Catastrophe (2015) s04e06 Episode Script

Season 4, Episode 6

1 That was horrible.
You should be able to handcuff your kids to the airplane seat.
They'd be all "waaah" for a minute, and then they'd be fine.
Have a super trip to Vermont! Hope you get trampled by a moose.
- What a monster.
- I know! I mean, what was her problem? Frankie only threw up on her two or three times.
If she didn't want kids talking to her, she shouldn't have worn a fucking Shrek jumper.
Oh, God, I need to stop for a second.
I'm so tired I could cry.
Well, put on your sunglasses and cry! I can't.
Muireann popped one of the lenses out.
Oh, honey! - Sir? - Hm? - (ROB LAUGHS) - Oh, shit.
We'll get it in a minute! Hey! - Hi! - Hi! Get over here.
Hey! Hi! - What is that smell? - It's us.
Well, it's at least great to see you.
Let's go.
- Let's hit the beach! - Yes! OK.
(SYDNEY WAILS) Is that the radio? (SHE SOBS) Mom's dead! - She died! - What? - (HE LAUGHS) - (SHE SOBS) - Come on! - No! - What? No.
What? I don't - What? I talked to her right before we got on the plane! She asked me to bring her Colman's Mustard! I I found her in her bedroom this morning! - What happened? - I don't know yet.
We think it's probably a heart attack.
(SHE SOBS) (BOTH SOB) - Do you want me to drive? - BOTH: No.
- (BOTH SOB) - OK.
All good.
Did the paramedics try to resuscitate her? They did not.
She was cold when they got here.
Did they try everything? I mean, should I go up there - and try to - No! Hey.
- Oh! - Mm.
Are you OK? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You know.
- Yeah.
Um, Pat, this is my brother Rob.
- Oh! - And this is my Sharon.
This is Rob's Sharon.
This is Sharon.
Rob I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
- It's terrible.
- Yeah.
It's just terrible.
Did you tell 'em about last night? She just She didn't seem herself to me.
- She didn't seem herself to you? - Not to me.
We were having soup from Five Corners.
She loves their soup.
And so we were just in the kitchen, - slurping on that.
- Oh! But her eyes seemed cloudy to me.
And she said She She said a couple of times how tired she was.
- Oh! - (PAT GROANS) All right.
I'm gonna go get us some lunch.
Thank you.
Mia said you were a big corned-beef guy when you were a kid.
- You still like corned beef? - I'm gonna go see my mom now.
All right.
Well, I'll just get a few different meats, then, - just to be safe.
- Yes.
All right.
People die when we visit.
Your dad died when we went to Ireland, and now my mom.
I mean, we can Skype or write letters to your mom, but if we visit her she'll die.
We have a dark power.
What? I was just wondering if there was anyone we SHOULD visit.
(THEY LAUGH) Maybe we should visit Fergal.
(THEY LAUGH) That's not funny.
It's nice seeing you laugh.
She looked kind of beautiful, didn't she, lying there.
She really did.
Do you think Pat went up there and did her hair and makeup? Huh? No.
I dunno.
Sounds like they had a pretty great rapport.
I don't like that he was here when she died.
Fuckin' grief vampire.
What do you think his problem is? What do I think his problem is?! What, that he loves your sister and he seems really kind, and he made us that great lunch? He put meat on a tray.
Yeah, but I think he smoked that meat himself.
I'll fuckin' smoke HIS meat.
(SHE SIGHS) When do you think the service will be? We're aiming for Friday.
We might need to stick around for a few days afterwards, - just to help sort out her affairs.
- OK.
How long do you think that will take? I dunno.
- But approximately? - I dunno! - So I should cancel the hotel? - Yup.
Do you think you still might want to go down to the beach? - I don't know! - OK, honey.
I was just you know.
- It might be good for the kids.
- Yeah, well, I tell you what.
Why don't you go to the beach, and I'll stay here and go to my mom's funeral.
I'm gonna go to your mom's funeral! Just after that, maybe we should go to the beach.
You'll still be sad.
Just why not be sad on the beach? - I'll still be sad? - I'll be sad too at the beach.
Looks great! Oh! It's for my mother-in-law's funeral.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How'd you get on? - You get a nice suit? - Probably four sizes too big, but it was 75 bucks, so Did you get that dress? Yeah.
I got the blue bikini as well, because it was so cheap.
Also, you never know.
There's another swimsuit store up here I saw.
- I wanted to have a look.
