Catastrophe (2015) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
Sorry.
Sorry! - Sorry.
Sorry.
- That's OK.
I know it seems crowded, but it only took me 40 minutes to get my last drink.
Is that all? Hey, let me get yours.
It'll make me feel better about being in line for just a Coke.
You don't drink? No, I quit a few years ago, after I shit my pants at my sister's wedding.
OK, thank you.
- No, I'll get it.
- No, it's fine.
Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.
OK.
I'll have a margarita.
I've never had casual sex with a sober person before.
- You've got a really nice room.
- Thank you.
I got upgraded.
Yeah? Oh, shit.
Oh, God! That was really unnecessary.
- You don't have a hairy back.
- Neither do you.
I was all psyched up to deal with a hairy back.
- Uh, I have hairy balls.
- Whoa! - Oh, what the fuck? - Oh! - Oh, shit.
- Jesus, I'm sorry.
Uh That was exciting.
- Hi.
- Hey! - I was just sneaking out.
- OK.
So, um when do you when do you go back? - Thursday.
- Well, that's Do you wanna have dinner? Erm - Do you wanna have dinner? - Yeah.
That's why I asked.
OK.
Um, do you have a wife or anything? - No.
- No? OK, well, I'll just I'll write down my number.
Um, you know what, that's my work visa, so if you - Doesn't matter.
- OK.
Great! And I noticed that you took some things from the bathroom, and that's fine, but could you leave the toothpaste? No, I didn't take any tooth Oh, shit, I did, yeah.
Sorry! It's just small and cute.
Erm, so, you should probably open a window, 'cause it really stinks in here, OK? Keep the change.
- That dinner was really nice.
- The lamb was exceptional.
- So, what time is your flight? - 7:30.
- 7:30.
- Yeah.
So, listen, I wanted to say that I know this wasn't anything serious and it was just some fun - This wasn't serious? - No, when I say it wasn't serious - Goofing you, bro! - Yeah Go on.
No, carry on.
You were saying this was just a bit of fun? I want you to know that I'm gonna look back on my time with you and remember you as an extraordinarily good-smelling woman with a magical ass.
And you're smart! So you could even get away with being less attractive, and you'd still be fairly attractive.
Fuck! Wow.
OK.
Erm I'll remember you as a sturdy love-maker with a massive chin, who was really kind to waiters and taxi drivers, which suggests you might actually be a good person.
What time is it? It's 4:30.
Really, seriously, you're gonna have to go faster.
So, I thought it was fine if I asked you out, because you're a temp.
If you worked with us permanently, this wouldn't be appropriate.
But you're a temp, so we just won't hire you again.
OK.
You're funny.
So, tell me something about you.
Well, I'm doing my Masters at Boston University and I'm sorry.
This is my mom.
And she's calling me back 'cause I called her 'cause it's her birthday.
Hey, so great to hear from you! I'm sorry that I haven't called.
But I have some good news.
I'm gonna be in London in April.
But I'm pregnant.
- Did you just say 'pregnant'? - Yeah, I said 'pregnant'.
Do you want me to say it again? Pregnant.
How? I don't understand.
I mean, how? Well, I think it's because we had sex about 25 times in a week, and you wore a condom maybe twice twice of those times.
- Why did you let me do that?! - I don't know! Because I was drunk the first and even though I wasn't drunk most of the other times, there was a precedent there that you took complete advantage of! What do you wanna do? I wanna build a time machine out of your fucking carcass, and go back and make it un-happen! - Do you want me to come over sooner? - No! Yeah.
I don't know.
I just I don't know what you do when you get pregnant by a stranger.
- I don't know the etiquette.
- I'm not a stranger! I'm a familiar acquaintance.
A friend, who helped you make a mistake, but will now help you figure it out.
OK? Is your mom OK? Huh? Oh.
No.
She's pregnant.
So, why don't you tell me a little bit about you now? Hm Oh, shit.
Hi.
I wasn't sure you'd recognise me.
And it only says 'Rob' because I don't know your surname.
- It's Norris.
- It's it's Norris? Mine's Morris.
Morris and Norris.
Well, at least that's fucking ridiculous.
You just don't think stuff like this will happen.
