Brooklyn Nine-Nine s06e08 Episode Script

He Said, She Said

1 And now on to new business.
There's a case I'd like you to handle.
Methodist Hospital called this morning.
Apparently, a 38-year-old investment banker was admitted last night with a broken penis.
- It looks like - Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's a finance guy with a broken dong? Uh, methinks some "Wolf of Wall Street" style shenana-googles have taken place this day.
Anyone care to wager a guess as to how this happened? Yeah, I bet he dipped it in a pile of cocaine, got it real numb, and then hit a croquet ball with it.
- Totally possible.
- He probably sat on it.
- So it got under his butt.
- Happens all the time.
- Sure do.
- Ugh, you guys are horrible.
And you're wrong because he was clearly driving his Bentley naked, tried to pee out the window, and was then struck by a goose on the wang.
Is that what happened, sir? Was he struck by a goose? He was actually struck by a female coworker who claims he attempted to sexually assault her.
- [all groan] - I really wish you had stopped us before we started guessing.
I'm not responsible for that.
Now due to the sensitive subject matter, I think it makes sense to partner Peralta with Me? Because I'm the best at sex? No, Hitchcock.
In fact, you know what? This isn't your week.
Why don't you take a few days off? Sweet! - Have fun working, cucks! - What? Captain, I'd like to work the case with Jake.
I have the time.
I'm three weeks ahead on my paperwork.
Santiago and Peralta, talk to both parties.
Get to the bottom of this broken penis.
I just want to say I think it's sad that we as a society can no longer laugh at the phrase "broken penis," and it is my dream that we one day shall again.
Team Broken Penis on three.
- One, two, three - Broken penis! Yeah, probably should've seen that coming.
[upbeat music] Mr.
Haggerty, please have a seat.
Oh, you can stand if that's more comfortable.
No, it's cool.
The doctor said I need to change positions frequently so I don't form a penile clot.
Oh, I'm not gonna barf, so on that note, please explain the events that led to your diaper.
So last night I was giving my coworker, Keri, some pointers on her trades.
Told her "lever up on VTC.
There's no fat tail on the vol's wicked low.
" I just didn't want her to chump it.
Right, and you spoke that way because you were - snowboarding? - No, we were in my office.
- Yeah.
- Anyway, she just flipped out and hit me with my favorite golf club.
Brennan is claiming she attacked you in self-defense after you sexually assaulted her.
[chuckles] Yeah, because she's crazy.
I know we're not supposed to say that about women.
I usually wouldn't go there because I'm a huge advocate.
I mean, I'm the kind of guy who thinks Kathryn Bigelow should direct the next "Star Wars.
" I've said that out loud to other men.
Thank you, Mr.
We'll be in touch.
Great, thanks.
[unevenly] I'm gonna stand up now.
[gradually bellows] - [knocks] - Captain, sorry to interrupt.
I just got off the phone with the Department of Corrections.
They wanted me to let you know that Ernest Zumowski died.
My goodness.
It's been a while since I've heard that name.
I hunted him for years and finally caught him and put an end to his bloodlust.
In some sick way, I am who I am because of Ernest Zumowski - AKA - ALL: The Disco Strangler.
Oh, so you knew who I was talking about? Yeah, sir, you talk about him a lot.
- You know, the yo-yo was his - ALL: Calling card.
Oh, I mentioned that too? So how'd he die? He was in a prison transport van, and he got in a terrible accident.
It burst into flames, and he was trapped inside.
[laughing] Well, well, well, he finally did it.
- Died horribly? - Escaped.
Just like he said he would all those years ago.
I'll be coming back for you.
I'm just like disco, baby.
I will never die.
True, disco will never die, but you will ALL: In your cell, punk.
Oh, so I've told that part of the story as well? Yes, at every Christmas party.
Sir, I am the first to tout the capabilities of senior citizens.
I have made love to many, but the Disco Strangler is over 80.
I doubt that he could pull off an escape like this.
Oh, that's what he wants you to think.
You're both underestimating him.
I know 28 other people who did that, and they all ended up with yo-yos - around their throats.
- BOTH: Necks.
Nope, I said "throats," not necks, which means I haven't told that story too many times.
All right, lace up your dancing shoes because it's time to catch this disco bastard.
Thank you for coming in, Ms.
Can you describe your working relationship with Mr.
Haggerty? Absolutely.
