Buffy the Vampire Slayer s06e16 Episode Script

Previously: If I'd known you were comin', I'd have baked a cake.
- Tell me you love me.
- I love you.
- Tell me you want me.
- I always want you.
Anya, you wanna marry me? Yes.
- We're getting married.
- Congratulations! Wedding, one week! We have friends, family, demons flying in, a to-do list getting no shorter Can we not do this now? I don't think this is gonna work.
Are you saying you're gonna leave me? Big wedding coming up.
You and Tara are speaking again.
- You wanna call her? Invite her over? - No.
Too soon for so bold a manoeuvre.
- It's over.
- I've memorised this tune, love.
I'm using you and it's killing me.
I'm sorry, William.
I know there's been a lot of loss.
People have a tendency to go away.
And sometimes I wish I could just make them stop.
Wish granted.
Buffy, it's hideous.
Oh, my God, Buffy.
Look at its arms! I know.
But it's my duty.
I'm Buffy the bridesmaid.
Duty, schmuty.
I'm supposed to be best man.
Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrich-y in a dashing tuxedo number? - No.
- Oh.
That would be unfair.
We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridesmaids-dom.
Well, maybe if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional blood larva and burlap.
She was a vengeance demon for, like, a thousand years.
She would know all the most flattering Iarvae.
What was she thinking? She's probably too stressed to be thinking, what with Xander's relatives and her demons.
Oh, my God, last night, the rehearsal dinner.
It was like a zoo without the table manners.
And I bet it got worse after we left.
I can't believe everyone bought that story about Anya's people being circus folk.
Did you see the guy with the tentacles? What's he? Inky the Squid Boy? And Xander's family.
I haven't seen them that bad since my Bat Mitzvah.
- Did you see how much they drank? - Kinda.
Mr Harris threw up in my purse.
Oh! Ohh.
You guys look so beautiful! This is the happiest day of my whole life! You seen my cuff links, Uncle Rory? Metal deals, hold my sleeves together? You don't want those.
What you really want is Velcro.
- Did I ever tell you how that was my idea? -'Scuse me.
How you doin'? Good.
Rory? What you doin' there? I'm tryin' to make myself an Irish coffee, but this stupid thing is on the fritz.
Watch it, it's still plugged in.
Gotcha.
Oh, is that broken? You want me to take a look at that? Knock yourself out there, Kevin.
Uh it's, uh, Krelvin.
Right.
Right.
Krelvin.
Whoo! - Xander, you're not ready yet? - Look at my hair.
It doesn't really matter cos I won't be in any of the pictures.
- You'll be in the pictures, Mom.
- I think your hair looks lovely.
- Oh.
- How's about some breakfast? Oh, well, I guess if I'm a little plump it doesn't matter, cos I won't really be - You'll be in the pictures, Ma! - That's one of hers, right? Hey.
You're one of hers, right? - You met Krelvin already, Dad.
Last night.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
We met.
You, um you said I resembled your mother-in-law.
- Tony! - Oh, yeah.
And then you hit me with a cocktail wiener, and then you insulted my heritage.
Heritage? Bein' circus folks is suddenly heritage now? I mean no disrespect, of course.
I'm sure you come from a long, proud line of geeks.
- Kidding.
Just kidding.
- Xander? Xander.
You know that guy Kevin? If he could clear up the skin problem, do you think do you suppose he'd date a woman with a kid? I mean, I really can't afford to be very picky.
Cousin Carol your earrings are my cuff links.
They are? Oh, my.
Oops.
Excellent.
Cuff links - check.
We're rollin'.
Nothing on earth can stop this wedding now.
- Is it too small? - Nah.
It fit when I picked up the tux.
How can it not fit now? It'll fit.
Aw, man, what if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my kummerbund, and the world can see my pants meet my shirt?! Buffy, that can not happen.
I must wear das kummerbund! And so you shall! - You got it! - Slayer strength.
I've been meanin' to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen.
Look at you.
You look great, Mr About To Get Married.
Glowing.
Oh, my God! Maybe you're pregnant! Maybe.
I dunno.
Maybe I'm just happy.
Teary.
Oh! Good.
Good teary.
