Buffy the Vampire Slayer s07e06 Episode Script
Him
Previously on "Buffy the Vampire Slayer": Spike, this is the Hellmouth.
You have a soul? Fine.
Show me.
- Get out of this basement.
- I don't have anywhere else to go.
There will always be vengeance demons.
But now you, Anya, you're out.
Whatever's between us it doesn't matter.
- You shouldn't be alone in this.
- Yes, I should.
You'll live in there.
It looks like a closet, but it's a room now.
Don't touch my food.
I take the first shower.
If I use all the hot water, tough noogies.
And I hate this plan.
Keeping up, or do you need an English to Constant Pain In My Ass translation? Invitation? Is there something more emphatic than "hate"? Can I "revile" the plan? Fine.
I invite you in.
Nimrod.
Don't want your sodding food anyway.
I don't understand when his problems became yours - or mine.
The school basement is making him crazy.
We can't leave him there.
Why not? Crazy Basement Guy is better than Stalking Buffy Guy.
It's true.
You guys aren't? - You're not starting again with the whole? - No.
A thousand gallons of no.
It's just things are different now.
He has a soul.
I'm sure that'll be a comfort when he soulfully attacks you again.
Yeah, what does that mean exactly? That Spike is all soul-having? I don't know.
But he's been through a lot, OK? And nobody is attacking Buffy Sorry.
- No, it's me.
I just - I'll go.
This can't work.
It will.
It already is.
You've been out for half an hour and you've already stopped talking to invisible people.
Bollocks.
- There was that episode in the car.
- Bollocks to the whole thing.
- I don't need your mollycoddling.
- It's not coddling.
Now go to your closet.
- (Dawn) So what is it? - (Buffy) What's what? (Dawn) Last night, you said you weren't helping Spike out of pity.
What is it? (Buffy) That's a good question.
Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a Zen non-answer? No, I just I don't know what I'm feeling.
I think I can't stand him, but then sometimes - You love him? - No.
I I feel for him.
- Feel what, exactly? - Dawn No, I'm just trying to understand.
I mean, none of it makes sense.
First you say Spike disgusts you, but you're doing it like bunnies.
And then Spike says he'd die for you, but he tries to rape you.
For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was.
That's why he went away.
But to get a soul? Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar, and now he says he still wants her? I just don't think it's the school basement that's making people crazy.
- I should really get back.
You coming with? - I just don't see why people bother.
I mean, you put all this energy into chasing and having and brooding and I don't get these relationships where you do insane things.
- Bye, Rant Girl.
- You could, like, paint a beautiful mural on every ugly wall in the world.
Then you could paint a beautiful mural on every ugly mural in the wor (# "Theme From A Summer Place" by Percy Faith) (squeals and crashes to the floor) (growling) Maybe I'm not the right Anyanka.
Ever think about that? There's tons of Anyankas out there.
Maybe one of them pissed off this What did you say his name was? D'Hoffrynfefeffer? Good thing I stopped by and heard screaming.
So, I guess D'Hoffryn decided to take you out after all? Yeah.
He's, uh not Head of Vengeance for nothing.
Well, thank you for the generous life-saving.
Now, please go away.
Look, I don't need anyone's help.
Or, OK, clearly I do, but I don't want to need anyone's help, so stop helping.
I get it.
After last week, you feel you need to be all renegade and broody.
- Taking yourself out of the loop.
- I need to figure out who I am.
Another something bad is happening.
I don't want my friends out there alone right now, OK? Well, I guess you guys could use my help.
Willow's not very good with the practical strategising.
Except when she's evil.
And Dawn she's not good for anything.
(# "Handsome Drink" by Aberdeen) (girl) I've been thinking, and I think I can still cheer.
I mean, I could use a chair.
Or we all could - like the Laker Girls.
(girl #2) You need to concentrate on getting better.
Don't worry.
We'll find a replacement for you tomorrow.
I just feel like I let you down.
Hey, RJ! Oh, Dawn.
- Hey, Summers.
- (Dawn) Um So, I was wondering.
You had Mr Gurin for English back at your old school, right? We all did.
I have him this year.
What a drag.
- I actually kinda liked him.
- Right! Right.
No, no, I like him.
It's just, you know, I meant "drag" in a good, fun way.
So, are the tryouts tomorrow? You're gonna make the new girls jump up and down a lot? God, gross! A vending machine fell on Cheryl and all you can think about is new cheerleaders? Hey! So, I heard someone saying that we're gonna go all the way to the championships this year.
In football.
We have a good shot, for a new team.
If you can get us past Highland, we've got a good shot.
- Like you could do better? - We'll see.
- You think Coach'd start you at quarterback? - Just saying.
The quarterback is the most important member.
He is like the rudder that guides the ship.
- Right.
Could I give you a hand with that? - Would you really? - Oh, it's OK, she can do it herself.
- Hey, we're all on the same team, right? Yeah.
You're all on the team.
We'll talk later, guys.
That's cool.
(# "New Slang" by The Shins) Go-o-o, Razorbacks! (girl #2) OK.
Awesome.
Thank you.
Up next, we have Dawn Summers.
- Nice outfit.
- (laughing) (chants) Razorbacks, Razorbacks! We're gonna play.
We got a secret weapon and his name is RJ.
Hear us cheer, hear us yell.
Listen what we say.
Razorbacks, Razorbacks! Go, RJ! Argh! OK.
Thank you.
Very spirited.
- Come on, Dawnie.
Come out.
- (sobbing) Dawn, sweetheart, it's not that bad.
How would you even know? RJ's never gonna notice me now.
From what you said, I'm sure he noticed you.
I mean, with the falling and the spirit.
Spirit! - They said you were spirited, right? - Go away! Dawn! Things a lot better, I see.
I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos.
Right, with the wailing and the crying.
Still better than a cosy evening with Spike.
Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza? It is not a snit! I finally met him - the guy of my dreams, OK? - and I blew it.
