Brassic (2019) s01e04 Episode Script
Episode 4
1 He was older, greyer.
He didn't look how I expected him to look.
He was older, greyer.
Not as intimidating.
But when he spoke The way he looked at me I could tell He was a man capable of things.
Mr Mc Mr McCann.
You, Vincent, are the shit on my shoe.
An irritation, unpleasant, has to be dealt with.
Can't go around with shit on your shoe.
It ruins the overall effect.
Try scraping it off, but a bit always lingers in the cracks.
So, in the end, inevitable, no way around it, you have to remove the shoe.
Deal with the shit properly.
No.
1: You stay out of my life, away from anything I'm involved in.
If I even hear your name again, you're done.
You or those you love.
No.
2: For the pony, for the money you may or may not have stolen from Glen Glenson - my money - I want compensation.
20k this month.
No ifs, no buts.
You've got a weed business.
Sell weed, sell your mother, sell your arse.
I don't fuckin' care.
Money.
Yeah.
Do you know, the ironic thing is his shoe did actually smell a little bit like shit.
That's scary.
You wanna be careful.
What are you gonna do? Well, me mum always used to say you should never give in to a bully, you know.
Mind you, she also used to say that goat jizz cured cancer.
Money That's What I Want She was never the gospel of good advice.
# The best things in life are free # But you can give then to the birds and bees # I need money # That's what I want # That's what I want # That's what I want # That's what I want # That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want Oi! Jimmy Savile, move along! Eh? Staring at the kids.
Fiddlin' with yourself.
I weren't fiddlin' with myself.
I was here, watchin' ya.
I saw you put your hand in your pocket and you were messin' with it.
I was loosening the elastic on my boxers.
They're diggin' in.
You were fiddlin', and you were stroking it.
Hang on, I weren't strokin' meself.
On your way, perv! Oi! That's my little lad over there.
I was keeping me eye out for the champ.
Forget about it.
I know a fiddler when I see one and you were fiddlin'.
Imagine just finding out you're a dad.
I honestly I hope I don't fucking hand on any of this shit on.
I mean, my fucking Can you take a look at this? What? Just take a look at this.
Come on.
Tell me if you've seen anything like it.
Whoa, whoa! Here.
Take a look.
Look at that.
For fuck's sake! It's horrible, isn't it? Yes, it is horrible.
It was this girl the other night.
Fuck! Whoa! Have you been bashing it about? I haven't been bashing it about.
Why does it look like that? Think she had a piercing.
Oh, dude.
Or a scab.
I hope it wasn't a scab.
That looks really sore, man.
Bloody is sore.
Had any cream on it? I've had a cortisone.
It's not working.
All right.
Yeah.
Whoa! Yeah.
There! Balls as well.
Look at that! Let's put it away now.
It's spreading.
All right.
Let's just sheave it.
Sorry.
You don't mind, do you? You've done it.
Of course I mind, it's wildly unprofessional.
I'm supposed to What? That's fatherhood for you.
Fuckin' unbelievable! Rubbish.
I'm telling you.
He'll back me up.
Two separate occasions? Two separate occasions.
Same otter? Will you tell her the story? You just told her.
Terry Nutkins, the bloke from The Really Wild Show got his finger bitten off by an otter.
Went back a year later, same otter bit the other finger off.
There is no way this happened.
It happened.
Dozy bugger.
It's bitten him once.
What's he stickin' it in again for? Aye-aye.
She don't look like she's in the right pub.
I'm not here.
Get rid of her.
Hello, boys.
You're after Tommo, are you? He's just gone.
He just ran over there.
I'm not shaggin' her.
You can use the disabled toilet.
He can't.
There's 26 satellite dishes in there.
And by the way, I want them moved.
Mm.
Hi, Tommo.
'Ey up, Daffne.
You dropped something? While you're down there It's all right.
It's Vinnie I want.
Hm? So, go on, what can we do for you? Business, Vinnie.
I hear that you're a man that can get things done, so how about you buy me a drink and I'll tell you my proposition? What do you want? A pint of cider? G&T would be lovely.
Plenty of ice, go easy on the tonic and give me a twist of lemon.
As you're aware, my husband, he's a very unpleasant man.
He's manipulative, conniving .
.
sexually immoral.
Yeah, I can vouch for that.
And we're currently engaged in a very bitter and acrimonious maintenance battle.
The bastard won't pay me what he should.
Not to me or to my kids.
His own flesh and blood.
He's denying them the basics.
I wanna hit him where it fuckin' hurts.
His fish.
His fish? Koi carp.
He keeps them in a special aquarium in a fish shed since the divorce.
Involving his fish is a bit harsh.
Those fish broke up our marriage.
Well, that and the prostitutes, and the doggin'.
I mean, he'd shag the bloody things if it wasn't illegal.
I don't I don't think it is illegal.
It's got to be, man.
Bestiality, summat like that.
And how would you even do that? Where would it go? I'm googling it.
JJ, stop googling shit like that, man.
Someone checks your phone, you're gonna be in trouble.
We've had this chat.
What do you want us to do? Rob 'em or what? Rob 'em? No.
I want them dead.
Dead? Dead.
Well, the thing is, we're thieves, primarily.
Fish murder doesn't come under our remit.
You know what I mean? You go fishing.
He's always at it.
That's not the same.
Why not? Because I either eat them or throw them back.
Well, eat these.
Mount them on the wall.
I don't care.
I just want them dead because Well, because of everything that man's ever put me through.
What are you doin'? I'm sorry.
Stop doin' that.
Are you tryin' to cry? Pardon? Are you pretending to cry? Pardon? You don't have to do that, we'll kill his fish.
What? Will we? Yeah, but we need more than that.
This now.
Same again when it's done.
Deal? Deal.
Call me when it's done.
Mm.
Tommojust call me.
Yeah, it's pretty much illegal.
Bloke did it with a dolphin once.
Mm.
Hired killers now, are we? No, because I was thinking, we're gonna sell them fish.
If he's an enthusiast, they're gonna be good quality.
Ask him.
Yeah? So, we nick 'em, sell 'em, tell her they're dead, easy money.
Who's payin' for her drink? Tommo Is this a good idea? Of course.
It's practically free money.
If we're gonna pay McCann back, we need help.
Which is why I'm doing Do you need that blue badge? No, I've got last year's.
In case you need remindin', stealin' a small animal landed us in the shit we're in now.
This is different.
How is it different? Because we know Bishop.
Well, Tommo knows Bishop.
I mean, essentially he's a knob head.
He's a fish enthusiast who likes getting spanked.
Yeah, right, well, I'll catch you later.
We'll talk logistics.
Can I just use your bog for a quick pee? Hiya.
Hi.
You all right? Hi.
Just doing some revision.
Stick t'kettle on.
I thought you just needed a pee.
While I'm here, you know what I mean No wonder you're always pissin'.
All right, babe.
Right, this has to stop.
What? You appearin'.
Stop ignoring me.
I'm not ignoring you.
