Cassandra French's Finishing School (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
Health & Fitness
1 Previously on "Cassandra French's Finishing School" Cassandra, you know Eiljah relatively well.
- You must know what he likes.
- Yeah, Cassandra.
You must know what I like.
Uh, there's Kaylee, but I'm not quite - Oh, the Snapchat girl! - She's kind of vapid.
Oh, no, no.
I know her manager.
Too bad you're not a social media star.
[Deep voice.]
All right, Ms.
Daisy.
[Normal voice.]
What do you talk about in therapy? Oh, my God! [Moans passionately.]
I I don't know, I just, like, talk about my feelings and shit.
Maybe what we've been missing is another teacher.
Do I get a business card? He is my chance.
Your followers are gonna be so impressed - by your new healthy lifestyle.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
[Engine starts, revs.]
Uh, I got to say this is not the kind of first date - that I typically go on.
- [laughs.]
What, the location or the company? Uh, they usually consist of awkward silences and chain restaurants with guys who talk about movies that I have never seen.
- Mm, "Jurassic Park.
" - Doesn't ring a bell.
Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have to slum it with an evening in the tropics.
Hey, it's no Outback, but it'll do.
Oh, you'd rather be in the outback? No, the Outback Steakhouse? Bloomin' onion, it's, like, 13 pounds of fried You know what? It's better that you don't know.
I actually quite like that you don't know.
- My ignorance amuses you? - Hey, we'll call it innocence! Don't know if the papers back home would agree with you on that one.
Oh, you slutty? I had my fun, you know, some years ago.
But there comes a point when there's not really a challenge anymore.
I don't know.
These days, I'm looking for something a little more more real.
And yet you act for a living? Says the PR manager.
But there is truth in performance.
A million words spilled over love throughout the ages, but it took Shakespeare to bring it to life.
"Let me not to the marriage of true minds "Admit impediments.
"Love is not love "Which alters when it alteration finds, "Or bends with the remover to remove.
"Oh, no! It is an ever-fixed mark" Um, Mr.
Foster, sorry to interrupt.
Uh, I know we said you could have the stage.
But "NCIS" has to do some re-shoots, so [Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
Sorry, Hollywood magic does have an expiration date, right? Apparently, but, hey, it's no big deal.
I can go to Hawaii anytime I like.
Yeah, we can still be tourists and eat Spam and get horribly sunburned, great.
[Laughs.]
Have you ever been to Denny's? - No, is it good? - No, it's the worst.
But it's also just kind of the best.
- I want to take you.
- Yeah.
All the things that I've done Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one Of all of the things that I've done [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
[Urine splashes.]
We can't respect others if we don't respect ourselves.
And the first step in respecting ourselves is to respect our environment.
You know the ancient Japanese.
They rebuilt their shrines every 20 years just to make sure they were clean.
So you want me to rebuild my bathroom.
I want you not to pee on the seat.
Clean it up.
- Now.
Thank you.
- [Sighs.]
On the top.
There's there's a lot more.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you! Now, I've laid out some clothes on the bed.
Let's go attack the morning! Come on Let's sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake - Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake - [Sighs.]
Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake Someone abused their universe - Making everybody mad - [Cellphone vibrates.]
Have to get in Have to get down Come on Let's sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake And here she go down in the city - Who will receive my SOS? - My SOS L.
A.
, L.
A.
, L.
A.
, L.
A.
, C.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
L.
A, L.
A, L.
A, L.
A, C.
A.
, U.
S.
A [Singing softly.]
[Cellphone vibrates.]
- Cassandra, good morning.
- What up, boss lady? Unlock your door.
Your door, unlock it.
[Sighs.]
I've been behind you for three blocks.
Do you realize your left taillight is out? You were running behind me? Yeah, well, my Uber was five minutes late.
Who has time to wait around like that? This way, I stay ahead, and he can catch up.
Have you seen Elijah? Elijah? Just purely in a professional capacity.
Well, let him know that the Kaylee date is on.
I have spoken to his people, and we have an agreement.
I'd like to get it started right away.
So Kaylee and Elijah will be Dating, fucking, I don't particularly care so long as we capture it and put it online.
Not the fucking.
[Gasps.]
Although is there a No.
We'll wait on that.
All in good time.
I'd like you to be there at their first meeting today.
I wouldn't really want them to start devising a social media strategy all on their own.
You want me to be on their first date? - Uh-huh.
- Is that a great idea Oh, don't you worry.
Your only job is going to be keeping an eye on them and getting them back on track if they get lost, you know, like a chaperone.
Just take a few candid pics of the cute couple, but not too candid.
[Gasps.]
Although, is there a No, we'll wait on that.
All in good time.
Oh! There is my Uber.
[Chuckles.]
Gonna be a two star, I can feel it.
- [Chuckles.]
- All right, report back! I'll be waiting.
Bye! Bye! Someone's wearing last night's clothes.
- Twinsies.
- You look like a hot mess.
[Chuckles.]
I know.
[Grunting.]
Hey.
D-D-D-D-Dig the outfit.
You going to you you you going out to pop it in to pop it in in the in the club? - Does she have to do that? - Mm? Oh, uh, I'm I'm hopin' to get some s-s-s-s-some of that sweet Y-YouTube cash.
