Carter (2018) s02e08 Episode Script

Harley Gets to Be Best Man

1 Dave.
Dave, what are you doing? You look like a conductor from the Lumberjack Philharmonic or what I would imagine Martin Short would look like if his leg fell asleep.
Look, Ciccone was the one who stalked us down at the curling rink last night.
He set up a meet at the diner to compare notes on Boyle, and then he doesn't show? I mean, did he change his mind? Was he gas-lighting us? I don't know how to answer that.
But hey, man.
Hey, hey, hey.
What we got here is conflict, and where there's conflict, there's drama.
And where there's drama, there's an episode! So, what's our next move? Is it time to spill it? Are we keying Sam in to what we know? No, no, no.
Absolutely not.
We keep her out of the loop.
She and Boyle have some sort of connection.
I don't even know what to call it.
Yeah.
Me, neither.
But it's something, right? Get all our ducks in a row, no waddle, before we make any serious accusations.
Okay.
Then what are we doing here? We are going to sneak into Boyle's office.
- What? - Yeah.
We're going to have a little snoop around.
That still sounds bad.
What are we looking for? Ciccone said to look for a smoking gun.
Everyone, including Boyle, leaves a trail.
Let's go have a snoop around.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Ah! Ooh! - (LAUGHING) - Sam! Trying that chair out for size? No.
Boyle had a personal day out of town, so he left me in charge.
What? Sam, that's huge! Look at this! Sam Shaw, - acting chief of police.
- Thanks.
HARLEY: So, if you're acting chief, does that make us assistant acting chiefs? It does not.
Were you guys sneaking in here? N-no, no.
We we were coming in to surprise Boyle.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Surprise him? Yeah.
We were going to apologize for missing his crab boil/fondue thing.
There was no fondue.
- No fondue? - Everybody was there but you two.
And he was asking where you were, and I didn't have - anything to tell him.
- Oh.
SAM: I'm sure you have some entertaining excuse involving ping-pong paddles and some form of snack food.
Actually, Dave had a Something About Mary zipper thing - that happened to him.
- Yeah.
It was like Not interested.
As you can see, I am pretty busy.
Um - We got to Yeah.
- Bye.
HARLEY: Hey looking good on the Iron Throne.
- I know.
- (LAUGHING) MAN: Hey.
I just took a drunk and disorderly call.
I thought you might want to come for this one.
You can't handle a D and D by yourself? Well, the perp is asking for you by name.
And he's singing "September" by Earth Wind and Fire.
That's my favourite song.
Let's go.
(WHISPERING) I knew she'd fall for the old Earth Wind and Fire hook.
(WHISPERING) Hey, you do know that making a false police report - is 100 percent illegal, right? - No.
I didn't make the call.
I got Barn Phillips to make the call, and he will be 100 percent drunk and disorderly when they show up.
I gave him purpose and $500 bucks.
Let's go look for some dirt.
Uh what police chief do you know who has a copy of Sense and Sensibility? A boring one.
DAVE: Holy crap.
This isn't just a book.
This is a first edition copy! This thing is worth thousands of dollars! I mean, all of these are Oh, God.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
HARLEY: Ciccone was right.
Boyle is swimming in ill-gotten gains.
Hey, Dave, do you remember when I told you I went to Mel Gibson's house and he showed me his collection of couches? Okay.
Honestly, I have never heard the words "Mel Gibson" and "couches" used in the same sentence before.
I told you this story.
Mel Gibson gave me a tour of all these couches that he collects.
They're amazing.
Now, he's labelled all the couches.
Some are labelled "S" for "sit," and others are labelled "NS" for "no sit.
" Most of Mel's couches are NS.
Okay.
I feel like you're yanking my chain here.
He showed me a Domonkos couch.
It was beautiful, the most beautiful couch I've ever seen.
This is a Domonkos couch.
I'm telling you, Mel made me smell it.
(SNIFFING) Smell this couch.
- That's a Domonkos.
- (SNIFFING) Okay.
That means there's going to be some sort of compartment or something under here.
Hey.
No.
I got it.
I found it.
- Just a little more.
- Oh, it smells - Wait.
No.
- It smells good.
- Oh, Dave, I got something.
- What? You got something? - I got something.
- Okay.
Dave, Dave, Dave.
Oh.
HARLEY: Password.
What password would Boyle use? - I got it.