You're like a fuckin' stalker.
Because I wanna see him.
You can't.
Erin.
No.
Look, things go on as they were no-one knows and no-one will.
Honestly, for a second, just imagine how he'd feel.
He doesn't have to know.
I'm after one day.
One day as Uncle Vinnie.
Fuck's sake.
I wish I'd never told you now.
You should have told me six fuckin' year ago.
I'm after one day.
No.
You'll end up telling him, Vin, and it'll screw with his head.
I'm not gonna tell - It will screw with his head.
He doesn't know who his dad is.
The only man he needs in his life is your best mate.
What about the one that grows in your belly? The one he doesn't even know about? That's none of your fuckin' business.
I know, but he has a right to know, Erin.
Why has he? Why? Has he ever once expressed his desire to have a child with me? To be a father? To be responsible? No.
Erin? Brew's ready.
OK.
One day.
I'll think about it.
So, who's this bloody buyer, then? Just a bloke online.
He does a podcast.
Oh, man, I love it.
You listen to a fishing podcast do you? Yeah.
It's not just fishing.
There's golf, there's TT's, Taekwondo as well.
Do they do one for S&M? How much is he paying? Well, it depends.
On what? Bloodline.
Bloodline? Yeah.
Well, you know, pedigree.
It's like dogs, bruv.
Top quality koi carp.
They've got a desirable bloodline.
All right, nuts and bolts.
How we gonna steal 'em? OK.
Main thing, and I know it might sound obvious, but gotta keep them alive, yeah? Transporting fish from a fish shed to here is fraught with problems.
Lesson No.
1, boys: Fish hate volatility.
Don't we all? Well, count me out, I'm playing poker and I need to prepare.
Typical.
I'm in.
What do we need? We need tanks, filters, pumps.
It needs setting up in that van before we lift the carp.
How much is that gonna cost? Well, a lot.
There's no point doing the job if it's that much outlay, is there? Why don't we just kill 'em? Yeah.
Why don't we just kill 'em? No, listen.
There will be profit.
There'll be profit.
If they're good fish, a grand a piece.
A grand a? A grand a piece? A grand? My spanking bench was only 600 and that's stainless steel.
I still don't fancy shelling out for all that gear.
Shit.
I've had an idea.
Does Jim still have Pinky and Perky? Certainly not Pinky and Perky.
Yeah.
Definitely, yeah.
Mate, you're insane.
They fractured Cardi's shoulder.
Where is the fat chuff anyway? Underwater Love # This is it # Underwater love # It's so deep # So beautiful # After the rain comes sun # After the sun comes rain again # After the rain comes sun # After the sun comes rain again This must be underwater love Guess who? Er, soft hands.
Faint whiff of hummus.
Jake.
You all right? Yeah.
So, proposition for you.
Er, go on.
How do you fancy being my girlfriend? Just for the day, fake girlfriend.
No sex necessary, unless you absolutely insist.
Why do you need a fake girlfriend? For a wedding.
My cousin.
They asked months ago if I was bringing someone and I said I was seeing a girl called Meghan.
Meghan? Yeah.
How very royal.
Mm-hm.
So, you're seriously asking me to be Meghan for the day? Yeah.
Free food, free booze.
You get to wear a nice dress and hang out in a posh hotel in Wilmslow.
When is it? Saturday.
Can't.
Come on, it'll be fun.
My cousin's fiance's Scottish.
All the men are wearing kilts.
Are you gonna miss seeing me in a kilt? Sorry.
Saturday's out.
Send me a photo.
Bye.
Bye.
Blockbuster I'm bringing these back.
They're geese.
I want my money back.
But we don't sell geese.
I've got the receipts.
I mean, not on me but, you know, somewhere.
Think about going and getting your manager.
You can have these back.
Yeah.
Get out of here! Mental.
Crazy.
Get 'em! Hey! I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to get those geese out of the store.
You sold 'em to me, sunshine.
You neglected to mention they're vicious.
We don't sell geese.
We sell rabbits and we sell hamsters and Grab him.
Ow! Hey, Curly-Sue, getting up in my grill.
Liam! Don't flick my badge.
Don't flick my badge.
I'll flick your badge again, mate.
Don't flick my badge.
I'll flick your badge all day.
He's going for it.
What about Tommo? Never mind him.
He's having a great time.
Come on.
Can I at least have a credit note? Right, as fast as you can.
I'll ring if anyone arrives back.
Just need a little push.
Code.
Er, zero-two-two-six.
Asia's longest-living fish: Koi Hanako.
It's got this amazing - Just get the fish.
Wow.
This is Oh, man, look at how perfect they are.
Oh, he's done such a good job.
This is the work of a true fish-lover, this.
I've got to be honest, I'm not sure I can take 'em.
You what? It's not right.
I mean, look at them, the beauty that he's created.
He comes in here and he's happy.
He's truly happy.
Give me the chuffin' bucket! Mm.
No, no, no.
Go back inside.
Perfect.
Oh, man, these are such beautiful fish.
You googled it, dick-head, it's illegal.
Yeah? How long you gonna be? Got a nosy neighbour who's in the gate.
How long we gonna be? Two minutes.
Two minutes.
Shit.
I'll have to head him off.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
It's all right.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm just looking for Mount View Crescent.
Mount View Crescent? Never heard of it.
I'm tryin' to find my nan's house.
Bloody sat's brought me down the wrong way.
You don't know where it is? Never heard of it.
Oh! What is it? Are you OK? Where's the pain? It's just down my side there.
Is it a sharp pain? It is a sharp pain, yeah.
It's, I don't know, a twisted bowel.
Oh.
Yes, it's how my dad went.
Can I do anything for you? Whoa! You're gonna have to ring an ambulance.
You're gonna have to ring an ambulance.
An ambulance? Yeah.
L-L-Look, erm, yes, yes.
I will, yes.
Stay there.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Shit.
Ash, come on.
Get a shift on, mate.
Oi! You chaps! I'm calling the police! Maureen! Maureen! Intruders! Stay indoors and call the authorities! They could be armed.
Don't come out here, whatever you do! Liar! Maureen, it's thieves.
Dial 999.
Vinnie, slow down, man.
There's water splashing everywhere.
You're gonna have one flopping out.
How am I gonna get away at this speed? I'm really sorry, fishes.
Please don't die, yeah? Any chance of stopping for chips on the way home, Vin? So what if I said I wanted a grand a fish? I'd laugh in your face.
You can piss off.
You want these swimmers.
Especially, that big fella there.
Look, these three, they're not worth much, common as chip paper.
Now, these two, nice fish, unusual, but These four: her, her, her, and especially her, they're the sweethearts.
Give you two grand for the lot.
Eight.
Three.
Seven.
Four.
Six.
May God strike me dead.
I swear to God I won't take a penny less.
Five.
Done.
So, er, what days are you open down here? Hm? Paid to kill 'em.
Paid to bloody sell 'em.
That's double-bubble.
I'm a bloody genius.
Fish genius is what I am.