Seth hired me three years ago to help with large-scale statistical arbitrage and ever since we've been at a steady 18% yield.
I didn't know most of those words, but I'm assuming it means you're good at business.
I am good.
I brought in $168 million to the firm last quarter.
Wow, that's a lot of money.
Where do you keep it all? It's in a computer.
I've watched too much "DuckTales.
" No, you can never watch too much "DuckTales.
" It's my dream to have a gold coin pool.
- Like Scrooge McD.
- Look.
I love my job, and I'm really good at it.
I would never do anything to jeopardize what I have, and I'm not a violent person, but last night Seth crossed a line.
Can you tell us what happened? I was working late, and he called me into his office.
He had clearly been drinking, and before I knew it, he pushed me into a desk and he tried to take my clothes off.
So I grabbed his stupid golf club and I hit him in the Cookie Monster, which is what he calls his penis, by the way.
- Gross.
- He's the worst.
My only regret is that I didn't get in two extra whacks for each of his testicles.
What does he call those? Bert and Ernie? You are actually correct.
Ugh, I hate that I got that right.
So in conclusion: the burns on Zumowski's body are consistent with a massive vehicle fire.
- If this even is his body.
- Excuse me? We're talking about the Disco Strangler a serial killer, who for six years stayed one step ahead of the entire NYPD.
Not sure he had many steps left in him, sir.
- Take a look.
- Aw.
- He looks fragile and sweet.
- Sweet as poison pie.
Were you able to match the dental records - to the Disco Strangler? - No, the body had no teeth.
- Well, that's suspicious.
- Not really.
Zumowski didn't have any teeth either.
- Due to him being very old? - Yes.
What about the fact that this corpse is 71 inches tall when the Disco Strangler was 76? He shrank over time.
Is that another old person thing? Yes, it is.
Another old person thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- We also have a DNA match between hair on the head of this body and the Disco Strangler.
Sir, this is clearly Zumowski.
And that's a good thing.
You can finally say good-bye to your nemesis.
Thanks, sergeant.
That's a nice thought.
For an idiot to have.
Look at this.
A dirty little string? Oh, it's not just any old string.
It's a yo-yo string, the most dangerous part of the yo-yo.
The Strangler wanted me to find this.
He's out there, and he's taunting me.
[door opens] Okay, Ms.
Brennan, we've discussed it, and we think you should file charges against Mr.
Haggerty for sexual assault.
Now, I'm not gonna lie to you, it's a difficult process Actually, I'm gonna stop you right there.
I don't wanna press charges.
The firm just offered me $2.
5 million if I sign an NDA and let this slide.
Wait, so you're gonna let Seth get off Scot-free? Well, that money would go a long way towards the Scrooge pool.
Sorry, ignore me.
- "DuckTales.
" Woo-oo.
- I mean, I think I have to take it.
This is a "he said, she said," situation.
I know how that goes down.
No one's gonna convict him on my word alone.
The system's as broken as Seth's dong.
No, it's not.
I'm the system.
And I'm nothing like Seth's dong.
It feels like we can move off this analogy.
Just don't sign that NDA right now.
Give us a chance to bring this guy to justice.
And how are you gonna do that? By working our asses off to find proof that he assaulted you, and when we do, he will go to jail for what he did.
I really think we can get him.
Yeah, let's do this.
Oh, man, I'm reading Keri's statement.
If I was a woman, I would not work in finance.
Oh, because it's so easy for women everywhere else.
Okay, I can tell that I am in trouble.
You're not in trouble.
I just don't think that men understand how different everything is for us.
I can think of a million examples from this week alone.
Oh, sick! Oh, sick! - Have a great day.
- Oh, thanks.
- You too.
- Mm-hmm.
You have a beautiful mouth.
Have a great day.
Excuse me, Miss, do you know where I can find a police officer? Uh, sir, you're a police officer, right? - Yeah, I'm a detective.
- Oh, thank God.
I'm in uniform! Oh, that's why you yelled that.
I thought you were just excited about your general love of uniforms.
Usually when I yell that, it is because of my love of uniforms but not today.
Today it was because of that sexist jerk.
God, how many creeps have I not noticed before oh, no.
The fruit seller guy on our corner, is he a creep? No, he's a real gentleman, which is surprising because he's always holding those two cantaloupes and the opportunity to be gross is right there.
Is it? I've never even noticed that before.
I never wanted to make a comment or anything like that and thought better.
[sniffles] Anyways.
