Breeders (2020) s02e05 Episode Script

No Baby

♪♪ - So what number are you on now? - Seven.
That's good.
Seven's good; you said going to a party would put you on a nine for anxiety.
- It's quite a strong seven.
Well, it's still good.
- Have you done your breathing? - Yeah.
Well, you've only got to stay for about half an hour if you want.
Thanks, Dad.
♪♪ - AVA: Mum! - Just getting ready.
AVA: Can you help me with my history homework? Well, unless it's about the history of Brookside characters from 1992 to 1997, I'm afraid I've got nothing for you, sweetie.
It's about the Falklands War.
Ah, I said that I was getting ready, so can you please just give me a fucking moment? Go get my phone from my bag, Ava.
An ex-boyfriend of mine was part of the task force.
Catering, below deck, but he would've heard the majority of it.
Thanks, Granny.
You really need to tell Paul.
ALLY: Paul? - Paul.
- Come here, mate.
Oi, behave yourself, or there's no ice cream till you're 15.
Actually, that's a bit harsh.
Paul, I need to tell you something important.
Oh? I'm pregnant.
- Why are you pulling that face? - What face? This is literally what my face does.
What face am I supposed to pull? Oh, I don't know, happy? Neutral? Anything other than that horrible, sour fucking grimace.
No, it's it's just a shock, that's all.
And I thought we'd agreed.
Agr agreed what? What did we agree? That we wouldn't have another one just yet.
Well, I'm sorry it's such shit news.
ALLY: I'll go and have an abortion, shall I? What's Vera Drake's number? I'm sorry.
I'm so I'm just taking it in.
Luke nearly broke me.
Right, he's still breaking me.
I do love you, mate, but you know it's true.
I've got a baby in me, and do you know what it feels like to have you act like that's the worst news ever? No.
- Ally.
- No.
Hon I hope you realize you're paying for this.
♪♪ Is this Leo's house, then? Yeah, that's it.
It's nice.
Bit showy.
So what do his parents do for a living? His mum's a teacher, and his dad's a potter.
- A potter? - Mmm, he makes pots.
Like the ones Mum likes.
You know, brown and a bit wonky.
He used to be in banking.
Oh, for f Right.
Say no more.
I'm not jealous.
It's a nice house, that's all.
A potter.
Um Right, I'll be at the end of the phone if you need me to come and get you.
I'll try and stay till the end, and then Leo's dad can give me a lift.
Oh, all right, well, I'll listen out for the helicopter.
♪♪ What do you reckon, mate? Give it a go? Luke, be yourself.
If you need to, you can go into the garden and do your breathing.
- Okay.
See you later.
- Yep.
You poor sod.
Hmm, what pizza are you having? Pbbt, Pepperoni Hot, baby.
Same pizza choice since 1989.
What about you? I'm going bespoke.
Toppings from all over the place.
Jazz pizza.
More of this, hold that.
They're gonna hate me.
Can I get you guys anything to drink? Um, yeah, I'll have a pint of Peroni.
Just a fizzy water, thanks.
So you're pregnant.
What? Never been out for a meal with you where you haven't had wine unless you were pregnant or breastfeeding.
- Really? - It has literally never happened.
I've also picked up on some other clues You being mental, for a start.
Listen, this is our first date night out in months.
- Yeah.
- And we've got, what, three hours before Mum finishes her third bottle and then falls asleep with the deadlock on, so there is a hard deadline.
Yeah, but fucking hell, hon a baby.
I mean, a A baby, that is a very big deal.
Yeah, no, I know, and I know we need to get into this, but before that, if at all possible, I would love to order a really complicated pizza and then eat the whole thing very, very quickly whilst we bitch about people we pretend to like.
Are we ready to order? Yes, uh, this could get complicated, so you might want to get a pen.
And a slide rule.
- Right, margherita base, extra basil.
- SERVER: Right.
