Brockmire (2017) s02e02 Episode Script

Platoon Player

1 You know, folks, in Hamburg, I once saw a half-dozen Germans berate a bus driver because he was five minutes late.
I mean, even today, you don't have to squint too hard to see how Hitler got those people to march.
Having no chill, that's a base tenet of fascism.
Ooh, Charles, you know, that sounded a little bit too Bill Maher as I said it.
Can we cut that out.
Charles? Charles! Are you listening to me? Try Try to pay attention to the podcast, Charles.
I mean, it is only your job.
Jim! Jim! We can't be late.
They're serious about this Raj thing.
Jim? Ai! Ai! Hijo de puta! Oh, man.
We hit the bar hard when Uribe got in last night.
You got in three days ago.
Well, time flies when you're on speed.
[LAUGHS] I am celebrating my retirement.
Miss Jules, she cut me.
Said I'm too slow at everything.
I'm sorry, man.
So, you got any speed? No.
Hey, where's Jim? Brockmire, man, he party hard nowadays, man.
He eventually left me behind.
Why are you wearing his jacket? [LAUGHS] We switched clothes, man, when the mushroom kicked in.
Uribe thought it was a good idea at the time.
Hey, do you want Uribe to help you find Brockmire? No, that's fine.
I got this.
Ai, that's better.
Ai.
Yeah, I do this all the time.
Come on, Jim.
Where are you? [CROWD CHANTING "BROCK!"] - [LAUGHS] Right now - Oh, right now - Ooh.
- I said, oh, Lord - Oh, Lord He's really gonna see me Right now Wassup, world? It's your girl, Cassie.
Look who I pulled from the bar.
Old dude from the Internet.
Hey.
I'll wait for you here, man.
Ugh.
Where's Jim? I don't know where he is.
I kicked him out an hour ago.
Tried to eat my ass almost as soon as we got in bed.
Ha! That's a reward for a job well-done.
You don't start a big meal with dessert.
Where did he say he was going? Said he was going to some bar that cuts out the middleman of fun and conversation.
Pbht! What the hell took you so long? Your breath smells like ass.
Oh, I wish.
Crawdaddys go on a long road trip tomorrow - two weeks.
- Yeah, no, I don't care who messed them up.
I'm not paying for them.
They're supposed to say "Brockmire," not Brock-m-i-e-r.
He's not French.
I expect a full refund.
Crawdaddys threatening here in the second.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no, I have the receipt on me right here.
Hold on.
And that is the first run of the ball game, and you know what that means, Crawdaddy fans.
It's time for the Crawdaddy Ditty.
Press the button.
[MUSIC PLAYS] There it is, the Crawdaddy Ditty.
You know what? Hold on.
I have a call on the other line.
Hey.
How was the flight, Mom? Yeah, well, I have some good news.
I got us a reservation at a Michelin star restaurant.
Yeah, no, not like the tire people.
It's just a way of saying it's a fancy restaurant.
Yeah, no, Dad's gonna meet us there.
Hey, hey, hey, excuse me.
Hi.
Could you please bubble-wrap these before you send them? We've gotten a few complaints.
Thank you.
Yeah No, uh, I-I agree with you.
There's nothing fancy about tires.
There isn't gonna be any tires there! I'm I love you, Mom.
I'll see you later.
Goodbye.
You said you needed a little bit of office space.
You're running a goddamn mail-order sweatshop! And these guys keep stealing hot dogs.
You know what? I'll give you $75 extra a week for the rent, and everybody in here gets free hot dogs.
That's a lot of cash.
Well, credit cards don't make problems go away this fast.
Hey, wait, was that the second out or the third? Shit.
Top of the third is brought to you by Shit! by by Delphina's Po' Boys.
Serving New Orleans for over 80 years.
Every bite will make you scream, "Oh, boy, what a po' boy!" Seems strange that lasted 80 years with a slogan that rhymes "boy" with "boy," doesn't it? But, uh, that just means their sandwiches are mighty tasty, folks.
You're way off your game today.
Johnson steps in.
He's batting .
255.
All right, so this driver will take you and Uribe wherever you want to go.
Eh, I'm not seeing Pedro tonight.
He's got a date with this professor from Tulane.
Boy, that guy loves academics.
Keeps dragging me around to all these college bars so we can find a big-ass woman with a big-ass mind to sit on his big-ass face.
