Cake (2019) s01e03 Episode Script
Self-Care
1 (squeaking) (pops) (rumbling) (snoring) (squeaks) â(tranquil music) â(alarm clock blaring) (upbeat hipâhop music) (moans) (ethereal music) Hi, stranger.
It's been awhile.
I've missed you.
It's okay.
You can look at my butt.
(laughs) I feel like I can really be vulnerable around you.
Do you like this tree I made? Cool, right? I thought it was cool.
(inhales and exhales deeply) It's so hard to make things sometimes, you know? It just takes so much mental energy, and I get so tired.
I just wanna sit here and relax with you.
Wow, check out the sunset.
It's so nice to stop and take all this in.
It really makes you enjoy being alive.
Even you.
I love looking at you.
I want to remember all your shapes.
(pencil scratching) Ah.
Beautiful.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
I see you trying to do so many things at once, worrying about a decision you made or worried that you said the wrong thing to someone.
You're so hard on yourself.
But you're wonderful and worthy of being loved.
You really are.
You just have to let yourself believe it.
Well, I know you're really busy, and you probably have to go, but I'm glad I got to see you for a minute.
I love you.
(upbeat electronic music) (relaxed hipâhop music) Hello! Do you have a minute for climate change? I'm so sorry.
Are you interested in helping us protect the blue whales? Yes, I am, but I'm so sorry.
I'mââI'm so late.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Good morning.
What if I told you we really can fix our healthcare system? Oh, you know, that'd be great.
I'm so sorry, but I gotta go.
âUgh.
âHi, I'm Stacy.
Are you interested in the future? Yes, I am.
I'm sorry, but I'm late for work.
âI gotta go.
âOh, but we're just conducting âa focus groupââ âFine! Fine! I'll doââI'll do the damn focus group.
I'll do the damn future.
What is it? It's just about cookies thatcookies.
Cookies? (shaky voice) Um, if I had to use one word, I would say cinnamon.
Mm.
Mmâhmm.
Um, if I had to use two words, uhtoasted cinnamon.
Okay.
Okay, great.
All right, now let's see.
Um, Craig, if youââ Did you already eat all your cookies? Oh, sorry, boss.
I got ahead of myself.
I remember 'em pretty good, though.
So ask away.
Uh, well, the second cookie thatââthat you ate, couldââcould you describe that for me in one word? Oh, yeah, definitely.
One word? Umone wordawesome.
Uh, and if you had two words? Fucking awesome.
Great.
(door clanging) (indistinct chatter) Hey, uh, it's Jerome, right? What? Uh, yes, hi.
Let me ask you a question.
You seemed pretty miserable in there.
You're obviously not a cookie fan, and the way you're dressed, I can tell you don't need the 50 bucks.
I mean, not that it's any of my business, but what's going on with you? Okay, what's going on with me is that I'm an hour late for work, and I have no excuse.
And if my boss finds out thatââ I get it.
You weren't planning on being here today.
Yeah, yeah.
Um I see this kind of thing from time to time in the groups.
You're not alone.
Believe me, you're not alone.
I don't think that's the issueââ Ever been to a strip club? Umokay, yeah, once, but I thought it was a spa, and the bouncer didn't tell meââ I go all the time.
There's this one place in Queensboro Plaza.
Every time I go there, these girls are coming up, right? Asking if I want a lap dance.
"No, I don't want anything to do with you.
"Thank you very much.
I'm here and I'm queer.
Get used to it.
" I'm sorry, wait, why do youââwhyââ why do you go to the strip club? I told you, wings, the fucking wings.
Did you? I don't think you did.
This place has the best happy hour wings you ever tasted.
I mean, fucking awesome.
Anyway, I'm shooing these girls off one by one, but it's getting more and more difficult.
I'm feeling bad.
You know what I'm saying? Something inside me is falling apart.
(forced laugh) Finally, a dancer comes over, and I may be on my third or fourth bucket of wings at this point, by the way.
And she asks for a dance, and I don't have it in me to reject another person.
Next thing I know, I'm getting dry humped by some skank in the backroom, if you know what I'm saying.
I don't think I do know what you're saying.