Do you mind? - Rob! Rob Norris? Tim? (HE LAUGHS) - How you doing, man? - What's up? - (ROB LAUGHS) - Oh, wow! Hey, Sharon, this is Tim Cabot.
We worked together for years at Frye and Loeb.
- Tim, this is my wife Sharon.
- Hi, Tim.
Sharon! I had a little girlfriend in fat camp called Sharon.
- You're not from Toronto, are you? - Er, no! I'll take your word for it.
(ALL LAUGH) - How you doing, man? - Pretty good, you know? Started my own business.
Got tired of making those donkeys rich.
What the hell are you doing back here? Did London kick you out once they found out you were a bigamist? N No.
Um, my mom died yesterday.
Holy shit! I am sorry to hear that.
Yeah, my mom died 11 years ago.
It sucks not having a mom.
I don't care that I'm 56.
I still want my mommy! (HE CHUCKLES) Listen, let's get together when it's a better time.
- OK.
- Maybe Sharon could fall in love with Boston, and I could entice you to come work for me.
Unless you don't like box seats at Fenway or lobster Fridays! - I like those things.
- (TIM LAUGHS) Oh! Got ya.
- All right, man.
- Listen, I gotta roll.
Gimme a call.
- OK.
- Sharon.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, man! Wow! Still mourning after 11 years.
Wow! Yeah, looks that way.
Guess you better not ask HIM to go bikini shopping with you.
What's that supposed to mean? Is that a dig at me? I'm devastated too, you know.
And, worse, you're inconvenienced.
Honey! I feel awful for you.
Of course I do.
And for me.
Really awful, but Am I sad for us, that it happened on our family holiday? Yeah! I'm sorry, but I am.
We've had a really tough year, and it's just horrible luck.
I hear what you're saying.
It is sad about the holiday.
Why don't you take that feeling and put it in a box, and then try and kick it up your own asshole while I bury my mom? Oh, sweetheart! - I'm so sorry.
- Thank you, Jan.
I know Mia was looking forward to seeing Frankie and, er, the girl.
- Muireann.
- Moo Yes.
Of course.
I'm Sharon.
Very sad.
Bobby, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah? - Your dad's here.
- Oh! - Wow! - Sydney won't come out of her room.
She doesn't wanna see him.
- Where is he? - He's in the bathroom.
He's been in there for 20 minutes.
I think he's taking a shower.
But when he gets out, probably best we ask him to leave.
Let's just hit the brakes there for a second.
- There's the big guy! - (HE LAUGHS) - I know who YOU are.
- (HE LAUGHS) Welcome to New England.
So, is Rob showing you a good time? Well, we've been getting ready for the funeral.
Make sure he takes you to Woodman's for some fried clams.
Hey! Who's this little guy? Er, that's your grandson.
Well, how about that? Hey, are you OK? I mean, you look a little yellow.
Oh, yeah.
It's a little cirrhosis.
- I'm on some list for a new liver.
- Jesus! I wanna be honest, I'm not priority, but why should I be? I always rode it hard and put it away wet.
Anyways, good news about Brexit, huh? Oh, I forgot.
You're a bigot.
Oh, come on.
It's just about borders.
What, you gonna build a house without walls? It'd be nuts! Plus it'll give your cousins in the IRA something to do.
What?! We don't owe him anything.
He wasn't even there when you were born.
He met you when you were four days old.
Fuckin' asshole.
You know who WAS there? I was there! I was five.
I'm not telling you what to do, but if you told him you forgive him, even if you don't mean it, you'll feel better, cos he's gonna die soon.
You can forgive someone when they're dead.
Yeah, exactly! I'm not on his timeline.
He chose to live that way.
You reap what you sow.
Oh, God.
My uncle had cirrhosis.
It was disgusting.
It was a bad end.
Thank you.
I'm right here.
Whatever you need.
- (SEAGULLS CRY) - In a lot of ways she was a great mom.
She used to cook us casseroles in the morning.
She'd read somewhere that breakfast was the most important meal of the day, so she used to get up at 5:00 AM and prep a big pot of meat and vegetables, and we'd just sit there and sweat and eat it.
And she did good deeds, too.
We found that out when we were going through her stuff.
She raised money for spinal surgeries for kids through her eBay sales.
There's just a button on eBay where you can donate, and that's what she did.
Her friend Sally gave me an email that she sent her.
I'll read it.
"I heard about these babies.