Then capers, anchovies, black olives, smoked garlic, red peppers, green peppers, yellow peppers.
- SERVER: I'll just put peppers.
Hi, Mum.
Is everything all right? - I wasn't asleep.
- Clearly.
- LEAH: How was the restaurant? - It was fine.
Did you tell him you're pregnant? Yes, but what if I hadn't? Fucking hell, Mum.
Right, so suddenly I'm the bad guy.
Yes, you are.
She doesn't know what she's saying.
- Think she might do.
- LEAH: Headlines.
Luke looked quite grim when he got back from his party, and Ava seems a bit off.
- Hmm.
- LEAH: How are you doing? How are you feeling about the baby? Not sure.
Between you, me, and the garden gate, I have four friends who had three children.
Two of them didn't see 60.
- Terrific.
- Just a word to the wise.
Three is the tragic number.
I've just been feeling, like, weird as balls.
Just, like, really odd.
The whole thing is just daft.
You're definitely sure you're pregnant? Yes, I've been collecting pregnancy tests like they're fucking Pokémon.
And and this one, is it is it making you feel the same kind of weird as Luke and Ava did, or I mean, I can't remember.
The whole thing is is weird, isn't it? I mean, growing a human inside you is nuts.
I do know that Ava made me go the most mental when she was born.
Just, like, this tiny vampire sucking my life out through my tits.
I know.
It was tough.
I mean, of course, I don't have tits, so I can't fully appreciate your Well What's that me You think I've got tits? It just it happens to men in their 40s.
Look at these.
I've suddenly got some tits.
Fuck you.
- Mm.
Hi, yeah, this is Luke's dad.
Oh, hello, Leo's mum.
Everything all right? No, I'm just decanting a shiraz.
Yeah, no, Luke seemed fine.
Why? Oi, bell end.
Leo's mum told me that you were smoking - in their gazebo.
- What's a gazebo? I don't fucking know, do I? Were you smoking? No.
Some of the others were.
I went into the garden 'cause I had a bit of a panic attack and needed some air.
But I didn't go in the gazebo thing, and I didn't smoke.
- Really? - Really! I swear to Christ, mate, you telling me the truth? Yes.
All right.
- I believe you.
- Thank you.
PAUL: I'm sorry you had a panic attack.
That must've been rough.
It was.
Did I make you lose your game? It's all right.
It's not that sort of a game.
All right.
You should turn it off anyway.
Go to sleep, please.
♪♪ I'm having doubts.
- Baby doubts? - Yeah.
I mean, not as in small doubts, as in doubts about the baby.
I'm I'm not sure if I want this baby.
That is a perfectly reasonable thing to think.
I just, uh I just don't know.
Well, if you were a pendulum, right? With "sure" and "not sure" either side of you, what angle would you be at right now? Um sorry, where are you measuring the angle from? The middle.
And which way is the pendulum going? Either way.
That's that's the point.
You're the pendulum.
Right, so if I say "30 degrees," is that 30 degrees towards the side that I'm in favor of or towards the other side? No, it's towards the You're making this unnecessarily complicated.
No, you are.
You haven't explained any of the essential Okay.
Shh, shh.
- It's all right.
It's all right.
- Components.
It's fine.
It's not a problem.
It was a bad idea.
Don't worry, it's fine.
- 20 degrees.
- Right, which way? - I don't know.
- Fuck's sake, that's That way.
- No.
- What way was that? - I don't know.
- Fuck me ragged.
♪♪ Hi.
- Hi, Mum.
- Aw.
You were such a cute little baby fatso.
We used to call you Kenny Podgers.
You okay, Ava-cado? Yeah.
I've been a bit of a dick to you lately.
I'm so sorry.
Do you wanna do something fun, you and me? Like what? [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Wow! A tent bunk.
I'd have loved one of these at your age.
Bit of a dust trap.
Ah, no, it'd be so cool in your room.
Right, I'm going up.
You just keep watch.
So graceful.
