Cardinal Burns (2012) s02e06 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 6
1 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 0 Shit! I got it! Yes, this is mine.
Argh! Go on, laugh.
Is Colin going to be there? Er, no, I don't think he can make it.
He's still got the gout.
Has he? My name's Banksy and I'm a street artist.
Today, Jill and I are off to the Mayor of Hadley Woods annual summer barbecue Oh, my God, look at the house! Wow! Look at that! Hey, look who is it? Oh, my god it's Michelle.
Hey Michelle.
Hi, Valerie.
See you in a bit.
As well as an opportunity to catch up with friends, I have to confess there is an ulterior motive to my visit.
To sweet-talk the mayor into giving me the art commission of a local corn exchange.
Oh, Banks, look at this spread! Oh, wowzers! Oh, hello, Jill.
Hello, Lilibet.
Banksy! How are you? I'm good thanks.
Good.
Thank you.
Hello! You bought the sun with you.
Hello, Jeff.
Cheers, Banksy.
Oh, lovely.
Cheers.
Good to see you.
So, when might be a good time to talk shop, Jeff? Later Banksy, later.
Fantastic.
Hello, Sandra, how are you? Hi, Banks.
Lovely to see you.
How are you? I'm very good thank you.
Very good.
How are you? Good to see you.
So, Banksy, you've been keeping out of trouble? Yeah, trying to Simon, trying to.
Excuse me just a second.
Yeah, all right.
Look at those chops! You all right, Banks? Yeah, good.
I'd love to pick your brains about this corn exchange, Jeff.
Bloody hell, he's like a dog with a bone this one.
Well, you know, needs must.
I've actually scribbled an idea down that I think you might like.
It's Kim Jong-un doing the Gangnam dance on a missile.
Message being Look, Banks, I promise we will talk about the commission.
Now, do me a favour, look after these burgers would you? Yeah, sure.
Take this, Jeff.
Cheers.
Take this Jeff.
Why don't you have a think about it? Derek, Valerie, can I get you a chop? OK.
More to myself.
Jill? Oh! Jill? Jill? Oi! Oh, sorry, Mark.
Is my car blocking you in? No, looking for Jill.
All right, see you, mate.
Bye, Lilibets.
Bye.
Hi, Peter.
Jill? Oi.
Oh, sorry, Russell.
Well, are you in or you're out? I'm just looking for Jill.
She's not in here, I can tell you that much.
OK.
I'll leave you to it.
Oh, I haven't forgotten your jump leads, by the way.
Oh, keep them, keep them, Banks.
OK.
Cheers, mate.
OK.
Cheers, Banks, bye.
See you Sandra.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Jill, hi Jeff.
I'm thinking about heading off.
Do you want me to leave you the car keys? All right, love.
Jill, I don't have any money for a taxi.
Just check my bag, yeah? There's no money in here, Jill.
Oh, Banks, try my coat.
Find it? Yes.
All right.
Jeff? Shall I leave you the napkin? Oh, yeah.
Kim Jong-un.
Cheers, Banksy.
Quite zeitgeisty.
I think it'd be good.
Yeah.
Gangnam style.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Ta-ra.
Who's the man, baby! Well, that's a positive move forward.
Fingers crossed for the corn exchange.
We're in a good mood.
'Cos we're off on a .
.
wait for it.
Spa break! Don't get us wrong, we love what we do, but every now and again, it's nice to have a break from any paranormal activity.
Oh, God, yeah.
A weekend without any spooks or spectres.
Bliss! What was that? I think we're hit an animal, or something.
Yeah, like a badger or an otter.
Or a beaver.
Start the car.
OK.
Are you all right, Arnold? Oh, god, Jesus.
Oh, fucking hell! Fucking hell! Oh! Hello, there.
We're on our way to a spa, but I think we've broken down.
Secret Escape Spa Retreat? Ring any bells? He wants us to follow him.
So do you get many tourists around these neck of the woods? After you.
I've got two more for you.
Hello.
I'm Phil, this is Jase.
All right.
