Celebrity Juice (2008) s15e03 Episode Script
Caroline Flack, Paddy McGuinness, Shayne Ward, Charlotte Crosby
1 Hi.
I'm Keith Lemon.
These are my not-new titles.
Well, if it ain't broken! Here is Holly Willoughbooby and a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! Woo-hoo! Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo with a tiny willy, just like in real life.
We are all here in heaven but, don't worry, we are not dead, it's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
What's that show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
(APPLAUSE) Yeah! (CHEERING) Hurrah! HURRAH! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's Thursday! (CHEERING) Let's meet our team captains.
First up it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING) Hi.
# Yeah! Yeah! Dude looks like a lady! Yeah, yeah Dude looks like a lady (LAUGHTER) Thank you.
Fearne, who's on your team? Let's just get to that.
Let the Paddy see the juice.
It's Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING) And on my right I have Corrie bad boy Shayne Ward.
(CHEERING) OK, unfortunately, Holly has gone into rehab this week, because she is an alcoholic.
Filling in for Holly is no other than Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Gino, there is summat different about you.
Before you tell us, tell me who's on your team.
OK.
Which camera is he? Oh, Jesus Christ! The one with the big red light on, you knob! (LAUGHTER) On my left I have a lady that everybody wants to fuck.
(LAUGHTER) It's Caroline Flack.
Wow.
(CHEERING) It's true.
Is that it?! It's a compliment.
Thanks.
And on my right I have a lady that, most likely, everybody already font color="# (LAUGHTER, GROANING) It's Charlotte Crosby.
(CHEERING) (KEITH LAUGHS) I think it's time for me to go.
Gino! I can do whatever I want.
I'm the General.
The General? I thought it was the Capitan.
Well, no, the Capitan is so last year.
Really? From this year I'm going to be Il Generalissimo.
(CHEERING) (ITALIAN OPERA) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! I fucking love this show.
# He's got a dick like a sword He is Shayne Ward! (CHEERING) That's what it says here.
Shayne, what a year it's been for you.
It's been good.
You joined Corrie.
Yeah.
Was that last August? It was, yeah.
Then in January you won the National Television Award for Best Newcomer.
Congratulations.
(CHEERING) It's an incredible showbiz career.
You must be over t'moon.
I am over the moon, yeah.
When you started, did your agent suggest changing your name? No.
So people didn't confuse you with Shayne Ward who won the X Factor.
(LAUGHTER) Remember the guy who won X Factor, that Shayne Ward? It's the same guy.
Shut up! He's an actor in Corrie.
He sang This Is My Moment on X Factor.
No, That's My Goal.
That's Martine McCutcheon! Thanks anyway, G.
That's My Goal.
That's the one.
Before you was on Corrie, I got told you were a picture frame removal service guy for the gay community, with your twin brother.
That's quite specific.
I've got a picture of him working.
That is brilliant.
Were your underpants too big for you? He farted and they fell down.
What can I say? Shayne, you are known for being a bit of a ladies' man, aren't you? Am I? You've been linked to Michelle Mone.
There you go.
Ooh! You've described Rita Ora as one of your dream ladies.
OK.
And Kelly Brook.
What is it you look for in women? Erm I wonder! Do you like a nice pair of eyes? Yeah.
# She's back, she don't have a hairy sac or a hairy back! It's Caroline Flack! (CHEERING) Hello.
You had some big news recently, haven't you? Have I? Are you OK to talk about it? Right here? Yeah, yeah.
There's an elephant in the room, so let's discuss it.
OK.
You've dyed your hair.
Yeah.
She doesn't want to talk about X Factor.
As slick as fuck or what? Jeremy Paxman, eat my heart out.
(LAUGHTER) So you start series two of Love Island soon? Yeah.
We start that in May.
There you are, wearing the exact same clothes, almost.
(LAUGHTER) It's slightly different! If anyone hasn't seen Love Island, what happens in Love Island? Is there a love lift? No.
You've got that.
That's right.
(LAUGHTER) We tell all the contestants, all the islanders in the house, if they want to have sex, they have to have sex out of the covers, because then we can't show it.
They have sex in front of everyone? Yeah, in the same room.
And do you watch them? We will be sitting there, doing the script, and someone would go, "Quickly, go to Edit 6! Someone's having a wank!" We'd r But you can't show that, can you? No.
So it's like a sexy Big Brother.
Yeah, because they're all young andsingle and horny and looking for love, I suppose.
And not fame.
No.
No-one's looking for fame.
"I'm looking for love!" (LAUGHTER) Got a fucking fanny on her like a streak of bacon hanging out! Shove it up, lass! Oh, dear! Streak of bacon?! You know what it's like, Paddy, when it dangles out.
No.
I'll never eat a bacon sandwich again.
It is really rude, though.
Like Geordie Shore? It is a bit like Geordie Shore.
Charlotte's face said, "Is it really rude when we're all having sex and I'm pissing the fucking bed?" Geordie Shore isn't about that.
It's very, actually, interrectual.
You can't even say it! Charlotte Crosby! (CHEERING) You're looking slightly different.
The nose.
You've had your nose done? Yeah.
This is what you looked like last time you were on.
Is that a potato? We're using the potato as a representation.
Of course, you've got much better skin than a potato.
But, since then, you've had this removed and purchased a new schnoz.
