Callan's Kicks s01e05 Episode Script
Episode 5
1 Coming up later.
A day in the life of Nicky Byrne.
When you look like a cat.
Never thought I'd end up here.
Michael D and Sabina Higgins revel in their glamorous lifestyles.
How many more cake sales must one open for the Irish Countrywomen's Association.
It is so degrading.
I am the President.
We are the president, a Mhichilin.
And we go behind the scenes in Northern Ireland for Game Of Thrones.
So sit back, relax, pour yourself a Buckfast and slip into something more comfortable.
Like that stable hand you've been eyeing up all week.
It's Friday night and this is Callan's Kicks.
Taoiseach Enda was taking time out from his busy schedule pretending nothing was happening in the world, to face the media with a close advisor in tow.
Lovely hurling.
Good evening everyone.
I've truncated my cycle to urgently tackle the Gaza crisis.
For decades now Gaza has been in a terrible state altogether.
First there was the crying on the telly in front of the eyes of the world.
Then the endless carnage and destruction of his drinking.
No amount of Newcastle brown ale would fill that man.
He's a tank.
He was even addicted to the cough medicine at one time.
Solidarity with Gazza.
No Taoiseach.
It's Gaza.
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Oh yes, that.
Where others are afraid to put their heads above the parapet.
Whatever a parapet is.
'Tis like a slurry pit.
Ireland has held firm by categorically and definitively abstaining.
We gave those Israelis the abstaining of a lifetime.
We won't wilt because we have Lilt.
Shouldn't Ireland do more to help the Palestinians as the casualty list grows? Well of course we in Ireland have a natural sympathy with the Palestinians, since we too live in the smoking ruins of a once great nation.
Fianna Fail.
Schools and hospitals falling to pieces.
But our foreign affairs minister Eamon Gilmore.
.
Charlie.
Charlie.
.
Flanagan.
Flanagan has proposed a peace plan for the Middle East modelled on our own painful path to stability.
Simply have all the young people emigrate to Canada or Australia.
This will free up land for the Israelis to create a housing bubble just like we're doing right now in Dublin.
Apartments.
Why doesn't Ireland offer a tougher stance on Israel? We will do whatever's right, according to whatever Angela tells us to do after she's spoken to our President Obama.
(PHONE RINGS) 'Tis himself.
That's his tone.
Hello Sir.
Thank you Sir.
What's that? You want to use Knock Airport for rendition flights.
No problem.
You have our blessing, literally.
We'll even have a priest bless the drones and all.
Thank you Sir.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Speaking of a one-sided war, I'm off to see if Monaghan can field 15 men brave enough to face Dublin's remorseless aerial assault for 70 minutes.
Their only defence is chicken and mushrooms.
And the stink of diesel off their clothes.
People of Ireland, I am a silent guardian.
A watchful protector.
A dark knight.
That's a line in a Batman film.
I have to go.
There's a pint waiting for me at The Gingerman.
I'm telling you right now.
You won't shift Enda Kenny.
I know.
I know Simon.
I'm working hard for you.
I'm doing an interview.
I'm vlogging your old dead horse.
I'm 72.
3 years old than you.
I gotta go.
I'm here now.
Love you.
Bye.
Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! I don't have time.
I'm sorry.
I've got to go.
I'll put you in a band.
What will we call it? Three Way.
Gangbang.
Bang Average.
Gotta go.
Bye.
Asshole.
Oh yeah, hi.
Okay, we'll make a selfie.
Be quick though.
It's Owen.
Alright, impress me.
When the going gets tough.
Oh my God, you're amazing.
Sign this.
You're gonna be huge.
What does it say? I get 25% but you remind me of a young Owen Quigg.
I am Owen Quigg.
That's the spirit.
You're gonna be massive.
Talk to you again.
Gotta go.
Prick.
Oh my God! Laura! You look amazing.
It's Kathryn.
I know.
Laura, she's finished.
Whitmore, forget about her.
It's over.
I have been saying that for years.
Between ourselves.
I think she has a face that only a mother could love.
I know.
By the way, I love your stuff on No Frontiers.
Keep it up.
That was 10 years ago.
You should stick to what you're good at.
Gotta go.
Okay.
Love you.
Gotta go.
Okay.
Love you.
Fuckin' eejit.
Laura hi.
I just met Kathryn.
She looks wrecked.
She looks like she's wearing a dress from Oxfam.
You're great on The Voice, by the way.
I gotta go.
Okay bye.
Mwuah.
Nadia! Oh my God! Louis hi! You look amazing.
You should be a singer.
I've sung in front of millions.
I have a single out.
Oh yeah, I heard you're single.
