Brooklyn Nine-Nine s06e16 Episode Script

Cinco De Mayo

1 Hey, hey hey! It's the best day of the year.
Happy Cinco de Mayo! I don't think you're allowed to wear a poncho to work, Hitchcock.
Oh, you got a band.
Stop, stop! No trumpets! Not today! My head is killing me! Hit the tequila a little early, huh? I'm not hung over, Hitchcock.
I've got a tension headache.
I've got the Lieutenant's exam tonight.
I'm stress-eating like crazy.
I had ten hard-boiled egg yolks this morning.
- Gross.
- You're having a high-grade pre-test freak out.
I've been there.
March 13, 2001.
AP Calc test Ames, I hate to cut you off, but we all know where this story's going.
Oh, yeah? You know that I crapped my pants in the middle of the test? Oh my God, no, I thought you were just gonna say you got a B+ or something.
- More like a BM.
- Noice.
Come on, now Terry's worried about his test and his bowels! What you need, Sergeant, is to distract yourself.
NPR has a riveting six hour interview with Eileen Moon Myers.
Nobody knows who that is.
Nobody knows the Associate Principal Cellist in the New York Philharmonic? [SNORTS.]
Wait! I've got it! I know how to distract Terry.
Captain, remember how you cancelled the last Halloween heist because there was that emergency gas line explosion and you said we had to "help out"? Yes, I also remember you refusing to believe the explosion was real.
Go back to acting school, buddy.
You're way overselling the pain here.
No one's buying it! Well, it's not like I was the only one who thought it was fake.
And the Oscar goes to Trent! You said that we should reschedule the heist for another day, so why not today? To help distract Terry? Yes! And I would love to defend my crown after I destroyed you all last year.
Well, I mean, the proposal was all part of my plan.
All I remember is you bowing to me on your knees.
Yeah, I was asking you to marry me.
Well, you look like a fool.
Neither of you won because Jake swapped out the real championship cummerbund - Belt.
- For the treacly proposal one.
What? I thought everyone loved that I used the heist to do the proposal.
You are wrong everyone hated it but it helped me win.
During your engagement celebration, I snuck back - and found the original cummerbund.
- Belt.
It's hanging up in my living room at home.
I never thought I'd say this, but enough foreplay! Are we heisting or not? - Yes! - Of course! Wait, I will only do this under one condition.
Sergeant Jeffords agrees that this will help his nerves.
Yeah, I mean, I would like to take my mind off the test.
And maybe I'll win this year! Ah, the heist is already working.
Sergeant Jeffords has recovered his sense of humor.
- Hey! All right, but for real, though.
Are we doing this? - We're doing this! - Heist! - Heist! - Heist! It's a Cinco de Mayo heist! A Cinco de Mayo heist makes just as much sense as Halloween! - Let's do it! - [UPBEAT MUSIC.]
Welcome one and all to the first ever Cinco de Mayo Halloween Heist 6! We're still working on the title.
- No need, I love it! - Thank you, Charles.
Now, before we go any further, we should probably choose an item to steal.
Does anyone have anything valuable on them? Maybe some jewelry? I have a medical alert bracelet that tells people my name and address, in case I have a brain collapse.
Perfect, this year's champion will be whoever's in possession of Scully's very upsetting bracelet at midnight tonight.
- I take my test at 6:30.
- You know what, Terry? You're kind of making this a nightmare.
Maybe you just shouldn't participate So this really isn't about helping out Sergeant Jeffords? - What? - I guess I'm out.
But no, no, no, no, come on.
Of course I'm 100% in support of Terry.
In fact, I'm going to team up with him.
Let's do this! You are so easily manipulated.
Now you're stuck with Sergeant Dumb Dumb.
- Damn it.
- Hey.
Santiago, shall we join forces? Ooh, smart, teaming up with the reigning champ.
Again with this nonsense? I'm the reigning champ.
The only thing you won last heist was a lifetime of mediocre heterosexual intercourse with Jake.
How dare you.
No one thinks you won last year.
Wow, really thought the "how dare you" was going to be linked to his mean sex comment, but okay.
Right, sorry.
I'll have you know Jake and I wear each other out every single night.
Good lord, overcompensating.
You know what? Maybe we just shouldn't talk about this at work.
I'm texting Kevin to bring the cummerbund.
You'll see who the real winner is, you braggy breeders.
A lot of infighting.
Not too late to ditch Amy and team up with this pussycat burglar.
Please, Boyle, your only value was you had a doppelganger which no longer matters since Bill died in that accident.
- RIP, Bill.
- So sad.
