Buffy the Vampire Slayer s01e03 Episode Script
Witch
This is madness.
What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer.
Lives depend upon you.
I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility.
Instead of which, you enslave yourself to this cult? - You don't like the colour? - I Do you, erm do you ignore everything I say, as a rule? No.
I believe that's your trick.
I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad.
You have a sacred birthright, Buffy.
You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to wave pompoms at people.
And as the Watcher, I forbid it.
And you'll be stopping me how? Well, I By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists.
I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, OK? I just wanna have a life.
I wanna do something normal.
Something safe.
Giles didn't approve, huh? He totally lost his water.
We haven't seen a vampire in over a week.
- He could get a girlfriend if he wasn't so old.
- We're behind you.
People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this! Ooh, stretchy! Where was I? Pretending to see scantily clad girls in revealing postures as a spiritual experience.
Who said I was pretending? - Hey! Here's a good-luck thing for try-outs.
- What's this? - What's that? - Oh, how sweet.
"Yours, always".
It came that way.
Really.
They all said that.
Just look at that Amber.
- Who does she think she is? A Laker Girl? - I heard she turned them down.
OK, listen up.
Let's begin with Amber Grove.
- If you're not auditioning, move off the floor.
- Amy! Hi.
Hi! I didn't know you wanted to be a cheerleader.
You lost a lot of weight.
Had to.
- Do you know Buffy? - Hi.
- Hi.
- How I hate this.
"Let me count the ways.
" She trained with Benson.
He's one of the best coaches money can buy.
- They have cheerleading coaches? - Oh, yeah! Don't you have? I train with my mom - three hours in the morning, three at night.
Hm.
That much quality time with my mom would lead to some quality matricide.
Yeah Well, I know it's hokey, but she's really great.
What the? That girl's on fire! Enough of the hyperbole! It's OK.
It's OK.
You're gonna be OK! God! I've been slaying vampires for over a year, and I have seen some pretty cringeworthy things, but - nobody's hands ever got toasted before.
- I imagine not.
- So, this isn't a vampire problem.
- No.
But it is funky, right? Not of the norm? Quite.
Spontaneous human combustion is rare and scientifically unexplainable.
There have been cases for hundreds of years.
Usually all that's left is a pile of ashes.
That's all that would have been left without Buffy.
So we have no idea what caused this? - That's a comfort! - That's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth.
There's a veritable cornucopia of fiends and devils and ghouls to engage.
Pardon me for finding the glass half full.
Any common denominators in cases of spontaneous combustion? Er, rage.
In most cases, the person who combusted was terribly angry, or or upset.
So maybe Amber's got this power to make herself be on fire.
- It's like the Human Torch, only it hurts.
- I'll get the skinny on Amber.
Find out if she's had colourful episodes before.
That means hacking into the school's computer system.
Something I can do.
- I'll ask around.
- Don't get involved.
What do you mean? We're a team.
Aren't we a team? Yeah.
You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes.
I just don't like putting you guys in danger.
I laugh in the face of danger.
Then I hide until it goes away.
OK.
Just walk softly, at least until we know a little more.
What if Amber isn't causing this herself? Well, then we have to determine who or what did.
And, er, deal with it accordingly.
- Hey! - Hi.
How was school? Mm.
A reverentjoy! - What's all this? - It's for the tribal art display.
Cool! - We had try-outs today.
- Oh, great.
How'd it go? I didn't actually get to try out.
There was an accident.
- Fierce competition, though.
- I know you'll do fine.
Keep on pluggin'.
Just have to get back on the horse.
- Mom? - Yeah? - What was I trying out for? - Oh, uh .
.
some activity? I have no idea.
I'm sorry.
That's OK.
Your platitudes are good for all occasions.
I'm distracted.
I've got a lot of inventory to go through here.
This is my gallery's first major show.
You know, it might not physically kill you to give me a hand here.
- It was cheerleading.
- Oh, good! I'm glad you're taking that up again.
It'll keep you out of trouble.
- I'm not in trouble.
- No, not yet.
I mean, you stopped cheerleading just before the trouble.
So it's good you're going back.
- Oh, dear.
- What? - A fertility statue.
You don't need to see it.
- You know, there's this girl, Amy, and she trains with her mom, like, three hours a day.
- Uh-huh? - Sounds like her mom's pretty into it.
Sounds like her mom doesn't have a lot to do.
Jeepers! Despite the terrible thing that happened, we still have to pick new cheerleaders.
If you make the team, you'll find your names posted in the quad after lunch.
Let's begin with group performance.
Why do my hands sweat when I get nervous? Don't worry.
You'll do great.
Five, six, seven, eight! Sunnydale! Sunnydale! We never fail! We never fail! Jump and shoot, swish and score, the other team is such a bore.
Yeah! You saw that, right? That wasn't me.
You saw that, right? Right? - That's my mom.
- No? Catherine Madison.
Get down with your bad self! Her nickname was "Catherine the Great".
She made that team Tri-County Champions.
You know, no one's ever done that before.
Or since.
She and my dad were Homecoming King and Queen.
- They got married after graduation.
- That's kinda romantic.
Well, he was a big loser.
Never made any money.
Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was 12.
OK.
That part's less romantic.
- My folks split up, too.
- Drag, huh? He left my mom with nothing.
She put herself through cosmetology school.
Bought me everything I ever wanted.
