Cassandra French's Finishing School (2017) s01e08 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Cassandra French's Finishing School" I think it's a thing.
Shut up and fuck me.
Cassandra, you know Elijah relatively well.
- You must know what he likes.
- Yeah.
- There's Kaylee.
But I'm not - Oh, the Snapchat girl! You are gonna be trending in no time.
- I can totally come back.
- No, no, no.
We were just talking about the "Abolition Road" premiere tomorrow night.
His hamstrings are releasing, people.
What a magical day.
He's still not big on hugging.
We're working on it.
Who do you think you are, sneaking into people's houses with your sneaky eyes and your sneaky shoes? The sooner I get the cops involved, the sooner I find Owen and kick his ass.
- Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No.
- Audrey's in town.
We're gonna call her.
And if you say one wrong thing, I will Tase your ass.
Owen? Our special place, tomorrow night at 8:00.
- Aah! - Looks like it's time to start prepping for our first field trip.
I don't know.
This is hard.
I thought it would look more natural.
I like it.
Kind of a Sex Pistols vibe.
You guys, I think I'm gonna have to bring up the question of ethics again.
You guys, you don't have to do this.
Yeah.
Well, that ship kinda sailed when you planned out your little "Let's meet up" trick.
Yeah.
So you get to go on your field trip.
We just have to make sure you stick to the lesson plan.
Guys, there has got to be a better way than this.
You know what? You're right, Lex.
Even though that the shock collar looks right, it's not nearly strong enough to stop him.
- No.
That's not what I meant.
- Ow! Damn, motherfucker! - See? He's still talking.
- Goddamn it! - Jesus Christ! - That's the strongest setting.
I mean, I think we need to get one that goes higher.
- What? - [Whimpers.]
No.
Not higher.
Lower.
What? - Sorry.
My hands are cold.
- [Shudders.]
Okay.
If I could just get this padlock - Ow.
That that's my nutsack.
- I can aloe vera that.
What kind of dog is this for? If you would just stop wiggling [Winces.]
- [Device clicks.]
- There.
That should do it.
Well, it's, um, secure.
And you'll get the keys back as soon as we're all back here safe and sound.
I promise you.
I won't say a word.
If you want to keep your boys intact, you won't.
I'm sorry.
We have to test it.
No.
No.
Don't.
Lexi, tell 'em.
- I mean - Ju Just one time on the lowest setting.
- No.
- Take a deep breath.
- No.
- Go to your happy place.
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
Fuuuuck - Five.
- Mnh-mnh! four [Whimpers.]
three [High-pitched whimper.]
[Sighs.]
- [Device beeps.]
- [Muffled screaming.]
Oh.
At least we know it works through walls.
- Can I try? - Later.
All the things that I've done Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one Of all of the things that I've done So you and Audrey are these salt and pepper shakers.
Can I be turmeric? It's an anti-inflammatory.
And I just kinda feel like that's my role in this whole situation.
So you and Audrey are these salt and pepper shakers.
Got it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're good.
And you drive to the location Reeeoreeeork! You've got to be kidding me.
Okay.
- But you stay close to her - Okay.
Because you're our eyes and ears out there.
- Yes.
- Okay? Then, meanwhile, me and Owen back at the house.
Who the fuck do you think you are, huh? Fuck you.
I'm the shit.
I'm gonna kick your little ass.
- Okay.
- And then we're waitin' for for Cassie to come back from the premiere.
Oh, my God.
Elijah and I had so much fun.
Oh, my God.
- And then we get Owen into the car.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Get in the fucking car, Owen! Wait.
You never said there was paprika.
I would've chosen paprika.
Thank you.
Great.
So then we drive Owen as close to the meeting point as possible.
And once he's there, we listen on your phone to make sure we need to electric boogaloo at any point.
- Okay.
- And if anything goes wrong, we all come back here and dismantle the basement.
No evidence.
How do I look? Brutal honesty.
I might have to rethink my "don't fuck your best friend" rule.
- You are glowing, Cass.
- Okay.
That is what people say to pregnant women.
But I will take it in the spirit in which it was given.
Who's the paprika? - This girl.
- Damn it.
Timeline.
I make a brief appearance at the premiere.
I snarf down some free sushi.
Elijah's thrilled to see me.
