Celebrity Juice (2008) s16e02 Episode Script

Tulisa Contostavlos, Fay Ripley, Martin Kemp

I'm Keith Lemon, and these are my not-new titles.
We will change them next series! There is Holly Willough-booby coming out of a giant clam.
Woo-hoo.
There is Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me, but secretly wants my babies.
And there is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo, with a tiny willy.
We are all here in heaven, but don't worry, we are not dead.
It's just an overelaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We are still here to make the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K ready.
What the fuck is 4K? Yes! Hoorah! Welcome to Celebrity Juice! Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it is Holly Willough-boozy! Hi.
How are you feeling in this heat? It is quite hot in here.
I saw you yesterday on This Morning, you had a pleather skirt on.
I honestly thought, you must be wetter than a pan of hot dogs in brine.
Like a papier-mache You don't exist yet! We have not introduced you! I couldn't resist.
We need a surprise! It hasn't happened yet! You have ruined it.
This bit, obviously, can just be chopped out.
You're not on yet! We don't know you're a team captain! Have I said, "Let's meet Fearne Cotton"? No! It could be anyone.
Sorry.
This is just for you lovely people.
In our dressing room, they put a little basket, it is lovely, little grapes, little popcorn, mascara sometimes.
A protein bar.
All that jazz.
This week, some vagina wipes.
We did have vagina wipes.
Can I share something? You don't exist yet! Shut up! You might have ace hair, but you don't exist yet! I didn't get vagina wipes.
No, it is good.
You have got a clean vagina.
It smells like a car boot sale in here! Holly, who's on your team? On my right.
He's back, we missed him last week, it's Gino.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! And on my left, she is the queen of Cold Feet, it's Fay Ripley! Let's meet our other team captain.
She is often seen miserable as sin, but tonight, I hope she's going to be happy She's smiling.
It's Fearne Cotton! Fearne, who is on your team? I have got the gorgeous Tulisa.
And also, the Spandau Ballet Silver Fox Martin Kemp! # SPANDAU BALLET: Gold.
You look like a lion.
I am Martin Kemp out of Spandau Ballet.
I look more like Tina Turner, don't I? (DOES TINA TURNER IMPRESSION) # Steamy windows You had interesting hair back in the day.
It was very close, what you had on.
Now you look like casual Phillip Schofield.
If you walked into the Spandau Ballet dressing room in those days, there was so much hairspray in that dressing room, it was making your mouth stick together.
You couldn't talk.
We have got a picture of you back in the day.
Look at that.
There you look like you are saying, "Fuck off!" Look at that one.
Where did the name come from? Spandau Ballet? It came from That is a real question.
We did not have a name for the band, and my mate had just come back from Berlin, and he had seen it written on a toilet wall, Spandau Ballet.
So to be honest with you, it belonged to somebody else, and we nicked it.
It could have been like, "Gemma was 'ere", couldn't it? Or glory hole.
(LAUGHTER) It is the talented Mrs Ripley.
It's Fay Ripley! So, the return of Cold Feet.
Yeah, we're back.
After 13 years.
That is a big gap.
Yes, it is.
We have got a picture of you back in the day.
Oh, God.
There you are.
Here you are now.
I tell you what, you have all aged pretty well.
You look quite similar.
I think you actually all look better.
I don't want to point fingers, but some people in that picture have got more hair than they used to have in the past.
It can't be John Thomson, cos I've seen his shoulders.
Look at his shoulders in the old picture.
They're like my bollocks.
As well as being a brilliant actress, you do cook.
I do.
You have got several books.
Why you never show my cookbook?! Seven, eight series, I've done, you never show my cookbook! This lady comes in, with Cold Feet and you fucking show the cookbook.
How many cookbooks have you done? Three.
Gino, how many have you done? 14.
How can you possibly have 14 books telling you how to make pasta and doughballs? I don't only make pasta.
(AS GINO) Yes, you do, like your mama used to make.
Would you do a curry? No! See?! Gino, what do you think of celebrities that are not chefs that have cookbooks out? Because Fay has got one.
Fearne had a cookbook out.
But we are not saying we are chefs.
We just like cooking.
It's different.
It's dictating at people going, "if you put this in here, that will be right good for you.
Don't use fucking sugar, though!" They are just sharing family recipes.
Exactly.
That have been in the family for generations.
Why, have you got a cookbook? No, I would like to.
Are you having a cookbook coming out? I would love to.
I love to cook.
What do you like to munch down on? (LAUGHTER) Hey, it's the female boss, it's Tulisa! Tulisa, you are looking good.
Am I? Where the fuck have you been?! Hibernating.
How come every time I see you in the press, you're on a jet ski.
I have got a picture of you.
There you are in a jet ski.
Let's have a look at another picture.
"I'm in the press, on the Daily Mail website, I'm on a jet ski.