And never once gained a single pound.
She sounds really great, Amy.
But, um it doesn't mean you need to lock step as far as this cheerleading thing.
She was the best.
And I can't get my body to move like hers.
I choked in there so bad! No, Amy, you did fine.
- I'm gonna get changed.
- Wait! No, uh Hey, Amy! - Is she OK? - Oh, she's wiggin' about her mom.
The big "cheer queen".
- Yeah.
Her mom's kinda - Nazi-like? Heil.
If she gains an ounce, she padlocks the fridge and only eats broth.
So, Mommy dearest is really Mommy dearest? There's a bitter streak.
But Amy's nice.
We used to hang in junior high.
When her mom was on a broth kick, Amy'd come to my house and we'd eat brownies.
Hm! Hey, any word on Amber? Nothing thrilling.
Average student, got detention once for smoking.
Regular smoking, with a cigarette - not, like, being smoky.
- Hm.
- All pretty normal.
So we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
Maybe nothing will.
I have a dream.
It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see.
We have to achieve our dreams, Amy.
Otherwise, we wither and die.
Look, I'm sorry about If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so very beyond sorry.
Have a nice day.
- I told Buffy about Amber.
- Cool.
Was she wearing it? The bracelet.
She was wearing it, right? Pretty much like we're going out.
Except without the hugging or kissing or her knowing about it.
So I'm just a figure of fun.
- I should ask her out, right? - You won't know till you ask.
That's why you're so cool.
You're like a guy - my guy friend that knows about girls' stuff.
Oh, great! I'm a guy! Oh, hey, they're posting the list! I can't take this.
Yes! Cover me, I'm going in.
- You're lucky.
- I made it? - Ooh! - I made it.
One of those girls hit me really hard.
We should test for steroids.
Not only did you make the team, Buffy is the first alternate.
Amy's third.
What better way to celebrate than a romantic drive through Alternates are those who didn't make the team.
They only fill in if something happens to the ones who did.
Excuse me.
For I am Xander, King of Cretins.
May all lesser cretins bow before me.
At least it's over.
You know what I think we should do about it? Brownie pig-out.
My house.
After school.
Just how many more hours a day can I practise? You know, how much more can I do? This would never have happened to my mother.
Never.
Give me the power.
Give me the dark.
I call on you, the Laughing Gods.
Let your blackness crawl beneath my skin.
Accept this sacrifice.
Cordelia.
Feed on her.
Look what I've found.
It's my yearbook from junior year.
Oh, look! There I am.
Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex.
I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
This is Gidget hair.
Don't they teach you anything in history? - Well, it's really cool, but I gotta go.
- Well, I was thinking.
I know the cheerleading thing didn't work out.
Maybe you should think aboutjoining the yearbook staff.
I did.
It was a lot of fun.
Not really my tip, Mom.
I was, uh, photo editor.
I got to be on every page.
Made me look more popular than I was.
Have you seen the kids that do yearbook? Nerds pick on them.
Some of the best times I had in school were working on the yearbook.
Oh, this just in.
I'm not you.
I'm into my own thing.
"Your own thing" got you kicked out of school .
.
and we had to move here to find a decent school that would take you.
Honey? Oh! Great parenting form! A little shaky on the dismount.
Cordelia! You haven't been mean to me all day.
Is it something I've done? See how she has no clue that I'm a man, much less a human being? - I see that.
- The Invisible Man Syndrome.
A blessing in Cordelia's case.
A curse in Buffy's.
- You're not invisible to Buffy.
- It's worse.
I'm part of the scenery.
Like an old shoe.
Or a rug you walk on every day, but don't really see.
Like a pen that's chewed up - you know you should throw it away, but you don't.
Not cos you like it, more cos you're used to That is the point.
You don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.
I've gotta take your advice and not beat around the bush.
Or, I could be wrong.
Maybe you should beat around the bush more.
Nah, I've gotta be a man and ask her out.
I've gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside her window late at night.
That last part is ajoke to relieve tension.
Here she comes.
Into battle I go.
Would you ask her out for me? No.
Man.
Me battle.
Buffy? - Would you like to - Is that Cordelia's locker? Huh? I don't know.
What I'm saying is, accompany me Friday ni Xander, I have to, um We can make this up later.
You don't mind, do you? Nice of you to join us.
We didn't keep you waiting, did we? Your turn to drive.
OK, people, let's buckle up.
I don't wanna drive today, Mr Pole.
You've flunked driver's ed twice.
Show me some moves, or you'll be taking the bus.
OK, check the brake.
Check the mirror.
Start the engine.
Hello? Put the car in drive.
Let's move forward through the cones with a gentle, even turn to the Slow down! Slow slow Turn right! - Turn right! - Aargh! Brakes! Brakes! Brakes! Brakes! Brakes! Everybody out! - Oh, my God! I can't see anything! - It's OK.
Oh, God! What's happening? I can't see anything! Witchcraft.
Blinding your enemy to disorient and disable them - it's a classic.
First vampires, now witches.
No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.
- Why should someone harm Cordelia? - Maybe because they met her? Did I say that? And setting Amber ablaze? - Yeah, they don't hang.
- They're both cheerleaders.
- Someone doesn't like cheerleading? - Or likes it too much.
Amy! - Amy.
- You're leaning towards Amy? She's desperate.
I think she'd do anything to make her mom's dream come true.