What, that repeated sexual intercourse between two healthy adults will do the exact thing it's supposed to do? Have you ever done a science class? Do you know how to read? I'm sorry.
I'm not pregnant, and you are, and it's because of me, but if you're gonna have this baby, then Who says I'm gonna have it? Well, how old are you? Look, the good news is that we're reasonably good people, so we could probably do this and not fuck the kid up too horribly.
I'm just saying a terrible thing has happened.
Let's make the best of it.
So, where are you staying? I'm joking.
You can stay in my spare room.
I'm joking, I'm a teacher! I don't have a spare room.
- Do you want some? - Sure.
Hello.
Do you know if Miss Morris is finished with her classes? - Is she under arrest? - No, I'm just waiting - Are you American? - Yes, I am.
- Do you know Barack Obama? - No, I don't.
Do you know his daughters? I know Sasha, but I don't know Malia.
How do you know them if you don't know Barack Obama? - I don't know them.
- Are you a basketball player? No.
- Why are you waving at Miss Morris? - Uh, because she's my girlfriend.
Is her hair a wig? I don't I don't think so.
- Do you know she's pregnant? - What?! What did you just say? - She's pregnant? - Oh, yeah, I knew that.
- Are you a basketball player? - Mm-hm.
Excuse me.
- Just do that in the car.
- OK.
So, got yourself some fans here.
We're not his fans.
I thought he was someone special.
I am special! So, is this just a regular scan? Yeah.
Well, I can find out the sex this time, if I want.
Well, you know, do we want to? I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a surprise? Well, um, Rob It is Rob, isn't it? 'Cause I only met you about 20 minutes ago.
And now I'm pregnant with your baby, so for the moment, I would like a whisper of certainty in my life.
Not not even in my life - in my body.
Right, now, in reviewing your Pap smear, we found an abnormality.
It's nothing to worry too much about yet, but you've got what's called cervical dysplasia.
What the hell is that? Strictly speaking, it's what we call a 'pre-cancer.
' - Cancer?! - Pre-cancer.
Frankly, I hate that it has the word 'cancer' attached to it, because it isn't cancer, but it's sort of next door to cancer.
- What is she saying? - That you do not have cancer.
Yeah, but she's said 'cancer', like, eight times.
Yeah, Doctor, you have said 'cancer' rather a lot.
Like, more than you would hear in a casual conversation that isn't about cancer.
Yes, and I'm sorry.
But while, again, you do not have cancer, you do have a situation that we need to monitor closely so that it doesn't become cancer.
That's two more times she's said it.
That's two more 'cancers'.
All it means is you'll come here a little more frequently than you would've otherwise, so that we can take a look-see at your cervix and make sure it remains in the cancer-free state it's currently in.
Do you have pamphlets? Yes, we have pamphlets.
I'm gonna get us some pamphlets.
Right, well, let's shift gears a little bit, shall we? - And take a look at the baby.
- OK.
Er, no, we go in through the tummy for this one.
OK.
Here we are.
That's the heartbeat.
Beautiful.
Nice and strong.
Here's the spine.
Exquisite.
Oh, there's something! Do you recognise that, Mummy? - Is that the cancer? - Very funny, no.
- That's a little penis! - Oh, God.
Congratulations, you're gonna have a baby boy! She said it's statistically unlikely to become full cancer.
So, just just half-cancer, then? Just a gentle little half-cancer, like you get? Do you think it's 'cause I'm old? It's because I'm old, isn't it? - No, it isn't, you're not old.
- Oh, God, I wanna smoke a cigarette.
Will you get one and just smoke it and blow it on me? Well, just have a cigarette if you want one.
- Yeah? - But put your wine down.
May I have a cigarette? Thank you so much.
I'm just gonna smoke this.
Not even the whole thing.
I'll just have a few puffs, then I'll never do it again.
That's alright, isn't it? To have a few puffs and never do it again? Absolutely.
God, that's delicious.
Oh, for fuck's sake, take that! Hi! Fuck! - Hi! I thought that was you.
- Hey, you.
Well, is it true? You pregnant? Little bit.
Sorry, this is Rob.
He's my boyfriend? Yeah.
And he's the father of the This is Fran, she's an old pal.
- Great to meet you, Rob.
- Great to meet you! Great to see you too, stranger! So - You have to come over for dinner.
