Broad City (2014) s04e04 Episode Script


1 Oyster.
- Ahh maitake.
- Dang.
Touch of Himalayan sea salt.
Himalayan sea salt.
Okay, okay, morels.
Spongy mushroom in a dark sauce.
- So good.
- So good.
Fennell seeds, please.
Have you ever heard of hen of the woods? Yeah, I've heard of hen of the woods.
- No, I know.
- Hen of the woods are literally, like, what? Hen of the woods are literally, like, what? - Exactly.
- Oh, portabella.
- Oh, obvious.
That's, like, durr.
- Durr.
Well, what are these ones called? I think they're just called shrooms.
- Yeah.
- Shrooms.
Whew! (squealing) So, the fat in the yogurt activates the psilocybin in the mushrooms, however, it slow down digestion, thus yielding the perfect stroganina timeline for today's trip.
All right.
(sighing) B-R-B, life.
"Hwelcome" to "hwitch hworld," baby.
I could eat this every day.
Yeah, it's It tastes really good.
Whistle, Tootsie Pop.
Water, charger, passports, dreamcatcher, backup dreamcatcher.
So, are you feeling anything yet? - No.
Did you pee? - Um, I did.
Like, in the bathroom.
Not, like, right this minute.
(gasping) Dude are you seeing what I'm seeing? The dust ruffle's blowing, as if in the wind, but the windows are shut.
(both, echoing) The dust ruffle's blowing, as if in the wind, but the windows are shut! (voice) Four and three and So you are, like, feeling it? Uh (high-pitched) yeah.
Four and three and two and one-one Then I realized, I don't have permanent mono, I'm just a little allergic to almond milk.
- Can I just say one thing? - Please, say it.
Love is cool.
It's just cool.
Love is cool.
It's like the cure.
(whistling, booming) I mean, can I just say one thing? Please, say it.
Sometimes I think about babies.
I think about it all the time.
A person pussy-poops another person.
And then produces milk to make it grow to be human-sized? That's comic book shit.
Moms are literal superheroes.
I mean, can you imagine how much love you must feel when you have a baby? They have supa-dupa love, like that song, "Supa Duper Love," by Joss Stone.
That's the (bleep) power! God, we're gonna be good moms.
Hey, get outta the way.
Is it weird my nipples are sore? No, that is perfectly normal.
Mine are bleeding.
(cat screeching) (car horn honking) Did you ever think about getting a bra for your butt? (wolf-whistling) No do you think I should? No way.
Let 'em swang, sister.
Woo! Woohoo! Look at 'em go! That is a powerful ass.
Feeling it! (chuckling) Oh, boy.
Oh, girl.
Tunnels are so intense.
They're a microcosm of the whole trip.
A microcosm! We're okay, we're okay, take my hand.
Oh (cawing) (both screaming) I'm squeezing my core.
I don't know why.
- It's watching us! - Oh, my God, go faster, go faster.
(Ilana screaming) Oh, I love you, man.
I love you too, man.
Turned out she was convicted of arson, but now she's a crossfit trainer.
Eliot says she's the best one.
That makes so much sense Whoa.
Did you hear that? (different chimes) (chimes, cymbal crash) This is amazing! (echoing) Oh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Yeah! Woo! Woo! Woohoo! (ah-oo-gah horn) (voice) Oh, oh! (voice) Oh, yeah! Mm, mmm! Mmm! Ooh, ahh, ahh! - Ahh! - Yass! - Abbi! - Ilana! - Oh, Abbi! - Oh, Ilana! Abbi! Abbi! (gibberish) Ilana! (gibberish) (car horns honking) Holy shit, music is so powerful.
Something feels off.
It is time for us to go.
Oh, I feel it, too.
Down here, down here.
(both) Whoa! - (voice) Look at that.
- Hi! - Bingo Bronson! - Oh, hi! - Hey, Ilana.
- Oh.
(voice) It's gorgeous.
Mmm watermelon.
Love is so cool.
It really is.
We should write that down.
For what? Sometimes I just feel like our dynamic is special, and we should capture it.
I feel like people would really relate to it.
(thrumming) Oh, I think I brought my vibrator.
Dude, maybe I am changing.
Maybe it's just your phone.
(bleep)! Shit, Dara needs me tonight! But it's the weekend! I know! Okay, she wrote, "Abbi, I'm so sorry to ask you this, "but I need you to pick up 100 macarons "for my wife's birthday and bring them to my house in the next hour.
" What? Have I been talking for a long time? No, just, like, a second.
Just finish the text! "So, I know it's the weekend" but I really need this stupid, inedible dessert.
She's French.