I'm making m-m-m-m-m-m-my own channel.
- "D-D-Doug Does.
" - [Clears throat.]
So it's about it's about, uh, it's about me, uh, uh, Doug, and I do, uh, stuff.
So people can, like, comment a-a-a-a-and be and be like, "Hey, hey, uh, hey, hey, Doug, do, uh, d-d-d-do a wheelie.
" And then Dou and then Dou and then Dou and then Doug does it.
"Doug Does.
" Does Doug get his head violently shoved up his own ass? Wh It's co it's co it's cool now.
[Clears throat.]
Noticed the lawn is, uh the leaves are starting to pile pile up, and I just I - Stay off the lawn, Doug, - The first clean and tell Doreen to stay away, too.
Doug Doug Doug Doug Doug "Doug Does.
" You have to do something about him.
- I know.
I'm handling it.
- Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Give me the deets.
Show me the receipts.
- It was intense.
- Oh, my God.
One-night stand with celebrities.
My baby's growin' up.
Okay, technically, it was not a one-night stand.
Hey, there is no shame in the walk of shame.
I mean, mine's basically a marathon.
I don't know, I mean, we were there.
We were like right there.
And I wanted to, but I also wanted to wait, and then he wanted to wait.
So it was just like a thing? Yeah, I think it's a thing.
[Chuckling.]
A thing? That's awesome.
Okay, uh, just just be careful.
[Sighs.]
What is that supposed to mean? It means fucking be careful.
Be careful.
Whatever.
I don't I don't need your caution tape.
And what what about your thing with your therapist? Agh, it's not a it's not a thing.
It's not a thing.
She just Shut up.
She just, like, wants to fuckin' talk, like, all the fuckin' time.
And she wants to explore, which is kind of cool actually.
But I don't know why.
Dudes just want to, like, fuck and leave, and that's way better.
It's a lot more fitting with my schedule.
- Just fuck 'em and leave.
- Good morning, colleagues.
[Chuckles.]
Sex hair.
Double sex hair? Oh, my God, talk.
Cassie tangled with her British boy toy.
[Laughs.]
No.
Cass, yes, okay, tell me.
Okay, we went out, we had a very nice time, and that is where that tune ends.
- No.
- And, yes, considering that my last sexual conquest is 10 feet below in chains, I'm very good with waiting.
Well, it sounds like you're making a connection.
Just be careful, you know? - Okay, really? - What? What did you did you sleep here? I have not had time for sleep, you guys.
Do you want to see what I did? You want to see what I did.
Come on.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
- This is wow.
- Mm-hmm.
It looks like Etsy took a massive shit on everything.
Okay.
Well, the energy map of this room was all off.
So I brought in some basic elements of environmental design.
You know, proper energy flow is crucial for educational success.
I could send you guys some links.
Uh, here's a possible stupid question.
Where's the boy? [Chuckles.]
[Singsong voice.]
We are ready whenever you are.
I don't want to come out.
He thinks you're gonna laugh at him.
We are not gonna laugh at you.
We're all adults here.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
Okay.
- Oh.
- [Laughs.]
Unh [Laughs.]
- Fucking I knew it.
- No, no, no, no.
He looks great.
Doesn't he, girls? He looks great.
For an AC/DC cover band, sure.
He looks so good.
You look you look really, really great.
I just I have one question for you.
"Please sir, may I have some more?" [Both laugh.]
I think he looks stylish.
You have to dress for success.
And more importantly, I designed it for its mobility.
Owen, show 'em what you can do.
- Do I have to do it now? - Oh, yes.
Oh, my God, please show us what you can do.
Please show us what you can do.
Nobody has to do anything.
Life is about harnessing powers of joy.
- So you really don't have to.
- Okay, if you stop talking, I'll do it.
- Hmm? - He touched his toes.
8 centimeters further than Sunday.
His hamstrings are releasing, people.
- What a magical day.
- I mean, yeah, you might be be able to join the Quidditch team.
He's still not big on hugging.
We're working on it.
I'd actually like to take him to a personal connection seminar.
Oh, but wait, no.
I I I scheduled the morning for, like, basic table manners.
Uh, I mean, I guess we can do some rearranging.
Uh, yeah, actually, now that we're on that, um, - I would like to book out - the foreplay lab.
- Labs are more of a weekend thing.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
But, like, he could really, - really use the hours.
- And, uh, you know, there's nothin' better than hands-on experience.
Okay.
You know what? You guys just do whatever you want to.
Just make sure it reflects in the schedule.
Yes? - I will make sure it reflects.
- Okay.
[Gasps.]
Oh.
Yes.
I don't know why you bother.
If I never left the house, I wouldn't bother with makeup or a bra.
A woman needs to be a woman.
[Sighs.]
Cassie Bear, what's up with you today? What's the word for, uh, less on the verge of a panic attack than normal? - Klonopin? - Uh [Both sigh.]
I met someone.
Cassie Bear! You buried the lead! Oh, I'm so excited.
We've got to celebrate.
I'm I'm gonna get some wine.
- Mom.
No, it's the morning.
- Some wine.
I'm definitely not drinking with you.
There you are, okay.
Tell me about him.
- Okay.
He's really nice.
- Oh! - And he's funny.
- Ooh.