- Yeah.
- Chris would love to see you.
- Definitely! We should.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah! That'd be great.
What are you doing on Saturday night? Saturday? Erm Well, actually, we've just had some news - No, we haven't.
- I was just gonna tell her No, we don't, that's not Yes, we'd love to.
- Great! Well, we can catch up then.
- Yeah.
You're still in? Still in the same big house, yeah.
Saturday night, 7 o'clock.
Don't be late! - Alright.
- Rob.
Oh She seems nice.
She's a cunt.
Ugh, God, my feet are too swollen for these boots.
- Did you see the size of them? - Yeah.
- They look like little hobbit feet.
- Fuck off! Oh, I meant to ask you - why did you call her a cunt? I shouldn't have called her a cunt.
- She's more of a bitch.
- Why is she a bitch? She's one of these people where everything has gone her way, and she thinks she did it, but it's luck.
I just wish one bad thing would happen to her.
Like, I don't want her to get hit by a bus or anything, but you know, maybe if she got arrested for tax fraud or if her dad got caught with child porn or something, you know? Just to knock the smug out of her.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, totally.
Oh, and don't mention the pre-cancer.
If you need to talk about something, then talk about the weather, or the meal or you know, other meals you've enjoyed.
- So, meals.
- Yeah.
- So, do I look fat? - No.
Except for your belly.
And your tits.
- My tits are fat? - Your tits are fat and beautiful.
- Welcome! - Hi! Come in, come in! - Shoes go here.
- That's a good spot for shoes.
- We keep a shoe-free home.
- Oh.
Gotcha.
Do you mind if I keep mine on? It's just my feet are swollen from Well, you can, but you'll be the only one with shoes on! So if you're OK with that, then I am! OK, just - This is a delicious meal.
- Thank you.
Well, it's all Chris's work.
He's the cook here, aren't you? - Where's Jeffrey tonight? - He's in bed.
He has to get up at four.
He's filming in the morning.
- Our son's a thespian now.
- Really? - When did that happen? - I thought you knew.
- No, I didn't know.
- That's funny.
I thought you knew.
Anyway er, this is his third film.
He filmed a scene with Patrick Stewart last week.
- Such a lovely man.
Total flirt.
- Well, good for Jeffrey.
It's good for all of us.
He's coining it in! Yeah? Great.
This is a delicious meal.
So, tell me, are you planning on a natural birth? I don't know.
Just see what the pain's like.
- Maybe take it from there.
- Really? I really think you should consider a natural birth.
My cousin Sheila, she had all the pain medication going - oxytocin, pethidine, she had the epidural.
- Didn't turn out well.
- Really? What happened to the baby? Oh, no, the baby's fine.
But my cousin had a massive stroke.
She has to use one of those wheelchairs that you blow into to make it move.
Jesus.
That's actually why we should have more than one kid.
What? Just all the shit that can go wrong.
I mean, birth's a risky thing.
There's a reason people had 11 kids in the olden days.
If one or two of them died, you still had leftovers.
- Plus, only children are weirdos.
- I'm an only child.
- There are exceptions.
- My son's an only child.
More than one exception.
But this is a delicious meal.
Best meal I've had in some time.
- Remember that meal we had Tuesday? - I do.
- Because this is better, this meal.
- Yeah.
- I'm going for a cigarette.
- Really? Do you really have to? Yup.
- Rob, do you smoke? - No, I don't.
- Did you quit? - Oh, because you s - Rob, just go for a cigarette.
- Okey-dokey.
Sorry about that.
I hope I didn't upset Fran.
Oh, don't worry about it.
She'll wank off to that for a week.
She loves to get angry at people.
You did her a favour.
- Can I give you some advice, Rob? - Er maybe.
About what? When Sharon goes into labour, jump on a plane, go back to Wisconsin or wherever it is you're from, and skip the whole delivery.
I saw my son coming out, and it was a fucking war zone.
Just put it there, he'll do it later You know they shit when they give birth? - Uh, I've heard that.
- Yeah, well I've seen it.
I wouldn't want that for you.
You'll never be able to forgive her.
Forgive her? You see a little troll come tobogganing out of your wife's snatch on a wave of turds, and part of you will hold her responsible.
