Brooklyn Nine-Nine s05e16 Episode Script


- Pigeon's still here? - Yeah.
No matter what we do, he just won't leave.
The problem is you're thinking like detectives.
- No, I'm definitely not.
- When you should be thinking like a bird.
- - This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon.
On my mark, I will turn on this fan, gently startling our bird due east, into the file box canyon, where he will encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing Private Pigeon into the ceiling there and out of the ceiling there, where he will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a scary picture of an owl.
Now he's playing our game.
He'll veer left, into an upside down garbage can propped up by a hockey stick and connected to a string that Gina is holding.
She pulls it, he is trapped, and Terry releases him outside.
- Terry hates birds.
- Okay, little friend.
Let's get you home to mama.
Oh, God.
It flew right into the fan! It's everywhere! There's pigeon everywhere! - Hey, Boyle.
- Hey, Jake.
- Wait, what? - Hey, Jake.
Ahh! Bill, what are you doing here? I thought we agreed to meet only once a year for the Halloween Heist.
I'm here to deliver your quarterly NutriBoom shipment.
It comes with both the amino acid reducer and extra amino acid, so you get the perfect balance.
What? No.
I only signed up as a one-time payment bribe.
I'm not selling NutriBoom.
It's clearly a pyramid scheme.
First off, it's not a pyramid scheme.
It's a conical-tiered multi-flow-through medical marketing entity.
And secondly, you signed the contract.
"Permission to charge my card quarterly for the next 85 years.
" This is written in white ink on white paper.
They do it that way so you can't read it.
Well, I did read it and I'm canceling the contract.
Canceling? If it was that easy to get out, would I be here scamming my closest friends? We're your closest friends? What whatever, I'm not accepting the shipment.
Jake, piece of advice: just give up.
It's the Boyle way.
It's why our family crest - is a white flag.
- That reminds me, Charles, - your shipment's downstairs.
- Great.
- I'll help you bring it up.
- Charles, no.
We're gonna go down to that office and fight this thing.
I need that money for my honeymoon.
Oh, my God.
The honeymoon is on the line? - And your money.
- Eh.
Okay, great.
Whatever gets you onboard.
- Let's go.
- For the honeymoon - and no other reason.
- All right.
Sergeant Santiago, commander of the Nine-Nine's uniformed officers, - reporting for duty.
- Hey! My first order as Sergeant, tell me I look dope.
- You look dope.
- You won't be abusing your power like this with the officers downstairs, will you? No! No, of course not.
I'm just excited for my first day.
Yes, I remember my first day as a sergeant.
- I bet.
- My Uncle Geoffrey was struck by a subway and maimed.
- Oh.
- But the work aspect was quite exciting.
Are you ready for your first briefing? Yes, I am fully prepared.
I just wanna establish myself as a leader right away.
Just be confident, deliberate and firm.
You'll know you have their respect when you can take a moment and still keep their attention.
- Amazing.
- That was captivating as hell.
My recommendation would be you start with a small, attainable goal something you can accomplish quickly, perfectly and publicly.
The best way to lead is to always achieve all your goals.
That's not a ton of pressure.
Well, it was meant to be.
Pressure's an important part of success.
Just remember, you represent all Latina policewomen right now.
Welcome to NutriServices.
I'm Angela.
How can I heal you today? Hi, Angela.
Creepy greeting.
So not a big deal, there was just a little bit of a mix-up and we need to cancel our NutriContracts.
It happens all the time.
All you need to do is sign a few things.
See, Charles, that is why you never give up.
- I'll also need $10,000.
- What's that? I'm sorry.
It's payment for the last shipment.
Plus the cancellation fee, plus the restocking fee plus something we call a coward's charge.
And that comes to $10,000.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I'll write you a check.
Is gratuity included? Charles, no.
- Angela - Yes? How can I - heal you today? - Please stop saying that.
Look, you seem like a perfectly pleasant robot person, but there's no way we're giving you any more money.
Sorry for the misunderstanding.
For the no payment option, you just need to sign here.
"Enrollment in NutriCore"? It's our charity organization.
"Pay off your contracts in labor hours under the teachings of founder Docter David Stovelman.
" "Docter" is spelled with an E? - It's the British spelling.
- That can't be right.
All right, look.
I didn't wanna have to do this, but we're in the NYPD.