- Okay.
P-O-S-E-R.
- No.
- (BEEPING) Was it worth the joke? Because now, we have two more chances before we're locked out.
Alright.
We got to think like Boyle.
What's what's on Boyle's mind 24/7? H-A-R-L-E-Y.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) The man is obsessed with me.
And his motorcycle, you narcissist.
Oh, yeah.
What the hell? Broadway Global Inc.
, Panama.
Gillingham Consolidated, the Seychelles.
- What are these? - Off-shore accounts, like those used by drug traffickers to launder or hide drug money.
Oh, there's over $3 million in this one alone.
And what's with all these addresses? - I'm going to take it.
- No, you can't take it! He'll know it's gone.
Look, I got it.
I got this.
I got this.
We are not taking any cases this week.
I don't care what kind of trouble blows into town.
WOMAN: Someone call the police! We've been robbed! MAN: Go! (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) Ooh, yeah.
What, something make sense with those addresses? No, it's that rock star detective theme music that's going to score this investigative vibe - that we got going on.
- Cool.
Okay.
All of these are addresses that Boyle has paid property taxes on.
He's got so much money, he's just buying up random properties in Bishop.
The theory being, if you have stolen money that needs laundering, Bishop wouldn't be a bad place to do it.
Oh, yeah.
You're hearing the music, too.
Tomorrow morning, we got to go back to Ciccone's motel room, try and find him.
You looking at that girl? No.
Not really.
Yeah, you were.
You were checking her out! - Go and talk to her! - What? No.
No.
She wouldn't be interested.
Let's just stick to the case, alright? What's with that attitude? You're never going to meet anyone.
Dave, I keep telling you, you got to make moves, okay? You got to pull some triggers.
You got to act on your impulses.
Act on impulses? Yeah! Look.
You don't talk to her, you never see her again.
But you go and talk to her, you don't know what'll happen.
You've got to take a chance.
Okay.
You know what? Here.
What're you doing? That's my beer.
No.
Uh-uh.
Uh-huh.
Oh, great.
Okay.
Yeah.
(CLEARING HIS THROAT) This is the beer you were drinking the night your life changed forever.
And I signed it, so it's worth a lot more money now.
Wow.
That's arrogant.
Dave Leigh is officially open for business.
Okay.
Thank you, Harl.
Uh, I appreciate it.
But man, this just it's not my style.
I don't have have that thing that you have that Oh, God.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Tears for Fears and Cardi B.
Says a lot about you.
Oh? What does it say about me? That you're spontaneous, curious, fun.
Hmm.
Not bad.
And you are? Oh.
I'm taken.
(CHUCKLING) I didn't see a ring.
You have a girlfriend? No, just a huge ego, so there's only room for the two of us.
But you see that long glass of water at the bar the one with the luscious beard, flannel shirt, little bit of chest hair tickling out of the top button? I see him.
Cute.
That there is my best bud, Dave, and he is the most primo catch in town.
Also, loves Cardi B.
Does he, now? HARLEY: Dave, this is Willow.
Willow, this is Dave.
- Well, hello, Dave.
- Hi.
Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Uh, Willow, don't keep him up too late.
We have a very important meeting - in the morning.
- He's a joker.
He's funny.
(WHISPERING) Open for business.
Okay.
You're hilarious.
Thank you.
- WILLOW: Stop! - DAVE: Yes! Yes.
I'm telling you.
So, that's when I decided, "I got to do one of those home DNA test jobbies.
" - Yes! I want to do that.
- Yeah.
But I haven't got the results back yet.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
I think I am probably seven percent Dutch.
- Seven, specifically? - Yes.
- (LAUGHING) - Possibly royalty.
Yeah.
So, to prepare for that, I've been eating only traditional pannenkoeken.
- Panne - Dutch pancakes.
- Okay.
- And and I've been thinking about changing my name to Dirck.
- Stop it! - Yeah! Why not? I could be Dirck.
Although I was going to do that, and then I looked it up.
It turns out it means "small ditch by the side of road.
" - Oh, my God.
- And that's really not me.
I'm more of a big ditch kind of guy.
- Yeah.
No.
Absolutely.
- Yeah.
- I can see that.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Your friend was right.
You are great.
You're just, like, a big, fun, cuddly, teddy bear softy man.
Not true.
No, I think you pegged me all wrong.
- I'm I'm a bad boy.
