Broad City (2014) s05e04 Episode Script

Make the Space

1 I've been grindin' all day Mnh.
God, I'm gonna go down a full shoe size after this.
Whew! Tryin' to be the greatest of all time Yeah, not bad.
- Hola! - Hey! - Hi! Hello! - Hola.
I was just cleaning up my bunions.
I think that's actually a callus.
Right, girl? It's staring at me.
[LAUGHS] - It's really good to see you, though.
- You too! - Man, I love when you come here.
- Oh, me too.
- Mwah! Mwah! - Ah! Love seeing you.
Mwah! - Mwah! [LAUGHS] - Oh.
So many kisses.
Oh, my gosh.
Hello.
Missed you.
You too, baby.
Look.
I brought you some hydrangeas from my garden.
- Flowers?! In a vase?! - Mmm! New Jersey Hydrangeas! Hello! Okay, what are you guys up to today? 'Cause I could really use some help tackling my ingrowns.
It's honestly a three-person job.
I would love to.
I would.
But we're going actually to the Javits Center - to see a big car show.
- What?! Here we come! Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom! Ah, so I'm gonna go change.
Feel free to chill here.
No peeking, okay? Go away.
[LAUGHS] Johnny, would you be a pal and towel me up? - I'm a little raw! - Yeah.
Whoa! Watch out! You got to use the tongs so you don't burn yourself.
- My feet are raw, girl.
Yikes.
- Ahh.
- There you go.
Yeah.
- Thank you.
Okay, so, how's it freakin' going? Really good.
I actually just redid my kitchen.
But isn't your landlord gonna, like, wreck you for that? Goodbye Credit Karma or whatever? I own my apartment, so I think I'll be all right.
That is so insane.
I forgot-slash-didn't really know that was an option.
You are so mature and adult.
I love you two together.
Ooh! And I love that outfit! - Look at you! - Gracias.
No, it's just an old handkerchief I found lying around.
That old thing? [LAUGHS] You know, Jaimé, I'm, like, smelling something funky.
I feel like the apartment smells funkier than usual in here.
Mi amora, I don't mean to be mean, but I think it's your disgusting feet.
- Okay.
- Like, I can taste it.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
And I don't want you guys to be scared to come back.
It's gonna My tootsies are gonna be fresh to death by the time you get back, if you choose to come back.
Okay.
Give me a squeeze.
I'm gonna go.
- All right.
Mwah! - Love you, baby.
- Have fun at the show.
- Mm, bye.
Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! And 4 and 3 and 2 and 1 LISA: Okay, folks, let's talk about this month's aesthetic.
As you know, the theme is birds again.
Um, the window has to be awesome.
It wants to make the customer feel like they can just walk in and maybe, as they get in here, they might just take flight.
I think we should start with a huge bird on the back.
I think that could be our feature, and we can just pull it all Oh, totally! I love that idea! Ti It's timeless.
And and timely.
Time's Up, right? [CHUCKLES] Anyway, I happen to have an idea for next month's window display, and I was like, "I should share it!" This is, like, a cool corporate environment where I should share my ideas when I get them, right? So, I've been really inspired lately by Gershwin's "Rhapsody in Blue.
" It would be, like, a great way to, like, really tribute classic New York City.
Like, we Ma'am, where can I find that shirt? Okay, you can call me "miss," and this guy right here is gonna be around the corner at the bottom of the stairs.
But if you hit the vanity made of vintage teacups, you've gone too far.
Okay, so, picture this display, right? It's a beautiful cityscape made of instruments.
I I think that it would be a really incredible way to show the melody of the city.
Ma'am, where can I find the, um [SNIFFS] the smelly sticks? Mm.
You can call me "miss.
" And you call the smelly sticks "sage smudging wands," and they're gonna be over there in the corner, right next to the robin's nest Caucasian headdresses.
I would be honored to lead this project.
You're not ready yet.
Just doesn't happen overnight.
Plus, you're an amazing sales associate! I c I can't afford to lose you from the floor.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Okay? - Thank you.
I'm gonna go sa I'm gonna go sell.
- Great sales associate.
- Love it.
Yes.
Right.
As I was saying Ooh.
[SNIFFING] [SNIFFING] Aaaah! - Hey.
- Hey.
Dude, thank God.
