Breeders (2020) s01e03 Episode Script

No Accident

1 ♪♪ - I need a poo! - I know, darling.
You said that 14 times already.
It's literally all I can think about.
- Can we go there? - No.
- Why not? - Because it's a shop selling designer luggage and we have no money.
We never go anywhere anyway, so.
- Oi! - Can I go inside? - It looks amazing.
- No, it's not amazing.
We need to get home.
Come here or I'll shoot you.
That's murder.
No, this right now, this is murder.
Come on, we need to get home before Ava has an accident.
I'm gonna poo my pants like a big pig.
Pigs don't wear pants.
Is this where your dad needs to go? No.
Mum, mum, come back here.
Stop wandering off.
We know where we're going.
I know where we're going.
It's just up here.
It's the foot department, for one.
Foot-checking department.
Big old hospital, this.
There's no foot-checking department, you're just having your ankle looked at by the physio.
- My mum, your gran.
- Yeah.
Used to have a chiropodist visit.
She was housebound, so this foot fella - came to the house.
- Mmhmm.
And the priest would be round to say mass.
Oh, man.
- And the Corona lorry.
- Yeah.
Fizzy drinks.
Laundry van for sheets.
Fuck me.
Hold it in, sweetheart.
Quick, quick, I need to go! - Hurry up! - Right.
There we go.
Upstairs, straight to the toilet.
Jellyfish sting is a thing, but pissing on a bee sting, that's a whole new territory.
- Hey, sweetheart.
Don't worry, these awful bastards are on their way.
Guys, Ally.
- Ally, these awful bastards.
- ALL: Hiya.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Ava, up you go for a poo.
Shout down when you need wiping.
- Careful on the stairs.
- Okay! Well, fantastic meal, Mike.
Happy you enjoyed it.
So, Lamb and Flag tonight.
I might need a little help with the dirty business.
No, no, we've got you covered, mate.
Just no single malts.
All right, agreed.
Brandy it is.
On your way.
- See you soon.
- Oh, no, no, no, I'll clear that up in a second.
Were those the same men that were eating lunch - here yesterday? - Yeah, a couple of them.
It's nice to give a meal to people.
They're always buying me drinks down at the pub.
Fucking hell, Michael, you've used up all the food again.
Why didn't you just call me when I was at the shops, 'cause I was literally just at the shops.
Well, I have a minor issue with phone credit, and with not actually having a phone any more.
Now have you found a room yet or? I'm getting there.
Believe me, I want to be out of your hair every bit as much as you want me to go.
I don't want you to go, particularly, it's just I need to hear about the National Insurance thing, find out what pension money I can claim.
- Right.
- Once I know how much I'm getting, I'll move into whatever place I can afford, as God as my witness.
I mean, you are welcome to stay here, obviously.
It's just at the same time, you aren't.
- Does that make sense? - [CHUCKLES.]
We don't want you living anywhere too shitty.
- I've finished my messy poo! - You know what I mean.
- Coming! Oh, don't forget mum's babysitting tonight, so please make yourself invisible.
Do you want a tea from the machine while we wait for your dad to have his doings seen to? Can we get a decent coffee from over the road? The machine's stuff always tastes a bit like - Piss.
- Yeah.
Hot piss, that burns the roof of your mouth.
I want some nice fair-trade piss from the caff.
- Do they do tea? - Yeah, of course they do.
No, I mean do they do it properly with loose leaves in a nice tea - [HORN HONKING, SIREN WAILING.]
- Mum! - Oh! - Fuck! You just stepped in front of an ambulance.
Oh, I never! - You've broke my arm.
- I haven't.
- You've fractured me.
- No, I haven't.
I was saving her life.
- It's fine, mate.
- Dear! You didn't see the big ambulance? It don't half hurt.
Well, I'm sorry about this.
Let me take this.
We're gonna have a sit down.
- What, in there? - Probably in there, yeah, in the hospital.
There you go.
Jesus Christ.
I was with Paul, just out the front there, and he went for me.
Grab her, she means, to save her.
He went for me arm, and me stomach.
No, don't say "went for.
" I was stopping you getting run over.
If you could let your mother speak, please, Mr.
What? I was With respect, I wasn't stopping her from speaking.
I just want to hear what happened in Jackie's own words.
Yeah, me too.
I'm trying to facilitate that so we're all on the same page here.
- I'm very clumsy, aren't I? - Yes, you are, but don't say that like I've asked you to say Don't look at me; look at her.
He hasn't ordered me to say anything, Doctor.
I'm under no threat of any more violence.
- "Any more vi" Christ.
- I might ask you to step into that cubical down the call, Mrs.
I'll have a colleague give you a further examination and see if there's any other bruising.
