Brockmire (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

Make-up Game

1 Brock! Brock! Brock! Brock! Brock! Brock! Hey, all right! All right.
That's very nice.
My God, look at this sea of Millennial faces.
I am Yeah! I'm terrified.
Let's get right into it.
I need a suggestion for a monologue.
- The one that got away! - The one that got at away.
My God! Ooh! Wow.
You people aren't kidding around tonight.
So much has gotten away from me lately.
I mean, friends, family my father.
Um, hard to narrow it down to just one thing.
Folks, you ever have something so pure, just so real you almost felt like you didn't even deserve it? Can you relate to that? CROWD: Yeah.
For me, that one thing was Molly Malone.
Yeah! Molly Malone is a street name for the purest MDMA in existence.
Yeah? Hi.
Hi! You know, I didn't expect to see you here.
Or ever again, really.
I thought it'd be creepy if I saw your show and then didn't come say "hi" afterwards.
Right now, "creepy" doesn't seem like such a bad thing.
No, wait, whoa! Oh.
What are you do Why are you in New Orleans? I have a layover.
I'm on my way to Colombia.
I've been approached about buying an ownership piece of a winter ball team down there.
- My flight leaves at midnight.
- Midnight! Well, that's practically tomorrow, isn't it? Come on, can Let's grab a drink.
- That's not a good idea.
- All right.
- Got other plans, huh? - I do.
The in-flight magazine said that I can't leave New Orleans without getting a beignet from Cafe Du Monde.
Du Monde?! No, that's overpriced and overcrowded, Jules.
I know where the locals go.
Come on.
It'll be my treat.
Don't you have an after-party to go to? After-party? No, I don't.
What, my life just seems like one big party to you, huh, from the outside? I assure you, it's, uh It's very lonely, Jules.
So, we fucking? That was unfortunate timing right there.
- So, I'm gonna say goodbye.
- Fine.
Let's go.
Really? Don't give me time to change my mind.
- Um, hello? - He'll fuck you tomorrow.
So, Jules, can I ask what you're doing here? I told you.
I have a layover.
No, I mean what are we doing here? Okay, can I tell you why I'm here? Because I am desperate to absorb any moment I can possibly get with you, no matter how awkward it might be.
Kind of like the way Johnny The Hat would wring the bar mat into his mouth after last call.
You remember that? The saddest part was he'd always leave me a tip afterwards.
Just be honest with me.
Okay, fine.
I set up a Google Alert for "Jim Brockmire dead.
" Jesus Christ.
Everybody I know has one of those things.
So, when I got the e-mail with that headline, I felt terrible Worse than when my dad died, 'cause the last thing I said to him was "I love you.
" Last thing I said to you I don't remember exactly what it I was, but it You said, "Back up," and then you slammed the door in my face.
So, for a second, I thought that was our last moment together.
And I knew I had to tell you something.
I don't hate you.
Boy, this is a real roller coaster.
You're selfish, and you did a selfish thing.
I can hate the way you did it, but I knew who you were.
I mean, that's progress, I guess.
I mean, at least I am not dead to you anymore.
Life is too short to hold that kind of grudge.
- Just ask these two.
- Oh, yeah.
You know why all the cemeteries in New Orleans are above ground? 'Cause we're below sea level here.
If they actually buried their dead, they'd find themselves swimming in a river of corpses.
These monuments, they all house actual bones and and rotting flesh.
So, if I don't ask for macabre New Orleans trivia, just assume I don't want to hear it, okay? Just trying to be a good tour guide.
- Yeah, well - Seriously.
No, speaking of which, right down that road there lies the bar that invented the French 75.
Well, I think of you every time I go in there.
I do, because for some ridiculous reason, Jules, that's your favorite drink.
Because it's like a white wine spritzer without the shame.
Oh, God, there's so much shame.
- We have a new mascot.
- Ah.
It's an oil derrick now.
Derek the Derrick.
Boy, you anthropomorphized the very thing that will be the undoing of the human race.
That's That's a very nice touch.
I thought so.