I'm afraid our car has broken down so we're sort of at your mercy.
Have you got a toilet I can borrow? I'm dying for a pee pee.
Did you do these, Mr Bartel? Yes.
Oh, they're really good.
Jase, we're in the house of a budding artist.
All right.
Tell you what, Phil, take a photo of me and Mr Bartel's son.
Is that all right? Are you ready? Yeah.
I'm going to send it to Steve, make him really jealous.
Hold still.
Oh, that's nice.
Phil, stand by the two-headed calf.
Ready? Cheese! Cheese! Share the joke.
Come on, let's have a sing-a-long.
Oh, good idea.
Come on, Mr Bartel.
And you.
Have you got anything a little bit more modern? Pet Shop Boys.
Hello.
Look.
He's going off on one.
The Bartels dance like that.
So technically, me and Steve we're on a break.
And in that time I did, you know, me and Ryan did have a thing.
Can I just say, Mr Bartel, you've got such a lovely guesthouse.
I love what you've done with it.
Jase and I have often spoken about doing something similar.
Yeah, we'd love to, you know, settle out in the countryside somewhere running a little B&B, you know.
Yeah.
Jase would do the sort of more physical jobs, maintenance, cooking.
Taking guests to the station, picking them up.
Whereas I would do the sort of more admin stuff - reception, book-keeping, cos I can do that.
So, you've got it all worked out, then? Well, you have to Mr Bartel, cos it's a business.
I don't know about you, I'm starting to feel quite sleepy.
Yeah, I'm feeling quite sleepy all of a sudden.
Yeah.
I'm finding it quite Thank you, Mr Bartel.
I'm finding it very hard to keep my eyes open.
Yeah, like my eyelids are really, heavy.
I've got the sensation that the walls are moving in.
Yeah.
And Mrs Bartel's really out of focus.
I was just saying, you're really out of focus.
Really weird.
Jase, stop it, every time you talk, it tickles.
Right, that's us, then.
We filled out the visitors book and I'll be honest with you, it's not all good.
The taps are reversed.
Hot's cold and cold is hot.
Oh, Jase says we could have done with more towels.
If I'm going too fast, just stick your tongue out.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry to take up your time.
My name is Charlie.
This here is The New Guy.
Now, we used to work as office temps, where we were the office flirts.
Unfortunately, we've kind of hit the skids a bit and fallen upon rough times.
Now, I know you're all very busy, but please if you could just spare a few minutes of your time for a bit of a flirt, that really would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi there, fancy a flirt? Would you like a flirt? Quick flirt, madam? A little flirt? It's all dry at the back, NG.
Thank you.
Thanks again for your time.
Sorry to bother you.
Have a lovely day.
God bless.
This is bullshit, man.
I mean, the temp work's completely dried up, we haven't had a flirt in days, and you've got a little bird living in your hair.
Hey, Isabelle.
Aw! Charlie, I think our luck might be about to change.
What happened to the rest of your teeth? So, did you come here straight from work or? I like your hair.
Are you flirting with this girl? Yeah, yeah, we are, yeah.
She's my girl.
Well, she's very nice.
Yeah, yeah, she's really nice, yeah.
Oh.
You all right? Sing with me.
You what? Sing with me.
# Only the lonely # Know the way I feel tonight Only the lonely You boys like to flirt, don't you? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
It's kind of our thing, yeah.
Make them flirt with each other.
You heard her.
Flirt with each other.
That's not really the way we operate.
Oh.
Oh, that's a gun.
Flirt! Can I see the beginnings of a sty in your eye, Charlie? Yeah, I get them when I'm down.
Come on, flirt harder.
Closer! Run down or not, I think it really suits you.
Closer.
Get closer.
Closer.
Harder.
Flirt! Yeah, we're close, we're close.
All right, we're flirting, we're flirting, we're flirting, we're flirting.
We're close, we're close.
Oh.
Look at that.
What is it? It's a crystal.
Nothing more, but if you look into it, it will show you your dreams.
Ow! February was finally upon us, and things between me and Chris were moving really fast.
