Callan's Kicks s01e02 Episode Script
Episode 2
A Sharon ni Bheolatron.
Sorry.
Coming up on the programme tonight, Paul Galvin doesn't tell the bride.
What's this? What's with the V-neck.
It's supposed to be low cut.
I can't even see my navel.
Taoiseach Enda goes for a ride.
Today I announce that I will be Ireland's first back bench Taoiseach.
Britain's Prince George celebrates his first birthday.
The time has come for me to abdicate in order to spend less time with my family.
And we visit BOD and Amy in the bedroom.
It's like we're the good, the BOD and the ugly.
Brian! So sit back, relax, open the Blue Nun and slip into something more comfortable, like that yoga teacher you've been bending at.
It's Friday night and this is Callan's Kicks.
New ministers in tow, Job Bridge Joan was in Pat Rabitte's constituency for her first press conference as Tanaiste.
Good afternoon.
Shut up! I'm delighted to unveil Labour's young dynamic new ministerial team.
At 63 and 55 and having risen without trace, Alex and.
.
Jan.
Represent the future and the end of the Labour Party.
Accidental Alex surprised everyone by landing a cabinet seat, especially me cos I hadn't even put that name in the raffle.
But rules are rules and he or she gets it.
He's a remarkable politician and she was rejected 3 times by the voters, even losing to George Lee.
Alex is now in charge of RTE, the only institution with worse ratings than Labour.
It's the one media organisation government can affect, since Denis O'Brien owns everything else.
Hi Denis! That brings me to.
.
Jan.
Shut up.
She's the most qualified Labour candidate for education minister after running a playschool 40 years ago in Canada.
Yan will do literally anything I tell her.
She's even wearing one of my cast-offs.
No, no.
Shh.
Today we're honouring a minister who achieved great things by appointing his cronies to Bord na Mona in the week before I sacked him.
Pat Rabitte of course denied this, saying he'd been clinically dead in Doheny and Nesbitt's for the last month.
An excuse I've heard many times before.
Isn't that right Deputy Stagg.
Today we turn the sod on the Pat Rabitte memorial windfarm and announce the building of a novelty pylon in his larder.
God knows it's large enough.
Thank you.
Alex.
Alex! No more questions for either of these two, ever.
We're also looking for information on the whereabouts of Brendan Howlin.
He was last seen kissing Michael Noonan's arse just as he was sitting down and we fear the worst.
Thank you.
Thank you, bye.
No, I do the waving.
Me! Hi, I'm Marty Morrissey.
President and founder of there ain't no party like a Marty's party party.
Croke Park.
Headquarters of the greatest organisation known to man.
The GAA.
Since 1884 they've been making legends out of arseholes and arseholes out of legends.
They've invented the baby oil comb over, the ham sandwich and ladies football.
The single biggest lesbian pastime until the release of Orange is the New Black last year.
Now some lesser spotted moments in GAA history, right here on Marty's Chart-y.
Hill 16 truly is the Dublin of Croke Park.
Half built, drink sodden, it's a vastly over-rated embarrassment to the rest of the stadium and the country.
It was here in 2011 that Dublin's notoriously fair weather supporters half-heartedly cheered on Dublin's first win for 16 years.
There wasn't a car nicked in Finglas for a fortnight.
It was Tipp in 1982 and news of the Easter Rising had only just arrived.
The county hurling final ended in controversy with a last minute free awarded by the referee for what looked like a fair butt of the hurl to the groin.
The reiteoir was subjected to the first ref trunking incident when he was locked into the boot of his Opel Ascona.
Many condemn the now widespread practice but I personally believe it's the only way to travel.
His town won the county final that year.
There wasn't a sheep rode in Tipperary for a fortnight.
This is legendary GAA haunt, Quinns, more affectionately known as The Sin Bin where jackeens and culchies come together, if you know what I mean.
In the early 90's Ulster began dominating the All Ireland series when confusingly, Down was on the up.
It was the height of tensions in the marching season but many's the Ulster lady found that I was one orange man who wasn't afraid to go south of the border.
Down won Sam in 1991 and there wasn't a mad cow smuggled over the border for a fortnight.
We've reached the end of Marty's Chart-y.
Next week I'll be counting down Marty's top 5 chicken carverys of Munster.
I'm a legs man myself although I don't mind a chicken either.
That's all from me, from her, her and yes, why not you.
I'm off home for a multiple Marty's party.
Previously on Westenders.
.
You don't understand Kate.
My father is next in line to the throne.
Oh Will, it's in your blood to be king.
You're my lion.
Rargh.
Besides, it'd be the dog's bollocks to be queen innit.
Oh Camilla, I'm not quite ready to have another child.
I already have a son you see.
Two sons.
I have two sons, I think.
Oh Camilla, you're ever so beautiful.