- Smart, and he's British.
- [Gasps.]
Ooh.
'Ello.
The accent.
Good, where'd you meet? - Uh, we met at work.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's an actor.
- Oh, Christ! See, I knew it.
There's the judgment.
Oh, he's an actor or a writer or one of these video game maker creators.
You would rather me date a guy who runs insurance scams? That's unfair.
Yeah, you can call it unfair all you want to.
All I know is, if my guy went missing, I'd be doing a hell of a lot more than you are to try to find him.
What's to try? Ted's gone.
Lord knows where he is.
I don't know, maybe do some sleuthing.
I mean, if you helped to try to find him, the judge will shorten your sentence, which just means that you get out of here sooner, which means that I will get out of here sooner.
You think that I want to be interrupting your life? You're a young woman, I know.
You don't want to be spending time here with Mom.
I have you go get me things so that I can see anybody.
You get arrested and, mnh, all your friends, they're just very supportive.
Yeah.
Then the indictment comes down and the smart birds, well, they take off before the storm hits.
And, suddenly, you're guilty and you're stuck in a condo.
And, sure, yeah, people are allowed to come here, but nobody ever does.
I know it must be so hard being trapped in a place that you don't want to be.
I don't know.
I don't.
You want to tell me more about your new guy? Not really.
You want to put on makeup until we look like Kardashians? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I do.
Real bad.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
So then, like, Vivic, he put me on night tours which is basically just like, ooh, like, point out the junkies.
And, uh, so anyways, I had all these Midwest moms, and I you know, I-I thought that they were cool.
They see a lot of meth heads down in Topeka, you know? They see a lot of those, but anyways, so we we stumble across some tweakers, uh, fucking doggy style What are you doin'? - What? - What are you lookin' at? Y-you were you were talking, and I was listening.
I was telling you about my day and I was, like, fucking open up to you opening up to you and shit.
And you were like staring at another women's tits.
No.
No, no, I wasn't.
I mean I I wasn't, like I wasn't looking, I was like, "Whoa, motion.
" - [Air horn blows.]
- Ow, Jesus Christ! Volume, you guys.
Okay, I'm not I I wasn't I wasn't staring.
I I I was glancing, but I wasn't staring.
- Mnh.
Oh.
- What? I'm not allowed to look at her? - [Air horn blows.]
- Ow! Oh, geez! Oh! Great, now I can't hear.
Awesome.
I am right here.
Hey, hi, hello.
I'm a woman.
I am a woman sitting right in front of you.
And I'm trying to connect with you.
Mnh, and her ass is gyrating five feet away from me.
It's like asking for me to look at it.
- Hey.
Get him up.
- What, wait, what are we doing? [Sighs.]
Apparently your body only exists for Owen's visual pleasures.
And I don't see why the tables can't be turned.
I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Do you remember Julie Tanner's sleepover? Yes, and you hated Julie Tanner.
Yeah, I still do.
I hope she burns in hell.
But if there's a time and place for this, it is most certainly here and now.
I just don't want to participate.
Okay, Lexi, even though he just sees you as a pair of tits on legs.
Ditch the schoolboy suit.
Down to what? Down to the studs, stud.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I think you have the wrong Cassandra French? Sign here.
Hello! Hello! Kaylee? Oh, you must be Cassava, the new PR assistant girl.
- Cassandra, I'm a junior - Is there Elijah there yet? Not yet, I'm sorry, are we doing Is this, like, a video thing? I thought you were coming here.
Oh, did they not tell you? They extended my Cheerlebrity tour.
I'm in Japan! Oh, my God, the people here are so nice.
The culture, amazing.
Business men are just like giving me money for, like, no apparent reason.
Oh, my God, your outfit is adorable.
Let me see it, stand up.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Okay, now back up, back up, back, back, back, back, back.
[Gasps.]
That skirt is incredible.
I need it.
No, like, seriously, I'm gonna need you to get it for me like right now.
Like seriously right now.
Now! Yeah, okay, I can maybe find one for you online Okay, I'm gonna do some stretches while I wait, okay? [Sighs.]
Hmm.
Where to start? [Gasps.]
Yes.
My my shoulders? What's wrong with my shoulders? What's the medical term for that, Lex? Uh, oh, wimpy.
That's it.
Oh, okay, the deltoids could use a little toning.
I mean, the shoulders are the thighs of the neck, so Shall we discuss the abs? I think we have to.
So, yeah, just Okay, so, let me do one for you.
This is one for special occasions, birthdays, bat mitzvahs, funerals only the fancy ones.
[Clears throat.]
A celebration across the nation for you, fill in the blank, for you! [Whispers.]
Is she online? - Look who's here.
- Hey.
Oh, my God, Elijah, you look just like your Instagram photos.
And you look even more beautiful, um, in person.
Thanks.
Uh, Cassava, could you hold me up to eye level? Higher, higher, to the side, to the other side, okay, freeze.
Now listen.
Elijah, I know that this is a scary time for you, but just stick with me, okay? A few well-placed tweets, an Instagram photo of you and me.
You are gonna be trending in no time.
You seem quite confident about that.
I know! My last three boyfriends were all promances.
- What? - PR romances? But it doesn't mean we can't still have fun.
