Broad City (2014) s04e02 Episode Script

Twaining Day

1 Do you think that I should keep my bangs growing out long or cut 'em like Amelie style? Keep 'em growing out, more witchy.
Bangs growing out are witchy? Yeah, but das a good thing.
Witch shit is (bleep) hot, dawg.
Hot dog! So, you're gonna head inside right here, Judy's gonna be in there to greet you and help you fill out all your paperwork.
And remember, you are a strong queen.
Your body, your choice.
(man) Don't go in there! Don't! They're God's children.
(man) You're killing the innocent! You don't know how much you need that! (coughing) You need to chill! So what else is witchy? Clogs, long nails.
Short nails, soup.
Flutes? Yas, flutes.
Why are we doing this? (woman) What if they had aborted baby Jesus? Four and three and two and one (elevator dings) How's it going? Got one? Ooh! Oh! My man! Mm.
Abs? Dara, hey.
(clears throat) I was just checking out Uh, the chair, making sure the height was right.
Got the cappuccino.
Collated the logos for your 3:00 p.
And what about the cat food? Yes, cat food right over here, totally organic.
Also, okay, so I had a couple free hours last night, I did some mock-ups for the brochures What about the kitty litter? Yeah, I thought I'd put everything over - I mean, is it organic? - Is it I didn't know that the kitty litter could be organic as well.
Well, I have enough kitty litter for today, but please pick up some tomorrow.
First thing.
All right! Rock star.
- Hey, Abs? - Ooh, yeah.
Did you get her moccasins back from the cobbler? Right, so the front pair, they're still working on the bead work, rear pair is all done.
Both sets should be finished by the time Amanda's out of the spa weekend.
You know what? I'm gonna call right now and I'm gonna be like, hey, guys, get your shit together.
Thank you.
I love my new job.
(sighs) Mm.
Bye-bye to the prim and the proper Bye-bye to the pink and the posture Ay yi yi Bye-bye to everything in time (cell phone vibrating) Hello? Hey, I've got a package here for Abbi Abrams at "Soul-stice," but they're telling me you don't work here anymore, yo.
Um, yeah.
No, I I'm at a new job.
It must have been shipped to my default address.
Is there any way that you could ship it to my new address? Nah, I could have it destroyed or taken to our distribution center on North Brother Island.
No, no, no, no, no, please don't do that, um You know what? Leave it, leave it, I will come and get it.
- Okay.
- Great.
(cell phone ringing) What up, my fellow Ashkenazi Jew? Emergency, dude.
Okay, so I accidentally sent a package to Soulstice.
- Ooh.
- I know.
Can you do me a huge, huge favor and go pick it up for me? I can't go back there.
Why not? 'Cause you crushed Trey and fully disrespected his existence? Or because you staged your own Publisher's Clearinghouse at the gym? Uh, it was Powerball, but both.
Oh, right.
Are you eating a baked potato? Well, it's cut in half, so it's a lunch potato and a dinner potato.
Anyway, I would go to Soulstice, but I can't.
I have that interview, finally, that Jaime hooked me up with.
So freakin' broke, dude.
So broke! I guess I could make up a lie and get out of work.
Well, good luck, m' witch.
Keep me posted.
(kissing) Bye.
(musical flourish) (knocking) Hey, Dara.
Um I just found out my parents are getting divorced.
Yeah, um Yeah, I I think I need to take an emergency therapy session today.
Oh, like, now? - Yeah, today.
- All right.
- You go, take care of this.
- Thank you.
Thank you for being so honest about your need for mental help.
(softly) Okay, great.
We're not open.
Get out.
My name is Ilana Wexler.
I have an interview about the waitressing job.
Oh, you're friends with the little Guatemalan boy.
What are you, five-two? Five-one-and-a-half.
I'm sorry.
(sighs) Okay.
So you waited tables in Long Island? Yes, but Dumper's Post was way more sophisticated than it sounds.