Thank God you're here.
- What is going on in here? - Okay.
A long time ago, I promised Jaimé I would never enter his room.
Okay, wait.
Sorry.
The whole time that you've lived here, you've never gone in Jaimé's room before? Correct.
He asked me not to, so I wasn't about to be another greedy-ass white person who thinks they're owed dominion over every single brown person's territory.
Who do you think I am, some sort of Christina Columbus? No, no, I I don't think that.
Okay, but then today I smelled a smell so bad, it was the stench of death.
And I just had to look in his room.
And that's when I discovered What? Dude, what did you discover? Okay.
I need to warn you.
It's really, really bad.
Like, have you ever seen "American Psycho"? - Yeah.
- Or "Sicario"? No, I didn't see that.
Or Matt Damon try to talk about sexual assault? - [GASPS] - 'Cause this is worse.
Jaimé is a hoarder.
Let's go Heads up Let's go Heads up Let's go Ilana, I think I found the source! Whew! Ugh! Ugh.
I smell it.
- [COUGHS] - Okay, now I know he's crazy.
I mean, who doesn't finish an everything bagel with cream cheese? Okay, Abbi, we don't call people "crazy" - 'cause it stigmatizes mental illness.
- Yeah, okay.
Maybe he meant to finish it, but then it fell behind this tube of rocks? - Oh, my God.
- But he didn't notice the smell? Abbi, denial ain't just a river in, um He's in denial.
Back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up Back it up, back it up, back it up, back, heads up Oh, God.
I could not have done this without you.
Thank you so much for leaving work for this.
Yeah, it's not like they even need me there.
I told Lisa about the window-display idea, and she was like, "You're just not ready.
" Ugh! She cannot talk to you like that.
She's not the boss of you.
I mean, she literally is the boss of me.
She's my boss.
Wait.
It is, like, so cuckoo that Jaimé kept all my psych textbooks from college.
- Yeah.
- Like, what? Oh, my God.
Hoarding.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT] "A person who suffers from hoarding experiences extreme distress at the thought of discarding of their valued items.
" [BOTH SNICKER] - Uh, Doy-ee! - Got it.
Make you buy the book.
Duh! We're, like We We know.
All right.
I'm gonna skip ahead to the, uh, treatment section.
Okay, yeah, let's see what they have to say, huh? "Treatment absolutely never, ever, under any circumstances m-move the hoarder's possessions without them.
" Oh.
- All right.
Think it matches? - Close enough, right? So good you took this photo, dude.
Oh, my God, I needed to.
My mother lives for this shit.
Whenever she's on a diet and needs to stop herself from eating, she just Googles hoarder photos.
Loses her appetite immediately.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION] [CHUCKLES] Hi.
What? Hello.
Welcome.
Jaimé, Johnny, please take a seat.
Okay.
Hola, Abbi.
Hi.
Hey.
- Wait.
I think I'm gonna go.
- No! You helped me decorate my whole office.
You don't want to see the magic happen in it? Okay, listen, I thought that I could do this, but when my parents got divorced, I had to go through a lot of therapy, and this is actually very triggering for me.
- Mm.
- I'm not good with therapy.
Okay.
If you stay, you can have some of the cheese.
Ilana.
W-What the hell is going on? Okay, so, before we begin, I want to assure you I would never share what happens in this room with anybody in my personal life.
But is that because, like, most of the people in your personal life are, like, in this room right now? Mm.
So true.
See, we are already making some excellent discoveries here.
I'm just gonna write this down.
Where'd you get that? Did Did you go in my room? I-I'm sorry, but this is what I wanted to talk to you about.
That I-I know that you're a h-hoarder.
- What? - I'm sorry, okay? - It It's okay.
We love you.
- We love you.
And we just want to help.
Okay? I had to go in your room because I smelled what I thought could only be the stench of death.
But then I later discovered it was an unfinished everything bagel with cream cheese, which no judgment is way worse.
- Who doesn't finish an everything bagel? - Right? I am not playing this little game, okay? And don't go into my room again.
- Jaimé.
- Jaimé.
Jaimé, wait.
Hold on.
Hold on a second.
Come here.
Here, babe.
It's okay.
I think it's going well.
- Really good.
- Yeah.
Mmm.
Hold on.
