Cardinal Burns (2012) s01e03 Episode Script
Episode 3
1 OK, so let's get started.
We've got a lot to get through, OK? Our pre-tax profits for the first quarter were down 30% this year.
Oh, well.
More for me.
That is not good, at all.
And also, with Janice away all of next week, Susan will be taking over all of her accounts.
Hallelujah.
OK, James can you write down 60% for the first quarter, OK? Our pre-tax profits for the first quarter were down 30% this year.
That is not good, at all, What do we do? Well, it's not just us, it's everybody, but we need to try and fix it.
OK, if you look at this Hey, Sally.
Hello.
Have you got time for a quick flirt? Um, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Go on, then.
Um, markets are low Have you ever drunk champagne on the London Eye? No.
It's nice.
Two seconds.
Don't go away.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, Charlie.
How you doing? Yeah, all good.
Boring up there, isn't it? Uh-huh.
What you doing? Just flirting with Sally.
Cool.
Yeah, you should get involved.
Yeah, sod it.
I'll go for a flirt with Janice.
Good boy.
Psst.
Janice.
Oh, hi, Charlie.
How are you? Yeah, all good.
Fancy a quick flirt? Yeah, sure, OK.
Cool.
Lunch time coming up soon.
What are you gonna have? Just probably soup.
Just goes around and around and around and around.
Oh, I'll be back.
How's it going? I'm down with that.
Let's do it.
Hey, Janice.
Hey.
I'm just gonna finish up your flirt with Charlie.
OK.
What's up, Sally? Oh, hey, Charlie.
Soup? Yeah.
Perfume going in, poison coming out, huh? The London Eye, huh.
Yeah.
You know, Sally, they talk about the views, but they never mention the queues.
Well, nice flirting with you, Sally.
Yeah, yeah.
See ya, then, Janice.
Bye.
So that's obviously not good.
You all know the difference between 20% and 80%.
Yeah.
Now we're looking at 10%.
Absolutely, yeah.
So, that just about wraps everything up for the day.
Anyone have any other business that they want to share? No.
New Guy? What is it? It's a crystal, nothing more, but if you turn it this way and look into it, it'll show you your dreams.
That's amazing.
Oh, wow! How does he do that? Well, if that's everything, then that's lunch.
Liquid lunch? Yeah, soup! They say that everything happens for a reason and, right now, I'm still trying to figure out what that reason is.
Welcome to my town - Kookyville.
Not a lot happens around here, except the time a stranger came into town, walked into the local hospital and swapped all the babies around.
I guess he figured it'd make life more interesting and, in a funny way, he might have been right.
Well, as for me, my name's Mike.
That's me right there.
I'm imagining I'm visiting all the cool places I'll never go, like the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China, or the Temple of Doom.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, Mom-Dad.
I made you some breakfast.
We're plum out of milk.
So, Mike, tonight I was wondering, perhaps we could go for a drink, you know, let our hair down.
Paint the town red.
I'm only 15, Mom-Dad.
Oh, Jeez! Unclench, Mike.
You should have seen me at that age.
Oh, by the way Mariah Carey's not looking too well, Mike.
Perhaps you could take her to see Dr Rosenburg.
'Feeling blue, Mariah? Ditto.
' Hey, Dale.
Hey, Mike.
'That's Dale.
'He comes over every once in a while and blocks our toilet.
' Oh, looks like somebody got out of bed the right side this morning.
'Dale is the only person I've ever known who can eat a hundred Twinkies 'all at once and still have room for a Ding Dong.
' Oh, God! Oh, yeah! Flip me round, flip me round! Come on.
Oh, yeah! Oh, God! Oh, God, yeah! Oh! Oh, yeah! You're my Thursday night thing! 'If Mariah died who can I turn to, question mark.
Myself, Dale.
'Mom-Dad, question mark.
The answer was staring me right in the face.
'It was everyone, but at the same time, no-one at all.
Question mark.