I love you so.
So it turned out the Zulu chap spoke perfectly good English and was running the place.
I never should've brought you to The White House, dear.
Charles, isn't Camilla coming to the party? No.
She went for a lie down.
She's a little hoarse.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
Sorry we're late Gran.
Paps chasing us.
Old habits die hard.
Happy birthday George.
Philip got you your first hunting rifle.
Splendid.
Shall your brother be joining us William? Harry's at a stag in Vegas.
I've got him on Skype.
Hello bruv.
Oh hello Big Ears.
Hello Harry, it's your father here.
Yeah right mate.
You've been telling that story for a while.
Have you met any marriage suitors yet Harry? I met a lovely girl called India the other day.
Has she any royalty in her? Well she did last night.
Does she at least have a double barrel name? Oh double barrel! Oh Philip.
I think it's time for dinner.
No, no my dear.
Come on Will, pull a cracker.
Wait, you already have.
Know what I mean.
Top me up nicely there.
William, do ask Kate Middleclass to read aloud the joke.
Grandmamma wants you to read the joke aloud Katie.
What does the royal family and yeast got in common? Both are a type of infection.
They rise to their potential when called upon to do their duty.
Nah.
They're both in bread.
Oh quite.
One has an announcement to make.
As you know I've been your ruler now for more than 50 years.
The time has come for me to abdicate in order to spend less time with my family.
Yes! Blasted well done Mama.
Now's my time to shine, while I'm still a young man.
Perhaps it was worth all those years with that woman, that dreadful woman they made me marry.
Will, this is our chance.
But Papa.
.
F him.
You can be king.
You can have your hair implants.
It'll be wicked.
I have decided upon my successor.
I can finally give Camilla that stable she truly deserves.
The new king shall be.
.
King Charles III.
King.
.
William V.
Will I am.
George VII.
Oi Queenie, you're bang out of order.
Oh William, please congratulate Kate Middleclass in producing an heir.
Tell her her services are no longer required.
I'm the richest man in cabinet.
Now I'm the minister for children and haven't a care in the world.
Sorry Leo but there's one thing I like to do more than anything else.
Hello.
I'm James Reilly and I wreck things.
On this week's Wreck It Reilly, meet tiny Timmy and his grandfather's watch.
It's a priceless family heirloom which they nearly had to pawn off after losing the medical card, but they managed to hold onto it.
Let's find out what happens when Timmy's watch goes to meet my friend Mr.
Vice.
Remember, I'm a qualified doctor so don't try this at home.
No! Ah.
Tragic tiny Timmy.
What a pointless waste of time but not nearly as pointless as cancelling 15,000 medical cards and then having to give them all back after causing untold suffering and misery.
If Reilly can't wreck it, it can't be wrecked.
I wonder what time is it.
Oh, it's the perfect time to visit Balbriggan.
Oh lovely.
Get closer.
A bit closer.
Closer, come on.
Oh yeah, very nice.
I can't believe it's my last ever At Home With Amy & BOD exclusive photo shoot as a rugby player.
I know sweetheart.
You must be so sad.
You guys seem to have a lot of cute nicknames for each other.
That's true actually.
I call him BODfather because he's Sadie's father and Hotbod cos he's got a hot bod.
Also lightning BOD cos he's so fast in the bedroom.
Because I'm so fast on the pitch.
Brian, do you have any nicknames for Amy? Yeah, there's Hubes, Boobs, Lubes, Fallopian Tubes which are self explanatory really.
I just love being a writer.
Some days I could just sit and author all day.
It's not a touch screen honey.
Now, now.
Which one of us a author? Hello Heartbreak was really successful and so was the other one.
I Wished For You? Yeah, I think that's what it was called.
It did really good.
What about those? They're the ones we keep for friends.
We're really hoping that this new book will put us right back on top.
It's about two neighbouring lower middle class families at war.
It's called Raging Semis.
I came up with the title myself.
That's great.
That's beautiful.
I love that.
Give him a little slap.
Does that feel good Brian? It's like we're the good, the BOD and the ugly.
Brian! Can't believe it babes.
BOD's last ever together with the family exclusive photo shoot as a pro athlete.
I think she needs to be changed, sugarplum.
No problem.
Newbridge silver nappies are so much easier to clean.
But I think it's your turn, Bodkins.
I would babes, it's just when I landed on the bed I broke my leg.
I'm actually in a lot of pain right now.
Great.
That looks great.
Walk towards me.
I love it.
Who is the hottest couple in Ireland? Give each other a kiss, go on.
That's great, I like that.
Like you really love each other.
Aren't Newbridge so good to give you a special cast.
Yeah and I can't believe it's my last ever out with Amy in the garden exclusive photo shoot as a Leinster man.
I wanted to ask you about The Stag.
