Call Me Kat (2021) s01e01 Episode Script

1 Oh.
You're early.
Or I'm late.
(LAUGHS) Either way, hello.
I'm glad you're here.
Let me, uh, get you caught up to speed.
Earlier in the week, my mother came to me in a panic.
Katharine?! Mom, you scared the tea out of me.
Tara's renewing her vows.
I wanted to make sure you're okay.
Why wouldn't I be okay? Because your best friend's getting two weddings, and you've never had one.
(WHISPERING): And you're 39.
(WHISPERING): Why are we whispering? Oh.
(LAUGHS) Thought I had more time.
My mother's been extra worried about my single status since my father died, which was super hard on both of us.
- (CRYING) - (CRYING): I want to go to sleep and never wake up.
I think I want to open a cat café.
So, I did.
I quit my unfulfilling job as a math professor, and I opened Kat's Cat Café, where I have two great employees who are super helpful.
Whoever thinks of a good name for our new cat - gets an extra paid sick day.
- (BOTH GASP) Oh! Uh, how about "Pudding," 'cause I could just eat him with a spoon? How about "Firework," 'cause it looks like one exploded in his ass? - Ooh! I like that.
- That's pretty good.
Yeah? I think he's purr-fect.
Now on with our show.
Mmm.
This is so good, Phil.
What am I eating? Well, my mama used to make it for us kids on the holidays.
We thought the burnt coconut looked like hair, so we called it "Mama's Hairy Pie.
" Put it on the menu, but let's change the name.
Hey, Kat, this came for you.
Mm! This is the invitation to my friend Tara's renewal-of-vows ceremony.
Wait.
My RSVP card says "Ms.
Katharine Edith Silver and," and then there's this line.
Does that mean I get a plus-one? - Looks like it.
- (GASPS) This is so exciting! I never get a plus-one.
They're withheld from single people like a public shaming.
Since you're not dating anybody, you should just go alone and have fun flirting with all the single men at the party.
That's one of my favorite games.
I call it "Catch and Release.
" Well, you obviously don't live with social anxiety like I do.
Did I tell you a guy got into my car yesterday, thinking it was an Uber? I didn't want to make him feel bad, so I just drove him all the way to the airport.
Ooh, it says the reception will be held in the Crystal Ballroom at The Brown Hotel.
Ooh, The Brown is the most iconic hotel in Louisville.
Elizabeth Taylor lost an emerald out of her peacock broach there one time.
- Phil, are you okay? - I'm No, I I'm sorry.
It's just that Marty's work party was supposed to be there, and I was so excited about dancing at the Crystal Ballroom.
But then he came home and said he'd met that young buck at Big Lots! Who sold him a broom and swept him off his feet.
I'm so sorry, Phil.
It's my own fault.
I asked him to buy the broom.
I hate seeing people sad.
They look like wounded baby birds.
I just want to tape a little Popsicle stick to that broken wing.
Here I go.
- Phil? - Huh? Would you do me the honor of being my plus-one? Get out of town.
Are you kidding me, Kat? Nope.
Not kidding.
And we'll have a lot more fun than you would've had at a stupid work party 'cause this is a stupid renewing-their-vows ceremony.
- Plus, you'll be with me.
- Oh, thank you, Kat.
Can I call my mama and tell her I'm going to the Crystal Ballroom? - Of course.
- (LAUGHING): Oh! Hey, Mama, guess what.
Gosh, I wonder what it's like to be excited to call your mom.
One root beer, please.
I'll be with you in a minute, sir.
Not the first time that's happened.
Due to my low, resonant voice, I often get mistaken for a man on the phone.
And once on video chat.
Oh, I am so sorr Kat? Max? - (LAUGHS) - No way! Hot Max? Oh.
That was meant for you.
So, how are you? What are you doing with your life? I just got back into town, and Carter gave me a job so I'd have an answer to questions like that.
Hey, do not let her behind the bar.
She likes to play with the soda gun.
(LAUGHS) I wasn't playing with it.
I was inventing a new drink.
I don't go to your café and invent new cats.
You know what list you're on.
It's not a good list.
So what's going on with you? Oh, I'm, uh I'm meeting Tara here to discuss her wedding.
Her second wedding to her first husband.
I think she might be a wedding hoarder.
So, are you married? Yeah.
Yes, of course.
Oh, cool.
