Camp Camp (2016) s01e05 Episode Script

Journey to Spooky Island

1 Insert spoopy music here wolf howling David: The thing drew closer, With its inhuman breathing, and claws clicking against the floor with each step Desperately, The young boy pulled the sheet off the creature to reveal THE DOG THAT GOT TANGLED UP IN HIS LAUNDRY! Booooo! And THAT'S why you should always Properly fold and put away your laundry.
Well, uh, it was scary when it happened to me.
I was VERY innocent and impressionable back then! So, last week? What's scary is how much I want to kill myself right now.
Okay, okay, I got this.
So once, there was this girl, that no one really understood- So help me if this involves vampire romance.
I-it could've been werewolves.
You dunno! Here's a horror story, Go look at the job market you're dealing with After this camp shuts down.
So nothing scares you, Max? Nikki eating loudly Not even ghosts? People in sheets got me concerned, But nah, not even ghosts.
Just not a screamer.
What about space ghosts-eh oh-that's strange Uhh, mission control, I don't feel so good.
gurgling noises Screams Screams Growls Wait a minute! How is it that you weren't even fazed by THAT? Might've help if I hadn't put it in his suit to begin with.
Alright, tough guy, So you think you're so- Moaning and wailing Tough? Wh-what do you think about that moaning and wailing? Pssh, it's just teenagers from that church camp working on those repressions again.
Not that I know anything about it, Just being a kid and all.
AHHHH, what about that ghost ship? Whoosh-more moaning and wailing General screaming and distress Pirate camp's practicing night sailing.
Arrr mateys! Scary rustling in the underbrush Uh, guuuuuuys? GUYS! Please be puppy (x4) What the blue ball blazes is happenin' here? general screaming and distress OOOOOOOOOOOHH!!! There's a place I know that's tucked away, A place where you and I can stay, Where we can go to laugh and play, And have adventures every day! I know it sounds hard to believe, but guys and gals, it's true! Camp Campbell is the place for me and you! We'll swim through lakes and climb up trees, Catch fish, bugs, bears, and honeybees! There's endless possibilities, AND NO, THAT'S NOT HYPERBOLE! Our motto's "Campe Diem," and that means I'm telling yoooooouuuu.
We've got: Archery, Hiking, Search-and-Rescue, Biking, Horseback-riding, Training that will save you from a heart-attack, Scuba-diving, Miming, Football, Limbo, Science, Stunting, Pre-calc, Spaceships, Treasure Hunting, Bomb defusal, No refusal, Fantasy, Circus Trapeze, and Fights and Ghosts a It's Camp Camp! Oh! Whew! Hey, Quartermaster.
Someun' out here killin' campers? We're fine, QM.
We're just having some good old campfire scary stories is all.
So no dead campers then? Nope! We're good! Damn Blink And to be sure; no one's doin' anything stupid, Like trying to get over to SPOOKY ISLAND Dramatic sting and thunder What? No, of course not! Not even on the night of the new moon, right? When ghosts walk the island, an' demons rise from the pit, an' aliens kidnap any trespassers an' probe their tender- Ohohoho, okay We get it, don't we, kids? Anuses.
I was gonna say "Anuses.
" What's with space case? Squirrel-splosion.
Ah.
So the revolution has begun.
Well, best be gittin' you back to the camp for a rabies shot.
Aww, not again Heed my words: You better stay away from Spooky Island, no reason to go there, definitely not spooky, stay awaaaayyy.
You think he's hiding something? Uh, YES? Gasp! Maybe it was the ghost he was talking about! Could you IMAGINE meeting one!? Pssh, ghosts don't exist.
You die, and then you're faced with eternal nothingness.
It's gonna be great.
HOW DO YOU KNOW? YOU'VE NEVER DIED! Ooh, could you imagine being the first person to find a ghost?! Gasp! Or a MONSTER?! You'd make the cover of Science Magazine! Hey! That's a magazine about Science! SHUT UP! There's nothing to be afraid of! And I'll prove it.
Ominous Music Alright, Spook-hunters! Let's hunt some Spooks! Don't say that Do we actually have a detective team name now? Ooh! We need a theme song! Plays a spooky theme on the pocket theremin WHAM clunk HEY! Do you know how hard it is to find a good pocket theremin?! I'm counting on it.