- Reality - Penetrating Hold my hand! Ahh! (both screaming) (tongues slurping) (Abbi) Thank God we have these lollipops.
Okay, okay, You know what? It's okay.
We're okay.
We're fine, totally calm and cool as cucumbers.
This doesn't have to totally change our day.
No, no, it doesn't.
Macarons are very colorful and vibrant, - and that is good.
- Yeah, they are.
I mean, I don't actually like them, like, flavorwise.
- No.
- But we'll just go and get a hundred macarons (sighing) sneak into Dara's house, so her wife doesn't find out that this was an afterthought.
Easy, so easy - Mm-hmm.
- And not stressful.
Mm-hmm, we are on a legit secret mission for love, and that, my friend, is cool.
Good call.
That is cool.
- Mmm.
- Totally cool.
Isn't it nuts that pickles were cucumbers? They're the trans people of the vegetable community.
(distorted accordion) (both) Wow Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
The colors Macarons taste terrible, but God, are they pretty.
Look at him.
Bonjour, mademoiselle.
Bienvenue a la Boutique de Macaron.
(speaking French) Sorry, I only took French for seven years.
I have no idea what you're saying.
(chuckling) (speaking French) I've never been to Paris.
God, it really is so beautiful.
But French people just want to make everything, like, fancy.
Like, their fries.
(French accent) It is like, we all love ze food.
You are not special because you love ze food.
Ilana, you know that being racist against white people is still being racist.
Eh, I dunno.
(tinny-voiced) Woohoo! Yay! Viva la resistance! Au revoir (speaking French) (grunting) Merci beaucoup, monsieur.
Au revoir! (subway tone) (whistling, booming) Hey.
Come on in, come on.
Okay, let's set these bad boys up.
All right.
You are saving my ass, Abbi, I owe you one.
There is no reason why I was not prepared to do this exact task on a day such as today.
I should have known she was gonna want macarons and not carrot cake.
And she's been hinting about it all week.
I (bleep) hate hints.
I never respond to 'em.
Just say what you want.
- Totally.
- Hints are the worst.
It's like, do you want to tell me the thing you're trying to tell me about? Please just tell me directly what you want, 'cause then I'll do the thing.
I'll do the damn thing, I just need a (bleep) clue.
Thank you, thank you for helping out.
And please stay.
Eat, drink, mingle.
I'm gonna get my girl.
(wolf howling) (wolf whistle) Wow.
(chuckling) So you're in town just for one more night.
Yeah, with Did you meet my partner? Dean? I have not.
He looks smart.
That's That's what I'm getting.
Well, we are always looking for someone to show us a good time.
Do you mean, like Yeah.
(gasping) You really came through tonight, Ab.
You know, I've been wanting to talk to you.
I checked out your website recently, Abbilicious.
com? Oh, that's old.
That's from college.
Really wonderful stuff.
Funny, great sense of color.
I was thinking we should get dinner.
Yeah, maybe one night this week.
Talk about your goals and you potentially taking on more creative assignments.
That sound good? Yeah, that sounds That sounds I hear it.
Check out my schedule and put it on the books.
Okay, great.
Sounds great.
Well, well, well Looks like Abbi's night's turning around, huh? - Abbi! - (cat screeching) Hey.
- Come with me.
- All right.
- Where are we going? - Jesus Christ.
This is not a joke.
(chuckling) (clearing throat) So, um, how are you feeling? Yeah, I'm feeling, definitely, like, a little bit different, right? - We're dropping, right? - Yeah.
Our serotonin is, like, fully (bleep) depleted.
- Yeah.
- We're just gonna blaze - and boost ourselves right back up.
- Okay.
Dara wants to schedule a dinner with me, just us, to talk about me taking on more creative assignments.
(inhaling) Creative assignments? - Yeah.
- Yass, beesh! My body still feels, like, kinda weird right now, but I'm able to process that this is, like, really good.
We are thriving.
I'm about to (bleep) two of the hottest people I've ever seen, a couple.
And the woman is older! (chuckling) And they wooed me.
Ilana Love is like - It's like sort of like - It's like, it's - No, it's just yes! - Cool.
And you are, like zzhhh And you, like, find it every time, it's like, I don't know how you do it.
And we are just on this, like (voice slowing) wild journey that we call life.
I am feeling that weed.
- Hmm - On top of the - (high-pitched) Yes.
On top.
- (high-pitched) It's feeling like - I do feel it.
- It is a cumulative experience.
- (echoing) It's not nothing.
- (echoing) Very much like - a pressurized part.
- You know what? - I think we've had enough.
- I feel like I had enough.
- I had a bunch.
- Cha-ching, see ya.