I'm saying, until you learn how to say "no," your life is just a series of unwanted dry humps in the proverbial backroom.
(drumbeat) (exciting electronic music) Whee! (DJ laughs) (electronic music) (deep voice) Cake.
(upbeat electronic music) (keyboard clacking) (bright music) This one is for the ladies on the nine to five grind Corporate bullshit, nod and smile real wide Swallowing our deep pride, dying on the inside Open office seating, so defeating Got nowhere to hide Nowhere to hide, nowhere to hide Nowhere to hide Nowhere to hide Aside from the bathroom down the hall With the three stalls Gotta poop or cry Keep it quiet, it's got thin walls Suck it up and stand tall Lock it like a bank vault Never show emotion in the open or in midâfall Then when a work lurks up And a fat stack starts working up Like we gonna get a heart attack Freaking and we thinking That we never gonna finish that Breathe a minute.
Relax.
Say the magic words: you need to take a beat, and then you'll circle back.
(drumbeat) All the working bitches take a beat and circle back All the working bitches take a beat And circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat and circle back Run it up the flagpole, jamming fast and furious Disrupt, update, pick it up and run with it Loop me in, win, win Please advise, ASAP, move the needle Drill down, amplifying inbound All the bitches talking in the jargon Of that work trap Ha.
Hard fact: I'm all up on the free snacks.
â(wrapper rips) â(microwave door clicks) (microwave beeps) Apple, Nature Valley bar, M&M, and Tic Tacs Huffing caffeine like a fiend Drugging on crack, chugging LaCroix Like a frat with a 12âpack Sugar withdrawal make me crash and I delve back To the sad fact that I'm mad trapped But I could never quit, because I'm cashâstrapped Where'd you get that? Love the fabric, it's super soft.
Oh, my God, you like it, it's halfâoff At Ann Taylor LOFT All the working bitches get our getup At Ann Taylor LOFT All the working bitches take a beat and circle back All the working bitches take a beat And circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back Take a beat, take a beat â Take a âHey.
Can you sign this card real quick? Oh, yeah.
It's a card for Wendy, it's her birthday She still came in early, 'cause it's Thursday Later, we'll surprise her with a sheet cake Maybe that'll placate the sinking, empty feeling That she'll deal with when she works late ALL: Yay.
Time for a meeting, none of us are reading The same old PowerPoint Everybody's waiting for Dave up in this joint Been like 20 minutes of small talk to this point Should we loop in Carol in Miami? She might wanna listen in.
It's another 20 minutes till Carol gets dialed in Dave arrives, we begin (female voice) Carol, can you hear us? We lost Carol.
CAROL: Hey, I'm here, but everything is static.
I'm not hearing anybody clear.
Maybe we should get IT.
SINGER: No one hears her except Ben sitting near her.
(deep female voice) Maybe we should get IT.
DAVE (female voice): Smart idea, Ben.
Always thinking.
That's the problemâsolving attitude we all should be bringing.
Katie, can you ping IT? âBut I just saidââsure.
âDAVE (female voice): Great.
While we wait, I just wanna say let's have a group checkâin at the end of the day.
What the fuck, Dave? So we're sitting in a preâmeeting for another meeting? Are you insane? (laughs) I don't say that.
I smile and I nod And I nibble on the free snacks Time is a flat circle And my purpose is to circle back Circle back, circle back, circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back All the working bitches take a beat And circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat and circle back Finally, I'm home, safe from the bullshit Brain feel like dough, mushy from the work shit Knocking out my show, pinning on my Pinterest Braless, candlelit, bean dip, wine sip (phone buzzing) What the fuck is all this "Reply ASAP and include list "Looping in Luke when I get this "Take a little look and approve this Integrate, innovate, cultivate, Ideate, bandwidth Fuck this shit, I can't escape it (inhales sharply) Hold up.
Wait a minute.
When I feel that rage, take a page From my working bitches Relax, breathe a minute Stick 'em with that life hack Write those little magic words I need to take a beat and then I'll circle back.
â(hypnotic music) â Dollar bills Dollar bills WOMAN: Every single time they step into my apartment, I will never see them again.
I do not like a man in my apartment.
I do not.
I absolutely despise it.