Happy teary? Not frustrated-with-bow-tie teary? Yes.
Happy.
Happy for you.
That makes me happy for me.
You and Anya give me hope.
It's like you two are proof that there's light at the end of this very long, long, nasty tunnel.
And I cannot tie this tie.
Where's your best man? Isn't she supposed to do this? She said she had something to do.
- Want me to hold it shut for you? - OK.
Are you guys even listening? I need feedback, people.
- Sorry.
Please continue with the vows.
- OK.
"l, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honour you, but not to obey you, of course - that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, a sea captain?" - "However, I do entrust you" - What? Is something funny? - No, nothing, sweetie.
Just keep still.
OK.
Blah, blah, blah, misogynistic.
Blah, blah "l do, however, entrust you um, with my heart.
" "Take care of my heart, won't you, please?" "Take care of it because it's all that I have.
" "And, if you let me, I'll take care of your heart too.
" "I'll protect it and tend to it, like a little stray.
" Wait, no.
"Like a little mangy stray that needs a home.
" - No, that's not it either.
- Um I think we're all set here.
Let's take a look at you.
Oh.
Wow.
You look lovely.
Really lovely.
Thanks.
It's probably the blush of imprudent spending.
Do you think Xander will like it? Oh, I want to see Xander now! You can't.
It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress, remember? Right.
I can't keep all these ridiculous traditions straight.
What if I'm not wearing my dress when I see him? OK, no sex.
Cuddling? It's just I'm so excited and I want to share it with my best friend.
I get to be with my best friend for ever! Yay! - Guess who agreed to be my date for tonight.
- I'm really supposed to be working.
- I'm one of the caterers.
- Oh, hush.
No woman of mine is gonna work.
All you have to do is sit pretty, and laugh when I tell a good one.
Tell her what a funny guy I am, Dawnie.
Gotta go.
Enjoy the wedding.
- Oh, bad head.
- What? Well, the lip wasn't split right.
You gotta grab the lip between your thumb and your finger, and then you have to slice right through the centre of the meat.
It was my trade.
I used to stuff things.
I still do.
But only for fun.
- Ah.
Hymen's greetings.
- Hy what? Hymen, the god of matrimony.
His salutations upon you.
May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.
Cool.
I brought a gift.
I suppose there's a table.
Oh.
- Halfrek.
- Oh, please, call me Hallie! - We're practically family now.
- Hm.
Neat.
I can put this on the table for you.
- Thank you.
Careful, it's - Fragile? Squirmy.
So, Dawnie, how's everything? Going good? Nothing you, um, nothing you wish was different? For Yekk's sake, take a day off.
We're not here to do vengeance, we're here to mingle.
Oh, look.
It's Katika Whatshername.
What has she done with? - Spike! - Oh.
I want you to meet my date.
- Hi.
I'm Dawn.
- Uh-huh.
So, yeah.
Anyway, that's my date.
She's with me.
My date for the wedding.
Yeah.
OK.
Well, nice meeting you.
So, circus folk.
What's that like? Your friend - the fella with the warts - went off on his circus "heritage", like you folks are all in some kind of cult.
Well, there are ancient ways.
Clowning, as an occupation, grew out of the commedia dell'arte, and ancient sports, of course.
If you expect Xander to bring up his kids in a foreign-speaky bow-to-the-easty kinda cult You think children should be raised in ignorance of our ways? No! No, the Harrises are very broad-minded.
We're Episcopalians.
Oh.
"Till death do us part.
" That's what cracks me up.
Hit me again, barkeep.
- How do I look? - Well, let's see.
Found your shoes.
Your fly's zipped.
I'd say you look like you're ready to get married.
Aw.
You're one of the decent ones, Xander.
I hope I'm as lucky as you guys someday.
You wanna get lucky? I've still got, what, 15, 20 minutes.
Oh! All right.
Into the breach with you.
OK, breach me.
Now, let's go over the list one more time.
Number one? - Don't let your dad near the bar.
- Check.
Number two? - Don't let your mom near the bar.
- Check.
- Hey, Buffy.
Spike brought a total skank.
- A? A Manic Panic freak he's macking with in the middle of the room.
- I saw him shove his tongue - Spike brought a date? Yeah.
