Brad Neely's Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

For the Jenners

1 [ Hip-hop playing ] Ohh, my body is trying to shit out my back.
My lower back is hurting, filled with shit.
It's moving up my body.
- Wait, what? - God! Like it's not gonna fit out my asshole, it's gonna come out - What the [bleep] It hurts my back.
Is she talking about shitting? I'm like a hose with a thumb on it.
It's all gonna force through the weakest tissue of the hose, man.
I can't hold it.
My grip is slipping.
My anal grip is slipping.
She's talking about [bleep] It's gonna be like Old Faithful right out of my [bleep] back, man.
Dude, that's my girl right there saying that [bleep] It's gonna be like water jets from a Jacuzzi but with my doody.
I ain't even know she had bowels, son.
Oh, God, it's like if I don't find a place to shoot this literal fecal jet, I'm gonna straight-up paint that fence over there.
What?! Paint the fence?! She gonna "Karate Kid" this [bleep] Hold on, I got a CVS bag in here.
Just go into this Gap and take a sweater into the dressing room and squat over the bag.
Leave it in there like a nice hot bag of soup for those assholes.
Hey, they're assholes in there anyway.
Cool, right, yeah.
Good plan.
Let me have it.
I can wipe with this stack of napkins that I stole from Starbucks.
Don't you do that! Don't you do that [bleep] I ate 10 of those bags of espresso beans.
I should sue those [bleep] which I blame for this mud puppy in the first place that I'm barely pinching back.
[ Tires squeal ] Yo! Yo, what's up?! No, I saw you! I was watching! You told me you ain't never took [bleep] Who the [bleep] are you?! Whoo! - Whoop! - Whoop! Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Whoop! Bangs on things Everything is cuter with a bang bang Bangs on things Everything is cuter with a bang bang Look at her, look at that, look at her, look at that Look at this, look at that, looka, looka, looka, looka Bangs on things [ Roars ] Everything is cuter with a bang bang Man: Wrong face! I got the tests back.
It's malignant.
Wrong face! Narrator: A British family was having a tough time.
Woman: I don't want another kid, Eric.
Just put some jam in a sock and [bleep] it.
Then they got a houseguest.
It's Humpington.
He's got a weird little laugh.
[ Groans creepily ] Narrator: And a rotting anus.
Humpington can grant wishes, but he doesn't.
Humpington could leave, but he doesn't.
Humpington could put ointment on his rotting anus, but he doesn't.
Humpington is voiced by Colin Firth and Colin Farrell, overlapped in dual octave Tuvan throat-singing style.
I just want to eat a jam.
Where is your jam? [ Groans ] Emma, what was I [bleep] supposed to do? Narrator: Humpington! This is not a movie, this is happening.
This is a great party, right? I know! But I haven't met the host.
[ Water splashes ] Oh, he's a catch.
I don't know why, but I get this feeling he's important or revolutionary or something dangerous and cool.
He's right over there.
You mean the one with the bald spots?! Yeah, the one with the skin knots I think he's really freakin' stinky-looking But he's in a rattan chair Oh, I'm down Yeah, you're down Dude, that chair He's in a rattan chair He got syph and hep He got herp and strep Gono and mono But he's in a rattan chair Man: Wrong face! Dude, Janey left me.
Oh, man, that's horrible.
Well, hey, man, I'm here if you ever need to talk, okay? Leg face! My dog is a ghost My dog is a ghost Once upon a time I had a dog and he was black But then he ate some sticks and died Never to come back So today I started thinking Wait, maybe he's a ghost I have absolutely no evidence or proof My dog is a ghost My dog is a ghost My dog is a ghost My dog is a ghost Dude, I need an afternoon snack.
Don't worry, dude.
My mom stacks the snacks.
Your mom is stacked.
I mean she keeps snacks in the kitchen.
Dude, I know what you meant.
But your mom is stacked.
Like, I want to have intercourse with her.
And have, like, a son-brother to you.
Hot Pockets Man: He loved her like a doggie loves doo-doo.
She loved him like a kitty kills birds.
But being together was as hot as a cop watch a "Braveheart" get executed.
But like trying to put a sock on a wet foot, it's easier if you ain't.
People said they were like lightning and a baby Rare, I mean.
And the world was an oyster, and it was theirs.
Man: Wrong face! He finally proposed! I'm engaged.
[ Sobbing ] I don't really want to marry him! Wrong face! Man: You know, I always see Kanye as, like, you know, like a little koala hanging out on the top of a tree.
But in that tree, there's, like, a secret little hole where you can go in it, and it's a cave.
And inside the cave, there are all these, like, diamond-encrusted baby tools for, like building elephants that know how to, like, rattle the cages, you know? And those cages are those ones that they're always talking about when they're wearing all their wedding gowns.
But Kanye says, "No, no! Nobody can get married anymore in this freakin' town because I'm the mayor and my shoes got them new holes in them where everybody can look.
" Hey, hamsters, I have your favorite sesame seeds! Ooh Ooh, yeah Got to give me that seed Talking about whooooo Whooooo, yeah Got to give me that seed Talking about whoooooo You got to give me that seed Whoo! - Whoop! - Whoop! Whoo! So you're telling me this gets seasoned after every use? Exactly.
Cast iron is reliable.
Once you try this thing, you're never gonna go back to those Teflon models.
It's got some heft to it.
Well, now the same manufacturers have developed a special product for all of us The cast-iron stocking stuffer.
I got to tell you, this is coming at just the right time.
Oh, I like to ride it down the stairs.
Put it in and go on a sleigh ride.
[ Humming upbeat tune ] Thank you, Santa.
[ Laughing ] I'm gonna leave mine out in the summer sun next to my sun-brewed iced tea.
Oh, and act now, and we'll throw in a tub of Gak! Peretti: So I just read online that some scientists extracted DNA from Lewis Carroll's corpse, and they genetically engineered not just a new Lewis Carroll, but hundreds of Lewis Carrolls, because when they did the first one, he was totally nuts and they were not sure if this was just an accurate recreation of the probably [bleep] up writer of "Alice in Wonderland," or if maybe they got it wrong.
I mean, the first clone demanded to sleep in a coffin full of glitter and then to take a shower of glitter.
Like, he wanted to dress in the skin of Lady Gaga once he read about Lady Gaga, so they had to bring him a facsimile of this skin because Lewis had a huge, strange temper.
[ Screaming ] Peretti: Anyway, they tried it again even crazier.
But they needed to recoup their losses, so they just made a [bleep] load of cuckoo Carrolls and made a Jurassic Park around him.
And now kids can roll around in hamster balls and witness hundreds of this guy just doing Lewis out there on this secluded island feeling the wind blowing through Gaga's hair.
Google it.
[ Inhales deeply ] G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g [ Inhales deeply ] G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g I have never, ever Ever, ever, ever Never, ever Ever, ever, ever Never, ever Ever, ever, ever Never, ever Ever, ever, ever Never, ever Never, ever, ever Never washed my hands [ Hip-hop playing ] Bye-bye.