And if you don't cooperate, we'll have no choice but to file a report against the company.
You signed a contract, and that is binding.
No one gets special treatment, Officer.
- Not even Jay.
- Who? Jay Chandrasekhar, their celebrity spokesman.
Oh, no way.
The guy from "Super Troopers"? Yep.
He was also in "Beerfest.
" Now I have to get back to work, but allow me to introduce you to our complaint specialist.
This is Phil.
He's been assigned to intimidate you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you! Charles, stop thanking her.
Hello, squad.
I am Sergeant Amy Santiago and I'm your new commanding officer.
I have big plans for us, but it's always best to start with something small and do it perfectly.
So Sergeant, I know what we should start with.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Officer - Jennings.
Gary Jennings.
Officer Jennings, I already have a plan.
Okay, well, you just paused, so I thought you were looking for suggestions, - which I have a lot of.
- Nope.
Not why I paused.
Anyway, our first order of business will be updating the filing system, so - We should use barcodes.
- No, no, no, no.
No need to jump in.
I already have a system in mind.
Okay, well you just keep stopping, - so I thought - Ah to pour water.
- Because I'm thirsty.
- Got it.
Now, let's get into the details of this with Oh, my God! What, Gary? You're spilling water everywhere.
Yes, I am.
Because our first order of business is cleaning this floor.
Charles! Charles, come here.
I figured out how to get our money back.
I knew you'd save our honeymoon.
- My honeymoon.
- Whatever.
Yeah, all right, so NutriBoom is a massive financial scam, right? If we can prove that, we could take down the whole company.
Oh, I don't know.
Are you sure you wanna take them on? They're pretty scary.
I mean, no one's seen the CEO's wife in years.
People think she's been murdered.
That's just a rumor.
All right, here's the plan: we infiltrate their headquarters and get their financial records.
But how do we get in, you ask? By attending today's meeting of President's Club Admiral Level NutriMasters - at the NutriTower Life Base.
- I don't know, they know we're cops, we can't just walk in.
We can't walk right in, but we know someone who's a high-level NutriBoom distributor who can.
And he look exactly like you.
- Hey, guys.
- I don't know.
You really think it'll work? Charles, it has to.
It's for our honeymoon.
You said "our.
" Okay, the meeting at NutriBoom HQ starts in two hours.
Charles, you're going as Bill and I'm going as one of your NutriCruits.
Bill, did you bring those things I asked for? Yep, all of my belongings that you'll need are in this suitcase.
Why is it vibrating? Is your cell phone in here? - No.
- I'm sure it's not a sex toy.
All right, these people really know Bill, so you're gonna have to become him.
I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Bill, tell us all about yourself.
Let's start with my whole family history.
I was abandoned at a playground as an infant.
And here I am.
That was the whole thing.
Well, sad.
But easier than remembering a bunch of names.
Okay, tell us more.
Now, here's a list of all the nicknames I go by.
Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew, Big Dave, Super Thick Just write them all down for us.
And that's why the number of belly buttons I have is - Two.
- One.
- Zero.
- Ahh.
- Hello.
- Hello.
That's it.
Okay, now let's work on your wink.
Now think, only you and I know our naughty little secret.
Okay, I think Boyle's ready.
That's a no-go, Amigo.
If you really wanna pass as me, you're gonna need to learn my patented neck massage technique.
I think I've learned enough.
Yeah, I don't really see that coming up.
Thanks for your help, Bill.
So how did your first briefing go, Sergeant? Did you give the squad a simple goal? Mm-hmm.
Revamping the filing system.
Mm, smart.
Sounds very easy.
- Mm.
- I assume it's been a success? Oh Yes.
It's been all types of successes.
Rousing, resounding smashing.
Oh, it's good to hear.
Remember, failure is for failures.
Good thing I'm not a failure.
Guys, I lied.
My briefing was a total failure.
But you told Captain Holt it went great in such a normal way.
I'm a terrible manager.
I've got this super eager know-it-all on my squad who keeps derailing me with all his ideas and I can't get anything done.
Aww, you got an Amy.
- Oh, she's got an Amy.
- It's pretty normal.
Yeah, she got one of her, right? Like a pet.
Takes one to know one, - I guess.
- No, he is not an Amy.
I am nothing like Gary.
Uhh, first of all, Gary and Amy - are the exact same name.
