroom to be an open forum to discuss the issues which most concern your lives.
Mr.
Hunter, what issue most concerns your life? The swimsuit issue.
How am I doin'? Boffo, Mr.
Hunter.
Mr.
Matthews? Ah, yes.
Actually, there is a pressing social matter which I feel equipped to discuss with confidence and alacrity.
Oh, well, then you have the floor, Mr.
Matthews.
Nah, that used me up.
Save us, Miss Lawrence.
Well, first of all, I'd just like to say that I think Cory's really cute for tryin'.
Oh, thank you, sugar.
And that I think the biggest crisis facing this country is the breakdown of the American family.
Oh, you always gotta go after Shawn.
Well, I just think that lots of other issues, like crime and the decline in education Hey, hey, lay off me.
all have to do with how we're brought up in our homes.
Well, now, I agree with you, Miss Lawrence.
That's it.
Mr.
Hunter Oh, that's it.
Shawn, you're not really upset, are you? What, that I'm personally responsible for the breakdown of American society? Nah, I got bigger problems.
I know.
I got problems, too.
I mean, Topanga and I were supposed to go out tonight, but it's not happening.
Well, that's good.
Now we got ourselves a rare guy's night out.
You and me.
Two guys catchin' up.
All right, I'm into that.
The boys together again.
So, it's a pretty lucky thing Topanga's babysitting tonight, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You have a girlfriend who's babysitting? Yeah, late into the night, so burgers or a movie? Cory, there's no burger.
There's no movie.
There's just you and your girlfriend in a stranger's house.
No interruptions, alone on a couch.
Ah.
Ah.
Cory Matthews, a parent's worst nightmare.
Lock up your daughters.
The hormones will be a-flyin' tonight.
You believe me? No, but you're very sweet.
* I got interested in music * When I saw my first Broadway show * Corinna, Corinna, talk.
Use your words.
It's okay just to talk.
Oh.
Okay.
Well, I saw Annie.
And when that little girl sang The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow, I felt like she was talking to me.
Did she maybe mention that you should write something with a little more edge? You sound just like my uncle with the record company.
Oh, you have a record deal? Not yet.
Uncle David says I don't have enough edge.
He seems to think I don't have enough life experience yet.
Man, that must've really put you in a bad mood, brought you down, put you in a dark place? You have no idea what I'm talkin' about, do you? No.
I mean, I just did what I always do, I put my feelings in a song.
* Thank you, Uncle David * For listening to my songs * And only taking two calls * And I'll try to be more edgy * But I can't right now 'cause I'm lookin' at a * Dandelion * Dandelion Now, Topanga, Billy's bedtime is And the emergency numbers are Posted next to the telephone.
And No boys.
And No boys at all.
Water guy.
Don't worry, he's not staying.
I know your rules.
No boys.
What are you doing here? Oh, Topanga, when I said no boys, I didn't mean this kind of boy.
This is Amy and Alan's little boy.
Mmm-hmm.
Um.
Amy and Alan's dangerous little boy.
We're all dangerous in the beginning.
We'll be out late.
If you two get dozy, just take a little nap on the couch.
Very comfortable couch.
Lie down on it, you'll think you're dead.
It's wonderful.
I'm glad you came over, dangerous boy.
Why don't you get all dangerous on the couch, and I'll get us something to eat.
Okay.
All right, all right.
Cozy couch, empty house, dangerous guy Everything is working out according to plan.
What could possibly go wrong? Can I help you with something? You're Morgan's brother.
Uh-huh, and aren't you supposed to be in bed? I got a Nintendo Well, why are we down here? Billy, what are you doing up? He's got 64-bits.
Well, he's got 9:00 bed.
Oh, Topanga, let him have five minutes.
I really wanna play.
Listen, Billy, your parents have entrusted me with your care, and I am obligated to follow the rules as they have clearly laid out.
What were you doing? I love you? Get to bed right now.
Can't I watch TV? Sure.
No.
Cory! No.
Billy, what were you thinking? But it's the Friday night lineup.
Ooh, the Friday night lineup.
What does that have to do with anything? The Friday night lineup, it's only the best shows on TV.
I mean, you walk into school Monday morning, and you didn't see the Friday night lineup, forget it.
You got nothin' to say.
Don't take that away from me.
I cannot believe you are undermining my authority.
I am this child's babysitter, and I take my responsibilities very seriously.
What were you doing? I love you? Ha.
What, you think this is funny? No, Mistress Topanga.
I think it's the opposite of funny.
I think it's wood.
At least let me watch my favorite show.
It's on right now.
But it's 9:30.
I know you don't stay up past 9:00.
It used to be on at 8:30, but this year, they moved it to 9:30.
Those idiots.
Wait a minute.
They moved that show to 9:30.
Why? No one knows.
