Camping (US) (2018) s01e07 Episode Script

Birthday Party (Part 1)

1 It's great to get a break from the group.
- Are you having fun? - No.
GEORGE: Relationships are hard.
It's like this hike.
I'm still panting after our emotional climb.
And I was also bitten by a snake.
- When? - It's a metaphor! Kathryn, your sister is missing.
Walter, are you using a tone with me? A little bit, yes.
JANDICE: I'm not having any fun.
I should go back to LA.
- No, LA sucks.
- This trip sucks.
Walt, what's the missus's diagnosis? Is it plain old psychosis? WALT: Kathryn's physically troubled but she's mentally quite sound.
I don't judge you for the choices you made.
I'm 100 percent normal.
[MELLOW MUSIC] I thought you'd at least get decorations from a a Paper Source or something.
Do they not suffice? It's fine.
Excuse me.
I should have known to just take care of it myself.
Okay, can everyone go get changed? From one pair of shorts to another pair of shorts? Did you not read in the packing guide where it said "festive garb"? Festive means different things to to different people.
It feels weird to have a party while Carleen is still missing.
Uh, it's been approximately five hours since she made a run for it, and though she dresses like a toddler, she is, in fact, a grown woman.
This is what Carleen does.
She steals focus.
I spent the day walking through dry brush, so if anyone should be angry, it should be me.
Ugh, don't I know it? I was walking too.
You slunk, actually.
Uh, Kathryn, I do appreciate all your work, but it does feel kind of odd.
I-I don't know if we can enjoy anything with one woman down.
Yeah.
Thanks, Walt.
I-I-I looked everywhere.
I really looked everywhere.
Why don't I believe that? For an old shit, he actually looked pretty hard.
Thank you.
Guys, let's rally.
Come on, we came here to party.
We're not gonna poop out before the actual party starts.
Fuck, yes, you guys.
Kathryn is right.
It is Walt's birthday.
Don't try to skirt our tension by agreeing with me.
Guys, it's Walt's birthday.
So get your fashion pants on.
Let's blow the roof off this barn.
Come on.
Oh.
Uh, a quick note about the roof, okay? It cannot handle too much.
It's it's historic, which means it's It's very dangerous.
Okay, sir, let's vacate so these adults can party.
Okay, kids, it is Walt's birthday.
Walter, the man we came here to celebrate.
- Over here.
- Of course you are.
And this is your party.
And we all love the hell out of you, and and we have a birthday cake the size of a husky toddler, and I packed a new dress, so you all go and splash some cold water on your fucking sour faces.
And let's meet back in the barn! Yee-haw, goddammit! - Yee-haw! - Except for you.
Jandice, you can't come.
You are disinvited.
Okay, you can't be serious right now.
I'm as much a part of this group as you are.
I mean, ask anybody here.
I'm like the heartbeat of this group.
Uh, no, no.
You're your own special group of people who gave my son a partial concussion, of people who grunted all night and kept me from getting a REM sleep, of people who dragged me out into the woods where you admitted to being a pathological liar.
Oh, no, I lied, and then I confessed to it two hours later, which actually makes me rigorously honest.
That is so rigorous, Jandie.
Miguel, shut your face.
Okay.
The border wall goes up between us.
You already said that you weren't speaking to me, and then you spoke to me, so why should I believe you'll start stopping now? [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] You may have some birthday cake, but you can never have my friendship.
Can you get dressed, please? We have enough yellow.
Walter! - You okay? - I'm good.
[SCOFFS] - So I like this one.
- Yes.
- And this.
- Sure.
Let's see, yeah.
[SLURPS] That one? See if you can get that to play.
Okay, does anyone wanna do a line dance? Nope, nope, nope, I don't.
My common-law wife is missing, so no.
Okay, well, it's a convenient time to start using the term "wife.
" Should we do cake? "Should we do cake?" Should we do cake? It's not even 8:30.
We have to dance, and we have to do assorted talents, we have to toast you, and then we can do cake.
Miguel, do your talent.
- Okay.
- Go on.
This is for you, mi amore.
[LAUGHS] [SINGING IN ITALIAN] [GIACOMO PUCCINI'S "NESSUN DORMA"] Okay, okay.
