Celebrity Juice (2008) s14e01 Episode Script
Jonathan Ross, Jamie Laing, Kellie Bright, Chris Ramsey
1 How do? I am Keith Lemon and these are my sweet-arse titles.
There is Holly Williboozy coming out of a giant clam.
Check out those bangers, boys.
There is Gino d'Acampo who is covering for Fearne while she is off having a baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven but do not worry, we are not dead.
It is just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it is Celebrity Juice on telly.
HD ready.
Hi.
Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Ye-e-es! Yes! Hoora-a-a-ah! Welcome back to a brand-new series of Celebrity Juice.
Yes! I could not do it without our team captains so let's meet them, it is Holly Willoughboozy! Boozy? I would let you fart in my mouth.
I will take that as a yes.
I am so proud to work with you.
Oh, thanks.
You are the fittest woman on television.
Oh, please.
I am telling you, I have masturbated to you when you do This Morning.
Until I get a scar.
Stop, stop.
You know what? I enjoy you so much with Phillip Schofield that sometimes I think about him as well.
Who is on your team, Holly? On my team tonight, to my right is the legend that is Jonathan Ross.
And on my left, he is the naughty boy of Chelsea, it is Jamie Laing.
Jonathan Ross in the hizoose.
Looking very smart.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So are you.
Have you got a job interview after? What has happened to your flamboyancy? What do you mean, my flamboyancy? What are you talking about? You look quite sort of quite straight.
I tell you what, because when I come on the show, I think only one person should dress like a (BLEEP) on TV at any given time.
Let's meet our other team.
Filling in for Fearne Cotton while she is having a sprog, it is Gino Sheffield d'Acampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
So, when you have been a team capitan, as you put it, in the past, you always mash it up when you introduce your panellists.
Yes, because I do big introductions.
B'pa, b'pa, b'pa! (MOCKS ITALIAN ACCENT) Gino, who is on your team? On my, let me get up On my left He has got a card! He has got a card.
On my left is my favourite Geordie after Ant, Dec, Cheryl, Sarah Millican, Alan Shearer, Sting Oh, come on.
Jimmy Nail, who the fuck is Jimmy Nail? Anyway, it is Chris Ramsey.
And on my right, she is the landlady of the Queen Vic and now she is going to be the new star of Strictly Come Dancing.
It is Kellie Brook.
Oh, Kellie Bright.
Kellie Bright.
Kell In all seriousness, out of 10 episodes, I am going to win six.
Yes, I will.
No way.
Let's have a proper bet.
Let's have a proper bet.
Anything you want.
Are you growing your hair? Yes.
I bet you if you do not with more shows than Holly, I get to shave your hair off.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Do you remember last series you lost every single week? If you win, I will let you host the first episode of the next series, which will be shambolic, but I will let you do it.
You have got a deal.
Yes? I will host the first show of the next series? font He cannot even say series.
Series.
You have got a deal.
Right off? Right.
And I will do the deal.
No shenanigans of you giving fucking 100 million points to the other team? Fair and square? Oh, man.
Can I just formally announce that this episode I am going to get everything wrong.
Everything, you little slaphead.
It is Kellie Bright, everyone.
So, you are doing Strictly now? I am.
Have you come straight from Strictly to here? I have come straight from Strictly to here.
Is it hard work? It is, yes.
And were you happy with Kevin as your dance partner? Yes.
So what did your husband, Malcolm Smith, say about him, then? Are you talking about my on-screen husband? Is he a bit jealous that you are working closely with someone else? Erm He might be a little bit.
No, he is very excited for me.
font color="#ffffff Yes.
I tell you what, I was once with Danny Dyer in a corridor and two girls said, can we have a picture with you? I said, yes.
And he joined in the picture.
And he went into the ear of one of the girls and went, look at you, you pair of sexy (BLEEP).
I would never say that sort of thing to a stranger.
He does not look like that.
He means as a term of affection when he says it.
He does.
He does.
He does.
It is just part of his language.
What are you doing He is dressing as Jamie's dad.
POSH VOICE: Hello.
Fuck that shit.
Hello, Jamie Laing, welcome.
Hello.
Does it help you feel more at home if I speak this way? I don't know why there is a cane.
Good day to you, sir.
It is like Boris Johnson has had a stroke, that is what this is.
Did you go to boarding school? I did go to boarding school.
Did you play soggy biscuit? This game, this game, do you know what this game is? I do not want even to know.
But Gino, do you ever play soggy biscuit in your kitchen? What is a soggy biscuit? A group of men masturbate onto a biscuit, apparently.
I don't know where this has happened.
They masturbate onto to cover the biscuit in the special sauce has to eat the biscuit.
Which biscuit is it? Which biscuit is it? What biscuit is it Now, Jamie, you recently hurt your ribs, didn't you? I did, I played in a rugby match and I got hit by a big guy.
Because I am little and he was big.
How are your ribs now? Apparently I cracked three of them at the back, yes.
I know, very brave.
But I played on for the rest of the match.
We have footage of the tackle.
