Brickleberry s01e08 Episode Script

Steve's Bald

With liberty and justice for all.
I am so grateful to be living in this fine country.
Me too.
Thank God for slavery.
Don't mind me.
I'm high as shit right now.
Drug test Denzel.
Okay, as y'all know, this year Brickleberry is proud to host the annual park service ranger ball.
Well, I, for one, am looking forward to getting wasted and having anonymous sex with multiple partners of various races and genders.
Drug test Ethel.
I Hope I get lucky too.
I'm bringing a friend to be my date, so fingers crossed.
By friend, he means hooker, and, by date, he means shallow grave by the rail road.
I'm glad everyone's gonna have fun.
I'll probably just spend the whole night by the punch bowl.
By myself.
- Again.
- Oh.
That's sweet of you not to spoil our fun.
I can't wait.
I'll have my pick of the female rangers.
Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that baby elephant head of yours.
Don't be jealous, Ethel.
Everyone knows I'm the coolest and best-looking Park Ranger around.
What? Did someone draw a dick on my face again? Brickleberry! She takes out a diaper, right? And I said, "not yet.
I ain't ready for you yet".
He's right there.
Hi, guys.
Listen, about earlier, I'd appreciate it if we could just Steve, if we teased you about something so obviously painful, what kind of friends would we be? - Thanks, Malloy.
I was worried that - Trick question.
I'm not friends with bald people.
Hey! No! Go ahead.
Laugh it up, you heartless bastards.
You don't understand what it's like to be bald.
I've been dealing with this problem for most of my adult life.
Cruelly, the day I gained hair in one area I lost it in another.
I tried to hide my secret shame, but sooner or later I would always be exposed.
Kids, please, allow me.
The cruelest blow came on prom night.
Stacy Blanchard agreed to go with me if I did her homework for the semester.
Thanks to me, she got to go to high school an extra year.
You are so getting laid tonight.
I thought we had a deal.
Uh yeah, the contract was void because I got an "F" and you look like shit.
Allow me.
Ow! Kids can be so cruel.
So can adults, you bald mother[Bleep].
Oh, Steve, it's not that bad.
You kind of got that Michael Chiklis look.
- Really? - Yeah.
And if he weren't bald and ugly, that would be a compliment.
Oh, I got him.
Oh, he thought I was gonna say something nice.
Must be hard to process sarcasm with that shitty chrome dome.
Ethel, I understand Woody, Denzel, and Malloy teasing Steve, but you too? Absolutely.
I've always considered myself to be someone who cares more about animals than people.
Die, you little bastard.
See, this is a perfect example.
There you go, little fella.
You're safe now.
- What was that? - You just crushed a kitten's head.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
I always have you, Viggo Mortensen.
Even if it's only in my homoerotic dreams.
Hey, Steve, what are you doing? Uh, nothing.
You're not leaving, are you? Connie, I spent the last ten years here cultivating an image of the coolest guy in the park, an object of desire for women and confused animals.
But now that I've been exposed, I need to find some place I can be popular again.
That's why I'm headed to Ow! Wounded Knee, South Dakota.
Too cold.
Ow! Make that Fishkill, New York? Steve, I know how it feels to be unattractive.
It can really hurt.
That's why you need friends to make you feel better.
Hey, you know that ranger ball coming up? We should go together.
You know, as friends.
I'll even get drunk and give you a tug job.
I'm good, thanks.
Steve, you're a good person.
You just need to make your inside feel as beautiful as you want your outside to be.
So what you're saying is make my outside beautiful, no matter how ugly I am on the inside.
Well, that's not really what I was saying.
- What I was saying - Great advice, Connie.
I'd kiss you if you weren't so goddamn ugly.
Hang in there, little kitty.
Almost to the vet.
Every life is precious.
Thank you, Heavenly Father.
Only by your blessed holy spirit and amazing Grace did I Ah, Jesus goddamn Christ! Denzel's government surplus emporium.
What you need? I got water coolers, uniforms, rifles.
I even got a waterfall.
But you got to come pick that shit up.
Denzel, it's Ethel.
You're not selling off all our stuff again, are you? Hell no.
In an unrelated question, how much do you think I can get for your black teddy? Denzel, focus.
I just hit a deer.
I think it's gonna die.
You got to put that poor animal out of its misery.
I can't do that.
It goes against every fiber of my self-righteous being.
Ethel, it's Malloy.
Kill it.
Do you even know what we're talking about? Don't know, don't care, just kill it.
If the animal's suffering, trust me, it's the right thing to do.
Ain't no warranty on that! I am so sorry, little doe.
Why Did I enjoy that so much? So, Steve, after two years of taking multiple daily shots in the buttocks, you can expect to go from this hairless freak To this handsome devil.
What is that, like, four more hairs? Up to four more hairs.
Ask your doctor if Growitol's right for you.
You are my doctor.
That's why I'm here.
Am I? You know, Steve, I always saw you more as a friend.