They're like, "Oh, but I wanna see your room.
" Yeah, I'm always goingââ I'll go to their place.
If they don't have one, like âHotel.
âSorry.
âI mean, I'veââ âBack alley, if we're not going in.
I've let them come over, but I always know.
It's like once they step over the threshold, I'm like, "This is your last time.
" It's your sanctuary.
It's your safe place.
You don't need a dirty, dirty boy.
It is.
I do not like them seeingââ I don't like seeing them in this backdrop.
âMmâhmm.
âOf my apartment, the backdrop of my apartment with their, like, dick and balls just on my, like, pink throw.
Oh, wait.
Can you say that again? I gonna write that down for a painting.
WOMAN: Dick and balls on pink throw.
â(funky hipâhop music) âDOCTOR: Scalpel, please.
âWe got a bleeder.
â(monitor flatlining) (man whispering) Cake.
(scratches) Cake.
(funky hipâhop music) (upbeat pop music) (indistinct chatter) Tell me what you're thinking WOMAN: It's just me and my partner right now, but we really believe in the app, and we think it'll click with a lot of people.
No, it sounds like it'd totally work.
The thing is, we don't have much of a budget up front, but it could be a really great ground floor "sitch," and we could totally give you equity down the line.
Okay, well, that sounds really cool.
Just send me whatever details you have, and we can go from there.
That would be great.
Dan said you're really busy, so no pressure at all if, you know, you don't Okay, in that case, no, thank you, then.
Oh, uh, I was should I not send you the Yeah, no, please don't.
Look, you seem like a really cool person and that app actually might gain traction, really.
But, you know, I've just done a bunch of these favors for a bunch of different people, and I'm just trying to protect my free time.
I hope you understand.
Oh, my gosh, I understand completely.
Thank you for being upfront.
We've already been strung along by two other developers who seemed really interested and then just totally ghosted.
So, thanks.
So you're not mad at me? Oh, my God, no.
No.
She's like, "I need you to call the cops and find out whoever was driving that Maseratiââ" Hey.
Hey, Dan.
Hey.
Sorry.
Hey, Dan, um, I know you're the birthday boy, but I won't be able to clean like I did the last six times.
Mayââmaybe you can get some of the other guests to help you clean up so the apartment doesn't smell like stale beer all week.
Look, I'mââI'mââ I'm having a blast, and I'm not saying I'm going to bed right now.
I'mââI'm just saying no to being your maid.
Hmm.
That's unlike you.
But it's totally cool, man.
Thanks for planning the surprise.
âReally? âDAN: Jeff! Happy birthday, old man.
Hey, come meet my friend, Frankie.
âAll right.
âYeah.
(upbeat music) ALL: Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drinkââ No, thank you.
I have a big day on Monday.
Boo! Here, cheers.
Cheers.
(satisfied sigh) No.
ALL: Go, Stacy, it's your birthday.
Go, Stacy.
No.
âMAN: Fresh ink, bro? âJEROME: Uh, no.
Uh(laughs) Um, no.
Hey, Jerome, couple of us are going to a bar, if you wanna come.
âNo, Jeff.
âOkay.
No, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no.
Noooo! Noooo! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Nooooâahh! No! Nooooo! (snoring) (electronic music) (man whispering) Cake.
(birds chirping) (funky hipâhop music) (man whispering) Cake.
Now, Kristoff, we've been in therapy for over six months, and you haven't taken a single thing seriously, have you? No.
So what we're gonna do now is an exercise where you have no choice but to be serious.
It's called free association.
Oh, yeah? I'll say a word and then all you have to do is say the first thing that comes into your head, okay? âYep.
âYou have to take it seriously for it to work.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Politics.
"Shmolitics.
" âFamily.
â"Shmamily.
" âFeminine.
â"Sheminine.
" âKristoff.
âWhat? Do it properly.
I am.
âViolence.
â"Shmiolence.
" âAccident.
â"Shmaccident.
" âArgument.
â"Shmargument.
" âBeef and black bean.
âShmeef and smash mean.
All right.
Uh"schmoltz.
" Gotcha.
Yeah.
(gunshot cracks) (snoring) (groans) All right, buddy.
Up, you get.
It's 2:30.