- Let me ask you this: did he already send you nine follow-up emails - about the briefing? - No.
- It was 30.
- You got an Amy.
Guys, I think I would know if my Gary was an Amy.
- Hey, Gary.
What you reading? - The new issue of "Stationary Monthly.
" Yeah, I have an Amy.
Is that you? Yes, it's me, Bill.
- You seem different.
- Nope.
I'm still the same old Bill Hummertrout who grew up in Bean Station, Tennessee and shaves his armpits.
Anyway, meet the new recruit I signed up.
New NutriCruit? Boom, boom! Boom, boom.
My name is Barry St.
And I can't wait to get inside and unlock my NutriFuture.
Let me let me in! Let me in! I love your energy.
Boom, boom! I love your energy.
Boom, boom! Okay, get up there.
Man, everybody here is so creepy.
Is that Hitchcock and Scully? - Boom, boom, Bill! - Boom, boom! Yeah, that tracks.
All right, let's get a move on.
The longer I stay here, the more horrified I get.
I know.
Have you seen all these posters of David Stovelman's wife, Debby? "I'm happy healthy and alive.
" - Oh, Debbie dead.
- Debbie real dead.
All right, Bill said that the offices are behind that roped-off area.
We're gonna need a distraction.
Well, if I know cults, this meeting will start with an insanely over-the-top nonsense video.
- Huh.
- Hello, Admirals.
Please turn your eyes to the monitors for a special hello from NutriBoom elite, Jay Chandrasekhar.
Boom, boom, everybody! Boom, boom, Jay! - And there's our distraction.
- When I first met Docter David Stovelman, I had no idea my amino acids could be so high or so low.
Ugh, guys.
Gary is killing my productivity.
Terry, how did you used to deal with having an Amy? I didn't have to do anything.
You've always been great.
Cut the crap, Terry.
I'm drowning.
When you got too difficult to deal with, I'd pull rank.
- Did that work? - No.
Not even once.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Well, you could always just wait for Gary to find his Jake and then eventually, over time, they'll each become 10% easier to deal with.
Gary will never find love.
He is unlovable.
- Gina, what do I do? - No, I don't know how to deal with an Amy.
But there is this girl Wanda in my Mommy & Me class.
She's such a pill.
She's so into her baby and not into the other babies and it's like, oh, cool, well, congrats.
Your baby rolled over early.
- Like, who cares? - I don't have time - for this, Gina.
- And that is how you deal with an Amy.
You talk about something she's not interested in - until she walks away.
- Ohh, brilliant.
Stupid cult.
They labeled their financial records "financial records.
" Dummies.
Uh-oh, Jake.
We got a NutriBoomer approaching at 12:00.
The file just started downloading.
- How much time do we have? - I don't know, - but he's a polka dotter.
- Polka Dotter - what does that mean? - Of the eight types of walkers? Polka dotters, drivers, arm swingers, stompers you don't know about this? Nobody does, Charles.
You clearly just read some weird blog post.
First of all, Popmango.
com is not a weird blog.
It's infotainment.
Secondly, polka dot walkers take short strides on their toes.
I don't wanna learn about polka dotters right now.
Just get out there and stall him.
But gah! Hello, bud.
Boom, boom.
Boom, boom.
What are you doing back here? This floor's closed on the weekend.
You know me, just gotta stretch my legs.
I'm really sore from Pilates.
But NutriBoom doesn't allow Pilates.
It's a pseudoscience.
Right, no.
Pilates is the name of my most recent sexual partner.
Boom, boom! Boom, boom.
You seem off, man.
Your voice is different, you're not sucking on - your signature lollipop.
- Right.
I guess I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.
Since when do you sleep in a bed? Why are you being so weird? What are you doing back here? I know what's going on.
You're fishing for one of my patented neck massages, aren't you? - There's the Bill I know.
- Present and accounted for.
Now turn around and gimme me that neck.
You're not gonna do it from the front? Well, of course.
I mean, that's how I do it.
Oh, that's the good stuff.
Boom, boom.
Boom, boom.
Hey, where's my eye contact? I got the files.
I told you it would work.
- Wait, what's wrong? - They formed a line, Jake.
They formed a line.
Ugh No evidence of wrong doing in any of these files.
Credit where credit is due, NutriBoom is good at criminal activity.
Well, they're terrible at making shakes.