- Mm-hmm? Yeah.
I'm dangerous.
I'm the kind of guy who pulls triggers.
Perfect.
Been looking to find a man like you for a long time.
You mean a Dutch prince named Dirck.
- Exactly! - Who's got the big ditch.
(LAUGHING) You got to tell me what you had to barter with Florida Project back there to get him to give you the key to Ciccone's room.
Was it a uncomfortable selfie? Or, uh Oh, voicemail for his sick aunt? - No.
- What was it? I just took it.
What? Wait.
You just took it? Yeah.
I snatched it.
I figure we got about six minutes to get in there, get what we need to get.
And then we'll have to climb out the window and jump into the motel pool or something.
Dude! Dude, I just met someone! I just got her number, okay? Things are looking up for me and Willow.
I've got something to live for.
I don't exactly feel like playing Riggs in Lethal Weapon - this morning.
- Yeah.
Well, I don't want to be Damon Wayans in the TV version, so we're on the same page.
We need to go in there, look for clues as to why Ciccone did not meet us.
Are you ready? Yeah.
Whoa.
Looks like Ciccone was in a rush to get out of here.
- Or it was unplanned.
- Like, he was taken? Check it out.
A watch.
Oh, there's an inscription on the back.
- What's it say? - I don't know.
I don't read Klingon.
That's Ukrainian.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're taking his watch? I'm borrowing it for analysis later.
Oh, he's got a message.
MAN: Mr.
Ciccone, it's Fatty.
There's a package for you arriving in the morning.
It'll be at the front desk.
- Who is Fatty? - What's in the package? Alright.
You know what? Let's just go try and pick up on Ciccone's trail.
Why aren't you following me? Um, I I have a date later with Willow.
I know, I know.
This is way more important, but No! That is more important! Dave, my mind is blown! I love this! - You do? - Yeah! - Are you sure? - A hundred percent.
(LAUGHING) Okay.
Alright.
Oh, she's perfect.
You were so right, man.
I said, "Heck.
" And I let go, and I was open to the possibilities.
And now, I feel like I am floating on air, man! I mean Yes! That's what I'm talking about, being open to the universe, feeling that wind under those Dave Leigh wings.
It just feels really fast, so I should just - Stop.
- What? That's negative Dave, okay? Get negative Dave out of there.
You left negative Dave back at the bar, okay? Uh, okay.
Yeah.
He's gone.
I'm going to get this watch analyzed.
But good luck tonight.
Yes! Ride that wind, baby.
- Okay.
- (IMITATING WIND SOUNDS) - Do it with me.
- Do what? - The wings.
(IMITATING WIND) - I'm open.
Yeah.
Feeling it.
It's weird.
What you're doing is offensive.
- What are you talking about? - It's offensive.
Stop.
- Can I see that? - This is fun.
Hey, um (CLEARING THROAT) I don't want to rush us, but I made an early reservation at a romantic restaurant that does six courses.
So, you know, we should Oh.
Yes.
I hear you.
Just let me look at a couple things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Do do your thing.
There's just, you know, sparkly and (GASPING) Oh.
(GASPING, SQUEALING) Davey, look! Isn't that gorgeous? I I actually think this might be, like, my perfect ring.
- (CHUCKLING) - Oh, wow.
I feel like a princess.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) - Do you love it? - I absolutely love it.
Yeah.
It is big.
That's a big one.
(CHUCKLING) It's funny.
My my mother always thought I would end up proposing with my grandmother's ring.
- Oh.
- It's smaller, but, um, it's vintage, so it's got a kind of cool thing.
Wait.
Are we even having this convo right now? - (LAUGHING) For fun.
- Right.
- For real for fun.
- For real for fun.
A guy who likes to pull triggers, right? Oh! No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I am still trigger-pullin' Dave.
- (LAUGHING) Bam, bam, bam.
- (LAUGHING) But, um, if we are talking just for talking, I don't know if the bauble is in the budget.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's that's okay.
(CHUCKLING) - I understand.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Cool.
I mean, maybe we can come back another day, when I've saved up a little bit.
You know what? I've got it.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
- She's got this.
Wow.
- We'll take it.
- In fact, we'll take all of them.
- Oh! - (GRUNTING) - Oh! They seemed so sweet and very much in love.
Then out of nowhere, the girl went nuts and hit me with her gun.