RJ hates me now.
Dawn, what is that? Just the end of my life.
Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.
(# "School Blood" by King Black Acid) - You shredded my outfit.
- I'll buy you a new one.
That's not the point.
I don't want a new cheerleading outfit.
Now, now, let's not be hasty.
Not the right time.
Dawn, I'm sorry that you feel so bad, OK? But in the morning this won't seem so terrible.
You don't even know this RJ.
Not really.
I do know him.
I know his soul.
Really? Dawn, he wasn't even on your radar yesterday.
It's the jacket.
It's true.
The big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy.
I saw it all the time in school.
You couldn't just pin a felt letter to your coat and get play.
- Not that I tried.
- It isn't a crush.
It's love.
I love RJ.
Again, since yesterday.
Dawn, it's awfully fast.
What? You're telling me I don't feel what I feel? No, of course not.
I believe that you think it's real.
It seems real, to you.
Know what? Maybe I don't want advice from the dysfunction queen.
You have no idea how I feel.
You have no idea what real love is.
Maybe if you did, you wouldn't make fun of me.
- Dawn, I'm not making fun of you.
- Just go.
Leave me alone.
(bell) Brooks.
I just talked to the coach.
I told you, all those fumbles in practice - he was gonna come down on you.
I'm starting on Saturday.
Great.
Who knew fumbling all the time was the key? It's just time to let someone else have a turn.
And you knew this was comin'.
Yeah.
Sure.
- You can't do this to RJ.
- Oh, hey, it's you.
Nice cheering the other day.
It isn't fair.
He works so hard.
What do you care? This is how the game is played.
It's dog eat dog, may the best man win.
But nobody's better than RJ.
Yeah, well, that's not really up to you, is it? Hm? It all happened so fast.
One minute he was walking, and the next he stumbled and and he fell.
Why would he say you pushed him down the stairs? I don't know.
Maybe he was just embarrassed.
It's hard being clumsy, especially when you're popular and athletic.
I'd bet.
To be candid, it wouldn't be the first time I caught O'Donnell in a lie.
- It'd be nice if they didn't involve my sister.
- I'll have to call Coach Wheeler and tell him the bad news.
- Not a conversation I really wanna have.
- At least he's still got RJ to take over.
Yeah.
I think we have everything we need for now.
I'm sorry you had to get involved in this, Dawn.
That's OK.
I'm just really sorry it happened.
Summers.
- Hey! - Hi.
- I heard Wood hauled you into his office.
- Well, yeah.
- About O'Donnell? - Yes.
That sucks, facing the whole inquisition thing.
Yeah.
"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
" God, it's like I have a disease or something.
It was really no big deal.
No.
It was.
I think it's cool that you faced him.
Wood.
We just talked.
He just wanted me to tell him about the accident.
Yeah.
It sucks when these things just happen - out of nowhere.
Right.
Out of nowhere.
I was thinking of heading out tonight, after practice.
You wanna meet up? Um hm.
(# "Little Fury" by The Breeders) Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less bl-bl-bl-bl-bl.
I'm just sayin', once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor? No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.
At least he's showering.
That's a refreshing and delightful change.
Buff.
- (Buffy) I think that's the guy.
- What guy? The one who, according to Dawn, is the "smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school.
" - He don't seem so tough.
- Check out the fan club.
Daddy like.
- What is that shirt made of? Paint? - Buff Glad Dawnie can't see her precious boyfriend getting thrusty with some slut-bag hussy - Oh.
- (Xander) Oh.
Oh! No! "Daddy" No, I wasn't When I was looking, I wasn't - Oh, God! - Right there with ya.
So, do you have plans later? Or are you going to the docks to wait for the fleet to come in? - What? - Where do I start with the bad? First, you said you were going to the library.
Second, you do not go on a date without informing me.
Third, Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky.
Well, I think I look hot, and so does RJ.
I bet.
Maybe I should have a word with him.
No! Don't you dare embarrass me in front of him.
I don't like this.
He has you acting crazy.
- It's my life.
I'll do what I want to.
- I don't think so.
Oh.
So, what? Suddenly you're Mom now? No, I'm not.
And I am glad she's not here to see you like this.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I just - You just can't handle it.
- What?! - You've always been the special one.
Hot little Buffy with her boyfriends.
The Slayer.
Now someone likes me and you can't stand that I'm getting the attention.
- That is the farthest thing from true.
- No, it's not.
Sorry, but I like the way RJ makes me feel.
If you think that makes me a slut or whatever, I don't care.
Oh, no, no, no.
You are not going back out on that dance floor.
(rattling) RJ? I know what you're doing, slut.
I saw you.
I saw you with RJ! - So? We were just dancing.
- Right.
You think I'm stupid? You're gonna back off.
Now.
You know what's sad? A girl who can't move on when she's been dumped.
He didn't dump me! First with the lap dance, now with the catfight.
Hey, wanna get drunk and barf next? - Let go of me! This isn't finished.
- I'll never let you have him, bitch.
RJ is mine.
I mean it.
Stay away from him! Well, at least someone agrees you shouldn't be dating this guy.
(bell) How about if you try doing your own homework for a change? All right? No more getting these young, impressionable women to do it for you.
Avoid detention, RJ.
Sound good? - Whatever.
- Oh! Sweet, infectious enthusiasm.
Whoa.
Hang on there, slappy.
I'm not done with you yet.
Oh, man.
Like it's not bad enough I got that guy riding my back all the time.
- Now I gotta deal with you, too? - I'm a bit more formidable than Mr Wood.
You might come to look fondly on his back-riding.
- Yeah, but come on - Sit.
- I told him I was sorry about the homework.
- Mm.
Not the homework, Mr Wizard.
The girls.
What you're doing to them.
In specific, my sister.
I didn't do anything to your sister.
You saw how hot she looked last night.
- I think that proved - Ah-ah-ah! No more with the talky.