Wait till you see her.
Guys, I better go meet and greet.
Just go ahead.
I'll be a sec.
Hey, congratulations.
Congratulations, there, son.
- Hello, young man.
- Oh, Xander Alexander, do you realise that the usher sat us in the third row? - I'm sure it was a mistake.
- I don't think - Excuse me.
- Do you know where the photographer is? - I've got a proposition for him - I need to talk to you.
- Xander, one of Anya's presents got loose! - Got loose? It's a fully alive squiggly thingy - and why is Halfrek a bridesmaid? Please, please, you have to You have to listen to me! You can't get married today.
It's a huge mistake.
Yeah, right.
Thanks for the advice, Uncle Help me here.
- Uncle? You don't recognise me, do you? - I'm sorry, I don't This sounds crazy, I know but you have to believe me.
I'm Xander Harris.
I'm you.
- What do you mean, you're me? - I'm you.
I'm you from the future.
Oh, from the future! I thought you were a nutball, but now that you're from the future Please listen to me.
I found my way back to warn you, to tell you - Hey, easy.
Everything's gonna be all right.
- Toast! - I told that guy no drinks before the service.
- Toast! A toast to the Harris clan.
- Look.
Look! I can prove it to you.
- I know we've had problems I thought you might need convincing.
- Anya's crew make mine look good.
- Come on.
Follow me.
And to my wife, Jessica.
Where are you, honey? There she is.
To my wife.
What would I do without you, beautiful? Well, for starters, I probably wouldn't need to drink so much, would l? On the brighter side, marriage has probably saved me from a nasty dose of the clap.
Here's to ya.
- Does this jerk ever shut up? - He's startin' to make my suckers twitch.
And a toast to the bride's dermatologically-challenged family shrub.
- Sit down! - Hey, I paid for all this! You want me to sit down, you cough up a couple of grand, Squidly.
What'd you call me, you drunken piece of sh? - Mazel tov! - Hey! What's this? You must be so happy for Xander on his very special, once-in-a-lifetime day, Mr Harris.
Nice chassis.
What's under the hood? Rrr! You know, I could use a strong cup of coffee.
Hey, let's get you one too.
What do you say? - Did you own a little square pinkish purse? - I did.
I thought so.
What do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my You finish that sentence and I guarantee you won't have anything to show.
Ooh.
- What is it? - It's magic.
Very powerful.
Look at it.
You'll see what I've seen.
Feel what I've felt.
Anya.
Anya! Get the hell away from me! Dad, Josh is teasing me.
Sara's a weirdo! Sara's a weirdo! What? You goin' out again? - I'm doing a makeover party.
- I thought you hated those.
Well, one of us has to make some money.
Well, what do you want me to do? I can't work.
My back's shot.
- And whose fault is that? - Oh, no, no, no.
Not the Buffy thing again.
You had no business fighting demons with her.
Buffy needed me.
I had to help.
Well, it didn't save her, did it? All it did was ruin our lives.
I'll be late.
I hope you crash in your stupid pink car! - What? - I hate this place.
- You know I don't eat wheat.
- You don't eat anything, freak.
- At least I'm not a mama's boy.
- At least I'm not a freak.
- Dad, make him cut it! - You should talk to your mother about that.
You've had too much wine.
Have l? I'm just saying maybe you should talk to your daughter! Ohh, I hate you guys! I know that you're not my real dad, and I hate you.
I hate you both.
I wish you'd die! This sucks.
If you were so unhappy, why didn't you leave? I wanted to.
I should have! Yeah.
Maybe I would have gotten some touch in the past 20 years.
- I wasn't the one who stopped touching! - Oh! Maybe, but you weren't touchin' me! What did you expect me to do? You wouldn't come near me after Buffy - Don't bring her into this! - Fine.
Forget her.
Maybe you were just born to be a bitter, angry old man.
- Shut up.
- No! I want my life back! If I hadn't married you I wouldn't have had to hate myself for the last 30 years! Shut up! - I'm so sorry.
I didn't want to show you.
- What happened? What was that? A glimpse of your future, harnessed by magic.
Is she OK? Is she OK? What did I do?! Listen.
I don't have long here.
The spell that brought me back, it won't last.