âDan? âHey.
Am I dead? Come on, you can't lay around on the floor all day.
(groans) So what happened last night? DAN: Wait, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast.
Here.
Have a sip of this.
You're gonna wanna move pretty slow.
(chuckles softly) You really hit it with a big stick last night.
No, I don't remember having anything to drink last night.
Oh, no, you didn't have a drop.
You were drunk on "no," my friend.
Drunk on You went into a deep "no" hole and saying "no" to anything and everything.
I was? Yeah, you were screaming, "No this, not that.
" Marie and Brenda thought you were the most negative person they've ever met.
But I told 'em you're not usually like this.
Anyway, we went down to the bar for a drink afterwards, and not surprisingly, you said "no.
" No, I don't remember any of this.
Yeah, well, it's a shame, because you wouldn't believe who we saw there.
Who? Oh, never mind.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Oh, who was it? âDAN: Oh, I'm sorry.
âNo.
âSometimes I just say stuff.
âJEROME: Come on, Dan.
Who was it? Okay, okay.
So, we walk in.
This way.
âDiagonal.
âDiagonal, really.
I mean, it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
DAN: As I was ordering drinks, I look over the other end of the bar, and I see this big, fiery mane of red hair.
(upbeat music) I mean, it was glowing like the sun.
And like the sun, I couldn't help but look.
Anyway, she must have felt me staring, 'cause then she turned to face us.
And as soon as I saw the glasses, I knew.
Tori.
That's right.
ToriâfuckingâAmos in Brooklyn on my birthday.
Next thing I know, we get the corner booth, and she's buying drinks for the whole gang and cracking jokes, telling us stories about her 30âplus years in the biz.
Then she proceeded to let each and every one of us cry in her bosom for ten minutes.
You cried on her bosom? Ten minutes.
Why didn't you tell me? I did, we all did repeatedly.
DAN: Anyway I kept the napkin for you.
(soulful music) (Kali Uchis' "Feel Like a Fool") It's no fun to feel like a fool When you learn your baby don't belong to you No fun to feel like a fool Fool It's no fun to feel like a fool They'll do you like that â(bright music) âCHORUS: Yes
It's been awhile.
I've missed you.
It's okay.
You can look at my butt.
(laughs) I feel like I can really be vulnerable around you.
Do you like this tree I made? Cool, right? I thought it was cool.
(inhales and exhales deeply) It's so hard to make things sometimes, you know? It just takes so much mental energy, and I get so tired.
I just wanna sit here and relax with you.
Wow, check out the sunset.
It's so nice to stop and take all this in.
It really makes you enjoy being alive.
Even you.
I love looking at you.
I want to remember all your shapes.
(pencil scratching) Ah.
Beautiful.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
I see you trying to do so many things at once, worrying about a decision you made or worried that you said the wrong thing to someone.
You're so hard on yourself.
But you're wonderful and worthy of being loved.
You really are.
You just have to let yourself believe it.
Well, I know you're really busy, and you probably have to go, but I'm glad I got to see you for a minute.
I love you.
(upbeat electronic music) (relaxed hipâhop music) Hello! Do you have a minute for climate change? I'm so sorry.
Are you interested in helping us protect the blue whales? Yes, I am, but I'm so sorry.
I'mââI'm so late.
I'm sorry.
Hi.
Good morning.
What if I told you we really can fix our healthcare system? Oh, you know, that'd be great.
I'm so sorry, but I gotta go.
âUgh.
âHi, I'm Stacy.
Are you interested in the future? Yes, I am.
I'm sorry, but I'm late for work.
âI gotta go.
âOh, but we're just conducting âa focus groupââ âFine! Fine! I'll doââI'll do the damn focus group.
I'll do the damn future.
What is it? It's just about cookies thatcookies.
Cookies? (shaky voice) Um, if I had to use one word, I would say cinnamon.
Mm.
Mmâhmm.
Um, if I had to use two words, uhtoasted cinnamon.
Okay.
Okay, great.
All right, now let's see.
Um, Craig, if youââ Did you already eat all your cookies? Oh, sorry, boss.
I got ahead of myself.
I remember 'em pretty good, though.
So ask away.