I know how guys like you work.
You turn on the charm, you get whatever you want, right? OK, look, it's not like that.
I just get along really well with girls.
Oh, I see how you get along.
"Oh, look at me, I'm Mr Quarterback.
" "I crush little girls and all their little feelings.
" "All I have to do is lead a team of high-school athletes trying their best to do a good job, everyone depending on me.
" That is a lot of pressure.
But it doesn't mean you get to disregard other people's feelings.
It's not like I meant to hurt anyone.
I know.
I know that.
It's just you're a leader.
A captain, OK? People look up to you and you need to keep that in mind when you I bet you run a lot, huh? I mean they work you pretty hard, don't they? Yeah.
I guess so.
I get that.
I do.
I'm there.
Or at least I was there when I was still in high school.
Which I was just a couple of years ago, really.
You know, I just realised, I'm basically the same age as you.
I'm not really older at all, actually.
I'm just like you but with the sexual experience and stuff.
I think I hear what you're saying.
Right.
I'm really glad that we had this talk, so I think you'd better get back to class.
OK.
Thanks.
(# "Theme From A Summer Place" by Percy Faith) (Buffy) Dawn? You wanna come talk to me? Ambush.
I wanted to tell you that I talked to RJ today.
He's OK.
I think he likes you.
Really? Tell me what he said about me.
Every word, including intonation and facial expressions.
Well, he thinks you're funny and pretty and interesting.
Didn't have a thing to say against you.
Yes, he did.
I can tell.
The tiniest thing.
He might have said that you came on a little strong.
Oh, my God! I'm the pushy queen of Slut Town.
No, honey, not at all.
No, no.
It's just Lay back a little.
Let him come to you.
I'm just scared that while I'm laying back, some other girl's gonna sweep him up.
But we have inside info.
We know he doesn't like being swept.
He likes to be the sweeper.
Dawn, you're gonna come out the winner here.
With me looking out for you.
Yeah, I guess so.
Thank you.
So we do know that six x plus y equals 16, so we can solve for y in terms of iso Sorry to interrupt.
We need to see RJ Brooks down in the guidance office.
(# "Warning Sign" by Coldplay) There's no one here.
Yeah, there is.
There's one of you and there's one of me.
You were the one in math class.
Tell me what that adds up to.
I'm not coming on too strong if I just look at him.
(Buffy) I've always been fascinated by football.
So what's it like to lead a team? The thing of it is, the time.
Nobody gets how much time goes into it, with practices and games.
I totally get it.
I was kinda juggling some stuff when I was in high school too.
Which was also very recent.
Principal Snyder was always on me.
I still say Wood's the worst.
You haven't seen the way that guy rides me.
I wish somebody would just get him off my back.
Yeah.
That would be cool.
And sometimes, I didn't even do anything wrong.
You're like a teacher.
Not really.
But, I mean, does it bother you? Not so much.
Dawn? What's wrong? Is this Did that guy in the jacket? - I don't even wanna hear his name any more! - I just called him "that guy in the jacket".
That's what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name! Dawnie, honey, you seem extremely perturbed.
- Maybe I should go get Buffy - No! I don't ever wanna see her again.
I thought this was about that guy in the um That guy with the thing.
No, it's about both of them.
Buffy, I think Dawn needs y Xander, hi.
- This is RJ.
- Hey, guy.
It's called knocking.
I'm sorry.
Checkout time was an hour ago.
We were hoping to make up the bed.
And also, it's a classroom, you chowderhead! Now get off the boy, Buffy.
We're going home.
Dawn, please stop crying.
Please? Crying isn't gonna make his love for me go away.
You're under a love spell.
That's what this has to be.
You're right.
He's right.
You're under a spell.
Oh, poor little Dawnie.
But we're working on it.
It'll be better soon.
Yes.
Soon neither one of you will be in love with this boy.
- He's not a boy.
- What do you know about our love? It's true and real.
This isn't magic.
This is my heart.
- Fine.
- We'll be working.
Look, I know this feels terrible, but it isn't real.
Try to hold on to that.
Did you hear that? It isn't real.
- You're just crazy.
- It is so real! I love him.
You knew how I felt, like I'd finally found something, and you betrayed me.
I betrayed you? You constructed this elaborate fantasy about you and my lover.
- Your lover? Your lover?! - Guys, guys - I tried to get you to back away.
- That's right! You lied to me! Did you want me to tell you he's in love with me? - That your little crush is hopeless? - It's not a crush! - Stop.
You're not supposed to do this! - Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful.
And peppy.
No.
Cos you were the one I trusted.
- Dawn, wait! - (door slams) - Crazy lust puppies, aren't they? - At least the yelling went away.
It started to sound like Christmas with my family.
Love spells.
People forget how dangerous they can be.
Hey, been there.
- Xander! - Xander! Stop it! Stop! - Good times.
- Here.
Something.
She's locked her door.
That spell has her good and loopy.
- Info on one RJ Brooks.
- Oh, let me see.
Is there a picture? Family stuff.
Hey, I knew his brother.
He was a big jock at Sunnydale High too.
Couple of years ahead of us.
He used to stick chewing gum in my hair.
- Hm.
- What are you thinking? I think my relationship with RJ's brother was complex at best, but maybe he's a way in.
Now look for a picture.
We're tangling with a powerful spell here and we don't know what the deal is, so keep an eye out if this guy looks twitchy.
And don't let this guy charm you, either.
He had everyone around him practically kissing his ring back in high school.
Yeah? - Construction, huh? That's awesome.
- (Xander) Yeah.
So, what's up with RJ? How's he doing at the old alpha mater? Good.
It's just I know a girl that might be going out with him and I was wondering God, and you wanna know if he's a good guy.
Truth is, he's the best.
Following in my footsteps.
You might not know it now, with a couple of extra pounds, but back then, I was quite the guy.
Yeah, I gather that RJ is pretty popular too.