You have kids? Yeah, I got two of those rascals.
There's Orlando and, uh, Bloom.
This is what I was talking about.
(WHISPERING): This is social anxiety.
What about you? - No, not married.
- Yeah, me neither.
You just said you were.
Divorced now.
No kids.
What happened to the kids? (LAUGHING): Well, that's a funny story, Max.
Not funny "Ha, ha.
" Funny in that it is almost unbelievable.
- Oh.
- We were, um, on vacation in the Himalayas, and they were just running around in shorts and T-shirts.
And I kept saying, "You're gonna freeze to death.
" And they did.
Fake kids at that age.
I lobbed it, and he hit it right back.
I am unmarried, and I live alone above my cat café, which is a a lot sexier than it sounds.
Yeah, it's really good to see you, Kat.
Oh, will you excuse me for a sec? (DOOR OPENS) KAT: Mm.
Tara, Tara, Tara, Tara, guess what? Look, we can keep arguing, or you can just agree with me.
Wise choice.
Okay, I'll call you later.
Hey, Kitty Kats.
So sorry.
What were you saying? Max is back, and he's here! Ooh! It's Max from college! (LAUGHS) Hey, wait.
Didn't you have a crush on him? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Of course I did.
Everyone did, 'cause well, look at him.
Well, fun! Anyway, Katnip, I got your RSVP, and I am so excited you're bringing someone.
So, fill me in on this Phil Crumpler who must be filling you in.
She can be disgusting.
Phil's my new baker.
And a friend.
We just started a culinary arts club.
It'll keep his little stem warm.
Oh.
Listen, if Phil's just a friend, you can't bring him.
The Brown Hotel is very expensive, and we didn't really budget for extra guests.
But if I were to go on say, GettingLuckyinKentucky.
com, and randomly invited someone to be my date to your event, you'd be fine paying for their meal? Oh, no, no, no, no.
Plus-one's are someone - you've been dating for a while.
- Well, for how long? Well, you know, when you're at that point in a relationship where instead of saying, "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?," you say, "Hey, what are we doing this weekend?" Yeah, that point in your relationship where you stop calling her by her first name and starting call her "Boo-Boo.
" - Exactamundo.
- Oh.
When is that? I mean, I feel like that must be different for everybody.
- Four months.
- Four months.
Thank you so much, Carter.
You're welcome so much, Kat.
Well, maybe there could be a little wiggle room about who I bring considering this is a renewal-of-vows ceremony.
It's not an actual wedding.
Oh, Kat, you know that I've been planning my wedding since I was eight years old, and then it actually rained on my wedding day, so then I started planning my renewing-my-vows ceremony on my honeymoon.
I just want this to be perfect.
Okay, I will come alone.
Thanks for understanding, Katnip.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Okay.
Now, onto more important things.
What are you gonna wear? Please tell me you're not gonna wear the green pantsuit.
I got this pantsuit seven years ago, and I've worn it to every fancy event since, and that includes National Donut Day, as in "Do-not forget my pantsuit.
" Boom! I've just never been obsessed with fashion.
And I don't appreciate those shows where "fashion experts" accost people on the street and tell them how hideous they look.
If I had one of those shows, I'd call it Wear What You Want! Excuse me, ma'am.
Excuse me.
Do you like what you're wearing? - Yeah.
- Are you comfortable? Yeah.
Do you care that other people might not like it? - No.
- Great.
Wear what you want! Seriously, this pantsuit is so comfortable, and it is so stretchy, I can do this.
And even this.
Whoa! Geez.
I am so sorry! Oh.
Phil, I have to talk to you.
I am really sorry Wait.
I need to show you something.
(CHUCKLES) For your friend's ceremony.
I saw it winking at me in women's petites, and needless to say, I winked back.
Well, be careful, Phil.
You might make that Crystal Ballroom jealous.
Oh, for the first time in a long while, I feel like my old self, Kat, and all that is thanks to you.
So, what'd you need to tell me? Uh I forget.
But you look great.
- Oh, well, thank you.
- Yeah.
Don't look at me like that.
I'll think of something.
(GASPS) I thought of something.
Well, you caught me off guard today, Tara, but I do need to tell you that Phil Crumpler and I actually are a couple, and we've been keeping it on the Down Low, 'cause, you know, he is quite a bit older than me.
Uh, yeah, well, it's, uh, been about five months.