Can you describe the assailants physically? Uh, that won't be necessary.
We pulled all the security footage.
- Okay.
Thanks, Rafalski.
- Yeah.
SAM: Wait.
Are Is that - It's Dave.
- No.
I'm so sorry, Sam.
I I may have had something to do with this.
- You what? - I I introduced him to a girl.
They hit it off.
- You made him do this? - I didn't make him do anything.
He was acting like a loser, and I told him to take a chance.
Well, your chance has him looking like the prime suspect in an armed robbery! I know.
I told him he should be pulling triggers in his life.
I didn't literally think he would pull triggers.
Okay.
Despite the fact that Dave is on this tape, there is zero chance that he was a willing participant in a robbery.
So it must mean he's in over his head or or or involved in something that is out of his control and potentially dangerous.
(PHONE RINGING) He's not picking up.
(PHONE RINGING) - It's Boyle.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Hey, hey, hey.
Do not tell him about Dave! We need to stay ahead of this thing! Let me handle this.
- Hey, Chief.
- Hey, Shaw.
- Just checking in with you.
- Uh, all good.
There was a theft at Roger's Jewellers, but they have security footage, so we're just following up on a couple of leads.
Okay.
Keep me posted.
Um one of the people on that camera - was Dave.
- What? - Yeah, but he is not involved.
- Oh! Are you kidding me? - Uh, but we may have a - Oh, you're a snitch! - situation on our hands.
- You're a snitch! - I just - Snitches get stitches.
We have it covered.
I just wanted to let you know.
Well, I trust you.
Do what you have to.
Thank you, Chief.
Will do.
(HORSE NEIGHING) (TRYING TO SPEAK) Ah! You're not going to get away with this, Boyle! Yeah, well, from where I'm standing, Ciccone, - it looks like I am.
- (GRUNTING) Help! Why would you tell him about Dave? Dave has a record! Because he's my boss, and he's on our side.
Is he, though? Where was he calling from? Hmm? What? I have no idea! Who cares? Dave is what matters here! You're right.
We have to find Dave.
We have no idea where he is or what condition he's in.
WILLOW: Davey, you know what would be fun? We could get some of those vegan wings from Bucket Hut and eat them in bed.
And I'll dip them and feed them to you while we watch, like, a bad movie on TV.
Do you like action comedies as much as I do? Willow, let me out of these cuffs.
Let's talk.
I told you that there were things you didn't know about me, and then you told me that you couldn't wait to learn every single one! And were you just telling me what I wanted to hear? Listen, whatever you're involved in, you don't have to do this.
I can help you.
No! You wouldn't understand.
Of course I would understand.
Hey, we can just return the jewelry.
Boom.
Start over.
Look.
My best friend, Harley Carter, you met him last night.
He's a great detective.
And my other best friend is the chief of police right now.
They can help us get out of this.
I don't have friends like that.
DAVE: Yeah.
Well, I do.
And I can be that friend for you.
It's not too late.
It's not? It's not.
And you would really do that for me, Dave? You know I would.
Okay, well, now, my mascara is all messed up, so I'm going to go to the bathroom and clean it up.
And then we can go! Hey, what about these cuffs? - That's her, right? - HARLEY: Yup.
- And this one? - HARLEY: Oh.
And this one, this one and this one.
Girl has got a lot of different looks.
Yeah.
I think the database technically calls them "aliases.
" She has a list of petty crimes as long as my arm.
Was a troubled kid, part of the system, not stable.
Willow, I just need my cell so I can call Harley to let him know we're on our way back.
- (DOOR OPENING) - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey.
Hey.
Sorry, Dave.
SAM: Meet Vincent Nardo, a dangerous guy.
I mean, not just unstable but a cunning psychopath.
Dave is in more trouble than we thought.
VINCE: Hello, friend.
You remember the rules, Dave? Yeah.
If I talk, signal, or make eye contact with anybody, everybody dies.
That's a good boy, Dave.
Oh, and, uh, you need to know that, um, Willow, she works holistically, but I, uh, I work sadistically.
(SLAPPING) Can I get you folks something to drink? Can I have a coffee, please, with milk and sugar? Uh, coffee, nine sugars, and, uh, orange juice or whatever passes for that in this fine establishment.
And, uh, we're going to have the pancakes.
Okay.
Sir? Do you need more time? The lady is waiting, Dave.
Oh.