(LAUGHTER) You do look good, though.
Thank you so much.
You look beauti You do look good, but don't go too far.
You can get addicted to it.
Let's say you removed your nose again and had maybe an even tinier nose, like that.
Then, if you keep going, you could end up looking like that.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Geordie Shore is back.
What's going on in Geordie Shore? Everything is going on.
(GEORDIE ACCENT) But what's going on? Well, what do you think? I don't know! That's why I've asked you! What about you and Gaz? That's a Ross and Rachel affair, isn't it? Will they, won't they? Will they, won't they? Give us an exclusive.
There you are.
I don't I think you're too good for him.
I used to cry, watching Geordie Shore, when they used to break up.
I used to wank.
I did.
I used to feel for you.
(TEARFULLY) I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, shit! Is that real? Word! Aw! Oh, dear.
Think of summat rude.
Gino shoving a fucking sprout up his arse! (LAUGHTER) It's OK, it's OK.
Ooh Breathe! Breathe! We're just having a bit of a bad time.
Don't worry, don't worry.
Give her a cuddle.
OK.
(Yes!) No, I don't need a cuddle! You do.
(APPLAUSE) How's my make-up? I feel like Jeremy Kyle! "Don't tell him, tell her!" # Hey, it's Paddy McGuinness! # Paddy McGuinness, he don't drink Guinness He drinks lager! (CHEERING) Thank you.
Thank you.
Word! How's it going? Can we have a massive round of applause for this man? He's just been nominated for a BAFTA.
Well-deserved.
Ah (CHEERING) It doesn't matter how many compliments you give me tonight, I still will show you a clip of you being battered by a little boy.
(LAUGHTER) How did I know you were going to do that? You were on Sport Relief and you were wrestling Harry Judd from McFly.
Yeah.
.
.
from McFly, shifts forward, tries to shoot forward He's doing well.
Ooh, look at Harry Judd's face.
"Fuck you!" Oh, oh, oh! Oh, no! He's over! Oh, oh, oh! Jesus Christ, it's like The Lion King! Harry Judd wins.
Look at Paddy's face.
Look at his face.
Look at Harry Judd loving it.
He's loving the moment.
"Are you all right, Paddy? I meant every fucking grapple, you bastard!" He's a fit lad, though.
Yeah, really fit.
You were very sportsmanlike, because you shrugged it off, being beaten up by an 18-year-old.
Yes, go on.
I think we've got that moment.
Illegal shot! I were talking to the ref.
He rushed me!/font If that's how you want to win, sunshine, I'll see you on the next one.
Whoa! (APPLAUSE) Little factoid.
I kicked t'fuck out of him in t'showers after.
(LAUGHTER) Shayne, you won X Factor back in 2005.
The winning song was That's My Goal.
Yes.
But what was your goal? (LAUGHTER) In all honesty? Yes.
To be on this show.
No, that was your aim.
That was my aim.
What was your goal? I guess, just to be travelling around the world.
I spent a lot of time in Asia.
No, that was your aspirations.
(LAUGHTER) Erm It was to one day be in Coronation Street.
No, that was your dream.
What was your goal, Shayne? My goal? Erm Scored a goal.
That was your goal.
Do you like sausages? I do.
Then let's play # That's my # That's My Hole! (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to That's My Hole.
I am here with Shayne Ward.
You said you liked sausages.
I do.
What we are going to do here is reveal a sausage and then you will be requested to shove a sausage in one of your holes.
This will be indicated by Fearne Cotton's buzzing.
We will see a graphic on screen.
She will buzz in.
Hopefully, you will avoid the bum hole.
Capish? If you get "nostril", you might want to phone a friend.
We'll get more than a sausage up your nose.
Let's reveal the first sausage.
Let's do it.
It's a cocktail sausage.
Fearne, use your buzzer and buzz in.
Let's see which hole he'll have to shove that sausage in.
We've got the right ear, the left ear Ooh, right ear.
Shove it in the right ear.
Keep it in.
You've got to keep it in.
He's really twisting it.
He's getting it in.
Am I allowed to squash it in my ear? Yeah, squash it in.
AUDIENCE: Urgh! Let's have a look.
# That's my goal # Let's see what the next sausage is.
It's a Frankfurter.
Which hole will you have to put it in? Fearne Cotton, buzz in.
Let's hope you don't get the bum hole.
What is it, what is it? The right nostril.
I think I'll easily do it.
AUDIENCE: Oh! (APPLAUSE) # That's my goal # Ah, it is Shayne Ward from X Factor! Now I recognise you! Ready for the next one? I think so.
Try and keep it in.
Are they getting bigger? It's a chipolata.
But where will you be shoving it? Don't laugh.
You don't want it to come out.
Buzz in, Fearne.
Where is it going to be? The left nostril.
Chipolata.
Be careful, it's a bit sharper than a Frankfurter.
We know the Frankfurter has soft cushioning.
The chipolata's a bit more coarse.
Ooh! Don't laugh.
# That's my goal # (APPLAUSE) You got the cocktail sausage, the Frankfurter, the chipolata in three different holes.
Let's reveal what the next sausage is.
Wow.
It's half a stick of salami.
Ooh, which hole? Fearne, buzz in.
It's the left ear.
You are doing well.
