Cavendish (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

The Coven

1 Hm.
Hey man.
I found a hornet's nest in the backyard.
I was gonna go swing a stick at it and then run for my life.
- You wanna join? - Yeah.
Normal answer.
What you got here? It's a letter from a literary magazine I submitted to.
- Good news? - I haven't opened it yet.
- What are you waiting for? - I'm just a little nervous, 'cause - Give me this! - Oh! Mark, Mark, Mark Mark! - I am going to read it.
That's what I'm here for! - Yeah, but what if it's bad? - What if it's bad? What if it's good? Hm? - Yeah.
For all you know, Andrew, they gave you the centerfold of the damn thing.
- Literary magazines don't have centerfolds.
- They don't? They should.
Here we go.
"Dear Mr.
" - That's a good start! That's a good start.
- Not bad, not bad.
"We are writing regarding your short story, A Tall Drink Of Winter "We feel, given your numerous past submissions, a detailed response is only fitting.
" How many times have you submitted to these guys? - Thirty.
Keep going.
- Alright.
"You have achieved something very rare "with your latest story in that it manages to be both technically inept and artistically worthless.
" - Yeah, alright! - Alright, let's just "That you achieve both with your weak chinned prose - is no small feat of ineptitude.
" - Mark, can you just - Just give it to me! - "Weak chinned prose.
" Hold on! There's way more! (musical theme) Thank you for saving my son, Travel Dog.
- And good luck to ye - What is this? Is this The Littlest Hobo? Travel Dog.
It's like The Littlest Hobo except the dog in this one isn't neutered.
I see that now.
He is really going to town, there.
OK, Andy, come on, pal.
Let's go outside.
Let's go have some fun.
- What is "fun"? - Alright.
Look at me.
Look at me! Hey! Up here! There is a little saying I like to quote when I get knocked down and it goes like this: "I get knocked down, "but I get up again 'cause you are never gonna keep me down.
" You know who said that, Andy? - Chumbawamba? - Chumbawamba.
In their 1997 opus, Tubthumping.
A song about a young, presumably Irish lad named "Dany Boy", who always got up after he'd been knocked down.
Now that's what we're gonna do, Andy.
So let's get on our feet! - Let's get up again! Come on! - No.
Respect my boundaries, Mark! Respect your brother's boundaries, Marky.
- Fine - Is everything okay? Yeah.
Andy's just being a mopey piece of crap because his stupid short story got rejected by some magazine.
Oh! Well, there are two ways of dealing with rejection.
You can either sit and mope about it all day 'til your soul shrivels inside you like an old dead shrub, or or you can kill yourself! That's it? Those are my two options? I always think a support system is very important.
I mean that's what I get from my coven.
- I think we should get these goodies back.
- Ruth, before you leave, I heard the word coven.
What about some elaboration on that if possible? It's nothing too exciting.
It's just a 200-year-old pagan society that gets together in their various moon phases to spend quality time together.
- Bryn's a part of it.
- I blow the horn.
The summoning horn.
Actually, tonight is her monthly esbat.
That's witch speak for meeting.
You're more than welcome to join us.
Might make you feel better.
Thank you, Ruth, but I think I'm just gonna - stay and watch - Now, that, that sounds wonderful, Ruth.
- We will absolutely be there.
- That's the spirit, boys! Ah! Look! Travel Dog! (chuckles) I used to love this! Did you know this holds the record for the most dog pregnancies - ever on set? - Oh! That is fun! (expressions of disgust) - Bad dog! Bad! - This is great.
Man, this town is light on appropriate witch wear.
What about this? This is too sexy, right? You are not gonna fit in that.
Looks like an IUD.
- I'll make it work.
- Why are we doing this? - Doing what? - Hanging out with a bunch of middle-aged women pretending to be witches? Are you kidding me, Andy? This is gonna be awesome! How often do you get invited to be part of a coven? Oh man, we get to slit our palms into a goblet and make a wish for what we truly want to Manon! What would you wish for, Andy, from Manon? - Who's Manon? - Who's Manon! Manon is the force that controls all things in at least one teen witch movie.
We have to be careful, because he will take your peer group and split it apart faster then you can Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! Shut up for a second.
- You were talking.
- The hell is that? (door chime) Woah! Oh! Where the hell did this place come from? Some say it appeared out of nowhere one night.
