Brickleberry s03e10 Episode Script

Amber Alert

3x10 - Amber Alert So on this sad, and yet happy day, let's all raise a glass to celebrate the retirement of everyone's favorite park ranger, the glue that held us all together for so many years, to - Harold.
- Who the [bleep] is Harold? - I've never heard of him.
- Woody put him on lookout duty in the fire tower 20 years ago and forgot to relieve him.
So he spent two decades by himself in a small tower? Wow, he's lucky he didn't go nuts.
You're the devil.
I will burn you! [high-pitched] You got to catch me first.
[laughs demonically] Tequila sunrise, hold the sunrise.
[chuckles] - It's on the house.
- Well, aren't you a sweetheart? Do you really think the bartender just gave you a free drink because he's a sweetheart? - Yeah, why else? - Because your pants are so tight, - I can read the mileage on your vagina.
- That is so sexist.
I don't get preferential treatment because of my looks.
He gives out drinks because he's a nice guy.
- Can I get a glass of tap water? - Beat it, sea world.
[uplifting music] [crunching] [screams] Brickleberry Woody, after two years of hard work, my sanctuary for orphan baby animals is almost complete.
Will you throw me a big grand opening party? Sure, Ethel, whatever you want.
Yes! See, Malloy? It's not about my good looks.
- It's about my good ideas.
- Ohh, yeah Of course it is.
- Woody could I - No, [bleep] off! Listen, people, now that our darling Harold has retired to Florida I thought they locked him up in a mental institution.
Florida, mental institution what's the difference? Anyway, we need a new ranger A.
S.
A.
P.
Now, I got some money from Jackubowski to shoot a recruitment video.
It's got to be good like, Godfather III good.
Not dog shit like them first two.
Ethel, since you're the only person here with a somewhat human appearance, you're gonna be my lead actress.
Woody, did you forget something? It's the first of the month.
Oh, yeah, that's right.
The ranger of the month is - Steve again.
- Yay.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to my office for an important meeting.
And I have to call my mom and tell her the good news.
[melodic ringtone] Hey I know that ringtone.
Hi, mom.
Mom! What are you doing?! Hi, honey.
Ooh! - We were just, uh - Oh, I lost my car keys.
I was looking for them with my dick in your mom's cooch.
You're screwing my mom! - Look, honey, it's complicated.
- No, it's not.
It's simple.
Your mom had sex with me to get you a job here, and every month since so you can be ranger of the month even though you suck! What? But I earned this medal.
- I'm not a bad ranger.
- Yeah, just like my balls ain't slapping around on your mom's ass crack.
Oh, sorry you had to find out like this, dear.
Oh, got them! Hey, hang on, I don't drive a Saab.
Ranger recruitment video, take one.
And action! Why would you want to work at Brickleberry National Park? Here's two reasons.
Now jump up and down and shake that sweater meat.
Boing-boing.
Cut! That's not your line.
That's your direction.
Now get them B-cups bouncin'.
Screw this.
I'm outta here.
Fine! I don't need you! I don't need any of you! Get the hell off my set.
I'll finish this crap myself.
Ow! Woody's a real mother[bleep].
[sobbing] [crying] What's the matter, sweetie? What's the matter? You're banging my boss so I could be ranger of the month.
Oh, you're still upset about that? It's really not a big deal.
I'd do anything with anyone for my son.
Always have.
Wait You've done this before? - Faster! Faster! - But the light's red.
Don't stop.
Oh, don't stop! Okay.
Great job.
You passed.
You had sex with everyone on the opposing team? That was a long day.
- Anywho, pizza for dinner? - Jeez, mom.
You have to promise me that you won't sleep with anybody else in order to help me out.
I'm taking my life back.
You hear me? Mom! Ease back, cochise.
It's just the tip.
All right, here it is, the finished recruitment video.
Denzel, try not to talk to the screen.
[thunder crashing] [screaming] [rocks blasting] Ha! [roars] [roars] Ugh! [flames roar] Brickleberry! The legend continues! What the hell was that? That was $3.
2 million of taxpayer money well-spent.
But it doesn't make any sense.
Eh, screw you.
It worked.
Look at all these applicants.
