Captain Fall (2023) s01e05 Episode Script

Je Suis Tanner

[epic music playing]
- Flat screwdriver, please.
- Roger.
Thanks. Wow, this is one nice tool.
Just as I like my screwdrivers,
nice and flat, sits good in the glove.
Yeah, sure.
And the jumbo size crowbar, please.
Wow, that is truly huge.
Over seven feet long.
I guess few have seen
such a huge crowbar before, but, uh
that's the size we use here in space.
It's a decent size, yes,
uh, but concentrate on grabbing it.
- Don't talk so much.
- Oops.
Oh man, I didn't get that. Tool lost.
I repeat. We lost a tool. Goddamn it.
Great job.
Now it'll orbit for two and a half years
before entering Earth's atmosphere.
Heads up down there. In a while.
Sorry, fellas. That was my bad.
Yeah, obviously.
- Hey, Mamadou!
- Hi, Mamadou!
Wow. Look at you guys. [laughs]
You got yourself similar necklaces.
But what's the deal
with those fake fingers?
Oh, they are real.
These are albino charms.
Actually cost a fortune.
What? You have actually bought
that horrible witchcraft crap?
Yeah. Been weighing
the pros and cons for a while,
but we finally decided to go for it.
They're for good luck.
For good luck? You have a master's degree,
for Christ's sake.
You are a man of science! A scholar!
So what?
There are more things in Heaven and Earth
than are dreamt of
in your philosophy, Mamadou.
But why would an albino finger
bring you luck? Huh?
That is just gruesome and superstitious.
Well, at least I dared to be
a little politically incorrect
instead of just going with
what the majority seems to think
at all times.
Yeah. Live a little, Mamadou.
You're walking around with blinders.
Uh-uh-uh, and what if
it actually works, Mamadou, eh?
What if it gives me the luck
to maybe find my soulmate
or get filthy rich
in some cool, random way?
Do you want
to take that away from me? Really?
Keep living in the Dark Ages, guys.
Ah, forget about progress and science.
Great job.
You should just embrace
that people believe in different things.
It's called freedom of religion.
Yes. And you know what Socrates said?
The only true wisdom
is knowing you know nothing.
Mm, that is actually true.
Yes, exactly.
So maybe we are right
and you are wrong, Mamadou. Who knows?
Can't you just try it on, Mamadou?
Just for one minute, and we'll see
if something lucky happens, huh?
Yeah, just for fun. Here, have mine.
- No.
- Come here, Mamadou.
- This is just stupid.
- [woman laughs]
Come on. What's the worst thing
that could happen, eh?
That you get equal luck
as you already have?
Careful! I don't want
that dead finger touching me.
Mamadou, come here. Let's see, here.
Now, feeling lucky yet?
- No.
- Hmm?
I'm not feeling anything.
- [yelling]
- What the
- [screaming] Ah!
- Oh my God, he's dead. Oh no, no, no.
Oh. Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
- Ahh.
[frantic string music playing]
- Good morning.
- Hi!
Captain? Oh, Captain!
Hi, you're probably very busy,
but may I bother you for a second?
Sure, ma'am. What can I do you for?
Just a photo with the most handsome man
on board. [chuckles]
- If that's not too much to ask.
- Okay, who is he? Can I find him for you?
[woman laugh]
He's hilarious. It's you, silly!
Me? [chuckles]
What? Are you Are you being serious now?
- Yeah.
- [both giggle]
Of course.
Um Uh, sorry. It's just, um
that I was always told
that I wasn't, uh, exactly, um
you know, so something
to, uh, rest your eyes on.
- But, you know, sure. Sure thing. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Happy to.
- Um
Say cheese.
[Jonathan and woman] Cheese!
Yes. Mm-hmm.
Yes, no, of course, Mr. Tyrant.
They are rare. They are in demand,
and the price per finger is astronomical,
I see that,
but isn't this still a bit
We will provide this service.
We cannot let personal morality
clutter our judgment.
Morality is just
a subjective feeling, Liza.
You have to learn to suppress it
if you want to succeed
in this line of business.