And we get to spend a few hours together, rub elbows with celebrities.
- Antibacterial soap? - In my purse.
Then, after the film, I come up with an excuse to leave and then book it back here to home base.
And that's where we're loaded and ready for the drop-off.
And then Owen can show Audrey that he's alive and well.
Look, Audrey.
I'm alive and well.
And she's like, "I don't give a shit.
" And then he's like, "Well, then, fuck you.
I'm gonna I'm gonna break up with you.
" And she's like, "No, you don't," because she's a bitch.
She's like a beast.
And she's like, "No!" And while I console Audrey, you guys haul Owen back to the basement.
- And then we meet here.
- It's gonna be great.
We got this.
[Sighs.]
Damn it.
[Sighs.]
[Breathing deeply.]
Hi.
Can I get your name? It should be under Cassandra French.
It might be Cassie.
I'm usually under Ken Hall Publicity 'cause I work for Ken.
But it's not there.
So don't look there.
Uh, Elijah Foster, he he invited me here tonight as his plus-one, but there could be a few.
But I'm one of them, but just as a friend, mostly.
It's complicated? Thank you.
So I saw this doc about these mountain climbers.
To be fair, I was pretty stoned.
But they had this system worked out that they made sure that they didn't go slamming into each other on the way down.
Just like I need to make sure you don't go slamming into me [High-pitched.]
because you're a sneaky little devil.
[Normal voice.]
So it's gonna take a while to get to the, uh, living room and into the car.
But we're gonna start early and take it one step at a time.
What happened to the climbers? [Smacks lips.]
I think they ate each other.
But that might have been a dream.
Like I said, I was really high.
All right.
So this is the special place? It's nice.
This is fuckin' stupid.
Why wait with me? Go and be out somewhere fun.
I'll at least stay until he shows up.
- If the son of a bitch shows up.
- He will.
Why are you being so nice to me? Your friends, too, even the bitch? We like you? [Chuckles.]
Holy fuck.
Your arms are solid, unlike these meat bags.
I could teach you to tone them.
Seriously? Yeah.
I teach Stretchology.
You could come do a class.
Okay.
[Chuckles.]
Why, if it isn't Miss French.
Mr.
Foster.
And, finally, the real Kaylee.
Hey, girlfriend! Hi, friend! - Are you still in Vienna? - Oh, don't I wish.
I'm still on the 405.
Oh, my God.
We were stuck on the runway in Austria for, like, 90 minutes because some guy was speaking some language that some other guy couldn't understand.
So, like, you know, safety.
- But I'm on my way.
- Wait.
Are you - are you calling while driving? - Oh, yeah.
But don't worry about it.
I have unlimited data plan.
Okay.
[Chuckling.]
Why don't you hang up, and we'll see you when you get here? Oh, my God.
You are such a sweetheart.
I did need to do my nails.
Save me a seat, okay? Love you.
Byeeeee! - She may kill a lot of people.
- That being said, I have this feeling that she doesn't actually exist.
All some really advanced form of CGI? Not that advanced.
- [Chuckles.]
- Come on.
She's nice.
Yeah.
And you two have the nicest, most real fake relationship I have ever seen.
Take a seat.
[Sighs.]
[Chains clatter.]
[Sighs.]
So? So Should we go in? I want to.
I just I have so much work to do.
Oh, you need to learn to take a break, Cassandra.
Every time I see you, it's work, work, work.
Elijah, Cassandra, this is my wife, Lori.
- Oh, hi.
I I didn't realize.
- I was married or a lesbian? That you had a life.
Oh.
You've been working on that sense of humor.
Oh! [Laughs.]
Now that is appreciated.
[Laughs.]
Yeah.
I saved you a seat right next to her.
[Both laugh.]
Whoa.
What are you what are you doing? - I - What [Whispers.]
Are you fucking crazy? - What? - What do you think you're doing? I I wanted to kiss you.
I We do it all the time.
In private.
Not in the real world.
That's what I have Kaylee for.
That's why that's why you set me up with her.
Yeah.
Yes.
But that was before you and me, - before we star - Are you a child? There can never be a "we.
" [Chuckles.]
I can't just give up everything I've been working for just so you How do you not get how this works? Yeah, we fuck.
We have a good time.
And what do I get out of taking this public? Maybe a little honesty? Sometimes we lie, Cassandra.