You're Irish royalty.
That's what we'll call the album.
Macllroyalty.
For f sake Louis.
But you look happy.
I am happy.
Happy doesn't sell.
You gotta be depressed.
Kill a pet.
Get the Ebola virus.
That's really in at the moment.
Gotta go.
Hello.
Sunday World, yeah.
2FM.
Who FM.
Nobody listens to them any more cos they're not playing any good music like my bands.
I'm never going to have anything to do with them ever again.
They're the station of the cross.
Gotta go.
Bye.
Ryan hello! I love 2FM.
You're the last bastion of proper music.
I've got Shane Filan's new record.
Will you play it on a loop? I love you guys.
I'm reformed notorious hot-head, Paul Galvin like.
Now that I'm now longer a teacher and I wasn't paid to be a sporting legend like when I should've been paid millions, I've had to resort to instructional videos! In this tape, I'll be teaching you my top tips on how to effectively manage your anger like.
Mmm.
You just popped into the shop to buy yourself a vintage skirt which you intend to wear as a head scarf and you return to find a man issuing a parking ticket.
So you politely decided to reason with him.
HERE! What are you doing?! I was only inside for half an hour! You can't park there.
I have to give you a ticket.
Typical.
This arrogant jackeen thinks he can patronise you so you begin to completely lose the rag.
Stop.
Take a long deep breath.
Then gently slap the notebook out of his hand.
Then you very calmly shoulder him barely in to the wall.
Anger managed.
It's a normal day.
You're having your lunch on your own, Tweeting about the ladies Autumn collection at H&M, but you're dissatisfied with your food.
So politely get the attention of the waiter.
HERE! This soup is freezing cold like.
I'm sorry sir but that's gazpacho.
It's traditionally served cold.
If you like I can get you something else.
Typical jackeen arrogant pup.
He wants to humiliate you so you're angry.
Stop.
Take a long deep breath.
Then gently slap the notebook out of his hand.
And fish hook him into your soup.
Anger managed.
Thanks for watching my instructional video like.
For more information on this or my fashion column, beard advice or indeed, to make offers of paid work, please see my website.
What are you doing? I'm on video here.
Do you want a slap? I'm after rear ending you.
What did you say to me? Your back doors are smashed to bits.
Is this a wind-up? What are you saying to me? Calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down! (SCREAMS) Welcome back to the RDS.
I would've gone back to the studio but there's no news or indeed anyone working in RTE.
It is August after all.
The top stories.
A Euromillions winner from Northern Ireland has pledged to give away all but 1 of her 34 million euro jackpot.
Which is just about enough to buy a 3 bedroom detached house in need of modernisation in South County Dublin.
Wonderful.
As soon as everybody with a third level degree left the country, we immediately invented another property bubble.
So different from Fianna Fail now, eh Fine Gael? Speaking of whom, Ireland's worst ever Taoiseach.
That's a title more hotly contested than the Aga Khan.
John Bruton has criticised the very act that brought this state into being.
He described the Easter Rising as completely unnecessary.
This criticism of the founding martyrs who died for Ireland comes from a man whose greatest achievements include taxing children's shoes, stalling the peace process during his premiership and calling for more austerity last year from the lofty highs of his 140,000 pension.
No wonder his younger brother Richard vanished from political life.
In other bitter rich politician news, Pat Rabitte says TDs elected 3 years ago aren't fit to be ministers.
Presumably he's worried they may still harbour the type of principles and dignity which Pat jettisoned decades ago.
Go away Pat Rabitte.
I will never mention you again! We'll have more later.
(ALARM SOUNDS) (MUSIC) Ah yeah Nicky.
Looking good.
You raise me up.
.
When you look like a cat.
Never thought I'd end up here.
Morning Bertie.
Still Taoiseach, yeah? No.
Howya Shane.
No, I'm Mark.
No wait, Nicky.
I'm married to your daughter.
Georginia.
She didn't marry the singer, no? No.
You're still earning the sterling though? No.
I'm just looking for the pan Bertie.
Ah no, no.
I threw that out.
Teflon wears off.
Just Coco Pops will do.
Yeah, no bother.
There you go Nicky.
Thanks.
Bye.
Morning Jay Nicky Byrne.
Morning D-D-Daddy.
Rocco Bertie Byrne.
Morning Daddy.
How are you I won it on the Nags Byrne.
Probably shouldn't have let your grandad come up with your middle name.
Ah Georgiana.
My beautiful northside rose.
We're just a normal family.
Great to enjoy the simple things in life.
Going to eat me Coco Pops now.
I'm gonna eat my Coco Pops, yeah? Took their bleedin' time, didn't they.