Others say that we obtained all the necessary permits and opened 2 weeks after some quick renos.
It used to be a Marvellous Muffins.
How may I help you? Well, we were recently invited to join a coven and we were hoping to get something to wear for our first "esbat".
Oh May I interest you in robes? - Oh, hell yeah! Now we're talking! - We have many options.
Full floor length for the traditional witch.
Knee length for the naughty witch.
And sheer for the witch who's looking to turn up and horn down.
I think traditional sounds good, unless Andy? Are you looking to turn up and horn down? - Traditional's fine.
- Traditional then.
- Would you like them wrapped? - No, that's okay.
We'll just wear them on outta here.
I do have a question about this curtain behind you.
Seems to be housing something rather fun.
Any chance I could snag a peek back there? The things contained in that room are not for the casual consumers.
Therein lies a darkness you could not possibly understand, you who appear to have known no true suffering.
Oh yeah.
You know what? That is true.
You, on the other hand, you are more than ready to see what lies therein.
It's clear you've suffered much during your I'm gonna say 45 years on this Earth.
I'm 34! And I don't wanna see what's in your stupid room.
- Suit yourself.
- But take them off! Were you boys looking to pay cash (in a deep tone): or credit? (music and conversations) I knew we shouldn't have worn these.
- No one else is dressed up.
- We look good, man! You look good, I look amazing! - You look like a porno wizard.
- Yeah.
Like I said, I look amazing.
Anyway, don't worry.
This is all just preamble.
Things are gonna get real weird - before long.
- OK, everybody! Thanks for coming to the esbat! Let's get this thing formally started.
Bryn, sweetie, want to skronk your horn? (horn blowing) Terrific.
Bring forth the quilt! Hey! What's gonna happen with this guy later? Are we gonna sacrifice him or sacrifice something to him? Oh no.
Monty is my emotional support snake.
Having him nearby helps me with my anxiety.
That That sucks.
A little bit of housekeeping.
It's solstice this weekend.
So we will be adding a new panel.
Also it's a potluck so this time, let's coordinate so we don't all bring deserts again.
- (laughter) - Thank you, ladies.
Thank you.
Now, it's my favourite part of the night.
I'd like to introduce one of the newest members of our group, Andy Tennesen, to come up and open our sharing circle with a few words about what it was that brought him here, tonight.
Andy! - I'm OK.
I'm alright.
- I'll speak, Ruth, if you want me to say some kinda dark weird stuff.
Oh no! I'd like to hear Andy.
Come on, Andy.
Give it a chance.
Might make you feel better.
- Attaboy.
- Alright.
I'm not usually one to talk about myself but I guess I'll give it a try.
Ooh! It's been a rough day.
Um Actually, it's been a rough couple of years.
I'm trying to be a writer; but it seems like with every new rejection, it's more and more of a pipe dream.
I had so much to say.
I just feel like the world doesn't wanna listen sometimes.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- It's alright.
- I'm sorry.
- It's alright.
Just let it out! - I'm sorry - Let it out! - (crying) - (affected mumbling) Oh, God, this feels so good.
Oh, my God (loud metal music) How is this for a new vibe? You guys into this? (speech covered by loud music) Cut our hands open for Manon, hey? Manon! (laughing and screaming) - What you got there? - Oh! Just making a little list of Well, have a seat.
Have a seat.
- I wanna run some stuff by you.
- OK.
So last night, huh! Oof! - What do you mean? - Just the whole vibe, you know.
Hanging out, hugging, eating cheese.
Am I the only one who searched witchcraft? Hello? So I compiled a bit of a list of things that I was going to propose at the next meeting, just to see if we could all move towards a more "coveney" direction in the future, so number 1, and this one seems obvious: more spells.
- Any spells, really.
- Yeah Number 2, movie night.
Blair Witch, Witches of Eastwick If it's got witch in the title, it's probably gonna take us in the right direction.
- Number 3 - I don't know, Mark.
They've been running this whole thing for 200 years.
- Everyone seems happy.
- Yes, but is the point of a coven to be happy? That's sort of a bigger picture question.
Where are you headed? Oh, I'm actually headed to hang out with some of the people from the coven.
Oh! Great! We can talk about these things there.
Oh! Ah They specifically asked for me not to bring you.
You kind of gave off a bit of a weird vibe last night.
- What? - Well, you asked to sacrifice Deb's snake.