Navy seal, green beret, Ted Nugent.
I'll handle the hiring process.
We need to show these applicants that working here is serious business.
Da da-da-da da daah Pow! Ha-ha, got her.
[farting] Welcome to hell week.
You want to be a Brickleberry ranger? Well, this is your chance to prove it.
For those who can't cut it, ring the loser bell.
- Who's that? - One of your coworkers if you make it.
You'll be seeing her every day.
- Me first! - Me first! [bell dinging] [all clamoring] - Sorry I'm late.
- Looks like we have a winner.
Woody, it's been a difficult search, but I think I've found our ranger.
Dirk, come on in.
[crashing, clattering] Meet Dirk Mahogany.
He's a former navy seal, and he was the guy who landed the kill shot that took down Bin Laden.
Oh, and best of all, he is an expert on orphan baby animals.
Hey, sounds terrific.
Good job, Ethel.
[door opens] [sweet, gentle music] - Holy shit.
- Hi, I'm Amber.
- Wow.
- Damn! [giggling breathily] I'm here about the job.
Yeah, actually, we've already decided - That you're hired.
- Oh, goodie! - What? - [groans] Yes! Woody, how could you possibly hire that girl? Do you know what she did her first morning on the job? You shot my husband! Oh, I thought he was a bear attacking you.
He's not a bear! He's just Armenian.
- It's okay.
She's hot.
- [gasps] Bear! [gunshot] So the world has one less clogged shower drain.
Amber ain't going anywhere, Ethel.
Good morning, everybody.
So, Ethel, how's it feel to be the new Connie? Woody, I put all my dirty panties in your cabin like you asked.
What's my next assignment? Oh, pick up them pencils I dropped on the floor.
- Where? - Here's good.
Nice and slow-like.
- This job is easy.
- Whoops! [laughs] Oh, it's like I have lotion all over my hands.
I have dry skin.
Plus I beat off earlier.
Can I have a five-minute break? I need to wring out my spanx.
Oh, god.
[squishing] Whatever.
At least Amber can't do much damage after she replaces crazy Harold up in the fire tower.
Fire tower? The hell with that.
She has more important things to do.
- Like what? - Whoopsie! - Denzel, you're going to the fire tower.
- So let me get this straight.
I'll be up there by myself with nothing at all to do? - Uh-huh.
- Sounds like my dream job.
See y'all crackers later.
But aren't you afraid you'll go insane up there all by yourself, like Harold did? I ain't gonna go insane.
Only white people go insane.
Y'all don't know how to relax.
I'll bet you go crazy within five minutes.
Oh, whatever, man.
Wow, I'll really miss that [bleep] when he goes to the fire tower.
Whoa.
We don't use that term here.
Oh, sorry.
I'll really miss that [bleep] when he goes to the "watchtower.
" Aw, I've never seen racism be so adorable.
Well, I'm sure Denzel wouldn't agree.
Yes, I would.
It's only wrong when ugly people say it.
- Bye, Amber.
- Bye, [bleep]! You know what? Screw you guys.
I'm going to go work on my orphan baby animal sanctuary.
Oh, I want to go! I like baby "aminals.
" Anything for you, honeypot.
Ethel, take Amber and show her the ropes.
Oh, I'd love to show her the ropes.
Wow, she's dead and she's still hotter than Ethel.
God damn it! These are all lies.
Lies, lies, lies! I didn't earn these.
My mom's vagina did.
More like your mom's vagina did.
Wait, wait, did you just beat me to my own insult? Steve, you just accomplished something on your own.
I did? I mean, I did! Unless my mom banged you so you would say that.
No, but she did bang you into first place for a hot dog eating contest.
Huh, I guess we both swallowed a lot of wieners that day.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
I can go back and try to earn all these things I've gotten in life, but for real this time.
Mom, I want a list of everybody you've ever banged in order to get me something in life.
She's faxing it to me now.
Who has a fax machine? Oh, I was in staples and someone just gave it to me, and I God damn it, mom! - I guess they found her easy button.
- I guess they found her Oh, I could have taken the week off.
Ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hee-ya! - I did it on my own this time.
- Yes, you did.
But I miss giving your mother fist training in her lady parts.
Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Ho-ya! Oh, cute, cute, cute! Be careful.
I rescued that poor little guy after his parents were killed by predators.
Oh, no, the Predator? Someone call Arnold Schwarze-[bleep]! That's not how you pronounce it, at all.
Hey, little birdie.
You don't need to be so sad.
Here.
What did you just do? I gave it a zoloft to make him happy.
You can't give a bird zoloft! [groans sleepily] Oh, no.
[giggles] That adderall will take the edge off.
See? Fly away, god's creature.
[Chirps] [Thud] What a dream job, getting paid for sitting on my ass and chilling.
Them fools think I'm gonna go crazy in five minutes just because I'm up here by myself.
I've already been up here four minutes, and I ain't never felt more sane in my life.
Ain't that right, owl made out of spaghetti? [italian accent] Don't-a worry, Denzel.
I think-a you're gonna be just-a fine.
Thank you all for being here tonight to celebrate the opening of the Ethel Anderson Orphan animal sanctuary.
[feedback] Hello? So do asian people see the world in letterbox? Sure, sure, whatever you say.
"Welcome, Amber"? We're supposed to be celebrating the grand opening of my animal sanctuary.
Change of plans, fugly.
Now scram; you're blocking my view of Amber.
This is my night! This is not about some racist pill-popper - with nice tits.
- Aw, thanks, Ethel.
And thanks for coming to my welcome party.
- You look so cute.
- Amber, you are so sweet for lying to Ethel like that.
Give me a hug.
Now one from behind.
Enough of this bullshit, Woody.
We both know that she's not fit to do any job at Brickleberry.
Sure she is.
What job would you like, Amber? - I like the baby "aminals.
" - Good idea.
From now on, this is the Amber Orphan "aminal" sanctuary, - and you're in charge.
- Woody, you can't do that.
Already done.
Now cut out, Nanny McPhee.
You're bringing down the party.
[sighs] Can I get something strong? Beat it, sea world.
Oh, Connie, are you putting up more cameras in my cabin? No, I'm taking them down.
I'm putting them up in Amber's cabin.
Sorry, Ethel.
It's not you; it's me.
- I like hot chicks.
- Hello, low point.
What am I gonna do, Malloy? Because she's so hot, I've lost all my animals.
Including Connie.
She'll kill them all if I don't do something drastic.
Like what? If it's looks they want, it's looks they'll get.
Hmm, plastic surgery.
But why, Ethel? You're so slightly above average.
I need to be a ten.
Give me the "I hate myself" special.
[smooth, funky music] - Hello, boys.
- Holy crap.
Did you get stung by a jellyfish? Oops, I guess I'll have to pick up these pencils.
- No, no! - No.
How's about you put me back in charge of my orphan animals? How about I put you in charge of getting your walleyed nipples away from me? What? I'm hot; I'm a ten! I guess that makes Connie a 13.
Look, Scare-a Reid.
As long as Amber's around, she's in charge of the "aminals"! Aw, look how happy he is since I took over.
I got to buy some more pills.
The red kitty dogs love them.
Fly away, god's creature.
Yay! Now there's two kitty dogs.
[screams] [popping, deflating] So far, this has been pretty easy.
Gotta say, Malloy, I think my mom put out for absolutely no reason.
I could have done all of this myself.
Williams! You're a dead man, you [bleep] dick! Jimmy Wisniewski, the bully from my childhood? You haven't picked on me since the 7th grade.
That's right, Williams, and the only reason I stopped picking on you is because My mom? But we were 12! She said I screw like a Wait, she's been sleeping with you for the last 20 years? Every Wednesday at 2:30 p.
m.
, but she just cut me off, which means you got a beat-down coming.
Meet me at the flagpole at sundown, dingus! Are you sure we can't work something else out? You know, I have my mom's tiny, soft hands.
Good, they'll be easier to break, you [bleep] dick! [screams] Damn, I'm loving it here, and I've never felt less crazy than I do right now, chillin' with my new friends, spaghetti owl, turtle-ini, and beaver-oni.
I'm so happy to have all you talking italian-food animals to keep me from going nuts up here.
- Hey, want to blaze-a one? - Hell, yeah! Spark that shit up, fettuccini al-frogo.