- You like to have fun, right? - [Coughs.]
Oh, my God, you poor, sweet baby thing.
Let's get you some tea.
Cassava, can you turn me around so I can see the waiter? - Cassava? - It's not worth it.
- [Laughs.]
- Waiter? Waiter! - My thighs? - It's all about strength.
I mean thighs are the shoulders of the feet.
Audrey liked my thighs.
I'm I am sure she did.
There's porn for everything.
I mean, there's probably like 20 different sites for like man with saggy moobs.
- Mnh.
- Oh, my God, saggymanboobs.
com.
- I got to register that shit.
- Mm-hmm.
I just didn't realize it was that bad.
Oh, no, no, no.
Of course you didn't, you sweet, sweet idiot.
Why would you? [Chuckles.]
On the other hand Oh, my God.
Mnh.
Oh, my God God damn! Oh, it ain't fair.
You're just makin' a girl so hot with those sweet calves you got.
[Sighs.]
Oh, my God.
[Inhales deeply.]
I think the tide might be comin' in because mama's gettin' wet.
Okay, okay, just knock it off.
Oh, come on, baby.
Come on, baby, smile for me.
You know how nice it is when you smile.
Come on, baby.
You know how crazy that makes me.
[Chuckles.]
I just really didn't think about it that much.
You mean you've walked around your entire life wearing whatever the hell you wanted and nobody judged your worth based on your physical appearance in comparison to unrealistic beauty standards? Mnh.
I'm shocked.
Okay, let's do his face.
Okay, so great.
So this week, we'll go to the "Abolition Road" premiere, and then next week, we'll go to The Lair.
Okay, yeah, sure, I I'll get back to you on that one.
Awesome.
Okay, Cassava, Elijah and I are doing great on our own now, so you can just scamper off.
Um, Kaylee, so whoa, sorry, you're you're breaking up.
I ca But that's so weird 'cause I have great I was born wearin' black Gave my mom a heart attack Gettin' bored out my mind With the trouble that I got Wait.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Just shut up and fuck me.
[Both moaning, panting.]
- [Water rushing.]
- Oh, shit! [Both laugh.]
Be a dork I brought you some ice cream.
Are you okay? Yeah, it's been a day.
Thank you.
Oh.
Can I get a bite of that? [Both chuckle.]
- You too, huh? - Yeah.
It's been a weird one.
A mixed bag.
Yeah? Want to talk about it? Really? Well, I can't say I have any better plans.
Um So there's this guy.
A guy, always a guy.
[Chuckles.]
And we have a thing, kind of I don't know.
It's nontraditional.
- It's a secret.
- Mm.
That's intriguing.
- Go on.
- Yeah.
And I have to say, when I first met him, I wasn't quite sure.
He was just so, like, full of himself.
And but, you know, it's L.
A.
So who isn't? [Chuckles.]
But I don't know.
I started to get to know him, and now I can't get him out of my head.
Uh, I I don't know.
It kind of feels amazing.
Do you think maybe this guy feels the same way about you? I think he does.
I hope he does.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
And then everyone's like, "He's wrong for you," and, "Be careful.
" Like, I don't know.
It's, like, somehow, I'm gonna do something to screw it up.
And I don't know.
I just I just don't want to fight it.
Like, everything is so hard, and this it just feels easy.
You know? I do.
I totally do.
Owen, wh [Sighs.]
what are you doing? What? You just said you were feeling it.
No, I wasn't talki I wasn't talking about you.
Why would you think that? Oh.
[Sighs.]
Oh, shit.
[Sighs.]
Wait, Cassandra You guys are not gonna believe this one.
He kissed me.
I was talking to him about Elijah.
And I guess he just got it all mixed up in his head, - which is on me I guess.
- Oh, Cassie But then he just grabbed me.
And he he plants one on me.
And, I mean, I'm sure he's not in his right mind.
And how could he possibly be? Because, like, how could you be if you're [Gasps.]
- Cassandra Nicole French! - Whoa.
I'd like you to meet someone that, uh, Lexi here befriended at the bar.
I'm sorry.
This is Audrey.
She's from Fresno.
- Mm-hmm.
- Came out here to you know, what was it again? Find my son of a bitch, cheating-ass boyfriend.
Oh, find her son of a bitch, cheating-ass boyfriend, that's it.
- Good to meet ya.
- Ah, hey, hey, Cass, uh, do you want to sit down, have a drink? Because we're gonna be drinking a lot tonight.
[Laughs.]
Do you ever wonder if I'm dreaming of you In the night at my window - Oh! - Oh.
Cassie.
- Oh, shit.
By the light of the moon If you ever wonder If I'm dreaming of you Well, I'm not So you can stop wondering Oh, oh, if you ever wonder If I'm dreaming of you Bitch, please I've got better things To Do-o-o-o-o-ooooooooooooo Next time on "Cassandra French's Finishing School" [Vomiting.]
Audrey is here in our neighborhood.
We just have to make sure that one of us stays by her side at all times.
Owen doesn't go on spiritual retreats unless it's to the Budweiser factory.
- I'm gonna go to the cops.
- Whoa, wait! There is no choice to be made.
You are not on the menu.
Then why are you doing all this?
- You must know what he likes.
- Yeah, Cassandra.
You must know what I like.