Right? The only listed ingredient is "foreign substance.
" And the flavor is called "Almost Cherry.
" And I can't stop drinking it.
This is interesting.
There's a major transaction - on June 10th.
- My dad's birthday! You really think that's what I thought - was interesting about it? - I don't know.
It's a payment for 100 grand to ScepterCore.
Isn't that one of those black ops security firms - that ex-SEALs worked for? - Yes, it is.
- And on June 10th - My dad's birthday.
Are you just trying to get me to remember your dad's birthday now? I mean, it wouldn't kill you to call.
We don't have time to talk about this.
Your dad's birthday is the same day that Debbie Stovelman went missing last year.
I bet the payment is a paper trail for the hit Stovelman took out on his wife.
This just became a murder case.
Maybe, but it's not enough to open an investigation.
Right, but it is enough to make Stovelman nervous.
- We just have to get to him.
- Oh, no.
Do I have to go as Bill again? No, don't worry.
He isn't big enough to earn face time with the founder.
We have to take this to the highest level.
Jay Chandrasekhar! Hey, Gina.
Thanks for nothin'! - Oh, you're welcome.
- I said, for nothin'.
Your boring story didn't work.
So my friend Wanda, she just loves the oceans.
The Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian Ooh, ooh! What is her take on straits? Because I love the Bering.
We talked about bodies of water for hours.
Damn, the Force is strong with this Amy.
Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but you should just do what I used to do - when I needed to escape you.
- What did you do? Literally escape you.
Always be on the move.
Never be static.
Like a shark.
That way he can't catch your attention.
That's right! That is what we did.
- But you all did that? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, but Rosa, how did you Rosa? W-where did she Damn, you guys are good.
There he is.
How did you know he'd be at this coffee shop? "US Weekly.
" He's pictured here all the time.
He's coming out.
All right, look, this guy is into NutriBoom pretty deep.
But if we apply enough pressure, we may get him to crack.
Copy that.
Hi, excuse me.
Chandrasekhar, we wanted to talk to you - about NutriBoom.
- All right! - Boom, boom, guys.
- Boom, boom! - We're with the NYPD.
- Oh, my God.
Seriously? You guys have to save me.
- Can you get me out? - What's that now? NutriBoom is a scam and a cult.
- They've ruined my life.
- Really? You look so happy in the videos.
You'd pretend to be happy too if you knew what they did to me.
- Testicular torture? - Yeah.
- Ohh.
- Look, we have reason to believe David Stovelman murdered his wife, Debbie.
- Yeah, duh! - All right, Jay.
- Try to remain calm, here.
- Sorry.
- I'm just so scarred.
- Right, from the nard torture.
Look, we have evidence that could tie David to his wife's death, but we need your help - to get to him.
- Yeah, I'll do whatever you want.
You have no idea how terrible they are.
Trust me, I do.
They took ten grand from me.
Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.
Okay, well, no need to compare stakes.
Although I doubt your dog cost $10,000.
You can't put a price on life.
You're absolutely right.
Thank you so much for your help, sir.
- Sergeant? - Aah! I need to tell you something.
Can't wait to hear it.
First, could you pass that thing over there? Sure, yes.
Oh, what thing? I don't Sergeant? - Sergeant! - Oh, hey.
Sergeant? Sergeant? Okay.
Let's finally get these shelves up.
Goes perfect.
Ohh! Oh, no.
Oh, there you are.
I was trying to tell you not to use that wall.
It has water damage.
So Stovelman will pick up Jay and take him to lunch.
We trail them, and then when they get comfortable, ambush 'em with the intel about his wife.
I can't believe we're working a sting operation - with a celebrity.
- I know.
I feel like we're in "Oceans 11.
" You're such a Clooney.
- Ooh, and I'm Elliot Gould.
- Wow.
Just skipped right over Pitt and Damon, huh? - I've been good! - Oh, no! - Those are NutriCore guys.
- They're taking Jay! It's not a pick up.
It's a throw in.
- Where's Jay? - Hey, Bill.
- Boom, boom! - No boom, boom.
- I am not Bill.
- Look, we're with the NYPD.
We saw two NutriCore thugs kidnap Jay and bring him here.
- Now where is he? - Bill, you're a cop! - No, I am not Bill! - If you don't cooperate, we'll consider you an accessory to this crime.