Good for you, sweetie.
(CHUCKLING) That was a very big mistake you made at the jewelry store.
You're supposed to find us a stooge and put him on the hook, not go fantasy shopping for bling with him.
WILLOW: I was being spontaneous.
I thought that's what you liked that about me.
Yeah.
What I like is when you stick to the plan, Willow.
They get the exposure.
We stay out of sight.
They got you on the security cam.
It's not going to take them long to figure out who we are.
(SIGHING) Huh.
We should also get a new set of wheels before we leave town.
- (CLEARING THROAT QUIETLY) - Yes, David? Bathroom? Oh, you want to find a window that large enough so you can, uh, shimmy your slim frame out of it? Leave him alone.
(DOOR OPENING) Let's go, Dave.
I'm a hungry boy.
One minute, please.
(DOOR CLOSING) - Anything? - I put out a BOLO for the car.
There's nothing else we can do.
We just have to wait.
- We don't know where he is.
- (PHONE CHIMING) We have no idea what direction they went in.
- Oh, my gosh.
- What? What am I looking at? HARLEY: It's an autographed beer label that I gave to Dave.
Someone named @TootsieBoomBoom at the Blue Bell Motel just posted it.
Dave must have left it there, - hoping someone would tag me.
- Like a celebrity bat signal.
Yeah! He's leaving us breadcrumbs.
- I taught him so well.
- Stop talking.
The Blue Bell Motel? Sam, do you know anything about Ukrainian wedding customs? What? No.
Why why are you asking me that? It's a little something I'm noodling on.
Look at this.
Handcuffs.
I'm hoping Dave didn't have to use a safe word.
Well, the guy at the front desk said that Dave looked okay when they checked out.
Harl.
HARLEY: Blood? (SNIFFING) Uh-uh.
Syrup.
He also said that Vince took off without paying for their pancake breakfast.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Someone must have been really mad at this pancake.
Mm.
I get it.
It tastes terrible.
So, Vince wakes up with a hankering for a fresh, delicious pancake.
Instead, gets this thing that tastes like a homeless person made it with their feet.
What's his next move? I say we find the best pancake place in town.
Uh, that's them, but I don't know where they went after they left.
I felt a little sorry for Beardy, though.
He didn't look good.
Which table? SERVER: Middle booth, but it's been bussed.
HARLEY: Okay, Dave.
Okay.
Talk to me.
I know you left us clue.
Ooh.
Okay.
Blue, green, yellow.
- No red.
It's an incomplete set.
- (PHONE RINGING) Okay.
What else you got for me, Davey boy? What you got, Rafalski? We got a 10-44 in an abandoned car about 10 kilometers shy of Bishop.
Execution-type deal.
I think it's the perp from the footage of the gas station job.
We found a gun, but get this.
It's a toy.
He was the only one on the camera, so if somebody took him out, he had to have an accomplice or accomplices.
There's something else, Sam.
I read about two other cases on the blotter.
Single males, both found shot dead in abandoned cars after being caught on camera committing robberies.
Now, the thing is, neither of these guys had a record.
Then they both go rogue and die in the exact same way? I mean, that can't be a coincidence, can it? Not likely.
Good work, Rafalski.
- What? - Dave may be in more danger than we think.
What if Vince and Willow are forcing him to commit crimes? You mean like at the jewelry store? Exactly.
They get him on camera, they implicate him, and then they trade him out for another Dave.
So, they make him part of the gang, and then they, what, just let him go? Hey.
The waitress said that the beardy guy didn't look too good.
Whenever Dave is at a party and he gets nervous, he has to use the restroom and calls it his BOTH: Mini-vacation.
Talk to me, Dave.
Come on, Dave.
Dave, Dave, Dave.
Talk to me, Dave.
Oh.
Oh.
(MUFFLED SHOUTING) Listen.
You hear that? (MUFFLED SHOUTING) MAN: Help! Come on! Is there anybody there? Help! - SAM: It's coming from the car.
- MAN: I'm stuck in here! HARLEY: I'll check for keys.
MAN: Hey! Hey! Somebody there? SAM: Hang on.
We got you.
MAN: Get me out of here! Harley Carter? Never saw those two, just the bearded guy.
Said his name was Kel Cahoon.
Kel Cahoon? Yeah.
It sounded made-up to me, too.
But then my real name is Fenster Laudermilk, so I let it slide.