Well, was it doing badly at 8:30? No.
Why didn't they leave it alone? They're trying to kill it.
They're trying to kill it.
Those are bad, bad people.
Cory, we have to have a little talk.
Right after the show, honey.
There will be no show.
Get to bed.
Well, that was nicely done.
Now it's just you and dangerous me on a cozy couch.
You're going home.
Well, then it's just you.
What fun could that be? You have no idea what this is about, do you? Yes, I do, and it happens to be a very important issue, not just to me and you, but to all men and women in relationships, both here and abroad.
You have no idea what this is about, do you? Oh, do I ever? Hey, Cory, you're missin' a real funny one.
The curly-headed kid keeps on digging himself in deeper and deeper.
Love that kid.
He is such a doof.
I mean, I don't know what Uncle David could've possibly meant by life experience.
I'm 18 years old.
I've been to Sleep Away Camp.
I even got on the wrong bus once.
I had a goldfish who died.
Suicide, was it? Oh, you.
Hey * Oh, you * Oh, you * I'm glad I know you * And I'm glad you know me, too * We'll never get the flu * And go a-choo-choo-choo * Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Like, shh! Check.
Shh.
Check.
Is there something wrong? No.
No.
No, nothing's wrong.
I was just, um I was just looking around, and I noticed all these people were Were watching you and listening to your song, and I was afraid they were gonna steal it, and I don't know, go sell it to Andrew Lloyd Webber, who would then write a three-hour musical about your dead goldfish.
Would he call it "Goldie"? No.
He'd call it Check! "Check," he would call it.
You know, when I got up this morning, I had no idea that before the day was over, I'd meet someone I was gonna spend the rest of my life with and all our lives to come.
Okay, Corinna Um, I don't know how to say this, so I'm gonna choose my words very carefully.
I think you're a psycho.
I wanna get as far away from you as I possibly can.
What? Well, I'm just not the guy for you.
I mean, you need a guy who's Who's happy and perky all the time.
You know, maybe a guy who's had part of his brain removed, and he thinks he's a bunny.
And you guys can go off and be bunnies together.
Check! For the love of God, will someone please bring me a check! You don't wanna see me anymore, do you? Oh, see, it's not just that.
I wanna put you on a rocket ship and send you to the planet Flaflooga.
This has never happened to me before.
That's a minor chord.
* I would've given you my heart * I would've given up who I am * But you trampled on my soul * 'Cause you don't understand * You're shallow * You're shallow * You're shallow * Look at that shallow boy * Topanga, the lunch bell sounded, and I thought maybe you and I could grab a bite-ski at this charming little place I know called the cafeteria.
What would be the point, Cory? Well, first, I'm gonna take a step back, and then I'm gonna tell you.
There are three points.
I'm hungry, you're my girlfriend, and it's Taco Bar Tuesday.
You would feed tacos to our child? Our wha You and I are gonna have a child Wait a minute.
We've only kissed.
I mean, I knew I was a good kisser, but, wow.
Our future child.
The one we'd have if we got married.
Oh, that kid.
Would I feed him tacos? Yeah.
Four for 99 cents.
He's gonna be taco crazy.
You're not getting that I'm really upset with you.
Oh, no, my precious peach.
I had that right away.
Do you know why I'm upset with you? Yes.
Me, something I've done or haven't done or did do, but didn't do properly.
Now, with that said, taco.
You let Billy stay up last Friday night.
You'd rather be pals with our kids than a strong, responsible role model.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
And yet, if I may, at the risk of being argumentative, we don't have any kids.
And we're not gonna.
You know why? 'Cause we're just kissin'? Because I believe that a family falls apart if there are not strong, authoritative role models at home.
Topanga, it wasn't our home.
It wasn't our kid.
Now, I'm sure what you're saying probably makes a lot of sense, but right now, my blood sugar level's dropping, and all I want's a little taco.
Well, if that taco is more important to you than our child, then this family has dysfunction written all over it.
Hey, Cor, taco? I don't think I'm supposed to have one.
Eric, you know how you got this great new job with Dad, and your life's finally beginning to come together? Yeah? That's over.
Why? CD player.
You got one? Yeah, under the counter.
Let me pull out the Sounds of the Sleeping Sled Dogs.
We were walkin' by Varsity Records, and we saw them putting these in the window.
Hey, this looks just like Corinna.
Yeah, ain't that a hoot? Wait, she put out a record? How'd she do that so fast? "Uncle David's Records and Tapes.
" Oh.
"Adult advisory.
Lyrics not suitable for children"? I wonder why.
* You're shallow * You're shallow * Shallow * Look at that shallow boy * Wow, she sounds really angry.
That was the ballad.
Come on, I mean, there's two billion people in the world.
She could be angry about anything.
This could be about anybody.
Track number two.