We'd only been together for two days and it was already his birthday, so this little fishy was going birthday shopping.
I've looked at everything in the section and there's nothing good.
Yumi, help me.
What did I buy you for your last birthday present? You borrowed my earrings.
Thank you.
Olivia, I would ask you but we're really not getting on at the moment.
Let's just keep looking.
Excuse me, how much is that? That's mine.
Chris wouldn't like it anyway.
Chris would love this! What is it? Like a game or something? Excuse me, what kind of watch is that? That's actually a black watch.
Yumi, would you stop eating crisps in my ear.
They smell like pork.
It's perfect.
I'll take it.
Hey.
Hey, it's my birthday boy! I cannot believe you've done this.
It is incredible.
It's all for you, baby.
I call him baby.
So, when can I have my birthday present? You're going to have to wait a little bit longer for that.
Now, this is from me.
It's a black watch! There's a bit of crisp in it.
Rachel! Please! It's like ever since Yumi left the crisp in the watch box, things between me and Chris have been so weird.
Things will go back to normal.
It's just a phase.
I really don't want to sound like a biatch, but I just think she'd be doing us a massive favour if she went off somewhere and killed herself.
Next week on Young Dreams .
.
Olivia gets a line in the show Have I got a corn in my teeth? .
.
I fall for a man on death row I miss you.
How's Yumi? .
.
and Yumi and I come to blows.
Beautiful view.
Yeah.
Although I was kind of hoping for a hospital.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I think the bullet's actually ruptured my spleen.
What are you eating? Hot dog.
Do you think there'll be any pussy in heaven? Think of all the angels, Charlie.
Angel pussy.
So long, NG.
So long, Charlie.
Oh.
Oh, that's not ketchup.
# They say in heaven love comes first Oh heaven is a place on earth Hey, Charlie! New Guy! What are you doing here? I took a bullet too.
Yes! Ready to meet your maker? Fuck yeah.
Hey, fancy a flirt? Ah, you must be The New Guy.
Maybe I am.
Yes! Hello, darling.
Are you all right? This is make or break for Datsun motors.
Hey, who died? Shut up and sit down, Bukake.
Now, we've had a tip-off about an Eddie Lee job.
A young lady arriving from her holiday at Heathrow Airport.
She's carrying a small holdall and two wheelie suitcases.
What's in the suitcases? Let's assume holiday clothes, but it's really not important.
What is important, gentlemen, is that we intercept the job before they do.
Now, we know for a fact that they won't get there for 20 minutes, but we can do it in 15 if we work together.
Dallas, Peanuts, I want you to take the A40.
Hey! Hashtag, Bukake, you take the local roads.
Get there before Eddie Lee.
Gentlemen, good luck! Don't mess with Eddie Lee, man! You steal their fares, they come after you, like they did me, man.
I mean, look at me now, I got nothing, man.
Hey, yo man! Help a brother out.
I will suck your dicks, man.
Where are you, Eddie? Where are you? Woo! I love this shit, eh? OK, peoples, let's see what we can see.
I see one.
Eddie Lee up ahead.
Stay on him.
He's fast man, he's too fast.
OK.
We lost Peanuts at the lights.
Oh, Peanuts, no! I got one on my tail.
Keep your cool, Dallas.
I'm keeping my fucking cool.
Try and shake them, Dallas.
Try and shake them.
They're all over me, man! Dallas! Dallas is out of the picture.
Hashtag and Bukake, it's you two.
I copy, Datsun.
You have two minutes to intercept.
Hashtag, I never told you, you're as good a driver as your father ever was.
Eddie Lee right on your tail! Stay with us, Hashtag.
What's going on out there?! I can't hold them.
They're everywhere, man! We're not going to make it.
We're not going to make it! We won't make it.
That's your way! Bukake, no! No, Bukake! No! Fuck! POB.
Repeat - POB.
I got passenger on board.
Argh! Great work out there today.
I'm sorry about Bukake.
He was a good driver.
He was the best! Hey.
Room for one more? Why, you!