I can still be useful without Bill! No hole's too tight for these tiny tips.
- For stealing stuff! - [SIGHS.]
- Well, fine.
Looks like I'll just team up with my friend Rosa.
I'm out.
Five heists was enough.
We've exhausted every possibility of this thing.
Literally nothing new can happen.
It's boring.
You can have a long lunch with me instead.
Ooh, lunch? The devil's breakfast.
- Well, forget it.
- Okay, I won't call it that! I just want to be included in something! Okay, that whole lunch thing was clearly a ploy.
But even still, I'm not worried about losing to Boyle.
No one is.
He's a joke.
All right, let's get this thing going.
Scully will be locked in the supply closet with his bracelet.
Can I lie down on the floor? Uh, yeah.
You can do whatever you want.
And you're already on the ground.
With Hitchcock.
And you both have pillows.
Best day ever! There.
Now they're locked in.
Arrange your affairs.
The heist begins in five minutes.
Five minutes? But this whole thing was so last second! I don't even have any plans or supplies! I have so many plans and supplies.
I even have a victory banner that unfurls with a voice command.
I can't say what, but it's so cool.
I thought this was a spur-of-the-moment fun way to distract me from freaking out about my exam! Well, it wasn't exactly hard to predict, Sarge.
Your catchphrase is "Terry hates tests.
" It's true.
Terry hates tests! But the point is, I planned everything, starting with Scully's bracelet.
It had to be the prize because I have prepared the greatest reveal in heist history.
Allow me to introduce you to Other Scully.
Hi, I'm Earl, Norm's twin brother.
- Why's Scully never mentioned he had a twin before? Because no one talks about their siblings with coworkers.
I've told you about my brother Lawrence.
Nope, and I don't want to learn about him and I already forgot his name.
Now let's go.
It's time to heist! No movement yet.
So here's our plan.
After watching everyone coo over your maudlin proposal, I've decided we should employ a similar diversion.
- Smart, I'm in.
- You will tell Jake you are pregnant with his child.
What? I'm not pregnant.
Here is a positive pregnancy test and a sonogram of your fetus.
It's a girl.
Feels a little mean to play with Jake's feelings - like that, sir.
- You're right, it is mean.
Too bad.
As your mentor I command you to do it.
Wow, okay.
Perhaps we should discuss some other options.
There's no time, look.
Peralta's going for the bracelet! How'd he get him free so quickly? See ya later, losers! Not so fast! - [TASER CRACKLING.]
What the hell was that? That Fitbit I gave you at Christmas? I modified it into a taser.
What? Do you even want me to get into shape? Yeah, but not as much as I want to win.
Buzz buzz, bitch.
I've got Scully.
Come on, let's go.
No! Nooo! Yes.
Fake heist went perfectly.
So did the real heist.
Why is your face twitching like that? Oh, Amy tased me a bunch.
I bit my own tongue.
It was awesome.
Was it hard to get through the door? No.
I'm strong as hell.
The hard part was getting this bracelet off Scully's wrist.
How can you even feel your hand with this thing so tight? You're supposed to feel your hand? Well, that's terrifying.
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to hide the old bracelet and win me this heist.
Don't you mean win us this heist? Oh, Terrence, unfortunately I do not.
- What the hell? - Sorry, Sarge.
- It had to be this way.
- Why? The banner only has my name on it.
It's really all about the banner.
It unfurls by a voice command.
But I promise that I will mention both you and Earl Scully in my victory speech.
- Wait, Earl's here? - Yeah.
He helped us with the heist.
I told that son of a bitch never to show his face in New York again! Why are you running towards the glass? [GLASS SHATTERS.]
You're a dead man, Earl! That's not great.
You're a dead man, Jake! Uh, that's much worse.
Squirt more lube and help me yank.
Ugh, you know that fun braggy recap we do at the end of each win? Can we leave this part out? [GRUNTS.]
We'll make up a cooler thing.
But for now, we lube and yank.
Wrap your legs around him to anchor yourself.
Here we go.
Earl? Earl! Norm? - Norm? - What the I'm so happy your friend invited me to I told you what would happen if I ever saw you again, Earl.
What is going on? What am I looking at? Scully has a twin brother named Earl.
Jake brought him here to trick you.
Thank you for the ride, Terrence.
Apparently they don't get along very well.
We did get along.
We were inseparable, until Earl slept with my wife.
It's not my fault she wanted to have sex with a stud instead of a dud.
Stud? Your face looks it's been kicked in by a horse! Well, your mouth looks like a butthole! Your whole body looks like a butthole.
And you look identical.