"Eric Matthews, you're so vain, "you probably didn't know the song before this was about you.
" All signs point to you.
All right, fine.
But, I mean, this is just a vanity CD.
You know, this is something her uncle put together in a booth somewhere.
It's not like anybody's ever gonna hear this.
You're tuned in to FM-109.
Well, if you thought Alanis held a grudge, you ain't heard nothin' yet.
Her name is Corinna, and she's real angry at some pitiful creep named Eric Matthews.
This one ought to be on the charts for 20 years.
I'm famous.
Hi, honey.
It's so good to see you studying.
Oh, boy, suddenly, I have no legs.
No, no, it's not what you're thinking, Miss Dirty Mind.
It's research.
Research? Why? Well, because one day, Topanga's gonna be a mother, and I'm gonna be the father or the uncle, or the way I'm goin', the guy down the street with the binoculars, but I just wanna be ready for whatever it is I'm gonna be.
Why, that's good, Cory, but mostly, you learn from experience.
I mean, your dad and I weren't prepared in advance, but we did the best we could, and we ended up raising three wonderful, well-adjusted children.
Hey, now I'm a maladjusted, woman-hating loser freak.
Okay.
Two.
Corinna came out with a new song, huh? * He's a loser freak loser freak * He's a maladjusted loser freak * He's a woman-hatin' maladjusted loser freak I can't believe you're my brother.
Ew! * He's a loser freak loser freak This is a very difficult situation here.
I mean, Corinna's a very sweet girl with a great artistic spirit.
It'd just be wrong to crush that.
* And he doesn't like girls * 'Cause he's afraid of them * Afraid of them * I think he likes boys * If you know what I'm sayin' * Okay, this chick is toast.
Ah, Eric.
Hey, you remember that girl who was playing guitar in front of our store? No.
Well, she's lookin' for you.
She gave me this.
Ah, she wants to meet me later.
I bet she wants to apologize.
I'm surprised you had the guts to show up.
I'm surprised you're out when the sun is up.
Mysterious vampire references from a pseudo-angry man.
Uh, what are you doin' there? Oh, I just write things down from time to time.
So, uh, why else don't ya like me? 'Cause you're makin' my life miserable.
I just want you to cut it out.
Hmm.
Meow-meow came the sound from the whining cat.
What else you got? Nope, that's it.
I've said my piece.
No, no, no, I know you've got lots of anger.
I mean, go ahead, yell at me, dump me, make me feel bad.
Wait a minute.
What? You're out of material, aren't you? I don't know what you're talkin' about.
Yeah.
That's why you had to see me today.
No, it isn't.
Yeah.
Uncle Dave needs some more angry songs, and you don't have 'em.
I have 'em.
I have lots of 'em.
I'm a very dark and edgy girl.
Mmm-hmm.
Maybe to the rest of the world.
But you know what I see when I look at ya? Dandelions.
What? Mmm-hmm.
Pretty dandelions and flowers on a sunny day.
No, I don't wanna look at the dandelions.
I'll lose my edge.
Come on, Corinna, I know your true self.
No, I'm a troubled, twisted soul.
You know nothing about me.
* The sun'll come out Don't do that.
* Tomorrow * Bet your bottom dollar that When? * Tomorrow * There'll be What? * Sun * Just thinkin' about tomorrow * Clears away the cobwebs and the so Eric, are you leaving me? * Tomorrow * Tomorrow * Tomorrow * I love ya, tomorrow * You're only a day * Away "So that night, the purple duck taught all his little friends "to go to bed early, to eat our green vegetables, "and that there's no reason to be afraid of the potty.
The end.
" The little purple duck is quite the overachiever, isn't he? Well, that's somethin' for you to think about while you go to sleep.
Now, go brush your teeth.
Billy Epperson said at his house, you let him stay up late and watch TV.
Morgan, have we learned nothing from the purple duck? You're just making me go to bed because I'm your sister.
No, no, I'm making you go to bed because I'm your brother, and I love you.
So, go to bed.
How long have you been here? Just walked in.
Did you come over to yell at me some more? No.
I heard you were babysitting, so I brought you some tacos.
Is this a trap? I just figured empty house, cozy couch, dangerous me and maybe you.
Okay, but before I lower my shields here, what exactly made you change your mind? I got to thinking about what you said about us being young and not having kids for a while, and my guess is that by the time we do, you'll be a pretty good dad.
You know, my guess is I will be, too.
You know why? Because kids respect me.
They do.
They sort of think of me as Mr.
Discipline.
So, we won't have kids.
And now we've got the latest single by that angry young lady, Corinna Collins, who's taken the country by storm.
I haven't heard this one yet.
It's called Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuv? * At the little house down from the dandelion puddle * Is a cute, sweet boy I sure wanna cuddle * RADIO Wow, that's bad.
She's over.