I also served at the Golden Heirloom, a home for the elderly.
I would birdfeed them tapioca.
Wait, stop.
Listen The only way to make it in the world of Manhattan restauranteries is to be a Kween of Mean.
And I can already tell, you don't have it.
Look, why don't you go work in a Connecticut Muffin, honey.
Oh, no.
And when you turn into a Conneti (bleep) muffin, you can come back to Sushi Mambeaux, okay? Great.
Be gone.
Get your shit.
Okay, all right.
You know what? You're a general manager at a restaurant with a B health grade, so maybe you wanna drop the (bleep) attitude.
And just because "Sex & the City" filmed here 25 years ago one time, doesn't mean that I need this, so (bleep) you and your Manhattan restauranteries.
You're hired.
(softly) Just get in and get out.
Hey, um I'm looking for a package.
This isn't a post office.
This is a gym for people to work out.
Yeah, I know what a gym is.
Can you just look for a package for Abbi? I used to work here.
My name is Abbi Abrams.
Piece of work.
No, I wouldn't recommend steroids for you yet.
(bleep) But We'll see where we wanna go.
You wanna get really big, where you can lift a dancer, - we might think about it.
- Okay.
Nice grip, Shania.
You're getting strong.
Forearm's good.
Shania Twain! - Hey.
- Ilana, it's me.
Okay, I'm at Soulstice, and you will never guess who is training here today.
Canadian queen of country pop, Shania Twain, dude! Okay, cool.
(cell phone vibrating) Yes? Hey, I think you have bad service, 'cause it just No, I I hung up on you.
Dude, you cannot keep lying about this Shania shit.
It's getting weird.
She is here.
I just saw her.
Abbi, you're a (bleep) liar.
Whoa, Ilana, Jesus.
Sorry, I'm training for my new job as a bitch waitress, and I'm getting really good at it.
But listen, you lied to quit Soulstice, you lied to get out of work today, and your most egregious lie was Shania, 'cause that was to me.
You're my pretty little liar and that's the truth.
Okay, well, you know what? I'm gonna prove it to you.
I'm going back in.
I hope you mean go to therapy, 'cause this lie is getting tragic.
Love you.
Yeah, I love you, too! God.
This is so hard.
Okay, we're just warming up your wrist, Shania.
You got this, all right? Okay, okay, okay Ow, ow, ow, ow! My wrist, my wrist, my wrist! Hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's going on over here? This lady was trying to take a picture of Shania.
At ease, Maria.
- Shania, take five.
- How about 15? I'm gonna hit the smoothie bar.
Man, I feel like a smoothie Okay, Trey, I can explain what's happening.
No, I know why you're here.
You came to talk about what happened with us.
No, I I accidentally sent a package to the front desk.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
But, Trey, I texted you a bunch of times and you didn't respond, so I just figured that you did not want to see me again.
I just wasn't ready to talk yet.
But before I knew it, you quit 'cause you "won Powerball.
" I didn't win Powerball.
Yeah, I know, that's why I did this.
They're called air quotes.
Does everybody know? I think so, air quotes are pretty big now.
Okay, well, listen, I'm I'm trying to be a better person now and that's why, actually, I was taking the secret pics of Shania.
Oh, Abbi, I think that headlock really messed you up.
No, okay.
I have been lying about training Shania Twain for, like, years.
And I was just trying to prove that she was here and then it would be true or something, I don't know.
I mean, just let me take one pic.
Abbi! Okay, Trey, just listen.
Let me train her with you, okay? I could be your Goose.
Do not bring up "Top Gun" right now.
I need to be honest now.
Let me Just let me do this, please.
(sighs) I can't believe I'm saying this, but okay, you can train her with me.
But I gotta warn you, she has a naturally gorgeous body, incredible genes, so she does not like to work out.
It is a real challenge.
I knew "Top Gun" would work.
Don't expect anyone to learn your name.
That's Parker.
I call him Mini-Me, because he wants to be me so bad.