Come on.
Just going to have my breakfast now guys.
Your morning paper, Sir.
Your spoon Sir.
Begin.
Turn page.
Liverpool.
Turn page again.
Mmm.
Listen, if you're going out would you mind sticking a few grand on the nags for me? Thanks.
More on my exciting life later in the show.
I'm not just Ireland's premier newsreader you know.
It's a little known fact that I'm also the 5th cousin of a 3rd in line to the barony of Monasterboice.
Oh there you are.
I was just getting news deep in ladies.
.
day.
It's been a real eye and leg opener.
Sharon though, is more than just a woman.
She's also the quickest access to Wikipedia in the western hemisphere.
Watch this.
Israel! Israel is a country in Western Asia, currently illegally occupied.
.
Oh good God, no! Coming up after the break, some of this.
As Minister for Education Yan will do anything I tell her.
Go on, step into that puddle there.
Laugh.
Laugh Alex.
Shh.
It's a massive barony you know.
We'll see you in two minutes.
I literally own the news.
Oh Dobbo! Alex here has kept her promise as Minister for Communications by not saying a word.
He's also won best dressed man and/or woman.
Jan here is Minister for.
.
? Education.
What? Yeah.
No.
Oh no, that's right.
Shut up.
Anyway, Jesus.
.
As Minster for Education Jan will do anything I tell her.
Go on, step into that puddle.
Laugh.
Laugh Alex.
Sssh.
I didn't know you were the posh horsey sort of person, Tanaiste.
Oh no, as socialists we don't ride horses.
Just the working classes.
My current mounted choice, Accidental Alex, who's going to need a strong back bone because nothing says socialism quite like fracking and unwanted pylons.
Alex, do you have a message for Gay Byrne on his 80th birthday? Let me be the first.
.
Sssh.
Back to me.
Let me be the first and only person to wish Gay Byrne well in his retirement.
Which I presume means he's off to Denis O'Briens Newstalk, where journalists and bankrupts go to die.
Hi Denis! Hi Denis.
No, I do the waving.
Stop it.
Do you feel guilty for taking such a long summer recess at the height of the Gaza crisis? Of course I condemn.
.
No! I condemn in the strongest possible terms, Israel's disgraceful decision to hold a humanitarian crisis in the silly season.
If they're skilled enough to target hospitals and UN schools, they should be good enough to target September or October when we're back to work, more or less.
Everyone knows that politicians are on beaches in August.
Except for Pat Rabitte who's mortally petrified of the beach in case he's rolled back to see by Greenpeace or harpooned by Japanese flubber hunters again.
Thank you.
No more questions.
Stop it.
I wave! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Go raibh mile maith agaibh go leir.
I love you all.
How many more cake sales must one open for the Irish Countrywomen's Association.
It is so degrading.
I am the president.
We are the president.
They did an extraordinarily accurate portrayal of Angela's Ashes.
That wasn't a play.
That was actually the way they talk.
Such vulgarity among my subj.
.
My people.
Look at them out there.
Look how broken they are.
Shut up you and drink your Red Bull.
My word.
Go f yourself Papa Smurf.
Insolent child.
They've no respect for their betters.
If only RTE had fact checked that Tweet, it would've been that awful Gallagher chap putting up with all of this rather than moi.
I think you drop the accent, my little manin.
We're not in Windsor any more.
Would that one was, Sabina.
Lady Sabina.
Can you imagine me, a monarch.
His Majesty.
If I were a king.
.
I'd be Queen Sabina.
Even just for a day.
It's a lifetime job.
One would wake up in the Aras, have one's crown jewels polished and go.
May hope and history rise.
Make knights of the boys.
Arise Sir Poet.
Cailins would bend at the knee.
Long live King Mickey I.
Move the capital to Galway.
Rebuild Eyre Square with statues of me.
I'd put myself first.
Make up the rules as I went.
And my poetry would be on the Leaving Cert by pure accident.
If I were the chief.
I'd announce a degree.
Make it so.
That no-one born in Ireland can grow up taller than 4 foot 3.
My people.
Yes, if I were the king.
No more cake sales.
I'd replace sport with poetry.
Oh Heaney.
Outlaw hip-hop and country music.
And just for my amusement, I'd ban that blasted Rose of Tralee.
But I'm not the king.
Some day, some time my dreams will come true.
Here we are now, on time for the Mitchelstown Cheese Rolling Festival.
What? How many more years of this must I do before I hand over to Adams? What about Lady Miriam? Don't be silly.
She doesn't have the required stature.
She's far too tall.
Anyway, let's watch these mountain men fling Babybel at each other.