That was my first cigarette in ten years.
You haven't smoked in ten years? Well, don't start now, gimme that No, no.
No, no.
Don't.
I do this now.
He's a big one, isn't he? Rob? Yeah.
Is he big all over? Um yeah.
Well, he's in proportion.
What's that like? It doesn't hurt? No, I mean - I mean he's proportional.
I wasn't.
- Is he circumcised? Most American men are, I've heard.
Yeah, he is.
What's that like? - Well, same basic deal, really - No, I mean what does it feel like? Sorry, what does my boyfriend's penis feel like? - You OK? - Yeah, just a little dizzy.
Oh, dear.
You know, I get a little anaemic myself sometimes.
And whenever I feel weak, I just take a tincture of Helonias, or some Arsenicum, if that's all I've got, and I perk right up.
What You do what? - It's a homeopathic remedy.
- Oh.
No, thanks.
- Why not? - It's not real.
- It is.
- It's not.
Well, I think it is.
I was on the Tube today, and I saw a guy with no legs so I prescribed him three drops of doodly-doodle-doo, and his legs grew back.
Rob, Fran's a homeopath.
You could've told me that in my pre-dinner briefing.
Yeah, I think a lot of people don't actually realise that there are alternatives out there that really do work.
My guru, Alan - he cured himself of prostate cancer last year with walnuts.
- Oh, give me a break! - Pardon?! What did he do, jam 'em up his asshole? I'm sorry?! You're coming into my house Not to rip into your beliefs in your own home, but we just received some news about Sharon that is not good, and if I thought for a second that I could rub a blueberry on her vagina and fix her, I would, but I can't, because it's bullshit! - I think you should leave! - I have cancer.
No, you don't! She's lying.
I think we pulled it back at the end.
It was good of you to ask Chris for the recipe for that tagine.
I thought about asking them to wake their kid up so I could get his autograph.
You should have! She'd have loved that.
Aww! - I'm really sorry about tonight.
- Don't be.
They're awful.
And actually I was touched to see you go apeshit at someone for me.
Well, I'm scared.
- Of the not-cancer cancer? - Of everything.
I mean, you're pregnant, you might be sick and I don't know what I'm doing - my shit's still in a suitcase.
Am I a part of your life or not? I mean, are we doing this for real or not? - Well, I don't know - I think you should marry me.
What?! - Are you mental? - Marry me and find out.
Why? I mean, I literally don't know who you are.
I mean, seriously, who are you? Do you have a middle name? Can you ride a horse? Did a priest ever fiddle with you? These are things I don't know.
Clifford.
Yes.
And no.
But a nun did stay in the room with me when I changed out of dirty underpants once.
Oh, God.
Oh, aren't you supposed to fall in love first? Well, my mom sent me an article about a study on arranged marriages versus love marriages and they found that fewer arranged marriages end in divorce than real ones.
Is that because they end in suicide? I don't know, I didn't read the whole article.
Also, you'll need to marry me so I can stay in the country.
Ugh, God.
You don't have to be part of its life, you know.
I'm not expecting anything.
Except money.
Maybe a bit of money.
So, I just write a cheque every month and leave it at that? Fuck that.
I didn't know my father and it sucked.
This kid gets a dad.
Oh, God, you don't have to be so American about it.
Fine! Oh! Oh! Oh, God, hurry up, I'm not gonna come.
How did my vagina feel? - It felt great.
- Yeah? Make the most of it 'cause it's not gonna feel like that for much longer.
Not after your big-headed son scrums his way out of it.
If it helps, I dated a woman a few years ago and she'd had a couple of kids, and her vagina was crazy tight.
I mean, like, teenager tight.
It was amazing.
How do you know what a teenager's vagina feels like? 'Cause I used to be a teenager.
Oh! Oh, yeah! And it didn't it didn't feel cancer-y? No, it didn't feel cancer-y, because you really, sincerely don't have cancer.
In fact, I want us to get a second opinion.
Doctors make mistakes all the time.
You know, they told my brother when he was ten that he had polio.
But it turns out he just was clumsy.
They probably told another kid he was clumsy and then he died of polio.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yeah, you might have to cross that bridge alone because I'll be dead.
That's the spirit
Sorry! - Sorry.