I gotta tell ya, there was a time I was worried about RJ.
He used to be all into comic books, Model UN, geek stuff - no offence, Harris.
One time, I found all this poetry under his bed.
Turns out, he wrote it.
Then he, uh what do you call it? Blossomed.
That's what it was like.
And do you have any idea why he, you know, burst into a flower all of a sudd? (Spike) You're wearing your brother's jacket.
Here, in this picture.
No, he's wearing mine.
Thatjacket was with me all the way through high school.
Gave it to him when I graduated, right before I started at the Pizza Barn.
- I'm in the management programme.
- So, Lance, where did you get the jacket? Oh, Dad gave it to me.
Made a big deal about it too.
How he met Mom wearing thatjacket.
She was a former Miss Arkansas.
- Very hot in her day.
- Wow, that's wonderful.
- Boy, it's getting late.
- You guys don't have to take off.
I got sort of a rumpus room set up in the basement.
There's air hockey and a mini fridge.
We could party.
(Mrs Brooks) Lance? Do you have guests? There's boxes of raisins if you want snacks.
We really gotta go.
Damn love spell.
I have tried every anti-love spell spell I can find.
Even if you found the right one, he'd probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell spell.
- What? - (doorbell) I'll get it.
Maybe it's Xander with some answers from the brother.
- Oh, you have to be - I was looking for Buffy.
Miss Summers.
- Buffy's not here.
Go away! - Are you sure? No Buffy for you.
Leave quickly now.
Uh OK.
Tell her to call me.
Man! Good thing Buffy and Dawn are upstairs.
(# "Theme From A Summer Place" by Percy Faith) - But you don't even know him! - Yes, I do.
I looked into him.
I saw his soul.
He was walking away, so unless his soul is in his ass AJ is my best friend and my dearest darling.
It's RJ.
And what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me.
- What's going on? - Willow's in love with my boyfriend, RJ.
What? No! You two can't do this.
Willow, you're a gay woman.
And he isn't.
This isn't about his physical presence.
It's about his heart.
- His physical presence has a penis! - I can work around it! This isn't fair! How can you all do this to me? OK, wait.
Everyone wait.
Just calm down, OK? I think I know what this is.
Clearly, you've both been affected by the same love spell that got Dawn.
This isn't a spell.
He owns my heart.
Dawn, be quiet.
We don't need you interfering.
There's a simple answer to this.
Think about who loves him the most.
Clearly I do, since I'm willing to look past the whole orientation thing.
- I need him.
- You're gonna have to do better than that.
- I'd kill for him.
- You'd kill for a chocolate bar.
- No.
- Yes! Kill for him.
I'm the Slayer.
Slayer means kill.
Oh, I'll kill the principal.
- That is hard to top.
- Yeah, well, I have skills.
- I can prove my love with magic.
- Yeah, right.
What're you gonna do, use magic to make him into a girl? Damn! (Anya) Wait, I know what he'll like.
Sorry, Dawnie.
You're never gonna get him.
No.
Never.
Oh, Hecate, I call on you.
I humbly ask your will be done.
Hear my request, a simple change.
Create a daughter from a s Oh, man! Now I've gotta start all over.
Hecate hates that.
- What the hell are you doing? - Proving I love RJ the most.
Will, honey.
- RJ's a guy.
- I did notice that, yeah.
That's why I'm doing my spell, cos he doesn't have to be.
Hand me my crystals.
- I don't have much time.
- Before what? Before Buffy, Anya and Dawn prove they love RJ the most.
- How are they gonna do that? - Buffy's gonna kill Principal Wood Fine, OK, let's start there.
Hey! - What are you guys doing? - Locator spell.
Human variety.
Almost done.
I've got a principal to kill.
What's going on? Who are we looking for? (train horn) You realise Anya's probably seducing RJ as we speak? - God.
You think so? - I wouldn't put it past her.
- She's recently evil, you know.
- So am I.
Why should I miss out? Hey, crazy chicks, look.
Dawn? - Dawn! - Buffy! (train horn) - What were you doing? What is this? - It doesn't matter.
This is a plan? You're gonna steal RJ by being trisected? What am I? Gonna compete with you? You're older and hotter and have sex that's rough and kill people.
I don't have any of that stuff.
But if I did this, then his whole life he'd know there was someone that loved him so much they'd give up their life.
Dawn And it would be true, forever.
No guy is worth your life.
Not ever.
RJ is.
And don't say he isn't.
Look what you were willing to do.
Dawn, I would give him to you in a second if I could.
That's how much you're scaring me.
But I thought you wanted him for you.
Nah.
Well, yeah.
My God, that boy is hot.
Sorry.
- I think I might be under a spell here.
- I hear ya.
- Now, you're sure you understand the plan? - I think I got it, yeah.
Hey! Ow! That, my friends, is the smell of sweet, sweet victory.
Also, burning cotton-poly blend.
Xander, be honest.
You didn't think about slipping thatjacket on just a little bit? I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.
This tool gets his jacket from his brother, who got it from their father, and we'll never know where he got it.
That bites.
Nah, welcome to the Hellmouth, where even outerwear isn't safe.
- I can't believe I almost - I can't believe I almost It was a spell.
You were helpless.
We're not responsible for anything we did morally or, you know, legally.
True.
You fell for a mystical, ancient curse.
Who hasn't made that mistake seven, eight times? You hear that? Not your fault.
I'm just so The way I acted.
The way I talked to you.
I feel so stupid.
All over a spell.
Get ready to feel even stupider when it's not.
Hey, Anya, you never told us what you can't believe you almost.
Almost Who, now? No, you can't be the only not-embarrassed one.
What did you do? I, uh wrote a poem.
An epic poem.
Comparing him to a daisy and a tower and a lake.
(radio) The latest on Sunnydale's late-night bandit who is still at large.
A masked thief held up a number OK, great.
Ice cream.
My treat.