Should we help Scully? I'm not touching this.
There's nowhere to run, Earl! Well, that was a real mind eff.
- Good-bye.
- Just so you know, Jake has the bracelet in his pocket.
Why would you tell them that? We're a team! - You locked me up.
- Yeah, but they didn't know that! There's no bracelet in his pocket! What? There should be.
Where'd it go? - Shalom, partner.
- Dope.
And you thought Shlomo Ben-Yisrael - wouldn't come through.
- No, I said the name and the costume were offensive, bordering on actionable.
Well, it worked.
Jake brought in Scully's twin just like I planned when I connected them on Facebook, but he had no idea they hated each other.
And when everyone was fighting, they were too distracted to notice old Shlomo.
They all underestimated me, Rosa, but today, they will learn the error of their ways, for today, I will prove that nobody gets the best of Charles Boyle.
I doused your beard in chloroform.
Really? I find that very hard to beli [TRIUMPHANT MUSIC.]
- Where's this goin'? - All the way to Trenton.
Take your time.
Aah, perfect.
What? What happened? You know where the bracelet is? No.
Kevin has arrived with proof that I am the only two-time winner of the heist.
Here's your cummerbund, Raymond.
We don't have time for this, sir! I'm gonna go search the first floor.
And I will search the second floor.
We are an inseparable team.
That was a devious fib.
I'm betraying her even as we speak.
- Hey, Kev.
- Diaz and I are covertly working together.
She snuck up through the vents.
This is a major reveal.
I feel like you're not appreciating it.
I don't like these heists, or what they bring out in you.
- Oh, clam it, Kevin.
- "Clam it"? Cheddar, perhaps we should leave.
No, Cheddar stays.
He still has an important role to play.
Give me Mr.
No one would ever think of looking for the bracelet in Cheddar's favorite chew toy.
Or do you mean Jake's favorite chew toy? [CHUCKLES.]
Well, thank God no one was around to hear that.
Ah! There you are.
I've been looking all over.
That's a lot of yolks.
Are you stress eating again or is this just a small Terry snack? I'm stress eating, Jake! My snack yolks are in that bowl.
Well, stop eating eggs and come help me with the heist! - I'm not helping you.
- Why not? Ugh, is this because I once betrayed you? Yes! It was our last interaction.
And it was a huge mistake and I now realize that our friendship is way more important than any stupid banner.
Look, the bracelet is in Cheddar's chew toy.
I know because I bugged Holt's cummerbund.
- You did? - Yes! I figured he would bring it in to show off.
Now let's do this! - I don't know.
- Look, Sarge, I'm sorry, okay? I can't undo the past, but come on.
Would you rather win the heist with me or sit around swallowing eggs like Birdo from "Super Mario 2"? Birdo doesn't eat eggs.
Birdo spits them! Oh, my God, you got that reference, Terry? We're the perfect team! Come on, Sarge, please? - Fine, I'll help.
- Ah! Wonderful.
But, before you fully commit, I should probably give you the heads-up.
My plan is very elaborate and you might get a little messy.
I'm in.
It's the heist, baby! Now let me know how we get that chew toy.
All right! Okay.
First, I infiltrate Holt's office and continue our argument about who won last year's heist.
How many cummerbunds are you holding right now? Zero! It's one bund to none, son! - Tell him, Kevin.
- I'm leaving.
It doesn't matter As Holt argues with me I will be covertly releasing more water into Cheddar's bowl.
Then we sit back and wait for - [CHEDDAR WHIMPERS.]
- Potty time again? What if he takes him downstairs? He won't.
I spent a lot of time making clandestine searches on Holt's computer.
Now all of his targeted ads direct him straight to The Puppy PeePee Pad.
He bought one and put it out on the roof next to Gina's golden statue.
And, because he believes that Cheddar deserves to pee in privacy like any other self-respecting adult, he will leave Cheddar outside alone to do his business.
Notify me when you're done, via bark.
While Holt guards the door, you'll be swapping out Mr.
Hootsworth for this.
That all sounds great, but how do I get onto the roof without Holt noticing? Oh, Sarge.
You'll already be out there In a perfect golden disguise.
The plan worked! I got it! Oh my God, you look like an Oscar.
Ooh! We should take a picture where it looks like I'm holding you.
- Jake.
- You're right.
There's no time.
- We'll do it later.
- No, we won't! Help me get this paint off! Okay, put your hands out and I'll squirt you with a little makeup remover.
Hi-ya! No! You're betraying me again? - Why? - Because of the banner! But I thought you said our friendship was more important! Yeah, that was obviously a lie.