Let me make sure I have this right.
This witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells so that she can become a cheerleader? You're underestimating the pressure a parent can lay on you.
If you're not a perfect carbon copy, they tend to wig.
Cheerleading was kind of her mom's last hurrah.
We still have to stop Amy - grab her We should be sure she's the witch before we arouse her suspicions.
- She's capable of some unpleasant things.
- OK.
So you're in high school.
You are desperate to make the team and please your mom.
So you turn to witchcraft.
What's the first thing you're gonna do? Check out the books on witchcraft.
No! It's the last thing you'd do.
You don't wanna leave a paper trail.
- Forget that.
- It'll just take a minute.
We don't have a minute! Cheerleaders are in danger! Buffy's in danger! You were the first alternate.
You are on the team now.
You could be next.
- We gotta get you to a safe house.
- Xander? Yeah? "Witches: Historic Roots To Modern Practice.
Checked out by Alexander Harris.
" - "The Pagan Rites.
Checked out by" - All right, it's not what you think.
You like to look at the semi-nude engravings? Oh, well, I guess it is what you think.
Have you all quite finished? We have to find a conclusive test.
There may be something in here.
Yes, this should do it.
You'll need some of her hair, a little quicksilver and some aqua fortis.
That's just mercury and nitric acid.
Go to the science lab.
"Heat ingredients and apply to witch.
" "If the spell has been cast in the previous Oh, and you'll need some eye of newt.
Those of you in track one may begin your dissections now.
Those of you in track two, take your hydrochloric acid and your ammonium hydroxide and carefully pour them into your beakers.
- Now, slow.
Slow.
- I can't.
- capping one, and being safe.
And you get - Eye of newt.
that.
How's Buffy doing with the hair? - Isn't this exciting?! - Oh, yeah! Amy, help me.
Which is the hydrochloric acid and which is the ammonium hydroxide? The bottle that says hydrochloric acid is usually the hydrochloric acid.
Read the bottles! Concept! Wave hi to the nice little witch.
All set.
- Do you have a plan? - Spill it on her, try and make it look natural.
We're right behind you, only further back.
Lishanne, can you tell me why these chemicals have this reaction? Lishanne? Are you? Oh, my God! (muffled cries) Amy was as freaked out as the rest of us.
- It's not her.
- The test was positive.
She's our Sabrina.
- She just doesn't realise what she's doing.
- Shall we talk to her? We should talk to her mother.
Maybe she knows what she's created.
Where are you? Another productive day in front of the TV? I got a history report due tomorrow.
Write it.
I should be on that team by now.
But instead, Miss Buffy and friends are sneaking around stealing bits of my hair.
I'll be upstairs.
Ooh, hey, juice! Mmm! Quality juice.
Not from concentrate.
- You're in a good mood.
- I am! I'm on the squad! I feel like cheering and leading others to cheer.
- Ooh, hey, juice! - Honey, about yesterday? I really That is totally yester.
Besides, it's not like you were wrong, you know? I did get kicked outta school.
I'm just wacky that way! I just want you to know that despite the problems you've had Mom, you just don't get it.
And believe me, you don't want it.
There are some things about being a vampire slayer that - Being a what? - It's a long story.
- Are you feeling well? - What? Oh, I'm fine.
What? I can't be in a good mood? A new house rule? Fine, you know, that's just fine, fine, fine.
Cos Turn up the music! Get it together, Buffy! We have a game in less than four hours! Willow! Xander! My buds are here! I love my buds! Hi! Hi! Oh! Is it me, or is she a bit looped? We'd better get her out of there.
Yeah, before she hurts someone.
Did I do that? You are so outta here.
- She's on medication.
- What? Obviously, not enough.
Who's our next alternate? Oh.
Amy, you just made cheerleader.
No, no, no! You don't want her, she's a w A wise choice indeed.
- She's a witchy! - Buffy.
- I got kicked off the team, didn't I? - I don't think it was your fault.
I know you don't.
Cos you're my friend.
You're my Xander-shaped friend! - Do you know why I love you so, Xander? - We've got to get her to a - Let her speak.
- I'll tell you.
- You're not like other boys at all.
- Well You are totally and completely one of the girls! I'm that comfy with him.
That's great! Any other guy who'd give me a bracelet, they'd wanna date me.
It'd be like a - I don't feel so good.
- Buffy? We've gotta get her to a hospital.
May God help her.
This is a bloodstone vengeance spell.
Hits the body hard like a quart of alcohol and it eradicates the immune system.
- Vengeance spell? She's getting even? - She knows I know she's a witch.
The others, she just wanted out of the running.
You, she intends to, erm - Kill.
- How much time do we have? - Ooh, er, I'm sure, er - Truth.
Please? - A couple of hours.
Three at most.
- How do we reverse the spell? Well, I've been researching that, and we can reverse all the spells if, we can just lay our hands on Amy's spell book.
- And if we can't get a hold of it? - The other way is to cut the witch's head off.
Show of hands.
It's not Amy's fault.
She only became a witch to survive her mother.
I don't care why.
I care that you go on breathing.
- Giles, where would she cast these spells? - She needs a a sacred space.
- A pentagram.
A large pot.
- Her home.
OK, help me up.
We'll just go to her house, and we'll get her book.
- OK, we'll go with you.
- No.
You guys stay here and keep an eye on Amy.
