Brockmire (2017) s01e04 Episode Script


1 Previously, on "Brockmire.
" My wife, Lucy.
She was wearing a strap-on, and plowing our neighbor, right in the ass.
Ten years ago, your breakdown in the booth and press conference were like the original viral videos.
No, the idea that our sex is actually helping the Frackers win ball games is It's ludicrous.
You and I, we're kind of like boyfriend and girlfriend.
Yeah, I know, Jim.
Lucy? Well, that guy's a quack.
I don't care what he says.
There's nothing wrong with either of us.
I know.
I've never felt better.
Well, darn it, I'll keep trying if you will.
[Laughing] Jim.
- Mm! - [Chuckles] There's an unlocked closet over there.
I knew there was a reason I didn't wear any underwear today.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Um when I came this morning, my penis made a noise like an old man getting up off a leather couch, okay? How about we just slow down the pace a little bit here? [Sighs] Uh, Jim What if What if we didn't slow down? What if we see how fast we could go? Where we wake up every morning ready to test the limits of our own pleasure.
I hear you loud and clear.
You really want to be a mommy.
I get it.
Jim, we need to talk.
Darling, we will, I promise.
Just as soon as I get back from this road trip in three weeks, okay? All right.
We'll talk then.
All right.
I love you.
I love you.
Lucy? What the hell are you doing here? I saw a clip of you on TV calling a home run, and I tracked you down.
You just vanished after the press conference, and I-I looked everywhere for you.
I finally had to declare you legally dead just to get a divorce.
You know, I was clinically dead for three minutes in a brothel in Macedonia one time.
But those girls, they're pros.
They They keep those paddles handy.
Jesus, Jim.
I feel terrible that I hurt you.
Um okay.
Well, that's ancient history.
Really, water under the bridge.
Uh, my life is fantastic now.
My broadcasting career is back on track, as you have seen.
These people, these are all my friends.
I'm doing good.
Look, there's, uh Hey, Smitty.
And old, uh, Doofer.
And hey, there's Old Two Legs.
Look at that, Two Legs.
There he is.
[Clears throat] My girlfriend.
Julia James.
Look at that.
I saved the best for last.
Like I do.
Nice to meet you.
Jules, Lucy.
Lucy, Jules.
I will give you guys some privacy.
M-My life's good, see? And And With a capital "G," and that stands for "great.
" [Chuckles] I'm so glad to hear it.
I-I just I actually came here to apologize.
Well, then, by all means, do continue.
Well, when I found out I was omnisexual, the floodgates opened and my boundaries came down so fast.
I just I could've handled it better.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you from the start.
I hear you loud and clear.
You're sorry for being such an awful nob-hungry tramp.
Jim, I'm not apologizing for my sex life.
That's who I am.
I'm apologizing for keeping it a secret.
I'm apologizing for hiding my true self like it was something to be ashamed of.
Okay, great.
Apology accepted.
All good.
Thank you.
Really? Because I still think you're holding onto a lot of anger, and I wanted to give you the chance to unload on me.
Wouldn't be the first time that happened today.
[Laughs] I can see you're not ready to, uh, joke about that yet, so I can joke about it.
Guys cumming all over you.
Please, that's hilarious.
Hey, I have moved on.
I told you that.
It's not like you reduced me to some kind of emotionally crippled, incandescent ball of hatred or anything.
Come on now.
So Yeah! Well, if you change your mind and you do want to talk, I'll be here for a few days at the Marlowe Inn.
Room 114.
All right.
Well Well, hey, you know, if you have company, do lock the door this time.
[Laughs] Now I'm the one who's joking about it.
[Laughing] [Continues laughing] Ha! [Car alarm blaring] [Continues laughing] [Sighs] Oh, man! [Laughing] Was that ever a non-event.
[Chuckles] [Liquid pouring] I think it's possible though that you're in a little bit of denial about this.
Last night you said you wanted to kill her.
Yeah, well, I got better.
Funny how life works out, isn't it? Hey.
We need to talk about this.
It's unhealthy to to keep your emotions inside.
When I ran into my ex, I-I a lot of feelings got stirred up, so I-I wrote him a letter.
Then what? You You didn't send it, right? Of course I sent it.
I frickin' hand delivered it to his ass so I could watch him cry while he read it.
You have a great deal of anger inside you.
- You aware of that? - No, I don't.
The whole point of what I'm saying is that I purged all the negative emotions once and for all.
Mm, I don't know.
Like three months after that, remember, you locked yourself in the back room and you were crying a lot? And then also your drinking just really hit next level.
Since then, you've kind of only been dating guys you can't have a future with.
Bingo! Thank you! I was wondering why you were attracted to me.
Now I see it.
No, you're just as dysfunctional and damaged as I am.
- No.
- You just No, you do better mask work or something.
You You know what you're doing? You're deflecting right now.
You're deflecting.
You and I are not on the same level of damage.
Darling, we are both sprinting to outrun God's sniper rifle, knowing that if we turn around, we're gonna stumble and die.
- No.
- Yeah.
- No.