He introduced himself, said he was looking to trade out cars.
Then bam.
Lights out.
And the next thing I know, I got Harley Carter pulling me from the trunk of a '85 Cadillac.
That name mean anything to you? Cahoon? No.
Pretty subtle breadcrumb.
Did he say anything else, anything that might help us find him? Pretty much just his name.
Although when I was in the trunk, I I think I heard a car going over the train tracks, which are just due east of here, headed out of town.
Does that help, Mr.
Carter? VINCE: What's the matter, baby? You don't like your burger? It's meatless, like you like.
I'm just tired, Vince, and being an outlaw is not as glamorous as you claimed.
It's a lot of driving and bad food and cheap motels.
Come on, baby.
Hey, babe.
I know it's been rough lately, okay? Come on.
But we're working towards something here.
One last job, and then we retire.
Then it's off to Mexico or, uh, Bermuda or Florida.
World's your oyster, babe.
We just need to take care of a couple loose ends.
WILLOW: Do we have to do that this time? Maybe we could just let him go.
Let him go? I'm sorry.
Did you just say "let him go"? WILLOW: Uh - Are you sweet on him or something? - No! I just think he's nice.
VINCE: Nice.
You think he's nice.
Do you think a a norm like, uh, Dave here is going to stick it out with a no-account criminal like yourself if you didn't already have a gun stuck to his ribs? You think you got a future with old Dave here? Well, I got news for you, sugar bits.
After this last job, Dave has no future.
We could still be going.
Go where? We're just driving right now.
The trail has gone cold.
Let's just strategize, try and figure out what their next move is, - what they're going after.
- I cannot believe that Dave is out there somewhere, in danger, and we cannot find him.
We'll find him.
It's just I'm a detective, and I'm good at what I do.
And so are you, and yet, I feel helpless.
It's just so personal.
Harley if I haven't made this clear before, I need you to know that you are one of the most important people in my life and in my world.
And I never, ever want to imagine a day or a place that you are not a part of.
(WHISPERING) I feel the same way.
What are you doing? Am I reading this wrong? (SIGHING) - Is this about Boyle? - Boyle? Please just tell me this is about anything except for Boyle.
Oh, now, I see.
This is about Boyle for you.
What is this, some kind of, like, wolf pack competition thing? You're you're trying to get back at him because you think he likes me or something? This is not a competition, okay? You don't you don't really know who Boyle is.
Oh, really? Well, I know he's a guy who's good at his job, I know that he is a decent person who is making an effort to connect to you and to the department.
And you are the one who is being petty and immature, not going to his party that he invited you to.
I know that.
If he's so innocent, where'd he get all this money to buy up all these random properties in Bishop, huh? How how do you know that? Have you been investigating him this whole time and doing it behind my back? What is the matter with you? Yeah, with me? What's the matter with Boyle? He is not a good guy.
The money is from an inheritance! - You are so under his spell.
- His spell? There was a disciplinary hearing, redacted files.
There's stolen drug money.
He may have possibly killed an officer.
How far are you going to go with this? Did you just make all of that up to save face for a failed kiss? Kel Cahoon.
Sam! Sam! Sam.
Sam, I know where Dave is.
The name he used at the car dealership, it was a secret clue to me.
It was this character I played in a terrible, terrible, terrible independent film I did years ago.
I totally forgot about it, but Dave is, like, my biggest fan, so he remembers everything.
Kel Cahoon, he's a deputy in this small town.
He seeks his father's redemption, who's the sheriff.
And he's going to do so by thwarting these bank robbers who are going to knock over a small-town bank.
Sounds like a decent movie, actually.
Yeah.
The script was really good.
I thought I was going to get a Spirit Award nom, but the director was going through a divorce.
He was self-medicating.
The point is, all these small scores are just a lead-up to the big one! They are headed east to rob a bank! So we just need to find the next bank in the next town east of us.
That's where they'll be! Stay put.
Look, I don't blame you for this, okay? I know you're not like Vince.
I see the real Willow, and I like what I see.
Who knows? Maybe, in another life, I could have been your Prince Charming, a nice guy like me.
It sounds like a fairy tale.
I can't afford to believe in those.
Alright.
Show time, dummies.
Hop in.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Alright.
Now, Willow's going to push you in, like the good little helper that she is.
You are going to take this note.
You're going to give it to the teller.
Act calm.