And I started a "When Harry Met Sally" promo night Two-for-one drinks if you fake an orgasm - at the concession stand.
- Wow.
It's the "I'll have what she's having.
" Nice, but I'm kind of glad I missed that one.
Not sure I could have handled seeing Dale in the throes of pleasure like that.
- Dale died.
- What? - Yeah.
- Get out of here.
- How'd he die? He was so young.
- Meth fire.
Meth Yeah, well, makes sense, doesn't it? You know, I-I told him.
I said, "You can cook meth as a hobby" or you can siphon gasoline.
You cannot do both.
" - Yeah.
- You seeing anybody? - Nice segue.
I know, I'm sorry.
I just I-I gotta know.
You know, it's all I can think about since the moment I saw you.
I'm seeing a few people.
Not as many as you, probably.
Oh, no, no, no.
Wait a minute now.
At first, I, uh dated attractive, age-appropriate women as kind of a substitute for you.
I did.
Desperately aping the magic of our relationship like Woody Allen trying to boil a lobster with whoever that non-Annie-Hall-type person was.
Now, I just, uh I stick to the one-night-stand groupie well.
I mean, it's transactional, but at least it's honest.
You poor baby.
So many women jumping on your dick.
It's not easy.
Hey, I gotta get going.
My flight is No, no Hey, no.
Come on.
Don't get on that plane.
Seriously, just stay.
Stay for what? Jules, you haven't had a beignet yet.
No, you can't visit New Orleans and not have a beignet.
That's like That's a slap in the face to the editors of Delta Sky Magazine.
- Okay.
- Really? Well, don't make me overthink it.
I'm pretty sure I'm making a mistake.
Well No, you're not.
Since I'm staying, you can buy me another drink.
This one's done.
I really missed you.
Hey, Pasquale.
Yo, how you doing? Double for me, usual.
Pint glass full of White Zin for the lady.
You heard that right.
Kind of a regular here.
Don't like to brag.
No, I know.
You mentioned it on your podcast.
This is where you like to take a woman when you really want to impress her.
- I did? - I believe your exact words were "put a napkin down or it's gonna look like there was a snail race on that barstool.
" - Get out of here.
I said that? - Yeah, you did.
You broadcast it to anyone who'd listen.
Oh, my goodness.
Well, Ol' Blackout Jimmy is just full of surprises, isn't he? But you know, my Thank you, Pasquale.
My takeaway from that story is you're a regular listener to my podcast.
I gotta have something to do while I'm folding the laundry.
- Oh, don't we all.
- Hey, I gotta pee.
Uh, I'm assuming you've had sex in the ladies' room.
- Oh, you know that I have.
- Is it gross? - No, it's not bad at all.
- Oh.
Straight back that way.
- Thank you.
- Oh, sure.
There you are.
I had a feeling I'd find you here.
What are you doing here? Well, I came down to let you know that word's coming in from Atlanta this weekend.
- This weekend? - Yeah.
This weekend's almost over, isn't it? Exactly.
And I'm pretty sure no news is not good news.
Yeah, okay.
I'll see.
- You gonna be okay? - Yeah, Charles.
You know, if Atlanta doesn't happen, it - It wasn't meant to be.
- Okay.
What's going on with you? Nothing is going on with me.
What's going on with you? - Hey! I missed you! - Oh, my God! - I missed you so much! - This This is great! It's like my parents are getting back together.
Except, you know, I actually want this to happen.
- Just relax.
- Where's your girlfriend? Girlfriend? This guy doesn't have a girlfriend! I had to bribe this guy just to have sex with somebody.
You know what it does have, though, is someplace else to be.
Got it.
I'll leave you two to catch up.
- It's happening! - Nothing is happening! - Okay! - Stop it.
I mean, something Something's happening.
I just don't want to label it, because that will kill what's happening whatever that is.
- Shut up.
- All right.
You know what do you have You don't have saxophones? Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Is there, like, another saxophone guy? I will take two trumpets if that's all you got.
Oh, yeah.
See, that's good.
You can taste the jazz! Oh! Oh, shit! Oh, are you all right? - No! - Oh, shit! God damn it! God! How's that ankle doing? Still smarting back there? It hurts.