Okay, never mind.
That was disgusting.
Talents are cancelled.
Guys, what would make you all have some fun? You all look like you either wanna leave or cry or do drugs.
Well, I-I bet you'd all love to have Jandice's drugs just thrown right in your mouth.
I bet you're sick of knowing your own name and just wish you were on drugs.
[LAUGHS] Well, Walt hates his birthday.
- So congrats.
- What? Do you, buddy? You hate your birthday? Yeah.
I mean, no.
I-I want to do what Kathryn had planned.
Who the fuck cares about what Kathryn had planned? Hey, it's been a long day.
Yeah.
Yeah, these are all long days.
Every single one of these days has been a long day.
We're all struggling, but you don't see anybody else bein' a bitch.
- What? - Whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah, I said it.
Kathryn's a bitch.
- Hey, come on.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, man.
Let's keep the language a little fucking polite, huh? Okay, you guys, remember how Kathryn, a minute ago, mentioned drugs? - Yes.
- I have an idea.
Let's do drugs.
- Mm.
- Aha.
We can all feel that the energy in here is super weird.
We're not communicating effectively.
She's making a good point.
I have some super pure MDMA.
Mm.
And I was waiting for the right moment.
I never thought it would arise in this camp.
But now I Well, I don't I don't think that's really necessary.
- I mean, drugs.
- Oh, I don't know, Walt.
It could turn the vibe around.
I got it from my friend who got it from the guy who invented it.
Kathryn's not gonna like it if we take drugs.
It was essentially her idea.
I'm literally just echoing what she was already saying.
Kathryn.
- Sure.
- What? Fine, sure.
I mean, what-fucking-ever.
This night couldn't get any worse.
This trip couldn't get any worse.
So let's take drugs.
- Let's do drugs.
- Right.
- Fine.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Walt, hold on.
I mean, I've done heroin before.
You know, I snorted it, but still.
I'm sorry.
- Okay.
- Whatever you want.
- I feel like - Whatever kind of Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Chill, right? - Just start with one.
- Just chill.
- One is fun.
- Just fucking chill.
[INXS'S "NEED YOU TONIGHT"] I'm lonely Whatcha gonna do I'm gonna live my life [BOTH GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY] So slide over here [LAUGHS] When did you last take drugs? Well, we did pot the month we got together.
- Oh, uh-huh.
- Remember? I hated it.
Yeah.
I ate a chili cheeseburger and then cried to "Seinfeld," but it turned out to be "ER," so - Huh.
- [LAUGHS] [GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY] [VOCALIZING] Your moves are so raw I sure hope you're not mad at me still.
Not at all especially since you gave me permission to have sex with someone else.
[LAUGHS] Oh, I forgot.
Good luck with that.
Watch and learn.
This is gonna be so much easier on ecstasy.
How do you feel I'm lonely What do you think - May I cut in? - Ah! Can't think at all Who are you talking to? Is this seat taken? What seat? [LAUGHTER] Everything you're saying right now is so confusing! [LAUGHS] I wanna make love to you.
[LAUGHS] What is he saying, Jandie? He wants to make love to me.
Do you want to make love to him? I don't.
[LAUGHS] - Mm, good.
- I don't.
'Cause that would fucking hurt me, man.
- [LAUGHS] - [LAUGHS] It's not about you, Miguel.
It's not always about Miguel.
I know, baby, I know.
But what about us? Okay, listen to me.
The train has already left the station.
The train is on the track.
The train is now texting with a guy who looks like a young Kris Kristofferson.
Let's just say I am now emotionally back on Tinder.
[LAUGHS] [GASPS] Oh, my God.
I've never done the splits before! I'm lonely You know, Nan said I could never be a mother, but we'll see about that.
I'm gonna babysit you so hard your balls drop.
- What? - You know what? Erase that.
And don't tell your mom I let you use my nail gun, okay? [CONCRETE BLONDE'S "JOEY"] Joey Baby Don't get Crazy Nina-Joy, I have something so important to tell you.
You do? Yeah.
I just I crawled all the way over from there when I realized it.
[LAUGHS] Why didn't you just walk? I don't know.