And keep her away from the science lab.
We'll need it to cast our counterspells.
Who are you? Is there something wrong? We need to talk to you about your daughter.
I'm not allow You'll have to come back later.
- Excuse me.
- What? Are you all right? Erm in here.
Your daughter is meddling with something very dangerous.
- What are you talking about? - You know only too well.
You've got to go.
She'll be home soon, and you This girl is very sick.
You will shut up and listen to me.
Your daughter has access to powerful magics, and your cheerleading obsession I don't care about cheerleading! It's not my fault she's doing stuff.
As her mother, you should assume some responsibility for her actions.
Yeah, well, you know these kids today.
I She's out of her mind.
Ever since Dad her dad left, I can't control her.
- You're afraid of her.
- Amy? - Are you Amy? - I don't understand.
She switched.
She switched your bodies, didn't she? - Good Lord! - She wanted to relive her glory days.
She said I was wasting my youth.
So she took it.
I didn't know anything about her powers.
I mean, when Dad was here, they would fight and yell, he would call her a witch, and I just thought he meant Oh, God, when he left, I wanted to go with him.
But she wouldn't even let me call.
She went crazy.
She'd lock herself upstairs for days, and she was always coming down on me, saying I didn't deserve to have it so easy and that I didn't know how hard it was to be her and I guess she showed me, huh? Amy, it's gonna be OK.
A few months ago, I woke up in her bed.
I didn't know where I was.
- Then I looked in the mirror.
- She locked herself upstairs? - Yes.
- Where? No.
If she finds out I've been here, she'll kill me! My God! I believe we can reverse your mother's spell.
- Well all of them, in fact.
- You could? - Really, you could? - We need to find her books.
There'd be specific volumes she'd need for this kind of casting.
Collect those dolls and any other personal Nice kitty.
Let's see what you were guarding.
Ah, yes.
This is it.
- Did we find? - We found.
Come on.
- But where are you going? - We're going to school.
And you're coming with us.
I'm gonna stop this.
I promise.
You just hang on.
How is she? We only have a few minutes left.
Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go! Five, six, seven, eight! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go! Six, seven, eight! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! - Go! - Six, seven, eight! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go! Right, here we go.
The centre is dark.
Centrum est obscurus.
The darkness breathes.
Tenebrae respiratis.
The listener hears.
Hear me! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! One, two, three One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight Oh, it's working! Unlock the gate.
Let the darkness shine.
Cover us with holy fear.
Show me Amy, what's your problem? She's coming! - Amy? - Get out of my way.
Wait.
I need to talk to you.
I can help you.
Help me? With what? Well, you know, all your witchcraft.
I know this really good cauldron.
Do you actually ride a broom? Xander! Corsheth and Gilail, the gate is closed.
Receive the dark.
Release the unworthy.
Take of mine energy and be sated.
Be sated.
Release the unworthy.
Release! Release! Release! - Buffy? - Amy? You You You little brat.
Mom, please? How dare you raise your hand to your mother? I gave you birth.
I gave up my life so you could drag that worthless carcass around and call it living.
You've never been anything but trouble.
I'll put you where you can't make trouble again.
Guess what.
I feel better.
That body was mine! - Mine! - Oh, grow up! I shall look upon my enemy.
I shall look upon her, and the dark place will have her soul! Corsheth, take her! Well, that was, erm interesting.
You guys OK? - I'm fine.
- I assume the, er .
.
all the spells are reversed? It was my first casting, so - I may have got it wrong.
- You saved my life.
You are a god.
- I didn't think you'd pull it off.
- I got her! Cut her head off! - Xander, what are you doing? - Saving you? - Get your hands off of her.
- But she's evil.
- It wasn't exactly her.
- I was my mom.
Oh! - Where is she? - Hey, Willow, it's cool! - It is? - Yeah, I took care of it.
I don't get it.
What? I've been doing a lot of thinking about where you're coming from, how to relate to you, and I've come to a simple conclusion.
I don't get it.
I'm inscrutable, huh? You're 16.
I think there's a a biological imperative whereby I can't understand you because I'm not 16.
Do you ever wish you could be 16 again? Oh, that's a frightful notion.
Go through all that again? Not even if it'd help me understand you.
I love you, Mom.
I don't get it! My dad is so impossible! He doesn't ever want me going anywhere.
He wants to spend total quantity time together.
And I'm, like, "I can go out.
It's perfectly safe.
" But he's got all this guilt about leaving me with my mom.
He's being a total pain.
- You're loving it.
- Every single minute.
This Saturday night, he wants to stay in and make brownies.
Well, the brownies were my idea.
Hey, I'm really sorry you guys got bumped back to alternate.
Hold it.
Wait.
No, I'm not.
Well, I know I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms! Ooh! These grapes are sour.
Oh, I'm sorry! - I forgot you wanted to be on the squad.
- Oh, that's OK.
- Cheerleading's a little too hairy these days.
- Yeah.
That's for sure.
"Catherine the Great.
" And there's been no sign of her? That last spell? She said I'd never make trouble again.
Wherever she is, I don't think we'll have to worry.
Twisted.
I'm just happy to have my body back.
- I'm thinking of getting fat.
- You know, I hear that look's in for spring.
Urgh! Argh!
What can you have been thinking? You are the Slayer.
Lives depend upon you.
I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of responsibility.