The banner was very expensive! I don't have a lot of money, Sarge.
All right, bye.
Don't make a lot of noise.
I just got back from lunch with Charles, who is not here.
I am real glad I skipped the heist.
Say, who is winning? I don't know, but I know that I am not winning.
Interesting, it is also not me.
Uh, why are you guys acting so weird? Gah, weird? Would a person who is acting weird laugh like this? A huh-huh huh-ha, carefree! - Yes.
- Jake! Oh, Terry, you ripped yourself free.
Yeah, maybe you should try cuffing me to a stronger metal next time.
Yeah, I don't know the relative strength of metals.
What's going on? Why does Terry look like an Oscar? - Doesn't he? - He has the bracelet! We grabbed Mr.
Hootsworth from Cheddar and swapped it for a fake! Wow, Terry, my betrayals were all in good fun, but this really hurts.
Cheddar, bring me Mr.
It's an updated model.
The bowtie is Turkish blue instead of Egyptian blue.
How could you not have noticed this? Because he's a dog.
And at the end of the day a dog is no match for Jake Peralta.
Well yours is a fake, too.
Turkish blue bowtie.
Oh, come on! The one time I say out loud I'm smarter than a dog? If I have a fake and you have a fake, who took the real bracelet? - I did.
- Kevin? I swapped out Mr.
Hootsworth for a fake while you were arguing with Peralta.
How many cummerbunds are you holding right now? Zero! It's one bund to none, son! You betrayed me? But why? I can't have more of these trophies in our home.
The cummerbund was already in the living room.
What's next, a rusty medical bracelet suspended above our bed? Yes! Now hand it over.
I don't have it.
I gave it to Amy.
- [GASPS.]
- Santiago.
- You betrayed me as well? - You betrayed me first.
You were working with Rosa this whole time.
That wasn't real.
I was always gonna stab her in the back.
You were? What kind of person treats another human being like that? You tricked me, Rosa! And then you shipped me to New Jersey! First of all, grow up.
Second of all, how'd you - get back here so fast? - If you get a box wet enough, it's very easy to bust out of it.
No one ask any follow-ups! I knew I couldn't trust you, Rosa.
That's why I was going to double-cross you with Bill.
That's right, he didn't really die.
Hey, guys, you really thought I'd miss this year's heist? No way, I'm part of the squad.
- No.
- Not true.
Okay, this is official getting hard to track.
Who has the bracelet now? - Santiago.
- Yeah! And no of you are getting it! We'll see about that.
What the hell? Remember that very fancy Swiss pen I got you for Christmas, the one that you keep in your pocket at all times? It's a taser, bro.
- Uuugh! I'll take that.
Amy, do not make me tase you again.
No, no, no, no, don't! I'm pregnant! - What? - I just found out.
- It's a girl.
- Oh, my God! Oh my God, it's happening! Quick, someone get a reaction video of me becoming an uncle! She's making it up.
The pregnancy scam was my idea.
No, no, no, no, Amy.
Wait, is that true? Did you just lie to me about our baby? Yeah, did you lie to us about our baby? - You tased me! - You tased me first! Enough! Terry's had enough of this.
This was supposed to be just a fun game but it's turned you all into terrible people.
Betraying your husband, putting your friend in the mail.
Jake and Amy, did you guys buy each other any gifts this year that weren't tasers? - No.
- No.
You all pretended that this was all about helping me with my test.
But none of you cared one bit! You know what? You all suck! - [BEEPING.]
- Oh no, my voice command.
Terry, look out! [GROANS.]
I know that was bad, but let's not jump to any conclusions about whose fault it was.
ALL: Jacob Peralta, Jacob Peralta This was all his clever plan - ALL: Jacob Peralta - Wow, - ALL: Jacob Peralta - what a fun improvised song.
ALL: This was all his clever plan His eyes aren't focusing and he hasn't referred to himself in the third person in minutes.
He's clearly concussed.
Guys, this is bad.
The Lieutenant's exam is in 30 minutes.
Okay, look, let's just get him to One Police Plaza and hopefully he'll wake up on the way.
Charles, help me pick him up.
Copy that.
He's too heavy.
We can't do this.
God! How does he lift weights and also lift his arms? This is impossible.
We'll never get him there.
So you guys need help moving a body? Thank God old Bill's part of the squad.
I mean, assuming, I am part of the squad.
- Yes, sure.
- Totally.
Oh, yes, finally.
I have somewhere to live.
- What? - Meet me in the alley next to my shopping cart.
It's the one with all the cans.
Seems like his plan is just to put Terry in the shopping cart.