What goes on on the stag stays on the stag.
Mostly anyway.
No sweetheart, he means my movie The Stag.
Oh yeah.
Maybe we should go back further.
You were in The Clinic.
That was definitely on the stag but thankfully, it's cleared up now.
No Tweety Pie, he means my TV show The Clinic.
I think we should definitely talk about Threesome.
Hold on, I thought our sex life was completely out of bounds.
Shut up Brian, you idiot.
He's talking about my sit-com.
Oh.
Yeah, I hear it's great.
Oh, you've caught me bringing Sharon for a quick back-up to the i-cloud.
Last time we forgot to update her software she ended up lurching around Dalkey in her pyjamas with someone else's dog.
I looked like a dog's dinner.
Calm now, my sweet.
It'll never happen again.
Coming up after the break.
.
It's a great privilege to follow up on the great work that Dr.
Reilly's done in this office.
Mustn't have had time to change that.
Pyjamas.
Perverts.
Dog's dinner.
Oh no, I better hurry.
See you in two minutes.
Taoiseach Enda took time out from doing nothing in office, to attend the Ring of Kerry charity cycle.
Accompanied by a top political advisor, he spoke to the waiting media.
Hello.
Are ye from the RTE? Yes.
I've completed the junior reshuffle which took many difficult minutes of tossing coins.
Having listened to the people, their views are clear.
In order to lead, I will lead from behind.
Go on Enda! It seems the closer I am to power, the more dangerous I become.
So today I announce that I will be Ireland's first back bench Taoiseach.
It's not going to be easy with Rabitte and Gilmore taking up much of the back bench already.
No.
No.
But I will continue to carry out all the important duties of Taoiseach.
Pointing and laughing at things, cycling, high-fiving, shoulder punching and photo bombing tourists.
And new for this year, the double thumbs up and the wink.
Lovely hurling.
Taoiseach, you're still being linked with that top EU job.
No.
I've no interest in a big cushy, well paid, heavily pensioned job in Europe that'll involve travelling to exotic locations.
I will stay and lead this grim rainy country out of this clusterfeck of a recession.
Through no fault or effort of my own, I am in power, I am in charge and I intend to see this job of work.
.
PHONE RINGS.
Sorry lads.
Go on Enda! Oh tis Fionnuala.
Fck.
Hello my darling.
What's that? What do you mean it's going out live? Is this going out live? Feck.
No, I just ruled myself out on the telly there.
Don't make me.
.
She's always at it.
I am of course flattered to be linked with this humbling EU job and will consider what's best for Europe.
If that means becoming Angela's sexy glove puppet, so be it.
Go on Enda! But I will make up my own mind and in good time.
Was that alright darling? This is the best small man in the world in which to do Taoiseach.
Lovely hurling.
Now watch this ride.
Welcome back.
Now that it's the silly season and all the news got eaten by Garth Brooks last week, we turn our attention to entertainment news.
Frivolous tone engaged.
Cheryl Cole hasn't gotten married to her French boyfriend of 3 months at a secret ceremony in the Caribbean.
3 months.
As a student I'd longer relationships with my bed sheets.
The singer's husband is a businessman who specialises in pop-up restaurants.
When he realises what she's done to her buttocks, he'll soon be a specialist in pop-up divorce.
The Spanish police have sought to arrest a participant who took a selfie during the Pamplona bull run as it's against the law.
It's perfectly legal to indulge in animal cruelty and risk stampeding an entire town to death, but it's taking photos that's against urban regulations.
Finally, the winner of a 5 million euro lotto jackpot in Mullingar has vowed to remain in her job at a bookies and still buys her salad roll in Spar.
Because nothing is as sensible as winning the lotto, going public with it, then describing in minute detail where you work and your movements during lunch time.
Enjoy your winnings or the ransom as the kidnappers will call it.
We'll have more later.
Every man wants the wedding of his dreams.
Every groom wants a perfect day.
But there's one group of people in Ireland who want perfection more than most.
It's 2 weeks to the wedding and I'm being fitted for the wedding suit.
But I'm not happy like.
Were we not talking about this being more fitted? Well I can.
.
Were we not! I can take it in at the crotch if you like.
Yeah, there's far too much room in the crotch.
Look.
I sit down, no pain whatsoever.
What's the point? What's this? A v-neck.
It was supposed to be low-cut.
I can't even see my navel.
Can't even see it.
What are you going to do with your beard on the day? I don't know.
I'll get a dress in the vintage store or something.
She'll wear whatever I tell her.
No your beard.
What are you going to do with your beard? I thought you meant my bird.
That's what I thought you meant.
Cool.
Stand beside me.
I want to see what it looks like for the pictures when there's two of us.
(HUMS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE") What are you looking at? What are you looking at me like that for? Mm.
I would.
I do.