That's Kara.
I call her The Wall.
Drake texts her.
She doesn't text back.
(sighs) That's Owen.
I call him Valtrex.
He has herpes.
No shade, most people have herpes.
That's Brenda.
She doesn't have a nickname, wouldn't allow it.
She came with the building.
So if you're the right fit, your nickname will find you.
I'm putting you in section eight tonight.
And one last thing.
Don't (bleep) it up.
You got it.
You got it, man.
- Hey, Shania, this is - Abbi.
Hi Shania Twain.
You have no idea how many times I have said that this has happened.
Okay! Let's work out.
All right? Let's go, girls.
All right, strong core, nice.
Great, you look It looks great, Shania.
Keep those hips back.
Can we stop? I just Honestly, I want to go home and watch "Friends.
" - Oh, I love "Friends.
" - Oh, I love "Friends.
" I'm such a Chandler.
- I'm such a Ross.
- Total Rachel.
A little Gunther, also.
Oh, I'm a little bit Phoebe.
(clears throat) Trey, you have to do the Ross impression.
- No - Please.
- No.
- Come on, I wanna see it.
If you do it, I'll do the climber.
(imitating Ross) Uh, uh, uh, uh Fine by me! Ha ha! You know what? You owe me a stair climber, so let's move, okay? Yeah, you owe us a climber! (Trey) Come on.
What's the petit uni? Oh.
If you have to ask, it's probably not for you-ni.
(chuckles) No, I know.
We'll have eight.
I'm so sorry, we do not accept Medicaid.
How dare you?! We want your most expensive entrees.
Did you two take the bridge or the tunnel to get here today? Ugh! My dad owns H&M.
We'll take one of everything, you whore.
Played you, bitch.
Mmm, oh, God, what are you doing? This isn't you! You lift people up, you don't tear them down! Hm.
Yeah, that's right! (kisses) Marcel, um I'm really struggling to be mean.
This just isn't me.
I I have to quit.
Oh, you dropped your scarf.
Oh, my old knees.
Brenda, oh, my God, I'm so sorry! Don't touch me! Oh, why, why? Why me?! Oh! Brenda, I'm so sorry! You did it on purpose, you bitch! (Brenda moaning) You almost had me fooled.
Marcel, no, it was an accident, obviously.
Doing bodily harm Please Come on, I didn't Not You a regular Tonya Harding.
I think we found your nickname.
Oh! Other Tonya.
- Perfect.
- Get away from me.
Strap on your strap-on, lace up your skates, 'cause it's time to dance.
I'm upgrading you to section two.
Fine, I'm in.
But this time I'm doing it my way.
All right, we're gonna finish up with some bungee flies.
- You wanna demo? - Yeah, okay.
Step in, step in.
You kinda do a little squat here.
Uhh! And you just crunch it up like this.
Full body Abbi, you know what? Let me do that.
Let's switch up.
I just think seeing it from this angle might be, a little bit, ahem, safer.
So you're gonna keep your feet shoulder width apart.
Squeeze your arms together.
Really squeezing that chest, okay? Squeeze and hold.
Squeeze and hold.
Get some blood flowing.
Nice and fast then.
- You feel it? - I feel it.
- You feel that pump? - I feel it.
- Oh, Shania! Hey! - Shania! - Shania - Twain.
We're gonna cool down.
Ready for a cool-down? - Stretch.
- Yeah? - And be cool.
- Yeah, let's stretch you out.
We're gonna do an assisted scorpion stretch, so why don't you hop on the mat? I forgot how to do that.
Why don't the two of you show me? Sure.
Um, Abbi, you wanna hop on the mat there, and I'll just stretch you out.
Just totally Okay.
Um I know that's your go-to, but it's actually on your back.
So you're gonna get down on your back, face up.
On your back, on your back.
We're just gonna do a nice stretch of your hamstrings and your glutes, so just You're gonna want to breathe into the stretch.
Breathe in deep.