That's her pet.
It's a snake in a coven, Andy.
I mean, come on! It's like bringing regular tea to an iced-tea convention.
At a certain point, that tea is getting iced.
It's not a perfect metaphor.
But I'm sorry.
I'm feeling flustered and a bit off my game.
I am like a guy who's normally on his game but F me! Goddammit! This is hard! Mark, Mark, Mark! It's okay! Look, it's just a little rejection.
And, um How do I put this? What do you do when you get knocked down? You get back up again.
You mother - Dany Boy! - Oh, motherf! But you are my favourite child.
- Hey, man! - Hey! I'd like to return these robes if I could.
Oh, the black underwear is final sale.
I can only take the robes if they are unblooded.
- Well, no worries there, man.
- Or any other fluids? You don't have to worry about anything.
I promise you.
OK, just I've had people trying to return these robes - in the past, and wasn't cool! - Right.
Let's just say after Eyes Wide Shut, everything changed.
Well, these are clean robes.
I promise you.
So no need to worry.
Just to be a 100% clear, I'm talking about semen.
I know exactly what you are talking about.
- OK.
Just have to check.
- Yeah.
You look different today.
Tasted darkness? Perhaps rejection? Hmm-hm.
Yeah, you could say that again.
Perhaps you are ready to see what's behind the blue curtain.
But know this: for all that cross this threshold, they must be prepared to walk the left-hand path.
Welcome to my unholy sanctum.
As you can see, we have a wide selection of spells, tomes, and some light pornography.
Oh, that's cool, man.
Naked for Satan.
The Blackened Tryst - Ass 5 - Yeah, no.
I'm not super into that, - but thank you so much.
- OK! But if I may say, if you were put off by Ass 4, Ass 5 puts the franchise - right back on track.
- Not super familiar with the franchise.
You were saying something about a left-hand path? It is a rejection of a society whose values reject you and it can all be found - here! - Oh! Hell yeah! You know, I think it's time Cavendish got itself a real coven.
(diabolical laughs) - (laughter) - OK, OK, I'll read something! Oh! It's supposed to be read with an Irish brogue, so Pot of gold.
Pot of gold.
Daniel Day Lewis.
OK, I got it.
(proud sigh) (long exhale) "Slade knelt by the unfrozen pond.
"The water looked good.
"He tasted it.
"Felt its cool wetness slide into him.
"Surely many have drunk this frigid draught, he thought.
"This gelid moist.
My God.
" Oh, my goodness.
That was wonderful.
And that word you used "Gelid"? What does that mean? Uh It's it's kind of a word that's hard to define, but I-I definitely know how to use it in a sentence.
Just to put this out there.
Maybe you could write us an opening invocation for the Solstice Weaving this weekend, something that you could read to the town? I would love to! (pleased laughs) Thank you! That's fantastic! Oh! I kind of feel like a cool wetness is sliding into me! (laughter) "Baphomet, Amon, Moloch and Baal, "Lords of Darkness look upon us this night with hungry eyes "and angry bones.
We besiege thee.
" And thee, and thee, and thee.
Thank you for being here, everyone.
Thank you so much.
Bryn, thank you - for crossing over.
- I was promised a bigger horn.
And you shall receive your bigger horn.
Uh, yeah.
Felix? You got you got a question? (mumbling) rid of the tummy grumblies Tummy "grumblies".
Do you need to you need go to the bathroom? Is that what you're Oh yeah! I gotta pinch off Mike Duffy before too long.
Well, that is very colorful imagery, and you are welcome to use the bathroom.
You do not need to ask.
(mumbling): half hour, so continue on with your Halloween chitchat or whatnot.
Let's break this down, ladies and gentlemen.
There is a 200 year-old book club in this town that calls themselves a coven.
This weekend, they will be celebrating the Solstice, presumably by holding hands and singing Kumbaya.
Well, I say that we show them what a real coven looks like.
So any ideas for what we should do? No wrong answers.
Yeah, Travis? We could do a panty raid.
So just so I'm a 100% clear, that's where we would break into their houses and - Steal their panties.
- Steal their panties.
So, OK! I just wanna thank Travis, right off the bat, for being the first person to give a suggestion.
That's never easy.
I'm not gonna write that one down, cause I feel like it's just a little bit off off-base for what we're looking for here.
But yeah Let's try to keep this in the realm of dark magic.