Well, you won't be alone, because the driver will be with you for 24 straight hours, because as you know, tonight's my night off.
Whoa, first I'm hearing of this.
I've been telling you for a month.
You can't tell me.
You have to write it down.
I'm I'm a visual listener, Charles.
Well, you can't put it there.
You have to put it on my drinking hand or I don't see it.
Come on.
Just Please.
Hang out with me tonight, and I'll pay you double.
I'm head of your corporation.
So? That means I pay you.
Yeah, only 'cause you don't trust me with the finances, Charles, which is beyond insulting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just give me this much.
Come on.
Karen Hill big.
I don't know what that means.
Inexcusable that you haven't seen, uh, "Goodfellas" yet.
Come on.
Slip it in there.
No foreplay needed.
Ooh, that feels nice.
Walking the streets of New Orleans I see these trumpet players, tuba players, drummers On the street corner tapping their feet Bobbing their heads to the beat 'Cause no matter what they say, this is our world We come from the bottom Now we all Keep it locked down, this is ours now Game's over The birthday boy is here.
Give me them 604s! Podcast, I've been meaning to ask you.
- What's your podcast about? - It's the drunk ramblings of an old white dude who drinks too much.
- And that shit makes money? - Yeah.
I should do a podcast about, like, shoes and clothes and shit.
You could.
You could call it "Dipped and Laced.
" Can you talk into a microphone for like an hour straight? All I do is talk shit.
This is actually a really good idea, Dave.
I have some time right now if you want Let's do it.
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES] - Hold on.
All right, I got to I got to take this.
Yeah, sure.
Ugh.
Jim: Hello? Charles? I thought I took my uppers, but I must have taken my downers.
I'm in a bathtub, and I can't really lift my head.
Surprise! [PARTY HORN BLOWS] [LAUGHS] You thought I forgot your birthday, didn't you? Wrote it down on my coke dollar so I wouldn't forget.
August 15, Charles' birthday.
[SNIFFS] Toot toot! I thought you were dying.
Come on, Charles.
I was just messing with you.
I got a big night planned.
I got two bottles of 18-year-old scotch.
Those are for me.
I got you a lovely birthday cake, which I've already eaten my half of.
And quite frankly, it isn't sitting very well.
And, ooh, I got you a big, old bag of cocaine, which is how I remembered your birthday in the first place and, uh, yeah, that Well, that's also for me.
So the only thing you've gotten me for my birthday is a half-eaten birthday cake.
No.
I also got you Chastity, who is a lovely sex worker, and she's here to pop your cherry! - There she is! - Damn, man! You ruined that bathroom.
I think I already admitted that the cake was not sitting well.
- Touché.
- Charles, Chastity.
Now, I want you to know Hey I went to great lengths to make sure that this was the perfect woman for you.
So you already had sex with her.
You know, Charles, come on, that'd be weird.
It's your birthday.
You're gonna have sex with her first, and then I'm going to have sex with her.
And then you go and then I go and then you go and then I go.
But nobody comes except for Chastity, of course, because, you know, we're We're both gentlemen.
Can't wait.
Is this really how you imagined me losing my virginity? Yes.
It's weird how close this is.
We're both sitting on this couch and I had this exact level of erection.
I mean, I'm I'm giving myself déjà vu with this thing.
I'm not doing this.
Well, I think you're hurting Chastity's feelings, Charles.
Oh, no, no, I've been in this game a long time.
I got thick skin.
And loose skin.
He's hurting my feelings, all right? Charles, come on.
What's more important than spending time with your best friend on your on your birthday? Hanging out with my family.
I'm having dinner with them.
You're having dinner with your family and didn't invite me? How can you do that? Because they hate you.
My mom still calls us moving out of Morristown "the kidnapping.
" And my dad thinks you're my sugar daddy.
It took them a whole year to even talk to me again.
I'm not gonna let you ruin that by being you.
Now, what the hell is that su [VOMITS] God damn, man! How can it smell the same coming out the other end? Oh, shit.
Oh, God.
All All over your nice, new sneakers.
I'm so God damn it! I got to cut back on the sugar.
It's my one true vice.
Oh! All right, Charles, I will not go to your precious family dinner.
You weren't invited.
You and I both know that was not gonna stop me.
But you have to do something for me, and that something is named Chastity.
Oh.
Is it go time? 'Cause I just popped a toaster strudel in, and I'm gonna need five.