I don't know what you mean by crime.
Jay's just voluntarily hanging out with some nutrition specialists in the basement.
You can see for yourself if you'd like, Bill.
I will see for myself, but I am not Bill.
- Good one, Bill.
- Oh! Get out of here.
- Jay! Oh, my God.
- Boom, boom, guys! What? We saw them take you.
Are you okay? What are you talking about? - Oh, the van thing? - Yeah, Jay.
The van thing.
Those are just my friends from NutriBoom.
They were worried about my amino acid levels, so they rushed me straight here to give me more or less of them.
Why are you talking like that? What did they do to you? Oh, I see.
They gave you back your dog.
No, they found my dog.
He was wandering around a park for a year.
Come on, man.
Pull it together.
These people are evil, remember? David Stovelman murdered his wife.
You mean me? - Debbie Stovelman.
- Boom, boom.
She is happy, healthy and alive.
Hey, Captain.
Just wanted to say sorry about the hole in the wall.
I've already called maintenance.
- Okay.
Anything else? - God, you're good.
You saw right through me.
I failed as a manager.
I couldn't deal with this overeager officer who kept pestering me.
- Ohh, you have an - Amy.
Yes, I know.
We've been through it a lot today.
Well, you should've come to me.
I know exactly what it's like to be you.
You used to be an Amy? No, I never had your level of insecurity.
I was referring to managing an Amy.
Of course.
Well, I'm not sure there's anything left to try.
No matter what I did, he just kept interrupting me with all his own ideas.
- Were they good ideas? - I don't know.
I didn't listen to them.
Did you just solve it that easily? Yes, I did.
You see, managing Amy is not a chore, it's a pleasure.
- Because an Amy is a tool.
- I'm a tool? Yes, you're a massive tool.
You're useful and valuable.
Sure, an Amy can be intimidating sometimes because they have such strong ideas.
But you should always listen to an Amy because they will only make you better.
At least, that's my experience.
Thank you, sir.
Jay, would you please excuse us.
I believe there's a brand new motorcycle with your name on it upstairs.
You guys are the best.
Thanks for bringing my dog back.
He looks almost exactly the same.
- Come on.
- Boom, boom, Jake.
- Boom, boom, Charles.
- Boom, boom, Jay.
What's going on here? - I thought you were murdered.
- I was never dead.
Then what was that 100k payment to ScepterCore for? It was to get you off the grid.
Because the Feds were investigating you.
You can't indict someone who doesn't exist.
So you're still working for NutriBoom? Working for? I am NutriBoom.
Look, your annoying little crusade is wasting my time.
I want you to leave me and my company alone.
Not gonna happen.
Now we know you're alive and I bet the Feds would be interested - in knowing that, too.
- Maybe, but the fact remains, I haven't committed any crimes that anyone can prove.
So you can try your luck with the Feds.
Or you can get your money back and go on that expensive honeymoon.
How do you know about my honeymoon? - I know everything.
- Oh, really? Because you don't know about my big ass moral compass.
Damn! I'm going to the Feds, and you're going down.
Also, can you tell us how to get out of here? This place is a real maze.
Oh, Officer Jennings? Can I speak to you for a minute? Of course.
Nothing I like more than one-on-one time with my boss.
Wow, it's like staring in a mirror.
- What? - Nothing.
Listen, I wanna apologize.
I ignored your ideas and that was a mistake.
Please, tell me your suggestions - for the filing system.
- It's actually five suggestions and 23 sub suggestions.
- And I - After the briefing.
Copy that.
All right, listen up, squad.
We had increased criminal activity in the park last night, so we'll be doubling our patrols there today.
After the meeting, I will be handing out new assignments.
Oh, my God, I did it.
The Feds said our intel could help them maybe take down Stovelman someday, - but they didn't sound hopeful.
- Well, I'm glad - you did the right thing.
- Really? Even though it means we now have no money - for a decent honeymoon? - It's hard not to say a really corny thing right now about how every day's a honeymoon with you.
Although, technically, you did you just say it.
Which is very embarrassing for you.
Jake, don't freak out.
There's a really creepy guy spying on us.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's just Phil from NutraBoom.
He'll be intimidating us from now on.
There's an evil corporation hell-bent on destroying us.
Hi, Phil! Boom, boom! Say, "Boom, boom," darling.
Boom, boom.