Sorry.
- That's OK.
I know it seems crowded, but it only took me 40 minutes to get my last drink.
Is that all? Hey, let me get yours.
It'll make me feel better about being in line for just a Coke.
You don't drink? No, I quit a few years ago, after I shit my pants at my sister's wedding.
OK, thank you.
- No, I'll get it.
- No, it's fine.
Hey, don't make me fight a stranger.
OK.
I'll have a margarita.
I've never had casual sex with a sober person before.
- You've got a really nice room.
- Thank you.
I got upgraded.
Yeah? Oh, shit.
Oh, God! That was really unnecessary.
- You don't have a hairy back.
- Neither do you.
I was all psyched up to deal with a hairy back.
- Uh, I have hairy balls.
- Whoa! - Oh, what the fuck? - Oh! - Oh, shit.
- Jesus, I'm sorry.
Uh That was exciting.
- Hi.
- Hey! - I was just sneaking out.
- OK.
So, um when do you when do you go back? - Thursday.
- Well, that's Do you wanna have dinner? Erm - Do you wanna have dinner? - Yeah.
That's why I asked.
OK.
Um, do you have a wife or anything? - No.
- No? OK, well, I'll just I'll write down my number.
Um, you know what, that's my work visa, so if you - Doesn't matter.
- OK.
Great! And I noticed that you took some things from the bathroom, and that's fine, but could you leave the toothpaste? No, I didn't take any tooth Oh, shit, I did, yeah.
Sorry! It's just small and cute.
Erm, so, you should probably open a window, 'cause it really stinks in here, OK? Keep the change.
- That dinner was really nice.
- The lamb was exceptional.
- So, what time is your flight? - 7:30.
- 7:30.
- Yeah.
So, listen, I wanted to say that I know this wasn't anything serious and it was just some fun - This wasn't serious? - No, when I say it wasn't serious - Goofing you, bro! - Yeah Go on.
No, carry on.
You were saying this was just a bit of fun? I want you to know that I'm gonna look back on my time with you and remember you as an extraordinarily good-smelling woman with a magical ass.
And you're smart! So you could even get away with being less attractive, and you'd still be fairly attractive.
Fuck! Wow.
OK.
Erm I'll remember you as a sturdy love-maker with a massive chin, who was really kind to waiters and taxi drivers, which suggests you might actually be a good person.
What time is it? It's 4:30.
Really, seriously, you're gonna have to go faster.
So, I thought it was fine if I asked you out, because you're a temp.
If you worked with us permanently, this wouldn't be appropriate.
But you're a temp, so we just won't hire you again.
OK.
You're funny.
So, tell me something about you.
Well, I'm doing my Masters at Boston University and I'm sorry.
This is my mom.
And she's calling me back 'cause I called her 'cause it's her birthday.
Hey, so great to hear from you! I'm sorry that I haven't called.
But I have some good news.
I'm gonna be in London in April.
But I'm pregnant.
- Did you just say 'pregnant'? - Yeah, I said 'pregnant'.
Do you want me to say it again? Pregnant.
How? I don't understand.
I mean, how? Well, I think it's because we had sex about 25 times in a week, and you wore a condom maybe twice twice of those times.
- Why did you let me do that?! - I don't know! Because I was drunk the first and even though I wasn't drunk most of the other times, there was a precedent there that you took complete advantage of! What do you wanna do? I wanna build a time machine out of your fucking carcass, and go back and make it un-happen! - Do you want me to come over sooner? - No! Yeah.
I don't know.
I just I don't know what you do when you get pregnant by a stranger.
- I don't know the etiquette.
- I'm not a stranger! I'm a familiar acquaintance.
A friend, who helped you make a mistake, but will now help you figure it out.
OK? Is your mom OK? Huh? Oh.
No.
She's pregnant.
So, why don't you tell me a little bit about you now? Hm Oh, shit.
Hi.
I wasn't sure you'd recognise me.
And it only says 'Rob' because I don't know your surname.
- It's Norris.
- It's it's Norris? Mine's Morris.
Morris and Norris.
Well, at least that's fucking ridiculous.
You just don't think stuff like this will happen.
What, that repeated sexual intercourse between two healthy adults will do the exact thing it's supposed to do? Have you ever done a science class? Do you know how to read? I'm sorry.