Savages.
Oh yes, how delightful.
I love Mitchelstown! Ah brother.
To what do I owe this rare pleasure? All hail the king, my s.
.
nephew.
How about ye.
I'm an awful wee bollocks.
And what gives you the right to be king, nephew? Cos I'm King Jodffrey.
It's the most Proddy name in the world, of Ulster Scots heritage and random sadistic acts.
Thank you, your grace.
That's my lovely boy.
I am Jerome Montmartre.
You must be Deneris Tygerian.
About ye.
I'm Dani Stormborn.
This is me Unsullied, so it is.
I've no willy.
Excellent.
And this here is me hot maid.
Your grace, if there's going to be this much talking perhaps we should take our clothes off.
Aye.
Dead on.
I pledge myself to thee.
Arise.
From now on you'll be known as Sir Friendzone.
Shite.
Nevertheless, I will always fight for you, Mother of Dragons.
Dragons? Are you well in the head? I'm the mother of wagons.
It's my own dress.
I got it from my own wardrobe.
It's my wardrobe.
It's not your wardrobe at all! I have made a terrible mistake.
Mammy! Mammy! There's a march coming from the north.
The walkers are on the move.
The orange walkers.
Oh they're a fright.
Wise up John Snow.
I'm bored walking around the woods for the last 4 series.
Nothing ever happens.
The kings don't even meet each other.
You know nothing, John Snow.
You haven't read the books.
I love you.
What are you at, you wench you.
I don't know.
Why does everyone die on this fuckin' show? Here, I need another tin of Tenants there, like a good wee man.
(COUGHS) You're after giving him Fenian lager.
You've poisoned him.
No! I'll never get over this! Unless I find another man with a few head of cattle.
My heart's broke.
My wee babby.
Fancy a ride, brother? Ulster says no.
I'll let you drop the red hand.
Ulster says aye, go on.
Ah Mammy, you're an awful hoor.
I'm the richest man in cabinet and this is my estate.
I'm passionate about health.
Not my own obviously.
But not matter what department I'm in charge of, there's one thing I love doing more than anything else.
Hello.
I'm James Reilly and I wreck things.
This is Joe and his very expensive Ming vase that's been in his family for generations.
This is Mister Sledgehammer.
Let's see what happens when the two meet.
But don't forget, I'm a qualified doctor so don't try this at home.
It seems like such a tragic waste but not as bad as the time we closed down all the A&E's around the country before we even built a single primary care centre to replace them.
If Reilly can't wreck it, it can't be wrecked.
If you're going on holiday, why not consider beautiful Balbriggan? And now for part 2 of Nicky's Exciting Life.
Yeah.
Working 11 to 2.
What a way to make a living.
Yeah.
Howya.
I'm Nicky.
People love to stare, don't they.
Must be the teeth.
"UPTOWN GIRL".
Okay cool.
Nicky.
Nicky.
If you just come a little closer to the mike there Nicky.
That's it.
Cool.
A little bit closer.
Hold on Jenny.
This mike is plugged in.
That means Okay, let's go on radio.
Good morning.
This is the Nicky Byrne Show with me (key change) Nicky Byrne.
And Jenny Green.
I think we've a friend of yours on the line there Nicky.
Brilliant.
It's Aidan Power, is it? Or Brian Ormond? Cian Egan.
Oh.
Howya.
It's Cian of the Jungle.
How's radio? You weren't good enough for TV, what? Is 2FM shut down yet? Howya Cian.
What do you want? I'm in LA hanging out, calling you from my gold plated iPhone 6.
How's mingin' Dublin? How's your wife's band that you're managing? Still gorgeous.
How's yours? The hot bird that writes the books.
No wait.
You married her sister.
Anyway fantastic.
Let's have a couple of Tweets.
Tweet time.
This one comes in from @JoeLetterkennyPlumber.
He says the Nicky Byrne Show isn't very good at all.
Yeah, we'll it's better than yours mate.
Let's leave it there for Tweet time.
That's it for the end of the show.
Tune in tomorrow everyone.
Bye! Great.
Fantastic.
Great craic.
See you tomorrow guys.
Let's go for lunch Jenny.
Jenny? I miss the lads.
Except for Cian.
There you are.
You're back.
That's all we've got time for.
For the full uncut version of Game of Thrones logon to Callan's Kicks Facebook and Twitter.
We'll be back next week.
Now go back to sleep Ireland.
Sharon got kicked by Cian O'Connor's horse.
I don't know where she is.
Oh Sharon! Oh no, she's gone the full dog's dinner.
I have to catch her before the paparazzi get her.
Sharon! Control alt delete! Shutdown.