Uh, there's Kaylee, but I'm not quite - Oh, the Snapchat girl! - She's kind of vapid.
Oh, no, no.
I know her manager.
Too bad you're not a social media star.
[Deep voice.]
All right, Ms.
Daisy.
[Normal voice.]
What do you talk about in therapy? Oh, my God! [Moans passionately.]
I I don't know, I just, like, talk about my feelings and shit.
Maybe what we've been missing is another teacher.
Do I get a business card? He is my chance.
Your followers are gonna be so impressed - by your new healthy lifestyle.
- [Camera shutter clicks.]
[Engine starts, revs.]
Uh, I got to say this is not the kind of first date - that I typically go on.
- [laughs.]
What, the location or the company? Uh, they usually consist of awkward silences and chain restaurants with guys who talk about movies that I have never seen.
- Mm, "Jurassic Park.
" - Doesn't ring a bell.
Well, I'm afraid you're gonna have to slum it with an evening in the tropics.
Hey, it's no Outback, but it'll do.
Oh, you'd rather be in the outback? No, the Outback Steakhouse? Bloomin' onion, it's, like, 13 pounds of fried You know what? It's better that you don't know.
I actually quite like that you don't know.
- My ignorance amuses you? - Hey, we'll call it innocence! Don't know if the papers back home would agree with you on that one.
Oh, you slutty? I had my fun, you know, some years ago.
But there comes a point when there's not really a challenge anymore.
I don't know.
These days, I'm looking for something a little more more real.
And yet you act for a living? Says the PR manager.
But there is truth in performance.
A million words spilled over love throughout the ages, but it took Shakespeare to bring it to life.
"Let me not to the marriage of true minds "Admit impediments.
"Love is not love "Which alters when it alteration finds, "Or bends with the remover to remove.
"Oh, no! It is an ever-fixed mark" Um, Mr.
Foster, sorry to interrupt.
Uh, I know we said you could have the stage.
But "NCIS" has to do some re-shoots, so [Laughs.]
[Chuckles.]
Sorry, Hollywood magic does have an expiration date, right? Apparently, but, hey, it's no big deal.
I can go to Hawaii anytime I like.
Yeah, we can still be tourists and eat Spam and get horribly sunburned, great.
[Laughs.]
Have you ever been to Denny's? - No, is it good? - No, it's the worst.
But it's also just kind of the best.
- I want to take you.
- Yeah.
All the things that I've done Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one Of all of the things that I've done [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
[Urine splashes.]
We can't respect others if we don't respect ourselves.
And the first step in respecting ourselves is to respect our environment.
You know the ancient Japanese.
They rebuilt their shrines every 20 years just to make sure they were clean.
So you want me to rebuild my bathroom.
I want you not to pee on the seat.
Clean it up.
- Now.
Thank you.
- [Sighs.]
On the top.
There's there's a lot more.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you! Now, I've laid out some clothes on the bed.
Let's go attack the morning! Come on Let's sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake - Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake - [Sighs.]
Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake Someone abused their universe - Making everybody mad - [Cellphone vibrates.]
Have to get in Have to get down Come on Let's sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake And here she go down in the city - Who will receive my SOS? - My SOS L.
A.
, L.
A.
, L.
A.
, L.
A.
, C.
A.
, U.
S.
A.
L.
A, L.
A, L.
A, L.
A, C.
A.
, U.
S.
A [Singing softly.]
[Cellphone vibrates.]
- Cassandra, good morning.
- What up, boss lady? Unlock your door.
Your door, unlock it.
[Sighs.]
I've been behind you for three blocks.
Do you realize your left taillight is out? You were running behind me? Yeah, well, my Uber was five minutes late.
Who has time to wait around like that? This way, I stay ahead, and he can catch up.
Have you seen Elijah? Elijah? Just purely in a professional capacity.
Well, let him know that the Kaylee date is on.
I have spoken to his people, and we have an agreement.
I'd like to get it started right away.
So Kaylee and Elijah will be Dating, fucking, I don't particularly care so long as we capture it and put it online.
Not the fucking.
[Gasps.]
Although is there a No.
We'll wait on that.
All in good time.
I'd like you to be there at their first meeting today.
I wouldn't really want them to start devising a social media strategy all on their own.
You want me to be on their first date? - Uh-huh.
- Is that a great idea Oh, don't you worry.
Your only job is going to be keeping an eye on them and getting them back on track if they get lost, you know, like a chaperone.
Just take a few candid pics of the cute couple, but not too candid.
[Gasps.]
Although, is there a No, we'll wait on that.
All in good time.
Oh! There is my Uber.
[Chuckles.]
Gonna be a two star, I can feel it.
- [Chuckles.]
- All right, report back! I'll be waiting.
Bye! Bye! Someone's wearing last night's clothes.
- Twinsies.
- You look like a hot mess.
[Chuckles.]
I know.
[Grunting.]
Hey.
D-D-D-D-Dig the outfit.
You going to you you you going out to pop it in to pop it in in the in the club? - Does she have to do that? - Mm? Oh, uh, I'm I'm hopin' to get some s-s-s-s-some of that sweet Y-YouTube cash.
I'm making m-m-m-m-m-m-my own channel.
- "D-D-Doug Does.