Urgh! Argh!
You have a soul? Fine.
Show me.
- Get out of this basement.
- I don't have anywhere else to go.
There will always be vengeance demons.
But now you, Anya, you're out.
Whatever's between us it doesn't matter.
- You shouldn't be alone in this.
- Yes, I should.
You'll live in there.
It looks like a closet, but it's a room now.
Don't touch my food.
I take the first shower.
If I use all the hot water, tough noogies.
And I hate this plan.
Keeping up, or do you need an English to Constant Pain In My Ass translation? Invitation? Is there something more emphatic than "hate"? Can I "revile" the plan? Fine.
I invite you in.
Nimrod.
Don't want your sodding food anyway.
I don't understand when his problems became yours - or mine.
The school basement is making him crazy.
We can't leave him there.
Why not? Crazy Basement Guy is better than Stalking Buffy Guy.
It's true.
You guys aren't? - You're not starting again with the whole? - No.
A thousand gallons of no.
It's just things are different now.
He has a soul.
I'm sure that'll be a comfort when he soulfully attacks you again.
Yeah, what does that mean exactly? That Spike is all soul-having? I don't know.
But he's been through a lot, OK? And nobody is attacking Buffy Sorry.
- No, it's me.
I just - I'll go.
This can't work.
It will.
It already is.
You've been out for half an hour and you've already stopped talking to invisible people.
Bollocks.
- There was that episode in the car.
- Bollocks to the whole thing.
- I don't need your mollycoddling.
- It's not coddling.
Now go to your closet.
- (Dawn) So what is it? - (Buffy) What's what? (Dawn) Last night, you said you weren't helping Spike out of pity.
What is it? (Buffy) That's a good question.
Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a Zen non-answer? No, I just I don't know what I'm feeling.
I think I can't stand him, but then sometimes - You love him? - No.
I I feel for him.
- Feel what, exactly? - Dawn No, I'm just trying to understand.
I mean, none of it makes sense.
First you say Spike disgusts you, but you're doing it like bunnies.
And then Spike says he'd die for you, but he tries to rape you.
For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was.
That's why he went away.
But to get a soul? Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar, and now he says he still wants her? I just don't think it's the school basement that's making people crazy.
- I should really get back.
You coming with? - I just don't see why people bother.
I mean, you put all this energy into chasing and having and brooding and I don't get these relationships where you do insane things.
- Bye, Rant Girl.
- You could, like, paint a beautiful mural on every ugly wall in the world.
Then you could paint a beautiful mural on every ugly mural in the wor (# "Theme From A Summer Place" by Percy Faith) (squeals and crashes to the floor) (growling) Maybe I'm not the right Anyanka.
Ever think about that? There's tons of Anyankas out there.
Maybe one of them pissed off this What did you say his name was? D'Hoffrynfefeffer? Good thing I stopped by and heard screaming.
So, I guess D'Hoffryn decided to take you out after all? Yeah.
He's, uh not Head of Vengeance for nothing.
Well, thank you for the generous life-saving.
Now, please go away.
Look, I don't need anyone's help.
Or, OK, clearly I do, but I don't want to need anyone's help, so stop helping.
I get it.
After last week, you feel you need to be all renegade and broody.
- Taking yourself out of the loop.
- I need to figure out who I am.
Another something bad is happening.
I don't want my friends out there alone right now, OK? Well, I guess you guys could use my help.
Willow's not very good with the practical strategising.
Except when she's evil.
And Dawn she's not good for anything.
(# "Handsome Drink" by Aberdeen) (girl) I've been thinking, and I think I can still cheer.
I mean, I could use a chair.
Or we all could - like the Laker Girls.
(girl #2) You need to concentrate on getting better.
Don't worry.
We'll find a replacement for you tomorrow.
I just feel like I let you down.
Hey, RJ! Oh, Dawn.
- Hey, Summers.
- (Dawn) Um So, I was wondering.
You had Mr Gurin for English back at your old school, right? We all did.
I have him this year.
What a drag.
- I actually kinda liked him.
- Right! Right.
No, no, I like him.
It's just, you know, I meant "drag" in a good, fun way.
So, are the tryouts tomorrow? You're gonna make the new girls jump up and down a lot? God, gross! A vending machine fell on Cheryl and all you can think about is new cheerleaders? Hey! So, I heard someone saying that we're gonna go all the way to the championships this year.
In football.
We have a good shot, for a new team.
If you can get us past Highland, we've got a good shot.
- Like you could do better? - We'll see.
- You think Coach'd start you at quarterback? - Just saying.
The quarterback is the most important member.
He is like the rudder that guides the ship.
- Right.
Could I give you a hand with that? - Would you really? - Oh, it's OK, she can do it herself.
- Hey, we're all on the same team, right? Yeah.
You're all on the team.
We'll talk later, guys.
That's cool.
(# "New Slang" by The Shins) Go-o-o, Razorbacks! (girl #2) OK.
Awesome.
Thank you.
Up next, we have Dawn Summers.
- Nice outfit.
- (laughing) (chants) Razorbacks, Razorbacks! We're gonna play.
We got a secret weapon and his name is RJ.
Hear us cheer, hear us yell.
Listen what we say.
Razorbacks, Razorbacks! Go, RJ! Argh! OK.
Thank you.
Very spirited.
- Come on, Dawnie.
Come out.
- (sobbing) Dawn, sweetheart, it's not that bad.
How would you even know? RJ's never gonna notice me now.
From what you said, I'm sure he noticed you.
I mean, with the falling and the spirit.
Spirit! - They said you were spirited, right? - Go away! Dawn! Things a lot better, I see.
I don't think tonight's gonna be good for videos.
Right, with the wailing and the crying.
Still better than a cosy evening with Spike.
Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza? It is not a snit! I finally met him - the guy of my dreams, OK? - and I blew it.
RJ hates me now.
Dawn, what is that? Just the end of my life.
Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.