Change your tuna.
Oh.
You're giving me a haddock.
Oh, Christ.
Headache.
It's bloody awful.
As good as his tuna one.
Bloody terrible, Kath.
Listen, you need to smash that poker tournament tomorrow.
We'll be rolling in it.
We'll pay McCann what we owe him.
We might even have a bit of money left over.
Argh! What's up with you? Hardwicke! Oi! Russell Hardwicke! Stop banging on stuff.
Come here.
Fuckin' hell's teeth.
Come here.
I've worked hard for it and I was earning money.
All right.
Now listen.
Listen to me.
Calm down a bit.
What's going on? He kicked me up the arse, he stole all my money, he called me a peasant.
All right, listen.
Listen to me.
Just tell me what happened.
I was s-selling the golf balls I recovered.
Yeah.
And everything w-was going well.
And then he turns up, the orange prick.
Oi.
They're mine.
My balls.
I found them.
Get off my golf course now.
No, that's mine.
You fat, fucking peasant.
Mate, all right, come on.
Give me a love.
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
I wanted to earn money to help with McCann.
And you did.
You did earn money to help with McCann.
Listen to me.
He's a knob head and we're gonna sort him out.
But we can't do that tonight.
Do you know why? Cos we're celebrating.
Gonna get you a beer.
Gonna get you a kebab later.
You're not even supposed to have them.
Cardi, get a bloody round in.
Come here.
Stick that in your gob.
Yeah.
Today is a good day.
Come on now.
Blister In The Sun There they are, them are the buggers.
Tommo.
Got you, you fucker.
Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Right, I am off on this poker trip.
When are you back? Tomorrow morning.
Will you win millions? Probablybillions! Rargh! I'm gonna come back tomorrow, yeah? I'm gonna pull out a massive pile of notes.
We'll toss 'em in the air, and any you can grab before your mum, you can keep.
No chance.
They're mine.
Mine.
Fight you for it.
Have a good day, yeah, my man.
Call you later.
Bye.
Love you.
Bye.
Love you.
Play well.
Play bad.
Right so today you got a play-date with your Auntie Kath.
That'll be fun, won't it? Have you? No, darling, no.
Mummy's got important, boring things to do.
But, it'll be fun.
You can eat crisps and drink lots of beer.
Not loads though.
OK.
OK.
Mm.
Need A Little Time # I don't know a lot about you # But you seem to know a lot about me # So I take a little time out Erin.
Shall we? I'm just gonna nip to the toilet.
I'll be two minutes.
# I'm sorry that I lost my patience # You deserve better, it's true # I need a little time out # I need a little time out from me # Me # Me # Me and you # You # Yo-o-o-o-ou Oo-oo-ooh Hello? Right.
Tyler today.
Pick him up from Cass, you can have him till bedtime.
No, wait.
I didn't get to bed till four.
Do you wanna have him or not? Yeah, but if you'd have If you'd have told me, I wouldn't have mixed booze and pills.
All right, well, have fun.
We can work out what we'll tell Dylan later, OK? All right.
Here he is! Hey! There he is! Oh, fuckin' hell, my head.
# You sang your swan song to the dogs # Cos they made mincemeat of the dreams you hung your hopes on # So you cut it out, well, your sins cost # While money talks to your conscience # Looking like a fool for love # Dear life, I'm holding on # Dear life # I'm holding on # How long must I wait Before the thrill is gone? You're killin' it, killin' it! No hands.
All right, say bye to Auntie Kath.
Bye.
Bye.
See you later.
What does Mummy not let you do? Blue ice cream? Blue ice cream? We can do better than blue ice cream.
What aboutride a tractor? Or shoot a gun? Let's go and rob that bank over the road Can I go to your house, in the woods? I love it there.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Don't wanna rob the bank? No.
Loads of money in it.
Let's go and get a pastie.
Wow! Look at this place.
They're loaded.
All right, then, Meghan.
Come meet the family.
Get off! Get off! Nobody gets my biscuits.
Give me here! No, don't.
Don't.
Piglet! Hang on, dude.
Piglet nips.
You all right, mate? Don't call me "mate", arsehole.
Who's this? I've got 'em.
Hm.
Tommo.
Tied up in a secure location.
You don't get him back until I get my Renee.
Renee? The The fish you stole.
All right, well What makes you think it was us? CCTV.
Shit.
And Tommo admitted it under questioning.
Course he has.
You've done your research clearly.
Go on, what do you want? I want her back.
Hm.
And the others.
But, Renee .
.
she's a princess.
Well, look, Mr Bishop, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure how much Tommo's told you, but she's died.
What? Yeah.
Your ex paid us to kill 'em, so Yeah.
She kinda fell out of this bucket and then she was floundering around on the pavement.
She bashed her own head in, you see and we tried to get her back in, but it was too late.
She just suffocated.
Ju-Just I'm, in this moment, I should have softened the blow.
I should I should've lied.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Hello? That's not good.
You killed Renee? Mm.
No, she went on holiday.
Go and get a biscuit.
No point.
You know where he lives.
I say we go round to his gaff and just ask him nicely to give us Tommo back.
We can't go round there without Renee.
I'm tellin' you he's tapped.
How's he managed to kidnap Tommo? He's got a slate loose.
What's the odds on getting 'em back off the buyer? Zero.
Well, then, just nick 'em back.
Mate, I don't even know where he lives.
Fuck! I can't What she look like? She's a fish.
Speckled.
We could replace her.
You can't just replace Cardi, they're rare.
We're not just gonna find one in your nan's pond.
You know what I mean? Golf course.
Eh? Russell Hardwicke's pond, there's loads of carp in there.
Are you serious? Are you sure they're carp? Of course I'm sure.
They're morons.
They've been g-g-getting in my way all week.
How many are there? Ponds or carp? Oh, for God's sake, carp.
Hundreds.
Hundreds? That's gotta be worth a shot.
We need that McCann money.
Are there any white with red spots? Get your diving gear.
No way.
I'm not going back.
Get your diving gear.
This is your revenge on Hardwicke.
He called you a fat peasant.
N-No, way.
Just lend us the gear and he can do it.
I'm not doing it.
JJ, you're the fish freak.
I don't know what I am doing.
No.
Are you flippin' kidding me? Ashley - I actually can't because I've got a date to go on.
You haven't got a date, have you? I'll steal 'em.
Handsome.
Will you? Right, get your coat on.
Right, Cardi, we need that suit.
What? For him? Not for him, you moron, for me.
There's no time.
It's not gonna fit on him, he's only a child.
No time.
It's tiny.
It's not for him.
You OK? Yeah.
Comin' in with me? No.
Are you havin' a bloody laugh? It's your idea.
I haven't got my swim trunks.
Good point.
You keep watch then.
He's bloody useless.
# Ain't no fish, Ain't no flounder # Ain't no tuna, Ain't no fish Holy mackerel, Somedays there's fish Have you got a girlfriend? Eurgh! No, me neither.
