Call Me Kat (2021) s02e04 Episode Script

Call Me Forty

1 Oh, my goodness! You've put googly eyes on everything! Except in the bathroom.
No one needs that kind of pressure.
(LAUGHS) I have so many new friends to meet.
And allow me to be the first person to officially wish you a happy 40th birthday.
(LAUGHS): Oh Officially! Yeah, yeah.
Wouldn't want any, uh, unauthorized "happy birthdays.
" No, wouldn't want the birthday police knocking down the door and shoving a bunch of cake in your face.
- What are you looking for? - Nothing.
- Are you looking for a birthday surprise? - No.
'Cause you said no surprises.
You're right, I did.
Why would I say that? More importantly, why would he listen? Okay, off to work.
Have a great day, birthday girl.
Yeah, you, too.
See you tonight.
Okay, if y'all know anything, now's the time to tell me.
What's happening? I'm - Comin' up, so you - Get out of here.
Better get this party started No way.
I love streamers! - I'm - Oh, my God! - Comin' up - What?! (KAT LAUGHING) So you better get this party started - Get this party started - (SCREAMING) On a Saturday night (WHOOPING) Everybody's waiting Were you hiding in my apartment all morning? Yes! You need to clean your bathtub.
(LAUGHS) Surprise! (WHOOPING) - You didn't listen.
- Hell no! - Thank you! - I can go for miles If you know what I mean I'm Comin' up So you better get this party started (WHOOPING, LAUGHTER) This is the best birthday ever! Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me Nothin' wrong with you but I'd rather be me.
Kentucky Kingdom was really fun, but I am exhausted.
My feet are screaming, and, let's face it, twirly rides are a young girl's game.
It might have been the funnel cake you ate before the ride and the funnel cake you ate during the ride.
Hey, I only ate half of that.
The rest of it flew out of my hand.
(LAUGHS): Yeah.
That kid behind us was pissed.
Oh Sometimes sitting down is better than sex.
It's been a long day.
Not gonna take that personally.
(GROANS) But you're right.
This couch might be the best ride I've been on all day.
(CHUCKLES) (PHONE BLIPS) My mom's back from Australia, and she wants to have dinner with us.
Meet your mom? Isn't it a little soon for that? I met yours a week after we started dating.
That's only because I held her off for six days.
Come on, she's gonna love you.
I don't know.
I've got a rough track record when it comes to meeting people's parents.
It can't be that bad.
Mom? Dad? This is Kat.
(CHUCKLES): Hello.
I brought you a gift.
And that was one of the better ones.
That didn't really happen, did it? (CHUCKLES) You don't forget your first restraining order.
Your first? Hey, Erica.
You left your sweatshirt at my house last night.
Ooh-hoo, my man! Thanks.
You know, I could have gotten it next time we see each other.
Yeah, about that I don't think there should be a next time.
My man.
I thought we hit it off.
We did.
And I think you're great, but I get the feeling you're looking for something more serious, and I'm just in a casual place right now.
This isn't even mine.
It's nice, though.
That's tough.
I'm sorry.
Max, party of one, your table's ready.
- Hey, don't get down.
- Can't help it.
It feels like everyone around me is pairing up.
Kat and Oscar.
You and Randi.
Phil and his new nurse guy.
And you know lonely Allen who comes in every night? Not lonely anymore.
Well, you know what always makes me feel better after being rejected by a woman? - What? - Checking the mousetraps and cleaning the bathrooms.
PHIL: What the hell?! - What happened? - I will tell you what happened.
Cat Sajak ripped up my apron! He's had it out for me ever since I threw away one of his favorite toys.
It was a ball of foil.
Get over it.
Why don't you just crumple up a new ball of foil? I tried that.
He could tell it was a fake.
(LAUGHS): Oh, come on, Phil.
Well, you laugh all you want, but this only means one thing: I have a cat nemesis.
Okay, I have things to do.
- Hi.
- RANDI: Hey! - Did you have any luck? - Yes.
I found the perfect dress for my dinner with Oscar and his mom.
It is flame-retardant and already the color of wine.
- Ooh - Smart choice.
I keep telling Katharine it doesn't matter what she wears Oscar's mom isn't going to like her.
Way to stay on brand, Sheila.
No, no.
Mothers never think anyone is good enough for their son.
Your Grandma Silver hated me from the moment she met me till the day she died.
I swear, at her funeral, she glared at me from the casket.