COMMENTATOR: Ooh! JOHNATHAN ROSS: I think he ran into him.
Oh, look, are you in pain there? Are you in pain? Yes, I was in pain.
Yes, do not worry about it, do not worry about it.
Do you know what he did? As he ran over he said, we got you, you little fucker.
Hey, it is Jonathan Ross! How are you doing? Lovely to see you again.
You know that I am a big fan of you? I could not understand.
I am so sorry.
20 years ago, when I came into this country, I was sitting with my father so we were sitting watching the TV and you were on doing the review of the movies.
And you are doing other stuff as well.
And I remember very vividly Very what? Vividly.
Didderly.
Vividly is just outside Sicily.
And I remember vividly that my father said that the day you on a show with that man, for you, that will be the day that you have made it.
Aww! It is such a shame that it had to be this piece of shit, though, isn't it? Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
You look handsome.
You look really well, you have lost timber, haven't you? I have lost a bit of weight, that is right.
How are you losing timber, are you doing lots of training and stuff? I have been eating these biscuits that Jamie has been bringing round.
I cannot keep them down for long.
No, I have been on a diet.
My wife is on a diet, I am on a diet.
And we just do not eat any carbs.
It is really boring.
But you do not eat any pasta? I can't font color=" Have I eaten alabaster? You do not eat any pasta? No.
No because that is for Italians and poor people.
No, you know what, I miss pasta, it is one of the few things I do miss.
You will know a thing called ravioli.
Yes.
font colo Fuck off.
Ravioli.
Waveeoley.
Wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble.
I tell you what, I have always admired you.
But what I have always been impressed about is how you have overcome your difficulties.
Yes.
Now, I think it is pwetty impwessive so in honour of you, we have come up with a game called So, Jonathan, as you are King of the Lisps, I will let you go first.
As you can see, there are some people over there with the numbers in front of them with boxes.
What I want you to do is to pick a number and then tell me if you think that person has a lisp or does not have a list.
Do they say anything first? No, no, just by looking at them.
How can you tell by looking at them? Well, that is the game.
So, lisp or lisp? Jonathan Ross, choose a number.
Okay, I am going to go with number two because you look a bit, I will be honest, a bit shifty so I am hoping you will be, no, I am not, can I change my mind? Yes.
I will go with number o You look very lispy.
Number one.
Lisp or no lisp? No lisp.
What is your name and where do you come from? My name is James Brown and I am from Southend and I do not have a lisp.
Holly.
Yes? Choose a number.
I am going for number three.
/f You are saying number three has a lisp.
Number three.
Lisp! Good work.
Number three, what is your name and where do you come from? I am Ben Francis and I'm from London.
Whoo-hoo! Have you had it all of your life? Yes, but it comes and goes.
So when you are speaking quickly, that is when it is worse, I bet.
Yes.
Yes, the same as me with my thing.
font color="# If I concentrate on it, and also if I concentrate, I can last longer, but if I concentrate Say sausages.
Do not make him say sausages.
What kind of a fucking ginger (BLEEP) are you to make him say that? You have got a perfectly nice young man there who has got a lisp and you are saying, say sausages.
Jonathan, he is not dying.
He has just got a lisp.
Gino's team.
I am going to go, I cannot believe I'm playing this.
I can't believe how into it I am as well.
Two.
Two with no Lisp.
Let's have a look.
Lift your box.
Open your box.
What is your name and where do you come from? I am Georgie, I am from London and I have a lisp.
A sexy lis Right, say sausages.
You do not have to.
Sausages.
Say sexy sausages on a Sunday.
Just say fuck off, you ginger (BLEEP).
I cannot.
Well done to all of our players.
You have been watching Lisp or No Lisp.
And the scores at the end of that round are shi-ting! We are going to an ad break.
I will see you in three.
Coming up after the break That is it.
There you go.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) With Jonathan Ross, you are the boss.
Oh, no, you are not, I am the boss.
You are the boss, yes.
Let me ask you some questions.
Fire away.
You have got a new television show with Penn and Teller, yeah? It is called Fool Us.
We did it for ITV a few years ago and it did OK over here and then they showed it in America and it did really well.
Me and Holly have a magic trick.
What is it? What can you do? Really? I make something disappear and then I make it reappear, then I make it disappear, then I make it reappear.
And then I wipe it on a pillow afterwards.
Did they teach you some trickery? Yes, would you like me to do one? I would like you to.
OK.
OK, a regular pack of cards.
Choose any one.
OK, stop.
Stop there.
You want one of those three.
Don't show it to me.
Take it.
OK.
Show it to the other guys.
I am going to shut my eyes.
Show it to the audience as well.
Now put it back in the pack.
Just slip it in the top of the pack.
So I will put the pack there.
So, where is your card? It is in that pack.
Are you sure it is in that pack? Yes.
So if your card was to appear somewhere else now, it would be pretty impressive? It would freak me out.
Oh, my God.
Put your hand into my back pocket there.
Take as long as you want.
Yes! That is my card! (APPLAUSE) That is very good.
Shut the fuck up, Jamie! Jamie, shut up.