We haven't reached the bum hole.
I don't think that's going to stay in.
You've got all the # That's my goal # (APPLAUSE) Oh, that's hard, that.
Do you feel like you've got an ear infection? What? Do you feel like you've got an infection? What? Let's release the next one.
It's a Cumberland sausage.
That's going to be difficult.
Fearne, buzz in.
Which hole will Shayne have to stick it in? What is it? The mouth! The mouth! Lucky.
Mouth.
Can you get it in? All of it? Just hold it in.
# That's my goal # Here is the last sausage.
Let's hope you can avoid the bum hole.
(LAUGHTER) It's a large chorizo.
Oh, it's the bum hole! Shayne, what do you want to do? Do you want to play and take home a point or do you want to bow out? What?! He's playing! (CHEERING) I like the squashed-up one.
That's not the bum hole! Can you It's disappeared! It's right down! Can you see it? # That's my goal # Shayne Ward! (APPLAUSE) That was his hole for what was his goal.
Was that your goal? That was my goal.
Shayne Ward, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are Shating! (CHEERING) We are going to an ad break.
We will see you in three.
Coming up after t'break - (LAUGHTER) Hurrah! Are you having a good time? Yes! Are you having a good time? Yes! Are you having a good time? (CHEERING) It is time for our next round, which is The Five Second Fool.
Hey, welcome to the Shut up.
Heh.
Hey, welcome to Five Second Fool.
Basically I will ask you one question, you'll give me three answers.
You've got five seconds to answer.
You get a point for each one.
I'm quite nervous.
When you are sat over there it is like bohemas How do you say it again? Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bohemian Rhapsody video, don't you? Oh, I do! # I see a little boy with a little man Scaramouche, Scaramouche Are you ready, Fearne? Ooh, I think so.
OK, here is the first question.
Three things you can cut.
Um, cloth, paper, grass.
Very good.
That felt good.
Three things you find in bed.
A person, pyjamas, a condom.
You also could have hadme.
(LAUGHTER) No.
Three things that are dusty.
A mantelpiece, ornaments I don't know.
A wig! A wig.
Can we have a dusty wig? Yeah, you can have dusty wig.
You also could have had your minge.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) I'm exhausted.
Fearne Cotton, everyone! Oh, thanks.
(APPLAUSE) Next up to play is Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! Welcome to Five Second Fool.
Are you ready? Three things you rub.
Sorry? Three things you rub.
My knee, my boobs, my foot.
(LAUGHTER) My foot.
The knee because I put cream on my knee every night.
Three things you could do with a monkey.
With a monkey?! Shag the monkey, play with the monkey, and feed the monkey.
(APPLAUSE) Wow.
Some people can shag the monkeys.
I never do it but I watched a movie.
You watched a movie? Yeah! I apologise for the animal-lovers out there that do have a monkey.
Erwe don't condone having sex with monkeys or the watching of films where monkeys are having sex.
Three things you insert.
Oh, toothbrush in your mouth, finger in your nose, vibrator up your arse.
(APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (CHEERING) Next up it's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING) Hi.
Welcome to Five Second Fool.
I'm here with Patrick McGuinness.
Hello.
All right, are you ready? Three things you get from a sheep.
Wool, milk (LAUGHTER) Eyelashes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You could have said "a ride".
Of course.
Fun to ride! Oh, yes, we've all been there.
Three things you can squirt.
Oh, don't! Cheers! A water pistol and a pump.
Pump? A bike pump.
Have you ever been squirted by a pump? When you get water in it and you squirt it.
Do you squirt bike pumps? Three things you can screw.
A screw.
Oh, fuck off! I'm out! No, no! And the scores at the end of that round areshating! (CHEERING) Charlotte Crosby, do you know who Professor Stephen Hawkings is? I actually do.
Who is he? He is the man who has to press the buttons to speak.
Correct! Let's play (APPLAUSE) Hello.
Here I am in Stephen Hawkings' laboratory, or an effigy of.
We're gonna do some science experiments.
I tell you what.
Oops.
There's the phone.
(PHONE RINGS) (LAUGHTER) Hello? Fearne, it's Stephen Hawkings.
Tell him, hi.
I am going to put him on speakerphone.
Steve, what's the first experiment you want to conduct? "Can you hang up a picture using a dildo?" Can you hang up a picture using a dildo? Would you like us to try that, then? "Paddy McGuinness.
" Paddy McGuinness! He wants Paddy McGuinness to try it.
(APPLAUSE) Come on in! Paddy McGuinness, come on in! (CHEERING) Oh, God.
This is for science, right? Right.
font col Stephen Hawkings wants you to erect a picture on the wall using a dildo.
Of course he does.
(LAUGHTER) Yes, yes.
You think you can do it with a dildo? I'll give it a whirl.
I tell you what, let's have a look at the dildos.
Ah.
Hey.
"Let the sex see the toy.
" (CHEERING) That's a catchphrase! Come on! What have we got? Here we are in the specialist case that carries the dildos.
Very James Bond-esque.
Oh, what's that?! Let's go through them.
Here we have What is that?! Here we have the emu.
This is the emu.
No.
Wow.
Here we have the rocket pen.
Petite.
Here we have the Jedward.
OK, Paddy, here's a nail.
(GROANS) That's a normal nail.
Right.