Argh! Go on, laugh.
Is Colin going to be there? Er, no, I don't think he can make it.
He's still got the gout.
Has he? My name's Banksy and I'm a street artist.
Today, Jill and I are off to the Mayor of Hadley Woods annual summer barbecue Oh, my God, look at the house! Wow! Look at that! Hey, look who is it? Oh, my god it's Michelle.
Hey Michelle.
Hi, Valerie.
See you in a bit.
As well as an opportunity to catch up with friends, I have to confess there is an ulterior motive to my visit.
To sweet-talk the mayor into giving me the art commission of a local corn exchange.
Oh, Banks, look at this spread! Oh, wowzers! Oh, hello, Jill.
Hello, Lilibet.
Banksy! How are you? I'm good thanks.
Good.
Thank you.
Hello! You bought the sun with you.
Hello, Jeff.
Cheers, Banksy.
Oh, lovely.
Cheers.
Good to see you.
So, when might be a good time to talk shop, Jeff? Later Banksy, later.
Fantastic.
Hello, Sandra, how are you? Hi, Banks.
Lovely to see you.
How are you? I'm very good thank you.
Very good.
How are you? Good to see you.
So, Banksy, you've been keeping out of trouble? Yeah, trying to Simon, trying to.
Excuse me just a second.
Yeah, all right.
Look at those chops! You all right, Banks? Yeah, good.
I'd love to pick your brains about this corn exchange, Jeff.
Bloody hell, he's like a dog with a bone this one.
Well, you know, needs must.
I've actually scribbled an idea down that I think you might like.
It's Kim Jong-un doing the Gangnam dance on a missile.
Message being Look, Banks, I promise we will talk about the commission.
Now, do me a favour, look after these burgers would you? Yeah, sure.
Take this, Jeff.
Cheers.
Take this Jeff.
Why don't you have a think about it? Derek, Valerie, can I get you a chop? OK.
More to myself.
Jill? Oh! Jill? Jill? Oi! Oh, sorry, Mark.
Is my car blocking you in? No, looking for Jill.
All right, see you, mate.
Bye, Lilibets.
Bye.
Hi, Peter.
Jill? Oi.
Oh, sorry, Russell.
Well, are you in or you're out? I'm just looking for Jill.
She's not in here, I can tell you that much.
OK.
I'll leave you to it.
Oh, I haven't forgotten your jump leads, by the way.
Oh, keep them, keep them, Banks.
OK.
Cheers, mate.
OK.
Cheers, Banks, bye.
See you Sandra.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Jill, hi Jeff.
I'm thinking about heading off.
Do you want me to leave you the car keys? All right, love.
Jill, I don't have any money for a taxi.
Just check my bag, yeah? There's no money in here, Jill.
Oh, Banks, try my coat.
Find it? Yes.
All right.
Jeff? Shall I leave you the napkin? Oh, yeah.
Kim Jong-un.
Cheers, Banksy.
Quite zeitgeisty.
I think it'd be good.
Yeah.
Gangnam style.
Yeah.
Yeah.
OK.
Ta-ra.
Who's the man, baby! Well, that's a positive move forward.
Fingers crossed for the corn exchange.
We're in a good mood.
'Cos we're off on a .
.
wait for it.
Spa break! Don't get us wrong, we love what we do, but every now and again, it's nice to have a break from any paranormal activity.
Oh, God, yeah.
A weekend without any spooks or spectres.
Bliss! What was that? I think we're hit an animal, or something.
Yeah, like a badger or an otter.
Or a beaver.
Start the car.
OK.
Are you all right, Arnold? Oh, god, Jesus.
Oh, fucking hell! Fucking hell! Oh! Hello, there.
We're on our way to a spa, but I think we've broken down.
Secret Escape Spa Retreat? Ring any bells? He wants us to follow him.
So do you get many tourists around these neck of the woods? After you.
I've got two more for you.
Hello.
I'm Phil, this is Jase.
All right.
I'm afraid our car has broken down so we're sort of at your mercy.
Have you got a toilet I can borrow? I'm dying for a pee pee.