Fake girlfriend, eh? Was that your plan? Get me here, make your move? Or did you wanna show me how the other half live? I just thought it might be fun.
It's not even that I'm envious of it, or I wish I'd been born into it.
I just don't see why I can't have the opportunities you lot have got.
To come to places like this, and talk about the stuff you all talk about, without feeling like an imposter.
You're not.
I am.
And no matter how much I educate myself, I'll never belong.
Because people like me make shit decisions.
Shit decisions, shit mistakes.
That's rubbish.
Anyone can change their life.
They can.
You can rise up, just like you can drop down.
Of course, you're gonna say that, cos life's taught you anything's possible.
You think, I've had You think I've had everything easy? Yeah.
Well, for one, you try being this colour, in this country.
What I'm saying is anything is possible.
It's about the choices you make.
You're doing everything right.
Am I? Yes.
You are.
Look, this isn't about me, it's about you and where you wanna be in five years.
Write it down.
Actually do it.
Write it on some paper, fold it up, put it in your purse.
Then make every single decision get you to that place.
You're a beautiful .
.
brilliant girl Woman.
Woman.
Yes.
Woman, sorry.
Woman.
After you, madame.
There not as good, man.
There not as unusual.
They keep swimming off.
Yeah, they're fish, man.
They'll do that.
I need some help.
I already told you, man, there's no way I'm getting into this lake.
It's bloody freezing.
I'm gonna fuckin' kill him, man.
Bloody shit.
Where's that kid? I'm freezing.
You fell in the water.
I didn't fall.
He slipped right in, didn't he? # And they might say it was about diarrhoea # Diarrhoea, I have diarrhoea # With flies inside and olives and olives All right, listen, listen.
Stop, stop.
Stop your diarrhoea song.
Listen to me.
We're gonna take the fish to his backyard and put them in his tank.
Then we're gonna have a word about letting Tommo go.
Are you gonna stay here or come with us? He's five, man.
You can't leave him here alone.
You're doing your first break in and entry.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, then.
It's not workin', is it? No, man.
Try it again.
Zero-two-two-six.
Zero-two-two-six.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Come out.
I can see you.
And I'm warning you, I am armed.
All right.
All right, we're coming out.
Listen, we brought you some carp there as a pea What are you wearing? As a peace offering.
Just have a look, they're nice.
They're not Renee.
Will you calm down a bit? I've got a little lad with me here.
Put the ornamental sword down.
Let's have a chat.
It's not ornamental.
It looks ornamental.
It's not.
I have got some ornamental ones but this is real.
From over there, it looks ornamental.
It's not fucking ornamental.
Will you mind your language? Sorry.
Your dad keeps saying this is ornamental.
It's not ornamental.
He's not my dad.
Look at this.
What's ornamental? Pretend.
Where's Tommo? Wouldn't you like to know? Yeah, I would.
I'm in here.
Tom? Come here, you.
Step away.
Come here.
Simmer down.
Wanna check he's all right.
What are them shoes all about? Come on.
Have you locked him in here? A delicate garden shed.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, for God's sake.
Why didn't you break out? And why are you half-naked? That bitch woman.
Puttin' a hit out on my Renee.
And you two murderers.
I'll take your heads clean off.
How'd you like that? Not with that.
It's ornamental.
It is not ornamental.
It looks ornamental.
It's not ornamental! It looks ornamental.
It looks it.
It isn't! Mr Bishop, just calm down, OK? Just, can you please look at the fish? All right.
They're a good pedigree, man.
And Man to man, yeah.
I know how you feel about Renee.
I know she was precious.
And I know she can't be replaced, but you know a heart's a fickle beast, Mr Bishop.
Maybe, and this is a big maybe, right? Give it a bit time.
One of these lovely, little ladies will help you fill that void.
Mm? Yeah, all right.
It's cold out, isn't it? There's a good lad.
Gimme them.
I'll do it.
You're gonna do it? Yeah.
You had a good time? The best.
Yeah? Yeah.
We played monsters.
And we had a sword fight.
Yeah, don't tell your mum that.
Here she is.
You should be in bed.
Sorry, we had a bit too much fun.
Right, go on, baby.
Put your jamas on.
No, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come here right now and give me a snuggle.
Go on.
Quick.
Right, I'll see you soon.
Yeah.
All right.
Good lad.
Go on, get in.
Do as your mum says.
It's bloody freezing.
I'll be up in a minute, OK? Yeah.
So? Where have you been with him? In fact, don't even bother.
I know where you've been with him, cos Kath told me.
Nickin' fish.
He had a good time.
That's your day with him, is it? You asked for a day, I give you a day and you introduce him to a world of petty crime! You look nice.
Where have you been? A wedding.
A wedding? Mm-hm, as a fake girlfriend for a day.
Favour to a friend.
And, no, before you ask, Dylan didn't know.
It was that Jake, was it? Yeah.
Dry run, to see how it feels? No.
Then why the fuck do it, then? Because I felt like being someone else for the day, Vin.
He loves you, you know? Dylan.
He's an idiot and I know he doesn't tell you.
He doesn't tell you how he feels, but he does.
He worships the ground you walk on.
Trouble is, Vin, he loves you too.
How can I not be a part of that kid's life, Erin? I can keep me gob shut about not being his real dad, but I need days like this.
You're gonna move You're gonna move away, you're gonna piss off.
I am.
I have to.
I've never felt this way about anyone since my mum.
I really love him.
You're breaking my heart, you are.
I don't want you to leave.
I mean, I definitely don't want Dylan to go To take Tyler, to take him away from me I like how I'm third on your list Please, Erin.
I'm sorry.
It's written down, all right.
It's a life I wanna live.
Yeah.
Vinnie Vin I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself # I just don't know what to do with myself # I don't know what to do with myself # Planning everything for two # Doing everything with you # And now that we're through I just don't know what to do Oi! Arsehole! Do you mind telling me why my husband is sending me WhatsAppss with this on them? I don't know.
Let me have a look.
Christ! What is it? What is it? It's a fuckin' 35 grand fish, that's what it is.
What? Super rare.
Now he's acting like he's grown a second dick.
He says you got it for him.
I paid you to piss him off, not make his fuckin' year.
Well, I want it all back.
Every last penny, you useless, fucking fish killer.
# Like a summer rose # Needs the sun and rain # I need your sweet love To beat love away Let's have a big round of applause for our principal ballerina Cardi! You all right? What's this ball bag doing here? He's meant to be down for an eight-stretch.
No-one wants to see Ronnie Croft thrive.
He wreaks havoc.
Argh! He ruins lives.
Please tell me this is some fucked-up sex thing.
That's what I just said.
On the ground! Get on the ground now! It's so stupid no-one'd think anyone would be daft enough to try it.
I Got So Much Trouble In My Mind # I got so much trouble in my mind # I got so much trouble in my mind # I got so much trouble in my mind # Give me the strength to carry on # Give me the strength # To carry on Cos everything I got is just about gone AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
uk
He didn't look how I expected him to look.