Instead of which, you enslave yourself to this cult? - You don't like the colour? - I Do you, erm do you ignore everything I say, as a rule? No.
I believe that's your trick.
I told you, I'm trying out for the cheerleading squad.
You have a sacred birthright, Buffy.
You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to wave pompoms at people.
And as the Watcher, I forbid it.
And you'll be stopping me how? Well, I By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists.
I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, OK? I just wanna have a life.
I wanna do something normal.
Something safe.
Giles didn't approve, huh? He totally lost his water.
We haven't seen a vampire in over a week.
- He could get a girlfriend if he wasn't so old.
- We're behind you.
People scoff at things like school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this! Ooh, stretchy! Where was I? Pretending to see scantily clad girls in revealing postures as a spiritual experience.
Who said I was pretending? - Hey! Here's a good-luck thing for try-outs.
- What's this? - What's that? - Oh, how sweet.
"Yours, always".
It came that way.
Really.
They all said that.
Just look at that Amber.
- Who does she think she is? A Laker Girl? - I heard she turned them down.
OK, listen up.
Let's begin with Amber Grove.
- If you're not auditioning, move off the floor.
- Amy! Hi.
Hi! I didn't know you wanted to be a cheerleader.
You lost a lot of weight.
Had to.
- Do you know Buffy? - Hi.
- Hi.
- How I hate this.
"Let me count the ways.
" She trained with Benson.
He's one of the best coaches money can buy.
- They have cheerleading coaches? - Oh, yeah! Don't you have? I train with my mom - three hours in the morning, three at night.
Hm.
That much quality time with my mom would lead to some quality matricide.
Yeah Well, I know it's hokey, but she's really great.
What the? That girl's on fire! Enough of the hyperbole! It's OK.
It's OK.
You're gonna be OK! God! I've been slaying vampires for over a year, and I have seen some pretty cringeworthy things, but - nobody's hands ever got toasted before.
- I imagine not.
- So, this isn't a vampire problem.
- No.
But it is funky, right? Not of the norm? Quite.
Spontaneous human combustion is rare and scientifically unexplainable.
There have been cases for hundreds of years.
Usually all that's left is a pile of ashes.
That's all that would have been left without Buffy.
So we have no idea what caused this? - That's a comfort! - That's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth.
There's a veritable cornucopia of fiends and devils and ghouls to engage.
Pardon me for finding the glass half full.
Any common denominators in cases of spontaneous combustion? Er, rage.
In most cases, the person who combusted was terribly angry, or or upset.
So maybe Amber's got this power to make herself be on fire.
- It's like the Human Torch, only it hurts.
- I'll get the skinny on Amber.
Find out if she's had colourful episodes before.
That means hacking into the school's computer system.
Something I can do.
- I'll ask around.
- Don't get involved.
What do you mean? We're a team.
Aren't we a team? Yeah.
You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes.
I just don't like putting you guys in danger.
I laugh in the face of danger.
Then I hide until it goes away.
OK.
Just walk softly, at least until we know a little more.
What if Amber isn't causing this herself? Well, then we have to determine who or what did.
And, er, deal with it accordingly.
- Hey! - Hi.
How was school? Mm.
A reverentjoy! - What's all this? - It's for the tribal art display.
Cool! - We had try-outs today.
- Oh, great.
How'd it go? I didn't actually get to try out.
There was an accident.
- Fierce competition, though.
- I know you'll do fine.
Keep on pluggin'.
Just have to get back on the horse.
- Mom? - Yeah? - What was I trying out for? - Oh, uh .
.
some activity? I have no idea.
I'm sorry.
That's OK.
Your platitudes are good for all occasions.
I'm distracted.
I've got a lot of inventory to go through here.
This is my gallery's first major show.
You know, it might not physically kill you to give me a hand here.
- It was cheerleading.
- Oh, good! I'm glad you're taking that up again.
It'll keep you out of trouble.
- I'm not in trouble.
- No, not yet.
I mean, you stopped cheerleading just before the trouble.
So it's good you're going back.
- Oh, dear.
- What? - A fertility statue.
You don't need to see it.
- You know, there's this girl, Amy, and she trains with her mom, like, three hours a day.
- Uh-huh? - Sounds like her mom's pretty into it.
Sounds like her mom doesn't have a lot to do.
Jeepers! Despite the terrible thing that happened, we still have to pick new cheerleaders.
If you make the team, you'll find your names posted in the quad after lunch.
Let's begin with group performance.
Why do my hands sweat when I get nervous? Don't worry.
You'll do great.
Five, six, seven, eight! Sunnydale! Sunnydale! We never fail! We never fail! Jump and shoot, swish and score, the other team is such a bore.
Yeah! You saw that, right? That wasn't me.
You saw that, right? Right? - That's my mom.
- No? Catherine Madison.
Get down with your bad self! Her nickname was "Catherine the Great".
She made that team Tri-County Champions.
You know, no one's ever done that before.
Or since.
She and my dad were Homecoming King and Queen.
- They got married after graduation.
- That's kinda romantic.
Well, he was a big loser.
Never made any money.
Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was 12.
OK.
That part's less romantic.
- My folks split up, too.
- Drag, huh? He left my mom with nothing.
She put herself through cosmetology school.
Bought me everything I ever wanted.
And never once gained a single pound.
She sounds really great, Amy.
But, um it doesn't mean you need to lock step as far as this cheerleading thing.