I'm going to give you a normal picture.
Yeah.
It's none other than Shayne Ward.
(LAUGHTER) Leaning against an old boat, firing pipes from his penis.
Shayne, what's that picture? I don't know.
First of all, why don't we try the emu? Oh.
Are you ready? Are we going on the klaxon? (KLAXON) There you go.
See if you can get it up.
Let's see if I can get my nail on first.
He is getting his nail on first.
He's put up a picture before.
Give me Have the purple one.
(LAUGHTER) It's not Try the Jedward.
Oh, fuck off! Don't bang your hands.
Don't bang your hands.
Give me the little pink one.
Oh, there you go! Put the picture up.
Is it going in? That's in.
That's going nowhere.
(KLAXON) Oh! I'm afraid you haven't won a point and the experiment was unsuccessful.
Thank you.
All the best.
Paddy McGuinness, everyone! (CHEERING) Thank you.
Steve, what's the next experiment? "Can you tie shoelaces whilst a Japanese businessman is tickling you?" Fair dos.
Who's gonna be conducting the experiment? "Charlotte Crosby.
" Charlotte Crosby! (CHEERING) Come on in! Come on in! (CHEERING) Have you ever tried to tie someone's shoelaces before, being tickled by a Japanese businessman? Sometimes I struggle to tie my own.
Well, I went down the High Street of Borehamwood and tracked down a Japanese businessman.
His name is EG, as in "example".
Please welcome EG! Come on in! (APPLAUSE) EG! If you were going to come through there, we were going to have some music for your entry.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE) What's Japanese for "tickle"? Anyone? We are all well-travelled here.
EG, what you've got to do is tickle Ha-ha-ha! Tickle Charlotte while she's trying to tie my shoelaces.
Hai! Boobs - no, no.
Why does he have one eye closed? It's like he drunk some strong orange juice.
Tickle.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Ha.
Yes, tickle.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) Are you having fun? Things can be fun! Are you there? I just need to get this one through.
(LAUGHTER) EG, just tickling, just tickling.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING) That's it, that's it, that's it.
Well, Charlotte, I can see you managed to tie one shoelace.
Stephen, does that count? Have we proved to be successful in this experiment? "Yes, that counts.
" Yes! Charlotte Crosby, everyone! EG! (APPLAUSE) EG.
Off you go, through here.
Over here.
(LAUGHTER) We are going to an ad break! See you in a bit! (CHEERING) Coming up after t'break - (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Paddy McGuinness.
Yes.
We all know recently you had a wrestling match with Harry Judd from McFly and it didn't go as well as what you thought it might have gone, in't it? Yes? Yes.
Do you want a chance to redeem yourself? Oh, dear God, yes.
Then let's play Let's Get Rippy To Wrestle! First up, please welcome the Italian Shetland pony, Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (OPERA) (AUDIENCE CHANTING "GINO! GINO!") Taking him on, it's none other than the Bolton Bastard, Paddy McGuinness! # JOE ESPOSTO: You're The Best Around Take this up.
I'm done with it.
Hello.
People think that wrestling is tough, but what actually is tough - stop looking at it, that's over - is actually taking off your tracksuit to reveal your wrestling attire.
What I want you to do in this round is to not take it off but rip it off with your bare hands.
The person to rip off their clothes first will be the winner.
At the moment, I can tell you that the scores are equal.
What is he doing? The scores are equal.
What are you doing? What are you doing? My balls, they go like this, not like that.
Wow.
Wow.
Three points are on offer.
You can't take it over your head, you have to rip the clothes off.
Oh, shit.
Do you think Paddy can take on Gino? (CHEERING) Yeah, come on.
Or do you think Gino will win? (CHEERING AND JEERING) I don't think so.
You don't think so? No, because I've got small hands and they are not very used to ripping things off.
You've never ripped your clothes off in the bedroom, like "I'm ready for it now, take the salami.
"? That is stereotype picking.
How do you say? (LAUGHS) Right, on the klaxon, rip off your clothes.
Right.
(KLAXON) There it is.
Oh, there he goes.
Ripped off.
Gino hasn't even got his vest off, which is American for bodywarmer.
Look at Guinness go.
Yes.
It's like the Incredible Hulk from Bolton.
Rip it, Paddy! Come on, Gino! Go from the seam! Paddy is ripping his off.
His team are coming to help him.
Fearne and Shayne are coming in.
Rip it off! Rip it! Rip it! (SHOUTING) They are not off.
They are not off.
Come on, rip! Paddy's catching up.
(CHEERING) We're done! (AUDIENCE CHANTING "PADDY! PADDY!") Yes! # You're the best around # Nothing's ever gonna keep you down # There is the victorious Patrick McGuinness.
(CHEERING) What's down there? No way.
Hey, all right.
Er, Gino Here, stick that in your ear.
I can now tell you the winner of this week's Celebrity Juice is Well, it was neck and neck but, obviously, Patrick McGuinness just stole that round, so the winning team is Fearne Cotton's team.
(CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, see you through a window.
All the best.
# PAUL SIMON: You Can Call Me Al
I'm Keith Lemon.
These are my not-new titles.
Well, if it ain't broken! Here is Holly Willoughbooby and a giant clam.
She's still got them bangers! Woo-hoo! Fearne Cotton, who's back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of modern science.