He was older, greyer.
Not as intimidating.
But when he spoke The way he looked at me I could tell He was a man capable of things.
Mr Mc Mr McCann.
You, Vincent, are the shit on my shoe.
An irritation, unpleasant, has to be dealt with.
Can't go around with shit on your shoe.
It ruins the overall effect.
Try scraping it off, but a bit always lingers in the cracks.
So, in the end, inevitable, no way around it, you have to remove the shoe.
Deal with the shit properly.
No.
1: You stay out of my life, away from anything I'm involved in.
If I even hear your name again, you're done.
You or those you love.
No.
2: For the pony, for the money you may or may not have stolen from Glen Glenson - my money - I want compensation.
20k this month.
No ifs, no buts.
You've got a weed business.
Sell weed, sell your mother, sell your arse.
I don't fuckin' care.
Money.
Yeah.
Do you know, the ironic thing is his shoe did actually smell a little bit like shit.
That's scary.
You wanna be careful.
What are you gonna do? Well, me mum always used to say you should never give in to a bully, you know.
Mind you, she also used to say that goat jizz cured cancer.
Money That's What I Want She was never the gospel of good advice.
# The best things in life are free # But you can give then to the birds and bees # I need money # That's what I want # That's what I want # That's what I want # That's what I want # That's what I want That's what I want That's what I want Oi! Jimmy Savile, move along! Eh? Staring at the kids.
Fiddlin' with yourself.
I weren't fiddlin' with myself.
I was here, watchin' ya.
I saw you put your hand in your pocket and you were messin' with it.
I was loosening the elastic on my boxers.
They're diggin' in.
You were fiddlin', and you were stroking it.
Hang on, I weren't strokin' meself.
On your way, perv! Oi! That's my little lad over there.
I was keeping me eye out for the champ.
Forget about it.
I know a fiddler when I see one and you were fiddlin'.
Imagine just finding out you're a dad.
I honestly I hope I don't fucking hand on any of this shit on.
I mean, my fucking Can you take a look at this? What? Just take a look at this.
Come on.
Tell me if you've seen anything like it.
Whoa, whoa! Here.
Take a look.
Look at that.
For fuck's sake! It's horrible, isn't it? Yes, it is horrible.
It was this girl the other night.
Fuck! Whoa! Have you been bashing it about? I haven't been bashing it about.
Why does it look like that? Think she had a piercing.
Oh, dude.
Or a scab.
I hope it wasn't a scab.
That looks really sore, man.
Bloody is sore.
Had any cream on it? I've had a cortisone.
It's not working.
All right.
Yeah.
Whoa! Yeah.
There! Balls as well.
Look at that! Let's put it away now.
It's spreading.
All right.
Let's just sheave it.
Sorry.
You don't mind, do you? You've done it.
Of course I mind, it's wildly unprofessional.
I'm supposed to What? That's fatherhood for you.
Fuckin' unbelievable! Rubbish.
I'm telling you.
He'll back me up.
Two separate occasions? Two separate occasions.
Same otter? Will you tell her the story? You just told her.
Terry Nutkins, the bloke from The Really Wild Show got his finger bitten off by an otter.
Went back a year later, same otter bit the other finger off.
There is no way this happened.
It happened.
Dozy bugger.
It's bitten him once.
What's he stickin' it in again for? Aye-aye.
She don't look like she's in the right pub.
I'm not here.
Get rid of her.
Hello, boys.
You're after Tommo, are you? He's just gone.
He just ran over there.
I'm not shaggin' her.
You can use the disabled toilet.
He can't.
There's 26 satellite dishes in there.
And by the way, I want them moved.
Mm.
Hi, Tommo.
'Ey up, Daffne.
You dropped something? While you're down there It's all right.
It's Vinnie I want.
Hm? So, go on, what can we do for you? Business, Vinnie.
I hear that you're a man that can get things done, so how about you buy me a drink and I'll tell you my proposition? What do you want? A pint of cider? G&T would be lovely.
Plenty of ice, go easy on the tonic and give me a twist of lemon.
As you're aware, my husband, he's a very unpleasant man.
He's manipulative, conniving .
.
sexually immoral.
Yeah, I can vouch for that.
And we're currently engaged in a very bitter and acrimonious maintenance battle.
The bastard won't pay me what he should.
Not to me or to my kids.
His own flesh and blood.
He's denying them the basics.
I wanna hit him where it fuckin' hurts.
His fish.
His fish? Koi carp.
He keeps them in a special aquarium in a fish shed since the divorce.
Involving his fish is a bit harsh.
Those fish broke up our marriage.
Well, that and the prostitutes, and the doggin'.
I mean, he'd shag the bloody things if it wasn't illegal.
I don't I don't think it is illegal.
It's got to be, man.
Bestiality, summat like that.
And how would you even do that? Where would it go? I'm googling it.
JJ, stop googling shit like that, man.
Someone checks your phone, you're gonna be in trouble.
We've had this chat.
What do you want us to do? Rob 'em or what? Rob 'em? No.
I want them dead.
Dead? Dead.
Well, the thing is, we're thieves, primarily.
Fish murder doesn't come under our remit.
You know what I mean? You go fishing.
He's always at it.
That's not the same.
Why not? Because I either eat them or throw them back.
Well, eat these.
Mount them on the wall.
I don't care.
I just want them dead because Well, because of everything that man's ever put me through.
What are you doin'? I'm sorry.
Stop doin' that.
Are you tryin' to cry? Pardon? Are you pretending to cry? Pardon? You don't have to do that, we'll kill his fish.
What? Will we? Yeah, but we need more than that.
This now.
Same again when it's done.
Deal? Deal.
Call me when it's done.
Mm.
Tommojust call me.
Yeah, it's pretty much illegal.
Bloke did it with a dolphin once.
Mm.
Hired killers now, are we? No, because I was thinking, we're gonna sell them fish.
If he's an enthusiast, they're gonna be good quality.
Ask him.
Yeah? So, we nick 'em, sell 'em, tell her they're dead, easy money.
Who's payin' for her drink? Tommo Is this a good idea? Of course.
It's practically free money.
If we're gonna pay McCann back, we need help.
Which is why I'm doing Do you need that blue badge? No, I've got last year's.
In case you need remindin', stealin' a small animal landed us in the shit we're in now.
This is different.
How is it different? Because we know Bishop.
Well, Tommo knows Bishop.
I mean, essentially he's a knob head.
He's a fish enthusiast who likes getting spanked.
Yeah, right, well, I'll catch you later.
We'll talk logistics.
Can I just use your bog for a quick pee? Hiya.
Hi.
You all right? Hi.
Just doing some revision.
Stick t'kettle on.
I thought you just needed a pee.
While I'm here, you know what I mean No wonder you're always pissin'.
All right, babe.
Right, this has to stop.
What? You appearin'.
Stop ignoring me.
I'm not ignoring you.
You're like a fuckin' stalker.
Because I wanna see him.
You can't.
Erin.