I am genuinely very sorry that this is something you have to go through all the time.
It's okay.
I'm used to it.
That's even sadder.
I know.
But you know what's not sad? That Keri didn't take that insane amount of hush money, and now we get - to put a bad guy in jail.
- Amen.
Wait, her firm offered her a big deal and you told her - not to take it? - Yeah.
Because that would mean letting a sexual assaulter go free.
Do you have any physical evidence to prove that he did it? No.
So it sounds like he might go free anyway.
I mean, at least if she takes the deal, she won't walk away with nothing.
I'm surprised you feel like that.
You're such a feminist.
I feel like maybe I shouldn't be here.
I am a feminist, but I'm also a realist.
I'm just looking out for the victim.
Or should I be here because men should be part of the conversation? Let's say best case scenario you do find evidence.
She's still gonna have to go through a very public trial where they drag her name through the mud.
Even if she wins, she still loses.
It's two steps forward, one step back.
I've landed on active listening.
I will no longer be chiming in.
Yeah, but when one person comes forward, it inspires others to speak up.
And that's a hell of a lot better than taking a deal that lets sexual predators walk free.
Dude, obviously, I get that.
I'm just saying, remember that there's a very real woman here whose career and life are gonna be affected by you pursuing this case.
I'm just saying, consider what's best for her.
All right, the state police is deploying 30 men and four helicopters to comb the area of the accident.
I felt comfortable saying this disco-man has danced his last disco dance.
Sir, it's fun to see you breaking out the old lingo, but do you think you're jumping the gun? All the evidence points to the Strangler being dead.
- Not all the evidence.
- Right.
The random piece of thread you think is a yo-yo string.
It is a yo-yo string.
The most dangerous part of the yo-yo.
It just feels like you're trying to relive - your glory days.
- Absurd.
Well, what do you have in that box over there? Memories and keepsakes of my greatest cases.
- BOTH: Mm-hmm.
- To remind me of the Strangler's MO.
He always seduced an accomplice into doing his fiendish bidding.
I bet it was the van driver.
You mean the woman who was thrown violently from the vehicle and just barely survived? Yeah, I'm sure she was very "badly injured.
" Sorry if my voice is raspy.
They just took the breathing tube out.
- But they left the BS in? - Good God.
- Whoa.
- So, Ms.
Park, it says in my file that you drove Mr.
Zumowski - on multiple occasions.
- Yes.
Because he had to go to the hospital a lot.
He was very, very old.
- She's clearly been seduced.
- She has? Let's cut the crap.
You helped him escape.
You planted a cadaver in the back.
You flipped the van on purpose.
Then the Strangler set it on fire and sprinkled some of his hair nearby so there'd be a DNA match.
Then he left behind his calling card: this yo-yo string! - That's not a yo-yo string.
- What? That's part of the lanyard we give to the older inmates - when they become fall risks.
- You're lying.
You've succumbed to his groovy voodoo! Sir, I don't think she's lying.
Look at this photo from the file.
Oh, my goodness.
So this string is just a string? The DNA was really a match? The Disco Strangler is actually dead.
And that chapter of my life is forever closed.
Well, that's fantastic news.
Okay, we have you set up here.
We have a VR experience down the hall where you can fly like a bird, and if you need anything else just buzz and one of our butlers will assist you.
This place is amazing.
It's like a dream factory.
We're investigating a sexual assault that occurred in these offices.
Right, of course.
I know.
This is how people get tempted by the devil.
I see what you're up to, platter of tiny quiches.
[sighs] We need to get someone on the record about Seth's patterned behaviors.
I think if we start with How many tiny quiches do you have in your mouth? [muffled] Five.
I'll swallow them.
Let's just start the interviews.
I don't think something like that would happen here.
It's an extremely professional workplace, and Seth's a really good guy.
I don't think he's even ever bought a prostitute before.
Is that the minimum requirement for being - a good guy these days? - Can I go? Beefer's birthday's starting and a bunch of Mets are here.
Present day or '86? - Both.
- I'm gonna escort him back.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Seth has never been inappropriate with me.
He's a really good guy.
Honestly, this is an extremely professional workplace.
Dude, Beefer just puked in the koi pond.
Oh, sorry, I didn't realize the cop thing was in here.
This is an extremely professional workplace, and Seth is a really good guy.
Hey, I'm Beefer.
It's my birthday.
- Yeah, we heard.