Uh, well, the second cookie thatââthat you ate, couldââcould you describe that for me in one word? Oh, yeah, definitely.
One word? Umone wordawesome.
Uh, and if you had two words? Fucking awesome.
Great.
(door clanging) (indistinct chatter) Hey, uh, it's Jerome, right? What? Uh, yes, hi.
Let me ask you a question.
You seemed pretty miserable in there.
You're obviously not a cookie fan, and the way you're dressed, I can tell you don't need the 50 bucks.
I mean, not that it's any of my business, but what's going on with you? Okay, what's going on with me is that I'm an hour late for work, and I have no excuse.
And if my boss finds out thatââ I get it.
You weren't planning on being here today.
Yeah, yeah.
Um I see this kind of thing from time to time in the groups.
You're not alone.
Believe me, you're not alone.
I don't think that's the issueââ Ever been to a strip club? Umokay, yeah, once, but I thought it was a spa, and the bouncer didn't tell meââ I go all the time.
There's this one place in Queensboro Plaza.
Every time I go there, these girls are coming up, right? Asking if I want a lap dance.
"No, I don't want anything to do with you.
"Thank you very much.
I'm here and I'm queer.
Get used to it.
" I'm sorry, wait, why do youââwhyââ why do you go to the strip club? I told you, wings, the fucking wings.
Did you? I don't think you did.
This place has the best happy hour wings you ever tasted.
I mean, fucking awesome.
Anyway, I'm shooing these girls off one by one, but it's getting more and more difficult.
I'm feeling bad.
You know what I'm saying? Something inside me is falling apart.
(forced laugh) Finally, a dancer comes over, and I may be on my third or fourth bucket of wings at this point, by the way.
And she asks for a dance, and I don't have it in me to reject another person.
Next thing I know, I'm getting dry humped by some skank in the backroom, if you know what I'm saying.
I don't think I do know what you're saying.
I'm saying, until you learn how to say "no," your life is just a series of unwanted dry humps in the proverbial backroom.
(drumbeat) (exciting electronic music) Whee! (DJ laughs) (electronic music) (deep voice) Cake.
(upbeat electronic music) (keyboard clacking) (bright music) This one is for the ladies on the nine to five grind Corporate bullshit, nod and smile real wide Swallowing our deep pride, dying on the inside Open office seating, so defeating Got nowhere to hide Nowhere to hide, nowhere to hide Nowhere to hide Nowhere to hide Aside from the bathroom down the hall With the three stalls Gotta poop or cry Keep it quiet, it's got thin walls Suck it up and stand tall Lock it like a bank vault Never show emotion in the open or in midâfall Then when a work lurks up And a fat stack starts working up Like we gonna get a heart attack Freaking and we thinking That we never gonna finish that Breathe a minute.
Relax.
Say the magic words: you need to take a beat, and then you'll circle back.
(drumbeat) All the working bitches take a beat and circle back All the working bitches take a beat And circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat and circle back Run it up the flagpole, jamming fast and furious Disrupt, update, pick it up and run with it Loop me in, win, win Please advise, ASAP, move the needle Drill down, amplifying inbound All the bitches talking in the jargon Of that work trap Ha.
Hard fact: I'm all up on the free snacks.
â(wrapper rips) â(microwave door clicks) (microwave beeps) Apple, Nature Valley bar, M&M, and Tic Tacs Huffing caffeine like a fiend Drugging on crack, chugging LaCroix Like a frat with a 12âpack Sugar withdrawal make me crash and I delve back To the sad fact that I'm mad trapped But I could never quit, because I'm cashâstrapped Where'd you get that? Love the fabric, it's super soft.
Oh, my God, you like it, it's halfâoff At Ann Taylor LOFT All the working bitches get our getup At Ann Taylor LOFT All the working bitches take a beat and circle back All the working bitches take a beat And circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back Take a beat, take a beat â Take a âHey.
Can you sign this card real quick? Oh, yeah.
It's a card for Wendy, it's her birthday She still came in early, 'cause it's Thursday Later, we'll surprise her with a sheet cake Maybe that'll placate the sinking, empty feeling That she'll deal with when she works late ALL: Yay.