And I'm just, um, gonna go have comfortable sex at this hot couple's hotel, and I'm really gonna miss you, and I love you so much.
Ilana, I love you, too.
(both chuckling) (both snorting) (both chuckling) Okay I'm gonna go.
Pussy pussy pussy puss pussy pussy pussy I have a huge pussy huge.
Could fit you both, probably.
Um, so should we set up some rules or guidelines or a safe word? Wow, wow, you guys are like hard-bodied Greek statues.
I hope you're into a soft Russian peasant body.
(chuckling) Wow, so stimulating.
Really hot.
Woo! Yowza.
Holy Moly, wow, okay, cool abs.
Penis perfect.
Incredible tits.
(man) It's like the Sahara down here.
I must be so dehydrated from all the squirting and (bleep) I do.
I'll I'll B-R-B.
I'll B-R-B.
(adjusting dial) (big band) (adjusting dial) (pop song) Okay.
(meowing) (sighing) Okay, I'll let you out.
(clearing throat) Go ahead.
(mewling) Okay.
(squish, meow) You know what? I just need a minute.
Get it together, we'll go out to the party, and then we will be ourselves with this bunch of strangers.
All right.
This is good, I feel better.
Oh, my God.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Holy shit, holy shit.
I'm brave, and I am super cool.
Yeah, no shit! It's me.
Ilana Rodham-Obama Wexler.
Jew-nami! Woo! Vulvarine! Ow! Nikki Min-Ashkenazi! Uh! I'm free, and I'm wild, and I got big o'titties.
Come on, kids.
Aniston out.
Come on, come on, here we go.
Come on! Hey! Ilana.
Proper oral hygiene stimulates more than just your gums.
Woohoo! Ready to (bleep)! I want you to put that on.
You guys picked it up in the village? I want you to enter Dean from behind while he (bleep) me out.
Dope! Very cool.
You guys are efficient.
Okay, entering and (bleep) out.
It's weird you're seeing me in a random suitcase, but you still have my suitcase, and that's a visual reminder of me, so this train of mental hallucination makes sense.
Totally makes sense.
But back to business.
Wow, Ilana.
This is what you always wanted.
This is your dream.
Kudos! I have to, um, poop hard.
(meowing echoing) Okay.
It's okay, okay.
Oprah, Oprah.
(screeching) Mark Ruffalo.
Flutes, flutes, uh Music is great.
Music is great.
(groaning) Pugs, pug puppies.
(meowing) (screaming) (cat screeching) Where is that coming from? (groaning) (cat screeching) (screeching) (groaning) Stupid, stupid! What is wrong with you? I can do this.
I want this.
I'm single! Who's ready to (bleep)? - What gives? - Ilana.
What's going on? What's going on is how hot and fun I am.
See? Look at that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ow! Uh ow.
(knocking) (Dara) Hello? Dara? Oh, my God.
Thank God, Dara.
I've been locked in here for, like, hours.
You just unlocked the door.
What's going on? I'm tripping on mushrooms, and I'm having a bad trip.
I thought you were acting kinda funny, but I called you on a weekend that's my bad.
Yeah, I didn't know I wasn't ready to - I would've not.
- I get it.
We've all had bad trips.
(sighing) This too shall pass.
Just try to say that with me.
(both) This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
Let's get some fresh air in here.
Yeah, I didn't even think about that.
Yeah, that'll make you feel better.
Amanda? Amanda! Amanda asked to go outside, I just let her out! You killed my cat! What the (bleep) You (bleep) monster? You killed Amanda! No, no! (woman screaming) - Okay, I would not - She's smushed! This too shall pass, this too shall pass! This too shall not (bleep) pass! You're fired.
Get the hell out of my house.
- Wait, wait, wait, this is a - Now! Okay, okay, yeah.
(bleep) drug addict.
- Oh, Amanda! - Okay, just let me okay.
(sniffing) Let's do this.
Doesn't look that high.
Guess they have to carb-load after their (bleep) hike.
Not into it.
Dodged a (bleep) bullet.
I wouldn't want that kind of intimacy.
(clearing throat) (neck cracks) Cute.
So cute.
I love them.
Oh, I hate them.
(bleep)! (bleep)! (bleep)! (bleep)! Hey, li'l kid, what's poppin'? Hey, li'l kid, what's poppin'? No, we don't want no problem (sniffing) (sighing) Hey, li'l kid, what's poppin'? Delete.
Unfollow, unfollow, unfriend! (sniffing) (sighing) I feel better.
Yeah, good job, dude.
I'm proud of you.
That was also the same sound the cat made as it died slowly.
It's not your fault.
Isn't it, though? Yes.