Reset.
A day in the life of Nicky Byrne.
When you look like a cat.
Never thought I'd end up here.
Michael D and Sabina Higgins revel in their glamorous lifestyles.
How many more cake sales must one open for the Irish Countrywomen's Association.
It is so degrading.
I am the President.
We are the president, a Mhichilin.
And we go behind the scenes in Northern Ireland for Game Of Thrones.
So sit back, relax, pour yourself a Buckfast and slip into something more comfortable.
Like that stable hand you've been eyeing up all week.
It's Friday night and this is Callan's Kicks.
Taoiseach Enda was taking time out from his busy schedule pretending nothing was happening in the world, to face the media with a close advisor in tow.
Lovely hurling.
Good evening everyone.
I've truncated my cycle to urgently tackle the Gaza crisis.
For decades now Gaza has been in a terrible state altogether.
First there was the crying on the telly in front of the eyes of the world.
Then the endless carnage and destruction of his drinking.
No amount of Newcastle brown ale would fill that man.
He's a tank.
He was even addicted to the cough medicine at one time.
Solidarity with Gazza.
No Taoiseach.
It's Gaza.
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Oh yes, that.
Where others are afraid to put their heads above the parapet.
Whatever a parapet is.
'Tis like a slurry pit.
Ireland has held firm by categorically and definitively abstaining.
We gave those Israelis the abstaining of a lifetime.
We won't wilt because we have Lilt.
Shouldn't Ireland do more to help the Palestinians as the casualty list grows? Well of course we in Ireland have a natural sympathy with the Palestinians, since we too live in the smoking ruins of a once great nation.
Fianna Fail.
Schools and hospitals falling to pieces.
But our foreign affairs minister Eamon Gilmore.
.
Charlie.
Charlie.
.
Flanagan.
Flanagan has proposed a peace plan for the Middle East modelled on our own painful path to stability.
Simply have all the young people emigrate to Canada or Australia.
This will free up land for the Israelis to create a housing bubble just like we're doing right now in Dublin.
Apartments.
Why doesn't Ireland offer a tougher stance on Israel? We will do whatever's right, according to whatever Angela tells us to do after she's spoken to our President Obama.
(PHONE RINGS) 'Tis himself.
That's his tone.
Hello Sir.
Thank you Sir.
What's that? You want to use Knock Airport for rendition flights.
No problem.
You have our blessing, literally.
We'll even have a priest bless the drones and all.
Thank you Sir.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Speaking of a one-sided war, I'm off to see if Monaghan can field 15 men brave enough to face Dublin's remorseless aerial assault for 70 minutes.
Their only defence is chicken and mushrooms.
And the stink of diesel off their clothes.
People of Ireland, I am a silent guardian.
A watchful protector.
A dark knight.
That's a line in a Batman film.
I have to go.
There's a pint waiting for me at The Gingerman.
I'm telling you right now.
You won't shift Enda Kenny.
I know.
I know Simon.
I'm working hard for you.
I'm doing an interview.
I'm vlogging your old dead horse.
I'm 72.
3 years old than you.
I gotta go.
I'm here now.
Love you.
Bye.
Louis! Louis! Louis! Louis! I don't have time.
I'm sorry.
I've got to go.
I'll put you in a band.
What will we call it? Three Way.
Gangbang.
Bang Average.
Gotta go.
Bye.
Asshole.
Oh yeah, hi.
Okay, we'll make a selfie.
Be quick though.
It's Owen.
Alright, impress me.
When the going gets tough.
Oh my God, you're amazing.
Sign this.
You're gonna be huge.
What does it say? I get 25% but you remind me of a young Owen Quigg.
I am Owen Quigg.
That's the spirit.
You're gonna be massive.
Talk to you again.
Gotta go.
Prick.
Oh my God! Laura! You look amazing.
It's Kathryn.
I know.
Laura, she's finished.
Whitmore, forget about her.
It's over.
I have been saying that for years.
Between ourselves.
I think she has a face that only a mother could love.
I know.
By the way, I love your stuff on No Frontiers.
Keep it up.
That was 10 years ago.
You should stick to what you're good at.
Gotta go.
Okay.
Love you.
Gotta go.
Okay.
Love you.
Fuckin' eejit.
Laura hi.
I just met Kathryn.
She looks wrecked.
She looks like she's wearing a dress from Oxfam.
You're great on The Voice, by the way.
I gotta go.
Okay bye.
Mwuah.
Nadia! Oh my God! Louis hi! You look amazing.
You should be a singer.
I've sung in front of millions.
I have a single out.
Oh yeah, I heard you're single.
You're Irish royalty.