'Oh, and that' Kooky freak! 'That's a hot dog.
Period.
' Yo, my name is Switch, and I'm a street poet and this one is called Street Life.
Check it.
I am a wanderer, a drifter A man on the street I pound the concrete With my two aching feet Mum and Dad, how could you be so selfish to me? Why could you not have arranged some kind of spare key? Pop it under the plant pot Hide it in the shed It gets dark at 4 now, Mum I could be dead Mum works till 7 Dad gets home at 1O So basically I Am homeless till then.
That poem is for all the de-homed people across the world and in America.
Brap, brap! As any girl will tell you, her 21st birthday is a milestone in her life.
Well, this week it was my 21st birthday party, and this little fishy had hired a swanky bar in London's dazzling West End.
This was my chance to show the London fashion world that I'd finally arrived.
Would you like me take this a bit higher? Er, yeah.
Landing strip, please.
And she'll have a star of David.
Oh, sank you.
Guys, I don't need to tell you how important tonight is for me.
It would be great if you could take care of people's coats, look after drinks and spillages and things like that, but, most importantly, just really enjoy yourselves, OK? Ow! You batch! Thanks, that's really pretty.
Yumi, what do I need to do to motivate you? Less chat, more vol-au-vents.
Rachel.
Oh, my God! Chris, hi! This food is amazing! What is it? Yeah, that's like a British-Asian fusion.
It was actually inspired by my friendship with Yumi.
Oh, my God, you have to try the Shitake bubble and squeak.
It is delish.
Go and check on the miso burgers.
Like, now! Hai.
Oh, my God! Speech time.
I'm so nervous.
When I get nervous, I focus on my breathing.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to focus on your breathing, Olivia.
Tonight's not about you.
This, I have to do alone.
OK, everyone, first of all, thanks for making it down to my 21st birthday party.
It's so nice to see you here all this evening.
Oh, my God.
Remember to breathe.
Here goes.
I believe it was Ghandi who once said that we She's ruined my party and probably my life.
Why would she do that to me? Maybe she's just jealous of you.
What of? My hair? My eyebrows? My bone structure? My pierced clitoral hood? Her dad said she couldn't have one.
What if she wants to kill me? Rachel, please.
Murderer! Next week on Young Dreams Major decisions major revelations.
I'm pregnant.
Stop making this about you! And major freak-outs! Right, catch you later, homey.
Please remind me never to go for a liquid lunch with the New Guy again! Oh, Charlie! Sorry.
Fancy a flirt? We haven't one scheduled have we, Charlie? Oh, why, what? Sorry, did we forget to put it in your blackberry? Why's everything have to be about scheduling? You've all got to get out of this.
You're just a bunch of pencil pushers.
You're slaves.
You're all just cogs in a big machine.
Finished those accounts yet, Charlie? Yeah, they'll be on your desk first thing tomorrow, Karen.
Lovely.
What are you looking at? Psst! Sally.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
Liquid lunch - it's not soup.
'This is Dr Rosenburg.
He's Kookyville's town vet.
'He was having a shave one day when he received news 'that his dog had been decapitated by the school bus.
'Out of respect, he vowed he would never fully shave again.
' The news isn't good, Mike.
I'm afraid your little friend here is sadly no longer with us.
I'm sorry, Mike.
I know how much she meant to you.
How's Mom-Dad, Mike? She's OK, I guess.
Well, you tell her Dr Rosenburg says hi.
This is Mariah's death certificate.
You can fill it out in the waiting room.
Goodbye, son.
Hey.
'That's Ed.
And the guy holding him? Well, that's Mr Fluffyface.
'This is Zooey.
'Her father is mayor of Kookyville.
'They live in a house made of recycled burrito cartons.
' So, why you here? Oh, sorry, that was totally inappropriate.
I shouldn't have asked that.
That's OK.
My goldfish died.
Oh.
Conundrum.
What are you listening to? Here.
Oh.