And my head hurts.
Oh, are you sobering up? No.
Can't have that.
We gotta get you another drink.
I used to keep up with you.
- What's happened? - I Oh! Uh, I may not be in the major leagues, but I've really upped my game when it comes to my alcoholism.
Yeah, New Orleans is It's really the place to go pro.
And you know who has an up-and-coming bar scene? Morristown.
Oh, yeah, Morristown has its charms.
- It does.
- Mm-hmm.
Ooh, Jules, you know what - night I always think about? - Mmm, which one? The time that we drank Sambuca - at home plate there.
- Oh, babe, me, too.
But this time, can we have sex in a bed, 'cause I don't want to pick dirt out of my ass crack for two weeks.
I don't, either.
Sure thing! I'm gonna run.
Wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
You just have this hotel room all the time? Oh, yes, this is where I take the strange I don't want to bring home.
Charles can be a real judgy little prick sometimes.
I see.
So, am I the strange? Oh, yes, you are.
You're You are the strange.
- Yes! - Yeah, you are.
Your slut.
So did you have a-a good time tonight? Are you kidding? I'm in love.
With New Orleans.
- Please! - Ugh.
No, well, I am, too.
God, you terrified me there.
I mean, you know, it's nice to finally find a home, you know, and finally settle down.
All it took was the love of a good city.
- I don't believe in a soul.
- Okay.
I think it's just a delusion that masks the fact that we're all just lumpy sacks of meat marching towards our inevitable obsolescence.
Can we dispense with the graveyard - play-by-play? - Since I don't believe in a soul, I can't say that I believe in a soul mate, Jules.
But I'll tell you something.
Uh, I do know that the connection that I feel between the two of us I'm serious now It's the most profound thing I've ever known.
I just messed it up, didn't I? - No.
- I did.
No, I-I know what you mean.
Usually when someone hurts me, I could cut them out of my life like the tumor they are, but oh, with you, I can't.
Okay, so to me, you're a profound love, - and to you, I'm a tumor? - Yeah.
You're a tumor.
Tumor I like.
Like a benign one.
You know what? I'll take it.
At this point, I'll take it.
Am I still the only person you've ever had sex with on home plate? Oh, yeah.
Although Uribe and I did jerk off on the pitcher's mound.
Now you ruined it.
How about that beignet? Oh.
I-I-I don't have any clothes.
You spilled Curaçao all over my my my my shirt.
You ripped my pants.
My bag is at the airport.
- I mean - I got you covered.
Why are there so many bras? Are women in that big of a hurry to leave afterwards? Hey, my love life's kind of like the airport TGI Fridays.
It is all about turning those tables.
Look at this.
I feel like I'm in Filene's Basement.
Oh, shit, I've gotta take this.
- Brockmire.
- It's Whitney.
- Is this a good time? - Well, uh, you tell me.
I was interested in changing my flight.
I have a flight tonight, and I was wondering what your policy is about getting reimbursed.
I reviewed the data, and, overwhelmingly, it seems like the greatest benefit to the franchise would be to go with Raj.
That's - pretty much what I figured.
- But I was overruled.
What? My flight got canceled.
My flight got canceled.
You're not gonna believe this, but my flight got canceled.
Jules, I got it.
I got the job! I am I'm going to Atlanta! - Yeah! - Wait, what? How is this possible? You never mentioned there was a chance you were leaving.
Jules, I didn't think there was, but I gotta get to Atlanta and press the flesh of my benefactors.
- When? - Now.
You're meeting them today? Well, the meeting's not till Wednesday, but I'm taking the next flight.
- Well, change it.
- Oh, Jules, I would love to.
No, I really would, but, you know, I-I-I kind of like to tool around a city and get to know it for a couple of days before I represent it.
I mean, you know kinda my process.
Your process? What are you, Basquiat? You report things that people can already see with their own eyes.
Well, some people would say there's kind of an art - to what I do.
- I changed my flight for you! You told me it was It was cancelled.
I lied! Obviously! Jesus, just Yeah.
Call a taxi.