Also, someone's been doubling up on your frosting 'cause y'all are low.
What? It wasn't me.
- Yeah.
- [SNIFFS] [CHASTITY SUCKING FINGERS] Hey, can I just get a few things off my chest first? Sure, sweetie.
I mean, half my job is listening.
Um, I didn't have the best childhood.
I barely ever saw my dad.
My mom is extremely needy.
And my stepdad is just the worst.
So when I saw the chance to escape, I took it.
I knew New Orleans would be much better than whatever life I had back home, and I was right.
It's really great.
And I set this whole birthday dinner thing to show my family how well I'm doing.
And you're eating another toaster strudel.
What? You don't want to have sex.
We don't have to.
It's fine.
Great! Nice! So you'll tell Jim we had sex? Mm-hmm.
For $300.
What? He paid you $150.
Why am I paying you double to lie? 'Cause lying is a sin, and I'm a godly woman.
You're a prostitute.
There's prostitutes in the Bible.
You know what? You're right.
I can't argue with that.
You're absolutely right.
Here you go.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Happy birthday! [DOOR SLAMS] Hmm.
Nice stuff.
They got some - Hey.
- Hey.
Nice of you to show up, Junior.
Yeah, well, it's, uh, 7:00 p.
m.
I said 7:00.
I'm exactly on time.
Charlotte and Charlyn, what is "exactly on time"? Both: Late, sir.
Thank you.
Well, I apologize, Dad.
I'm happy you could make it up from Mississippi.
Yeah, well, the girls wanted to see New Orleans.
So we went on a swamp boat tour, and we saw a alligator farm, and then we saw some other historical landmarks.
You did all that since this morning? No, we've been here for four days.
Oh kay.
My two favorite Charles'sss.
Terry, where's Mom? Oh, she's outside parking the rental car.
I drove down, but she's better at parallel parking than I am.
People honk, I get flustered.
Terry, why didn't you stay to hold open the door for me? I nearly sprained my wrist.
Oh, oh, oh, I'm sorry, baby.
Let me get you some ice.
No, I don't need any ice.
I will heal from the pain.
I always heal from the pain.
Speaking of pain, let me see my birthday boy.
Hmm! Oh! I see you survived your kidnapping.
Hi, Mom.
It's great to see you.
- Mm-hmm.
- God damn.
- Ooh! - Bobbi, you still got it, girl.
[LAUGHS] If I wasn't married, I'd say we run that thing back one more time tonight.
Well, if you weren't married, I'd let you.
[BOTH GROWLING] So, this is the restaurant the tire people recommend.
Don't worry about it.
I know it's my birthday, but it's my treat.
It's my gift to you guys.
So your older man friend gave you some walking-around money? I, uh, I told you, Dad, I make my own money from the podcast.
I ain't never seen no podcast that pay this much.
How many podcasts have you seen? Don't question me, boy.
Hey, do they have that pre-dinner bread? - I'm starvin' bajarvin'.
- Oh, my g Okay, can we Look, we haven't been in the same room in a very long time.
I just want all of us to enjoy each other's company.
Please? I miss you guys.
Aww.
I miss you, too, baby.
Your sisters were excited to see you.
And I was, too.
Baby, look, I know we can be hard on you, but it's just because we love you so much.
I've settled for so many things in my life.
But I never want you to settle for anything - other than your best life.
- Thanks, Mom.
There they all are.
So good to see all of you.
I'm Jim.
Charles has told me so much about all of you.
Hey! Come on! Let's talk for a second.
I thought we had a deal.
We did, Charles, but you did not fuck your end of it.
I paid Chastity $300, and she told me the truth.
So we paid her $750 just to eat all of our strudel? Apparently.
Bobbi, Charles tells me that you are from Fayetteville.
I am from right across the border in Barry County, Missouri.
Can you believe that? We're both children of the Ozarks.
I mean, we're practically cousins.
Mm-hmm.
I only have one white cousin, and his name is Dan Marino.
And you must be the sergeant.
Sir, it is such a pleasure to meet you.
I want to thank you for your service.
So you're my son's fancy friend.
That is exactly who I am.
Now, I know that you're all very worried about Charles, but I want to assure you that he is just doing fantastic.
He's so happy that you all came here to celebrate with him, but really, what is a celebration without a toast? Come on in.
Champagne for everybody.
Now, this is on me.