The hipster community are fiercely competitive when it comes to music at our weddings.
Always striving to find the latest hipster band that no-one else has heard of like.
So I came up with a novel way of dealing with this particular dilemma.
Okay, listen man.
Basically what's going to happen is at the reception I want you to form a band a three musicians who never met before.
Then make up some early Berlin electro pop as you go along.
Is that cool with you like? Yeah, I can probably do that.
What instruments do the other guys play? You're all playing synth like.
Would you be better with a range of instruments? Everybody is playing synth.
Okay.
Cool.
Cool man.
Yeah brother.
Excuse me mate.
Can I bum a fag? What are you saying about us?! He just wants a cigarette.
Oh yeah.
Of course like.
I got that.
You wouldn't mind taking a selfie of me, would you.
Cheers.
It's just days before the wedding and me and the woman have come to sample our bespoke wedding menu, which has been created by celebrity chef, Lupus Morricone.
How you doing man.
Hiya.
Nice to meet you.
I've designed your own special menu.
Paul is quite particular about what he likes.
It's cool.
Let's see what Lupus has made for us.
I'm fine.
For starters, cockaleekie soup.
Main course, pork faggots.
And dessert, spotted dick.
What are you saying to me?! What's the problem with you?! What are you trying to say about me? After I politely raised some minor concerns about the wording on the menu, Lupus revised the wedding dinner plan.
All's well that ends well on my big fat hipster wedding, like.
Now, Taoiseach Enda Kenny's reshuffle.
.
Sorry, reshambles continues.
And what a reshambles it was.
James Reilly, Minister for Children.
Mummy, why is Hagred in charge of youth affairs and smells of pudding? His replacement at health Leo Varadkar, started this week.
David Davin Power went behind the scenes in this special report.
A warning, some viewers shouldn't drive or operate heavy machinery while listening tog DDP's droning voice.
The youngest cabinet minister found his first day in health was more challenging than he'd anticipated.
Terribly excited.
That's not working.
Need to use the side door.
It's not working either.
Oh, this one.
Hello! They're not working.
I can get in myself though.
First things first, wash my hands.
Hand sanitizer gel.
It's actually an alcohol gel.
James Reilly used to call it the cure.
He used to go through 8 litres a week.
Very hygienic man.
Let's get into the lift.
It's not working.
Of course it's a great privilege to follow up on the great work that Dr.
Reilly's done in this office.
Mustn't have had time to change that.
Really excited to get straight in.
Oh for the love of.
.
When they told me I'd have to clean up the department, it's not exactly what I had in mind.
He's really left his mark on the.
.
Is that Oxtail soup? I need a coffee.
I'm gonna get a skinny capucchino.
Do you know what you want? Plain coffee.
I'll get someone.
Hello.
Hello! Hello.
Is there anyone around to make these guys a coffee? Oh it's summertime.
Nobody's working.
As he removed mementos of James Reilly's mansion, vintage car collect, Leo outlined his vision for the job.
In this job I'm following in the footsteps of Haughey, Noonan, Cowan and Harney so I've a lot to live down to.
Thanks to this government it's now cheaper and faster to fly somewhere with better healthcare than rot in an Irish A&E.
Plus you get to take a holiday.
Our health service is of third world standard.
Because of my parents' roots I know a lot about the third world.
My mother grew up in County Waterford.
The minister was quick to defend the low starting salary for nurses, many of whom have to go abroad for better wages.
I feel it's misleading to say paying nurses 6.
49 an hour is unjust.
We let them work 20 hours a day so they still earn enough during a 7 day week to take a holiday.
With much to be repaired in the HSE, the minister shone a light on his own political ambitions.
I'm ideal for health cos I've never really stuck at anything.
I studied law for a while and then I switched to medicine.
Then I realised that doctoring meant long hours so I went into politics.
Now I'm here for the next few months until the heave.
Even then I don't intend on being Taoiseach for too long.
As we were packing up Leo got the customary phone call from his predecessor.
Hello Doctor.
Hello young Veruca.
I think I left my cuppa soup behind.
No but there's a bucket of curry here.
Yes, that's the one.
Can you have it sent over? I need it for my mid-day snack.
Yeah but the phone isn't working.
I know.
Nothing works.
Or the lights.
Bye.
Maybe I won't bother with that run.
David Davin Power, RTE news.
Angola.
Log onto our Facebook and Twitter for the full uncut Westenders Royal Family.
That's all we have time for this evening.
Is that really all you've time for this evening Sharon? Error.
Flirtation detected.
Emergency shutdown initiated.
Oh Sharon.
Looks like I'll be watching Netflix alone tonight.
Join us next week as Tom Cruise rediscovers Ireland and grumpy Ray Darcy swears gratuitously.
Thanks for watching.
Now go back to sleep Ireland.