- Happy Birthday, Beefer.
Beefer's not my real name.
They just call me that 'cause I beefed on my first day.
Okay, but for the record, no one asked.
I don't have anything bad to say about Seth.
He's a really good guy, and this office is what's the word? - BOTH: Extremely professional.
- Yes! Hello, Sergeant Santiago and Detective Peralta.
I'm the Deputy General Counsel here at the firm.
I can only assume your questioning has revealed nothing negative about Mr.
Haggerty's character.
Only because you told them exactly what to say.
We did no such thing.
These allegations of sexual assault are ridiculous.
If they're so ridiculous, then why offer Keri Brennan - hush money? - That wasn't hush money.
That was a benevolent gesture to allow Ms.
Brennan to get the professional help she so clearly needs.
However, since she has chosen to pursue this matter with the police, that deal is now null and void.
Furthermore, we are terminating her.
- BOTH: What? - We have a zero tolerance policy for violence here.
And unlike Ms.
Brennan, Mr.
Haggerty has actual evidence of an assault.
He's talking about my broken penis.
Yeah, Seth, we know.
Hey, you never came home last night.
You doing okay? No, I'm a mess.
- I miss Hitchcock.
- What? I was obviously talking to Amy.
Oh, and who's talking to Scully? No one.
Come on, sandwich.
Ames, you've been working yourself to the bone on this case for three days straight.
Now, I'm starting to worry about you.
I have to solve this case, Jake.
Otherwise Keri lost the settlement and the job that she loves because of me, just like Rosa said.
[sighs] But I can't find anything.
I've read through three years of Seth's emails, and it's mostly inquiries about where he could buy a Batmobile.
Tah, so stupid, but did he find one? Is it like at a dealership or something? Never mind.
Look, I know this sucks, and I hate to say it, but we both know sometimes you work a case and you just don't have the evidence.
This isn't just a case for me.
When I was a rookie at the Six-Four, my captain was my first mentor.
He helped me get on the detective track, and he gave me all the best cases.
But when I finally made detective, he took me to dinner and tried to kiss me.
He said that he felt like he deserved something in return for my career.
[voice breaking] I just ran out of the restaurant back to the office, and I put in my transfer for the Nine-Nine.
Oh, man.
I'm so sorry.
I never told anyone because I felt like maybe I didn't actually deserve my promotion.
And I worried that I wouldn't get anymore promotions if I spoke up, so God.
Every time I think I understand how bad it is, it's just way worse than I imagined.
This kind of stuff has happened to literally every woman I know.
I just wanted to help make it better for this one woman.
- Okay.
- Wait, where are you going? I'm gonna go get you a change of clothes and a coffee.
We're not giving up.
Hey, what if we reach out to all the coworkers again, privately? Maybe they didn't talk to us because we interviewed them in their office.
I think that's a great idea.
I'll be right back.
Oh, I'm also gonna grab a comb, but you don't have to use it unless you decide.
Okay, babe.
Sir, you haven't come out of your office in a while.
- How are you doing? - Terrible.
You were right.
I was trying to relive my glory years, but the fact remains, they are behind me.
My only nemesis now Father Time.
Come on, sir.
That's ridiculous.
You're on the cutting edge.
In fact, you're so progressive, they were scared to make you Police Commissioner.
- [machine beeping] - You're as modern as they come.
What is that noise? - It's my fax machine.
- Oh, Captain.
- [gasps] Zowie.
I'm young! - What is it? It's an aerial photograph from one of the helicopters I had deployed.
Take a gander, boys.
It's him.
The Disco Strangler.
Oh, my God.
You were right.
Of course I was.
I know him better than anyone.
- We're two sides of the same - ALL: Coin! You've told us this story many times.
And you'll hear it again! So we're meeting a guy named Steve.
He said he couldn't speak openly with us when we met him in the conference room.
Steve? I don't remember a Steve.
- Who's Steve? - I am.
BOTH: Beefer? - So your real name is Steve? - Yeah, I hate it.
- Makes me sound like a douche.
- Yeah, Beefer's better.
So why'd you agree to meet with us? I wanted to show you this text chain between Seth and some of the guys in the office.
Whoa, Seth describes the night exactly like Keri did.
And then he writes "LOLZ, Epic Fail.
" What's this GIF he sent? Oh, that's Kelsey Grammer falling off a stage.
- [laughs, clears throat] - I was really torn about whether or not I should send this to you guys but then I thought about it for a long time and realized it was the right thing to do.