" - [Clears throat.]
So it's about it's about, uh, it's about me, uh, uh, Doug, and I do, uh, stuff.
So people can, like, comment a-a-a-a-and be and be like, "Hey, hey, uh, hey, hey, Doug, do, uh, d-d-d-do a wheelie.
" And then Dou and then Dou and then Dou and then Doug does it.
"Doug Does.
" Does Doug get his head violently shoved up his own ass? Wh It's co it's co it's cool now.
[Clears throat.]
Noticed the lawn is, uh the leaves are starting to pile pile up, and I just I - Stay off the lawn, Doug, - The first clean and tell Doreen to stay away, too.
Doug Doug Doug Doug Doug "Doug Does.
" You have to do something about him.
- I know.
I'm handling it.
- Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Give me the deets.
Show me the receipts.
- It was intense.
- Oh, my God.
One-night stand with celebrities.
My baby's growin' up.
Okay, technically, it was not a one-night stand.
Hey, there is no shame in the walk of shame.
I mean, mine's basically a marathon.
I don't know, I mean, we were there.
We were like right there.
And I wanted to, but I also wanted to wait, and then he wanted to wait.
So it was just like a thing? Yeah, I think it's a thing.
[Chuckling.]
A thing? That's awesome.
Okay, uh, just just be careful.
[Sighs.]
What is that supposed to mean? It means fucking be careful.
Be careful.
Whatever.
I don't I don't need your caution tape.
And what what about your thing with your therapist? Agh, it's not a it's not a thing.
It's not a thing.
She just Shut up.
She just, like, wants to fuckin' talk, like, all the fuckin' time.
And she wants to explore, which is kind of cool actually.
But I don't know why.
Dudes just want to, like, fuck and leave, and that's way better.
It's a lot more fitting with my schedule.
- Just fuck 'em and leave.
- Good morning, colleagues.
[Chuckles.]
Sex hair.
Double sex hair? Oh, my God, talk.
Cassie tangled with her British boy toy.
[Laughs.]
No.
Cass, yes, okay, tell me.
Okay, we went out, we had a very nice time, and that is where that tune ends.
- No.
- And, yes, considering that my last sexual conquest is 10 feet below in chains, I'm very good with waiting.
Well, it sounds like you're making a connection.
Just be careful, you know? - Okay, really? - What? What did you did you sleep here? I have not had time for sleep, you guys.
Do you want to see what I did? You want to see what I did.
Come on.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
- This is wow.
- Mm-hmm.
It looks like Etsy took a massive shit on everything.
Okay.
Well, the energy map of this room was all off.
So I brought in some basic elements of environmental design.
You know, proper energy flow is crucial for educational success.
I could send you guys some links.
Uh, here's a possible stupid question.
Where's the boy? [Chuckles.]
[Singsong voice.]
We are ready whenever you are.
I don't want to come out.
He thinks you're gonna laugh at him.
We are not gonna laugh at you.
We're all adults here.
[Sighs.]
Fine.
Okay.
- Oh.
- [Laughs.]
Unh [Laughs.]
- Fucking I knew it.
- No, no, no, no.
He looks great.
Doesn't he, girls? He looks great.
For an AC/DC cover band, sure.
He looks so good.
You look you look really, really great.
I just I have one question for you.
"Please sir, may I have some more?" [Both laugh.]
I think he looks stylish.
You have to dress for success.
And more importantly, I designed it for its mobility.
Owen, show 'em what you can do.
- Do I have to do it now? - Oh, yes.
Oh, my God, please show us what you can do.
Please show us what you can do.
Nobody has to do anything.
Life is about harnessing powers of joy.
- So you really don't have to.
- Okay, if you stop talking, I'll do it.
- Hmm? - He touched his toes.
8 centimeters further than Sunday.
His hamstrings are releasing, people.
- What a magical day.
- I mean, yeah, you might be be able to join the Quidditch team.
He's still not big on hugging.
We're working on it.
I'd actually like to take him to a personal connection seminar.
Oh, but wait, no.
I I I scheduled the morning for, like, basic table manners.
Uh, I mean, I guess we can do some rearranging.
Uh, yeah, actually, now that we're on that, um, - I would like to book out - the foreplay lab.
- Labs are more of a weekend thing.
- Yeah, I know.
I know.
But, like, he could really, - really use the hours.
- And, uh, you know, there's nothin' better than hands-on experience.
Okay.
You know what? You guys just do whatever you want to.
Just make sure it reflects in the schedule.
Yes? - I will make sure it reflects.
- Okay.
[Gasps.]
Oh.
Yes.
I don't know why you bother.
If I never left the house, I wouldn't bother with makeup or a bra.
A woman needs to be a woman.
[Sighs.]
Cassie Bear, what's up with you today? What's the word for, uh, less on the verge of a panic attack than normal? - Klonopin? - Uh [Both sigh.]
I met someone.
Cassie Bear! You buried the lead! Oh, I'm so excited.
We've got to celebrate.
I'm I'm gonna get some wine.
- Mom.
No, it's the morning.
- Some wine.
I'm definitely not drinking with you.
There you are, okay.
Tell me about him.
- Okay.
He's really nice.
- Oh! - And he's funny.
- Ooh.
- Smart, and he's British.