Get used to it.
Okay.
I'm I'm going in.
Come along or don't.
You got the keys to the car I got that look in my eye You got the thirst upon your face You got my keys, let's drive - I've got bubblegum lipstick - [Groans.]
You hear the cry Yeah, yeah, yeah! High, high, high [Chuckles.]
[Laughs.]
[Laughing maniacally.]
Cassandra? Cassandra? [Snaps fingers.]
Cassandra! What has gotten into you? Just go home, sleep it off.
I could spend so much time on you, you have no idea.
Good luck being you, Elijah.
I'm sure you're gonna do just fine.
[Door opens, alarm ringing.]
[Cellphone vibrates.]
- Where we at? - Start it up.
- You're on your way home? - Get him ready.
Let's do this.
What did that actor fuck do to you? You were right, as usual.
Sorry.
I didn't want to be.
Are you are you okay? I am fine! I am super-duper fine! Let's do this! Okay.
Okay.
Cassie's a little amped up.
No sudden moves.
Well, you've been there.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid.
I just want to get this over with.
Sooner we get to the car, sooner [Doorbell rings.]
I'm not gonna make any noise.
Hello.
We're from Daisy Doll Troop 60411.
It's really late.
Where are your parents? We are selling delicious cookies.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Uh, no.
Not interested.
All sales go to support education and job training for young women.
Fuck's sake.
How much do I have to pay you to make you go away? Boxes are $5 each.
We have many delicious flavors, caramel nougat Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't I don't give a shit.
Just, like, any fuckin' box.
Here.
Boxes are $5 each.
We have many delicious flavors, caramel nougat, shortbread sweet Okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
I don't care.
Just take the fuckin' money.
Take the fuckin' money.
Take the fuckin' money.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
We're also taking donations - for our trip to Sacramento - Oh, my God.
where we will meet California's two female senators.
Yeah.
You're good.
Just take the money.
Take the money.
Just take the money.
Just take it, okay? I don't have any more money.
So just go go mug somebody else, please.
God fucking damn it.
[Sighs.]
Remind me to get my tubes tied.
- What the fuck? - Fuckin' Stretchology.
Fuck! Fuck.
Yes! No! God damn it! Okay.
Ohh! Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck.
We're Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Just just listen for screams just like a car alarm.
Fuck.
Stop.
God! He's gone.
- How long has it been? - Dude, just, like, five minutes.
He couldn't have got that far.
Okay.
Maybe we drive around, we get lucky.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Take-take-take take my bike! Doug? You okay? I I I I don't need your help.
- Don't don't bother.
- Listen, Doug.
I am so sorry.
I will write you your college recommendation.
Shit, I'm gonna write you three of them.
And I know that that doesn't make it better.
- I'm sorry.
- Wow.
Oh.
[Clears throat.]
All uh, all right.
Co Uh, cool.
Cool.
[Clears throat.]
You haven't by any chance s-s-s-seen my bike, have have have you? I swear I left it r-r-right here.
S-S-S-S-Someone m-m-m-must have stole it.
[Sighs.]
We got to take down the basement.
Yeah.
I'll grab the kerosene.
I-I-I even put one of those l-l-lo tracker devices on on on on on it to help lo-lo-locate it.
- I'm sorry.
What? - Yeah.
Uh, just just just just in case I leave it s-s-s-s-s-somewhere or someone takes it by by by accident.
- [Gasps.]
- Oh! [Both chuckle.]
See? Ah.
There there there it is.
Too bad I can't g-g-g I don't have a way to ge ge ge get to it.
B-B-Basically useless.
- Doug.
- Huh? - Dougie, Doug, Doug.
- Oh, Doug.
This is your fuckin' lucky day, buddy, 'cause - What? - I'm gonna take this phone.
And I'm gonna find your bike.
- Your bike, we're gonna find it! - But I had But now now I'm bikeless and pho and phoneless.
Great.
Yeah.
Keep going.
We're, um, closer.
We're almost there.
We're almost there.
- Okay.
- We're almost there.
- Oh, I feel it.
- Yeah.
I feel it, too.
Go.
We're almost home.
There we go.
Closer to that little dot.
- Oh, dot, we're comin'! - We're comin' for you, dot! Okay.
It stopped moving.