- You feel that? - Yeah, I feel it.
- Is that good? - Yeah, that's good.
- Hot.
- Oh, my gosh, Shania, Shania! Okay.
I'm just gonna go use the bathroom and I'll be right back, okay? BRB.
- Uh, Shania, let's, uh - Let's dish.
Oh, okay.
So, what's going on between you two co-eds anyway? What do you mean? I mean sex.
Not all Canadians are prudes, you know.
Okay, we had a thing, for sure, but it's it's over.
You're lying.
- What? - I can tell.
Listen, I'm a maker of love songs, a chanteuse.
I can smell that there's chemistry between you guys.
When there's a spark, you gotta ride it.
Damn, that's a good lyric.
When there's a spark, you gotta ride it Oh, when you're in love, don't hide it Ooh! (bleep), I'm good.
- Trey.
- Abbi Um Say it.
Abbi, we can't do this again.
Say it, Trey.
Just say it once.
You're a good witch, not a bad witch.
Can I interest anybody in a cognake? This is a cognac and sake cocktail.
Is it good? Your eyes are stunning.
Oh! I'll take it.
With that body, please.
You could use a little more cushion for the pushin'.
You're right.
We'll have three wasabi soufflés.
What y'all gonna have? (all laughing) Ah, bon soir.
(all laughing) Are you guys high on weed? I'm getting you 17 spicy escargot wontons, stat.
Thank you so much, Tim Foil.
(kisses) I don't like what the new girl's done with this space.
We gotta go somewhere else.
I'm I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Trey.
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- All right.
(toilet flushing) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
This is triggering, we gotta go somewhere else, this is gross.
- Oh, okay.
- All right.
Well, Other Tonya, looks like you skipped the gold and went straight for the green.
I didn't even have to be mean.
I made $800.
Okay, y'all.
I'm off to bring the leftover food to the homeless of New York City.
Marcel, that's unbelievable, that is so sweet.
J-K, Miss Thing.
I'm going to a party at Andy Cohen's place.
See you hookers tomorrow.
Bye, Marcel.
Good night, Dad.
What'd you say? Well, the reason why I took this job was because I wanted to reconnect with my fa Bye, guys.
Taxi! They said I bet Oh! Ow, ow, ow! Oh, my dick! Oh, ow.
I think I broke my dick.
Okay, uh, uh, Shania! You call Can you call 9-1-1? Yeah, his dick is definitely broken.
I'll figure it out.
It's your standard penile fracture.
We may have to operate.
Sorry, man.
Ma'am? No, no, I said man.
Okay, cool, thanks, Doctor.
Oh, I'm not a doctor.
Trey, I am so, so sorry.
No, come on, it's not your fault.
No, I shouldn't have come in today, this was a mistake.
Are you kidding? I'm so glad you came back.
Yeah? We should have kept it like this, you know? Physical.
Yeah, well, when there's a spark, you gotta ride it.
I mean, who knows? I think we do know, Abbi.
I mean, you're not the relationship type, right? Yeah, totally.
You're single Abbi, and that's cool.
Independent woman.
Respect, mad respect.
Good-bye, Abbi.
Bye, Trey.
Wheel me off.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Mike? Mike.
- Let me get your number.
- Okay.
'Cause I am a relationship gal.
So this is Shania and I doing partner-heel taps.
This one is Shania's feet under the bathroom stall.
She wasn't even peeing.
She was just watching an episode of "Scandal.
" Congratulations.
You trained Shania.
I know.
I'm really feeling like honesty is the best policy.
It's the foundation of any long-term relationship, you know? Ours? Yeah, totally.
But I was talking about Mike and I.
Who? Mike, the paramedic I met tonight, who I'm now dating.
- Total Totally.
- Yeah.
You know, I am pretty impressed what a four-year supply of Plan B yields.
- You need it, we have it.
- Incredible.
If I need it, we have it.
And if we ever have any other female friends, we will give it to them.
It's available to them.