Uh, noted, sir.
[Tyrant] Besides,
they will never even board the ship.
We will only use the Caribbean Queen
to lure them out of hiding.
[Tyrant] And try to focus on all the luck
it will bring to people all over.
I'm trying.
[Tyrant] We are aiding people in need,
giving them a glimmer of hope
in a strife-torn world.
[Liza] Mm.
[Tyrant] This is us
giving back to society. Almost.
[Liza] Yeah. Maybe it is possible
to look at it like that.
[Tyrant] It sure is. Make it happen.
- Yes, sir, I w
- [line beeps]
Hello? Hello, sir?
[softly] Fuck.
[Tanner] Consuela!
I want my breakfast. Chop-chop!
It is on your plate, Mr. Fall the Younger.
[Tanner] You have not made my breakfast
if you have not cut my toast!
You know this. It's your job!
It has been your job for 30 years!
You are not my boss, with all due respect.
No, not technically,
but you get paid by my father to do this.
He is not here, and since I am his heir,
I'm indirectly your superior,
and you're under my jurisdiction.
Well, your dad is my employer,
and, uh, he's just out in the garden.
Do not talk back to me, Consuela,
because then I'll have to petition
to get your tubby ass fired
if you don't fall in line,
and I don't wanna do that.
Okay, Tanner. Finish your breakfast.
Oh-ho! It's all fun and games
till you're fired, Consuela.
[pigeons coo]
[engine starts]
Yeah! Fuck you, birds!
[tires squeal]
Hey, girls.
How about a ménage à trois at nap time?
Um Come again, sir?
I said, let's fornicate
when the babies are asleep.
That's a hard pass. Sorry.
- Oh, come on!
- Can you believe this guy?
It's not like
you're two innocent virgins walking here.
Everyone can see
that you've done it before.
Hence the babies.
How about screw you?
You're obviously not strangers
to the old intercourse,
so what's the problem
with letting me have a little go?
I'm sorry, what's wrong with you, sir?
Do you have a condition or something?
Should Should we
- Should we call someone?
- Uh!
- Nothing is wrong with me.
- [car horn beeps]
I'm just a handsome devil
making a tempting proposition.
No, I don't think so.
Something is definitely wrong with you
because that's just gotta be
the worst proposition
in the history of propositions.
All right, your loss, ladies.
But know this, I've been known
to turn the driest desert
into the sloppiest quagmire. [chuckles]
Peace out!
- [car horn blares]
- Hey! Hey!
Ladies first.
No, no, no, you go right ahead, Captain.
I insist.
Damn. Now, that's a tight ass.
Like a drumskin.
- [slaps]
- [gasps]
Kudos to you. You have earned my respect.
Oh, hi there, Ms. Barell! Check this out.
Now everyone on the bridge
will remember the difference
between port and starboard side.
Oh. Okay, that's great.
Yes, there have been
some unfortunate incidents
when crew members've misremembered,
which has led to hazardous episodes
and some injuries both to crew,
passengers, docks, and the ship.
And I have been involved
in a number of them.
I'm not gonna lie, so, you know,
I'm not perfect by any means.
No, no, but that is smart anyway.
It will help everyone.
- Do you want some assistance with that?
- Sure.
- Great.
- Thank you.
You know, captain, you strike me
as a person with a big heart.
- You know, you like to help people.
- Yes, whenever I get the chance.
So, you see, the crew was talking
about wanting to help the less fortunate.
Is that something
you would be interested in too?
- Of course.
- Great!
- Yes.
- Great!
Because we have some free capacity now,
so maybe we could do a charitable cruise
for a group that never gets attention?
Uh, definitely.
Um And And who might that be?
The albinos.
The albinos?
Yeah. You know,
the extra-white-skinned people.
Oh, them. Uh
Yes. Uh, wh why?
Excuse me? Why?
Why not?
I mean, why should we rank people
based on the color of their skin?
That's racism in its purest form, Captain,
and I hope that's not
what you are all about.
No! No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
I'm I'm not racist at all.
- [Liza sighs]
- No, that's a great idea. Yes.