" "I fucking love these jetskis!" Look, Tulisa is down the shops, on her jet ski! There she is on a skiing trip.
"I won't go on skis, I'll use my jet ski.
" Up the pyramids.
She loves a jet ski.
I was on the same holiday once as Tulisa.
I came down one morning and thought, I will have a little go in the pool, everyone was doing fitness and stuff.
And I was in the pool with my jet ski? Yes, you was! Look at this! That is brilliant.
Martin, you are back with Spandau Ballet.
No! OK No, we toured last year.
That's it! It is still being back together.
We toured last year, but my band is very on and off.
We are best friends when we are on tour, and then we get to the bit where you pick up the suitcase at the airport and we all fall out.
You fall out of each other's Not the suitcase! We don't fall out of the suitcase.
But you perform the same songs.
Do you ever think of changing it and going, "Tonight, I'm going to do it in the style of an animal"? That is a really good idea.
It is a good idea.
So, let's play: Hello.
Welcome to Cow That's What I Call Mooosic.
I'm going to ask our panellists to come up here and sing us a song in the style of an animal.
Their team members will have to guess what the song is and what the animal is.
For a point for their team.
First to partake in this wonderful game is none other than Martin Kemp.
What have I got to do? Welcome.
That's what you've got to sing.
And that's the animal that you will sing it in the style.
OK.
This is your big chance.
All right.
I am ready.
This is the last chance for you, I guess.
Last chance.
It will be the last thing I ever do, I know that.
Cue the music.
(CLUCKS) Fearne's team The audience loved it.
It has been a wonderful journey.
Let's see if Fearne's team can guess the song and the animal.
The song I'm not sure about.
The animal.
Was it a chicken with itchy armpits? It was a chicken.
It was a chicken.
Holly's team, what do you think it is? Gino got this quite early on.
(SINGS) Gold! Don't you want to come back into my home? Or something like that.
# SPANDAU BALLET: Gold It was Gold.
So, half a point for you, and half a point for you.
Martin Kemp, everyone! Next up, it's Tulisa.
That's your song.
And that's your animal.
Are you feeling confident? We will see what happens.
It has been an amazing journey so far.
Cue the music.
(HOWLS) (LAUGHS) (HOWLS) (LAUGHS) I heard it.
I bet you felt every noise.
It was an amazing performance.
You put everything you could into it.
But it was shite.
(LAUGHTER) Terrible stuff.
We are going to say wolf.
And we are going to say I heard it.
I don't normally hear them.
My Heart Will Go On.
Celine Dion.
Aww I'm going to throw it to Holly's team.
The audience are vexed.
Was it All By Myself? That is half a point for Holly's team.
And half a point for Fearne's team.
Tulisa, everyone! It's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Why has the cow got two willies.
It's the udders.
It's where you get the juice from.
Udders? Which others? Why does it say Fearne? Oh, for Come here.
It says Fearne on the card.
I know it says Fearne on the card, but I had to fucking swap it for Tulisa cos she was shit.
Now you've got Fearne, and I have to move it all the way down.
Why make it awkward? It's your first show back.
I will phone Brexit.
I will phone them.
I swear.
I've got the number on speed dial! I'm not complaining.
You are.
You are being a bit awkward.
You have let out the secret.
They don't know that I've got Fearne on here.
OK (APPLAUSE) Oh, yeah.
As that animal.
Are you feeling confident? No.
What is that animal? Oh, fuck off.
What's that animal? Seg-ool What the fuck is a seg-ool? It's a seagull.
We will have to change it now, won't we? Let's do another animal.
You are a (BLEEP).
(APPLAUSE) And for that, you are now And you're singing that.
Good luck.
Cue the music.
It's impossible! Come on, Gino! It doesn't make any noises, that animal.
If you think about it.
Just think about it for a second.
The animal makes no noise.
Do what noise you imagine them to have if they did have a noise.
So stupid! (SILENCE) (BARKS) (LAUGHTER) Fucking Nemo! (APPLAUSE) You can't tell them.
It's impossible! Right Holly's team? Well, the song was Valerie.
Yes! You were a fish.
Singing Valerie, yes.
Very good.
That was very good.
Gino D'Acampo (APPLAUSE) Next, it is a group, it is Fearne and Holly.
Who would you say is the strongest in the group? Fearne.
Definitely.
Holly.
She is much more musically minded If we decide that one is stronger than the other, do you think you'll split? Yeah, Holly can go.
It will be Holly.
Right.
Step up.
Cue the music.
(WHISPERS) OK.
Ready.
(GRUNTS) I like it.
It's nice.
Fearne, don't suck her up.
(LAUGHTER) Shall we do this? Shall we do the bit that everybody knows? She will suck up now.
Fay will probably know.
A pig? Yes.
What's the song? I have absolutely no idea.