Great! 'It was at that moment, watching Zooey dance, that I realised' Wooo! And stay down, you kooky freak! Woooo! Right erm, Graham's outside, so I'm off to do my radio interview.
OK.
Who's under there? Hello? Piss off.
See you later, have a good day.
'Today is a very important day for me, 'as I'm off to do a live radio interview to talk about my work.
' And I'm off to meet the Doctor of Foxes, Neil Fox.
'Well, coming up later on in the show 'we've got a very special guest.
'None other than the international graffiti artist, Banksy.
' He just said your name! Oh, brilliant! I'm chuffed.
Oh, great.
You're listening to the sounds of the underground.
Good though, isn't it? Can of pop? Are you sure we're allowed? Course we are.
You're the talent! Oh, go on then.
Don't mind if I do.
Banksy.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
You too.
Do you guys want to come through? Yeah, absolutely.
I'll watch through the glass.
OK, we'll be like monkeys in the zoo.
Right then, it doesn't get better than a little bit of Simply Red.
Good afternoon.
If you've been driving through London recently, and you've looked out of your window and you've seen a giant rat, don't worry, it's not real.
It's probably the work of my next fabulous guest on the show today, internationally-renowned street artist, Banksy.
Great to have you on the show.
So, why rats? Well, that's a really good question, Foxy.
I suppose it's my way of saying that in today's society we all live in a bit of a rat race.
Right then, we've got some callers lined up that are desperate to speak to Banksy.
So, first up Louise.
You are on the line.
Hi, Louise.
'Hi, Banksy.
Can I just say I'm a huge fan of yours.
' Oh, thank you very much, thank you.
You've really, you've made my day.
'I just wanted to ask, where do you get your inspiration from?' I suppose I get a lot of my inspiration from what I call my bugbears, and that can be anything from capitalism, to, erm, confectionery companies that have changed their name unnecessarily.
Hand dryers that don't dry hands properly, that's a big bugbear of mine.
To the Royal Family, the Conservative Party, to too many sultanas in my muesli.
That's a big bugbear I think we've lost Louise.
Oh.
We've got other calls, so don't worry.
Hello, there.
You are through to Banksy.
Hello! 'You're such a fucking shit artist, give it up, you dickhead!' Erm.
Stop painting, you prick! Daniel? Is that you? It's Daddy.
Really sorry about the swearing, everybody, there.
We'll be back after a tune.
Thanks for joining us.
Maybe it wasn't Daniel after all.
I'm not sure about that, Banks.
I mean, to me, it sounded like Daniel.
Yeah, it did, but you have to remember, Graham, my work ruffles a lot of people's feathers.
It could have been anybody.
No, I'm pretty certain it was Daniel.
This is it, here we are, finally arrived at the hide, where I'm really hoping to catch a glimpse of this rare bird.
Now, earlier today, I was lucky to speak with a local ranger who actually drew me a picture of what I can expect to encounter whilst I'm here, so Here's the drawing, and if you can see here, there's the ranger, look, And then, just next to him there, is the Giant Robin.
Look at that.
Well, it's 2 o'clock, and still no sign of the giant robin as of yet.
But, erm, I'm all set up anyway, I've got my, my binoculars.
My camera, of course, my flask of tea.
So, fingers crossed.
Six in the morning, and there's just no sign of the Giant Robin.
Now, I remember speaking to the ranger who did say that, despite its size, the robin remains a very timid bird.
I'm just worried that I've made too much noise already and scared it away.
OK, so it's taken two weeks to get here and just just the thought of not seeing it is just not, not the way I wanted it to end.
I know he's out there somewhere.
No.
There's no point kidding myself, it's obviously not going to happen.
Ya-da-da-da Ya-da-da-da All right, Terry.
What's with the bunting? Oh, that.
Funny story, actually.
Yeah? You're going to like this one, Terry.
Am I? Yeah.
All right, OK.
I was sat at a bus stop the other day, right.
Talking to this old dear.
Yeah.