- Yeah.
That is not what I'm doing.
I am normal and healthy.
- Mm.
- And you Please.
Then why are you with me, huh? Because I'm slumming.
So, uh, how are you handling Lucy being in town? Like I keep telling everybody, I'm fine.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
'Cause, um, word around town is she's at some hotel taking in all comers.
That's the word around - That's just common knowledge, huh? - Yeah.
[Sighs] Look, this obsession that you and Jules have with Lucy, I'm serious, it it says more about you than it does me, okay? I mean, physician, heal thyself.
[Feedback] Jim: Frackers up at bat now.
Here comes the payoff pitch.
Folks, the Frackers have not beaten the Butler Barons in their last 15 straight meetings.
Boy, that that's got to stick in your craw, doesn't it? You know, they say the air is actually different over there in Butler.
Sure, it's because there's less sulfur, but it's also because of an actual air of superiority.
Driving around in their Chevy Impalas, eating at their nicer Applebee's.
It's like they think they're better than we are or something.
[Chuckles] They act like they're genetically superior to us, like they're some kind of a master race.
Gosh, where have I heard that before? Folks, true story.
Back in the days of the mill strikes when your grandfathers and your great-great-grandfathers carried picket signs, it was folks from Butler who scabbed and stole those jobs, and I mean right out from under your ancestors.
Butler is a bad, bad place.
Jim, that's not true.
Shut up.
It feels true.
All right, Uribe up now.
Man: Come on, Uribe! [Grunts] Little dribbler up the left side.
Throw comes up the line Oh, the humanity! Oh, my God! [Crowd jeering] Not since Pearl Harbor has America seen such unprovoked aggression, people! First they take our women 's college, then they poison our children, probably, and now they attack a veteran who served three full tours of duty in the Major Leagues.
People, we have run out of cheeks to turn, people! We're fresh out of them! All right, time for the 4th.
Morristown, Morristown.
Do we have any dignity left? Well, the answer to that lies in the hands of a Japanese millionaire who may not speak any English, but he speaks the language of baseball.
And he knows exactly what to say next.
Say it, say it, say it, say it.
[Crowd "Ohs"] Let's go, baby! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Uribe! Get his ass! Justice! Sweet justice has finally come to Morristown! Hallelujah, baby! Whoo! Now, that's baseball! Whoo! Man: Morris! Crowd: Town! Man: Morris! Crowd: Town! Okay, there's a very ugly vibe in this crowd.
Are you not worried at all? Oh, what's to be worried? It's a stadium full of enthusiastic and knowledgeable baseball I'm gonna kill someone today! It's gonna be awesome! Lucy? Oh, I hope you don't mind.
I always love listening to you call a game.
No, no.
I hope you and your cadre of sexual weirdos really enjoy the game.
I'll tell you what, it should be a real humdinger.
We didn't get a chance to meet properly earlier.
I'm Lucy.
His, uh, horrible monster of an ex-wife.
I'm Jules, his current drunk of a girlfriend.
[Both laugh] Good to meet you.
Thanks again for those tickets.
My pleasure.
Have fun.
Let's have some hot dogs, guys! So, you sent them tickets? Did you do that to help Jim or to cause a riot? Mm.
[Feedback] Jim: Testing, one, two, three.
Testing, one, two, nine, people One, two, nine.
It looks like yesterday's hijinks really boosted attendance, so hello, all you fight fans, and welcome to Morristown Stadium for the second frame in a four-game series between your Morristown Frackers and the Butler Barons.
Oh, boy, did the Frackers beat up on those Barons pretty good yesterday, didn't they? [Crowd boos] I mean, literally.
[Laughs] You know, though, as a completely impartial observer, I think I do understand the Frackers' anger.
You see, I was in Butler recently, and you know what I saw there, folks? I saw a man, and he was beating a dog.
He was beating it on a public street corner.
Just pounding it.
While a mother and her infant child just watched all of that and smiled.
[Chuckles] They just laughed.
I-I was so confused.
I don't know, I guess it's just the kind of town that Butler is, huh? I mean, who's been to Butler, right? Who's with me on this? Butler.
I mean, really.
Then after that disturbing sight, I went to get some gas, and inside the station right next to the register, there was a sign.
It said, "Take a penny, leave a penny.
" So, if you think you smelled the rot of communism, people, well, that's just the red wind blowing in from the township of Butler.
[Sighs] Butler, Butler, Butler! They truly are our eternal enemy in a war that will still be fought long after we've left this earth, people! Long afterwards! Frackers want to thank you all for coming out to 50-cent-beer day.
Remind you all to please, please drink responsibly.
Ooh! Oh, my! Here we go again! It has begun, people! Oh, daddy! [Indistinct conversations] Hey! Hey, buddy.
You were right about Butler.
Oh, my ex-wife is from there, and sometimes she would surprise me in the shower just to laugh at my naked body.
[Laughs] But hey, you made baseball fun again! This is from me.
- Great.
- Yes.
Thanks a lot, hat man.
Baseball? What baseball? The game was a forfeit.