Come on up.
It's lovely.
It's like camping, but it's nice.
Come on.
Hey, if you have a sleepover, your friend can go underneath, or they can snuggle up in here.
What, love? Sorry I hurt you when I was born.
I heard you and Dad.
When? Oh, my God.
I made you mental and sucked the life out of you.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You didn't.
Oh, my sweet thing.
I didn't want you to hear any of that.
You were really sad when I was born.
Oh God, I can't stand you thinking that you ever made me sad, no.
Not now! Ava, look at me.
It wasn't you, ever, and it was only for a little while.
Look, most new mums, they can get a bit wobbly, but they just they just don't admit it.
It doesn't mean that they don't love their babies.
I loved you.
I love you, okay? I'm worried about the new baby.
What? Oh.
Oh, right.
Ah, shit.
Listen, we would have told you.
It's just, it's it's so early, but please don't worry.
We're still gonna love you and Luke just the same.
No, I'm worried 'cause you're an older mum.
So many things could go wrong - with you and the baby.
- Oh.
Well, Grace's mum had a baby when she was 39, - so a lot younger than you.
- Right.
And the doctor said there was an increased risk of complications: high blood pressure, miscarriage, stillbirth, even you dying.
It's really dangerous being a geriatric mum.
Geriatric? Yeah, that's what they called Grace's mum.
If you're over 35, you're geriatric.
This is all a bit mad.
- It is a bit mad.
- ALLY: Yes, it it is, but I promise I will look after myself, okay? No booze, no cigarettes.
I will eat kale and quinoa and that horrible yogurt and all that Gwyneth Paltrow shit, and I will drink all of the water, all right? [CHUCKLES.]
I love you.
Do you want to use one of my baby names? You have names for your babies? Yep.
Taylor, Jaguar, Jo, Meg, Beth, Amy, Saoirse, Serenity, and Salem.
Aw, baby Jaguar.
Actually, you can't have that one.
That's my favorite.
You're my favorite.
But don't tell Luke or baby Jaguar, all right? Come on.
Everything's gonna be fine.
I promise.
♪♪ PAUL: Cheers, can you stick a battered sausage in there too, Nat? - Will do, mate.
- Thank you.
Can I get a Fanta? There's a new lot in the fridge out the back.
You can pop through and fetch one, Luke.
What's the damage? - £21.
- Oh, fuck, is it cash only? Until the card what's-his-name is fixed, yeah.
- Sorry, Paul.
- I'm a bit short.
Uh one second.
Luke's a hoarder.
He'll probably have some shrapnel in here somewhere.
The fuck? That's a bit "EastEnders" drums, innit? Yeah, just a bit.
♪♪ What? - It's the fucking lying that gets me.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
I believed you! I was sympathetic.
Your anxiety, your panic attack.
I really did have a panic attack.
That's why I've been smoking.
It calms me down.
No, it doesn't; it just calms the jitters you get from nicotine withdrawal.
I know about this stuff.
- Fucking hell, it'll kill you.
- I know.
Your lungs are still developing.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'll stop smoking.
I've only had, like, 15 cigarettes in total.
How can you even afford them? They cost a fortune.
I used the money Granny Leah gave me.
She gave you that to get yourself something nice.
- Please don't tell her.
- I'll fucking do as I like, mate.
You're in no position to tell me what to do.
You haven't said that I smoke and am therefore a hypocrite.
No, I know.
I am a hypocrite.
I know it.
But I'd rather be a hypocrite than a fucking liar.
I'll tell you, mate, if I ever catch you with cigarettes again, there will be hell to pay.
- Got it? - Got it.
PAUL: Good.
♪♪ - [AVA CRYING.]
- Please stop.
Please stop crying.
Please, you can't be hungry.
You've already had a bucketload.
Please, Ava.
I haven't got anything left.
I'm not a fucking dairy farm.
Come on, then.
♪♪ No? [GROANS.]