Like Sharon here.
Sorry.
Coming up on the programme tonight, Paul Galvin doesn't tell the bride.
What's this? What's with the V-neck.
It's supposed to be low cut.
I can't even see my navel.
Taoiseach Enda goes for a ride.
Today I announce that I will be Ireland's first back bench Taoiseach.
Britain's Prince George celebrates his first birthday.
The time has come for me to abdicate in order to spend less time with my family.
And we visit BOD and Amy in the bedroom.
It's like we're the good, the BOD and the ugly.
Brian! So sit back, relax, open the Blue Nun and slip into something more comfortable, like that yoga teacher you've been bending at.
It's Friday night and this is Callan's Kicks.
New ministers in tow, Job Bridge Joan was in Pat Rabitte's constituency for her first press conference as Tanaiste.
Good afternoon.
Shut up! I'm delighted to unveil Labour's young dynamic new ministerial team.
At 63 and 55 and having risen without trace, Alex and.
.
Jan.
Represent the future and the end of the Labour Party.
Accidental Alex surprised everyone by landing a cabinet seat, especially me cos I hadn't even put that name in the raffle.
But rules are rules and he or she gets it.
He's a remarkable politician and she was rejected 3 times by the voters, even losing to George Lee.
Alex is now in charge of RTE, the only institution with worse ratings than Labour.
It's the one media organisation government can affect, since Denis O'Brien owns everything else.
Hi Denis! That brings me to.
.
Jan.
Shut up.
She's the most qualified Labour candidate for education minister after running a playschool 40 years ago in Canada.
Yan will do literally anything I tell her.
She's even wearing one of my cast-offs.
No, no.
Shh.
Today we're honouring a minister who achieved great things by appointing his cronies to Bord na Mona in the week before I sacked him.
Pat Rabitte of course denied this, saying he'd been clinically dead in Doheny and Nesbitt's for the last month.
An excuse I've heard many times before.
Isn't that right Deputy Stagg.
Today we turn the sod on the Pat Rabitte memorial windfarm and announce the building of a novelty pylon in his larder.
God knows it's large enough.
Thank you.
Alex.
Alex! No more questions for either of these two, ever.
We're also looking for information on the whereabouts of Brendan Howlin.
He was last seen kissing Michael Noonan's arse just as he was sitting down and we fear the worst.
Thank you.
Thank you, bye.
No, I do the waving.
Me! Hi, I'm Marty Morrissey.
President and founder of there ain't no party like a Marty's party party.
Croke Park.
Headquarters of the greatest organisation known to man.
The GAA.
Since 1884 they've been making legends out of arseholes and arseholes out of legends.
They've invented the baby oil comb over, the ham sandwich and ladies football.
The single biggest lesbian pastime until the release of Orange is the New Black last year.
Now some lesser spotted moments in GAA history, right here on Marty's Chart-y.
Hill 16 truly is the Dublin of Croke Park.
Half built, drink sodden, it's a vastly over-rated embarrassment to the rest of the stadium and the country.
It was here in 2011 that Dublin's notoriously fair weather supporters half-heartedly cheered on Dublin's first win for 16 years.
There wasn't a car nicked in Finglas for a fortnight.
It was Tipp in 1982 and news of the Easter Rising had only just arrived.
The county hurling final ended in controversy with a last minute free awarded by the referee for what looked like a fair butt of the hurl to the groin.
The reiteoir was subjected to the first ref trunking incident when he was locked into the boot of his Opel Ascona.
Many condemn the now widespread practice but I personally believe it's the only way to travel.
His town won the county final that year.
There wasn't a sheep rode in Tipperary for a fortnight.
This is legendary GAA haunt, Quinns, more affectionately known as The Sin Bin where jackeens and culchies come together, if you know what I mean.
In the early 90's Ulster began dominating the All Ireland series when confusingly, Down was on the up.
It was the height of tensions in the marching season but many's the Ulster lady found that I was one orange man who wasn't afraid to go south of the border.
Down won Sam in 1991 and there wasn't a mad cow smuggled over the border for a fortnight.
We've reached the end of Marty's Chart-y.
Next week I'll be counting down Marty's top 5 chicken carverys of Munster.
I'm a legs man myself although I don't mind a chicken either.
That's all from me, from her, her and yes, why not you.
I'm off home for a multiple Marty's party.
Previously on Westenders.
.
You don't understand Kate.
My father is next in line to the throne.
Oh Will, it's in your blood to be king.
You're my lion.
Rargh.
Besides, it'd be the dog's bollocks to be queen innit.
Oh Camilla, I'm not quite ready to have another child.
I already have a son you see.
Two sons.
I have two sons, I think.
Oh Camilla, you're ever so beautiful.
I love you so.
So it turned out the Zulu chap spoke perfectly good English and was running the place.