Hey, I-I hope you didn't lose too much at the gate there.
Actually, the fans that didn't get arrested drank their asses off.
I've got four garbage bags full of dough back at the stadium.
Your rage is so contagious, I might be able to pay my loan off early.
Delighted I can be of help.
But you mean more to me than a 45% spike in revenue, so I'm not gonna let you call another game until you figure out your Lucy shit.
Dale: Aah! Ka-plop, ka-plop, ka-plop! There he is! Our ringleader! You made us proud to be from Morristown again.
- Oh.
- Anyway, we got you a little something as a way of saying thanks.
- Come on.
- Hey! Move it! Make way for the king! - Move it! Move it! - All right.
Move your big ass! Ta-da! Jesus Is that their third-base coach? Who gives a shit? We caught his ass trying to get over the outfield fence.
But he's all yours now.
[Chuckles] What you want to do with him? [Muffled pleading] Let him go.
What? Dale, let him go, please.
All right, boys, let him go.
Get your ass back to Butler.
See, this is why people think baseball's boring.
[Train whistle blows] [Grunting, moaning] [Sighs] [Whip cracking, handcuffs clicking] Jim.
What is it? Um look, I'm still angry.
I'm I'm pretty angry.
[Whip cracks] [Scoffs] But I think I'm ready to talk about it.
[Grunting, whip cracks] [Whip cracks, handcuffs clicking] Um, well, should we go inside your, uh Yeah.
I don't think so.
No, of course we should not do that.
Guys, we're gonna need to take a hard five.
There's Gatorade and bananas in the cooler.
Need to hydrate! I'm so glad that you are ready to talk.
[Chuckles] Look, just know you're not gonna get what you want out of this, all right? This is not gonna end in hugs and forgiveness.
Say what you came here to say.
When I walked into our house that day, you broke me into a million pieces.
And ever since then, I've been trying to put myself back together, but I just I can't do it.
Okay? I'm like a plate that got dropped.
You try to glue it back together, but some pieces, they're just they're gone.
[Chuckles] I will never be whole again, ever.
All right? I think one of those missing pieces has got to be forgiveness, Lucy, because try as I might, I just I cannot forgive you.
I will never forgive you.
All that I have left for you now is hatred, okay? Just know, wherever you are out there, whatever the hell it is you're doing, I'll be out there, too.
I'm just a burning ember of hatred directed right at you, okay? You're my true north.
My hatred will always find you.
[Sighs] Great.
Really great.
What does that mean, "great"? I am so glad that you finally got to tell your truth, but I don't need your forgiveness.
For such a long time, I thought the only thing that could make me happy was being the woman that you wanted me to be, but then you outed me, and I was forced to become the person I wanted to be.
And each day, I get to be more and more myself, and it is sublime.
Sublime? Really? That's it? I mean, you got to be kidding me.
Okay, so, you get to live happily ever after as the biggest frickin' Dom since DeLuise, and I just eat shit for the rest of my days? I mean, come on! I hope you find a way to be content, Jim.
Do you? Oh, and, um, don't wear your slippers in front of your girlfriend.
They make you look like a dink.
Uh, don't wear my slippers? Have you seen what you're wearing? [Whip cracking] Pbht! [Country music playing on radio] [Car door closes] So, that must've helped.
Get some some closure? [Car door opens] Brock Brockmire? Where are you going? [Car door closes] I drove my Chevy down Main Street All the way to the sky Just so I could high-five the big guy Jesus built America in the clouds So heaven has a reason to be proud Where eagles soar with angels Where freedom rings true And the Duke, all the glory [Tires screech, horn honks] [Crowd shouting] Butler! Jim: Well, it looks like the Butler fans have shown up in force here today.
This could get ugly.
[Sighing] Oh.
All right, let's not have a riot, people.
Calm it down.
Oh, man.
People! Hey! People! Hey, look up here and listen! What is this even about, people? I mean, exactly what are we fighting over? Because let's be honest, there's no difference between Butler and Morristown or any of these towns.
Y'all have the same crappy fast-food restaurants, the same empty main streets lined with boarded-up storefronts.
They're scraped-out husks, victims of the unbridled capitalism that made a lie out of the American dream.
So let's not make baseball out to be any more important than it really is.
It's just a diversion that keeps us from pondering our own personal hells.
So, what do you say, folks? How about we kill another three hours on our slow and painful march to the grave? All right, top of the 1st.
Should have a good one here this afternoon.
You have to see this.
Check this out.
So, when everything went crazy the other day, I recorded the whole thing on my phone.
All right.
This is your baptism, people.
Bathe in the blood of the people who have wronged you and come out cleansed on the other side! All your enemies, they're down on that field.
Carlo, Moe Green, Barzini! Tattaglia is a pimp and never could've out-boxed Santino! Your ex-wives, with their lying eyes and their spread thighs! All right, so maybe this was about Lucy.
I believe I ultimately admitted that.
Well, I uploaded this yesterday.
Half a million hits.
You're famous again! [Sighs] Every punch you land is gonna echo throughout all eternity! [Screaming]