Okay, so you're not hungry.
You're not wet.
You're not windy.
You're not sleepy.
What the fuck could you possibly want? [AVA QUIETS.]
Oh, okay.
Hello, smiler.
Sorry about that.
- Ally.
- Hi.
Come in.
Take a seat.
I'll be with you in just a minute.
ALLY: So I had my doubts well, we both did Um, but I thought and thought, and yeah, I'm sure I wanna keep the baby.
You don't think I should 'cause of my age.
Ally, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not pregnant.
- I am.
- You're not.
I am pregnant.
How am how am I not pregnant? I mean, I how? I've been so hormonal.
That's because your HCG level is high.
HCG is, indeed, a pregnancy hormone, but also, in the early stages of menopause, your HCG can spike Early, sorry, what? Basically, the symptoms of perimenopause can be almost identical to pregnancy.
Menopause? Um [LAUGHS.]
Hello! Peri.
Not quite the menopause.
Sorry, but do you know how old I am? It's on here, yes.
Well, so it's it's just menopause? It is early but not that unusual.
Have you been having irregular periods? Anxiety? Yes, but Any hot flushes or issues with memory? Fucking hell.
I thought that was just stress and lack of sleep and being pregnant.
KAUR: Let me print you out a fact sheet.
It's a lot to take in, I do understand.
Yeah, going from being pregnant to being I don't know what, um DR.
KAUR: Take some time to read.
That's it.
I'm barren.
You could still get pregnant.
- Could I? - Yes.
It wouldn't be easy.
It would most probably need to be via assisted conception, - IVF.
- Right.
But doesn't that always mean twins? Not necessarily.
But you do get a lot of twins.
Vaginal dryness.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Look at that.
- Hey, guess what I found today.
- What? Packet of cigarettes in Luke's bag.
No way! He said he wasn't smoking.
He was lying.
Turns out, he's a really good liar, which is gonna make the next few years interesting.
Said they help him with his panic attacks.
- Bollocks.
- No, I know.
How was your day? [SIGHS.]
I'm not pregnant.
- Yeah, you are.
- That's what I said.
So the the tests are wrong.
Can that can that happen? You did three.
Yeah, well, it it's a mad hormone thing.
I'm not pregnant.
I am perimenopausal.
Don't say that sounds like a '50s pop star.
I wasn't.
So how are we feeling about that? Um, well, it's a It's a relief, isn't it? Yes.
Yes, it is a relief.
Shall we? Not in your condition.
What condition's that, being one of the fucking Golden Girls? [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Wait up, Blanche.
♪♪ You still got that battered sausage? I'll give you a battered sausage.
Oh, you absolute fucking genius.
- Mmm, mmm.
- Hiya, Mum.
Everything all right? Yeah, yeah.
All good.
Dad told me about you smoking and you lying about smoking.
LUKE: Yeah.
I'm really sorry for lying and smoking.
- I'll stop.
Smoking's dumb.
- ALLY: So dumb.
You've got your breathing exercises to help with your anxiety, your mindfulness tips, your one-to-ten scale.
Nicotine is a stimulant.
It doesn't calm you down.
PAUL: Yeah, everyone experiments, Luke, but, you know, don't go any further.
I'm addicted.
I can't give up.
Although I can just enjoy the odd one now and again.
- That's really bad advice.
- Yeah, sorry.
Do you want some tea? - Yeah, please.
- Yeah, all right.
PAUL: Thanks, man.
- What are we gonna do with him? - Mm.
So our fictional baby, would she or he have been a mix of Luke and Ava, do you think, or someone totally new? New but with bits of them, probably.
And maybe different bits of us, better bits.
PAUL: Yeah.
It's it's a relief, innit, not having to deal with all the new-baby madness? Yeah.
It's sad too.
PAUL: Oh, yeah.
It is sad.
I'm sad about it.
I am sad about it.
♪♪ If you were a pendulum Fuck off.

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