I never should've brought you to The White House, dear.
Charles, isn't Camilla coming to the party? No.
She went for a lie down.
She's a little hoarse.
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.
Sorry we're late Gran.
Paps chasing us.
Old habits die hard.
Happy birthday George.
Philip got you your first hunting rifle.
Splendid.
Shall your brother be joining us William? Harry's at a stag in Vegas.
I've got him on Skype.
Hello bruv.
Oh hello Big Ears.
Hello Harry, it's your father here.
Yeah right mate.
You've been telling that story for a while.
Have you met any marriage suitors yet Harry? I met a lovely girl called India the other day.
Has she any royalty in her? Well she did last night.
Does she at least have a double barrel name? Oh double barrel! Oh Philip.
I think it's time for dinner.
No, no my dear.
Come on Will, pull a cracker.
Wait, you already have.
Know what I mean.
Top me up nicely there.
William, do ask Kate Middleclass to read aloud the joke.
Grandmamma wants you to read the joke aloud Katie.
What does the royal family and yeast got in common? Both are a type of infection.
They rise to their potential when called upon to do their duty.
Nah.
They're both in bread.
Oh quite.
One has an announcement to make.
As you know I've been your ruler now for more than 50 years.
The time has come for me to abdicate in order to spend less time with my family.
Yes! Blasted well done Mama.
Now's my time to shine, while I'm still a young man.
Perhaps it was worth all those years with that woman, that dreadful woman they made me marry.
Will, this is our chance.
But Papa.
.
F him.
You can be king.
You can have your hair implants.
It'll be wicked.
I have decided upon my successor.
I can finally give Camilla that stable she truly deserves.
The new king shall be.
.
King Charles III.
King.
.
William V.
Will I am.
George VII.
Oi Queenie, you're bang out of order.
Oh William, please congratulate Kate Middleclass in producing an heir.
Tell her her services are no longer required.
I'm the richest man in cabinet.
Now I'm the minister for children and haven't a care in the world.
Sorry Leo but there's one thing I like to do more than anything else.
Hello.
I'm James Reilly and I wreck things.
On this week's Wreck It Reilly, meet tiny Timmy and his grandfather's watch.
It's a priceless family heirloom which they nearly had to pawn off after losing the medical card, but they managed to hold onto it.
Let's find out what happens when Timmy's watch goes to meet my friend Mr.
Vice.
Remember, I'm a qualified doctor so don't try this at home.
No! Ah.
Tragic tiny Timmy.
What a pointless waste of time but not nearly as pointless as cancelling 15,000 medical cards and then having to give them all back after causing untold suffering and misery.
If Reilly can't wreck it, it can't be wrecked.
I wonder what time is it.
Oh, it's the perfect time to visit Balbriggan.
Oh lovely.
Get closer.
A bit closer.
Closer, come on.
Oh yeah, very nice.
I can't believe it's my last ever At Home With Amy & BOD exclusive photo shoot as a rugby player.
I know sweetheart.
You must be so sad.
You guys seem to have a lot of cute nicknames for each other.
That's true actually.
I call him BODfather because he's Sadie's father and Hotbod cos he's got a hot bod.
Also lightning BOD cos he's so fast in the bedroom.
Because I'm so fast on the pitch.
Brian, do you have any nicknames for Amy? Yeah, there's Hubes, Boobs, Lubes, Fallopian Tubes which are self explanatory really.
I just love being a writer.
Some days I could just sit and author all day.
It's not a touch screen honey.
Now, now.
Which one of us a author? Hello Heartbreak was really successful and so was the other one.
I Wished For You? Yeah, I think that's what it was called.
It did really good.
What about those? They're the ones we keep for friends.
We're really hoping that this new book will put us right back on top.
It's about two neighbouring lower middle class families at war.
It's called Raging Semis.
I came up with the title myself.
That's great.
That's beautiful.
I love that.
Give him a little slap.
Does that feel good Brian? It's like we're the good, the BOD and the ugly.
Brian! Can't believe it babes.
BOD's last ever together with the family exclusive photo shoot as a pro athlete.
I think she needs to be changed, sugarplum.
No problem.
Newbridge silver nappies are so much easier to clean.
But I think it's your turn, Bodkins.
I would babes, it's just when I landed on the bed I broke my leg.
I'm actually in a lot of pain right now.
Great.
That looks great.
Walk towards me.
I love it.
Who is the hottest couple in Ireland? Give each other a kiss, go on.
That's great, I like that.
Like you really love each other.
Aren't Newbridge so good to give you a special cast.
Yeah and I can't believe it's my last ever out with Amy in the garden exclusive photo shoot as a Leinster man.
I wanted to ask you about The Stag.
What goes on on the stag stays on the stag.
Mostly anyway.