Easy-peasy, just like we rehearsed last night, okay? Let's go.
Open this door, Willow.
- No.
- Open this door! - Uh-uh.
- What are you doing? Willow, what are you doing? Something I should have done a long time ago! (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
(LAUGHING) It's bulletproof windows, dummy! Oh, you think you can do this without me, huh, Willow? You can't do anything without me! - Oh, yeah? Listen up, everyone! - (SCREAMING) - Get down! - You do not want to do that! - (FIRING GUN) - (PEOPLE SCREAMING) Oh! Oh, no! Where am I ever going to find another girl as dumb, aimless, and willing as you? Oh, I know! Everywhere! Ha, ha, ha! Good luck in prison, sweetie! (BANGING) And no, I won't be baking you a cake with a file in it! Ah! Hey.
You must be Vince.
I would be the law.
- Do you still want to get married? - Tell you what.
You give me the gun.
Let's talk about it.
And maybe in a couple months - Yes or no? - Oh! Well, of course, yes! - (LAUGHING) Yes.
- Yeah! Let's do this.
- Yes.
- Okay.
Okay.
You're wondering why I haven't drawn my gun.
And you're wondering if I know about the gun at the back of your pants.
To answer your next question, I'm I'm pretty fast.
Maybe not the fastest there is, but so far, I've always been fast enough.
- Well talk is easy.
- So let's talk a bit more.
Everyone calm down! It's not a robbery! - But it is a wedding! - (PEOPLE YELPING) - Is anyone here ordained? - (PEOPLE YELPING) Uh, I got ordained online to marry a couple friends.
WILLOW: Yeah! Yeah! Oh! Okay.
Congratulations.
I'm so sorry.
Thank you! Thank you! Okay.
(LAUGHING) Best day ever.
I have drawn my gun and fired at a fellow human being 12 times.
I do not enjoy it.
Do you want to know how many people I've killed? Five, and don't interrupt.
Point is, 12 gunfights, and I've never had to kill anybody.
I've been lucky.
Well, maybe today is the day your luck runs out.
Say it, holy man! We are gathered here in the Everfield Trust to join these two interesting people in holy matrimony.
(BANGING ON DOOR) I'm the best man! Harley Carter? We always promised to be each other's best man if we ever got married.
And he is the man who introduced us.
Okay.
Let him in.
- Lock the door behind you! - Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Hey.
You okay? DAVE: Yeah.
Uh, I'm being forced into a marriage, but other that that, I'm peachy.
Hey, ceremony's over here! Okay.
Harley Carter, everyone.
You're ballsy.
Eh.
Personally, I feel balls are highly overrated.
I think it was John Wayne that once said - (FIRING) - (GRUNTING) (GROANING) Dave Leigh has been one of my best friends since I was old enough to care about things like best friends.
So this particular shootout? This one I did enjoy.
ORDAINED MAN: And if there are no objections, by the power vested in me by the Online Church of Unlimited Devotion dot org, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Kiss the bride, so we can get the hell out of here.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING) Thank you.
I just really wanted one nice memory before I go to prison.
- I understand.
- (LAUGHING) - Congratulations, Mrs.
Cahoon.
- WILLOW: Thank you.
I always cry at weddings.
(SIRENS WAILING OUTSIDE) Where's the reception? I knew Boyle had an inheritance, but that doesn't account for all this.
- I know this is hard.
- Don't do that.
Don't comfort me.
No one is above the law.
It's just, none of this squares with the man that I know.
Wait.
I do know this place.
Stables that Boyle told me about, where he brought his horse to live, - so he could be close to him.
- You think he's there? - I think I'm going to find out.
- I'll meet you guys there.
There's something I got to do first.
(NEIGHING) (MAN SHOUTING) - Stay here.
- Sam! Stay.
- (MAN SHOUTING) - (HORSE NEIGHING) (SHOUTING) Is that the best you got? Nah, I got more.
- (GRUNTING) - (CICCONE GROANING) (GRUNTING) SAM: Boyle! I'd really love an explanation, because from where I'm standing, this looks unprofessional.
He's crazy.
He's a murderer.
- And I got evidence.
- He's lying.
He's the one that's dirty.
That's why I brought him here, to get a confession the hard way.
I read some interesting documents today.
Were those lies, too? - What are you waiting for? Shoot him! - BOTH: Shut up! Knock, knock, knock! Whoa! What's going on in here? Seems a little tense.