Ilana, are you using the same cheese grater on the cheese that you're using on your feet? Yeah.
Okay.
Let's dig in.
Welcome back.
Okay, but just so you know, it's not that I'm not still mad about you going into my room.
- Not cool.
Very not cool.
- Totally not cool.
I'm glad that you're honoring your instincts.
And good for you for setting boundaries.
I just want you to explore your feelings in a judgment-free zone, okay? This is a safe space.
Well, not literally safe.
How about we start with looking at the most common causes of hoarding and see if you connect with any of them? Now, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but hoarding often develops as a coping mechanism for a feeling of a lack of control.
Does that resonate with you? W-Well, obviously, before I became a citizen, you know, I was always so anxious about my status.
And, you know, you feel this lack of control.
- Very powerless, you know? - Mm.
That's really when it started to all pile up.
Okay, I-I'm sorry to interrupt.
I'm still feeling very uncomfortable in general, and I'm also starting to feel ill, probably because I've been eating cheese that's mixed in with your heel skin.
I'm I'm so sorry that my emotions are making you this uncomfortable.
I love you and support you.
This is about Ilana's feet.
One moment, please.
Abbi, relax.
I put the grater in Barbicide after I use it on my feet.
Do you think I'm an idiot? Barbicide? Okay, so, what I'm sensing is that the hoarding Provides a sense of comfort in times of stress.
It's gotten a lot worse lately, to be honest, and I don't I don't know why, 'cause I I really have been so happy with you.
I know you have, babe.
You know, I often encounter in my work people struggling with the duality of relationships.
You know, maybe there's something about this relationship, even if it's going dopely, that's causing anxiety.
I'm sorry, but, Ilana, do I have to go to the hospital? Oh, my God.
Okay, you are wasting Jaimé's hour.
Okay? This is so unprofessional! I'll handle it, okay? [INDISTINCT ARGUING] Okay, dude, just be honest with me.
Did I or did I not eat your foot cheese? What part of "I put the cheese grater in Barbicide" before it touches the cheese" do you not understand? And not for nothing, you're probably lactose-intolerant 'cause you're an Ashkenazi Jew.
Or maybe you didn't know that.
Okay? And have you never sucked on a couple toes before? - I have sucked on toes.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Because you're lucky, girl.
A lot of people pay good money for my foot shavings.
They do? Ooh! Look at these two.
Am I good, or am I good? [CHUCKLES] All right, that is about all the time we have for this week.
Actually, we went a little bit over, but that's okay.
I want to thank you for making me confront my hoardiness, because it made me see that I was just putting it as a barrier for the next step in our relationship.
That's the best thing a therapist can hear.
Mi amor, I decided to move in with Johnny, in his house in New Jersey.
- Yeah! - A house! Oh, my goodness! No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Where the fuck is the reverse-psychology section?! - Where is it?! - Okay.
Jaimé, I don't like to say "crazy," but you are fuckin' nuts, okay? Moving to Jersey?! What are you, Bruce Springsteen?! You're like Henh, henh, huhhhggh, eghghh But I've I've never done this.
So you don't even know Bruce Springsteen? Why would you move to Jersey? Baby, listen.
You were right I need to stop self-sabotaging myself.
Now I need to take the next step with my boyfriend.
I see One therapy session, and now you're cured! - Okay, great.
- Not a real therapy session.
Please! It wasn't.
I'm sorry.
It's not.
Classic denial! You are mental, bro! ABBI: Ilana, can I talk to you for a second? Let me just talk to you for a second over here.
Okay.
If this is about the fuckin' foot cheese, I swear to God, Abbi No, listen, dude.
I think you need to take some of your own advice.
You just told Jaimé that his hoarding problem was due to maybe a lack of control, right? I feel like that's happening with you right now.
I mean, him moving out is a huge deal, and you're trying to control him.
You have to let him live his own life.
I said all that, huh? Yeah, you did.
Hey, you guys.
Fully sorry.
That was stupid.
- It's okay.
- It's not about me.
- I am so sorry.
- Mm.
It's all good.
You know, this is right for you guys.
And you know what? I think I've been scared because I have been feeling like this was coming.
Well, it's scary for me, too.
I haven't lived without you in such a long time.
But you know what? It's super easy.
Just Montclair.