No sweetheart, he means my movie The Stag.
Oh yeah.
Maybe we should go back further.
You were in The Clinic.
That was definitely on the stag but thankfully, it's cleared up now.
No Tweety Pie, he means my TV show The Clinic.
I think we should definitely talk about Threesome.
Hold on, I thought our sex life was completely out of bounds.
Shut up Brian, you idiot.
He's talking about my sit-com.
Oh.
Yeah, I hear it's great.
Oh, you've caught me bringing Sharon for a quick back-up to the i-cloud.
Last time we forgot to update her software she ended up lurching around Dalkey in her pyjamas with someone else's dog.
I looked like a dog's dinner.
Calm now, my sweet.
It'll never happen again.
Coming up after the break.
.
It's a great privilege to follow up on the great work that Dr.
Reilly's done in this office.
Mustn't have had time to change that.
Pyjamas.
Perverts.
Dog's dinner.
Oh no, I better hurry.
See you in two minutes.
Taoiseach Enda took time out from doing nothing in office, to attend the Ring of Kerry charity cycle.
Accompanied by a top political advisor, he spoke to the waiting media.
Hello.
Are ye from the RTE? Yes.
I've completed the junior reshuffle which took many difficult minutes of tossing coins.
Having listened to the people, their views are clear.
In order to lead, I will lead from behind.
Go on Enda! It seems the closer I am to power, the more dangerous I become.
So today I announce that I will be Ireland's first back bench Taoiseach.
It's not going to be easy with Rabitte and Gilmore taking up much of the back bench already.
No.
No.
But I will continue to carry out all the important duties of Taoiseach.
Pointing and laughing at things, cycling, high-fiving, shoulder punching and photo bombing tourists.
And new for this year, the double thumbs up and the wink.
Lovely hurling.
Taoiseach, you're still being linked with that top EU job.
No.
I've no interest in a big cushy, well paid, heavily pensioned job in Europe that'll involve travelling to exotic locations.
I will stay and lead this grim rainy country out of this clusterfeck of a recession.
Through no fault or effort of my own, I am in power, I am in charge and I intend to see this job of work.
.
PHONE RINGS.
Sorry lads.
Go on Enda! Oh tis Fionnuala.
Fck.
Hello my darling.
What's that? What do you mean it's going out live? Is this going out live? Feck.
No, I just ruled myself out on the telly there.
Don't make me.
.
She's always at it.
I am of course flattered to be linked with this humbling EU job and will consider what's best for Europe.
If that means becoming Angela's sexy glove puppet, so be it.
Go on Enda! But I will make up my own mind and in good time.
Was that alright darling? This is the best small man in the world in which to do Taoiseach.
Lovely hurling.
Now watch this ride.
Welcome back.
Now that it's the silly season and all the news got eaten by Garth Brooks last week, we turn our attention to entertainment news.
Frivolous tone engaged.
Cheryl Cole hasn't gotten married to her French boyfriend of 3 months at a secret ceremony in the Caribbean.
3 months.
As a student I'd longer relationships with my bed sheets.
The singer's husband is a businessman who specialises in pop-up restaurants.
When he realises what she's done to her buttocks, he'll soon be a specialist in pop-up divorce.
The Spanish police have sought to arrest a participant who took a selfie during the Pamplona bull run as it's against the law.
It's perfectly legal to indulge in animal cruelty and risk stampeding an entire town to death, but it's taking photos that's against urban regulations.
Finally, the winner of a 5 million euro lotto jackpot in Mullingar has vowed to remain in her job at a bookies and still buys her salad roll in Spar.
Because nothing is as sensible as winning the lotto, going public with it, then describing in minute detail where you work and your movements during lunch time.
Enjoy your winnings or the ransom as the kidnappers will call it.
We'll have more later.
Every man wants the wedding of his dreams.
Every groom wants a perfect day.
But there's one group of people in Ireland who want perfection more than most.
It's 2 weeks to the wedding and I'm being fitted for the wedding suit.
But I'm not happy like.
Were we not talking about this being more fitted? Well I can.
.
Were we not! I can take it in at the crotch if you like.
Yeah, there's far too much room in the crotch.
Look.
I sit down, no pain whatsoever.
What's the point? What's this? A v-neck.
It was supposed to be low-cut.
I can't even see my navel.
Can't even see it.
What are you going to do with your beard on the day? I don't know.
I'll get a dress in the vintage store or something.
She'll wear whatever I tell her.
No your beard.
What are you going to do with your beard? I thought you meant my bird.
That's what I thought you meant.
Cool.
Stand beside me.
I want to see what it looks like for the pictures when there's two of us.
(HUMS "HERE COMES THE BRIDE") What are you looking at? What are you looking at me like that for? Mm.
I would.
I do.