KAT: Please, Mom, I'm nervous enough.
I thought I was helping.
Wasn't I helping? Kat, you don't have anything to worry about.
Yeah, just be your wonderful, charming self.
RANDI: But don't randomly break into song.
And don't make up lies to try to impress her.
Ooh, and don't do an Irish accent, because it always veers towards pirate.
Also, don't turn your head.
Your profile is not your friend.
RANDI: And I can't believe that I even have to say this, but don't kick Oscar's mama in the face.
But again, the important thing is to just be yourself.
Just in case.
You're gonna be fine.
Tell that to my armpits.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Don't sweat it, guys.
(HIGH-PITCHED): Thanks, Oscar.
- Hello, sweetheart.
- Hi, Ma.
I'm Mary.
Really? 'Cause I don't see a little lamb! (LAUGHS) I'm sorry, that was dumb.
Uh, I'm Kat.
So you see a little Kat, not a little lamb.
I'm gonna stop talking right now.
You're everything Oscar said you were.
Why don't we sit down.
It's so nice to finally meet you.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I couldn't get off the phone with your abuela.
She never stops.
¿Cómo enciendo la televisión? ¿Por qué no me visitas más? ¿Cómo apaga la televisión? (FORCED LAUGHTER) That's so funny.
Oh, you speak Spanish.
Yes, of course I do.
I teach it.
I I mean, I used to.
I did.
But it was a whole thing.
Uh, someone died.
And I was in the paper.
I was in el papel.
El periódico.
Right, right, yeah, I was in that one, too.
Why don't we, uh, order some appetizers? In English.
(IRISH ACCENT): Aye, there's a great idea.
We'll start at the top of the menu.
Ho-ho, shiver me timbers, brussels sprouts.
Well, that's certainly a lively take on vegetables.
Let's order some of those.
Oh, uh, let me get the waiter.
You Oh! Oh! I am so sorry.
- It's okay.
It's just water.
- Let me get in there.
- Oh! Oh, crap.
- OSCAR: Oh! Aw Oh, dear.
But I didn't kick her in the face.
And that month with the tribe was life-changing.
We had absolutely no contact with the outside world.
Except that one night I snuck into town to get a pizza and check the score of the Cardinals game.
(LAUGHS) A woman after my own heart.
Your life is so cool.
Did you always know you wanted to be a travel writer? Oh, gosh, no.
I was a bookkeeper until five years ago.
But once my kids were out of the house, I was free to follow my dreams.
She likes to remind us how we held her back.
I call them "my little ankle weights.
" - (LAUGHS) - I'm kidding.
You know you and your sisters were the best thing to ever happen to me.
I'm sure your mother feels the same.
Uh, I think we'd have to go to the source on that one.
You know, Ma, Kat kind of did the same thing as you.
She was a math professor before she opened the cat café, and one day she said, "Screw all of you, I'm following my dreams.
" Actually, I left everyone in the department a nice note and a candle, but yeah.
Look at us, a couple of brave women rewriting our own stories.
Should we toast? Ooh, why would we wave around liquid when this is going so well? You're right, you're right.
Again, I'm-I'm sorry about that.
I hope your pants are dry.
Oh, they are.
But speaking of wet pants, I have a funny story about Oscar when he was playing a tree in a school play.
Let's just say he watered himself.
Ma, Kat doesn't want to hear that.
Oh, yes, she does.
She wants to hear every single detail.
Honey, I'm having dinner with your girlfriend for the first time did you really think we weren't gonna get here? Fine, but no pictures.
Of course not.
I just AirDropped you the video.
- (GASPS) - Why do you have that on your phone? Yeah, and why is it taking me so long to get it? How'd it go? Not well.
Halfway through the conversation, she remembered she's a lesbian.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
You're a smoke show.
Maybe it's my breath? Blow on me.
That's minty fresh.
Is it my clothes? Give me a twirl.
Not gonna lie.
You could bounce a quarter off that ass, man.
Well, then, what is it? You got rejected twice.
No, but it's more than twice.
It's also Jessica.
I've texted her a bunch and gotten no response.
A bunch? Show me.
- Dude! - What? Do you see what my thumb is doing right now? It should not still be doing that.
Well, there was a typo, so I texted to fix the typo and then there was a typo in that, so I text to fix that No, this is more than a typo, okay? You're coming off thirsty as hell.
Am not.
Really? 'Cause I'm seeing a lot of emojis here.