But you can change things.
It doesn't have to go like this.
- But you can't marry Anya.
- But You'll hurt her less today than you will later.
Believe me.
Sometimes, two people all they bring each other is pain.
Hello, Buffy.
Hey.
It's a happy occasion.
You meet my friend? No.
Not yet.
But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.
Is it working? A little.
It doesn't change anything but if you're wildly curious yeah, it hurts.
I'm sorry.
Or good! - You want us to go? - No.
No, l you have every right to be here.
I pretty much deserve That's not true.
You God, this is hard.
Yeah.
I think we'll go.
Go where? Your place? Yeah, I suppose.
- That was the idea.
- Yeah.
- Evil.
- Of course.
But I won't or, uh I'll just go.
Give my best to whatever the happy couple.
I will.
It's nice to watch you be happy.
For them, even.
I don't see it a lot.
You, uh you glow.
That's because the dress is radioactive.
- I should - Yeah.
But it hurts? Yeah.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
- Let's go.
- What about the wedding? Let's just piss off, all right? I'll say this for the Y-chromosome looks good in a tux.
Well, your double Xs don't look too bad there, either.
You're getting married.
My little Xander.
All growed up.
It's a good thing I realised I was gay, otherwise, hey, you, me and formalwear - Do you know how much I love you? - Mmm About half as much as I love you.
You ready for the long walk? Um Just give me a sec.
I wanna work on my vows.
Take your time.
It's not like we can start the wedding without you.
"l, Anya, promise to cherish you" Ew, no, not cherish.
Um "l promise to have sex with you whenever I want, and, uh uh, pledge to be your friend, your wife, and your confidante, - and your sex poodle" - Sex poodle? Yeah.
Why? I'm not sure you should say "sex poodle" in your vows.
Huh.
The music.
They're playing the music! This is it.
Are you ready to go? He's gone.
Xander disappeared.
What? Xander's gone? What should we do? I'm gonna go look for him.
I'm gonna find him.
And you're gonna stall.
Sorry about that.
There's just gonna be a little bit of a delay.
- Why? What's wrong? - Nothing! Nothing's wrong, it's just, um it's the minister.
He had to go and perform an emergency C-section.
- C-section? - Yeah! You know, he's not just a minister, he's also a doctor.
He's half-minister, half-doctor.
He's a mini-tor.
Not to be confused with a Minotaur, because he's all man, this doctor-minister man - no bull parts whatsoever.
Uh-huh.
So it should just be a couple of minutes.
OK.
OK.
For the last time.
"l, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because I love you and I'll always love you.
" "And before I knew you, I was, like, a completely different person.
" "Not even a person, really.
" "And I had seen what love could do to people, and it was hurt and sadness.
" "Alone was better.
" "And then, suddenly, there was you, and you knew me.
" "You saw me, and it was this thing.
" "You make me feel safe and warm.
" "So, l get it now.
" "l finally get love, Xander.
" "l really do.
" - I'm bored.
- It's a wedding, honey.
We're all bored.
No! No, it's, uh It's not what you think.
Beautiful.
What's going on? I mean, I am sorry, but what the hell was that minister thinking? - Uh, I don't know.
He - Delivering a baby on my special day.
It's totally rude of him - and the mother.
Why couldn't he have just told her to hold it? Give me a double Jack.
This is a disaster.
It's that Anya.
I know it.
She made us pay for the whole thing and now she's gonna louse it up.
Women! I offered to help.
She didn't want my help.
This totally isn't happening.
We should've known she'd never I am worried about Anya.
Oh, sure.
Of course you are.
Oh, Halfrek.
You know I love all my demons equally.
Buffy, you've gotta do something.
So who here's from out of town? My family is worse.
No way.
Mine is so messed up you have no idea.
Wait until you see my mom dance at the reception and then tell me who's messed up.
- I guess they're all messed up.
- Yeah.
Everybody's pretty lame.
- First word! - One word! - Animal? - Animal? Bull! - Anya, wait up! - This bride waits for no one.
If the minister's not here yet, we just have to get married without a minister.
Jeez.
What is the hold-up? Can you keep a secret? Nobody knows this, but the groom, he took off and no one can find him.