I'm not pregnant, and you are, and it's because of me, but if you're gonna have this baby, then Who says I'm gonna have it? Well, how old are you? Look, the good news is that we're reasonably good people, so we could probably do this and not fuck the kid up too horribly.
I'm just saying a terrible thing has happened.
Let's make the best of it.
So, where are you staying? I'm joking.
You can stay in my spare room.
I'm joking, I'm a teacher! I don't have a spare room.
- Do you want some? - Sure.
Hello.
Do you know if Miss Morris is finished with her classes? - Is she under arrest? - No, I'm just waiting - Are you American? - Yes, I am.
- Do you know Barack Obama? - No, I don't.
Do you know his daughters? I know Sasha, but I don't know Malia.
How do you know them if you don't know Barack Obama? - I don't know them.
- Are you a basketball player? No.
- Why are you waving at Miss Morris? - Uh, because she's my girlfriend.
Is her hair a wig? I don't I don't think so.
- Do you know she's pregnant? - What?! What did you just say? - She's pregnant? - Oh, yeah, I knew that.
- Are you a basketball player? - Mm-hm.
Excuse me.
- Just do that in the car.
- OK.
So, got yourself some fans here.
We're not his fans.
I thought he was someone special.
I am special! So, is this just a regular scan? Yeah.
Well, I can find out the sex this time, if I want.
Well, you know, do we want to? I mean, wouldn't it be nice to have a surprise? Well, um, Rob It is Rob, isn't it? 'Cause I only met you about 20 minutes ago.
And now I'm pregnant with your baby, so for the moment, I would like a whisper of certainty in my life.
Not not even in my life - in my body.
Right, now, in reviewing your Pap smear, we found an abnormality.
It's nothing to worry too much about yet, but you've got what's called cervical dysplasia.
What the hell is that? Strictly speaking, it's what we call a 'pre-cancer.
' - Cancer?! - Pre-cancer.
Frankly, I hate that it has the word 'cancer' attached to it, because it isn't cancer, but it's sort of next door to cancer.
- What is she saying? - That you do not have cancer.
Yeah, but she's said 'cancer', like, eight times.
Yeah, Doctor, you have said 'cancer' rather a lot.
Like, more than you would hear in a casual conversation that isn't about cancer.
Yes, and I'm sorry.
But while, again, you do not have cancer, you do have a situation that we need to monitor closely so that it doesn't become cancer.
That's two more times she's said it.
That's two more 'cancers'.
All it means is you'll come here a little more frequently than you would've otherwise, so that we can take a look-see at your cervix and make sure it remains in the cancer-free state it's currently in.
Do you have pamphlets? Yes, we have pamphlets.
I'm gonna get us some pamphlets.
Right, well, let's shift gears a little bit, shall we? - And take a look at the baby.
- OK.
Er, no, we go in through the tummy for this one.
OK.
Here we are.
That's the heartbeat.
Beautiful.
Nice and strong.
Here's the spine.
Exquisite.
Oh, there's something! Do you recognise that, Mummy? - Is that the cancer? - Very funny, no.
- That's a little penis! - Oh, God.
Congratulations, you're gonna have a baby boy! She said it's statistically unlikely to become full cancer.
So, just just half-cancer, then? Just a gentle little half-cancer, like you get? Do you think it's 'cause I'm old? It's because I'm old, isn't it? - No, it isn't, you're not old.
- Oh, God, I wanna smoke a cigarette.
Will you get one and just smoke it and blow it on me? Well, just have a cigarette if you want one.
- Yeah? - But put your wine down.
May I have a cigarette? Thank you so much.
I'm just gonna smoke this.
Not even the whole thing.
I'll just have a few puffs, then I'll never do it again.
That's alright, isn't it? To have a few puffs and never do it again? Absolutely.
God, that's delicious.
Oh, for fuck's sake, take that! Hi! Fuck! - Hi! I thought that was you.
- Hey, you.
Well, is it true? You pregnant? Little bit.
Sorry, this is Rob.
He's my boyfriend? Yeah.
And he's the father of the This is Fran, she's an old pal.
- Great to meet you, Rob.
- Great to meet you! Great to see you too, stranger! So - You have to come over for dinner.