No.
Look, things go on as they were no-one knows and no-one will.
Honestly, for a second, just imagine how he'd feel.
He doesn't have to know.
I'm after one day.
One day as Uncle Vinnie.
Fuck's sake.
I wish I'd never told you now.
You should have told me six fuckin' year ago.
I'm after one day.
No.
You'll end up telling him, Vin, and it'll screw with his head.
I'm not gonna tell - It will screw with his head.
He doesn't know who his dad is.
The only man he needs in his life is your best mate.
What about the one that grows in your belly? The one he doesn't even know about? That's none of your fuckin' business.
I know, but he has a right to know, Erin.
Why has he? Why? Has he ever once expressed his desire to have a child with me? To be a father? To be responsible? No.
Erin? Brew's ready.
OK.
One day.
I'll think about it.
So, who's this bloody buyer, then? Just a bloke online.
He does a podcast.
Oh, man, I love it.
You listen to a fishing podcast do you? Yeah.
It's not just fishing.
There's golf, there's TT's, Taekwondo as well.
Do they do one for S&M? How much is he paying? Well, it depends.
On what? Bloodline.
Bloodline? Yeah.
Well, you know, pedigree.
It's like dogs, bruv.
Top quality koi carp.
They've got a desirable bloodline.
All right, nuts and bolts.
How we gonna steal 'em? OK.
Main thing, and I know it might sound obvious, but gotta keep them alive, yeah? Transporting fish from a fish shed to here is fraught with problems.
Lesson No.
1, boys: Fish hate volatility.
Don't we all? Well, count me out, I'm playing poker and I need to prepare.
Typical.
I'm in.
What do we need? We need tanks, filters, pumps.
It needs setting up in that van before we lift the carp.
How much is that gonna cost? Well, a lot.
There's no point doing the job if it's that much outlay, is there? Why don't we just kill 'em? Yeah.
Why don't we just kill 'em? No, listen.
There will be profit.
There'll be profit.
If they're good fish, a grand a piece.
A grand a? A grand a piece? A grand? My spanking bench was only 600 and that's stainless steel.
I still don't fancy shelling out for all that gear.
Shit.
I've had an idea.
Does Jim still have Pinky and Perky? Certainly not Pinky and Perky.
Yeah.
Definitely, yeah.
Mate, you're insane.
They fractured Cardi's shoulder.
Where is the fat chuff anyway? Underwater Love # This is it # Underwater love # It's so deep # So beautiful # After the rain comes sun # After the sun comes rain again # After the rain comes sun # After the sun comes rain again This must be underwater love Guess who? Er, soft hands.
Faint whiff of hummus.
Jake.
You all right? Yeah.
So, proposition for you.
Er, go on.
How do you fancy being my girlfriend? Just for the day, fake girlfriend.
No sex necessary, unless you absolutely insist.
Why do you need a fake girlfriend? For a wedding.
My cousin.
They asked months ago if I was bringing someone and I said I was seeing a girl called Meghan.
Meghan? Yeah.
How very royal.
Mm-hm.
So, you're seriously asking me to be Meghan for the day? Yeah.
Free food, free booze.
You get to wear a nice dress and hang out in a posh hotel in Wilmslow.
When is it? Saturday.
Can't.
Come on, it'll be fun.
My cousin's fiance's Scottish.
All the men are wearing kilts.
Are you gonna miss seeing me in a kilt? Sorry.
Saturday's out.
Send me a photo.
Bye.
Bye.
Blockbuster I'm bringing these back.
They're geese.
I want my money back.
But we don't sell geese.
I've got the receipts.
I mean, not on me but, you know, somewhere.
Think about going and getting your manager.
You can have these back.
Yeah.
Get out of here! Mental.
Crazy.
Get 'em! Hey! I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to get those geese out of the store.
You sold 'em to me, sunshine.
You neglected to mention they're vicious.
We don't sell geese.
We sell rabbits and we sell hamsters and Grab him.
Ow! Hey, Curly-Sue, getting up in my grill.
Liam! Don't flick my badge.
Don't flick my badge.
I'll flick your badge again, mate.
Don't flick my badge.
I'll flick your badge all day.
He's going for it.
What about Tommo? Never mind him.
He's having a great time.
Come on.
Can I at least have a credit note? Right, as fast as you can.
I'll ring if anyone arrives back.
Just need a little push.
Code.
Er, zero-two-two-six.
Asia's longest-living fish: Koi Hanako.
It's got this amazing - Just get the fish.
Wow.
This is Oh, man, look at how perfect they are.
Oh, he's done such a good job.
This is the work of a true fish-lover, this.
I've got to be honest, I'm not sure I can take 'em.
You what? It's not right.
I mean, look at them, the beauty that he's created.
He comes in here and he's happy.
He's truly happy.
Give me the chuffin' bucket! Mm.
No, no, no.
Go back inside.
Perfect.
Oh, man, these are such beautiful fish.
You googled it, dick-head, it's illegal.
Yeah? How long you gonna be? Got a nosy neighbour who's in the gate.
How long we gonna be? Two minutes.
Two minutes.
Shit.
I'll have to head him off.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Sorry to bother you.
It's all right.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I'm just looking for Mount View Crescent.
Mount View Crescent? Never heard of it.
I'm tryin' to find my nan's house.
Bloody sat's brought me down the wrong way.
You don't know where it is? Never heard of it.
Oh! What is it? Are you OK? Where's the pain? It's just down my side there.
Is it a sharp pain? It is a sharp pain, yeah.
It's, I don't know, a twisted bowel.
Oh.
Yes, it's how my dad went.
Can I do anything for you? Whoa! You're gonna have to ring an ambulance.
You're gonna have to ring an ambulance.
An ambulance? Yeah.
L-L-Look, erm, yes, yes.
I will, yes.
Stay there.
Thanks, man.
Thank you.
Shit.
Ash, come on.
Get a shift on, mate.
Oi! You chaps! I'm calling the police! Maureen! Maureen! Intruders! Stay indoors and call the authorities! They could be armed.
Don't come out here, whatever you do! Liar! Maureen, it's thieves.
Dial 999.
Vinnie, slow down, man.
There's water splashing everywhere.
You're gonna have one flopping out.
How am I gonna get away at this speed? I'm really sorry, fishes.
Please don't die, yeah? Any chance of stopping for chips on the way home, Vin? So what if I said I wanted a grand a fish? I'd laugh in your face.
You can piss off.
You want these swimmers.
Especially, that big fella there.
Look, these three, they're not worth much, common as chip paper.
Now, these two, nice fish, unusual, but These four: her, her, her, and especially her, they're the sweethearts.
Give you two grand for the lot.
Eight.
Three.
Seven.
Four.
Six.
May God strike me dead.
I swear to God I won't take a penny less.
Five.
Done.
So, er, what days are you open down here? Hm? Paid to kill 'em.
Paid to bloody sell 'em.
That's double-bubble.
I'm a bloody genius.
Fish genius is what I am.
Change your tuna.