Uh, make a left.
Now we're going to prison.
Well, hello, Mother.
- Go home.
- [Chuckles.]
As your daughter, I would have to say that's a very interesting view on the economy, Mom.
[Laughs.]
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Owen is not here yet.
- What the hell happened? - Elijah happened.
It turns out he's just like all the rest of 'em.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
You know, he needs to be taught a lesson.
Look.
Owen escaped.
Just get back to the house.
We've got to tear it all down.
Okay.
So, that was my mother.
She's d-dying.
- Oh, God.
No.
Sorry.
I, uh, that's - What? I can't put that in the universe.
I am a terrible liar.
[Sighs.]
Go on.
Go and do whatever fun thing you've got planned.
I'll be fine.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
- Bye.
- Bye.
[Breathes deeply.]
Guess that's it, then.
Claire, what are you doing? We've got to get back home.
The little shit tore it off.
So he's still out there.
When I was a young girl My mama said to me There's only one boy in the world for you And he probably lives in Tahiti You remembered.
Got a whole, wide world Got a whole, wide world just to find him I don't even know where to begin.
I'm pregnant.
[Sniffling.]
Well, maybe he's in the Bahamas Where the Caribbean Sea is blue [Sobbing.]
We've been in a tropical moonlit night Because nobody's dawned on you I got a whole wide world Got a whole wide world just to find him Got a whole wide world Got a whole wide world to find out where they hide him [Sniffles.]
That's the first time you ever done that.
Done what? Hug me when I was crying.
[Sighs.]
How how far along are you? Four months.
- Four.
- I would have told you earlier, - but you ghosted on me, you fuck! - No.
I [Breathing shakily.]
I did.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
Wow! I'm gonna be a dad.
[Chuckles.]
You're not gonna even ask if it's yours? - What happened to you? - It's kind of a long story.
Dude, he could be on any street at any police station.
This is pointless.
And so what? We just give up? We got to get back to the house, cover it up.
- It's either that or run.
- Yeah.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
So he does go to the cops.
And and what? They're gonna believe him? His word over ours? Uh, yeah.
Maybe.
What if we say that we did do it? And that it was, like, a consensual thing? Like, some, S&M Craigslist thing? [Sighs.]
Maybe it it was wrong.
Like, yeah, ethics and morals and all that.
But I don't know.
Maybe maybe the whole idea was wrong.
[Sighs.]
I just thought I saw it in him.
I thought that he wanted to be different or better.
But I guess I wanted it so bad, I convinced myself that he wanted it, too.
Got a whole wide world Got a whole wide world just to find him Got a whole wide world Got a whole wide world to find out where they hide him - Owen? - [Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
I want to come back.
I don't think that's a good idea.
What are you talking about? Of course he can.
An hour ago, you escaped.
You left.
That's what you wanted.
I can't make you change.
We we can't force this on you.
I I know.
You have to want it.
And I don't I don't even know if that's even enough.
Maybe you can't ever really change.
Maybe it's Stockholm syndrome or I've had too many blows to the head or maybe it's that I'm gonna be a dad.
- With Audrey? - Yeah.
I know.
But I need to be a better person.
And what you guys do, I I don't know if I would recommend it for ev everyone.
But I think it might work for me.
If if I stop, if I walk away right now, without learning everything, I'm gonna be the same way I always was.
- A shit bucket.
- Yeah.
Nobody wants to be a shit bucket.
And Audrey? I told her that I was in a rehab program.
And when I saw her, I realized that I had to finish what I started.
I want to come back.
I want to go back to school.
If if you'll have me.
I'm still gonna beat the shit out of you.
Yeah.
I I figured that.
[Chuckles.]
Maybe you can take the, uh, collar off my balls? - Absolutely.
- Eventually.
Hello? Cassie, you're gonna want to get down here.
[Door closes.]
If you dig under my feet You will find things that you don't want to see Things that I hide way down inside A menagerie of the tragedy that I've caused And all of my flaws I just got the weirdest feeling someone was watching me right now.
[Muffled screaming.]
So it's, uh it's kind of a long story.
All the things that I've done Terrible things You would never believe the things that I've done Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one Of all of the things, things that I've done You would never believe the things that I've done Oh, how you'd run if you knew a single one Of all of the things That I've doooooooooooooone