Thank you, darling.
Make sure everyone gets one, now.
All right.
To Charles Well, if it ain't the ass eater extraordinaire.
You didn't even kiss me on the mouth first.
What kind of man goes straight for the ass before they kiss you on the mouth? One that thought he was in a safe space to try a little something different.
- You - All right, okay.
What the hell was that in there? Hey, is it my fault that the rectum has the same amount of pleasure receptors as the clitoris? It isn't.
I mean, blame God or natural selection, depending on your belief system.
See, this is exactly why I didn't want you here.
I'm trying to patch whatever relationship I have left with the family, and you're just gonna come in here and ruin it.
You're almost as bad as Terry! What do y'all have against that guy? He seems like a very sweet man to me.
Never, ever take Terry's side.
Never.
If you're gonna stay here, you're gonna be on your best behavior.
You understand me? Not a word.
- I got it.
- Not a word.
- How do you want me to - Jim! - Okay.
- Ah, ah, ah! All right.
Thank you.
Here's the happy couple.
Did y'all kiss and make up? Sorry about that.
Sorry about all of this.
Now, it's just exactly what we expected, which is why we got you this.
Happy birthday, son.
- What's this? - It's a plane ticket.
Now, look, I already got two good kids, so whatever happens to you, I'm fine.
But you're all your mother has, which is why you ought to be at home taking care of her.
Charles, I-I haven't been doing well since you left, Charles.
I I have cancer.
Oh, my God, Mom.
Emotional cancer caused by you.
- Oh, my God! Mom! - What? When you left, a sadness took over me, and you're the only one who can make it go away! Well, why can't Terry take care of you? Terry can't even get bread.
I'm hungry.
See, that's why you need to be at home.
- I am home.
- I don't understand how you turned out this way.
You know I need you, and you won't even consider me, your mother.
Fed you every day, kept you in nice clothes, kept a roof over your head all by myself! And now look at you Ungrateful and selfish! That That's enough.
I'm sorry.
I promised Charles I wouldn't say anything, but I cannot sit idly by and listen to you badmouth this young man.
Now, Sergeant, all due respect, sir, but you haven't been in his life.
You have no right to criticize his choices.
You also seem to be turning your girls into very strange robots.
They have not blinked one time, and I'm terrified.
Thank you for your service.
Terry, hey, very difficult to respect anybody who has no respect for themselves.
- No offense to you.
- Oh, none taken.
You should be offended by that, Terry.
That's the whole point.
No, never mind.
Never mind.
Madam, you are an emotionally manipulative narcissist.
I know.
No, 'cause that's what I am.
Now I see why Charles was drawn to me in the first place.
This is all he's known his entire life.
Except with Jim, I get paid.
You're darn right he does.
This genius here helped me build a podcast juggernaut.
Go ahead.
Tell them how much money you made last year.
$600,000.
600 thousa $600,000? I made $400,000.
The 60/40 split is in your favor? I do most of the work.
Oh, we're gonna put a pin in this conversation.
No, we're gonna revisit it later.
Well, now I have some things I'd like to say.
That jacket you always wear looks like the carpet at a motel that charges by the hour.
Only a degenerate and a fool would eat a stranger's ass.
And any man who does must be compensating for his tiny pecker! I have been told that I am exactly average by sex workers around the world in 16 different languages, okay? So now that we both had our turn Oh, no, I'm just warming up.
Let me tell you something else, Mr.
Announcer.
Don't bother.
We're leaving.
I'm sorry for the way I left, but this dinner made me realize why I did it.
Now I'm gonna go back to my house that I own.
I love you all.
Except Terry.
Ch Hey, is the house in your name, too? It is, isn't it? Because we're gonna have to have a serious talk about my finances.
In what I thought was a partnership.
Thanks for standing up for me.
Well, Charles, I know what it's like to not be seen by your family.
And, you know, I don't always give you the credit that you deserve, but, uh, as a man with a prodigious ego, let me pay you the highest possible compliment that I can.
Charles, you are almost as talented as I am.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well, thanks, Jim.
- I'm gonna go to bed.
- Whoa, whoa.
I got one more gift for you.
Jim, if there's another prostitute in here, I swear I'm gonna lose my shit.
I Hmm.
604s? Oh, yeah.
I thought I got the last pair of 11s in the city.
What can I say? I have friends in high places.
Did you call Joe Buck? I called Joe Buck.