Next thing, this car's pulled up, right? Car door opens, this little Cuban heel pops out.
Guess who it is? Bruno Mars.
Lord Alan Sugar.
No! Yes.
He goes, "I'm running for London Mayor "and I could do with someone like you to manage my campaign.
" He goes "Get in the car.
" What about the shopping? That's what I said.
I said, "I've got freezer stuff here, Alan.
" He goes "Don't worry about that.
My chauffeur will put it in the fridge.
" He goes "Come on, let's go and change the world" and he's gone 'beep' Oh! On my knob! So, what do you have to do for him, then? - That's it.
I had to come up with some policies.
- Yeah.
I had to make some badges and I had to iron some bunting.
Anyway, next day, right.
There's more, is there? There's plenty more.
So, the next day, old Sugar-tits emails me.
He goes "Why don't you come over to my place tonight and we can "discuss the campaign over a nice bottle of plonk from my wine cellar?" I bet he's got a nice cellar.
He's got a lovely cellar.
So I turn up, he's opened the door, in his dressing gown, he's half-pissed, his eyes are all crazy, the music is blaring.
I'm like, "Are you all right Alan?" He goes "Why?" He goes, "Don't I look all right?" Oh, dear.
And I'm like "Shall I come back another time?" And he goes, "No.
" He goes, "You're here now.
" Then he goes, "What do you want from me?" He goes, "Do you want my money?" He threw a load of money in my face, like that.
Oh, he was on one, weren't he? Then out of the blue, right, he goes "Do you fancy me?" I'm like, "Oh, what are you talking about, Alan? "Stop it, cos you're starting to wind me up!" I says, "Sit down.
" He goes, "Well, why don't you fancy me?" And I just snapped.
I goes, "I don't fancy you Alan, "cos you look like a half-shaved dog!" Ha-ha! Oh, I bet he didn't like that much.
No, no, the opposite.
He starts laughing and screaming and giggling and all that.
I'm like, "Oh, he's fucking lost it now!" He goes "My employees think I look like a half-shaved dog, "my family think I look like a half-shaved dog, "even I think I look a half-shaved dog, "but you are the only person with the balls big enough to tell it to me "and that is why I'm head-over-heels in love with you, "you sexy little bastard.
" So it weren't about the policies after all? No, it was all bullshit.
That's why I was so pissed off, cos I'd been doing all this work on these policies and he weren't even running for mayor! He goes "It's time for you to leave.
" So they ran me home.
What about your shopping? Well, that's it.
By this point it had all defrosted.
The chauffeur had kept it in his boot the whole time.
They lied about the freezer all along.
Could you not salvage any of it? No, just the pasta and the dry stuff but that point I was so over it, I just slung it in the bin, it was all tainted as far as I was concerned, Terry, all tainted.
Hang on.
Hello? Yeah, Lord Alan Sugar will see you now.
Ah, shut up, Terry! Who is it? Is it Ja-moush? Lord Sugar.
Oh, shut up! I'm going to need 500 lemons by Friday! 'Mariah's death certificate suddenly made everything 'seem so real.
'Sometimes I think I'll end up just like Leicester Zimmerman, 'who shot his boss in the kneecaps 'and set up a lemonade stall on his mom's lawn.
' You know how difficult it is being a lemonade salesman? Hmm? You need guts, determination and lemons! 'So off I went, back home to Mom-Dad.
' Yeah, I can hold.
'And on the way I bumped into Arnie Pumpernickle.
' Hey, Mike.
Hey, Arnie.
'The most special guy in all of Kookyville.
' Come on, Ham.
Sorry to hear about Mariah.
That's OK.
Don't be sad.
I got you a present.
What is it? It's a new Mariah Carey.
It's warm.
That's because I made it from my toilet.
Sssh! 'They say that everything happens for a reason.
'And now, looking up at my new poop fish, 'I'd finally figured out what that reason is.
'And just what that reason is, I guess I'll never know.
'Welcome to Kookyville.