(WHISPERING): Four months seemed too on the nose.
Go and do the two-step, then cowboy boogie Grab your sweetheart and spin out with 'em Do the hoedown and get into it It's simple, you can do it Slide to the left, slide to the right Now cool down, have a good time 'Round, 'round, 'round and 'round you go It's time to show out right now and take to the floor Go and do the two-step and Oh.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Katharine, why is Phil here? Hmm.
I brought him.
As my plus-one, because, you know, he's my boyfriend.
He's your what? My boyfriend.
You know how when you have a friend who's a girl and you're really close, you call her your girlfriend? Well, Phil and I have gotten really close, so I call him my boyfriend.
So, if anybody asks, you can just say, "Yup, there's Kat and her boyfriend.
" Ooh, I need a drink.
Do you want one girlfriend? I think you've had too much.
No.
No, that's quite enough.
- You can't handle it.
- Give it to me.
- I don't think you should - Mom, stop.
(GASPS) My pantsuit! MAX: Kat? Max? (MOUTHING) What are you doing here? When Cole heard I was back in town, he invited me.
I don't know if you remember, but Cole and I used to play ball together.
Yeah, I remember you two playing with your balls.
Oh, and now I'd like to buy that sentence back with an invisible dollar, sir.
And I will take that invisible dollar - and put it in my pocket.
- (CHUCKLES) Speaking of remembering I remember you were only supposed to teach English overseas for a year, and that was, like, ten years ago.
That is true.
And then, I started doing some traveling, and (BRITISH ACCENT): Did you go to Narnia? What? Why? Was ? Close.
I met a girl in Paris.
(FRENCH ACCENT): I am sorry I took so long, Mon Lapin.
There was a little woman handing out towels to dry our hands in the toilette.
So I had her take a series of photos of me applying my lipstick for my blog.
(ECHOING): Hello.
MAX: So we're taking some time apart.
I'm sorry.
What? Brigitte and I broke up.
So, came home for a while to clear my head.
And my arteries.
They dip cheese in cheese there.
I thought I invented that.
- Oh.
- Hi, Max.
- Hey.
- Cole's looking for you.
Hi! Hey, Kitty Kats.
I see you hanging out with Max instead of your boyfriend.
Well, that's because Because Phil's not your boyfriend.
(LAUGHS) Yes, he is.
I mean, didn't you see us out on the dance floor? Do you know why we're that good? Sexual chemistry.
I can't believe you'd lie to me, Kat.
- We grew up together.
- (SIGHS) (QUIETLY): We played doctor together.
Yes, which is why I know your heart.
And even though your mouth said, "You can't bring a friend to this wedding," what I heard your heart say was, "Sure, you can bring a friend! I'm chill.
" I had our initials engraved in the butter pats.
Does that sound chill to you? Fine.
You know what? How about I write you a check for Phil's salmon? He didn't finish it, by the way.
It was fishy.
(GASPS) You know what? I don't want to make a scene here.
So, you win, Kat.
You win.
(SCOFFS) She rents this hall, she wears a big white stupid dress, she invites 200 people, but she doesn't want to make a scene? Okay.
Oh.
(GASPS) My pantsuit! Again?! This is all my fault.
No, it's Tara's fault for being so controlling and not cutting me a little slack.
Right after her C-section, when she wasn't allowed to have food yet, who did she ask to sneak her in a whole rotisserie chicken? - You? - Me.
And I did it, right under my shirt.
It burned me a little.
But if I hadn't been such a complainer about Marty not taking me to his work party, you wouldn't have felt like you had to bring me.
I didn't feel like I had to.
I felt like I deserved the same opportunity as other guests to bring a plus-one.
I wanted a designated dance partner.
I wanted to bring someone I could gossip with about how much everybody drank and who's freezing the fat off their ass and injecting it into their face.
- That woman Lisa! - Thank you.
Whew! I went to Tara's first wedding alone.
My dance choices were a priest or a grabby little eight-year-old named Dustin.
It's hard being single, isn't it? It can be.
But here's the thing.
I love my life.
I love my job.
I love my friends.
But, yeah, there are times when doing things alone can be a little lonely.
I get that.
When Marty first left, I thought, "Well, at least the house stays clean.
" But it was so quiet.
Too quiet.
When I came into your café that day, you said, "Welcome! I like your shirt.
" - (CHUCKLES) - And I said, "Thank you.