It's, like, across the pond, you know? Wait.
Where's Mon-claya? - It's "Montclair.
" - Montclair! Um, so, who is this Bruce Springsteen again? Yeah, I don't really know his music.
- You don't know who The Boss is? - Mnh-mnh.
What does he sound like? - [FINGERS SNAPPING] - Yeah.
[GRUNTING] Hey, mm, hey, he-hoo-ho Hey, mm, hey, hm, hey, hmm-hmm Hey, mm, baby! - Right.
I-I now get the vibe.
- You got it? - Ah, yes.
- I get the vibe.
Hey, Johnny.
Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
- Am I a good therapist? Well, I'll tell you this.
No matter how wildly unprofessional you were, you made the space for Jaimé to talk about his issues.
That's really all you can do as a therapist, right? Just make the space.
Yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- Ah, yeah.
JAIMÉ: Come here.
Let me show you something.
- Ilana, dude! That's it! - What? "Make the space.
" I need to make the space in Anthropologie.
No one's gonna be like, "Hey, Abbi, you want to do a window display?" - No, I got to fuckin' do it myself.
- Yes! Dude, and I can use all this trash to, like, make the What was that, Abbi? What did you call it? Sorry, did I say Did I say "trash"? I meant "precious objects.
" I can use all these beautiful, precious objects to make the display.
That is it! - Yes! - This is kismet.
Follow your third eye your clit.
Right.
Yeah.
Thank you for making me stay, dude.
Really.
It was worth it.
Even if I had to eat your foot cheese.
It always is.
[SLURRING] Christina, come on! You got to let me see my baby boy! Of course I'm responsible enough to be a dad! [URINATING] Ohh.
Christina! - Nasty.
- Don't hang up! Wha No.
You're not listening.
You're not Li Christina! You're not listening! You're doing it! This is incredible! As per uszh couldn't have done it without ya.
[SNORING] [ALARM BLARING] - Ilana.
- [GASPS] We got to go, dude.
- Okay.
- We got to go.
- Good morning, bitch.
- Jesus! Ilana, what? Yeah, I guess I got carried away.
- How do I look? - Anthro-perfect.
Okay, Ilana, the most important part - is that I made the space for my art.
- That's right.
No matter what the outcome, I feel completely at peace.
You motherfuckers.
This is insane.
You know what? Zoe, you're the fucking worst.
I dare you to find someone who can fold a tunic sweater better than me! Ilana, let's go! Whatever, dude.
They don't deserve you.
Those corporate fashion fat cats don't know real art.
Yeah, that's true, but let's just get out of here.
Uhp, hold up.
Let's just take a photo real quick in front of your masterpiece.
For your portfolio! - Okay.
- Come on.
Okay.
Here we go.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] Oh, my God! - What? - Rat Bastard! Oh, my God! Ilana, what?! Okay, I-I put a rodent and hoarder trash in their window.
I think they actually made the right call.
Damn.
First Jaimé, and now Rat Bastard.
Looks like all my roommates are moving out.
Yo, you know what? It's pretty badass to be banned from every Anthropologie in the country.
Like, not many people can say that.
Yeah, I mean, that is true.
And you know what? Like, "make the space" is still, like, exactly what I need right now.
I just need to get a day job that pays the bills, and then I can focus on my artwork in my life, you know? Make the space.
Dude, yes! I am, like, so inspired by you.
You know, I know I got carried away with this whole therapist thing, but helping Jaimé with his mental health really felt, like, right and good.
I think I might want to, like, pursue it as a career thing.
Like, obviously in addition to my Phone Wigs hustle.
Dude, you would be incredible at that.
Are you serious? Yes, and totally and completely, and yes.
Ooh, my mom is gonna flip out.
Okay, I think I might, like, start, like, "researching," like, "schools" to apply to.
- Is that crazy? - No, not at all.
But, listen, you shouldn't use that word.
My therapist says it stigmatizes mental illness.
Wait.
You have a therapist? - You.
- Oh, my God.
We might have to stop our sessions because I can't be in love with my favorite patient.
[ALL GRUNTING MELODICALLY AS BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN] Like, on the streets, hey, hunhhh Yeah.
And the shoulders.
The shoulders just go Hunh, hey, secret garden There it is.
There it is!