'
We've got a lot to get through, OK? Our pre-tax profits for the first quarter were down 30% this year.
Oh, well.
More for me.
That is not good, at all.
And also, with Janice away all of next week, Susan will be taking over all of her accounts.
Hallelujah.
OK, James can you write down 60% for the first quarter, OK? Our pre-tax profits for the first quarter were down 30% this year.
That is not good, at all, What do we do? Well, it's not just us, it's everybody, but we need to try and fix it.
OK, if you look at this Hey, Sally.
Hello.
Have you got time for a quick flirt? Um, yeah.
Yeah, OK.
Go on, then.
Um, markets are low Have you ever drunk champagne on the London Eye? No.
It's nice.
Two seconds.
Don't go away.
Bye.
Bye.
Hey, Charlie.
How you doing? Yeah, all good.
Boring up there, isn't it? Uh-huh.
What you doing? Just flirting with Sally.
Cool.
Yeah, you should get involved.
Yeah, sod it.
I'll go for a flirt with Janice.
Good boy.
Psst.
Janice.
Oh, hi, Charlie.
How are you? Yeah, all good.
Fancy a quick flirt? Yeah, sure, OK.
Cool.
Lunch time coming up soon.
What are you gonna have? Just probably soup.
Just goes around and around and around and around.
Oh, I'll be back.
How's it going? I'm down with that.
Let's do it.
Hey, Janice.
Hey.
I'm just gonna finish up your flirt with Charlie.
OK.
What's up, Sally? Oh, hey, Charlie.
Soup? Yeah.
Perfume going in, poison coming out, huh? The London Eye, huh.
Yeah.
You know, Sally, they talk about the views, but they never mention the queues.
Well, nice flirting with you, Sally.
Yeah, yeah.
See ya, then, Janice.
Bye.
So that's obviously not good.
You all know the difference between 20% and 80%.
Yeah.
Now we're looking at 10%.
Absolutely, yeah.
So, that just about wraps everything up for the day.
Anyone have any other business that they want to share? No.
New Guy? What is it? It's a crystal, nothing more, but if you turn it this way and look into it, it'll show you your dreams.
That's amazing.
Oh, wow! How does he do that? Well, if that's everything, then that's lunch.
Liquid lunch? Yeah, soup! They say that everything happens for a reason and, right now, I'm still trying to figure out what that reason is.
Welcome to my town - Kookyville.
Not a lot happens around here, except the time a stranger came into town, walked into the local hospital and swapped all the babies around.
I guess he figured it'd make life more interesting and, in a funny way, he might have been right.
Well, as for me, my name's Mike.
That's me right there.
I'm imagining I'm visiting all the cool places I'll never go, like the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China, or the Temple of Doom.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, Mom-Dad.
I made you some breakfast.
We're plum out of milk.
So, Mike, tonight I was wondering, perhaps we could go for a drink, you know, let our hair down.
Paint the town red.
I'm only 15, Mom-Dad.
Oh, Jeez! Unclench, Mike.
You should have seen me at that age.
Oh, by the way Mariah Carey's not looking too well, Mike.
Perhaps you could take her to see Dr Rosenburg.
'Feeling blue, Mariah? Ditto.
' Hey, Dale.
Hey, Mike.
'That's Dale.
'He comes over every once in a while and blocks our toilet.
' Oh, looks like somebody got out of bed the right side this morning.
'Dale is the only person I've ever known who can eat a hundred Twinkies 'all at once and still have room for a Ding Dong.
' Oh, God! Oh, yeah! Flip me round, flip me round! Come on.
Oh, yeah! Oh, God! Oh, God, yeah! Oh! Oh, yeah! You're my Thursday night thing! 'If Mariah died who can I turn to, question mark.
Myself, Dale.
'Mom-Dad, question mark.
The answer was staring me right in the face.
'It was everyone, but at the same time, no-one at all.
Question mark.
'Oh, and that' Kooky freak! 'That's a hot dog.