You did say there were no wrong answers.
Yep! I did say that, but, um, how about starting now, now that we all know the parameters.
OK? Yes.
- I like the panty raid idea.
- The panty raid idea is not on the table, Bryn.
It's not on the table at all.
Here is all you need to know.
Dark magic.
How about that? We could use spells to make their panties come to us.
- OK.
Hmm - Just like The Sorcerer's Apprentice.
Uh-huh! Yeah, stop.
Stop doing that.
I'm I'm so serious.
I'm so angry and I'm so serious.
- Felix, what do you need, man? - Um - What do you need? - (mumbling) working on take care of the tummy grumblies? Go to the bathroom.
I have given you multiple green lights on that front.
You know what guys? Look around.
We are sitting in an atmosphere of absolute darkness here.
Get inspired.
Get inspired.
Payne, you must have some cool ideas.
Come on! Come on! - I do have a cauldron.
- Now we're talking.
It'd be the perfect place to store all the panties.
- Oh, my God! - We can get all the panties - (overlapping conversations) - Stop it! Stop it! OK, guys.
You know what? Everything you're pitching here is child's play.
I'm talking about something big! I'm talking about tearing at the very fabric of what they hold of what they hold dear.
And I think I know which fabric to tear.
Are you sure you're not saying exactly what we're saying? No, Bryn.
I am not talking about I'm not talking about panties.
Friends, hello and welcome to the 200th Official Summer Solstice Gathering! (cheering and applause) Today we are gathered to bear witness to everyone's favourite coven of "heretics" as they weave a new chapter into their pagan story! Please welcome Andy Tennesen.
(applause) Thank you, Madam Mayor.
This is a little poem of dedication titled Summer Into Me.
"Beloved sun, - your rays, like" - (metal music) - Mark? - Good afternoon, everyone.
- What? - I said good afternoon, everyone.
We can't hear you, man.
Music's too loud.
What do you say? - Music too loud? - Yeah! Alright.
One second.
I'll just turn it off.
How is that? - Oh, that's so much better! - Is that better? - Yeah.
- OK.
Felix, do you wanna take that? - Take that for me, please.
- (mumbling) Don't sell it! Alright? Alright.
So this is what passes for witchcraft in this town, is it? Barbecues, touch football, and races in a potato sack Mark, why don't you Why don't you just calm down and come hang out with us? You'd like that, wouldn't you, Andrew? You'd love it if we'd just hung out like chums.
You may notice that we are guided towards a greater purpose now.
So why don't you take your invitation and shove it up your ass? - (crowd gasps) - I'm here for one thing only.
To watch the world burn, either literally or figuratively.
Bryn, give it a skronk! Hell yeah, bitch! Let's roll! (attack scream) (rhythmic music) (screaming) - The quilt.
Ah! - Mark! No, Mark, stop! Stop! Stop! This isn't you.
You don't know anything about me, Andy.
I only care about - one thing now: destruction! - Oh! My God! Now watch as I tear the very fabric of your reality apart! It's not taut enough.
Gotta get it tau - NO! - Ow! Ow, Andy! Ow! Andy! Andy, you're hurting me.
Ow, ow, ow! OK! OK! OK! All of this because you got rejected once in your life? - Give me the quilt, Andrew! - No! This is not your quilt! This is the witches' quilt! That's our quilt! Come on! I'm the only one at this Solstice who's a witch! (gasps) Such violence on the Solstice This is not what being a witch is about.
This is exactly what being a witch is about.
Right, Payne? I don't know, man.
This feels less like witchcraft and more like bullying.
Yeah, we really should've done the panty raid.
The panty raid was never on the table, Travis! Never! That was never on the table! Thank you for saving my daughter from those human traffickers, Travel Dog.
And good luck to ye, wherever you're bound! I don't know how you do it, Andy.
You get rejected every day.
It's honestly amazing you haven't taken your own life by now.
- Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
Hey, sorry I got you kicked out of your coven.
It's OK.
Sorry I hurt your wrist.
Oh, it's OK.
It's alright.
You wanna watch another episode? Yeah.
( Travel Dog theme music ) I'll find you, Travel Dog.
And when I do, I'll neuter you in a safe and professional manner.
Because I am The Veterinarian! This show is weird as hell, man! - Yeah! It's really good! - Yeah.
You can make your life a misery if you try