Oh, who would have guessed Beefer's a secret feminist.
No, gross.
I meant it was the right thing to do for me.
- Huh? - If they fire Seth, - I take his job.
- Okay.
Well, we got what we needed here.
So I think we're gonna leave before you ruin the moment any further.
I'll send it to ya.
Thanks for the promosh, narks.
[scoffs] You're the nark.
[scoffs] - Let's go.
- Yeah.
All right, people, your suspect's name is Ernest Zumowski, better known as the Disco Strangler.
Take a close look.
This is the most dangerous man in America.
5'8", hunched over, 93 pounds with gray hair and blue-gray skin.
If you encounter him, keep your distance.
All due respect, sir, seems like a lot of manpower to take down one sweet-looking old man.
Oh, he's sweet, all right.
Sweet as poison pie.
Yeah, don't underestimate him! I know 28 other people who did that, and they all have yo-yos swinging from their throats.
- So you were listening.
- Yeah, we were saying that - all along.
- Thank you, gentlemen.
All right, troops.
Travel in twos.
Keep your eyes open, and for God's sake, protect the neck.
Hey, Keri.
Great news: the DA's going to press charges against Haggerty.
I heard.
That's awesome.
Thank you, guys.
Hey, what's with the boxes? Moving to a better desk? With a better butler and more of those mini quiches? No, I'm taking my stuff home.
I had to quit.
BOTH: Whaaat? What do you mean, you quit? Are they forcing you out? - Because that's illegal.
- No, they're not.
But the whole atmosphere here has changed.
Everybody looks at me like I'm either a victim or a trader.
I mean, I'm not even on any of the non-work group texts.
And last night Beefer invited everybody over for whiskey and cigars, and I wasn't included.
Well, I mean, is not hanging out with Beefer really a punishment, per se? Yeah, but if I'm not at Beefer's for whiskey and cigars, then I don't get invited to Vegas with Slurpie and Trundle, and I'm definitely not at Skidmark's pig roast.
Man, these nicknames are just bad.
I actually came up with Skidmark.
It's very funny if you know the back story.
- He pooped his pants? - [laughs] Yeah.
But the point is, if I'm not at those events, then suddenly I'm not looked at for new accounts or promotions or anything.
My career here is over.
I'm really sorry.
I feel like a messed up.
I shouldn't have talked you into turning down - that settlement.
- Hey, Seth attacked me.
And I'm really proud of myself that I didn't let him get away with that.
So, even though it sucks, if I had to do it all again, I would.
Especially the broken penis.
- Why'd she say that to me? - I don't know.
[sirens wailing] [dramatic music] Freeze! NYPD! Is that Raymond Holt I see? You haven't changed a bit.
- Neither have you, Ernest.
- What? [louder] Neither have you, Ernest.
What? Neither have you, Ernest! Ugh, this is hard to watch.
You're just as devious as ever.
You seduced the van driver, didn't you? No, I seduced the van driver.
She couldn't resist my groovy voodoo.
And the yo-yo string was a message.
- The what was a what? - The yo-yo string was Captain, this is embarrassing.
Can we just take him in? Yeah, you're right.
This isn't what I hoped for.
Go ahead and cuff him, gently.
This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Raymond.
- I'm never gonna die.
- Sure you won't.
- Whatever makes you feel better.
- No, you're the punk.
Just put him in the car.
[elevator dings] Hey, heard you guys got that finance creep.
- Congratulations.
- Thanks.
But there's nothing to congratulate me about.
Amy's just upset because the historically entrenched patriarchy has created a culture of victim-shaming that suppresses any power shift in our masculo-phallic system.
- Huh? - I couldn't sleep last night so I watched a documentary on Netflix about feminism.
I love you.
Just sucks that she came forward to report an assault and the only one who truly benefited - is a guy named Beefer.
- You don't know Beefer but Oh, I've met plenty of Beefers.
- Yeah.
- Look this is a hard fight.
But it's an important one.
It's good that you convinced her to press charges.
But she lost the money, and she had to quit the job she loves.
That's exactly what you said would happen.
But you got the guy who assaulted her.
And look over there.
- Keri's coworker? - She came forward to report an assault because she was inspired by Keri, which is exactly what you said would happen.
Two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward.
You wanna take her statement together? - You know it, sister.
- Yeah, don't do that.
We can be different and still have the same cause.