Great, and what we're going to do
is make to personal video invitations
and send it to selected albinos
all over the world.
Great. Great. I love that.
Yes. I I am all in.
Okay, calm down. Good morning, people.
All right, listen up, everyone.
Gather round.
We have a big day ahead of us. Lots to do.
But before I start the morning brief,
I would like to use the opportunity
to tell a little story.
Something special happened
to me last night.
So I'm at this party.
Real classy, real upscale.
But it's pretty wild,
and everyone there is naked.
I'm the only guy. The rest are chicks,
and they are fucking beautiful.
Amazing bodies, right? Tits to die for.
Anyway, I start penetrating, right?
- One girl after another, pumping away.
- [groans]
Really jackhammering these chicks.
And all of a sudden,
they all climax at the exact same time.
It was insane.
At least 15 chicks screaming
and and and fountain orgasming all over.
- [woman gags]
- Just floors, flooded with squirt
Okay, Captain. Great story.
That is amusing, but it is time to go.
- We're running late.
- I'm Okay, Greg, wow.
All right.
I was in the middle of a story.
Sorry, Captain.
It's It's just that we will be
behind schedule if we don't leave now.
Well, then, Greg,
we're gonna be late, okay?
No point of hearing half my dream, right?
It's a dream? It's not even a real story?
[chuckles] I wish.
No, it was totally a dream,
but it was so real in my mind,
so vivid and sensual.
- I thought it'd be negligent not to share.
- It wouldn't.
Excuse me, Belinda, one second.
- Oh! That ass. Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
- No
Oh! Oh! Oh!
It's a runaway fire hose!
Uh-oh, I need another hand
to control this thing.
What the hell, Captain?
It's only a joke.
A classy and tasteful sexual innuendo.
That's just so unprofessional.
[laughs] Yeah. I know, right?
Oh, we have fun.
Okay. Enough horsing around here, people.
Come on, let's get back to work.
[Liza] Oh. You're doing so well, Captain.
Could you do, like, one more take for us?
Yeah, and maybe try one
with even more sincerity.
Like, just say it like you mean it.
Not Not too much, just a tad.
You know? You're almost there.
It's just a minimal adjustment.
Really too small to register.
- [Pablo] Pff!
- Okay?
What do you know
about film production, Nico?
Uh, well, since you ask, I've done
quite a few radio commercials,
and I had a part
in a TV series back in the day.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Or I was an extra, but I got
quite a good amount of screen time,
so, uh, please just let me do my thing.
- The man know his things.
- Sure, Nico.
Oh, Captain? Uh, one more take, please.
Just a tiny bit more sincere.
Yeah, but more sincere,
but not noticeably, okay?
Oh, yeah, sure thing.
[Liza] And action!
[clears throat]
Dear albino friend.
I, Captain Johnathan Fall,
have distinct the honor
of personally inviting you
to the cruise of your lifetime.
The only thing I want from you in return
is that you keep this our secret.
No one can know that we are treating you
to this fantastic luxury,
as it will stir up
so much jealousy all around.
- [glasses clink]
- Oh.
[in French] This sounds
like something for us, honey.
- What is it?
- We are invited to a free cruise.
Albinos only.
Free cruise?
Isn't that like a classic scam?
No, no, no, no, no.
That Captain Fall seems so sincere.
And they have booked and paid for
plane tickets and everything.
But it's not possible anyway.
How are we supposed to enjoy ourselves
in the horrible scorching sun?
He says the main deck is covered
in shade nets.
There's complimentary sunblock and hats.
They even have trained personnel
with extra expertise in sunburn wounds.
He's thought of everything,
that Captain Fall.
That's it. We're fucking going.
It's about time
we move up in the disabled ranks.
Yes, I agree, but let's just enjoy this
and not make it a big political issue.
Why not? We've been overlooked
and marginalized for centuries.
If you're blind or deaf or something,
society carries you around
on a goddamn pedestal.
But if you don't have any pigment,
you are left to live your life
in the shadows like a fucking vampire.
Honey, babe, we are going to see Africa.