Did you do these, Mr Bartel? Yes.
Oh, they're really good.
Jase, we're in the house of a budding artist.
All right.
Tell you what, Phil, take a photo of me and Mr Bartel's son.
Is that all right? Are you ready? Yeah.
I'm going to send it to Steve, make him really jealous.
Hold still.
Oh, that's nice.
Phil, stand by the two-headed calf.
Ready? Cheese! Cheese! Share the joke.
Come on, let's have a sing-a-long.
Oh, good idea.
Come on, Mr Bartel.
And you.
Have you got anything a little bit more modern? Pet Shop Boys.
Hello.
Look.
He's going off on one.
The Bartels dance like that.
So technically, me and Steve we're on a break.
And in that time I did, you know, me and Ryan did have a thing.
Can I just say, Mr Bartel, you've got such a lovely guesthouse.
I love what you've done with it.
Jase and I have often spoken about doing something similar.
Yeah, we'd love to, you know, settle out in the countryside somewhere running a little B&B, you know.
Yeah.
Jase would do the sort of more physical jobs, maintenance, cooking.
Taking guests to the station, picking them up.
Whereas I would do the sort of more admin stuff - reception, book-keeping, cos I can do that.
So, you've got it all worked out, then? Well, you have to Mr Bartel, cos it's a business.
I don't know about you, I'm starting to feel quite sleepy.
Yeah, I'm feeling quite sleepy all of a sudden.
Yeah.
I'm finding it quite Thank you, Mr Bartel.
I'm finding it very hard to keep my eyes open.
Yeah, like my eyelids are really, heavy.
I've got the sensation that the walls are moving in.
Yeah.
And Mrs Bartel's really out of focus.
I was just saying, you're really out of focus.
Really weird.
Jase, stop it, every time you talk, it tickles.
Right, that's us, then.
We filled out the visitors book and I'll be honest with you, it's not all good.
The taps are reversed.
Hot's cold and cold is hot.
Oh, Jase says we could have done with more towels.
If I'm going too fast, just stick your tongue out.
Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry to take up your time.
My name is Charlie.
This here is The New Guy.
Now, we used to work as office temps, where we were the office flirts.
Unfortunately, we've kind of hit the skids a bit and fallen upon rough times.
Now, I know you're all very busy, but please if you could just spare a few minutes of your time for a bit of a flirt, that really would be very much appreciated.
Thank you.
Hi there, fancy a flirt? Would you like a flirt? Quick flirt, madam? A little flirt? It's all dry at the back, NG.
Thank you.
Thanks again for your time.
Sorry to bother you.
Have a lovely day.
God bless.
This is bullshit, man.
I mean, the temp work's completely dried up, we haven't had a flirt in days, and you've got a little bird living in your hair.
Hey, Isabelle.
Aw! Charlie, I think our luck might be about to change.
What happened to the rest of your teeth? So, did you come here straight from work or? I like your hair.
Are you flirting with this girl? Yeah, yeah, we are, yeah.
She's my girl.
Well, she's very nice.
Yeah, yeah, she's really nice, yeah.
Oh.
You all right? Sing with me.
You what? Sing with me.
# Only the lonely # Know the way I feel tonight Only the lonely You boys like to flirt, don't you? Oh, yeah, absolutely.
It's kind of our thing, yeah.
Make them flirt with each other.
You heard her.
Flirt with each other.
That's not really the way we operate.
Oh.
Oh, that's a gun.
Flirt! Can I see the beginnings of a sty in your eye, Charlie? Yeah, I get them when I'm down.
Come on, flirt harder.
Closer! Run down or not, I think it really suits you.
Closer.
Get closer.
Closer.
Harder.
Flirt! Yeah, we're close, we're close.
All right, we're flirting, we're flirting, we're flirting, we're flirting.
We're close, we're close.
Oh.
Look at that.
What is it? It's a crystal.
Nothing more, but if you look into it, it will show you your dreams.
Ow! February was finally upon us, and things between me and Chris were moving really fast.