I hope you don't think it's Paul's fault I got hurt.
We just need to look you over, give you a bit of an MOT.
This is a kind son, really.
Although he did once smack me in the face with a spade.
Plastic one, not a Don't say that, Mum.
Christ, it was tiny and plastic and for making sandcastles.
It was an accident, I was three.
You could have had me eye out.
He used to love being all nude on the beach - when he was a toddler.
- Christ.
Running round with his funny little prawn - out for all to see.
- Oh, man.
My colleague will be with you shortly.
Thank you.
She really was about to get run over.
- How's your son, Mr.
Worsley? - My s Luke, you mean? Yes, he's fine, thanks.
How do you We've seen you before, right, with Luke? - Yeah.
Quite a few times.
- Mm-hmm.
Doctor? Hi, our baby fell off the sofa.
Yeah, he's hit his head.
We left the room for one second, - and he slipped off.
- We put lots of cushions around him.
- But - I'm sure he'll be fine.
- Come with me.
- Thank you.
Doctor! He flew out the swing.
I wasn't pushing him hard at all.
He's got quite weak arms, for a man.
- What? - Come this way.
Hi, he put his Spiderman mask on backwards and ran into the bin.
Hold on, mate.
It's alright, darling.
Excuse me, mate.
Broken child here, mate.
- Thanks.
- Ow.
- It's seems like Luke's right shoulder has been dislocated.
We were swinging him by his arms.
In a fun way.
Yeah, you know when you each take a hand and you lift them up and you swing them.
Yeah, no.
Uh, well, Luke is fine, thank you for asking.
Very well, in fact.
Quite the catalogue of accidents.
Oh, I wouldn't say catalogue.
Pamphlet, maybe, a leaflet.
Everyone else in the family well? Yeah, my dad's here, currently.
He had a fall.
That was nothing to do with me.
Not that my mum's injuries are to do with me.
I mean they are to do with me, 'cause I caused them, but for the right reason.
Well, my colleague will check out your mum's bruises and see if any treatment is needed.
♪♪ - Paul.
- Yeah, come in.
- Thanks for doing this.
- You're welcome.
Been trying to get a table at this place for months.
Apparently they do things with scallops beyond human imagining.
Hi, Mum.
There's not much food but you can give the kids spaghetti with butter and Marmite or sardines and Ryvita, sorry.
- Where is he? - Who? Him.
Your father.
I smell Green Irish Tweed cologne and brown leather.
I'm wearing aftershave, it might be that.
- I just bleached the sink.
- He's here.
Why have you got that big shit in your house? - Michael isn't here.
- He is.
- Michael isn't here.
- See? He's at the pub with his friends and he won't be back until very late.
Right, I can't be in a house that man is staying in.
- Leah.
- Ugh! Twat.
We'd be on the grilled sea bass by now if it wasn't for Luke.
Do we need onions? We need everything.
We have no food.
Michael has fed the 5,000 and 3,000 of them had seconds.
What, so are we all having Spaghetti with butter and Marmite, yeah.
It's that or Shreddies avec Thai red curry sauce.
I'll order a fridge full of food.
- Tom and Jerry fridge full.
Big ham and a shiny roast turkey and a trifle and a cheese with massive holes in it.
Luke, Ava, dinner's ready! Coming! Oi, slow down, careful on the stairs.
Michael was talking about moving out today.
Okay, good.
- Do you want him gone? - Hmm.
Ava, what cheese do you want from the shop? Monkey bum cheese.
Right, and if they haven't got that? She likes Red Leicester.
I don't know if I want him gone.
Most of my life I've been wanting him to come back.
Luke, dinner's ready! Luke, down here now, you little sod! You're already in my bad books.
Coming in a second! No, not in a second, mate, now.
Quick smart or your dinner goes in the bin, run! Hurry! Hurry, hurry! [PANTING, GASPS.]
- Ah! [WAILING.]
- Shit.
Ah! Ow! Ow! - [CRYING.]
Ow! - All right.
- You're mad.
- No, Ally, I'm serious.
I'm deadly serious.
We can't take him to hospital.
It hurts! We are taking Luke to hospital.
No! The doctor made it very clear.
They already suspect that we are dodgy.
Now if we go in again with another injury, another accident - But it was an accident! - Ow! Do you really think they're gonna take Luke into care? Yes, yes I do.
Or he'll have to live with foster parents.
- They'll probably be vegans.
- Oh, Paul.
- He hates chickpeas.
- Just calm down, calm down.
Right, what do you suggest we do then? Look, if it is broken, [EXHALES.]
can we set the bone ourselves? Okay.
How would we know if it was broken and now would we reset a bone? YouTube! Everything's on YouTube.
It's how I fixed the toilet.