Period.
' Yo, my name is Switch, and I'm a street poet and this one is called Street Life.
Check it.
I am a wanderer, a drifter A man on the street I pound the concrete With my two aching feet Mum and Dad, how could you be so selfish to me? Why could you not have arranged some kind of spare key? Pop it under the plant pot Hide it in the shed It gets dark at 4 now, Mum I could be dead Mum works till 7 Dad gets home at 1O So basically I Am homeless till then.
That poem is for all the de-homed people across the world and in America.
Brap, brap! As any girl will tell you, her 21st birthday is a milestone in her life.
Well, this week it was my 21st birthday party, and this little fishy had hired a swanky bar in London's dazzling West End.
This was my chance to show the London fashion world that I'd finally arrived.
Would you like me take this a bit higher? Er, yeah.
Landing strip, please.
And she'll have a star of David.
Oh, sank you.
Guys, I don't need to tell you how important tonight is for me.
It would be great if you could take care of people's coats, look after drinks and spillages and things like that, but, most importantly, just really enjoy yourselves, OK? Ow! You batch! Thanks, that's really pretty.
Yumi, what do I need to do to motivate you? Less chat, more vol-au-vents.
Rachel.
Oh, my God! Chris, hi! This food is amazing! What is it? Yeah, that's like a British-Asian fusion.
It was actually inspired by my friendship with Yumi.
Oh, my God, you have to try the Shitake bubble and squeak.
It is delish.
Go and check on the miso burgers.
Like, now! Hai.
Oh, my God! Speech time.
I'm so nervous.
When I get nervous, I focus on my breathing.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to focus on your breathing, Olivia.
Tonight's not about you.
This, I have to do alone.
OK, everyone, first of all, thanks for making it down to my 21st birthday party.
It's so nice to see you here all this evening.
Oh, my God.
Remember to breathe.
Here goes.
I believe it was Ghandi who once said that we She's ruined my party and probably my life.
Why would she do that to me? Maybe she's just jealous of you.
What of? My hair? My eyebrows? My bone structure? My pierced clitoral hood? Her dad said she couldn't have one.
What if she wants to kill me? Rachel, please.
Murderer! Next week on Young Dreams Major decisions major revelations.
I'm pregnant.
Stop making this about you! And major freak-outs! Right, catch you later, homey.
Please remind me never to go for a liquid lunch with the New Guy again! Oh, Charlie! Sorry.
Fancy a flirt? We haven't one scheduled have we, Charlie? Oh, why, what? Sorry, did we forget to put it in your blackberry? Why's everything have to be about scheduling? You've all got to get out of this.
You're just a bunch of pencil pushers.
You're slaves.
You're all just cogs in a big machine.
Finished those accounts yet, Charlie? Yeah, they'll be on your desk first thing tomorrow, Karen.
Lovely.
What are you looking at? Psst! Sally.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
Liquid lunch - it's not soup.
'This is Dr Rosenburg.
He's Kookyville's town vet.
'He was having a shave one day when he received news 'that his dog had been decapitated by the school bus.
'Out of respect, he vowed he would never fully shave again.
' The news isn't good, Mike.
I'm afraid your little friend here is sadly no longer with us.
I'm sorry, Mike.
I know how much she meant to you.
How's Mom-Dad, Mike? She's OK, I guess.
Well, you tell her Dr Rosenburg says hi.
This is Mariah's death certificate.
You can fill it out in the waiting room.
Goodbye, son.
Hey.
'That's Ed.
And the guy holding him? Well, that's Mr Fluffyface.
'This is Zooey.
'Her father is mayor of Kookyville.
'They live in a house made of recycled burrito cartons.
' So, why you here? Oh, sorry, that was totally inappropriate.
I shouldn't have asked that.
That's OK.
My goldfish died.
Oh.
Conundrum.
What are you listening to? Here.
Oh.