Jamie, shut up.
You! Is it a secret? If you want me to shit on that biscuit,/fon you will keep your mouth shut.
It is time to play Show Us Yer Gaps.
(APPLAUSE) I am going to show you some pictures of some well-known celebrity couples.
You have to tell me who has the biggest age gap.
Simple, yeah? First up, we have showbiz royalty Eamonn and Ruth and actual royalty Will and Kate.
But who has the biggest gap? Holly's team.
That is really hard.
Yes, isn't it! I have to be honest, I am really losing interest in this game.
It is really boring.
Should we play don't show Keith your teeth? (CHEERING) OK, it is an oldy but goldy.
It is everybody's favourite, let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's play Don't Show Keep Your Teeth.
And the theme is singers.
Jonathan Ross.
Adele.
Adele.
Madonna.
Adele.
Britney Spears.
What did you say? Huh? Jonathan, shut up.
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears.
Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber.
(INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) Aretha Franklin.
Aretha Franklin! Aretha Franklin.
Don't show keep your teeth! PJ and Duncan.
PJ and Duncan.
The Beatles.
Bono.
Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson.
What? Michael Jackson! Hee-hee! Uh! Oh, poo! Sting.
What? Sting! (LAUGHS) (INDISTINCT) Take That! Take That! (GIGGLES) Take That! This could be the greatest day of our lives (ALL SING TUNE) Snoop Dogg.
Snoop Dogg.
Rihanna.
Rihanna.
Bob Marley.
Bob Marley.
Cher.
(BUZZ) Ed Sheeran.
Who? Ed Sheeran.
Very good.
Ed Sheeran.
The Sex Pistols.
What? The Sex Pistols.
The Rolling Stones.
Rolling Stones.
S Club 7.
S Club 7.
Oh, S Club 7 Juniors.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY) Hold on.
Uhhh.
Go West.
Go West.
Go fucking West! Prince.
Prince.
Ahhh! Daniel Bedingfield.
Daniel Bedingfield.
30p.
Natasha Bedingfield.
(LAUGHTER) Elton John.
Elton John.
Wham! Wham! Michael Jackson.
You said Michael Jackson! (BUZZ) When? I did, 'Hee-hee!' Ow! God, that feels good.
Janet Jackson.
The Ramones.
Who? The Ramones.
The Ramones.
(BUZZ) Las Ketchup.
Las Ketchup.
Kanye West.
Kanye West.
Jay Z.
Jay Z.
NWA.
NWA.
Dr Dre.
Dre Dre.
/ UhDr Dre's brother.
(BUZZ) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's a point to Gino's team! And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! Jonathan, have you ever heard of a game called Helicopter Head? No, I haven't.
Of course you haven't, because we have never done it before.
So let's play Helicopter Head.
Hello and welcome to Helicopter Head.
I am here with Jamie.
As you can see, you have got a stocking on your head with a tangerine in the end of it.
Mm-hmm.
This is simulating a helicopter head, when you're spinning it around.
Yeah? Yeah.
What you have got to do to win points for your team is knock off these posh items off the podiums or plinths.
If you knock over the pheasant, you will get two points and you will win tonight star prize, a car.
It is a Ford Sierra estate.
Look at that! (APPLAUSE) Have you ever done this game before? No.
Of course you haven't, we have never done it before.
When you hear the klaxon, you will commence helicoptering your head.
Am I timed? We are on telly, it will be an allotted time! How long is the time? It is allotted.
OK.
Have you ever been in a helicopter to school? No.
Then you are not that posh, are you? When you hear the klaxon, get helicopter heading.
Oh, my God.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) There it is! He is going for the welly for one point, look at the technique! That is the plinth! (CHEERING) Just get amongst them and I am sure you will get something.
Get momentum! I am trying to! Hold on! Go on, you have got it.
That is it.
That is it, here we go! (CHEERING) I am going to go for it.
He's going for the pheasant, two points and a car.
Two points and a car.
(CHEERING) (SIREN) Yeah! Yeah! Come on! Jamie Laing, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it is Kellie Bright.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here we are in the helicopter arena.
I am here with Kellie Bright.
How are you feeling? Great.
Good.
Whilst you have got the stockings on your head, can you do your best Danny Dyer impression? You fucking pair of (BLEEP).
(APPLAUSE) What you have got to do here is knock off the Strictly contestants.
Up there you have Ainsley Harriott for two points and the car! The Ford Sierra estate.
It is a great family car.
When you hear the klaxon, you will ago.
Are you ready? OK.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) There it is, go on! There she goes, she has got a good swing.
That is it.
There you go! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Go on! (CHEERING) She looks like she is raving.
She is raving.
(CHEERING) Look at the technique! (CHEERING) Look at that! (CHEERING) Go for the car! Ainsley Harriott! Oh, God.
(CHEERING) (SIREN) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You got one, two, three, four, five, six, two points - eight points and the Ford Sierra estate! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Kellie Bright in the house! (CHEERING) Next up, it is Jonathan Ross.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, you are watching ITV2, this is Celebrity Juice series 14, we are playing Helicopter Head.