Time for a meeting, none of us are reading The same old PowerPoint Everybody's waiting for Dave up in this joint Been like 20 minutes of small talk to this point Should we loop in Carol in Miami? She might wanna listen in.
It's another 20 minutes till Carol gets dialed in Dave arrives, we begin (female voice) Carol, can you hear us? We lost Carol.
CAROL: Hey, I'm here, but everything is static.
I'm not hearing anybody clear.
Maybe we should get IT.
SINGER: No one hears her except Ben sitting near her.
(deep female voice) Maybe we should get IT.
DAVE (female voice): Smart idea, Ben.
Always thinking.
That's the problemâsolving attitude we all should be bringing.
Katie, can you ping IT? âBut I just saidââsure.
âDAVE (female voice): Great.
While we wait, I just wanna say let's have a group checkâin at the end of the day.
What the fuck, Dave? So we're sitting in a preâmeeting for another meeting? Are you insane? (laughs) I don't say that.
I smile and I nod And I nibble on the free snacks Time is a flat circle And my purpose is to circle back Circle back, circle back, circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back All the working bitches take a beat And circle back All the working bitches take a beat and circle back Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat, take a beat Take a beat and circle back Finally, I'm home, safe from the bullshit Brain feel like dough, mushy from the work shit Knocking out my show, pinning on my Pinterest Braless, candlelit, bean dip, wine sip (phone buzzing) What the fuck is all this "Reply ASAP and include list "Looping in Luke when I get this "Take a little look and approve this Integrate, innovate, cultivate, Ideate, bandwidth Fuck this shit, I can't escape it (inhales sharply) Hold up.
Wait a minute.
When I feel that rage, take a page From my working bitches Relax, breathe a minute Stick 'em with that life hack Write those little magic words I need to take a beat and then I'll circle back.
â(hypnotic music) â Dollar bills Dollar bills WOMAN: Every single time they step into my apartment, I will never see them again.
I do not like a man in my apartment.
I do not.
I absolutely despise it.
They're like, "Oh, but I wanna see your room.
" Yeah, I'm always goingââ I'll go to their place.
If they don't have one, like âHotel.
âSorry.
âI mean, I'veââ âBack alley, if we're not going in.
I've let them come over, but I always know.
It's like once they step over the threshold, I'm like, "This is your last time.
" It's your sanctuary.
It's your safe place.
You don't need a dirty, dirty boy.
It is.
I do not like them seeingââ I don't like seeing them in this backdrop.
âMmâhmm.
âOf my apartment, the backdrop of my apartment with their, like, dick and balls just on my, like, pink throw.
Oh, wait.
Can you say that again? I gonna write that down for a painting.
WOMAN: Dick and balls on pink throw.
â(funky hipâhop music) âDOCTOR: Scalpel, please.
âWe got a bleeder.
â(monitor flatlining) (man whispering) Cake.
(scratches) Cake.
(funky hipâhop music) (upbeat pop music) (indistinct chatter) Tell me what you're thinking WOMAN: It's just me and my partner right now, but we really believe in the app, and we think it'll click with a lot of people.
No, it sounds like it'd totally work.
The thing is, we don't have much of a budget up front, but it could be a really great ground floor "sitch," and we could totally give you equity down the line.
Okay, well, that sounds really cool.
Just send me whatever details you have, and we can go from there.
That would be great.
Dan said you're really busy, so no pressure at all if, you know, you don't Okay, in that case, no, thank you, then.
Oh, uh, I was should I not send you the Yeah, no, please don't.
Look, you seem like a really cool person and that app actually might gain traction, really.
But, you know, I've just done a bunch of these favors for a bunch of different people, and I'm just trying to protect my free time.
I hope you understand.
Oh, my gosh, I understand completely.
Thank you for being upfront.
We've already been strung along by two other developers who seemed really interested and then just totally ghosted.
So, thanks.
So you're not mad at me? Oh, my God, no.
No.
She's like, "I need you to call the cops and find out whoever was driving that Maseratiââ" Hey.
Hey, Dan.
Hey.
Sorry.
Hey, Dan, um, I know you're the birthday boy, but I won't be able to clean like I did the last six times.