Great! 'It was at that moment, watching Zooey dance, that I realised' Wooo! And stay down, you kooky freak! Woooo! Right erm, Graham's outside, so I'm off to do my radio interview.
OK.
Who's under there? Hello? Piss off.
See you later, have a good day.
'Today is a very important day for me, 'as I'm off to do a live radio interview to talk about my work.
' And I'm off to meet the Doctor of Foxes, Neil Fox.
'Well, coming up later on in the show 'we've got a very special guest.
'None other than the international graffiti artist, Banksy.
' He just said your name! Oh, brilliant! I'm chuffed.
Oh, great.
You're listening to the sounds of the underground.
Good though, isn't it? Can of pop? Are you sure we're allowed? Course we are.
You're the talent! Oh, go on then.
Don't mind if I do.
Banksy.
How you doing? Nice to meet you.
You too.
Do you guys want to come through? Yeah, absolutely.
I'll watch through the glass.
OK, we'll be like monkeys in the zoo.
Right then, it doesn't get better than a little bit of Simply Red.
Good afternoon.
If you've been driving through London recently, and you've looked out of your window and you've seen a giant rat, don't worry, it's not real.
It's probably the work of my next fabulous guest on the show today, internationally-renowned street artist, Banksy.
Great to have you on the show.
So, why rats? Well, that's a really good question, Foxy.
I suppose it's my way of saying that in today's society we all live in a bit of a rat race.
Right then, we've got some callers lined up that are desperate to speak to Banksy.
So, first up Louise.
You are on the line.
Hi, Louise.
'Hi, Banksy.
Can I just say I'm a huge fan of yours.
' Oh, thank you very much, thank you.
You've really, you've made my day.
'I just wanted to ask, where do you get your inspiration from?' I suppose I get a lot of my inspiration from what I call my bugbears, and that can be anything from capitalism, to, erm, confectionery companies that have changed their name unnecessarily.
Hand dryers that don't dry hands properly, that's a big bugbear of mine.
To the Royal Family, the Conservative Party, to too many sultanas in my muesli.
That's a big bugbear I think we've lost Louise.
Oh.
We've got other calls, so don't worry.
Hello, there.
You are through to Banksy.
Hello! 'You're such a fucking shit artist, give it up, you dickhead!' Erm.
Stop painting, you prick! Daniel? Is that you? It's Daddy.
Really sorry about the swearing, everybody, there.
We'll be back after a tune.
Thanks for joining us.
Maybe it wasn't Daniel after all.
I'm not sure about that, Banks.
I mean, to me, it sounded like Daniel.
Yeah, it did, but you have to remember, Graham, my work ruffles a lot of people's feathers.
It could have been anybody.
No, I'm pretty certain it was Daniel.
This is it, here we are, finally arrived at the hide, where I'm really hoping to catch a glimpse of this rare bird.
Now, earlier today, I was lucky to speak with a local ranger who actually drew me a picture of what I can expect to encounter whilst I'm here, so Here's the drawing, and if you can see here, there's the ranger, look, And then, just next to him there, is the Giant Robin.
Look at that.
Well, it's 2 o'clock, and still no sign of the giant robin as of yet.
But, erm, I'm all set up anyway, I've got my, my binoculars.
My camera, of course, my flask of tea.
So, fingers crossed.
Six in the morning, and there's just no sign of the Giant Robin.
Now, I remember speaking to the ranger who did say that, despite its size, the robin remains a very timid bird.
I'm just worried that I've made too much noise already and scared it away.
OK, so it's taken two weeks to get here and just just the thought of not seeing it is just not, not the way I wanted it to end.
I know he's out there somewhere.
No.
There's no point kidding myself, it's obviously not going to happen.
Ya-da-da-da Ya-da-da-da All right, Terry.
What's with the bunting? Oh, that.
Funny story, actually.
Yeah? You're going to like this one, Terry.
Am I? Yeah.
All right, OK.
I was sat at a bus stop the other day, right.
Talking to this old dear.
Yeah.