- Yeah.
- Chris would love to see you.
- Definitely! We should.
- Yeah? - Yeah, yeah! That'd be great.
What are you doing on Saturday night? Saturday? Erm Well, actually, we've just had some news - No, we haven't.
- I was just gonna tell her No, we don't, that's not Yes, we'd love to.
- Great! Well, we can catch up then.
- Yeah.
You're still in? Still in the same big house, yeah.
Saturday night, 7 o'clock.
Don't be late! - Alright.
- Rob.
Oh She seems nice.
She's a cunt.
Ugh, God, my feet are too swollen for these boots.
- Did you see the size of them? - Yeah.
- They look like little hobbit feet.
- Fuck off! Oh, I meant to ask you - why did you call her a cunt? I shouldn't have called her a cunt.
- She's more of a bitch.
- Why is she a bitch? She's one of these people where everything has gone her way, and she thinks she did it, but it's luck.
I just wish one bad thing would happen to her.
Like, I don't want her to get hit by a bus or anything, but you know, maybe if she got arrested for tax fraud or if her dad got caught with child porn or something, you know? Just to knock the smug out of her.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, totally.
Oh, and don't mention the pre-cancer.
If you need to talk about something, then talk about the weather, or the meal or you know, other meals you've enjoyed.
- So, meals.
- Yeah.
- So, do I look fat? - No.
Except for your belly.
And your tits.
- My tits are fat? - Your tits are fat and beautiful.
- Welcome! - Hi! Come in, come in! - Shoes go here.
- That's a good spot for shoes.
- We keep a shoe-free home.
- Oh.
Gotcha.
Do you mind if I keep mine on? It's just my feet are swollen from Well, you can, but you'll be the only one with shoes on! So if you're OK with that, then I am! OK, just - This is a delicious meal.
- Thank you.
Well, it's all Chris's work.
He's the cook here, aren't you? - Where's Jeffrey tonight? - He's in bed.
He has to get up at four.
He's filming in the morning.
- Our son's a thespian now.
- Really? - When did that happen? - I thought you knew.
- No, I didn't know.
- That's funny.
I thought you knew.
Anyway er, this is his third film.
He filmed a scene with Patrick Stewart last week.
- Such a lovely man.
Total flirt.
- Well, good for Jeffrey.
It's good for all of us.
He's coining it in! Yeah? Great.
This is a delicious meal.
So, tell me, are you planning on a natural birth? I don't know.
Just see what the pain's like.
- Maybe take it from there.
- Really? I really think you should consider a natural birth.
My cousin Sheila, she had all the pain medication going - oxytocin, pethidine, she had the epidural.
- Didn't turn out well.
- Really? What happened to the baby? Oh, no, the baby's fine.
But my cousin had a massive stroke.
She has to use one of those wheelchairs that you blow into to make it move.
Jesus.
That's actually why we should have more than one kid.
What? Just all the shit that can go wrong.
I mean, birth's a risky thing.
There's a reason people had 11 kids in the olden days.
If one or two of them died, you still had leftovers.
- Plus, only children are weirdos.
- I'm an only child.
- There are exceptions.
- My son's an only child.
More than one exception.
But this is a delicious meal.
Best meal I've had in some time.
- Remember that meal we had Tuesday? - I do.
- Because this is better, this meal.
- Yeah.
- I'm going for a cigarette.
- Really? Do you really have to? Yup.
- Rob, do you smoke? - No, I don't.
- Did you quit? - Oh, because you s - Rob, just go for a cigarette.
- Okey-dokey.
Sorry about that.
I hope I didn't upset Fran.
Oh, don't worry about it.
She'll wank off to that for a week.
She loves to get angry at people.
You did her a favour.
- Can I give you some advice, Rob? - Er maybe.
About what? When Sharon goes into labour, jump on a plane, go back to Wisconsin or wherever it is you're from, and skip the whole delivery.
I saw my son coming out, and it was a fucking war zone.
Just put it there, he'll do it later You know they shit when they give birth? - Uh, I've heard that.
- Yeah, well I've seen it.
I wouldn't want that for you.
You'll never be able to forgive her.
Forgive her? You see a little troll come tobogganing out of your wife's snatch on a wave of turds, and part of you will hold her responsible.