[LAUGHS] That's a good question.
Ah, you're so smart.
Thank you.
That's nice.
I wanted to apologize.
- Are you fucking kidding? - No! I've been trying to apologize all weekend, and not just verbally.
I made you something.
An apology doesn't mean anything if you don't take responsibility or examine your part in things.
I know.
I did.
That's why the crawling.
I know why I told.
Because you're not a very good human? Oh, Joey I was jealous.
I just saw you every day just glowing and full of life and passion and energy and happiness, and I hated you for it.
And I asked you what skin cream you use, 'cause I thought that was it, and you said, "It's not a skin cream.
I'm just getting fucked.
" I couldn't imagine that I would ever fuck anyone again and be happy about it.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] That's it.
That's why I did it.
At least, I think.
Honestly, I just came up with it.
[INHALES DEEPLY] That makes sense.
Okay.
But if I seem to be confused I didn't mean Do you have a cig? Excuse me? Do you have a cigarette? I know you secret smoke.
[WHISPERS] I can smell it.
[LAUGHS] Okay.
[NAUGHTY BY NATURE'S "HIP HOP HOORAY"] Hip hop hooray Hey, ho Hey, ho Hey, ho, hey, ho You drew a picture of my morning But you couldn't make my day, hey I'm rockin' and you're yawning But you never look my way You've been a bad, bad girl, Jandie.
Fiona Apple style.
[BOTH LAUGH] - Oh, have I? - Oh.
[LAUGHS] You know you have.
'Cause good girls don't hand out drugs at parties.
Oh.
Then what makes it a party? Don't lamp with a freestyle phantom I'm not a monster.
I know you're not a monster, Joe.
For today I give props to hip-hop I have a boner.
And I'm super sad about Carleen, and that's weird.
Well, it's totally natural.
It's a it's a sadness boner.
[BOTH LAUGH] Down, boy.
- Oh - [LAUGHS] Mm.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING] Yeah, I barely smoke now, 'cause George and I are trying for a baby, especially since we're past the Braylen thing.
Wow, that's amazing.
That's such great news, NJ.
Here then.
George wants to fuck someone else.
Good, then you don't have to fuck him.
Some of us wanna fuck our husbands.
Oh.
I'm lying.
I don't want that either.
[BOTH LAUGHING] [JAZZY MUSIC PLAYS] I don't like this movie.
What? This is "Body Heat.
" Do you see that guy? That's William Hurt.
From "Children of a Lesser God.
" Exactly.
Now, here, he plays inept lawyer Ned Racine, and he's trying to weather a thick Florida heatwave.
But here's the thing, O-Ring.
We got some naked bodies coming up.
They're featured prominently, but not gratuitously.
It's all about advancing the story.
My mom says if I see a naked person in a movie, I should scream.
[LAUGHS] Well, that does not surprise me, considering the source.
Your mom, man.
[SIGHS] She got a clenched beauty.
Nudity is natural.
It's beautiful, as long as both parties are psyched the hell up about it.
Do you understand? - I do.
- Good.
Can I see your boobs? Oh, not a fucking chance dot com, little man.
- All right.
- All right.
Kids will get their heads stuck between stair banisters, and that's it.
They'll just you'll come home, and you'll just find them hanging there from the stairs.
[HORN HONKS] What the - Hi! - Wha Oh, hi! Oh, my gosh! - Hi.
- Hello.
- You're alive.
- Hello.
So good to see you.
Oh, this is just surreal.
Ah.
Oh, that feels so good.
Where the hell have you been? Where haven't I been, Kathryn? I got so lost.
This nice boy saved my life.
Ah! I was nearly starving by the side of the road, and none of you even came to look for me.
No, no, no.
Everyone came to look for you.
I mean, I didn't, but the others did.
Yes, I spent hours and hours in the dry brush looking - and looking and looking.
- Yeah.
I mean, it boned my whole day.
Well, thank you, kind sir.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hey, NJ.
[SALT-N-PEPA'S "PUSH IT"] Ah, push it Ah ah! Sorry.
- [LAUGHS] - Bad aim.
I would not take you for a wine drinker.