Next thing, this car's pulled up, right? Car door opens, this little Cuban heel pops out.
Guess who it is? Bruno Mars.
Lord Alan Sugar.
No! Yes.
He goes, "I'm running for London Mayor "and I could do with someone like you to manage my campaign.
" He goes "Get in the car.
" What about the shopping? That's what I said.
I said, "I've got freezer stuff here, Alan.
" He goes "Don't worry about that.
My chauffeur will put it in the fridge.
" He goes "Come on, let's go and change the world" and he's gone 'beep' Oh! On my knob! So, what do you have to do for him, then? - That's it.
I had to come up with some policies.
- Yeah.
I had to make some badges and I had to iron some bunting.
Anyway, next day, right.
There's more, is there? There's plenty more.
So, the next day, old Sugar-tits emails me.
He goes "Why don't you come over to my place tonight and we can "discuss the campaign over a nice bottle of plonk from my wine cellar?" I bet he's got a nice cellar.
He's got a lovely cellar.
So I turn up, he's opened the door, in his dressing gown, he's half-pissed, his eyes are all crazy, the music is blaring.
I'm like, "Are you all right Alan?" He goes "Why?" He goes, "Don't I look all right?" Oh, dear.
And I'm like "Shall I come back another time?" And he goes, "No.
" He goes, "You're here now.
" Then he goes, "What do you want from me?" He goes, "Do you want my money?" He threw a load of money in my face, like that.
Oh, he was on one, weren't he? Then out of the blue, right, he goes "Do you fancy me?" I'm like, "Oh, what are you talking about, Alan? "Stop it, cos you're starting to wind me up!" I says, "Sit down.
" He goes, "Well, why don't you fancy me?" And I just snapped.
I goes, "I don't fancy you Alan, "cos you look like a half-shaved dog!" Ha-ha! Oh, I bet he didn't like that much.
No, no, the opposite.
He starts laughing and screaming and giggling and all that.
I'm like, "Oh, he's fucking lost it now!" He goes "My employees think I look like a half-shaved dog, "my family think I look like a half-shaved dog, "even I think I look a half-shaved dog, "but you are the only person with the balls big enough to tell it to me "and that is why I'm head-over-heels in love with you, "you sexy little bastard.
" So it weren't about the policies after all? No, it was all bullshit.
That's why I was so pissed off, cos I'd been doing all this work on these policies and he weren't even running for mayor! He goes "It's time for you to leave.
" So they ran me home.
What about your shopping? Well, that's it.
By this point it had all defrosted.
The chauffeur had kept it in his boot the whole time.
They lied about the freezer all along.
Could you not salvage any of it? No, just the pasta and the dry stuff but that point I was so over it, I just slung it in the bin, it was all tainted as far as I was concerned, Terry, all tainted.
Hang on.
Hello? Yeah, Lord Alan Sugar will see you now.
Ah, shut up, Terry! Who is it? Is it Ja-moush? Lord Sugar.
Oh, shut up! I'm going to need 500 lemons by Friday! 'Mariah's death certificate suddenly made everything 'seem so real.
'Sometimes I think I'll end up just like Leicester Zimmerman, 'who shot his boss in the kneecaps 'and set up a lemonade stall on his mom's lawn.
' You know how difficult it is being a lemonade salesman? Hmm? You need guts, determination and lemons! 'So off I went, back home to Mom-Dad.
' Yeah, I can hold.
'And on the way I bumped into Arnie Pumpernickle.
' Hey, Mike.
Hey, Arnie.
'The most special guy in all of Kookyville.
' Come on, Ham.
Sorry to hear about Mariah.
That's OK.
Don't be sad.
I got you a present.
What is it? It's a new Mariah Carey.
It's warm.
That's because I made it from my toilet.
Sssh! 'They say that everything happens for a reason.
'And now, looking up at my new poop fish, 'I'd finally figured out what that reason is.
'And just what that reason is, I guess I'll never know.
'Welcome to Kookyville.
'