Besides, I was banned from practicing medicine years ago.
I'm not kidding.
Isn't there anything else you can give me? Without hair, I'm nobody.
I'm not smart, I'm not as athletic as I look, my personality is non-existent, yet somehow grating.
Well, Steve, there is the hair tonic that I use.
I purchased it on the Chinese black market.
Or was it the black Chinese market? Anyway it's made with tiger sperm.
Now remember, friend, just rub a thimbleful on your scalp once a week Ooh.
Not good.
Lucky for you, I'm also a malpractice attorney.
My card.
Man, it's hot all of a sudden.
What happened? Man, I got a wicked hangover.
Oh, God.
What have I done? Say your prayers, grizzly bear.
This is for killing my neighbor's pig.
That pig beat me in checkers.
They smarter than dogs, you know.
No, please don't shoot.
He talk.
Hold on, Bobby.
That ain't no bear.
That right there is Bigfoot.
I'm afraid you're Holy shit, we're in the presence of greatness.
Hey, everybody! It's Bigfoot, a real-life celebrity.
Your hair is beautiful.
It's so silky.
Can we get a picture with you? Listen, people, I'm flattered by the attention, but Bigfoot, will you sign my gigantic breasts? Bigfoot would love to.
I know just where I'm gonna put the os.
The nipples.
Hey, has anyone seen my stapler? It's probably on your desk.
- Thanks.
- Where's my desk? Where it always is.
By the copy machine.
Where's the goddamn copy machine? It's right there.
Denzel, you see it, don't you? Of course I do.
This isn't good.
You're probably having another one of your episodes.
- Did you just kill a fly? - Huh.
I guess I did.
- That's not like you at all, Ethel.
- Ah, it's no big deal.
It's just a fly.
My old "savior to the animals" stance may have been a little extreme.
Well, I'm glad to hear you've come to your senses.
Thank you.
Oh, look at you.
You're still alive.
This bitch is crazy.
Okay, I only have time for several hundred more final questions, everybody.
Hello, Bigfoot, Timmy from Timmy's YouTube channel.
Why now, after centuries of hiding, have you chosen to go public? Because, Timmy, I wanted to be famous.
And famous people get a shitload of ass.
Yay, Bigfoot! - Is it? - Could it be? You damn right it is.
Yo, Chewbacca, you got to give me a ride in the Millennium Falcon.
No, it's Bigfoot, the mythical creature that's responsible for countless hours of shitty programming on the Discovery Channel.
- Connie, look who's here.
- Yeah, nice to meet you, Bigfoot.
Guys, I'm worried about Steve.
He's been missing since yesterday.
Ah, screw Steve.
Bigfoot's a bona fide tourist attraction.
But Steve's our friend.
I think he could be in danger.
That's very sweet of you, stranger who I've never met, but let's not draw attention away from me, Bigfoot, because that's who I am.
Foot, please feel welcome here at Brickleberry.
As long as you don't go all chimpy and rip our faces off.
I think I just gave him an idea.
Fear not, humanoids.
Bigfoot's your friend.
Unlike that Jew-hating Loch Ness Monster.
I hate the Jews! All I desire is your adulation.
Somebody give me some rubber gloves.
If I'm gonna adulate this guy, I don't want to get that gunk all over my hands.
Hey, Steve.
I'm not Steve, my fellow woodland creature.
I'm the notorious B-i-g F-o-o-t E.
Hair or no hair, you smell like a Turkish man's balls.
Please, Malloy, don't blow this for me.
No one gives a damn about Steve.
This is a chance to reinvent myself.
Take it easy, Polamalu.
I'm not gonna blow your cover.
There's money to be made here.
And I'll be your manager.
5% sound fair? - Sure.
I'll give you 5%.
- Deal.
Wow, you're shrewd.
I'm lucky you're on my side.
Oh, you poor baby.
Ethel will make it all better.
Whoa! What the hell are you doing? I have to do it Denzel, this cute little guy was abandoned by his mother.
He wasn't abandoned by his mother.
His mother's right there.
- Oh, my God.
You shot it! - Well, I had no choice, Denzel.
It was distraught its baby was about to die.
All right, Ethel, what the hell is going on with you? All right, here's the thing.
When I killed that deer, I had the best orgasm of my life.
I've been chasing that dragon ever since.
Ethel, you're confused.
Women don't have no orgasms.
- And you got to stop this killing, girl.
- I guess you're right, Denzel.
I promise, no more killing.
Starting now.
Sasquatch! I got your face tattooed on my anus! Much love.
Wish I could stop.
Let's talk big picture here.
How long we gonna milk this Wookiee in the woods routine? What are you talking about? Steve is dead.
I'm gonna be Bigfoot forever.
Hey, Bigfoot, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, could you make love to my wife while I watch? Inappropriate.
- I'm blind! - Trust me.
I did you a favor.
So, Steve, big gig on Wednesday.
You're gonna be emceeing a dwarf fashion show.