All right.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll I'll push my flight.
- Don't do me any favors.
- Ple I want to.
I do.
Of course, I wanna push my flight, J Hey, come on.
Please don't leave now.
Why not? Well, beignets.
- What will it be? - Two beignets, we know that for sure, and A chicory coffee.
No, uh, regular.
Two regular coffees, please.
Allow me to explain.
Um, chicory was originally marketed as kind of a filler to make coffee go farther.
It's kind of like it's a dried up old beet root with absolutely no caffeine in it.
Drinking chicory coffee when regular coffee is available is kind of like seeing a bong full of fresh Jack Herer and going, "Nah, no, thanks.
I'll just, uh" I'll take that half-smoked spliff "out of that ashtray over there.
" - Do you ever shut up? - I do not, no.
But, hey, you knew that, didn't you? - I'm such an idiot! - No You're not an idiot.
You didn't know.
Chicory is real popular around here.
Jules! What's up? I started thinking, "I like it here, and I like being with Jim.
" If I don't buy into this team, that's five months during the off-season.
Maybe I could split my time between Well, yes.
We Why can't we do that? An hour ago, it was New Orleans.
Now it's Atlanta.
What's it gonna be in six months? - I can't just follow you around! - Why not? Jules, I am I am very delightful.
I have a life in Morristown, - in case you forgot.
- No, I know.
I know better than to ask you to leave there.
- But, look, Jules - Then what are you saying? I am saying I've been doing some thinking, too.
Tonight was amazing.
I mean, it was just Right? It was unbelievable.
Why can't we meet up once a month at one of my road games? Could be in Miami or St.
Louis, Cincinnati, wherever.
The point is, it will be a night just like tonight, we'll be two people, we won't know anybody.
We'll be free to just explore a new city.
We can just drink and dance and just screw and We can just We can disappear, Jules.
So, a bender? No, okay, yes no.
But, yes, all right.
Well, just think about it, just for a second.
All highs, no lows.
Right? We'll never have to fight over who empties the dishwasher or pick up each other's dry cleaning or ask each other, "How was your day, hon?" Jules, I'll never have to pretend that I didn't just hear you fart.
Okay, think about that.
No, wait no, really! We just cut out all the mundane bullshit and get right to the perfect relationship.
The "mundane bullshit" is a relationship.
Yeah, but I know, but why settle for that when we can You know, we can make up our own rules! Because I'd still be settling.
I want someone to have a night like tonight with who'll also be there when I wake up in the morning.
I want to have adventures with someone, but I also want someone to pay the bills with and go grocery shopping and tell me when it's time to wash my smelly jeans.
- And I deserve all that.
- Jules, you do.
Dear God, you do.
It's all I can offer you right now, though.
You have a choice, and you're not choosing me again! Come on.
That's a very harsh way to put it.
What are you doing? I was gonna take you to the airport.
I won't subject you to that mundane shit, hon.
Your beignets are ready.
- I'll have what he's having.
- What? It's a callback, asshole.
Give me a Sazerac, neat.
Well, everybody, I want you to enjoy yourselves! Soak up every last moment of New Orleans that you possibly can.
Why? Because the sea levels, they are rising faster than even the most dire predictions, and nobody, and I mean nobody in power seems to give a shit about that.
Two generations.
All the above-ground cemeteries, they're gonna be underwater.
So, uh yeah, we're all just playing a fiddle while Rome drowns, aren't we? So salud.
What's so funny down there? Oh, nothing, Al Gore.
Thanks for the climate-change lecture.
I'll be sure to buy a Prius.
Not saying we should try to stop it.
I'm saying we should embrace it.
Just embrace the futility.
You sound like a junior-high kid who just discovered Nietzsche.
Yeah, well, it's not my first nihilist rodeo, I assure you.
So you really think our actions are meaningless? That consequences don't matter? Prove it.
And how would you like me to do that? Oh, shit! - What the hell are you doing?! - Looking for my Tide Pen.
Jesus Christ! When you're really ready to go down the rabbit hole, call me.
All right, okay.
Are you Are you all right? Mm-hmm.