I am here with Jonathan Ross.
Word to your mum, are you well? I am very well, I am very well.
I feel very alive.
You look very good.
I feel good.
We had a think about this, what we are going to put on the podiums or plinthseses.
You are renowned for enjoying Halloween.
Yes.
You collect toys.
Yes.
So then we had a Eureka moment and thought, woodland creatures.
You like woodland creatures, don't you? Not overly.
Don't you like woodland creatures? Not especially.
Just for the game, can you say Oh, woodland creatures, I love woodland creatures! You love woodland creatures! As you can see, we have got the most popular woodland creatures known to man on the plinthseses.
Up there we have an owl for two points and a car.
A Ford Sierra estate, it is a fantastic family car! (APPLAUSE) On the klaxon, you have an allotted time to knock as many woodland creatures off the plinthseses as you can.
Are you "weady"? Just make a noise, I am ready! (IMITATES HORN) (LAUGHTER) He has two! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Go for the car, the two points.
Two points and the car! (SIREN) Oh, I've got a sweaty arse.
Well, we seem to have lost Jonathan Ross.
Let's go to an ad break.
He's here! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! I have got a bit of a bead on.
You are a fast runner, Jonathan.
Not as fast as you though, I can't believe you got away from me! What we never saw before the break was your best bits.
Let's have a look at Jonathan's best bits.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I am not proud of that! Mr Ramsey, Mr Ramsey.
Hi! Aren't you doing a new telly show where you go time travelling or summat? Yeah.
It's called Time Crashers.
It's on Channel 4.
There is a picture of you there.
What happens then? Basically, we went back to six different periods and had to live as is.
Do you not go to the Jurassic period then at all? No, we didn't go that far back.
We went to Celtic times.
But all I learned was that the past was shit.
(LAUGHTER) You know when you see a horse? Normally when there is a family around a horse it'll get its knob out to embarrass everyone.
(LAUGHTER) Do you think back in the Jurassic period dinosaurs did the same thing and got their dicks out? Did dinosaurs have dicks? Of course they did! You never see them in Jurassic Park though, do you? That would have been even scarier in Jurassic Park when it is chasing the car if its knob was just flapping about! I have got pugs at home.
My pugs, not really like dinosaurs, and one of them gets erections all the time.
Really? Yeah, and what is alarming about it, it is white! White?! A white penis! Isn't it true - Pugs were used for something back in olden times Door stops! Footballs! Pugs were used to perform sexual acts on No! What the fuck is wrong with you?! They were, they were! You are right, the little dogs - The ladies used to put them under their big crinoline skirts and that is why they call those little dogs fanny lickers.
(LAUGHTER) What the hell are you talking about?! There's all to play for, it's the final round, it's the buzzer round! (APPLAUSE) OK, buzz in if you know the answer, or if you don't know the answer be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Gino, what is your buzzer this week? "This is the fucking buzzer!" That is your television husband Danny Dyer! Holly, what is your buzzer this week? "Wibbly wobbly, wobble, wibbly wobble, wobbly wobbly, wibbly wobbly, wobbly wobbly It's the buzzer.
Wobbly!" (LAUGHTER) OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
Who is this getting their boobies massaged? "Wibbly wobbly It's the buzzer, wobbly!" That's Holly.
That is Millie Mackintosh's breasticles.
Let's see if you are right.
That is correct, getting a massage from Professor Green's feet.
Why did Justin Bieber cry at the recent VMAs? "This is a buzzer.
Wobbly.
" Holly.
Because he finally realised he was Justin Bieber.
(LAUGHTER) That is not the answer I've got.
Because that thing was in his eye.
(KEITH LAUGHS) That's his monocle! He was crying because he got a standing ovation and he's used to being booed.
According to Pamela Anderson how did her dog die? "This is the fucking buzzer!" (LAUGHTER) Holly's team.
Can I ask what type of dog it was? What size of dog it is? It says here it was a fanny licker.
(LAUGHTER) Too much of a good thing! So it drowned! (LAUGHTER) The answer is she reckons it committed suicide because it didn't like her ex.
What?! Which Hollywood A-lister looks like he may have forgotten to give his cock a little shake after he went to the toilet? CHRIS: I beg your pardon?! There is a picture! Can I just say, that is not fair.
Men, you know the plight of this.
You can shake as many times as you want, that still happens! You can wring it out like a tube of toothpaste Wrap it round your hand And I think it's Ashton Kutcher.
You think it's Ashton Kutcher, let's have a look.
That's correct! (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round and that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team of this, the first episode, is Gino remember, we will be shaving your hair off if you don't win Holly.
And I will present Celebrity Juice.
(BABBLES) (LAUGHTER) Thanks, Holly.
What? It's Gino's team! (CHEERING) CHANTING: Gino, Gino! I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see you through the week I'll see you through the window! Let's dance! (CHEERING & APPLAUSE)
There is Holly Williboozy coming out of a giant clam.
Check out those bangers, boys.
There is Gino d'Acampo who is covering for Fearne while she is off having a baby.