(# "School Blood" by King Black Acid) - You shredded my outfit.
- I'll buy you a new one.
That's not the point.
I don't want a new cheerleading outfit.
Now, now, let's not be hasty.
Not the right time.
Dawn, I'm sorry that you feel so bad, OK? But in the morning this won't seem so terrible.
You don't even know this RJ.
Not really.
I do know him.
I know his soul.
Really? Dawn, he wasn't even on your radar yesterday.
It's the jacket.
It's true.
The big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy.
I saw it all the time in school.
You couldn't just pin a felt letter to your coat and get play.
- Not that I tried.
- It isn't a crush.
It's love.
I love RJ.
Again, since yesterday.
Dawn, it's awfully fast.
What? You're telling me I don't feel what I feel? No, of course not.
I believe that you think it's real.
It seems real, to you.
Know what? Maybe I don't want advice from the dysfunction queen.
You have no idea how I feel.
You have no idea what real love is.
Maybe if you did, you wouldn't make fun of me.
- Dawn, I'm not making fun of you.
- Just go.
Leave me alone.
(bell) Brooks.
I just talked to the coach.
I told you, all those fumbles in practice - he was gonna come down on you.
I'm starting on Saturday.
Great.
Who knew fumbling all the time was the key? It's just time to let someone else have a turn.
And you knew this was comin'.
Yeah.
Sure.
- You can't do this to RJ.
- Oh, hey, it's you.
Nice cheering the other day.
It isn't fair.
He works so hard.
What do you care? This is how the game is played.
It's dog eat dog, may the best man win.
But nobody's better than RJ.
Yeah, well, that's not really up to you, is it? Hm? It all happened so fast.
One minute he was walking, and the next he stumbled and and he fell.
Why would he say you pushed him down the stairs? I don't know.
Maybe he was just embarrassed.
It's hard being clumsy, especially when you're popular and athletic.
I'd bet.
To be candid, it wouldn't be the first time I caught O'Donnell in a lie.
- It'd be nice if they didn't involve my sister.
- I'll have to call Coach Wheeler and tell him the bad news.
- Not a conversation I really wanna have.
- At least he's still got RJ to take over.
Yeah.
I think we have everything we need for now.
I'm sorry you had to get involved in this, Dawn.
That's OK.
I'm just really sorry it happened.
Summers.
- Hey! - Hi.
- I heard Wood hauled you into his office.
- Well, yeah.
- About O'Donnell? - Yes.
That sucks, facing the whole inquisition thing.
Yeah.
"No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
" God, it's like I have a disease or something.
It was really no big deal.
No.
It was.
I think it's cool that you faced him.
Wood.
We just talked.
He just wanted me to tell him about the accident.
Yeah.
It sucks when these things just happen - out of nowhere.
Right.
Out of nowhere.
I was thinking of heading out tonight, after practice.
You wanna meet up? Um hm.
(# "Little Fury" by The Breeders) Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less bl-bl-bl-bl-bl.
I'm just sayin', once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start, like, picking up your own wet towels off the floor? No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.
At least he's showering.
That's a refreshing and delightful change.
Buff.
- (Buffy) I think that's the guy.
- What guy? The one who, according to Dawn, is the "smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest, and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school.
" - He don't seem so tough.
- Check out the fan club.
Daddy like.
- What is that shirt made of? Paint? - Buff Glad Dawnie can't see her precious boyfriend getting thrusty with some slut-bag hussy - Oh.
- (Xander) Oh.
Oh! No! "Daddy" No, I wasn't When I was looking, I wasn't - Oh, God! - Right there with ya.
So, do you have plans later? Or are you going to the docks to wait for the fleet to come in? - What? - Where do I start with the bad? First, you said you were going to the library.
Second, you do not go on a date without informing me.
Third, Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky.
Well, I think I look hot, and so does RJ.
I bet.
Maybe I should have a word with him.
No! Don't you dare embarrass me in front of him.
I don't like this.
He has you acting crazy.
- It's my life.
I'll do what I want to.
- I don't think so.
Oh.
So, what? Suddenly you're Mom now? No, I'm not.
And I am glad she's not here to see you like this.
- Look, I'm sorry.
I just - You just can't handle it.
- What?! - You've always been the special one.
Hot little Buffy with her boyfriends.
The Slayer.
Now someone likes me and you can't stand that I'm getting the attention.
- That is the farthest thing from true.
- No, it's not.
Sorry, but I like the way RJ makes me feel.
If you think that makes me a slut or whatever, I don't care.
Oh, no, no, no.
You are not going back out on that dance floor.
(rattling) RJ? I know what you're doing, slut.
I saw you.
I saw you with RJ! - So? We were just dancing.
- Right.
You think I'm stupid? You're gonna back off.
Now.
You know what's sad? A girl who can't move on when she's been dumped.
He didn't dump me! First with the lap dance, now with the catfight.
Hey, wanna get drunk and barf next? - Let go of me! This isn't finished.
- I'll never let you have him, bitch.
RJ is mine.
I mean it.
Stay away from him! Well, at least someone agrees you shouldn't be dating this guy.
(bell) How about if you try doing your own homework for a change? All right? No more getting these young, impressionable women to do it for you.
Avoid detention, RJ.
Sound good? - Whatever.
- Oh! Sweet, infectious enthusiasm.
Whoa.
Hang on there, slappy.
I'm not done with you yet.
Oh, man.
Like it's not bad enough I got that guy riding my back all the time.
- Now I gotta deal with you, too? - I'm a bit more formidable than Mr Wood.
You might come to look fondly on his back-riding.
- Yeah, but come on - Sit.
- I told him I was sorry about the homework.
- Mm.
Not the homework, Mr Wizard.
The girls.
What you're doing to them.
In specific, my sister.
I didn't do anything to your sister.
You saw how hot she looked last night.
- I think that proved - Ah-ah-ah! No more with the talky.