Oh.
You're giving me a haddock.
Oh, Christ.
Headache.
It's bloody awful.
As good as his tuna one.
Bloody terrible, Kath.
Listen, you need to smash that poker tournament tomorrow.
We'll be rolling in it.
We'll pay McCann what we owe him.
We might even have a bit of money left over.
Argh! What's up with you? Hardwicke! Oi! Russell Hardwicke! Stop banging on stuff.
Come here.
Fuckin' hell's teeth.
Come here.
I've worked hard for it and I was earning money.
All right.
Now listen.
Listen to me.
Calm down a bit.
What's going on? He kicked me up the arse, he stole all my money, he called me a peasant.
All right, listen.
Listen to me.
Just tell me what happened.
I was s-selling the golf balls I recovered.
Yeah.
And everything w-was going well.
And then he turns up, the orange prick.
Oi.
They're mine.
My balls.
I found them.
Get off my golf course now.
No, that's mine.
You fat, fucking peasant.
Mate, all right, come on.
Give me a love.
It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.
I wanted to earn money to help with McCann.
And you did.
You did earn money to help with McCann.
Listen to me.
He's a knob head and we're gonna sort him out.
But we can't do that tonight.
Do you know why? Cos we're celebrating.
Gonna get you a beer.
Gonna get you a kebab later.
You're not even supposed to have them.
Cardi, get a bloody round in.
Come here.
Stick that in your gob.
Yeah.
Today is a good day.
Come on now.
Blister In The Sun There they are, them are the buggers.
Tommo.
Got you, you fucker.
Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Right, I am off on this poker trip.
When are you back? Tomorrow morning.
Will you win millions? Probablybillions! Rargh! I'm gonna come back tomorrow, yeah? I'm gonna pull out a massive pile of notes.
We'll toss 'em in the air, and any you can grab before your mum, you can keep.
No chance.
They're mine.
Mine.
Fight you for it.
Have a good day, yeah, my man.
Call you later.
Bye.
Love you.
Bye.
Love you.
Play well.
Play bad.
Right so today you got a play-date with your Auntie Kath.
That'll be fun, won't it? Have you? No, darling, no.
Mummy's got important, boring things to do.
But, it'll be fun.
You can eat crisps and drink lots of beer.
Not loads though.
OK.
OK.
Mm.
Need A Little Time # I don't know a lot about you # But you seem to know a lot about me # So I take a little time out Erin.
Shall we? I'm just gonna nip to the toilet.
I'll be two minutes.
# I'm sorry that I lost my patience # You deserve better, it's true # I need a little time out # I need a little time out from me # Me # Me # Me and you # You # Yo-o-o-o-ou Oo-oo-ooh Hello? Right.
Tyler today.
Pick him up from Cass, you can have him till bedtime.
No, wait.
I didn't get to bed till four.
Do you wanna have him or not? Yeah, but if you'd have If you'd have told me, I wouldn't have mixed booze and pills.
All right, well, have fun.
We can work out what we'll tell Dylan later, OK? All right.
Here he is! Hey! There he is! Oh, fuckin' hell, my head.
# You sang your swan song to the dogs # Cos they made mincemeat of the dreams you hung your hopes on # So you cut it out, well, your sins cost # While money talks to your conscience # Looking like a fool for love # Dear life, I'm holding on # Dear life # I'm holding on # How long must I wait Before the thrill is gone? You're killin' it, killin' it! No hands.
All right, say bye to Auntie Kath.
Bye.
Bye.
See you later.
What does Mummy not let you do? Blue ice cream? Blue ice cream? We can do better than blue ice cream.
What aboutride a tractor? Or shoot a gun? Let's go and rob that bank over the road Can I go to your house, in the woods? I love it there.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Don't wanna rob the bank? No.
Loads of money in it.
Let's go and get a pastie.
Wow! Look at this place.
They're loaded.
All right, then, Meghan.
Come meet the family.
Get off! Get off! Nobody gets my biscuits.
Give me here! No, don't.
Don't.
Piglet! Hang on, dude.
Piglet nips.
You all right, mate? Don't call me "mate", arsehole.
Who's this? I've got 'em.
Hm.
Tommo.
Tied up in a secure location.
You don't get him back until I get my Renee.
Renee? The The fish you stole.
All right, well What makes you think it was us? CCTV.
Shit.
And Tommo admitted it under questioning.
Course he has.
You've done your research clearly.
Go on, what do you want? I want her back.
Hm.
And the others.
But, Renee .
.
she's a princess.
Well, look, Mr Bishop, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure how much Tommo's told you, but she's died.
What? Yeah.
Your ex paid us to kill 'em, so Yeah.
She kinda fell out of this bucket and then she was floundering around on the pavement.
She bashed her own head in, you see and we tried to get her back in, but it was too late.
She just suffocated.
Ju-Just I'm, in this moment, I should have softened the blow.
I should I should've lied.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
Hello? That's not good.
You killed Renee? Mm.
No, she went on holiday.
Go and get a biscuit.
No point.
You know where he lives.
I say we go round to his gaff and just ask him nicely to give us Tommo back.
We can't go round there without Renee.
I'm tellin' you he's tapped.
How's he managed to kidnap Tommo? He's got a slate loose.
What's the odds on getting 'em back off the buyer? Zero.
Well, then, just nick 'em back.
Mate, I don't even know where he lives.
Fuck! I can't What she look like? She's a fish.
Speckled.
We could replace her.
You can't just replace Cardi, they're rare.
We're not just gonna find one in your nan's pond.
You know what I mean? Golf course.
Eh? Russell Hardwicke's pond, there's loads of carp in there.
Are you serious? Are you sure they're carp? Of course I'm sure.
They're morons.
They've been g-g-getting in my way all week.
How many are there? Ponds or carp? Oh, for God's sake, carp.
Hundreds.
Hundreds? That's gotta be worth a shot.
We need that McCann money.
Are there any white with red spots? Get your diving gear.
No way.
I'm not going back.
Get your diving gear.
This is your revenge on Hardwicke.
He called you a fat peasant.
N-No, way.
Just lend us the gear and he can do it.
I'm not doing it.
JJ, you're the fish freak.
I don't know what I am doing.
No.
Are you flippin' kidding me? Ashley - I actually can't because I've got a date to go on.
You haven't got a date, have you? I'll steal 'em.
Handsome.
Will you? Right, get your coat on.
Right, Cardi, we need that suit.
What? For him? Not for him, you moron, for me.
There's no time.
It's not gonna fit on him, he's only a child.
No time.
It's tiny.
It's not for him.
You OK? Yeah.
Comin' in with me? No.
Are you havin' a bloody laugh? It's your idea.
I haven't got my swim trunks.
Good point.
You keep watch then.
He's bloody useless.
# Ain't no fish, Ain't no flounder # Ain't no tuna, Ain't no fish Holy mackerel, Somedays there's fish Have you got a girlfriend? Eurgh! No, me neither.