We could end up permanently disabling our son! Yes I know, but it's either that or "Hello, King Herod, back again?" Oh, Christ.
- All right.
Come on then, mate.
- Come on, darling.
- Ow! - Ow.
- Okay.
All right.
All right.
- It's okay, Luke.
We're gonna go in and get your foot mended, okay? Yes, yes, listen, mate.
You've got to tell them that Mummy and Daddy had nothing to do with this, all right? 'Cause we wouldn't hurt you, we love you, don't we? But you were running when you shouldn't have been.
But you shouted at me to run, "Hurry, hurry, hurry.
" Okay, well I'm sorry about that.
So really it's your fault I slipped.
Listen, mate, if you'd come down your fucking dinner when All right.
I'm sorry I shouted.
Don't tell the doctor I shouted, okay? Just think about what you're saying if they ask you - any questions, Luke.
- Mmhmm.
If I don't, will you shoot me like you said? - Yeah.
- [SIGHS.]
Come on.
- It hurts! - I know, sit back.
Ow, ow.
Dimitrescu? Ah.
What seems to be the problem with this young man? Running when he shouldn't have been? [FORCED CHUCKLING.]
- So, a bad sprain.
- Yes.
A few days off from school.
- Yay! - And RICE therapy.
Rest, ice, compression, elevation.
Luke should be better soon.
Well, that is a relief.
Yes, that is.
Thanks, Doctor.
And I'm going to ask that someone visit you.
Just to chat about child safety in and around the house.
Just to see if we can't make things a little less dangerous for Luke and Ava.
S I'm sorry, do you mean the Social Services are gonna visit? It is the local authority's children services department will be visiting, yes.
We're gonna get a visit from Social Services? Hmm.
Okay, well thanks, shall we Come here, mate.
I'm so ashamed.
We've got fucking social workers coming, Paul.
- No, I know, I heard.
- They're coming around to our house.
I mean that is serious, serious shit.
We need to change how we are with the kids.
- You mean I need to change.
- No.
We need to change.
That's why I said "we" and not "you.
" Yeah, but I'm the one that shouts at them, aren't I? I'm the rager.
I'm Hair Trigger Harry, I'm the one who made Luke run down the stairs.
Ally, I'm I'm not an abuser, am I? - Of course not.
- I mean I'd never hit them.
Luke's just had a lot of accidents.
Well, some psychologists would say that nothing is ever really an accident.
I have never beaten you.
An adult shouldn't beat a child, that's my motto.
Not really sure you can claim that as yours.
I sometimes smacked you.
Back of the legs, fine.
And your mam hit you.
Women are allowed to hit.
But you were never beaten.
Many thanks.
Though it is a fine distinction.
- No, beating involves a shoe.
- Oh, it does? Right, that's the UN definition, is it? Well, a weapon of some kind.
Shoe, slipper, leather belt.
Ideally it's something you can wear so you always have it with you.
- You don't hit your two, do you? - No.
Of course no.
Non-psychopaths don't hit their children these days.
I mean I want to sometimes, Jesus.
Of course you do.
Humans have walloped the living shit out of our kids since caveman-times.
Right up until Live Aid.
It's only in this last generation it's all changed.
Yeah, it was always wrong, Dad.
You can't teach right and wrong through violence.
No? No, I mean sometimes you can, I guess.
Maybe a swift wallop is better than taking the iPad away for a week or no chocolate for a month or whatever.
It's quicker, but I couldn't physically hurt my kids.
♪♪ Do you think I'm subconsciously hurting Luke? - Oh, don't be daft.
- No, seriously.
Maybe I want to hit him sometimes, like I was hit, but I know I can't, so I hurt him in other ways, subconsciously via swings or stairs, or a dislocated shoulder.
We both dislocated Luke's shoulder.
That's sweet of you to say.
Look, we are, we're in shock.
We just need to get some sleep.
Do you reckon they'll go through the bins? - See how much we drink? - I don't know, Paul.
I really don't, 'cause I never been in a fucking Ken Loach film like this before.
♪♪ Oh, it comes around again, doesn't it? - What's that, Carl? - Bin day.
You think it can't be a week since I last put the recycling out, but of course, it always is.
You can't fight time.
- Carl, can we ask a favor? - Of course, I'll be quiet.
No, no, it's not it's can we put some of our bottles in your recycling? Uh, of course.
Yeah, I've only got an olive oil bottle, a couple of Nutella jars.
Should be fine.
Thanks a lot.
We've got some People coming round.
Not to inspect us, just to observe.
- Is it the Social Services? - What? Why do you say that? Well it's just sometimes you shout, Paul.