- [Gasps.]
Ooh.
'Ello.
The accent.
Good, where'd you meet? - Uh, we met at work.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's an actor.
- Oh, Christ! See, I knew it.
There's the judgment.
Oh, he's an actor or a writer or one of these video game maker creators.
You would rather me date a guy who runs insurance scams? That's unfair.
Yeah, you can call it unfair all you want to.
All I know is, if my guy went missing, I'd be doing a hell of a lot more than you are to try to find him.
What's to try? Ted's gone.
Lord knows where he is.
I don't know, maybe do some sleuthing.
I mean, if you helped to try to find him, the judge will shorten your sentence, which just means that you get out of here sooner, which means that I will get out of here sooner.
You think that I want to be interrupting your life? You're a young woman, I know.
You don't want to be spending time here with Mom.
I have you go get me things so that I can see anybody.
You get arrested and, mnh, all your friends, they're just very supportive.
Yeah.
Then the indictment comes down and the smart birds, well, they take off before the storm hits.
And, suddenly, you're guilty and you're stuck in a condo.
And, sure, yeah, people are allowed to come here, but nobody ever does.
I know it must be so hard being trapped in a place that you don't want to be.
I don't know.
I don't.
You want to tell me more about your new guy? Not really.
You want to put on makeup until we look like Kardashians? Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah, I do.
Real bad.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
So then, like, Vivic, he put me on night tours which is basically just like, ooh, like, point out the junkies.
And, uh, so anyways, I had all these Midwest moms, and I you know, I-I thought that they were cool.
They see a lot of meth heads down in Topeka, you know? They see a lot of those, but anyways, so we we stumble across some tweakers, uh, fucking doggy style What are you doin'? - What? - What are you lookin' at? Y-you were you were talking, and I was listening.
I was telling you about my day and I was, like, fucking open up to you opening up to you and shit.
And you were like staring at another women's tits.
No.
No, no, I wasn't.
I mean I I wasn't, like I wasn't looking, I was like, "Whoa, motion.
" - [Air horn blows.]
- Ow, Jesus Christ! Volume, you guys.
Okay, I'm not I I wasn't I wasn't staring.
I I I was glancing, but I wasn't staring.
- Mnh.
Oh.
- What? I'm not allowed to look at her? - [Air horn blows.]
- Ow! Oh, geez! Oh! Great, now I can't hear.
Awesome.
I am right here.
Hey, hi, hello.
I'm a woman.
I am a woman sitting right in front of you.
And I'm trying to connect with you.
Mnh, and her ass is gyrating five feet away from me.
It's like asking for me to look at it.
- Hey.
Get him up.
- What, wait, what are we doing? [Sighs.]
Apparently your body only exists for Owen's visual pleasures.
And I don't see why the tables can't be turned.
I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Do you remember Julie Tanner's sleepover? Yes, and you hated Julie Tanner.
Yeah, I still do.
I hope she burns in hell.
But if there's a time and place for this, it is most certainly here and now.
I just don't want to participate.
Okay, Lexi, even though he just sees you as a pair of tits on legs.
Ditch the schoolboy suit.
Down to what? Down to the studs, stud.
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
I think you have the wrong Cassandra French? Sign here.
Hello! Hello! Kaylee? Oh, you must be Cassava, the new PR assistant girl.
- Cassandra, I'm a junior - Is there Elijah there yet? Not yet, I'm sorry, are we doing Is this, like, a video thing? I thought you were coming here.
Oh, did they not tell you? They extended my Cheerlebrity tour.
I'm in Japan! Oh, my God, the people here are so nice.
The culture, amazing.
Business men are just like giving me money for, like, no apparent reason.
Oh, my God, your outfit is adorable.
Let me see it, stand up.
Up, up, up, up, up.
Okay, now back up, back up, back, back, back, back, back.
[Gasps.]
That skirt is incredible.
I need it.
No, like, seriously, I'm gonna need you to get it for me like right now.
Like seriously right now.
Now! Yeah, okay, I can maybe find one for you online Okay, I'm gonna do some stretches while I wait, okay? [Sighs.]
Hmm.
Where to start? [Gasps.]
Yes.
My my shoulders? What's wrong with my shoulders? What's the medical term for that, Lex? Uh, oh, wimpy.
That's it.
Oh, okay, the deltoids could use a little toning.
I mean, the shoulders are the thighs of the neck, so Shall we discuss the abs? I think we have to.
So, yeah, just Okay, so, let me do one for you.
This is one for special occasions, birthdays, bat mitzvahs, funerals only the fancy ones.
[Clears throat.]
A celebration across the nation for you, fill in the blank, for you! [Whispers.]
Is she online? - Look who's here.
- Hey.
Oh, my God, Elijah, you look just like your Instagram photos.
And you look even more beautiful, um, in person.
Thanks.
Uh, Cassava, could you hold me up to eye level? Higher, higher, to the side, to the other side, okay, freeze.
Now listen.
Elijah, I know that this is a scary time for you, but just stick with me, okay? A few well-placed tweets, an Instagram photo of you and me.
You are gonna be trending in no time.
You seem quite confident about that.
I know! My last three boyfriends were all promances.
- What? - PR romances? But it doesn't mean we can't still have fun.