Hi, I'm looking to hire a hit man to kill a female park ranger named Amber.
Why would I want to kill Amber? She's hot as balls.
Woody? Is that you? Do you have a side business as a hit man? Hit man? No.
This isn't Woody Johnson.
It's Judy Wonson.
I'm [high-pitched] a woman.
Oh, I better go make a tuna casserole and douche the ol' clam.
I'm a woman.
Oh, screw it.
I'll do it myself.
[gasps] Oh! Now I get it.
[rustling] - Ethel, what are you doing here? - Something I've wanted to do from the minute you got here.
God damn, you are hot.
[Both moaning] [Music] - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my god.
[both moaning] Uhhh Oh! [gasps] Jesus Christ.
I can't believe I fell for her too.
But that ass is so No, no, no.
[crying] Amber, are you crying? I thought you were the only one here that didn't look at me like a piece of meat.
I'm sick of getting by on my looks.
And because I never had to work for anything, - I suck at everything! - You could be a great ranger, - and I can help you! - Really? It's not about looks.
I know for a fact that you have greatness inside of you.
- You think so? - Smell for yourself.
I don't know, Malloy.
Are you sure your plan will work? Trust me.
It's the key to street fighting.
Don't worry, Wisniewski.
I'll try not to kill you.
Ha-doo-ken! Ha-doo-ken! Ha-doo-ken! Something's wrong, Malloy.
- The fireballs aren't coming out.
- Keep trying.
Ha-doo-ken! Ha-doo-ken! Uh, sonic boom! Sonic boom! Uh, yoga-flame.
[groaning] Somebody help me! No, no.
It's time to take control of my life! Steve, eat this power pellet.
Okay! [gagging] You know, I just realized I forgot to pack any food.
Well, Denzel, you know what they say.
Whenever you feel hungry or your tummy starts to growl it helps to have some tasty friends Like me, spaghetti owl! All: # Eat us, eat us # we're the tastiest friends around eat us, eat us no need to go into town because when you've got friends who Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing? Ah! My eye! I'm blind! What have you done? You crazy bastard! What? You were singing a song called "eat us.
" It was just a song.
We thought you were our friend, not a sick cannibal.
But I was hungry, and y'all are made out of pasta! - What's wrong with you? - My eye! [wailing] Let's teach him a lesson.
We'll eat him.
Get back, all of you! I'll torch every single one of you delicious mother[bleep]s.
- Oh, man! - Whoa! Oh, shiiiii Could you tell me when he hits the ground? I no longer have depth perception.
The coyote says - A-roo! - That's right.
You're on your way to being a great ranger.
- Yay! - I think we're ready for the "plant or animal" coloring book.
Be right back.
Oh, in the meantime, study these forest flash cards.
Oh, my god.
That's a Fiery! And it's right where the sanctuary is! This is it, Amber.
It's time to be a great ranger.
Amber, where'd you go? I was thinking we could do arts and crafts next.
We can work on our scissoring.
Did someone say, "scissoring?" [camera clicks] You know, Malloy, it feels good to finally take control of my life.
What are you talking about? Your mom's been banging Wisniewski for a half an hour.
Suck that, you [bleep] dick.
Yeah, but I called her.
It was my decision.
That's taking control.
Next week, regular time? Mom, I now realize that you were only banging everyone because you love me.
Thanks for [bleep]-ing my life up all the way to the top! Top of the world, Steve.
You're a fat park ranger, and your mom's a dirty whore.
Amber? Amber! Has anyone seen Amber? Ethel, I I think we lost her.
[laughs] I did it! - I saved them! - Whoa.
Did I get burned a little? I can't really feel anything.
It's not bad.
Here.
Ooh, much better.
You were right, Ethel.
I can be a great ranger.
So, um thank you for your bravery, and, um Amber, you're fired.
Oh! Because I have a couple of burns? No, because I can see through your face.
Ethel, tell them what you told me, that it's not about looks.
It's about what's on the inside.
You know what, Woody? Amber's right.
Looks or no looks, she does belong at Brickleberry.
And I know the perfect place for her.
All: # Eat us, eat us # # we're the tastiest friends around # eat us, eat us no need to go into town