Now focus! Unless that's your backup singer, we've already got company.
Screaming More Screaming Who the hell are you? Me? I'm Jasper.
But who are you? What are you doing here? This is the last place you want to be on a night like this Real spooky night.
Terrible creatures seek out the mansion, And the wailing Oh, gosh the wailing And then the bumping in the night starts, And they bump, and they bump, and Hey, where'd you go? Muack.
Spooky Organ music plays Whoa What is this place? Looks like Campbell's old summer home.
Moaning and wailing What the hell was THAT?! I told you, dude! There are THINGS inside THINGS!?! Like monsters?! I knew it! Wait, are you guys here to help stop the monsters? Are you like a gang of mystery solvers? Like the Harlem Globetrotters?! Pretty much.
Oh wow, you guys got a theme song? We're working on it.
Radical.
Look, man, you're kinda ruining our dynamic.
We're a comedy TRIO.
Besides, there's nothing inside.
THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE! Spookiness and thunder A MONSTER!!! Yawn.
We'll see who's yawning when we're all DEAD! Why would we? Wham ALRIGHT, SASQUATCH! LET'S TANGO! Growl THUNDER! Neil and Jasper scream Calm down, the storm just tripped the power.
Aww If only I had my L.
A.
gear light-up shoes "They light up the night!" Wonderful Screaming It's a stuffed bear! Oh Screaming It's a SECOND stuffed bear! Oh That seems redundant.
Yeah, and I think endangered Let's just get the power back on Right! We shall not waver on our quest for the undead! Nikki, there is NOTHING HERE.
Hmm.
Neil screaming again.
NEIL! The hell'd you do?! Don't have a cow, man! I'm just trying to be part of the gang Neil: Oh my god, you have to get in here quick! Neil! What is it?! It's beautiful.
A lab! Do you know how long it's been since I was in a real lab? This is where I wanted to be this summer! Oh, my sweet science! Weird science, more like.
Check it.
Oh, that's much- Everyone screamingexcept Max B-movie horror music ALRIGHT! THAT'S IT! I'M DONE! You can't go yet! You still have to rid the Island of the EVIL! Yeah, come on Neil, shake it off! Don't lose your sense of ADVENTURE! I AM NOT ABOUT THIS SHIT, NIKKI! SCIENCE HAS ITS LIMITS! Don't be so naive.
This is mild experimentation at best.
You have any idea what goes into fast food? splash splash Probably that.
Ominous moaning and wailing gasp! The tormented souls of the dearly departed! And look! A trail of hair and blood! DUN DUN! WHO CARES?! It's just going to be a wounded dog, or some other coincidental, colossal waste of time! You're just sca~ared! I am not Scared.
I feel like we've established this by now.
Max is sca-ared! Max is sca-ared! Max is DUN DUN DUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!! Oh jesus fucking lord Whelp! We made it, Nikki! Are you happy now?! IDon'tWannaBeHere.
You know what? On second thought, maybe the evil's unstoppable.
We should all go home.
We could play some Pogs! Forget this ever happened! Oh, no! We have to find "Ghosts and Monsters," remember? Idon'twannabehere Max, come on! This is way too spooky No, it isn't.
You know what this is? Proof that the founder of Camp Campbell is a rich piece of shit with terrible morals.
And who also potentially kills people! ALL THINGS I WAS ALREADY PRETTY SURE OF! Idon'wannabehere.
BUT THE MONSTER! THE WAILS! YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT! A-actually.
Moans and wails, spookier this time Jasper and Neil screaming again.
THE HELL I CAN'T! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WAIT! There is no such thing as monsters! There's no such thing as ghosts! And there.
IS NOTHING.
TO BE.
AFRAID OF!!! Don't! I WARNED YEEEEEOOOOUUUUU, CHIIIILLLDD!!!!!! Max Felt Regret as His Eye Twitches from being permanently scarred from this moment forth In a Girly Tone .
.
.
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Grumble QM: Ruined my night.
Probably next one too.
Guess that goes to show that sometimes, the only thing scarier than monsters and ghosts Is real life.
Specifically old people having sex.
Weird, kinky sex.
In a dungeon.
Boy, that is That is some dark shit.
Anyway Muack.
Awesome Ending Music