Let's just enjoy that, okay?
Yes, of course. It's our turn to shine,
so to hell with all of them.
This cruise is going to be great!
A real victory march.
[controls whirring]
So, fellas, who wants to throw down
a few shots and get crazy
as soon as the passengers
have left tonight, huh?
I have the key to the spa area.
Yes, sure. Yeah.
[chuckles nervously] Sounds great.
Cool. Yeah! You won't regret it.
Ha! We're gonna have a blast.
Oh, I'm sure we will.
So we'll just see you in the spa area
when the ship is ready then?
Yeah, no, cool. Definitely. Yeah.
Awesome, cool. See you there. For sure.
Yes! Oh yeah!
['80s pop music playing]
Yeah. Oh yeah. There we go. Huge bulge.
Huge and impressive. Good to go.
[music stops]
Hello? Anyone here?
Oh. [chuckles]
Uh, what kinda sick prank is this?
I command you all to get undressed ASAP.
[Tanner laughs]
- It stops now, Captain Fall.
- What?
It stops now.
What the hell is this?
- This is an intervention.
- For what?
This is for your own good, sir.
You have a serious problem.
You're an addict, Captain.
A sexual-harassment addict.
- Or something horrible like that.
- What?
We are gathered here today, all of us,
to help you become a better man.
I am a great man.
No, you're a man of a different time.
Your behavior is something
that belongs to the past.
Like, before late 2017.
Who wants to start?
- Amanda?
- Thank you.
Well, first of all,
you have hurt me with words, Captain.
How, if I may ask?
Well, I think you have talked
about how much you would like
to penetrate, lick, and rim me
on a daily basis
for over two years now
Oh, that stuff?
Well then, I am guilty as charged,
but you are a fuckable fox.
There's no denying that.
In my defense.
And I don't like it when you sprinkle
your pubes in my hair, Captain.
[chuckles] Are you serious?
That pube-wig shit is hilarious, right?
Back me up here, guys!
We were all laughing.
And the boob grabbing
is totally out of line.
Wha The old honk-honk?
Yes, unacceptable.
Well, there's no evidence.
It's just everyone's word against mine.
So you all are on thin ice here
because I am too big to fail.
Tanner. Uh
Please listen to us.
I've convinced people there's good in you,
that you deserve a second chance.
Please prove me right.
Prove that you're the good, decent person
that I know is in there somewhere.
Wow. Wow. Okay, I, um
I guess if that's how you feel,
then then I failed you.
I thought that I was
bringing everyone in on the fun.
I I didn't mean to hurt anyone,
and I didn't mean to offend anyone.
- I was just trying to be a fun boss.
- [tender music builds]
That was why I would do fun honk-honks
and, uh and the nut taps.
Greg, that's why I sprinkled the pubes.
And I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone, so
Please, I just
I need some time to reflect upon all this.
Of course, Captain.
And as a token of my appreciation,
you guys can all use the spa
for as long as you'd like.
Guys, one more thing.
I hope this moment can mark
the start of my redemption.
[inspirational music playing]
[laughs] I, uh
I feared the worst,
but that went beyond all expectations.
Yeah, I I think we did it.
We fixed the captain!
It's a miracle.
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord.
[light tapping, whirring]
What the hell is that?
- [all gasp]
- Goddamn it.
Peekaboo, ladies!
Anyone wanna give it a tug?
- Oh!
- [Tanner laughs]
- Oh, got you, motherfucker.
- [camera clicks]
Wait. Did you just take a photo?
All right. Okay.
In what world is it okay
to take a photo of your boss's penis?
Grow up!
[phone ringing]
[sighs] Uh, Captain Fall speaking.
[Tanner] Brother!
Yeah. Yeah. It's me, your dear big bro.
Is it good to hear from me?
Why are you calling
in the middle of the night? Did
Did Mom die?
No. No. Actually,
it's way worse than that.
It's much worse than that!
What? Both of them?
Has there been a horrible accident
with both Mom and Dad involved?
- No. No. It's me.
- What?
That fucking Me Too movement
really fucked me over, man.