Ah! [LAUGHS] - I'm a wine-chugger.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- [LAUGHS] - A wine - [GURGLING] [LAUGHING] Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT] Carleen.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
Oh, Carleen! Ah, my love.
Ah, my angel.
Carleen, hi.
We were all so worried ab That you'd become a truck stop whore.
That's what happens to cute dummies on the loose.
- I was lost.
- [LAUGHS] I had to eat flowers and grubs.
[LAUGHING] You're high.
Yeah, we're all high.
I can feel my tongue.
It's fat.
Salt-N-Pepa, Salt-N-Pepa Salt-N-Pepa's here Wait.
Salt, Salt, Salt, Salt-N-Pepa's Who are you? I'm Braylen.
I know who you fucking are.
I'm Braylen, and I'm here to tell Nina-Joy that I love her.
I cannot live any longer without her.
I tried to find a new love.
I tried to make better choices, seek people who were emotionally available.
I dated a single mother, a physical therapist, and one of David Hasselhoff's daughters, and nothing compared to what I had with her.
Braylen, come on.
I can't.
We WhatsApp'd about this.
I have to see it through with George.
He is the person I chose.
And I gotta keep trying for us.
E-even if that doesn't make sense You piece of shit! You asshole! You bitch! Fucking asshole! You raven hair havin' little slug! I'm gonna park you bald! - George, George.
- Huh? George.
I know you're hurt, but you don't have to hurt me.
Oh, I'm gonna hurt you.
I'm gonna fucking hurt you! Yes! Ah.
Lay off him, man.
- Huh? - Oh! He's just a kid.
You lay off me, man! You take your fat hamburger hands off me.
Don't you dare fucking touch me! [PANTING] That's it.
I'm done.
What? I told you if you ever did that again, I was done.
I meant it.
I am sick of all your rage.
I'm done.
This is the drugs talking, babe.
I have never been more sober.
I could drive a fucking school bus.
[PENSIVE MUSIC] Braylen, let's go to my tent.
Seriously? I-I just thought I'd have to pitch myself harder.
I have more to say, and also, uh, you should know that I still don't have insurance.
That's fine.
You're a freelancer.
Wait.
Wait.
[SOBBING] Oh, God.
Look at you, you pathetic fucking loser.
Your woman doesn't even wanna be with you.
Neither does yours.
- Carleen, don't - No.
I'm done too.
You said you would behave for the rest of the trip.
You said you'd at least try.
I try I everyone else did drugs too.
You're not everyone.
Everyone else can do what they want, because everyone else isn't you.
Do you want some, honey? Yeah.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING] [PHONE CHIMES] I'm in here.
I'm in here.
[LAUGHTER] Um, hey.
Hey.
[LAUGHTER] [UPBEAT MUSIC] [MOANING] How good am I at this? On a scale of one to ten? [LAUGHS] You're this many.
[GROANING] Concentration.
Uh, uh, uh.
No there's a there's a rhythm to it.
- I got it.
- Uh, uh, uh, uh.
Mm, mm.
Mm, mm, mm.
Concentration six No, no, you do every You're definitely using a different rhythm.
I'm not.
Every time you start.
Uh, uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh.
Uh, uh, uh.
Hey, Carleen.
Oh, hello.
Where were you today? I got lost in the woods after I ran away, trying to prove that no one would notice I was gone.
I really missed you.
[LAUGHS] Thank you.
That's sweet.
I think you're a really special person, Carleen, and I don't think that Joe sees you in the way that you're meant to be seen.
[MOANING] Let me cut to the chase here.
I want you.
I want to run my hand down your When are we doing our talents? Uh, oh, I-I think everyone just decided to scratch that.
I-I want you and Listen up, everybody! We are doing our talents.
It is talent show time.
Oh, no, no, this The talents were cancelled.
And we didn't have a proper election, but everyone pretty much decided with their eyes and their shitty attitudes.
I'm really fine, Carleen.
I really I-I Your present is presence enough.
- Indeed.
- Sit the fuck down, jerks.
We're already sitting.
Tonight is Walter's night, and we have shown him about as much respect as we have shown Mother Earth on this trip, which is zero.
So.