The hipster community are fiercely competitive when it comes to music at our weddings.
Always striving to find the latest hipster band that no-one else has heard of like.
So I came up with a novel way of dealing with this particular dilemma.
Okay, listen man.
Basically what's going to happen is at the reception I want you to form a band a three musicians who never met before.
Then make up some early Berlin electro pop as you go along.
Is that cool with you like? Yeah, I can probably do that.
What instruments do the other guys play? You're all playing synth like.
Would you be better with a range of instruments? Everybody is playing synth.
Okay.
Cool.
Cool man.
Yeah brother.
Excuse me mate.
Can I bum a fag? What are you saying about us?! He just wants a cigarette.
Oh yeah.
Of course like.
I got that.
You wouldn't mind taking a selfie of me, would you.
Cheers.
It's just days before the wedding and me and the woman have come to sample our bespoke wedding menu, which has been created by celebrity chef, Lupus Morricone.
How you doing man.
Hiya.
Nice to meet you.
I've designed your own special menu.
Paul is quite particular about what he likes.
It's cool.
Let's see what Lupus has made for us.
I'm fine.
For starters, cockaleekie soup.
Main course, pork faggots.
And dessert, spotted dick.
What are you saying to me?! What's the problem with you?! What are you trying to say about me? After I politely raised some minor concerns about the wording on the menu, Lupus revised the wedding dinner plan.
All's well that ends well on my big fat hipster wedding, like.
Now, Taoiseach Enda Kenny's reshuffle.
.
Sorry, reshambles continues.
And what a reshambles it was.
James Reilly, Minister for Children.
Mummy, why is Hagred in charge of youth affairs and smells of pudding? His replacement at health Leo Varadkar, started this week.
David Davin Power went behind the scenes in this special report.
A warning, some viewers shouldn't drive or operate heavy machinery while listening tog DDP's droning voice.
The youngest cabinet minister found his first day in health was more challenging than he'd anticipated.
Terribly excited.
That's not working.
Need to use the side door.
It's not working either.
Oh, this one.
Hello! They're not working.
I can get in myself though.
First things first, wash my hands.
Hand sanitizer gel.
It's actually an alcohol gel.
James Reilly used to call it the cure.
He used to go through 8 litres a week.
Very hygienic man.
Let's get into the lift.
It's not working.
Of course it's a great privilege to follow up on the great work that Dr.
Reilly's done in this office.
Mustn't have had time to change that.
Really excited to get straight in.
Oh for the love of.
.
When they told me I'd have to clean up the department, it's not exactly what I had in mind.
He's really left his mark on the.
.
Is that Oxtail soup? I need a coffee.
I'm gonna get a skinny capucchino.
Do you know what you want? Plain coffee.
I'll get someone.
Hello.
Hello! Hello.
Is there anyone around to make these guys a coffee? Oh it's summertime.
Nobody's working.
As he removed mementos of James Reilly's mansion, vintage car collect, Leo outlined his vision for the job.
In this job I'm following in the footsteps of Haughey, Noonan, Cowan and Harney so I've a lot to live down to.
Thanks to this government it's now cheaper and faster to fly somewhere with better healthcare than rot in an Irish A&E.
Plus you get to take a holiday.
Our health service is of third world standard.
Because of my parents' roots I know a lot about the third world.
My mother grew up in County Waterford.
The minister was quick to defend the low starting salary for nurses, many of whom have to go abroad for better wages.
I feel it's misleading to say paying nurses 6.
49 an hour is unjust.
We let them work 20 hours a day so they still earn enough during a 7 day week to take a holiday.
With much to be repaired in the HSE, the minister shone a light on his own political ambitions.
I'm ideal for health cos I've never really stuck at anything.
I studied law for a while and then I switched to medicine.
Then I realised that doctoring meant long hours so I went into politics.
Now I'm here for the next few months until the heave.
Even then I don't intend on being Taoiseach for too long.
As we were packing up Leo got the customary phone call from his predecessor.
Hello Doctor.
Hello young Veruca.
I think I left my cuppa soup behind.
No but there's a bucket of curry here.
Yes, that's the one.
Can you have it sent over? I need it for my mid-day snack.
Yeah but the phone isn't working.
I know.
Nothing works.
Or the lights.
Bye.
Maybe I won't bother with that run.
David Davin Power, RTE news.
Angola.
Log onto our Facebook and Twitter for the full uncut Westenders Royal Family.
That's all we have time for this evening.
Is that really all you've time for this evening Sharon? Error.
Flirtation detected.
Emergency shutdown initiated.
Oh Sharon.
Looks like I'll be watching Netflix alone tonight.
Join us next week as Tom Cruise rediscovers Ireland and grumpy Ray Darcy swears gratuitously.
Thanks for watching.
Now go back to sleep Ireland.
Like Sharon here.