She was the best.
And I can't get my body to move like hers.
I choked in there so bad! No, Amy, you did fine.
- I'm gonna get changed.
- Wait! No, uh Hey, Amy! - Is she OK? - Oh, she's wiggin' about her mom.
The big "cheer queen".
- Yeah.
Her mom's kinda - Nazi-like? Heil.
If she gains an ounce, she padlocks the fridge and only eats broth.
So, Mommy dearest is really Mommy dearest? There's a bitter streak.
But Amy's nice.
We used to hang in junior high.
When her mom was on a broth kick, Amy'd come to my house and we'd eat brownies.
Hm! Hey, any word on Amber? Nothing thrilling.
Average student, got detention once for smoking.
Regular smoking, with a cigarette - not, like, being smoky.
- Hm.
- All pretty normal.
So we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
Maybe nothing will.
I have a dream.
It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see.
We have to achieve our dreams, Amy.
Otherwise, we wither and die.
Look, I'm sorry about If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so very beyond sorry.
Have a nice day.
- I told Buffy about Amber.
- Cool.
Was she wearing it? The bracelet.
She was wearing it, right? Pretty much like we're going out.
Except without the hugging or kissing or her knowing about it.
So I'm just a figure of fun.
- I should ask her out, right? - You won't know till you ask.
That's why you're so cool.
You're like a guy - my guy friend that knows about girls' stuff.
Oh, great! I'm a guy! Oh, hey, they're posting the list! I can't take this.
Yes! Cover me, I'm going in.
- You're lucky.
- I made it? - Ooh! - I made it.
One of those girls hit me really hard.
We should test for steroids.
Not only did you make the team, Buffy is the first alternate.
Amy's third.
What better way to celebrate than a romantic drive through Alternates are those who didn't make the team.
They only fill in if something happens to the ones who did.
Excuse me.
For I am Xander, King of Cretins.
May all lesser cretins bow before me.
At least it's over.
You know what I think we should do about it? Brownie pig-out.
My house.
After school.
Just how many more hours a day can I practise? You know, how much more can I do? This would never have happened to my mother.
Never.
Give me the power.
Give me the dark.
I call on you, the Laughing Gods.
Let your blackness crawl beneath my skin.
Accept this sacrifice.
Cordelia.
Feed on her.
Look what I've found.
It's my yearbook from junior year.
Oh, look! There I am.
Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex.
I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
This is Gidget hair.
Don't they teach you anything in history? - Well, it's really cool, but I gotta go.
- Well, I was thinking.
I know the cheerleading thing didn't work out.
Maybe you should think aboutjoining the yearbook staff.
I did.
It was a lot of fun.
Not really my tip, Mom.
I was, uh, photo editor.
I got to be on every page.
Made me look more popular than I was.
Have you seen the kids that do yearbook? Nerds pick on them.
Some of the best times I had in school were working on the yearbook.
Oh, this just in.
I'm not you.
I'm into my own thing.
"Your own thing" got you kicked out of school .
.
and we had to move here to find a decent school that would take you.
Honey? Oh! Great parenting form! A little shaky on the dismount.
Cordelia! You haven't been mean to me all day.
Is it something I've done? See how she has no clue that I'm a man, much less a human being? - I see that.
- The Invisible Man Syndrome.
A blessing in Cordelia's case.
A curse in Buffy's.
- You're not invisible to Buffy.
- It's worse.
I'm part of the scenery.
Like an old shoe.
Or a rug you walk on every day, but don't really see.
Like a pen that's chewed up - you know you should throw it away, but you don't.
Not cos you like it, more cos you're used to That is the point.
You don't have to drive it through my head like a railroad spike.
I've gotta take your advice and not beat around the bush.
Or, I could be wrong.
Maybe you should beat around the bush more.
Nah, I've gotta be a man and ask her out.
I've gotta stop giving her ID bracelets, subtle innuendoes, taking Polaroids outside her window late at night.
That last part is ajoke to relieve tension.
Here she comes.
Into battle I go.
Would you ask her out for me? No.
Man.
Me battle.
Buffy? - Would you like to - Is that Cordelia's locker? Huh? I don't know.
What I'm saying is, accompany me Friday ni Xander, I have to, um We can make this up later.
You don't mind, do you? Nice of you to join us.
We didn't keep you waiting, did we? Your turn to drive.
OK, people, let's buckle up.
I don't wanna drive today, Mr Pole.
You've flunked driver's ed twice.
Show me some moves, or you'll be taking the bus.
OK, check the brake.
Check the mirror.
Start the engine.
Hello? Put the car in drive.
Let's move forward through the cones with a gentle, even turn to the Slow down! Slow slow Turn right! - Turn right! - Aargh! Brakes! Brakes! Brakes! Brakes! Brakes! Everybody out! - Oh, my God! I can't see anything! - It's OK.
Oh, God! What's happening? I can't see anything! Witchcraft.
Blinding your enemy to disorient and disable them - it's a classic.
First vampires, now witches.
No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.
- Why should someone harm Cordelia? - Maybe because they met her? Did I say that? And setting Amber ablaze? - Yeah, they don't hang.
- They're both cheerleaders.
- Someone doesn't like cheerleading? - Or likes it too much.
Amy! - Amy.
- You're leaning towards Amy? She's desperate.
I think she'd do anything to make her mom's dream come true.