I got a ticket for the Walt way 'round Two bottles whiskey for the Walt And I sure would like Some Walt company We're gonna miss him when he's gone When he's gone When Walt's gone Oh, my God.
This is really uncomfortable.
- Let's please leave.
- No way.
We're gonna Walt him by his hair We're gonna Walt him everywhere We're gonna Walt him when he's gone - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [LAUGHS] - Aw.
- That was great.
Whoo! Carleen, that was so great.
- Mm.
- Aw.
Thank you.
I learned it from YouTube.
Oh, man, Carleen.
That really hit me where I live.
Where do you live? I live with Nina-Joy.
Or I used to.
[LIGHT MUSIC] [QUIET GIGGLING] Okay, I'm sorry that was so insane.
I knew these people were crazy, but I didn't think I was inviting you to, like, a geriatric rave.
Don't be sorry.
It's weirdly kind of adorable when old people try to, like, capture their youth.
It's like seeing 30-year-olds at Coachella.
- [LAUGHS] - Anyway, your mom is really good at "Cups.
" After "Pitch Perfect," I tried to learn it, but I basically sucked.
Well, she's not my mom.
She's like my stepmom, except they aren't married, but she's nice.
- Where's your mom? - In a coffin.
Oh.
Sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
I think I was trying to act tough.
It was really stupid to put it like that.
She died three years ago.
It's basically the worst thing that ever happened to me.
I guess that's obvious.
Oh, my God.
I can't shut up.
No, no, no, don't stop.
It's it's sweet and, like, really morbid.
I mean, I guess that's not an obviously good combination, but it it really works on y [SOFT MUSIC] [LAUGHS] [SPEAKING SPANISH] [UPBEAT MUSIC] Whoa, whoa.
Hey, what? What are you come on, man.
- Don't touch me.
- What are you doing? - Don't ever.
- [LAUGHTER] - Oh! - Ah! [LAUGHING] Why is this funny? What is the joke? I don't get the joke.
Why is it funny? This is funny.
What? How about this, you asshole? Where is this coming from? Sometimes you are just so awful that I have to show you by throwing cake at you.
Sometimes I have to cover up your meek little mousy face! Why do you have to be such a B all the time? You're the B.
Then you're the C.
Oh, F you, Carleen.
F you! Why do you have to be so abusive to me? I'm trying to help! Why do you insist on being so meek? Maybe that's just me.
Why do you have to be so controlling about everything? Well, who else is gonna do it? Why did you move to Arizona? To get away from you.
[SOMBER MUSIC] Whoa! Spooky sounds in the outhouse.
I hung out there way too long.
Ooh, what the cock-a-doodle-doo is that? Hey, my angel.
Hi, Walter.
My own Walter.
My own special man.
- Yeah, I am indeed.
- Hi.
- Yeah.
- How you holding up? I'm amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- So good.
Carleen got a little cranky with me, but - Yeah? - I don't know.
I feel like, despite it all, we really pulled this trip off.
Oh, yeah.
We really did, honey.
- I think we did.
- You see? When you and me are a real team, you see what we can do? When we put our heads and our hearts together, - we are - Unstoppable.
- We are unstoppable.
- Unstoppable.
Oh, yeah.
I love you.
I love you.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC] - I love you.
- I love you.
[BOTH MUMBLING SOFTLY] Did you know chickens die when they have sex? They do? The one I fucked did.
[BOTH LAUGHING] Nina-Joy and I made up.
We're friends.
- Fantastic news.
- Yeah, and you know why? [BOTH LAUGHING] We realized neither one of us want to fuck our husbands.
That's [LAUGHS] That is what we bonded over.
[LAUGHING] I mean, yeah, right? You know what, Kathryn? Go fuck yourself.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] (WHISPERING) Walter.
Mm.
No.
What is your problem? You said you wanted sex, I'm giving you sex.
(WALTER BLOWS RASPBERRY) I think we could spend the summer in Wales.
I'm trying to get this grant to study Welsh pentameter.
I realized I hadn't really heard you speak all that much up until now.
Can't you just admit that you like Jandice? This is all your fault.
You ruined everything.
(SHOUTS) KATHRYN: I hate you! - WALTER: Kathryn? - Oh my God.
Don't sue us.
Ohh