That was my first cigarette in ten years.
You haven't smoked in ten years? Well, don't start now, gimme that No, no.
No, no.
Don't.
I do this now.
He's a big one, isn't he? Rob? Yeah.
Is he big all over? Um yeah.
Well, he's in proportion.
What's that like? It doesn't hurt? No, I mean - I mean he's proportional.
I wasn't.
- Is he circumcised? Most American men are, I've heard.
Yeah, he is.
What's that like? - Well, same basic deal, really - No, I mean what does it feel like? Sorry, what does my boyfriend's penis feel like? - You OK? - Yeah, just a little dizzy.
Oh, dear.
You know, I get a little anaemic myself sometimes.
And whenever I feel weak, I just take a tincture of Helonias, or some Arsenicum, if that's all I've got, and I perk right up.
What You do what? - It's a homeopathic remedy.
- Oh.
No, thanks.
- Why not? - It's not real.
- It is.
- It's not.
Well, I think it is.
I was on the Tube today, and I saw a guy with no legs so I prescribed him three drops of doodly-doodle-doo, and his legs grew back.
Rob, Fran's a homeopath.
You could've told me that in my pre-dinner briefing.
Yeah, I think a lot of people don't actually realise that there are alternatives out there that really do work.
My guru, Alan - he cured himself of prostate cancer last year with walnuts.
- Oh, give me a break! - Pardon?! What did he do, jam 'em up his asshole? I'm sorry?! You're coming into my house Not to rip into your beliefs in your own home, but we just received some news about Sharon that is not good, and if I thought for a second that I could rub a blueberry on her vagina and fix her, I would, but I can't, because it's bullshit! - I think you should leave! - I have cancer.
No, you don't! She's lying.
I think we pulled it back at the end.
It was good of you to ask Chris for the recipe for that tagine.
I thought about asking them to wake their kid up so I could get his autograph.
You should have! She'd have loved that.
Aww! - I'm really sorry about tonight.
- Don't be.
They're awful.
And actually I was touched to see you go apeshit at someone for me.
Well, I'm scared.
- Of the not-cancer cancer? - Of everything.
I mean, you're pregnant, you might be sick and I don't know what I'm doing - my shit's still in a suitcase.
Am I a part of your life or not? I mean, are we doing this for real or not? - Well, I don't know - I think you should marry me.
What?! - Are you mental? - Marry me and find out.
Why? I mean, I literally don't know who you are.
I mean, seriously, who are you? Do you have a middle name? Can you ride a horse? Did a priest ever fiddle with you? These are things I don't know.
Clifford.
Yes.
And no.
But a nun did stay in the room with me when I changed out of dirty underpants once.
Oh, God.
Oh, aren't you supposed to fall in love first? Well, my mom sent me an article about a study on arranged marriages versus love marriages and they found that fewer arranged marriages end in divorce than real ones.
Is that because they end in suicide? I don't know, I didn't read the whole article.
Also, you'll need to marry me so I can stay in the country.
Ugh, God.
You don't have to be part of its life, you know.
I'm not expecting anything.
Except money.
Maybe a bit of money.
So, I just write a cheque every month and leave it at that? Fuck that.
I didn't know my father and it sucked.
This kid gets a dad.
Oh, God, you don't have to be so American about it.
Fine! Oh! Oh! Oh, God, hurry up, I'm not gonna come.
How did my vagina feel? - It felt great.
- Yeah? Make the most of it 'cause it's not gonna feel like that for much longer.
Not after your big-headed son scrums his way out of it.
If it helps, I dated a woman a few years ago and she'd had a couple of kids, and her vagina was crazy tight.
I mean, like, teenager tight.
It was amazing.
How do you know what a teenager's vagina feels like? 'Cause I used to be a teenager.
Oh! Oh, yeah! And it didn't it didn't feel cancer-y? No, it didn't feel cancer-y, because you really, sincerely don't have cancer.
In fact, I want us to get a second opinion.
Doctors make mistakes all the time.
You know, they told my brother when he was ten that he had polio.
But it turns out he just was clumsy.
They probably told another kid he was clumsy and then he died of polio.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Yeah, you might have to cross that bridge alone because I'll be dead.
That's the spirit