Their spines are like corkscrews, but once they have these surgeries, it's beautiful.
" "They can play hockey or rollerblade.
" "I mean, I wouldn't have to do it at all if this government gave a rat's ass about disabled kids.
" "They'd be happy to just throw 'em out the window.
" "I bet Mike Pence spends his Sundays throwing disabled kids out of windows.
" "Looks like he would, that fuckin' microwaved-apple lookin' ass motherfucker.
" (THEY LAUGH) I'd go on, but it gets worse.
Please join us at Archie's for fried stuff and drinks.
Thank you.
(SHE SOBS AND WAILS) Oh, honey! (SHE SOBS) I dunno why I'm - You miss her.
- Oh, no.
(SHE SOBS) (MURMUR OF CONVERSATION) I hated Obama, but I respect him.
You'd think after eight years, he'd wanna put his feet up, instead of spending all that time - organising fake school shootings.
- Jesus! Why are you here, outside of looking for a donor liver? I'm here to pay my respects to your mom.
- Oh, really? - Really.
Really? - You look like a fuckin' Minion.
- I don't even know what that is.
Is that bad? Is it? What? - (SHE SOBS) - Oh, for God's sake! - (SHE SOBS) - Oh, God! Oh! Did you see my dad fuckin' followed us here? Yeah.
He's probably filling his pockets with chowder crackers.
(SHE LAUGHS / SOBS) Are you OK? - Yeah.
I'm just - Oh! I didn't realise you loved her so much.
No, I didn't.
I'm just Sorry! You just keep talking, cos I gotta take a whiz.
Ugh! I think maybe it's I think maybe it's jetlag or something, you know? - Oh - Shit! Do you have a tampon? Um, no.
I don't think so.
I haven't had my, um - Oh, fuck! - What? My period's four days late.
Hang on.
Is today Wednesday? - No.
It's Friday.
- It's six days late! I haven't been to a funeral in quite a while.
I usually skip 'em.
Really? Is this the first funeral you've been to where you broke the jar of the deceased while drunk? She told you about that? Yeah.
Well, I thought about that a lot, and all's I can say is, I hit her way less than my dad hit my mom.
And I spoke to Sharon, and she says you don't hit her at all, so it's all going in the right direction.
And look at that little guy.
He's gonna be even better than you.
- Can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah.
Er what do you wanna do about your dad? He upsets Sydney, and he's quite yellow.
Are we taking his word for it that he's not contagious with all that? Look, Pat, you seem like a great guy, or at least Sydney thinks that you are.
But as far as I'm concerned, you're just some guy that I met yesterday, who's sticking his nose into my family's asshole.
- I know you're upset.
- That's some insight there, Dr Phil.
So I'm not gonna take offence to that.
Would you rather take offence to me telling you to shut your Guy Smiley muppet-hole and fuck off behind that plant over there? - Rob - All right, man.
Agh! Oh, great! Good work, Pat! Oh, my God Oh, what? Shit! You know, you should probably get HER contact info so you can be there when she dies.
Share a cup of soup with her on her deathbed while her kids are banging on the window to be let in.
Maybe you should go outside and get some air.
- I'd like that! - Great.
I'm very sorry.
(MOBILE RINGS) Hello? Are you OK? Yeah.
It's just been a long day.
Tim Cabot called me earlier.
Who? The guy you went to fat camp with in Toronto.
- (SHE LAUGHS) - Oh, Tim! - What did he want? - He offered me a job.
A really good one.
- Wow! That's gotta feel nice.
- Yeah, it does.
- And frustrating.
- Why? - Well, since you can't take it.
- Why? Why can't I take it? Because we don't live here.
But we could.
I mean, why not? It'd be like a new adventure.
The kids'd love it, you know, and if we sold our place in London, we could pay cash for a house in Swampscott, Massachusetts.
I don't wanna live somewhere called Swampscott.
- All right, then.
Saugus! - (SHE LAUGHS) Jesus, who names these places? I just wanna get home, OK? I just wanna get back to normal.
Look, I uprooted my life for you and moved away from my family, and now my mom is dead.
My dad's old, and the biggest organ in his body is shutting off.
And my sister seems strong, but she needs me.
Yeah, but they know you have a family in London that needs you too, and also they've got Pat now.
We could argue about this all night, but I'm taking the job, and we're staying.
You can't just tell me what I'm doing.
- I'm not a fuckin' handmaid.
- Whoa, whoa.
When I said "we", I meant me and the kids.