We'd only been together for two days and it was already his birthday, so this little fishy was going birthday shopping.
I've looked at everything in the section and there's nothing good.
Yumi, help me.
What did I buy you for your last birthday present? You borrowed my earrings.
Thank you.
Olivia, I would ask you but we're really not getting on at the moment.
Let's just keep looking.
Excuse me, how much is that? That's mine.
Chris wouldn't like it anyway.
Chris would love this! What is it? Like a game or something? Excuse me, what kind of watch is that? That's actually a black watch.
Yumi, would you stop eating crisps in my ear.
They smell like pork.
It's perfect.
I'll take it.
Hey.
Hey, it's my birthday boy! I cannot believe you've done this.
It is incredible.
It's all for you, baby.
I call him baby.
So, when can I have my birthday present? You're going to have to wait a little bit longer for that.
Now, this is from me.
It's a black watch! There's a bit of crisp in it.
Rachel! Please! It's like ever since Yumi left the crisp in the watch box, things between me and Chris have been so weird.
Things will go back to normal.
It's just a phase.
I really don't want to sound like a biatch, but I just think she'd be doing us a massive favour if she went off somewhere and killed herself.
Next week on Young Dreams .
.
Olivia gets a line in the show Have I got a corn in my teeth? .
.
I fall for a man on death row I miss you.
How's Yumi? .
.
and Yumi and I come to blows.
Beautiful view.
Yeah.
Although I was kind of hoping for a hospital.
Oh, yeah.
You know, I think the bullet's actually ruptured my spleen.
What are you eating? Hot dog.
Do you think there'll be any pussy in heaven? Think of all the angels, Charlie.
Angel pussy.
So long, NG.
So long, Charlie.
Oh.
Oh, that's not ketchup.
# They say in heaven love comes first Oh heaven is a place on earth Hey, Charlie! New Guy! What are you doing here? I took a bullet too.
Yes! Ready to meet your maker? Fuck yeah.
Hey, fancy a flirt? Ah, you must be The New Guy.
Maybe I am.
Yes! Hello, darling.
Are you all right? This is make or break for Datsun motors.
Hey, who died? Shut up and sit down, Bukake.
Now, we've had a tip-off about an Eddie Lee job.
A young lady arriving from her holiday at Heathrow Airport.
She's carrying a small holdall and two wheelie suitcases.
What's in the suitcases? Let's assume holiday clothes, but it's really not important.
What is important, gentlemen, is that we intercept the job before they do.
Now, we know for a fact that they won't get there for 20 minutes, but we can do it in 15 if we work together.
Dallas, Peanuts, I want you to take the A40.
Hey! Hashtag, Bukake, you take the local roads.
Get there before Eddie Lee.
Gentlemen, good luck! Don't mess with Eddie Lee, man! You steal their fares, they come after you, like they did me, man.
I mean, look at me now, I got nothing, man.
Hey, yo man! Help a brother out.
I will suck your dicks, man.
Where are you, Eddie? Where are you? Woo! I love this shit, eh? OK, peoples, let's see what we can see.
I see one.
Eddie Lee up ahead.
Stay on him.
He's fast man, he's too fast.
OK.
We lost Peanuts at the lights.
Oh, Peanuts, no! I got one on my tail.
Keep your cool, Dallas.
I'm keeping my fucking cool.
Try and shake them, Dallas.
Try and shake them.
They're all over me, man! Dallas! Dallas is out of the picture.
Hashtag and Bukake, it's you two.
I copy, Datsun.
You have two minutes to intercept.
Hashtag, I never told you, you're as good a driver as your father ever was.
Eddie Lee right on your tail! Stay with us, Hashtag.
What's going on out there?! I can't hold them.
They're everywhere, man! We're not going to make it.
We're not going to make it! We won't make it.
That's your way! Bukake, no! No, Bukake! No! Fuck! POB.
Repeat - POB.
I got passenger on board.
Argh! Great work out there today.
I'm sorry about Bukake.
He was a good driver.
He was the best! Hey.
Room for one more? Why, you!