Fake girlfriend, eh? Was that your plan? Get me here, make your move? Or did you wanna show me how the other half live? I just thought it might be fun.
It's not even that I'm envious of it, or I wish I'd been born into it.
I just don't see why I can't have the opportunities you lot have got.
To come to places like this, and talk about the stuff you all talk about, without feeling like an imposter.
You're not.
I am.
And no matter how much I educate myself, I'll never belong.
Because people like me make shit decisions.
Shit decisions, shit mistakes.
That's rubbish.
Anyone can change their life.
They can.
You can rise up, just like you can drop down.
Of course, you're gonna say that, cos life's taught you anything's possible.
You think, I've had You think I've had everything easy? Yeah.
Well, for one, you try being this colour, in this country.
What I'm saying is anything is possible.
It's about the choices you make.
You're doing everything right.
Am I? Yes.
You are.
Look, this isn't about me, it's about you and where you wanna be in five years.
Write it down.
Actually do it.
Write it on some paper, fold it up, put it in your purse.
Then make every single decision get you to that place.
You're a beautiful .
.
brilliant girl Woman.
Woman.
Yes.
Woman, sorry.
Woman.
After you, madame.
There not as good, man.
There not as unusual.
They keep swimming off.
Yeah, they're fish, man.
They'll do that.
I need some help.
I already told you, man, there's no way I'm getting into this lake.
It's bloody freezing.
I'm gonna fuckin' kill him, man.
Bloody shit.
Where's that kid? I'm freezing.
You fell in the water.
I didn't fall.
He slipped right in, didn't he? # And they might say it was about diarrhoea # Diarrhoea, I have diarrhoea # With flies inside and olives and olives All right, listen, listen.
Stop, stop.
Stop your diarrhoea song.
Listen to me.
We're gonna take the fish to his backyard and put them in his tank.
Then we're gonna have a word about letting Tommo go.
Are you gonna stay here or come with us? He's five, man.
You can't leave him here alone.
You're doing your first break in and entry.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on, then.
It's not workin', is it? No, man.
Try it again.
Zero-two-two-six.
Zero-two-two-six.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Come out.
I can see you.
And I'm warning you, I am armed.
All right.
All right, we're coming out.
Listen, we brought you some carp there as a pea What are you wearing? As a peace offering.
Just have a look, they're nice.
They're not Renee.
Will you calm down a bit? I've got a little lad with me here.
Put the ornamental sword down.
Let's have a chat.
It's not ornamental.
It looks ornamental.
It's not.
I have got some ornamental ones but this is real.
From over there, it looks ornamental.
It's not fucking ornamental.
Will you mind your language? Sorry.
Your dad keeps saying this is ornamental.
It's not ornamental.
He's not my dad.
Look at this.
What's ornamental? Pretend.
Where's Tommo? Wouldn't you like to know? Yeah, I would.
I'm in here.
Tom? Come here, you.
Step away.
Come here.
Simmer down.
Wanna check he's all right.
What are them shoes all about? Come on.
Have you locked him in here? A delicate garden shed.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, for God's sake.
Why didn't you break out? And why are you half-naked? That bitch woman.
Puttin' a hit out on my Renee.
And you two murderers.
I'll take your heads clean off.
How'd you like that? Not with that.
It's ornamental.
It is not ornamental.
It looks ornamental.
It's not ornamental! It looks ornamental.
It looks it.
It isn't! Mr Bishop, just calm down, OK? Just, can you please look at the fish? All right.
They're a good pedigree, man.
And Man to man, yeah.
I know how you feel about Renee.
I know she was precious.
And I know she can't be replaced, but you know a heart's a fickle beast, Mr Bishop.
Maybe, and this is a big maybe, right? Give it a bit time.
One of these lovely, little ladies will help you fill that void.
Mm? Yeah, all right.
It's cold out, isn't it? There's a good lad.
Gimme them.
I'll do it.
You're gonna do it? Yeah.
You had a good time? The best.
Yeah? Yeah.
We played monsters.
And we had a sword fight.
Yeah, don't tell your mum that.
Here she is.
You should be in bed.
Sorry, we had a bit too much fun.
Right, go on, baby.
Put your jamas on.
No, no, no.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come here right now and give me a snuggle.
Go on.
Quick.
Right, I'll see you soon.
Yeah.
All right.
Good lad.
Go on, get in.
Do as your mum says.
It's bloody freezing.
I'll be up in a minute, OK? Yeah.
So? Where have you been with him? In fact, don't even bother.
I know where you've been with him, cos Kath told me.
Nickin' fish.
He had a good time.
That's your day with him, is it? You asked for a day, I give you a day and you introduce him to a world of petty crime! You look nice.
Where have you been? A wedding.
A wedding? Mm-hm, as a fake girlfriend for a day.
Favour to a friend.
And, no, before you ask, Dylan didn't know.
It was that Jake, was it? Yeah.
Dry run, to see how it feels? No.
Then why the fuck do it, then? Because I felt like being someone else for the day, Vin.
He loves you, you know? Dylan.
He's an idiot and I know he doesn't tell you.
He doesn't tell you how he feels, but he does.
He worships the ground you walk on.
Trouble is, Vin, he loves you too.
How can I not be a part of that kid's life, Erin? I can keep me gob shut about not being his real dad, but I need days like this.
You're gonna move You're gonna move away, you're gonna piss off.
I am.
I have to.
I've never felt this way about anyone since my mum.
I really love him.
You're breaking my heart, you are.
I don't want you to leave.
I mean, I definitely don't want Dylan to go To take Tyler, to take him away from me I like how I'm third on your list Please, Erin.
I'm sorry.
It's written down, all right.
It's a life I wanna live.
Yeah.
Vinnie Vin I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself # I just don't know what to do with myself # I don't know what to do with myself # Planning everything for two # Doing everything with you # And now that we're through I just don't know what to do Oi! Arsehole! Do you mind telling me why my husband is sending me WhatsAppss with this on them? I don't know.
Let me have a look.
Christ! What is it? What is it? It's a fuckin' 35 grand fish, that's what it is.
What? Super rare.
Now he's acting like he's grown a second dick.
He says you got it for him.
I paid you to piss him off, not make his fuckin' year.
Well, I want it all back.
Every last penny, you useless, fucking fish killer.
# Like a summer rose # Needs the sun and rain # I need your sweet love To beat love away Let's have a big round of applause for our principal ballerina Cardi! You all right? What's this ball bag doing here? He's meant to be down for an eight-stretch.
No-one wants to see Ronnie Croft thrive.
He wreaks havoc.
Argh! He ruins lives.
Please tell me this is some fucked-up sex thing.
That's what I just said.
On the ground! Get on the ground now! It's so stupid no-one'd think anyone would be daft enough to try it.
I Got So Much Trouble In My Mind # I got so much trouble in my mind # I got so much trouble in my mind # I got so much trouble in my mind # Give me the strength to carry on # Give me the strength # To carry on Cos everything I got is just about gone AccessibleCustomerService@sky.
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