That's what we'll call the album.
Macllroyalty.
For f sake Louis.
But you look happy.
I am happy.
Happy doesn't sell.
You gotta be depressed.
Kill a pet.
Get the Ebola virus.
That's really in at the moment.
Gotta go.
Hello.
Sunday World, yeah.
2FM.
Who FM.
Nobody listens to them any more cos they're not playing any good music like my bands.
I'm never going to have anything to do with them ever again.
They're the station of the cross.
Gotta go.
Bye.
Ryan hello! I love 2FM.
You're the last bastion of proper music.
I've got Shane Filan's new record.
Will you play it on a loop? I love you guys.
I'm reformed notorious hot-head, Paul Galvin like.
Now that I'm now longer a teacher and I wasn't paid to be a sporting legend like when I should've been paid millions, I've had to resort to instructional videos! In this tape, I'll be teaching you my top tips on how to effectively manage your anger like.
Mmm.
You just popped into the shop to buy yourself a vintage skirt which you intend to wear as a head scarf and you return to find a man issuing a parking ticket.
So you politely decided to reason with him.
HERE! What are you doing?! I was only inside for half an hour! You can't park there.
I have to give you a ticket.
Typical.
This arrogant jackeen thinks he can patronise you so you begin to completely lose the rag.
Stop.
Take a long deep breath.
Then gently slap the notebook out of his hand.
Then you very calmly shoulder him barely in to the wall.
Anger managed.
It's a normal day.
You're having your lunch on your own, Tweeting about the ladies Autumn collection at H&M, but you're dissatisfied with your food.
So politely get the attention of the waiter.
HERE! This soup is freezing cold like.
I'm sorry sir but that's gazpacho.
It's traditionally served cold.
If you like I can get you something else.
Typical jackeen arrogant pup.
He wants to humiliate you so you're angry.
Stop.
Take a long deep breath.
Then gently slap the notebook out of his hand.
And fish hook him into your soup.
Anger managed.
Thanks for watching my instructional video like.
For more information on this or my fashion column, beard advice or indeed, to make offers of paid work, please see my website.
What are you doing? I'm on video here.
Do you want a slap? I'm after rear ending you.
What did you say to me? Your back doors are smashed to bits.
Is this a wind-up? What are you saying to me? Calm down.
Don't tell me to calm down! (SCREAMS) Welcome back to the RDS.
I would've gone back to the studio but there's no news or indeed anyone working in RTE.
It is August after all.
The top stories.
A Euromillions winner from Northern Ireland has pledged to give away all but 1 of her 34 million euro jackpot.
Which is just about enough to buy a 3 bedroom detached house in need of modernisation in South County Dublin.
Wonderful.
As soon as everybody with a third level degree left the country, we immediately invented another property bubble.
So different from Fianna Fail now, eh Fine Gael? Speaking of whom, Ireland's worst ever Taoiseach.
That's a title more hotly contested than the Aga Khan.
John Bruton has criticised the very act that brought this state into being.
He described the Easter Rising as completely unnecessary.
This criticism of the founding martyrs who died for Ireland comes from a man whose greatest achievements include taxing children's shoes, stalling the peace process during his premiership and calling for more austerity last year from the lofty highs of his 140,000 pension.
No wonder his younger brother Richard vanished from political life.
In other bitter rich politician news, Pat Rabitte says TDs elected 3 years ago aren't fit to be ministers.
Presumably he's worried they may still harbour the type of principles and dignity which Pat jettisoned decades ago.
Go away Pat Rabitte.
I will never mention you again! We'll have more later.
(ALARM SOUNDS) (MUSIC) Ah yeah Nicky.
Looking good.
You raise me up.
.
When you look like a cat.
Never thought I'd end up here.
Morning Bertie.
Still Taoiseach, yeah? No.
Howya Shane.
No, I'm Mark.
No wait, Nicky.
I'm married to your daughter.
Georginia.
She didn't marry the singer, no? No.
You're still earning the sterling though? No.
I'm just looking for the pan Bertie.
Ah no, no.
I threw that out.
Teflon wears off.
Just Coco Pops will do.
Yeah, no bother.
There you go Nicky.
Thanks.
Bye.
Morning Jay Nicky Byrne.
Morning D-D-Daddy.
Rocco Bertie Byrne.
Morning Daddy.
How are you I won it on the Nags Byrne.
Probably shouldn't have let your grandad come up with your middle name.
Ah Georgiana.
My beautiful northside rose.
We're just a normal family.
Great to enjoy the simple things in life.
Going to eat me Coco Pops now.
I'm gonna eat my Coco Pops, yeah? Took their bleedin' time, didn't they.