Oh. Okay, so they finally got to you?
Their movement lurks
with their crosses and nails
just waiting for you
to make some innocent move,
and and I guess it was my turn.
I guess it was my turn.
They have to take down all the big shots.
So you are, uh you're innocent?
Yeah! Of course, Jonathan.
Of course! It all stems from envy.
The Me Too movement envies you?
Is that what you're
- Everyone does.
- Okay.
You don't know what it's like
to look like I do,
to be so rich and successful
and have a medium-sized
but extremely beautiful and suckable cock.
Oh God, Jonathan,
my cock is just too suckable!
Wh Okay, why are you calling me exactly?
They fired me, Jonathan.
I need a job, brother.
[sighs] Uh, okay.
Uh, can't you just apply for one?
I'm sure you're in high demand.
No. I'm like a leper in the business now.
[sighs] Okay. Okay.
Since you're the captain,
it should be real easy
for you to hook me up
at the Caribbean Queen. Hmm? Mm?
Come on. Can you do that for me, brother?
Pull some strings.
Uh I don't know, Tanner.
Hey, hey. Imagine the two of us
roaming the seas together.
That would be great, right?
You can still be the captain
for a little while,
and then we make the switch
when the timing's right.
- Sounds like a plan?
- Um, well
- Right?
- Look.
I I hate to say this, but I really
don't know if this is the right fit.
It's It's not really a a Tanner vibe.
- Tanner? Are you there?
- [Tanner shrieking]
Hook me up, you weak fucker!
Or you will regret it.
I swear to God, I will crush you.
I will smash your stupid child face
with a sculpting hammer!
I didn't mean that.
I didn't mean that, Jonathan!
He's not gonna do that.
He's not gonna do that.
That would kill me.
Oh! Ah! Oh!
Oh, it burns.
Ooh, that's such a pungent taste.
Hah, it's almost like gasoline. Oof!
[in French] This is so exciting.
I really like that it's so secretive.
Traveling incognito just makes it feel
more exclusive, you know?
Yes, my dear, I know.
So good to finally be here.
I can practically hear the sea breeze.
There. Pigmentia Cruise Line.
Hey. That's us.
[in English] Great. You are
the last passengers we are waiting for.
Come with me.
[in French] Will you look at this.
The windows on the bus are tinted.
And have bars to protect us.
They have really
thought of everything here.
- [lock clicks]
- [engine starts]
This is so great.
I only wish the blind could see us now.
Who's laughing now? You know.
Let's put that aside this week, honey.
Let's just have a good time.
Save your hatred for other groups
for when we get home.
[in English] This feels like one
of my birthday parties when I was a kid.
They have got some nerve not showing up,
those albinos.
Well, maybe they decided
that our cruise wasn't for them after all.
Scared of the scorching sun, perhaps.
After they were all
so thankful of my invitation?
That doesn't sound very plausible.
People change their minds,
you know, Captain.
- It's totally normal.
- All 50 of them?
- Looks like it, eh?
- [tuts] Unbelievable.
I I do not like to pigeonhole people,
uh, but in this case,
I think it is only fair to say
that albinos can't be trusted
when it comes to cruise appointments.
And I'd say it is a big enough
representative sample
that I am able to say that
without being called insensitive
or something like that.
It's just a It's a fact.
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way, Captain.
[sighs] Okay, pack it up, people.
Guess we're not spreading joy
to albinos, after all.
Darn it! Sorry.
Sorry to swear.
[foreboding music playing]
Thank you.
[chuckles] No. Thank you.
Those fingers will spread luck
and wealth throughout the region.
[Liza scoffs]
[in Afrikaans] Christ.
- [in English] For the greater good, right?
- Huh?
I'm just saying,
a few sacrifices for the greater good.
That's a pretty good win, isn't it?
I mean, I guess
you can look at it like that.
Absolutely. It's like going back in time
and shanking baby Hitler 80 times
to save millions of lives.
- Mm. I don't know.
- It's just like that.
Oh man.
[dramatic music builds]
Exactly like that.
[music fades]
[soft jazz playing]
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