You taught me: one per exchange.
This looks like a damn cave painting.
I was just showing her I was playful.
You were showing her you were nuts.
I'm not a nut.
I'm just, I'm ready to be in a relationship again.
I want what I had with Brigitte.
Or what I could have had with Kat.
And I want that for you, too.
But this is not the way.
Well, I wanted her to know I'm interested.
You said you were interested three times, and the last one you wrote in all caps.
You know what that sounds like, right? I am interested, Jessica! I swear this cat is staring at me like he's Bette Davis and I'm Joan Crawford.
Yeah, I don't know who those people are.
What the hell? Phil, what are you doing? You're supposed to be folding the shirts, not mopping the floor with them.
It's Cat Sajak, I tell you.
He's out to get me.
Aw, Cat Sajak is a good boy.
He's not out to get you.
(CAT SAJAK HISSES) (HISSES) Hey, I got a text from Oscar's mom.
She wants to hang out again, just with me.
- Oh, that's great! - Oh My "meeting parents" curse is over.
I'm gonna go pick out an outfit.
KAT: Oh! I'm okay.
I love her enthusiasm.
I worry about her safety.
You're very brave inviting me out for wine after what happened last time.
Offer still stands for me to use a sippy cup.
Don't be silly.
But I do have a change of clothes in the car.
(KAT LAUGHS) This is so good.
I don't even care that I'll have heartburn and assume I'm having a heart attack later.
I have antacids if you need some.
The trick is to take one before you start.
(GASPS, IMITATES EXPLOSION) Mary, you have just rocked my world.
Today is my new birthday! Kat, you're fun.
I really like you.
I'm so glad.
I really like you, too.
I need you to break up with my son.
Wait, what? You're very nice.
You're just too old for him.
I'm 40.
That's the new 20.
Well, by your logic, my son is ten, and you should be on a list.
Whoa, whoa! Can you please not say that so loud? Listen, I want grandkids, and I don't see that happening if Oscar stays with you.
Well, with all due respect, that's really up to Oscar and me.
My son lives in the moment.
He doesn't think long-term.
Or have you not seen his Angry Birds tattoo? Well, you know, just so you know, Halle Berry had her first kid at 41 and her second kid at wait for it 47.
Sweetheart, you're no Halle Berry.
I know that.
Or do you think I'm old and delusional? I'm just keeping it real.
Things go downhill after 40.
I was already in perimenopause at your age.
Okay, you've made your point.
Do you get irregular periods, mood swings, night sweats? That's your body closing up shop.
Okay, I think we're done here.
I, uh, I'm gonna go.
For the record, I'm not ashamed of my emotions, I've always been a hot sleeper, and my periods are regular as rain.
Regular as rain! - Hey.
- Hey.
How'd it go? (SIGHS): Good.
We had a great time.
Your mom is lovely.
Couldn't be lovelier.
The loveliest of lovely.
Just a frickin' delight.
Well, that took a turn.
Uh, what's going on? Well, uh I'm not Halle Berry, and your mom thinks I'm too old for you.
- Wait, what? - Yeah.
That's crazy.
You sure that's what she meant? Well, she said, "I need you to break up with my son, I think you're too old for him," but, you know, I could just be reading into things.
That is so out of line.
I'm calling her right now.
- No, don't.
Save your minutes.
- I don't know what that means.
Of course you don't.
You're too young.
(SIGHS) What if she's right? You know, my age starts with a four, - and yours starts with a two.
- Kat, I've dated women my own age, and it never worked out.
This is the first time that it feels right.
No, it does feel right.
But the age thing is real.
I'm having a lot of "old people" things happen to me.
You know, the other day I tweaked my back sneezing.
Then I made it worse reaching for a handkerchief.
Yes, I use a handkerchief.
I have to wear glasses to read small print.
And if I'm being totally honest, I don't even remember where I was going with all of this.
You were explaining to me why you're too old for me.
And it's only gonna get worse down the road.
Eventually, my teeth are gonna fall out, and then you'll have to blend my food and change my diapers and help me remember my life, like in The Notebook.
First, thank you for comparing me to Ryan Gosling.
Second, let's just slow down.
Can we take this one day at a time? But you do have to think long-term.
Like, what about kids? You know, I froze my eggs, but that's not something I can snooze on.
I'm not even sure I want kids, and if we decide we do, there are options: we can foster, we can adopt.
Maybe we just get some dogs.