I know how guys like you work.
You turn on the charm, you get whatever you want, right? OK, look, it's not like that.
I just get along really well with girls.
Oh, I see how you get along.
"Oh, look at me, I'm Mr Quarterback.
" "I crush little girls and all their little feelings.
" "All I have to do is lead a team of high-school athletes trying their best to do a good job, everyone depending on me.
" That is a lot of pressure.
But it doesn't mean you get to disregard other people's feelings.
It's not like I meant to hurt anyone.
I know.
I know that.
It's just you're a leader.
A captain, OK? People look up to you and you need to keep that in mind when you I bet you run a lot, huh? I mean they work you pretty hard, don't they? Yeah.
I guess so.
I get that.
I do.
I'm there.
Or at least I was there when I was still in high school.
Which I was just a couple of years ago, really.
You know, I just realised, I'm basically the same age as you.
I'm not really older at all, actually.
I'm just like you but with the sexual experience and stuff.
I think I hear what you're saying.
Right.
I'm really glad that we had this talk, so I think you'd better get back to class.
OK.
Thanks.
(# "Theme From A Summer Place" by Percy Faith) (Buffy) Dawn? You wanna come talk to me? Ambush.
I wanted to tell you that I talked to RJ today.
He's OK.
I think he likes you.
Really? Tell me what he said about me.
Every word, including intonation and facial expressions.
Well, he thinks you're funny and pretty and interesting.
Didn't have a thing to say against you.
Yes, he did.
I can tell.
The tiniest thing.
He might have said that you came on a little strong.
Oh, my God! I'm the pushy queen of Slut Town.
No, honey, not at all.
No, no.
It's just Lay back a little.
Let him come to you.
I'm just scared that while I'm laying back, some other girl's gonna sweep him up.
But we have inside info.
We know he doesn't like being swept.
He likes to be the sweeper.
Dawn, you're gonna come out the winner here.
With me looking out for you.
Yeah, I guess so.
Thank you.
So we do know that six x plus y equals 16, so we can solve for y in terms of iso Sorry to interrupt.
We need to see RJ Brooks down in the guidance office.
(# "Warning Sign" by Coldplay) There's no one here.
Yeah, there is.
There's one of you and there's one of me.
You were the one in math class.
Tell me what that adds up to.
I'm not coming on too strong if I just look at him.
(Buffy) I've always been fascinated by football.
So what's it like to lead a team? The thing of it is, the time.
Nobody gets how much time goes into it, with practices and games.
I totally get it.
I was kinda juggling some stuff when I was in high school too.
Which was also very recent.
Principal Snyder was always on me.
I still say Wood's the worst.
You haven't seen the way that guy rides me.
I wish somebody would just get him off my back.
Yeah.
That would be cool.
And sometimes, I didn't even do anything wrong.
You're like a teacher.
Not really.
But, I mean, does it bother you? Not so much.
Dawn? What's wrong? Is this Did that guy in the jacket? - I don't even wanna hear his name any more! - I just called him "that guy in the jacket".
That's what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name! Dawnie, honey, you seem extremely perturbed.
- Maybe I should go get Buffy - No! I don't ever wanna see her again.
I thought this was about that guy in the um That guy with the thing.
No, it's about both of them.
Buffy, I think Dawn needs y Xander, hi.
- This is RJ.
- Hey, guy.
It's called knocking.
I'm sorry.
Checkout time was an hour ago.
We were hoping to make up the bed.
And also, it's a classroom, you chowderhead! Now get off the boy, Buffy.
We're going home.
Dawn, please stop crying.
Please? Crying isn't gonna make his love for me go away.
You're under a love spell.
That's what this has to be.
You're right.
He's right.
You're under a spell.
Oh, poor little Dawnie.
But we're working on it.
It'll be better soon.
Yes.
Soon neither one of you will be in love with this boy.
- He's not a boy.
- What do you know about our love? It's true and real.
This isn't magic.
This is my heart.
- Fine.
- We'll be working.
Look, I know this feels terrible, but it isn't real.
Try to hold on to that.
Did you hear that? It isn't real.
- You're just crazy.
- It is so real! I love him.
You knew how I felt, like I'd finally found something, and you betrayed me.
I betrayed you? You constructed this elaborate fantasy about you and my lover.
- Your lover? Your lover?! - Guys, guys - I tried to get you to back away.
- That's right! You lied to me! Did you want me to tell you he's in love with me? - That your little crush is hopeless? - It's not a crush! - Stop.
You're not supposed to do this! - Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful.
And peppy.
No.
Cos you were the one I trusted.
- Dawn, wait! - (door slams) - Crazy lust puppies, aren't they? - At least the yelling went away.
It started to sound like Christmas with my family.
Love spells.
People forget how dangerous they can be.
Hey, been there.
- Xander! - Xander! Stop it! Stop! - Good times.
- Here.
Something.
She's locked her door.
That spell has her good and loopy.
- Info on one RJ Brooks.
- Oh, let me see.
Is there a picture? Family stuff.
Hey, I knew his brother.
He was a big jock at Sunnydale High too.
Couple of years ahead of us.
He used to stick chewing gum in my hair.
- Hm.
- What are you thinking? I think my relationship with RJ's brother was complex at best, but maybe he's a way in.
Now look for a picture.
We're tangling with a powerful spell here and we don't know what the deal is, so keep an eye out if this guy looks twitchy.
And don't let this guy charm you, either.
He had everyone around him practically kissing his ring back in high school.
Yeah? - Construction, huh? That's awesome.
- (Xander) Yeah.
So, what's up with RJ? How's he doing at the old alpha mater? Good.
It's just I know a girl that might be going out with him and I was wondering God, and you wanna know if he's a good guy.
Truth is, he's the best.
Following in my footsteps.
You might not know it now, with a couple of extra pounds, but back then, I was quite the guy.
Yeah, I gather that RJ is pretty popular too.