Room 410 is this way! Okay, we got him here with one minute to spare.
Yes! I knew we could make it.
All right, Sarge.
You ready to go in there and ace this thing? Yeah, I can't believe it, I'm gonna be a pilot! Okay, well, that's not great.
There's no way he can take the test in that condition! You're right.
Amy, you're going to have to crawl inside his shirt and operate his arms for him.
It's a Ratatouille situation.
- On it.
- No.
It's over.
We have to go in there and tell them that he won't be making it.
So that's it then.
Rosa, you should probably go in first since - this is mostly your fault.
- Dude.
All right, fine, I'll do it, jeez.
Where is everyone? Where are all the desks? What is happening? What's happening is - You all suck! - [BEEPING.]
ALL: You all are losers, you all are losers And Terry Jeffords is the best! You are all losers, you are all losers And Terry Jeffords is the best Son of a bitch stole my song.
Wait, Terry has the bracelet? That's right.
Me and my teammate Terry won.
We fooled you all.
- You didn't do [BLEEP.]
! - Okay, well, neither did Jordan's teammates, but they still got rings.
All right, fine.
Just tell us how you did it.
Well, first, for my plan to work, it had to happen on a day when I could control everything.
I couldn't let it be Halloween.
You faked the gas explosion! Yeah, stupid actors almost blew it.
What was with that moaning, Trent? I thought you studied at the Lee Strasberg Institute! It doesn't mean anything.
They just take your money! Oh, that is a huge relief.
I felt so bad about poking that guy's wound to make sure it was real.
You should still feel bad about that.
No, it was all fake.
I'm totally absolved.
Continue with your story, Sarge.
I knew you'd suggest a heist as a distraction from my Lieutenant exam, then all I had to do was sit back and watch as everyone took things way too far.
But how'd you know we'd get so out of hand? I spent the last six months sowing the seeds of conflict.
Man, I am so sick of Jake saying he is the only two-time Halloween heist winner.
BOTH: I'm the only two-time Halloween heist winner.
I can't believe everyone says you're not helpful during the Halloween heist.
Just because they all think your fingers are too big.
We'll show them.
Thanks for inviting me over for dinner.
Boy, that's hung in a real prominent place, isn't it? Not for long.
I was manipulated? - Sorry, Kevin.
- Don't apologize to him, Terry.
It's his first heist.
He needs to learn.
Keep going.
Well, after I got everyone acting like maniacs, all I had to do was make you feel bad by "knocking myself out.
" The banner.
But how did you learn my voice command? - I didn't have to.
- I sold you the damn thing! No.
I want it to unfurl when I say, "You all suck.
Pleasure doing business with you.
The pleasure was all mine.
That's gonna work.
I spent $1,800 on that thing! - You did? - Amy, stop interrupting.
Terry's doing his big speech.
Anyway, once my fake concussion was on display, I created the perfect distraction for my partner to do his job.
Cheddar, you duplicitous bitch.
I've been training Cheddar for months.
Wow, what a fun improvised song! When I swapped the Hootsworths, I put a magnetic collar on him! From there, Cheddar followed us all the way to One Police Plaza, where he hand-delivered the bracelet to me right outside this room.
But, wait, what about the Lieutenant's exam? Aren't you supposed to be taking it right now? Hell no, I took that thing weeks ago.
And I passed! I'm already a lieutenant! - You are? - That's incredible! - Lieutenant Jeffords! - This is amazing.
I'm so proud of you, Terry.
All right.
You've overstepped now, Bill.
Yeah, it's weird you're here, Bill.
To Terry Jeffords, the ultimate human being slash genius.
Nice work Lieutenant.
- ALL: Yeah! - Thanks, squad! Also the next heist will be at Halloween, so you'll only be champion for six months.
- This is half a win at best.
- Sounds about right, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Pretty garbage.
Hey, Scully, so you and Earl made up? Yup.
Hitchcock helped us realize we shouldn't fight just because we're so different.
- Yeah.
To our differences! - [MUGS CLINK.]
TOGETHER: Ooh, double dang it.
- What? - Oh, my God.
Terry, what you did today was awesome and I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I took things too far.
Are you kidding me? I was just guilting you as a tactic.
I love how crazy the heist gets.
Okay, good, 'cause what I really wanted to say is next heist I'm gonna drown you in your own blood.
Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off - and beat you to death with 'em.
- Oh! I'm going to slice your Achilles' tendons, peel off your fingernails, and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
BOTH: Oh, damn.
Raymond, you were right.
These heists are fun.
Not a doctor.

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