There's Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo with a tiny willy, just like in real life.
We are all here in heaven but, don't worry, we are not dead, it's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
What's that show on telly? It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
(APPLAUSE) Yeah! (CHEERING) Hurrah! HURRAH! Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's Thursday! (CHEERING) Let's meet our team captains.
First up it's Fearne Cotton.
(CHEERING) Hi.
# Yeah! Yeah! Dude looks like a lady! Yeah, yeah Dude looks like a lady (LAUGHTER) Thank you.
Fearne, who's on your team? Let's just get to that.
Let the Paddy see the juice.
It's Paddy McGuinness.
(CHEERING) And on my right I have Corrie bad boy Shayne Ward.
(CHEERING) OK, unfortunately, Holly has gone into rehab this week, because she is an alcoholic.
Filling in for Holly is no other than Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Gino, there is summat different about you.
Before you tell us, tell me who's on your team.
OK.
Which camera is he? Oh, Jesus Christ! The one with the big red light on, you knob! (LAUGHTER) On my left I have a lady that everybody wants to fuck.
(LAUGHTER) It's Caroline Flack.
Wow.
(CHEERING) It's true.
Is that it?! It's a compliment.
Thanks.
And on my right I have a lady that, most likely, everybody already font color="# (LAUGHTER, GROANING) It's Charlotte Crosby.
(CHEERING) (KEITH LAUGHS) I think it's time for me to go.
Gino! I can do whatever I want.
I'm the General.
The General? I thought it was the Capitan.
Well, no, the Capitan is so last year.
Really? From this year I'm going to be Il Generalissimo.
(CHEERING) (ITALIAN OPERA) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! I fucking love this show.
# He's got a dick like a sword He is Shayne Ward! (CHEERING) That's what it says here.
Shayne, what a year it's been for you.
It's been good.
You joined Corrie.
Yeah.
Was that last August? It was, yeah.
Then in January you won the National Television Award for Best Newcomer.
Congratulations.
(CHEERING) It's an incredible showbiz career.
You must be over t'moon.
I am over the moon, yeah.
When you started, did your agent suggest changing your name? No.
So people didn't confuse you with Shayne Ward who won the X Factor.
(LAUGHTER) Remember the guy who won X Factor, that Shayne Ward? It's the same guy.
Shut up! He's an actor in Corrie.
He sang This Is My Moment on X Factor.
No, That's My Goal.
That's Martine McCutcheon! Thanks anyway, G.
That's My Goal.
That's the one.
Before you was on Corrie, I got told you were a picture frame removal service guy for the gay community, with your twin brother.
That's quite specific.
I've got a picture of him working.
That is brilliant.
Were your underpants too big for you? He farted and they fell down.
What can I say? Shayne, you are known for being a bit of a ladies' man, aren't you? Am I? You've been linked to Michelle Mone.
There you go.
Ooh! You've described Rita Ora as one of your dream ladies.
OK.
And Kelly Brook.
What is it you look for in women? Erm I wonder! Do you like a nice pair of eyes? Yeah.
# She's back, she don't have a hairy sac or a hairy back! It's Caroline Flack! (CHEERING) Hello.
You had some big news recently, haven't you? Have I? Are you OK to talk about it? Right here? Yeah, yeah.
There's an elephant in the room, so let's discuss it.
OK.
You've dyed your hair.
Yeah.
She doesn't want to talk about X Factor.
As slick as fuck or what? Jeremy Paxman, eat my heart out.
(LAUGHTER) So you start series two of Love Island soon? Yeah.
We start that in May.
There you are, wearing the exact same clothes, almost.
(LAUGHTER) It's slightly different! If anyone hasn't seen Love Island, what happens in Love Island? Is there a love lift? No.
You've got that.
That's right.
(LAUGHTER) We tell all the contestants, all the islanders in the house, if they want to have sex, they have to have sex out of the covers, because then we can't show it.
They have sex in front of everyone? Yeah, in the same room.
And do you watch them? We will be sitting there, doing the script, and someone would go, "Quickly, go to Edit 6! Someone's having a wank!" We'd r But you can't show that, can you? No.
So it's like a sexy Big Brother.
Yeah, because they're all young andsingle and horny and looking for love, I suppose.
And not fame.
No.
No-one's looking for fame.
"I'm looking for love!" (LAUGHTER) Got a fucking fanny on her like a streak of bacon hanging out! Shove it up, lass! Oh, dear! Streak of bacon?! You know what it's like, Paddy, when it dangles out.
No.
I'll never eat a bacon sandwich again.
It is really rude, though.
Like Geordie Shore? It is a bit like Geordie Shore.
Charlotte's face said, "Is it really rude when we're all having sex and I'm pissing the fucking bed?" Geordie Shore isn't about that.
It's very, actually, interrectual.
You can't even say it! Charlotte Crosby! (CHEERING) You're looking slightly different.
The nose.
You've had your nose done? Yeah.
This is what you looked like last time you were on.
Is that a potato? We're using the potato as a representation.
Of course, you've got much better skin than a potato.
But, since then, you've had this removed and purchased a new schnoz.
(LAUGHTER) You do look good, though.
Thank you so much.
You look beauti You do look good, but don't go too far.
You can get addicted to it.
Let's say you removed your nose again and had maybe an even tinier nose, like that.