" I remember that because you were the first person I had talked to in two weeks.
I'm glad you came in that day.
Me, too.
I don't think you should be too upset with Tara.
She got three kids.
And her husband's one of them loud talkers.
I bet she'd love to switch places with you and be alone for a while.
When I sprained both my wrists trying to do parkour, - she did brush my teeth for me.
- (PHIL CHUCKLES) Where you going? I'm gonna go apologize to Tara before she leaves for her second honeymoon.
Oh.
(MUTTERS) I am just so glad that you two made up.
Well, it helped that when I ran into the street to chase her down, I got clipped by her Just-Married-Again limo.
- It put her in a very forgiving mood.
- (CHUCKLES) (PHONE RINGS) Oh, it's my mama.
Can I take a break? Go for it.
Hi, Mama.
Phil has been waiting for his mama to get out of Bible study so he can tell her all about his night at The Brown Hotel.
I've never seen him so happy.
Good on you, Kat.
Thanks, Randi.
But you don't need to call me a hero.
I'm not a hero.
Yeah, I didn't say that.
But just to catch you up on what I've been dealing with.
Purr-tricia has organized a small kitty gang, and they keep trapping Firework in the cat basket.
And, hey, look at the time.
That is no longer my problem.
I will take Firework upstairs until Purr-tricia's new owners pick her up tomorrow.
It never ceases to amaze me how the mean girls get picked first.
Yes, they do.
I know.
- (MEOWS) - Yeah, I know.
You did the right thing.
You turned the other cheek.
(MEWING) Hello, Katharine.
Oh.
(MUTTERS) Geez, Mom.
You scared the cat out of me.
What were you thinking, calling that man your boyfriend? You're too young to be so eccentric.
What can I say? I wanted to take Phil so I took Phil.
I had friends there.
Ladies from the Junior League, girls from the pageant circuit.
(GASPS) Not the girls from the pageant circuit.
Did Miss Muhlenberg County take notice? She certainly did.
Even with a glass eye, she could tell something was amiss.
Look, I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends.
I'm not that sorry, but I'll throw her a bone on that one.
There is no road map of how I should live my life as a 39-year-old single woman, Mom.
So I'm just gonna have to make it up as I go along.
And as you have witnessed, it's gonna be kind of messy.
But also kind of awesome, 'cause did you see me and Phil out there line dancing? I mean, we were by far the best ones.
Oh, honey, I'm just worried that you're not trying to meet someone.
I mean, aren't you afraid of becoming a sad cat lady? Not a chance.
- I'm gonna be a rad cat lady.
- (MEWS) And now, Mom, now that I've answered your questions, I have a question for you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? Drifting through the wind? Wanting to start again? What the hell are you talking about? You just got to ignite the light And let it shine Just own the night Like the Fourth of July - (DOOR OPENS) - Baby, you're a firework Come on, show 'em what you're worth Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!" As you shoot across the sky-y-y MAN: Shut up! (QUIETLY): Baby, you're a firework Come on, let your colors burst Make 'em go, "Oh, oh, oh" Oh.
(LAUGHS) I thought I had locked that.
Nope, it's open.
Do you want me to lock it? - Yeah.
Would you? - Sure.
Oh.
Do you want me on the inside or the outside of it? - (DOOR CLOSES) - What do you think? Inside.
Cool.
I was just leaving the bar and I saw your light on and I thought maybe you'd want to grab some dinner.
Just to catch up.
Just two old friends catching up.
Yeah, I want to grab dinner.
I want to grab it by the meatballs.
(LAUGHS) Oh! What am I saying, Max? I'm not sure.
Let me just go upstairs and change into something nicer.
Why? 'Cause I just threw this on for work.
Are you comfortable? Do you care what other people think of you? Then let's go.
Let's go.
- (QUIETLY): What? - Oh, we could - Oh! - Oh! - Oh, I am so sorry.
- (GROANING) Yeah, I might be bleeding.
(KAT GROANS NERVOUSLY) Um, I think you should sit on the couch.
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) - I was excited.
Bring me ice? Yeah.
Put your feet up.
Put your legs up.
Yeah.
- (CHATTER CONTINUES) - Seems like the right thing to Oh, okay, yeah, we're good.
Thank you.
We're good.
Yeah, au revoir, au revoir.
Yeah.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER CONTINUES)