At Luke and Ava, and people can hear, neighbors, and you swear sometimes, and I know certain people have thoughts about maybe calling Are they talking about me? About whether or not I'm a good father? Fuckers in this terrace, are they bitching about me? Bitching's a strong word, but probably the right one.
I don't need strangers to tell me I'm a bad father, I've got myself and the Social Services to do that.
- How's your fridge? - How do you mean? Well my sister had a visit when she was married to a sociopathic narcissist, no comparison intended, and she said they checked the fridge for food, what your kids will eat tonight, what they'll eat in the morning.
Well, it's empty, currently.
But we have got another delivery coming, fuck, right about now.
Hun, we can't let them see how the fridge is now.
It looks like a fridge you'd leave by the road.
- Thank you, Carl.
- Good luck.
And if you need a character witness, tell them to call the Nokia, number's in my newsletter.
What's what's this? It was in the recycling.
- What's what? - Hmm? - Oh.
- Oh? You're not eligible for any state pension because you didn't pay your stamp for long enough.
- Were you gonna tell us? - Sure, tonight.
I don't know how this got in the recycling.
I must have just put it in there by accident.
Some psychologists say there are no accidents.
Then they're morons.
So you have no money at all, and no prospect of any money at all.
I'll find a place.
Don't worry.
I'll take a job Michael, you're 70, what are you gonna do for a living? Be the face of fucking L'Oréal? Now is not the time to deal with this.
I am not having our kids taken away and replaced by you.
- That is not the plan.
- I understand.
I'll disappear before the child catchers arrive.
- Fucking hell.
- Where's our shopping, - by the way? - Yeah, I know.
It's late.
Do you want me to go out and get some stuff? No, there's no time, and then we'll end up - with two lots of shopping - [PHONE RINGING.]
and it'll look like mad over-caterers making our kids obese.
- Hello? - Is that Mr.
Worsley? - Yes it is.
- Your shopping delivery.
Oh right.
Supermarket delivery guy.
- Oh.
- It's nose to tail here.
There's an accident up ahead, so I'm gonna be late.
Very sorry, sir.
No, no, how late? You can't be late.
Oh, it seems like a pretty major accident.
There's two air ambulances.
Looks like there's definitely fatalities.
Right, but I do need my shopping.
Don't don't judge me.
If I don't get my shopping in the next two minutes, my children will be taken into care.
If you don't get your shopping in the next two minutes your children will be taken into care? Sounds unlikely, I know, but yes.
Look, is there another of your vans just a minute or so from my house who can give me someone else's shopping? I don't care what the shopping is as long as it's food and not just tampons and clingfilm.
Y you can't have someone else's shopping, - Mr.
God, it's the Stasi.
They're early.
Fuck you.
When my kids are being diddled in a shed by some bearded nonce, it'll be your fucking fault.
- Hi.
- Hello.
BOTH: Hello.
- Do you yeah.
- Please.
Come in.
Thank you very much.
3,000 a month.
Bills included.
Boiler's just been serviced.
It is quite a challenging house for young children.
Uh, yes, no.
We bought it when we weren't thinking about kids.
Not that we didn't want them.
We did.
We do.
They mean everything to us.
How old are the children? Four and seven.
Stair gates seem brand new.
Ordinarily with older children you don't expect that We panicked.
They are new.
We just we put them in today.
We're scared.
We're scared.
I'll be honest with you.
We're fucking terrified, excuse my language.
We think you're going to take the kids away 'cause I'm a monster.
Are you a monster? He's definitely not a monster.
I try hard not to be a monster.
I mean I love those kids.
I don't want them hurt.
I don't hurt them.
But sometimes accidents just happen.
Look at Princess Diana Although they do, - sometimes think that - Tsts-ts.
I'm gonna save you the trouble of looking in the fridge.
It's a barren fridge.
Although we do actually have a food truck coming.
I can show you the receipt, on my phone.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, see? One substitution.
A different kind of ham.
That's fine.
This is obviously a home where children are cared for.
The number of books, the variety of clothes, bathroom toys.
It's clearly a very child-centered household.
Yes, it is, thank you.
Thank you.
So, have we passed? It's not a question of passing.
But have we? Uh, we just need to try and avoid any further accidents as much as possible in the future.
If we feel there's any neglect of the children, and that includes preventable accidents, we can and will legally intervene.
- Understood.
- So we're sort of on probation.
Well, it could be worse, I suppose.
But obviously it could be a lot, lot better too.
- Yeah.
Excuse me.
Just a few details Um does it come You just have if you press, lift, and then Right.
You know what? I'll just - Actually safer like that.
- Yeah.
See you later.
Shall I bring the bags in, sir? No, just hand them over's fine.
Sorry for swearing at you earlier.
Go fuck yourself, you little shit.
And we're good with the ham substitution, by the way.
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