Then, if you keep going, you could end up looking like that.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Geordie Shore is back.
What's going on in Geordie Shore? Everything is going on.
(GEORDIE ACCENT) But what's going on? Well, what do you think? I don't know! That's why I've asked you! What about you and Gaz? That's a Ross and Rachel affair, isn't it? Will they, won't they? Will they, won't they? Give us an exclusive.
There you are.
I don't I think you're too good for him.
I used to cry, watching Geordie Shore, when they used to break up.
I used to wank.
I did.
I used to feel for you.
(TEARFULLY) I don't want to talk about it.
Oh, shit! Is that real? Word! Aw! Oh, dear.
Think of summat rude.
Gino shoving a fucking sprout up his arse! (LAUGHTER) It's OK, it's OK.
Ooh Breathe! Breathe! We're just having a bit of a bad time.
Don't worry, don't worry.
Give her a cuddle.
OK.
(Yes!) No, I don't need a cuddle! You do.
(APPLAUSE) How's my make-up? I feel like Jeremy Kyle! "Don't tell him, tell her!" # Hey, it's Paddy McGuinness! # Paddy McGuinness, he don't drink Guinness He drinks lager! (CHEERING) Thank you.
Thank you.
Word! How's it going? Can we have a massive round of applause for this man? He's just been nominated for a BAFTA.
Well-deserved.
Ah (CHEERING) It doesn't matter how many compliments you give me tonight, I still will show you a clip of you being battered by a little boy.
(LAUGHTER) How did I know you were going to do that? You were on Sport Relief and you were wrestling Harry Judd from McFly.
Yeah.
.
.
from McFly, shifts forward, tries to shoot forward He's doing well.
Ooh, look at Harry Judd's face.
"Fuck you!" Oh, oh, oh! Oh, no! He's over! Oh, oh, oh! Jesus Christ, it's like The Lion King! Harry Judd wins.
Look at Paddy's face.
Look at his face.
Look at Harry Judd loving it.
He's loving the moment.
"Are you all right, Paddy? I meant every fucking grapple, you bastard!" He's a fit lad, though.
Yeah, really fit.
You were very sportsmanlike, because you shrugged it off, being beaten up by an 18-year-old.
Yes, go on.
I think we've got that moment.
Illegal shot! I were talking to the ref.
He rushed me!/font If that's how you want to win, sunshine, I'll see you on the next one.
Whoa! (APPLAUSE) Little factoid.
I kicked t'fuck out of him in t'showers after.
(LAUGHTER) Shayne, you won X Factor back in 2005.
The winning song was That's My Goal.
Yes.
But what was your goal? (LAUGHTER) In all honesty? Yes.
To be on this show.
No, that was your aim.
That was my aim.
What was your goal? I guess, just to be travelling around the world.
I spent a lot of time in Asia.
No, that was your aspirations.
(LAUGHTER) Erm It was to one day be in Coronation Street.
No, that was your dream.
What was your goal, Shayne? My goal? Erm Scored a goal.
That was your goal.
Do you like sausages? I do.
Then let's play # That's my # That's My Hole! (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome to That's My Hole.
I am here with Shayne Ward.
You said you liked sausages.
I do.
What we are going to do here is reveal a sausage and then you will be requested to shove a sausage in one of your holes.
This will be indicated by Fearne Cotton's buzzing.
We will see a graphic on screen.
She will buzz in.
Hopefully, you will avoid the bum hole.
Capish? If you get "nostril", you might want to phone a friend.
We'll get more than a sausage up your nose.
Let's reveal the first sausage.
Let's do it.
It's a cocktail sausage.
Fearne, use your buzzer and buzz in.
Let's see which hole he'll have to shove that sausage in.
We've got the right ear, the left ear Ooh, right ear.
Shove it in the right ear.
Keep it in.
You've got to keep it in.
He's really twisting it.
He's getting it in.
Am I allowed to squash it in my ear? Yeah, squash it in.
AUDIENCE: Urgh! Let's have a look.
# That's my goal # Let's see what the next sausage is.
It's a Frankfurter.
Which hole will you have to put it in? Fearne Cotton, buzz in.
Let's hope you don't get the bum hole.
What is it, what is it? The right nostril.
I think I'll easily do it.
AUDIENCE: Oh! (APPLAUSE) # That's my goal # Ah, it is Shayne Ward from X Factor! Now I recognise you! Ready for the next one? I think so.
Try and keep it in.
Are they getting bigger? It's a chipolata.
But where will you be shoving it? Don't laugh.
You don't want it to come out.
Buzz in, Fearne.
Where is it going to be? The left nostril.
Chipolata.
Be careful, it's a bit sharper than a Frankfurter.
We know the Frankfurter has soft cushioning.
The chipolata's a bit more coarse.
Ooh! Don't laugh.
# That's my goal # (APPLAUSE) You got the cocktail sausage, the Frankfurter, the chipolata in three different holes.
Let's reveal what the next sausage is.
Wow.
It's half a stick of salami.
Ooh, which hole? Fearne, buzz in.
It's the left ear.
You are doing well.
We haven't reached the bum hole.
I don't think that's going to stay in.
You've got all the # That's my goal # (APPLAUSE) Oh, that's hard, that.