How is that possible? We are all here in heaven but do not worry, we are not dead.
It is just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly? You know what it is, it is Celebrity Juice on telly.
HD ready.
Hi.
Yeah! Whoo-hoo! Ye-e-es! Yes! Hoora-a-a-ah! Welcome back to a brand-new series of Celebrity Juice.
Yes! I could not do it without our team captains so let's meet them, it is Holly Willoughboozy! Boozy? I would let you fart in my mouth.
I will take that as a yes.
I am so proud to work with you.
Oh, thanks.
You are the fittest woman on television.
Oh, please.
I am telling you, I have masturbated to you when you do This Morning.
Until I get a scar.
Stop, stop.
You know what? I enjoy you so much with Phillip Schofield that sometimes I think about him as well.
Who is on your team, Holly? On my team tonight, to my right is the legend that is Jonathan Ross.
And on my left, he is the naughty boy of Chelsea, it is Jamie Laing.
Jonathan Ross in the hizoose.
Looking very smart.
Thank you.
Thank you.
So are you.
Have you got a job interview after? What has happened to your flamboyancy? What do you mean, my flamboyancy? What are you talking about? You look quite sort of quite straight.
I tell you what, because when I come on the show, I think only one person should dress like a (BLEEP) on TV at any given time.
Let's meet our other team.
Filling in for Fearne Cotton while she is having a sprog, it is Gino Sheffield d'Acampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
So, when you have been a team capitan, as you put it, in the past, you always mash it up when you introduce your panellists.
Yes, because I do big introductions.
B'pa, b'pa, b'pa! (MOCKS ITALIAN ACCENT) Gino, who is on your team? On my, let me get up On my left He has got a card! He has got a card.
On my left is my favourite Geordie after Ant, Dec, Cheryl, Sarah Millican, Alan Shearer, Sting Oh, come on.
Jimmy Nail, who the fuck is Jimmy Nail? Anyway, it is Chris Ramsey.
And on my right, she is the landlady of the Queen Vic and now she is going to be the new star of Strictly Come Dancing.
It is Kellie Brook.
Oh, Kellie Bright.
Kellie Bright.
Kell In all seriousness, out of 10 episodes, I am going to win six.
Yes, I will.
No way.
Let's have a proper bet.
Let's have a proper bet.
Anything you want.
Are you growing your hair? Yes.
I bet you if you do not with more shows than Holly, I get to shave your hair off.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! Do you remember last series you lost every single week? If you win, I will let you host the first episode of the next series, which will be shambolic, but I will let you do it.
You have got a deal.
Yes? I will host the first show of the next series? font He cannot even say series.
Series.
You have got a deal.
Right off? Right.
And I will do the deal.
No shenanigans of you giving fucking 100 million points to the other team? Fair and square? Oh, man.
Can I just formally announce that this episode I am going to get everything wrong.
Everything, you little slaphead.
It is Kellie Bright, everyone.
So, you are doing Strictly now? I am.
Have you come straight from Strictly to here? I have come straight from Strictly to here.
Is it hard work? It is, yes.
And were you happy with Kevin as your dance partner? Yes.
So what did your husband, Malcolm Smith, say about him, then? Are you talking about my on-screen husband? Is he a bit jealous that you are working closely with someone else? Erm He might be a little bit.
No, he is very excited for me.
font color="#ffffff Yes.
I tell you what, I was once with Danny Dyer in a corridor and two girls said, can we have a picture with you? I said, yes.
And he joined in the picture.
And he went into the ear of one of the girls and went, look at you, you pair of sexy (BLEEP).
I would never say that sort of thing to a stranger.
He does not look like that.
He means as a term of affection when he says it.
He does.
He does.
He does.
It is just part of his language.
What are you doing He is dressing as Jamie's dad.
POSH VOICE: Hello.
Fuck that shit.
Hello, Jamie Laing, welcome.
Hello.
Does it help you feel more at home if I speak this way? I don't know why there is a cane.
Good day to you, sir.
It is like Boris Johnson has had a stroke, that is what this is.
Did you go to boarding school? I did go to boarding school.
Did you play soggy biscuit? This game, this game, do you know what this game is? I do not want even to know.
But Gino, do you ever play soggy biscuit in your kitchen? What is a soggy biscuit? A group of men masturbate onto a biscuit, apparently.
I don't know where this has happened.
They masturbate onto to cover the biscuit in the special sauce has to eat the biscuit.
Which biscuit is it? Which biscuit is it? What biscuit is it Now, Jamie, you recently hurt your ribs, didn't you? I did, I played in a rugby match and I got hit by a big guy.
Because I am little and he was big.
How are your ribs now? Apparently I cracked three of them at the back, yes.
I know, very brave.
But I played on for the rest of the match.
We have footage of the tackle.
COMMENTATOR: Ooh! JOHNATHAN ROSS: I think he ran into him.
Oh, look, are you in pain there? Are you in pain? Yes, I was in pain.
Yes, do not worry about it, do not worry about it.
Do you know what he did? As he ran over he said, we got you, you little fucker.