Come on.
Just going to have my breakfast now guys.
Your morning paper, Sir.
Your spoon Sir.
Begin.
Turn page.
Liverpool.
Turn page again.
Mmm.
Listen, if you're going out would you mind sticking a few grand on the nags for me? Thanks.
More on my exciting life later in the show.
I'm not just Ireland's premier newsreader you know.
It's a little known fact that I'm also the 5th cousin of a 3rd in line to the barony of Monasterboice.
Oh there you are.
I was just getting news deep in ladies.
.
day.
It's been a real eye and leg opener.
Sharon though, is more than just a woman.
She's also the quickest access to Wikipedia in the western hemisphere.
Watch this.
Israel! Israel is a country in Western Asia, currently illegally occupied.
.
Oh good God, no! Coming up after the break, some of this.
As Minister for Education Yan will do anything I tell her.
Go on, step into that puddle there.
Laugh.
Laugh Alex.
Shh.
It's a massive barony you know.
We'll see you in two minutes.
I literally own the news.
Oh Dobbo! Alex here has kept her promise as Minister for Communications by not saying a word.
He's also won best dressed man and/or woman.
Jan here is Minister for.
.
? Education.
What? Yeah.
No.
Oh no, that's right.
Shut up.
Anyway, Jesus.
.
As Minster for Education Jan will do anything I tell her.
Go on, step into that puddle.
Laugh.
Laugh Alex.
Sssh.
I didn't know you were the posh horsey sort of person, Tanaiste.
Oh no, as socialists we don't ride horses.
Just the working classes.
My current mounted choice, Accidental Alex, who's going to need a strong back bone because nothing says socialism quite like fracking and unwanted pylons.
Alex, do you have a message for Gay Byrne on his 80th birthday? Let me be the first.
.
Sssh.
Back to me.
Let me be the first and only person to wish Gay Byrne well in his retirement.
Which I presume means he's off to Denis O'Briens Newstalk, where journalists and bankrupts go to die.
Hi Denis! Hi Denis.
No, I do the waving.
Stop it.
Do you feel guilty for taking such a long summer recess at the height of the Gaza crisis? Of course I condemn.
.
No! I condemn in the strongest possible terms, Israel's disgraceful decision to hold a humanitarian crisis in the silly season.
If they're skilled enough to target hospitals and UN schools, they should be good enough to target September or October when we're back to work, more or less.
Everyone knows that politicians are on beaches in August.
Except for Pat Rabitte who's mortally petrified of the beach in case he's rolled back to see by Greenpeace or harpooned by Japanese flubber hunters again.
Thank you.
No more questions.
Stop it.
I wave! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Go raibh mile maith agaibh go leir.
I love you all.
How many more cake sales must one open for the Irish Countrywomen's Association.
It is so degrading.
I am the president.
We are the president.
They did an extraordinarily accurate portrayal of Angela's Ashes.
That wasn't a play.
That was actually the way they talk.
Such vulgarity among my subj.
.
My people.
Look at them out there.
Look how broken they are.
Shut up you and drink your Red Bull.
My word.
Go f yourself Papa Smurf.
Insolent child.
They've no respect for their betters.
If only RTE had fact checked that Tweet, it would've been that awful Gallagher chap putting up with all of this rather than moi.
I think you drop the accent, my little manin.
We're not in Windsor any more.
Would that one was, Sabina.
Lady Sabina.
Can you imagine me, a monarch.
His Majesty.
If I were a king.
.
I'd be Queen Sabina.
Even just for a day.
It's a lifetime job.
One would wake up in the Aras, have one's crown jewels polished and go.
May hope and history rise.
Make knights of the boys.
Arise Sir Poet.
Cailins would bend at the knee.
Long live King Mickey I.
Move the capital to Galway.
Rebuild Eyre Square with statues of me.
I'd put myself first.
Make up the rules as I went.
And my poetry would be on the Leaving Cert by pure accident.
If I were the chief.
I'd announce a degree.
Make it so.
That no-one born in Ireland can grow up taller than 4 foot 3.
My people.
Yes, if I were the king.
No more cake sales.
I'd replace sport with poetry.
Oh Heaney.
Outlaw hip-hop and country music.
And just for my amusement, I'd ban that blasted Rose of Tralee.
But I'm not the king.
Some day, some time my dreams will come true.
Here we are now, on time for the Mitchelstown Cheese Rolling Festival.
What? How many more years of this must I do before I hand over to Adams? What about Lady Miriam? Don't be silly.
She doesn't have the required stature.
She's far too tall.
Anyway, let's watch these mountain men fling Babybel at each other.
Savages.