No can do, baby.
I'm going to the ranger ball.
But I already booked Giselle Munchkin.
Sorry, Malloy, the ball is tomorrow night, and I know just who I'm going to take.
Oh, God! Oops, sorry.
Wrong picture.
The most beautiful woman in the world.
I cannot believe you are gonna make me kill all those Dwarves.
Who said anything about killing Dwarves? It's either that or I pay them.
And I'm not planning on paying them.
So that means I'm going to have to kill them.
Steve! Oh, Steve! Oh, no.
This is terrible.
Hey, have you seen the little bear? He told us to meet him right here.
You look beautiful, my love.
Hey, no kiss on mouth.
Baby hatch okay, but not on mouth.
Oh, you are one classy lady.
Stacy should be here any minute.
I'm so excited.
Why are you so obsessed with this girl from high school? You should be dating a celebrity.
It's good for the brand.
Like Audrey Hepburn? Yeah, but alive and not as much of a whore.
That must be her.
The most beautiful girl on earth.
She hasn't changed a bit.
Madame, shall we? Bigfoot, you are so handsome.
Oh, my God.
That's awesome.
You sound just like Megatron.
Oh, Bigfoot, I feel like I could start a new life with you.
Here are the keys.
Drive 'em into the lake.
Yo, yo, biggity foot inside the house.
What's the deal? I thought this was supposed to be a party.
Yeah, but it turned into a memorial service.
We just got some bad news, Bigfoot.
Connie found Steve's car smashed in a ravine.
He must have lost control.
His tires were as bald as his head.
All right.
Let's have a moment of silence.
Okay, let's tear this shit up! No.
Tonight we honor our friend.
And shame on all of you for teasing him for something he couldn't help.
- I feel terrible.
- Yeah, me too.
Me too.
I never met this Steve fellow, but he sounds like a great guy.
Hold on.
You had every right to treat Steve like an asshole.
He was bald.
But you know who has lots of hair? Bigfoot.
Come on, everyone! Do the Bigfoot.
It goes a little something like this.
Stop Bigfoot dancing.
Why don't you want us to remember our friend? I'll tell you why.
The police lab just analyzed Steve's clothes, and they were covered in hair Hair genetically identical to this! Okay, guys, there's an explanation for this.
There is.
You killed Steve.
- He's a murderer! - He's a monster! Look who's talking.
No, it's a misunderstanding.
Tell 'em, Malloy.
I have no idea what this Bigfoot is talking about.
Sorry, buddy, but your death is gonna make for a merchandising bonanza.
- Let's get him.
- We're gonna bring you to justice.
To hell with justice.
I am gonna kill you.
And I am really gonna enjoy it.
Somebody call FEMA.
It feels like a levee just broke in my pants.
Who the hell brings torches and pitchforks to a ball? We gonna get you, Bigfoot! I'm not Bigfoot.
Let me explain.
Oh, sorry about that, BoDean.
What? There you go, buddy.
Good as new.
What? Damn, this Bigfoot fast.
I want justice.
I make my own goddamn justice.
It's looting time up in this bitch! Shit, this is my car.
Die, you big-footed freak.
Die! Give me that.
I'm a natural predator.
No! No.
I have to do it.
You try that again, and I will blow your frickin' head off.
That's weird.
Usually I can smell your period.
Show yourself, killer.
I like boobies.
Aw, man.
Prepare to meet Bigfoot Jesus, you hairy son of a bitch.
Damn it, BoDean, don't stand in front of me when I'm shooting something.
- What? - I ain't got anymore gum.
That's okay, Bobby.
Wow, good solution.
Now prepare to die.
I'm not prepared.
Bigfoot? So you are real.
Thank you for saving my life.
I don't blame you for hiding from society all these years, mythical giant.
You are not the savage.
We are.
We humans are vulgar, violent, and, above all, never to be trusted.
Shoot him.
He killed Steve.
Hmm? Oh, yeah.
Ah, that was uncomfortable for all of us.
I can't believe I killed the real Bigfoot.
He was completely innocent, as are all animals.
How will I ever forgive myself? You probably won't.
I mean, not with this as a constant reminder.
You can almost tell that his last words were "you bitch".
Hey, everybody.
I just want you to know I feel terrible about pretending to be Bigfoot.
Yeah, you should.
And when are you gonna get rid of that stupid asshole hair, you stupid, hairy asshole? I've tried everything.
I guess the drug's just got to wear off.
- Nice to have you back, Steve.
- Thanks, Connie.
The one thing I've realized throughout this whole ordeal is what a great friend you are to me.
Oh, come on.
No, you are really an amazing person.
I should have just saved myself a lot of trouble and taken you to the dance.
- Shall we? - I'd be honored.
Nothing could ruin this special moment.
Except that.
Yes, Steve's back in all his glory.
Damn, Steve, cover your ass up.
I'll never feel shame again.
I am a bald, overweight man with misshapen genitals, and proud of it! Soak it in, everybody.