Hey, it is Jonathan Ross! How are you doing? Lovely to see you again.
You know that I am a big fan of you? I could not understand.
I am so sorry.
20 years ago, when I came into this country, I was sitting with my father so we were sitting watching the TV and you were on doing the review of the movies.
And you are doing other stuff as well.
And I remember very vividly Very what? Vividly.
Didderly.
Vividly is just outside Sicily.
And I remember vividly that my father said that the day you on a show with that man, for you, that will be the day that you have made it.
Aww! It is such a shame that it had to be this piece of shit, though, isn't it? Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
You look handsome.
You look really well, you have lost timber, haven't you? I have lost a bit of weight, that is right.
How are you losing timber, are you doing lots of training and stuff? I have been eating these biscuits that Jamie has been bringing round.
I cannot keep them down for long.
No, I have been on a diet.
My wife is on a diet, I am on a diet.
And we just do not eat any carbs.
It is really boring.
But you do not eat any pasta? I can't font color=" Have I eaten alabaster? You do not eat any pasta? No.
No because that is for Italians and poor people.
No, you know what, I miss pasta, it is one of the few things I do miss.
You will know a thing called ravioli.
Yes.
font colo Fuck off.
Ravioli.
Waveeoley.
Wibble, wobble, wibble, wobble.
I tell you what, I have always admired you.
But what I have always been impressed about is how you have overcome your difficulties.
Yes.
Now, I think it is pwetty impwessive so in honour of you, we have come up with a game called So, Jonathan, as you are King of the Lisps, I will let you go first.
As you can see, there are some people over there with the numbers in front of them with boxes.
What I want you to do is to pick a number and then tell me if you think that person has a lisp or does not have a list.
Do they say anything first? No, no, just by looking at them.
How can you tell by looking at them? Well, that is the game.
So, lisp or lisp? Jonathan Ross, choose a number.
Okay, I am going to go with number two because you look a bit, I will be honest, a bit shifty so I am hoping you will be, no, I am not, can I change my mind? Yes.
I will go with number o You look very lispy.
Number one.
Lisp or no lisp? No lisp.
What is your name and where do you come from? My name is James Brown and I am from Southend and I do not have a lisp.
Holly.
Yes? Choose a number.
I am going for number three.
/f You are saying number three has a lisp.
Number three.
Lisp! Good work.
Number three, what is your name and where do you come from? I am Ben Francis and I'm from London.
Whoo-hoo! Have you had it all of your life? Yes, but it comes and goes.
So when you are speaking quickly, that is when it is worse, I bet.
Yes.
Yes, the same as me with my thing.
font color="# If I concentrate on it, and also if I concentrate, I can last longer, but if I concentrate Say sausages.
Do not make him say sausages.
What kind of a fucking ginger (BLEEP) are you to make him say that? You have got a perfectly nice young man there who has got a lisp and you are saying, say sausages.
Jonathan, he is not dying.
He has just got a lisp.
Gino's team.
I am going to go, I cannot believe I'm playing this.
I can't believe how into it I am as well.
Two.
Two with no Lisp.
Let's have a look.
Lift your box.
Open your box.
What is your name and where do you come from? I am Georgie, I am from London and I have a lisp.
A sexy lis Right, say sausages.
You do not have to.
Sausages.
Say sexy sausages on a Sunday.
Just say fuck off, you ginger (BLEEP).
I cannot.
Well done to all of our players.
You have been watching Lisp or No Lisp.
And the scores at the end of that round are shi-ting! We are going to an ad break.
I will see you in three.
Coming up after the break That is it.
There you go.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) With Jonathan Ross, you are the boss.
Oh, no, you are not, I am the boss.
You are the boss, yes.
Let me ask you some questions.
Fire away.
You have got a new television show with Penn and Teller, yeah? It is called Fool Us.
We did it for ITV a few years ago and it did OK over here and then they showed it in America and it did really well.
Me and Holly have a magic trick.
What is it? What can you do? Really? I make something disappear and then I make it reappear, then I make it disappear, then I make it reappear.
And then I wipe it on a pillow afterwards.
Did they teach you some trickery? Yes, would you like me to do one? I would like you to.
OK.
OK, a regular pack of cards.
Choose any one.
OK, stop.
Stop there.
You want one of those three.
Don't show it to me.
Take it.
OK.
Show it to the other guys.
I am going to shut my eyes.
Show it to the audience as well.
Now put it back in the pack.
Just slip it in the top of the pack.
So I will put the pack there.
So, where is your card? It is in that pack.
Are you sure it is in that pack? Yes.
So if your card was to appear somewhere else now, it would be pretty impressive? It would freak me out.
Oh, my God.
Put your hand into my back pocket there.
Take as long as you want.
Yes! That is my card! (APPLAUSE) That is very good.
Shut the fuck up, Jamie! Jamie, shut up.
Jamie, shut up.
You! Is it a secret? If you want me to shit on that biscuit,/fon you will keep your mouth shut.
It is time to play Show Us Yer Gaps.