Oh yes, how delightful.
I love Mitchelstown! Ah brother.
To what do I owe this rare pleasure? All hail the king, my s.
.
nephew.
How about ye.
I'm an awful wee bollocks.
And what gives you the right to be king, nephew? Cos I'm King Jodffrey.
It's the most Proddy name in the world, of Ulster Scots heritage and random sadistic acts.
Thank you, your grace.
That's my lovely boy.
I am Jerome Montmartre.
You must be Deneris Tygerian.
About ye.
I'm Dani Stormborn.
This is me Unsullied, so it is.
I've no willy.
Excellent.
And this here is me hot maid.
Your grace, if there's going to be this much talking perhaps we should take our clothes off.
Aye.
Dead on.
I pledge myself to thee.
Arise.
From now on you'll be known as Sir Friendzone.
Shite.
Nevertheless, I will always fight for you, Mother of Dragons.
Dragons? Are you well in the head? I'm the mother of wagons.
It's my own dress.
I got it from my own wardrobe.
It's my wardrobe.
It's not your wardrobe at all! I have made a terrible mistake.
Mammy! Mammy! There's a march coming from the north.
The walkers are on the move.
The orange walkers.
Oh they're a fright.
Wise up John Snow.
I'm bored walking around the woods for the last 4 series.
Nothing ever happens.
The kings don't even meet each other.
You know nothing, John Snow.
You haven't read the books.
I love you.
What are you at, you wench you.
I don't know.
Why does everyone die on this fuckin' show? Here, I need another tin of Tenants there, like a good wee man.
(COUGHS) You're after giving him Fenian lager.
You've poisoned him.
No! I'll never get over this! Unless I find another man with a few head of cattle.
My heart's broke.
My wee babby.
Fancy a ride, brother? Ulster says no.
I'll let you drop the red hand.
Ulster says aye, go on.
Ah Mammy, you're an awful hoor.
I'm the richest man in cabinet and this is my estate.
I'm passionate about health.
Not my own obviously.
But not matter what department I'm in charge of, there's one thing I love doing more than anything else.
Hello.
I'm James Reilly and I wreck things.
This is Joe and his very expensive Ming vase that's been in his family for generations.
This is Mister Sledgehammer.
Let's see what happens when the two meet.
But don't forget, I'm a qualified doctor so don't try this at home.
It seems like such a tragic waste but not as bad as the time we closed down all the A&E's around the country before we even built a single primary care centre to replace them.
If Reilly can't wreck it, it can't be wrecked.
If you're going on holiday, why not consider beautiful Balbriggan? And now for part 2 of Nicky's Exciting Life.
Yeah.
Working 11 to 2.
What a way to make a living.
Yeah.
Howya.
I'm Nicky.
People love to stare, don't they.
Must be the teeth.
"UPTOWN GIRL".
Okay cool.
Nicky.
Nicky.
If you just come a little closer to the mike there Nicky.
That's it.
Cool.
A little bit closer.
Hold on Jenny.
This mike is plugged in.
That means Okay, let's go on radio.
Good morning.
This is the Nicky Byrne Show with me (key change) Nicky Byrne.
And Jenny Green.
I think we've a friend of yours on the line there Nicky.
Brilliant.
It's Aidan Power, is it? Or Brian Ormond? Cian Egan.
Oh.
Howya.
It's Cian of the Jungle.
How's radio? You weren't good enough for TV, what? Is 2FM shut down yet? Howya Cian.
What do you want? I'm in LA hanging out, calling you from my gold plated iPhone 6.
How's mingin' Dublin? How's your wife's band that you're managing? Still gorgeous.
How's yours? The hot bird that writes the books.
No wait.
You married her sister.
Anyway fantastic.
Let's have a couple of Tweets.
Tweet time.
This one comes in from @JoeLetterkennyPlumber.
He says the Nicky Byrne Show isn't very good at all.
Yeah, we'll it's better than yours mate.
Let's leave it there for Tweet time.
That's it for the end of the show.
Tune in tomorrow everyone.
Bye! Great.
Fantastic.
Great craic.
See you tomorrow guys.
Let's go for lunch Jenny.
Jenny? I miss the lads.
Except for Cian.
There you are.
You're back.
That's all we've got time for.
For the full uncut version of Game of Thrones logon to Callan's Kicks Facebook and Twitter.
We'll be back next week.
Now go back to sleep Ireland.
Sharon got kicked by Cian O'Connor's horse.
I don't know where she is.
Oh Sharon! Oh no, she's gone the full dog's dinner.
I have to catch her before the paparazzi get her.
Sharon! Control alt delete! Shutdown.
Reset.