Do you feel like you've got an ear infection? What? Do you feel like you've got an infection? What? Let's release the next one.
It's a Cumberland sausage.
That's going to be difficult.
Fearne, buzz in.
Which hole will Shayne have to stick it in? What is it? The mouth! The mouth! Lucky.
Mouth.
Can you get it in? All of it? Just hold it in.
# That's my goal # Here is the last sausage.
Let's hope you can avoid the bum hole.
(LAUGHTER) It's a large chorizo.
Oh, it's the bum hole! Shayne, what do you want to do? Do you want to play and take home a point or do you want to bow out? What?! He's playing! (CHEERING) I like the squashed-up one.
That's not the bum hole! Can you It's disappeared! It's right down! Can you see it? # That's my goal # Shayne Ward! (APPLAUSE) That was his hole for what was his goal.
Was that your goal? That was my goal.
Shayne Ward, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And the scores at the end of that round are Shating! (CHEERING) We are going to an ad break.
We will see you in three.
Coming up after t'break - (LAUGHTER) Hurrah! Are you having a good time? Yes! Are you having a good time? Yes! Are you having a good time? (CHEERING) It is time for our next round, which is The Five Second Fool.
Hey, welcome to the Shut up.
Heh.
Hey, welcome to Five Second Fool.
Basically I will ask you one question, you'll give me three answers.
You've got five seconds to answer.
You get a point for each one.
I'm quite nervous.
When you are sat over there it is like bohemas How do you say it again? Bohemian Rhapsody.
Bohemian Rhapsody video, don't you? Oh, I do! # I see a little boy with a little man Scaramouche, Scaramouche Are you ready, Fearne? Ooh, I think so.
OK, here is the first question.
Three things you can cut.
Um, cloth, paper, grass.
Very good.
That felt good.
Three things you find in bed.
A person, pyjamas, a condom.
You also could have hadme.
(LAUGHTER) No.
Three things that are dusty.
A mantelpiece, ornaments I don't know.
A wig! A wig.
Can we have a dusty wig? Yeah, you can have dusty wig.
You also could have had your minge.
(LAUGHTER) (KLAXON) I'm exhausted.
Fearne Cotton, everyone! Oh, thanks.
(APPLAUSE) Next up to play is Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! Welcome to Five Second Fool.
Are you ready? Three things you rub.
Sorry? Three things you rub.
My knee, my boobs, my foot.
(LAUGHTER) My foot.
The knee because I put cream on my knee every night.
Three things you could do with a monkey.
With a monkey?! Shag the monkey, play with the monkey, and feed the monkey.
(APPLAUSE) Wow.
Some people can shag the monkeys.
I never do it but I watched a movie.
You watched a movie? Yeah! I apologise for the animal-lovers out there that do have a monkey.
Erwe don't condone having sex with monkeys or the watching of films where monkeys are having sex.
Three things you insert.
Oh, toothbrush in your mouth, finger in your nose, vibrator up your arse.
(APPLAUSE) (KLAXON) Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (CHEERING) Next up it's Paddy McGuinness! (CHEERING) Hi.
Welcome to Five Second Fool.
I'm here with Patrick McGuinness.
Hello.
All right, are you ready? Three things you get from a sheep.
Wool, milk (LAUGHTER) Eyelashes.
I don't know.
I don't know.
You could have said "a ride".
Of course.
Fun to ride! Oh, yes, we've all been there.
Three things you can squirt.
Oh, don't! Cheers! A water pistol and a pump.
Pump? A bike pump.
Have you ever been squirted by a pump? When you get water in it and you squirt it.
Do you squirt bike pumps? Three things you can screw.
A screw.
Oh, fuck off! I'm out! No, no! And the scores at the end of that round areshating! (CHEERING) Charlotte Crosby, do you know who Professor Stephen Hawkings is? I actually do.
Who is he? He is the man who has to press the buttons to speak.
Correct! Let's play (APPLAUSE) Hello.
Here I am in Stephen Hawkings' laboratory, or an effigy of.
We're gonna do some science experiments.
I tell you what.
Oops.
There's the phone.
(PHONE RINGS) (LAUGHTER) Hello? Fearne, it's Stephen Hawkings.
Tell him, hi.
I am going to put him on speakerphone.
Steve, what's the first experiment you want to conduct? "Can you hang up a picture using a dildo?" Can you hang up a picture using a dildo? Would you like us to try that, then? "Paddy McGuinness.
" Paddy McGuinness! He wants Paddy McGuinness to try it.
(APPLAUSE) Come on in! Paddy McGuinness, come on in! (CHEERING) Oh, God.
This is for science, right? Right.
font col Stephen Hawkings wants you to erect a picture on the wall using a dildo.
Of course he does.
(LAUGHTER) Yes, yes.
You think you can do it with a dildo? I'll give it a whirl.
I tell you what, let's have a look at the dildos.
Ah.
Hey.
"Let the sex see the toy.
" (CHEERING) That's a catchphrase! Come on! What have we got? Here we are in the specialist case that carries the dildos.
Very James Bond-esque.
Oh, what's that?! Let's go through them.
Here we have What is that?! Here we have the emu.
This is the emu.
No.
Wow.
Here we have the rocket pen.
Petite.
Here we have the Jedward.
OK, Paddy, here's a nail.
(GROANS) That's a normal nail.