- What? - Um - I'll catch you later, Dawn.
- Xander's gone? Xander's missing? What do you mean, Xander's missing?! It's a joke.
Xander's playing a joke.
It's like one time, at one of Carol's weddings, I had this ape suit Oh, great.
Another Harris family joke.
Why don't you have another drink? Drinking is the only way I can dull the pain of looking at your ugly face.
Think real hard about this, Harris.
Don't touch me with those nasty circus things! That's it! Thanks.
- You OK? - Yeah.
Xander? Have you seen Xander? Has anyone seen Xander? Well, I saw him go into the trophy room with that guy! You.
You were talking to Xander right before he left.
What did he say to you? - What did you say to him? - Doesn't matter now, does it? It's done.
What's done? Did you? If you said something to make him leave You'll what? Haven't changed a bit.
Still as vindictive as ever.
Do I know you? You don't recognise me, Anya? I'm not the man I used to be.
I know.
Guys! Will you break it up?! Xander.
Where is he? You tell me, old man! - You tell me why he left! - He left because of you.
- I didn't do anything.
- Oh, really? What about this? Tell me what you did with Xander.
What are you?! You did this.
You brought this on.
I've waited a long time for this, Anyanka.
- Who are you? - Remember Chicago? South Side, 1914? Stewart Burns, philanderer! You'd think you'd remember.
I remember you.
But you ruined my life.
You were a - I punished you.
- That's right.
Some hussy I'd been taking around summons you.
Next thing I know, I look like this and I'm being tortured in another dimension.
- I forgot.
- Well, I didn't! Anya! Every day I remembered and every day I thought how I would get here, and ruin your life like you ruined mine.
It didn't take much, either.
I scared off your fiancé with a couple of phoney visions.
Visions of what? Your future.
Or his nightmare vision of your future.
- That's it? That's all you did? - Yeah.
It was easy.
Look at that, you're crying.
Oh, I like that.
- Stop it.
- Oh, cry, Anyanka, cry.
I love to see you cry.
And now I'd love to see you scream.
Come any closer and I'll kill her.
- Anya! - Xander! I'm I'm so glad you're here.
It was all lies, what he showed you.
It wasn't true, he just wanted to break us up.
- It doesn't matter now.
- So we'll be OK? Excuse me.
- It's dead.
- Yup.
Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? Maybe we can cover it with flowers.
Look at this damage.
I'm not payin' for this, you freaks! Stop calling us freaks! Oh, no, no! No, not again! No! Stop it! Everyone sit down! This wedding will go on, so get back in your seats! You know, it's bad luck to see me in my dress.
Hey.
It's OK.
It's all over now.
He's dead, and it was just smoke and mirrors.
I know.
So - we're ready now.
Let's get married.
- l I-l I'm not I'm not ready.
I can't, An, I'm sorry.
But it wasn't real.
What he showed you, it wasn't real.
I know it wasn't real.
But it could be.
What was it? Was it about me? Cos he wanted you to hate me, Xander.
It wasn't you.
It wasn't you I was hating.
I had these thoughts and fears before this.
- Maybe we just went too fast.
- Look, everybody has thoughts.
It's natural, it doesn't mean getting married is wrong.
- I know, I know.
- Look, you're just shaken up, OK? You just calm down and we'll start over, OK? We can't start over.
If this is a mistake, it's for ever.
And I don't wanna hurt you.
Not that way.
I'm sorry.
- But - I am so sorry.
Should we do something for her? Anything? She wants to be alone.
That's what she wants.
Oh, God, it just hurts my heart to think of her.
I know.
The whole thing hurts my heart.
- I thought they were happy.
- They were.
I know they were.
They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel.
I guess they were a train.
Why did this happen? I don't know.
I feel like I should be hating Xander.
But I can't.
I just I just hope he's OK.
I wonder where he is.
Not much to explain.
Air conditioner's busted.
That's it.
Checkout's at 11.
Are you OK? I'm tired of crying.
I'm just so tired, D'Hoffryn.
Oh, Anyanka.
I'm sorry.
But you let him domesticate you.
When you were a vengeance demon, you were powerful.
At the top of your game, you crushed men like him.
It's time you got back to what you do best, don't you think?