Harley, I owe you an apology.
Everything you said was true.
HARLEY: Don't even worry about it.
Uh, a lot has changed since last time we talked.
Hey, Ciccone.
Thanks for telling us about that ambush in New York.
I get shot in the leg.
Another cop gets shot dead.
A boatload of drug money never makes it into evidence.
So, when we found those offshore accounts on Boyle's computer You were on my computer? Yeah.
Sorry about that.
We thought it was stolen drug money that Ciccone had told us about, but it was actually evidence that you were compiling against Ciccone.
What are you, nuts? We also found this watch in your motel room.
It's got a good weight to it.
But what's so cool about it is this inscription in the back.
It's in Ukrainian.
We had to get it translated.
And it says, "Wealth begins with a wife," which is kind of cool, because because Dave just got married.
Congrats, buddy.
But what's so interesting about this watch is the date that's inscribed on the back: - April 10th, 2018.
- So what? We also heard a voicemail on your motel voicemail from someone with the body-positive name of Fatty.
(LAUGHING) I was like, "What kind of name is 'Fatty'?" So I had to look that up, and I found out it was actually "Faddei," F-A-D-D-E-I.
Glushenko.
Faddei Glushenko.
Exactly.
Pretty high up in New York's Odessa mob.
Also happened to get married April 10th, 2018, Do all groomsmen get watches, Ciccone? Because Dave just married, and I didn't get squat.
Glushenko also sent this to your motel room.
What do you what do you think it is? Do you think it's do you think it's cufflinks to go with the watch? I'm going to say it's a gun.
I can't wait any longer.
Oh.
(GRUNTING) Here we go.
Oh.
Oh! I was right! It's a gun! See, this is why Christmas morning was always ruined for me.
I always knew what was in the box.
You were working for Glushenko.
- It's my gun because he says so? - Why did Glushenko send you this gun? What's so special about this gun? BOYLE: It was the gun used in the ambush, the gun that killed the uniformed cop.
CICCONE: You just keep talking, Boyle.
Every cop in New York knows you were on the take! Never! I remember that night very clearly.
We got an anonymous tip that Glushenko was making a sale.
Let me paint a picture of my theory.
You guys showed up, and the place was deserted.
- All hell broke loose.
- (GUNS FIRING, MEN SHOUTING) A uniformed cop got shot.
Somehow, Boyle got out of there alive.
BOYLE: Ballistics said that same weapon that shot the uniformed cop shot you in the leg.
But you shot yourself in the leg, didn't you? (GUNS FIRING) (FIRING) Ah! (GROANING) And they never found the gun.
That's pure fantasy.
Everyone knows what you did! What I know is that a disciplinary hearing cleared me for lack of evidence.
But you limped around, telling anyone who would listen that I was the one responsible for orchestrating that that that ambush, that I was the one that - pulled that trigger! - HARLEY: Hey, hey, hey.
My brothers on the force still think I'm guilty! Boyle.
Boyle.
Boyle was onto you and Glushenko, so you were going to plant this gun on him.
But he somehow survived.
We were partners, Ciccone.
We were partners.
You found out that Boyle was up here in Bishop, trying to clear his name, so you were going to plant the gun on him, point Dave and I right to it.
You were going to pin a murder on Boyle that you committed.
But Boyle got to you at the motel before you had a chance.
You underestimated me.
You underestimated Boyle.
And you still have not gotten Dave a wedding gift.
You think you're so smart, pretty boy.
You're nothing but hot air.
I'm Marco Ciccone.
And when I'm through with (MUFFLED SHOUTING) HARLEY: Sorry about our argument last night.
Sorry about being so wrong about Boyle, although, in my defence, he could have said something when he found out we were investigating him.
- So it's kind of his fault.
- (LAUGHING) He just isn't quick to trust anyone.
You know, it was his case.
It's his life to sort out.
I can relate.
You did good, Harley.
I don't want to be overly dramatic, but you kind of gave him his life back.
It's what I do, every Wednesday night, 10pm, 9 Central.
Check your local listings.
Alright.
Get him processed.
Meet you guys back at the station.
OFFICER: Yeah, yeah.
No problem.
Um, I should Yeah.
No.
Of course.
Yeah.
Go.
DENTIST: Open wide.
Say "ah.
" PATIENT: Ahh