(APPLAUSE) I am going to show you some pictures of some well-known celebrity couples.
You have to tell me who has the biggest age gap.
Simple, yeah? First up, we have showbiz royalty Eamonn and Ruth and actual royalty Will and Kate.
But who has the biggest gap? Holly's team.
That is really hard.
Yes, isn't it! I have to be honest, I am really losing interest in this game.
It is really boring.
Should we play don't show Keith your teeth? (CHEERING) OK, it is an oldy but goldy.
It is everybody's favourite, let's play Don't Show Keith Your Teeth! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's play Don't Show Keep Your Teeth.
And the theme is singers.
Jonathan Ross.
Adele.
Adele.
Madonna.
Adele.
Britney Spears.
What did you say? Huh? Jonathan, shut up.
Britney Spears.
Britney Spears.
Justin Bieber.
Justin Bieber.
(INDISTINCT) (LAUGHTER) Aretha Franklin.
Aretha Franklin! Aretha Franklin.
Don't show keep your teeth! PJ and Duncan.
PJ and Duncan.
The Beatles.
Bono.
Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson.
What? Michael Jackson! Hee-hee! Uh! Oh, poo! Sting.
What? Sting! (LAUGHS) (INDISTINCT) Take That! Take That! (GIGGLES) Take That! This could be the greatest day of our lives (ALL SING TUNE) Snoop Dogg.
Snoop Dogg.
Rihanna.
Rihanna.
Bob Marley.
Bob Marley.
Cher.
(BUZZ) Ed Sheeran.
Who? Ed Sheeran.
Very good.
Ed Sheeran.
The Sex Pistols.
What? The Sex Pistols.
The Rolling Stones.
Rolling Stones.
S Club 7.
S Club 7.
Oh, S Club 7 Juniors.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (BOTH LAUGH HYSTERICALLY) Hold on.
Uhhh.
Go West.
Go West.
Go fucking West! Prince.
Prince.
Ahhh! Daniel Bedingfield.
Daniel Bedingfield.
30p.
Natasha Bedingfield.
(LAUGHTER) Elton John.
Elton John.
Wham! Wham! Michael Jackson.
You said Michael Jackson! (BUZZ) When? I did, 'Hee-hee!' Ow! God, that feels good.
Janet Jackson.
The Ramones.
Who? The Ramones.
The Ramones.
(BUZZ) Las Ketchup.
Las Ketchup.
Kanye West.
Kanye West.
Jay Z.
Jay Z.
NWA.
NWA.
Dr Dre.
Dre Dre.
/ UhDr Dre's brother.
(BUZZ) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) That's a point to Gino's team! And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! Jonathan, have you ever heard of a game called Helicopter Head? No, I haven't.
Of course you haven't, because we have never done it before.
So let's play Helicopter Head.
Hello and welcome to Helicopter Head.
I am here with Jamie.
As you can see, you have got a stocking on your head with a tangerine in the end of it.
Mm-hmm.
This is simulating a helicopter head, when you're spinning it around.
Yeah? Yeah.
What you have got to do to win points for your team is knock off these posh items off the podiums or plinths.
If you knock over the pheasant, you will get two points and you will win tonight star prize, a car.
It is a Ford Sierra estate.
Look at that! (APPLAUSE) Have you ever done this game before? No.
Of course you haven't, we have never done it before.
When you hear the klaxon, you will commence helicoptering your head.
Am I timed? We are on telly, it will be an allotted time! How long is the time? It is allotted.
OK.
Have you ever been in a helicopter to school? No.
Then you are not that posh, are you? When you hear the klaxon, get helicopter heading.
Oh, my God.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) There it is! He is going for the welly for one point, look at the technique! That is the plinth! (CHEERING) Just get amongst them and I am sure you will get something.
Get momentum! I am trying to! Hold on! Go on, you have got it.
That is it.
That is it, here we go! (CHEERING) I am going to go for it.
He's going for the pheasant, two points and a car.
Two points and a car.
(CHEERING) (SIREN) Yeah! Yeah! Come on! Jamie Laing, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Next up, it is Kellie Bright.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Here we are in the helicopter arena.
I am here with Kellie Bright.
How are you feeling? Great.
Good.
Whilst you have got the stockings on your head, can you do your best Danny Dyer impression? You fucking pair of (BLEEP).
(APPLAUSE) What you have got to do here is knock off the Strictly contestants.
Up there you have Ainsley Harriott for two points and the car! The Ford Sierra estate.
It is a great family car.
When you hear the klaxon, you will ago.
Are you ready? OK.
Three, two, one.
(KLAXON) There it is, go on! There she goes, she has got a good swing.
That is it.
There you go! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Go on! (CHEERING) She looks like she is raving.
She is raving.
(CHEERING) Look at the technique! (CHEERING) Look at that! (CHEERING) Go for the car! Ainsley Harriott! Oh, God.
(CHEERING) (SIREN) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) You got one, two, three, four, five, six, two points - eight points and the Ford Sierra estate! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Kellie Bright in the house! (CHEERING) Next up, it is Jonathan Ross.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hello, you are watching ITV2, this is Celebrity Juice series 14, we are playing Helicopter Head.