Let me make sure I have this right.
This witch is casting horrible and disfiguring spells so that she can become a cheerleader? You're underestimating the pressure a parent can lay on you.
If you're not a perfect carbon copy, they tend to wig.
Cheerleading was kind of her mom's last hurrah.
We still have to stop Amy - grab her We should be sure she's the witch before we arouse her suspicions.
- She's capable of some unpleasant things.
- OK.
So you're in high school.
You are desperate to make the team and please your mom.
So you turn to witchcraft.
What's the first thing you're gonna do? Check out the books on witchcraft.
No! It's the last thing you'd do.
You don't wanna leave a paper trail.
- Forget that.
- It'll just take a minute.
We don't have a minute! Cheerleaders are in danger! Buffy's in danger! You were the first alternate.
You are on the team now.
You could be next.
- We gotta get you to a safe house.
- Xander? Yeah? "Witches: Historic Roots To Modern Practice.
Checked out by Alexander Harris.
" - "The Pagan Rites.
Checked out by" - All right, it's not what you think.
You like to look at the semi-nude engravings? Oh, well, I guess it is what you think.
Have you all quite finished? We have to find a conclusive test.
There may be something in here.
Yes, this should do it.
You'll need some of her hair, a little quicksilver and some aqua fortis.
That's just mercury and nitric acid.
Go to the science lab.
"Heat ingredients and apply to witch.
" "If the spell has been cast in the previous Oh, and you'll need some eye of newt.
Those of you in track one may begin your dissections now.
Those of you in track two, take your hydrochloric acid and your ammonium hydroxide and carefully pour them into your beakers.
- Now, slow.
Slow.
- I can't.
- capping one, and being safe.
And you get - Eye of newt.
that.
How's Buffy doing with the hair? - Isn't this exciting?! - Oh, yeah! Amy, help me.
Which is the hydrochloric acid and which is the ammonium hydroxide? The bottle that says hydrochloric acid is usually the hydrochloric acid.
Read the bottles! Concept! Wave hi to the nice little witch.
All set.
- Do you have a plan? - Spill it on her, try and make it look natural.
We're right behind you, only further back.
Lishanne, can you tell me why these chemicals have this reaction? Lishanne? Are you? Oh, my God! (muffled cries) Amy was as freaked out as the rest of us.
- It's not her.
- The test was positive.
She's our Sabrina.
- She just doesn't realise what she's doing.
- Shall we talk to her? We should talk to her mother.
Maybe she knows what she's created.
Where are you? Another productive day in front of the TV? I got a history report due tomorrow.
Write it.
I should be on that team by now.
But instead, Miss Buffy and friends are sneaking around stealing bits of my hair.
I'll be upstairs.
Ooh, hey, juice! Mmm! Quality juice.
Not from concentrate.
- You're in a good mood.
- I am! I'm on the squad! I feel like cheering and leading others to cheer.
- Ooh, hey, juice! - Honey, about yesterday? I really That is totally yester.
Besides, it's not like you were wrong, you know? I did get kicked outta school.
I'm just wacky that way! I just want you to know that despite the problems you've had Mom, you just don't get it.
And believe me, you don't want it.
There are some things about being a vampire slayer that - Being a what? - It's a long story.
- Are you feeling well? - What? Oh, I'm fine.
What? I can't be in a good mood? A new house rule? Fine, you know, that's just fine, fine, fine.
Cos Turn up the music! Get it together, Buffy! We have a game in less than four hours! Willow! Xander! My buds are here! I love my buds! Hi! Hi! Oh! Is it me, or is she a bit looped? We'd better get her out of there.
Yeah, before she hurts someone.
Did I do that? You are so outta here.
- She's on medication.
- What? Obviously, not enough.
Who's our next alternate? Oh.
Amy, you just made cheerleader.
No, no, no! You don't want her, she's a w A wise choice indeed.
- She's a witchy! - Buffy.
- I got kicked off the team, didn't I? - I don't think it was your fault.
I know you don't.
Cos you're my friend.
You're my Xander-shaped friend! - Do you know why I love you so, Xander? - We've got to get her to a - Let her speak.
- I'll tell you.
- You're not like other boys at all.
- Well You are totally and completely one of the girls! I'm that comfy with him.
That's great! Any other guy who'd give me a bracelet, they'd wanna date me.
It'd be like a - I don't feel so good.
- Buffy? We've gotta get her to a hospital.
May God help her.
This is a bloodstone vengeance spell.
Hits the body hard like a quart of alcohol and it eradicates the immune system.
- Vengeance spell? She's getting even? - She knows I know she's a witch.
The others, she just wanted out of the running.
You, she intends to, erm - Kill.
- How much time do we have? - Ooh, er, I'm sure, er - Truth.
Please? - A couple of hours.
Three at most.
- How do we reverse the spell? Well, I've been researching that, and we can reverse all the spells if, we can just lay our hands on Amy's spell book.
- And if we can't get a hold of it? - The other way is to cut the witch's head off.
Show of hands.
It's not Amy's fault.
She only became a witch to survive her mother.
I don't care why.
I care that you go on breathing.
- Giles, where would she cast these spells? - She needs a a sacred space.
- A pentagram.
A large pot.
- Her home.
OK, help me up.
We'll just go to her house, and we'll get her book.
- OK, we'll go with you.
- No.