Right.
I'm going to give you a normal picture.
Yeah.
It's none other than Shayne Ward.
(LAUGHTER) Leaning against an old boat, firing pipes from his penis.
Shayne, what's that picture? I don't know.
First of all, why don't we try the emu? Oh.
Are you ready? Are we going on the klaxon? (KLAXON) There you go.
See if you can get it up.
Let's see if I can get my nail on first.
He is getting his nail on first.
He's put up a picture before.
Give me Have the purple one.
(LAUGHTER) It's not Try the Jedward.
Oh, fuck off! Don't bang your hands.
Don't bang your hands.
Give me the little pink one.
Oh, there you go! Put the picture up.
Is it going in? That's in.
That's going nowhere.
(KLAXON) Oh! I'm afraid you haven't won a point and the experiment was unsuccessful.
Thank you.
All the best.
Paddy McGuinness, everyone! (CHEERING) Thank you.
Steve, what's the next experiment? "Can you tie shoelaces whilst a Japanese businessman is tickling you?" Fair dos.
Who's gonna be conducting the experiment? "Charlotte Crosby.
" Charlotte Crosby! (CHEERING) Come on in! Come on in! (CHEERING) Have you ever tried to tie someone's shoelaces before, being tickled by a Japanese businessman? Sometimes I struggle to tie my own.
Well, I went down the High Street of Borehamwood and tracked down a Japanese businessman.
His name is EG, as in "example".
Please welcome EG! Come on in! (APPLAUSE) EG! If you were going to come through there, we were going to have some music for your entry.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE) What's Japanese for "tickle"? Anyone? We are all well-travelled here.
EG, what you've got to do is tickle Ha-ha-ha! Tickle Charlotte while she's trying to tie my shoelaces.
Hai! Boobs - no, no.
Why does he have one eye closed? It's like he drunk some strong orange juice.
Tickle.
Ha-ha.
Ha-ha.
Ha.
Yes, tickle.
(KLAXON) (LAUGHTER) Are you having fun? Things can be fun! Are you there? I just need to get this one through.
(LAUGHTER) EG, just tickling, just tickling.
(KLAXON) (CHEERING) That's it, that's it, that's it.
Well, Charlotte, I can see you managed to tie one shoelace.
Stephen, does that count? Have we proved to be successful in this experiment? "Yes, that counts.
" Yes! Charlotte Crosby, everyone! EG! (APPLAUSE) EG.
Off you go, through here.
Over here.
(LAUGHTER) We are going to an ad break! See you in a bit! (CHEERING) Coming up after t'break - (APPLAUSE) Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! (CHEERING) Paddy McGuinness.
Yes.
We all know recently you had a wrestling match with Harry Judd from McFly and it didn't go as well as what you thought it might have gone, in't it? Yes? Yes.
Do you want a chance to redeem yourself? Oh, dear God, yes.
Then let's play Let's Get Rippy To Wrestle! First up, please welcome the Italian Shetland pony, Gino "Sheffield" D'Acampo! (OPERA) (AUDIENCE CHANTING "GINO! GINO!") Taking him on, it's none other than the Bolton Bastard, Paddy McGuinness! # JOE ESPOSTO: You're The Best Around Take this up.
I'm done with it.
Hello.
People think that wrestling is tough, but what actually is tough - stop looking at it, that's over - is actually taking off your tracksuit to reveal your wrestling attire.
What I want you to do in this round is to not take it off but rip it off with your bare hands.
The person to rip off their clothes first will be the winner.
At the moment, I can tell you that the scores are equal.
What is he doing? The scores are equal.
What are you doing? What are you doing? My balls, they go like this, not like that.
Wow.
Wow.
Three points are on offer.
You can't take it over your head, you have to rip the clothes off.
Oh, shit.
Do you think Paddy can take on Gino? (CHEERING) Yeah, come on.
Or do you think Gino will win? (CHEERING AND JEERING) I don't think so.
You don't think so? No, because I've got small hands and they are not very used to ripping things off.
You've never ripped your clothes off in the bedroom, like "I'm ready for it now, take the salami.
"? That is stereotype picking.
How do you say? (LAUGHS) Right, on the klaxon, rip off your clothes.
Right.
(KLAXON) There it is.
Oh, there he goes.
Ripped off.
Gino hasn't even got his vest off, which is American for bodywarmer.
Look at Guinness go.
Yes.
It's like the Incredible Hulk from Bolton.
Rip it, Paddy! Come on, Gino! Go from the seam! Paddy is ripping his off.
His team are coming to help him.
Fearne and Shayne are coming in.
Rip it off! Rip it! Rip it! (SHOUTING) They are not off.
They are not off.
Come on, rip! Paddy's catching up.
(CHEERING) We're done! (AUDIENCE CHANTING "PADDY! PADDY!") Yes! # You're the best around # Nothing's ever gonna keep you down # There is the victorious Patrick McGuinness.
(CHEERING) What's down there? No way.
Hey, all right.
Er, Gino Here, stick that in your ear.
I can now tell you the winner of this week's Celebrity Juice is Well, it was neck and neck but, obviously, Patrick McGuinness just stole that round, so the winning team is Fearne Cotton's team.
(CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through t'week, see you through a window.
All the best.
# PAUL SIMON: You Can Call Me Al