I am here with Jonathan Ross.
Word to your mum, are you well? I am very well, I am very well.
I feel very alive.
You look very good.
I feel good.
We had a think about this, what we are going to put on the podiums or plinthseses.
You are renowned for enjoying Halloween.
Yes.
You collect toys.
Yes.
So then we had a Eureka moment and thought, woodland creatures.
You like woodland creatures, don't you? Not overly.
Don't you like woodland creatures? Not especially.
Just for the game, can you say Oh, woodland creatures, I love woodland creatures! You love woodland creatures! As you can see, we have got the most popular woodland creatures known to man on the plinthseses.
Up there we have an owl for two points and a car.
A Ford Sierra estate, it is a fantastic family car! (APPLAUSE) On the klaxon, you have an allotted time to knock as many woodland creatures off the plinthseses as you can.
Are you "weady"? Just make a noise, I am ready! (IMITATES HORN) (LAUGHTER) He has two! (CHEERING) (CHEERING) Go for the car, the two points.
Two points and the car! (SIREN) Oh, I've got a sweaty arse.
Well, we seem to have lost Jonathan Ross.
Let's go to an ad break.
He's here! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Hello, welcome back to Celebrity Juice! I have got a bit of a bead on.
You are a fast runner, Jonathan.
Not as fast as you though, I can't believe you got away from me! What we never saw before the break was your best bits.
Let's have a look at Jonathan's best bits.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I am not proud of that! Mr Ramsey, Mr Ramsey.
Hi! Aren't you doing a new telly show where you go time travelling or summat? Yeah.
It's called Time Crashers.
It's on Channel 4.
There is a picture of you there.
What happens then? Basically, we went back to six different periods and had to live as is.
Do you not go to the Jurassic period then at all? No, we didn't go that far back.
We went to Celtic times.
But all I learned was that the past was shit.
(LAUGHTER) You know when you see a horse? Normally when there is a family around a horse it'll get its knob out to embarrass everyone.
(LAUGHTER) Do you think back in the Jurassic period dinosaurs did the same thing and got their dicks out? Did dinosaurs have dicks? Of course they did! You never see them in Jurassic Park though, do you? That would have been even scarier in Jurassic Park when it is chasing the car if its knob was just flapping about! I have got pugs at home.
My pugs, not really like dinosaurs, and one of them gets erections all the time.
Really? Yeah, and what is alarming about it, it is white! White?! A white penis! Isn't it true - Pugs were used for something back in olden times Door stops! Footballs! Pugs were used to perform sexual acts on No! What the fuck is wrong with you?! They were, they were! You are right, the little dogs - The ladies used to put them under their big crinoline skirts and that is why they call those little dogs fanny lickers.
(LAUGHTER) What the hell are you talking about?! There's all to play for, it's the final round, it's the buzzer round! (APPLAUSE) OK, buzz in if you know the answer, or if you don't know the answer be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Gino, what is your buzzer this week? "This is the fucking buzzer!" That is your television husband Danny Dyer! Holly, what is your buzzer this week? "Wibbly wobbly, wobble, wibbly wobble, wobbly wobbly, wibbly wobbly, wobbly wobbly It's the buzzer.
Wobbly!" (LAUGHTER) OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
Who is this getting their boobies massaged? "Wibbly wobbly It's the buzzer, wobbly!" That's Holly.
That is Millie Mackintosh's breasticles.
Let's see if you are right.
That is correct, getting a massage from Professor Green's feet.
Why did Justin Bieber cry at the recent VMAs? "This is a buzzer.
Wobbly.
" Holly.
Because he finally realised he was Justin Bieber.
(LAUGHTER) That is not the answer I've got.
Because that thing was in his eye.
(KEITH LAUGHS) That's his monocle! He was crying because he got a standing ovation and he's used to being booed.
According to Pamela Anderson how did her dog die? "This is the fucking buzzer!" (LAUGHTER) Holly's team.
Can I ask what type of dog it was? What size of dog it is? It says here it was a fanny licker.
(LAUGHTER) Too much of a good thing! So it drowned! (LAUGHTER) The answer is she reckons it committed suicide because it didn't like her ex.
What?! Which Hollywood A-lister looks like he may have forgotten to give his cock a little shake after he went to the toilet? CHRIS: I beg your pardon?! There is a picture! Can I just say, that is not fair.
Men, you know the plight of this.
You can shake as many times as you want, that still happens! You can wring it out like a tube of toothpaste Wrap it round your hand And I think it's Ashton Kutcher.
You think it's Ashton Kutcher, let's have a look.
That's correct! (KLAXON) That's the end of the buzzer round and that's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team of this, the first episode, is Gino remember, we will be shaving your hair off if you don't win Holly.
And I will present Celebrity Juice.
(BABBLES) (LAUGHTER) Thanks, Holly.
What? It's Gino's team! (CHEERING) CHANTING: Gino, Gino! I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see you through the week I'll see you through the window! Let's dance! (CHEERING & APPLAUSE)