You guys stay here and keep an eye on Amy.
And keep her away from the science lab.
We'll need it to cast our counterspells.
Who are you? Is there something wrong? We need to talk to you about your daughter.
I'm not allow You'll have to come back later.
- Excuse me.
- What? Are you all right? Erm in here.
Your daughter is meddling with something very dangerous.
- What are you talking about? - You know only too well.
You've got to go.
She'll be home soon, and you This girl is very sick.
You will shut up and listen to me.
Your daughter has access to powerful magics, and your cheerleading obsession I don't care about cheerleading! It's not my fault she's doing stuff.
As her mother, you should assume some responsibility for her actions.
Yeah, well, you know these kids today.
I She's out of her mind.
Ever since Dad her dad left, I can't control her.
- You're afraid of her.
- Amy? - Are you Amy? - I don't understand.
She switched.
She switched your bodies, didn't she? - Good Lord! - She wanted to relive her glory days.
She said I was wasting my youth.
So she took it.
I didn't know anything about her powers.
I mean, when Dad was here, they would fight and yell, he would call her a witch, and I just thought he meant Oh, God, when he left, I wanted to go with him.
But she wouldn't even let me call.
She went crazy.
She'd lock herself upstairs for days, and she was always coming down on me, saying I didn't deserve to have it so easy and that I didn't know how hard it was to be her and I guess she showed me, huh? Amy, it's gonna be OK.
A few months ago, I woke up in her bed.
I didn't know where I was.
- Then I looked in the mirror.
- She locked herself upstairs? - Yes.
- Where? No.
If she finds out I've been here, she'll kill me! My God! I believe we can reverse your mother's spell.
- Well all of them, in fact.
- You could? - Really, you could? - We need to find her books.
There'd be specific volumes she'd need for this kind of casting.
Collect those dolls and any other personal Nice kitty.
Let's see what you were guarding.
Ah, yes.
This is it.
- Did we find? - We found.
Come on.
- But where are you going? - We're going to school.
And you're coming with us.
I'm gonna stop this.
I promise.
You just hang on.
How is she? We only have a few minutes left.
Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go! Five, six, seven, eight! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go! Six, seven, eight! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! - Go! - Six, seven, eight! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go, Sunnydale, go! Go! Right, here we go.
The centre is dark.
Centrum est obscurus.
The darkness breathes.
Tenebrae respiratis.
The listener hears.
Hear me! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight! One, two, three One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight Oh, it's working! Unlock the gate.
Let the darkness shine.
Cover us with holy fear.
Show me Amy, what's your problem? She's coming! - Amy? - Get out of my way.
Wait.
I need to talk to you.
I can help you.
Help me? With what? Well, you know, all your witchcraft.
I know this really good cauldron.
Do you actually ride a broom? Xander! Corsheth and Gilail, the gate is closed.
Receive the dark.
Release the unworthy.
Take of mine energy and be sated.
Be sated.
Release the unworthy.
Release! Release! Release! - Buffy? - Amy? You You You little brat.
Mom, please? How dare you raise your hand to your mother? I gave you birth.
I gave up my life so you could drag that worthless carcass around and call it living.
You've never been anything but trouble.
I'll put you where you can't make trouble again.
Guess what.
I feel better.
That body was mine! - Mine! - Oh, grow up! I shall look upon my enemy.
I shall look upon her, and the dark place will have her soul! Corsheth, take her! Well, that was, erm interesting.
You guys OK? - I'm fine.
- I assume the, er .
.
all the spells are reversed? It was my first casting, so - I may have got it wrong.
- You saved my life.
You are a god.
- I didn't think you'd pull it off.
- I got her! Cut her head off! - Xander, what are you doing? - Saving you? - Get your hands off of her.
- But she's evil.
- It wasn't exactly her.
- I was my mom.
Oh! - Where is she? - Hey, Willow, it's cool! - It is? - Yeah, I took care of it.
I don't get it.
What? I've been doing a lot of thinking about where you're coming from, how to relate to you, and I've come to a simple conclusion.
I don't get it.
I'm inscrutable, huh? You're 16.
I think there's a a biological imperative whereby I can't understand you because I'm not 16.
Do you ever wish you could be 16 again? Oh, that's a frightful notion.
Go through all that again? Not even if it'd help me understand you.
I love you, Mom.
I don't get it! My dad is so impossible! He doesn't ever want me going anywhere.
He wants to spend total quantity time together.
And I'm, like, "I can go out.
It's perfectly safe.
" But he's got all this guilt about leaving me with my mom.
He's being a total pain.
- You're loving it.
- Every single minute.
This Saturday night, he wants to stay in and make brownies.
Well, the brownies were my idea.
Hey, I'm really sorry you guys got bumped back to alternate.
Hold it.
Wait.
No, I'm not.
Well, I know I'll miss the intellectual thrill of spelling out words with my arms! Ooh! These grapes are sour.
Oh, I'm sorry! - I forgot you wanted to be on the squad.
- Oh, that's OK.
- Cheerleading's a little too hairy these days.
- Yeah.
That's for sure.
"Catherine the Great.
" And there's been no sign of her? That last spell? She said I'd never make trouble again.
Wherever she is, I don't think we'll have to worry.
Twisted.
I'm just happy to have my body back.
- I'm thinking of getting fat.
- You know, I hear that look's in for spring.
Urgh! Argh!