What? I mean, you could be a part of our "we", or you could just as easily fuck off, but I'm staying here with the kids.
OK, I know you're grieving, and in a little while you'll feel really bad and apologise, but even suggesting I live in a different country from my kids is a good way to get the ball rolling on your own funeral.
And I don't mean to sound psychopathic, but I will kill you.
I fuckin' dare you to kill me.
You wouldn't last a minute, trying to raise these kids on your own.
Do you know how hard I would laugh if you killed me? - Ha! Not as hard as me.
- Oh, it'd be a welcome relief.
From the day I met you, I've struggled to make you happy, and it never works.
Have you ever done one thing, I mean, one thing, just for me? What, other than grow and feed and raise all of your babies? - Other than that.
- Countless blow jobs.
Countless?! I'm pretty sure I can count to 23 over four years.
- I get claustrophobic! - Well, you know what? You're mean and you're selfish and nobody likes you.
Oh, is that so? Well, I don't really care.
More importantly, I don't like you.
(DIAL TONE) "Hi, this is Fergal.
Please leave a message.
" Is everything OK with you guys? Well, I'm not sure I have a short answer for that.
I called Dad, and we're gonna have lunch next week, - so Yeah.
- (HE CHUCKLES) If I can do that, I think you can sort things out with Sharon, right? Oh! Er, I have something for you, before you leave.
OK, wait.
Listen, er I don't wanna bother Rob with this, but can you let him know that I'm sorry if I tried to take the wheel too much.
I might have to mail it to him in a letter, cos he's not talking to me right now, but sure.
And anyway, don't worry about it.
- You've been great.
- Ahh.
- You're a real rock for Sydney.
- Well, I try to be.
I think that's what Rob needs, too.
A rock.
Huh? I'm a rock.
- I'm his rock.
- Oh! Okey-dokey.
- Yeah.
- Yeah! Of course.
- (SHE MOUTHS) - Hey! So, this came last night.
I thought you'd wanna have it, cos she bought it before she died.
She's been falling asleep in the middle of her eBay auctions.
She bought a ceramic banana last week for $1,500 cos she conked out on the re-bid button.
(HE WHIMPERS) (ROB SOBS) - I'm sorry, Pat.
- Nn-nn.
Aww! - Can you pull over? - Yeah.
Are you OK? Yeah.
Just wanna tell you something.
It's weird, you know.
When you're here, you don't feel like you're in a white-nationalist ethno-state run by a fake pee-cratic dictator.
You just feel like you're on a pretty beach.
You'd never know.
I'm sorry that you find it a struggle to make me happy.
Because really, you make me happy every day.
I mean most days.
Honey, I seriously didn't mean those awful things that I said.
I just thought, you know, "What would be meanest?" Yeah, but I get why you said it.
So let's do it, you know? Let's move here.
We could have a good life here.
Look, I'm a husk of a man.
And if you wanna be with this, then, I don't care where we do it.
It could be London or Boston or fuckin' Cairo.
Just tell me where to be and when, and I'll do it.
I'm pregnant.
I know.
I saw the test in the trash can.
You left it, like, on top of the pile of trash, and I figured it wasn't Sydney's or my mom's.
Oh, God! What do you think? - I threw up when I saw it.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
But then I thought why not? I mean, it could be fun.
What do you think? Yesterday I definitely didn't wanna have any more of your children, but I mean, now, sitting here, and you look so handsome I really wanna have it.
I really wanna push out a tiny little baby and just kiss it and smell it.
- Can I ask you something? - I didn't fart.
There's an algae here that smells like It smells like my farts.
Just do you think we would've ended up together? I mean, if you hadn't've got me pregnant the first time.
If I met you right now, I'd still wanna fuck you for a week, and get you pregnant and marry you, and mess it all up from there.
Let's do that, then.
Do you wanna jump in quickly? The kids are asleep.
- No.
- Why? I don't wanna have fun right now.
(SHE LAUGHS) - What are you doing? - Having fun! Sharon! Thought you didn't wanna swim! I didn't like seeing you adrift in there on your own.
(SONG: THE SUBURBS BY ARCADE FIRE) If I could have it back All the time that we wasted I'd only waste it again If I could have it back You know I would love to waste it again Waste it again and again and again Well, I've got to ask Sometimes I can't believe it I'm moving past the feeling again Sometimes I can't believe it I'm moving past the feeling again Sometimes I can't believe it I'm moving past the feeling