Mayââmaybe you can get some of the other guests to help you clean up so the apartment doesn't smell like stale beer all week.
Look, I'mââI'mââ I'm having a blast, and I'm not saying I'm going to bed right now.
I'mââI'm just saying no to being your maid.
Hmm.
That's unlike you.
But it's totally cool, man.
Thanks for planning the surprise.
âReally? âDAN: Jeff! Happy birthday, old man.
Hey, come meet my friend, Frankie.
âAll right.
âYeah.
(upbeat music) ALL: Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drinkââ No, thank you.
I have a big day on Monday.
Boo! Here, cheers.
Cheers.
(satisfied sigh) No.
ALL: Go, Stacy, it's your birthday.
Go, Stacy.
No.
âMAN: Fresh ink, bro? âJEROME: Uh, no.
Uh(laughs) Um, no.
Hey, Jerome, couple of us are going to a bar, if you wanna come.
âNo, Jeff.
âOkay.
No, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no.
Noooo! Noooo! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Nooooâahh! No! Nooooo! (snoring) (electronic music) (man whispering) Cake.
(birds chirping) (funky hipâhop music) (man whispering) Cake.
Now, Kristoff, we've been in therapy for over six months, and you haven't taken a single thing seriously, have you? No.
So what we're gonna do now is an exercise where you have no choice but to be serious.
It's called free association.
Oh, yeah? I'll say a word and then all you have to do is say the first thing that comes into your head, okay? âYep.
âYou have to take it seriously for it to work.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Politics.
"Shmolitics.
" âFamily.
â"Shmamily.
" âFeminine.
â"Sheminine.
" âKristoff.
âWhat? Do it properly.
I am.
âViolence.
â"Shmiolence.
" âAccident.
â"Shmaccident.
" âArgument.
â"Shmargument.
" âBeef and black bean.
âShmeef and smash mean.
All right.
Uh"schmoltz.
" Gotcha.
Yeah.
(gunshot cracks) (snoring) (groans) All right, buddy.
Up, you get.
It's 2:30.
âDan? âHey.
Am I dead? Come on, you can't lay around on the floor all day.
(groans) So what happened last night? DAN: Wait, whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast.
Here.
Have a sip of this.
You're gonna wanna move pretty slow.
(chuckles softly) You really hit it with a big stick last night.
No, I don't remember having anything to drink last night.
Oh, no, you didn't have a drop.
You were drunk on "no," my friend.
Drunk on You went into a deep "no" hole and saying "no" to anything and everything.
I was? Yeah, you were screaming, "No this, not that.
" Marie and Brenda thought you were the most negative person they've ever met.
But I told 'em you're not usually like this.
Anyway, we went down to the bar for a drink afterwards, and not surprisingly, you said "no.
" No, I don't remember any of this.
Yeah, well, it's a shame, because you wouldn't believe who we saw there.
Who? Oh, never mind.
I shouldn't have said anything.
Oh, who was it? âDAN: Oh, I'm sorry.
âNo.
âSometimes I just say stuff.
âJEROME: Come on, Dan.
Who was it? Okay, okay.
So, we walk in.
This way.
âDiagonal.
âDiagonal, really.
I mean, it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
DAN: As I was ordering drinks, I look over the other end of the bar, and I see this big, fiery mane of red hair.
(upbeat music) I mean, it was glowing like the sun.
And like the sun, I couldn't help but look.
Anyway, she must have felt me staring, 'cause then she turned to face us.
And as soon as I saw the glasses, I knew.
Tori.
That's right.
ToriâfuckingâAmos in Brooklyn on my birthday.
Next thing I know, we get the corner booth, and she's buying drinks for the whole gang and cracking jokes, telling us stories about her 30âplus years in the biz.
Then she proceeded to let each and every one of us cry in her bosom for ten minutes.
You cried on her bosom? Ten minutes.
Why didn't you tell me? I did, we all did repeatedly.
DAN: Anyway I kept the napkin for you.
(soulful music) (Kali Uchis' "Feel Like a Fool") It's no fun to feel like a fool When you learn your baby don't belong to you No fun to feel like a fool Fool It's no fun to feel like a fool They'll do you like that â(bright music) âCHORUS: Yes