- You like to have fun, right? - [Coughs.]
Oh, my God, you poor, sweet baby thing.
Let's get you some tea.
Cassava, can you turn me around so I can see the waiter? - Cassava? - It's not worth it.
- [Laughs.]
- Waiter? Waiter! - My thighs? - It's all about strength.
I mean thighs are the shoulders of the feet.
Audrey liked my thighs.
I'm I am sure she did.
There's porn for everything.
I mean, there's probably like 20 different sites for like man with saggy moobs.
- Mnh.
- Oh, my God, saggymanboobs.
com.
- I got to register that shit.
- Mm-hmm.
I just didn't realize it was that bad.
Oh, no, no, no.
Of course you didn't, you sweet, sweet idiot.
Why would you? [Chuckles.]
On the other hand Oh, my God.
Mnh.
Oh, my God God damn! Oh, it ain't fair.
You're just makin' a girl so hot with those sweet calves you got.
[Sighs.]
Oh, my God.
[Inhales deeply.]
I think the tide might be comin' in because mama's gettin' wet.
Okay, okay, just knock it off.
Oh, come on, baby.
Come on, baby, smile for me.
You know how nice it is when you smile.
Come on, baby.
You know how crazy that makes me.
[Chuckles.]
I just really didn't think about it that much.
You mean you've walked around your entire life wearing whatever the hell you wanted and nobody judged your worth based on your physical appearance in comparison to unrealistic beauty standards? Mnh.
I'm shocked.
Okay, let's do his face.
Okay, so great.
So this week, we'll go to the "Abolition Road" premiere, and then next week, we'll go to The Lair.
Okay, yeah, sure, I I'll get back to you on that one.
Awesome.
Okay, Cassava, Elijah and I are doing great on our own now, so you can just scamper off.
Um, Kaylee, so whoa, sorry, you're you're breaking up.
I ca But that's so weird 'cause I have great I was born wearin' black Gave my mom a heart attack Gettin' bored out my mind With the trouble that I got Wait.
Are you sure? Yeah.
Just shut up and fuck me.
[Both moaning, panting.]
- [Water rushing.]
- Oh, shit! [Both laugh.]
Be a dork I brought you some ice cream.
Are you okay? Yeah, it's been a day.
Thank you.
Oh.
Can I get a bite of that? [Both chuckle.]
- You too, huh? - Yeah.
It's been a weird one.
A mixed bag.
Yeah? Want to talk about it? Really? Well, I can't say I have any better plans.
Um So there's this guy.
A guy, always a guy.
[Chuckles.]
And we have a thing, kind of I don't know.
It's nontraditional.
- It's a secret.
- Mm.
That's intriguing.
- Go on.
- Yeah.
And I have to say, when I first met him, I wasn't quite sure.
He was just so, like, full of himself.
And but, you know, it's L.
A.
So who isn't? [Chuckles.]
But I don't know.
I started to get to know him, and now I can't get him out of my head.
Uh, I I don't know.
It kind of feels amazing.
Do you think maybe this guy feels the same way about you? I think he does.
I hope he does.
Yeah.
And I don't know.
And then everyone's like, "He's wrong for you," and, "Be careful.
" Like, I don't know.
It's, like, somehow, I'm gonna do something to screw it up.
And I don't know.
I just I just don't want to fight it.
Like, everything is so hard, and this it just feels easy.
You know? I do.
I totally do.
Owen, wh [Sighs.]
what are you doing? What? You just said you were feeling it.
No, I wasn't talki I wasn't talking about you.
Why would you think that? Oh.
[Sighs.]
Oh, shit.
[Sighs.]
Wait, Cassandra You guys are not gonna believe this one.
He kissed me.
I was talking to him about Elijah.
And I guess he just got it all mixed up in his head, - which is on me I guess.
- Oh, Cassie But then he just grabbed me.
And he he plants one on me.
And, I mean, I'm sure he's not in his right mind.
And how could he possibly be? Because, like, how could you be if you're [Gasps.]
- Cassandra Nicole French! - Whoa.
I'd like you to meet someone that, uh, Lexi here befriended at the bar.
I'm sorry.
This is Audrey.
She's from Fresno.
- Mm-hmm.
- Came out here to you know, what was it again? Find my son of a bitch, cheating-ass boyfriend.
Oh, find her son of a bitch, cheating-ass boyfriend, that's it.
- Good to meet ya.
- Ah, hey, hey, Cass, uh, do you want to sit down, have a drink? Because we're gonna be drinking a lot tonight.
[Laughs.]
Do you ever wonder if I'm dreaming of you In the night at my window - Oh! - Oh.
Cassie.
- Oh, shit.
By the light of the moon If you ever wonder If I'm dreaming of you Well, I'm not So you can stop wondering Oh, oh, if you ever wonder If I'm dreaming of you Bitch, please I've got better things To Do-o-o-o-o-ooooooooooooo Next time on "Cassandra French's Finishing School" [Vomiting.]
Audrey is here in our neighborhood.
We just have to make sure that one of us stays by her side at all times.
Owen doesn't go on spiritual retreats unless it's to the Budweiser factory.
- I'm gonna go to the cops.
- Whoa, wait! There is no choice to be made.
You are not on the menu.
Then why are you doing all this?