I gotta tell ya, there was a time I was worried about RJ.
He used to be all into comic books, Model UN, geek stuff - no offence, Harris.
One time, I found all this poetry under his bed.
Turns out, he wrote it.
Then he, uh what do you call it? Blossomed.
That's what it was like.
And do you have any idea why he, you know, burst into a flower all of a sudd? (Spike) You're wearing your brother's jacket.
Here, in this picture.
No, he's wearing mine.
Thatjacket was with me all the way through high school.
Gave it to him when I graduated, right before I started at the Pizza Barn.
- I'm in the management programme.
- So, Lance, where did you get the jacket? Oh, Dad gave it to me.
Made a big deal about it too.
How he met Mom wearing thatjacket.
She was a former Miss Arkansas.
- Very hot in her day.
- Wow, that's wonderful.
- Boy, it's getting late.
- You guys don't have to take off.
I got sort of a rumpus room set up in the basement.
There's air hockey and a mini fridge.
We could party.
(Mrs Brooks) Lance? Do you have guests? There's boxes of raisins if you want snacks.
We really gotta go.
Damn love spell.
I have tried every anti-love spell spell I can find.
Even if you found the right one, he'd probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell spell.
- What? - (doorbell) I'll get it.
Maybe it's Xander with some answers from the brother.
- Oh, you have to be - I was looking for Buffy.
Miss Summers.
- Buffy's not here.
Go away! - Are you sure? No Buffy for you.
Leave quickly now.
Uh OK.
Tell her to call me.
Man! Good thing Buffy and Dawn are upstairs.
(# "Theme From A Summer Place" by Percy Faith) - But you don't even know him! - Yes, I do.
I looked into him.
I saw his soul.
He was walking away, so unless his soul is in his ass AJ is my best friend and my dearest darling.
It's RJ.
And what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me.
- What's going on? - Willow's in love with my boyfriend, RJ.
What? No! You two can't do this.
Willow, you're a gay woman.
And he isn't.
This isn't about his physical presence.
It's about his heart.
- His physical presence has a penis! - I can work around it! This isn't fair! How can you all do this to me? OK, wait.
Everyone wait.
Just calm down, OK? I think I know what this is.
Clearly, you've both been affected by the same love spell that got Dawn.
This isn't a spell.
He owns my heart.
Dawn, be quiet.
We don't need you interfering.
There's a simple answer to this.
Think about who loves him the most.
Clearly I do, since I'm willing to look past the whole orientation thing.
- I need him.
- You're gonna have to do better than that.
- I'd kill for him.
- You'd kill for a chocolate bar.
- No.
- Yes! Kill for him.
I'm the Slayer.
Slayer means kill.
Oh, I'll kill the principal.
- That is hard to top.
- Yeah, well, I have skills.
- I can prove my love with magic.
- Yeah, right.
What're you gonna do, use magic to make him into a girl? Damn! (Anya) Wait, I know what he'll like.
Sorry, Dawnie.
You're never gonna get him.
No.
Never.
Oh, Hecate, I call on you.
I humbly ask your will be done.
Hear my request, a simple change.
Create a daughter from a s Oh, man! Now I've gotta start all over.
Hecate hates that.
- What the hell are you doing? - Proving I love RJ the most.
Will, honey.
- RJ's a guy.
- I did notice that, yeah.
That's why I'm doing my spell, cos he doesn't have to be.
Hand me my crystals.
- I don't have much time.
- Before what? Before Buffy, Anya and Dawn prove they love RJ the most.
- How are they gonna do that? - Buffy's gonna kill Principal Wood Fine, OK, let's start there.
Hey! - What are you guys doing? - Locator spell.
Human variety.
Almost done.
I've got a principal to kill.
What's going on? Who are we looking for? (train horn) You realise Anya's probably seducing RJ as we speak? - God.
You think so? - I wouldn't put it past her.
- She's recently evil, you know.
- So am I.
Why should I miss out? Hey, crazy chicks, look.
Dawn? - Dawn! - Buffy! (train horn) - What were you doing? What is this? - It doesn't matter.
This is a plan? You're gonna steal RJ by being trisected? What am I? Gonna compete with you? You're older and hotter and have sex that's rough and kill people.
I don't have any of that stuff.
But if I did this, then his whole life he'd know there was someone that loved him so much they'd give up their life.
Dawn And it would be true, forever.
No guy is worth your life.
Not ever.
RJ is.
And don't say he isn't.
Look what you were willing to do.
Dawn, I would give him to you in a second if I could.
That's how much you're scaring me.
But I thought you wanted him for you.
Nah.
Well, yeah.
My God, that boy is hot.
Sorry.
- I think I might be under a spell here.
- I hear ya.
- Now, you're sure you understand the plan? - I think I got it, yeah.
Hey! Ow! That, my friends, is the smell of sweet, sweet victory.
Also, burning cotton-poly blend.
Xander, be honest.
You didn't think about slipping thatjacket on just a little bit? I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.
This tool gets his jacket from his brother, who got it from their father, and we'll never know where he got it.
That bites.
Nah, welcome to the Hellmouth, where even outerwear isn't safe.
- I can't believe I almost - I can't believe I almost It was a spell.
You were helpless.
We're not responsible for anything we did morally or, you know, legally.
True.
You fell for a mystical, ancient curse.
Who hasn't made that mistake seven, eight times? You hear that? Not your fault.
I'm just so The way I acted.
The way I talked to you.
I feel so stupid.
All over a spell.
Get ready to feel even stupider when it's not.
Hey, Anya, you never told us what you can't believe you almost.
Almost Who, now? No, you can't be the only not-embarrassed one.
What did you do? I, uh wrote a poem.
An epic poem.
Comparing him to a daisy and a tower and a lake.
(radio) The latest on Sunnydale's late-night bandit who is still at large.
A masked thief held up a number OK, great.
Ice cream.
My treat.
Urgh! Argh!