- Dogs?! - Cats, cats.
I mean lots and lots of cats.
Listen, the one thing I know for sure is that I want to be with you for all of it 'cause I love you.
Wait, what'd you say? (SHOUTING): I love you.
I love you, too.
We just did that.
We did.
40's turning out to be a pretty good year.
You're 40? (LAUGHS) - Oscar said it first.
- Oh And then I said it back.
It was the first "I love you" of my life.
Oh, I'm so happy for you, Kat.
I mean, it's gonna be weird with his mom for a while, but, you know, I don't need everyone to like me.
Amen to that.
- (KNOCKING) - Unrelated: if you were my boyfriend's mom, - would you prefer flowers or chocolate? - (LAUGHS) - Hey.
- I know you're closed for coffee, but are you open for an intervention? Always.
Step into our office.
What's up? What are we intervening? Drugs? Alcohol? His boring T-shirts? Worse.
Somebody's taken our cool, suave Max and replaced him with this dope.
Wow, you live in a good school district.
That's where I'd want my future kids to go.
I mean, I'm open to homeschooling, but that's a decision me and my future wife will have to make.
What do you think? Why is it so bad to want to fast-forward through the chitchat and get right to the real stuff? You got a nice smile.
I'd love to take you to my buddy's cabin in the woods.
It's beautiful there.
Super remote.
No cell service.
Just you and me in the middle of nowhere.
That was a romantic getaway.
She thought you were gonna murder her, dude.
She definitely made sure her Taser was charged.
She had 911 locked and loaded on her way to the car.
So you're saying I'm coming on a little strong.
A little strong? You stink of desperation.
That's what I've been trying to tell him.
But does he listen? No.
Which is why we are here.
I'm just so sick of dating.
I get it.
Dating is the worst.
- Hey.
- Shh.
But you have to slog through it no matter how miserable and soul-sucking it is.
Again, I say, "Hey.
" Again, I say, "Shh.
" You know, Max, maybe the thing to do right now is just to stop pushing so hard.
Stop trying to force something that isn't there.
Well, then, what do I do? Just keep dating and dating, with the drinks and the small talk and the walks in the park and the calculated texts until I accidentally stumble upon someone who's right for me? OTHERS: Yes.
- (GROANS) - Hang in there.
You're great.
It'll happen.
Or you'll die alone.
- Wha ? - What? We've been closed for 30 minutes.
I'm ready to go.
Could I get another glass of wine, please? Sure.
What happened to your date? He left.
We didn't hit it off.
God, dating sucks.
Yeah, tell me about it.
- (LAUGHS) - This one's on the house.
LUCY: Thanks.
You're welcome.
You want to join me? Uh, sure.
Yeah, I can take a break.
Sorry you had a rough night.
(GROANS) I'm just so tired of the whole thing.
I wish I could skip straight to marriage, buy a house, have some kids I think three is the perfect number.
What do you think? Yeah, I think my boss needs me.
- Is that what I sounded like? - Pretty much.
By the way, that wine is coming out of your paycheck.
And that did count as your break.
- Meow! - (GASPS) (LAUGHS) What are you doing? I haven't seen Cat Sajak all morning.
He must be lying in wait.
Oh, no.
He got adopted this morning.
So there's nothing for you to worry about.
And some would say there never was.
What? Yeah, I thought you would be happy.
Well, of course.
Good riddance.
He riled up my days, he ripped my clothes to tatters, and And you miss him already, don't you? So much! Does this help? I appreciate that, but it's just not the same.
So, I got an apology text from your mom.
Yeah, she heard me, but mostly she heard my abuela, who, by the way, also wants to meet you.
(CHUCKLES): Oh, I'm busy.
- I didn't tell you when.
- Yeah, I'm just trying to protect her.
If your mother ever says anything like that to my Katherine again, there will be hell to pay.
Nobody messes with my baby.
I need coffee.
Oh, my God.
I know.
Wasn't that the sweetest thing you've ever heard? ("GOTTA DO WHATCHA GOTTA DO" BY KELLI WAKILI PLAYING) Whoa-oah-oah-oah Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm Whoa-oah-oah-oah Yeah, listen, I'm asleep in the morning light Till the roosters start to crow I'm-a feel a good time tonight Yeah, the roof's about to blow Yeah, see your best somebody That somebody that you all know I can feel the lights go down It's time to start the show, yeah But I want to see you get down low.

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