Right, get in your positions again.
It's a big clue.
The Titanic song! AUDIENCE: No! Martin and Tulisa? Bohemian Rhapsody! Yes! Holly and Fearne, everyone! And the scores at the end of that round are: We are going to an advertisment break now.
See you in three minutes.
Coming up after t'break Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
(CHEERING) Tulisa, if this was like Loose Women, you would probably be on here and talk about the time when you had your lips done.
How was your experience? Your lips look nice to me.
I am happy with them.
Yeah, you've got nice lips.
I mean, I've had my moments.
But now I'd like to think I'm all right.
You look tick now.
Thanks, babe.
Have you had them done? Not them.
Have you, Holly? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) They are Tulisa's lips.
But let's play Mega Lips.
Welcome to Nettle, the exclusive celebrity restaurant where celebrities come that have had their lips done.
As you can see, the celebrities are all here having romantic meals.
They have had their lips done.
You look fantastic.
What you have got to do is eat the dish in front of you.
It is a relay sort of game.
You start with the Bloody Mary, then you eat the main course.
But only once Martin and Gino have finished their courses.
Then you will go back to the dessert.
The winning team will be the team that finishes first.
It's as simple as peas.
You will go on the klaxon.
(KLAXON) There it is! Main course, main course.
Tulisa shoved it right in.
Fay's just gobbling it up.
There she goes.
One more piece.
One more piece.
He's on the dessert.
Chowing it right down.
Chowing it right down.
(KLAXON) He's finished! Let's have a look at Holly's team.
That's the sexiest I've ever seen you.
And the scores at the end of that round are Fay, in honour of your show, in homage to the title of your show You're gonna love this game.
It's entitled # Footloose Hi.
Welcome to Old Feet.
This is my shoe shop, Shoe-sual Suspects.
(LAUGHTER) As you can see, Fay is working here hoping to get a job here.
She will get a job here if she is successful in the challenge I am going to give her.
What you have got to do is give me the ID of the feet.
Is it old feet, or a young foot? If you are successful, you will get a point for your team.
But more importantly, you will get a six-month contract here every Saturday.
(LAUGHTER) It sounds easy, but it's not as easy, because you will be blindfolded.
And you will have to use your hands as eyes.
I will do it if you then lick my fingers after.
I will lick anything that's attached to you.
OK.
We've got ourselves a deal.
Come sit down here.
OK.
Pop on your blindfold.
Yes.
I think I can hear a customer coming now.
Oh, yes.
There is a customer coming.
You can't see anything, can you? No.
(SHOP BELL) Shh.
Don't speak.
Are you looking for some shoes? Don't speak.
OK.
Are we there? Fay, I'm going to ask you to take the shoe off yourself.
This will give you a clue as to whether it is old feet or young feet.
I'm scared! What is that?! Take the shoe off? Yes.
font color=" Take the sock off to get really involved.
I'd say there is some water retention.
I will take the sock off.
OK.
Get involved.
I don't want to! OK.
I'm going to sayold feet.
Do you want to lock it in? Lock it in.
Old feet.
Let's lock it in.
Take off your blindfold.
Take off my blindfold.
You are right, it's old feet! Sorry.
You have very dainty feet.
(APPLAUSE) She had a nice foot.
I thought you were really good.
And if you do want a job here on Saturday, I'll employ you.
As long as you suck my willy.
(LAUGHTER) We had a deal.
(APPLAUSE) Fay Ripley, everyone! OK.
Next up, it's Fearne Cotton.
Fearne, have you worked in a shoe shop before? (LAUGHS) Wow.
No, I haven't actually.
Hey, I hear a customer.
Oh, God.
Put your blindfold on, and let's see if you can guess if it is old feet And I will lick your hands afterwards.
You don't have to do that.
Oh, wow.
It is terrifying.
Are you looking for a summer shoe? Don't speak.
Just nod.
I am going to give you a clue, Fearne.
It's not Heather Mills.
(LAUGHTER) Is it old feet or young feet? It is quite a big shoe, isn't it? I'm just going to do this.
Oh, it's moving.
It's a moving foot.
(LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE GROAN) Why are you making that noise?! (LAUGHTER) Get a good grip.
Get in between those toes.
OK.
There are a few hairs.
Get your hands in.
(LAUGHTER) Is it old feet or young feet? Young.
Young? Do you want to lock it in? That is your final answer? Final answer.
Let's lock it in! You said young feet.
Lift your blindfold up.
It was old feet! Oh, hello.
(APPLAUSE) Cheers.
Oh, he's gonna have a go on her, isn't he? (LAUGHTER) The glint in her eyes.
Next up it's Tulisa.
You must have worked in a shoe shop before you were a singer? Hairdressers.
Do you like shoes? I do like shoes.
Are you a shoe-aholic? I'm a trainer-holic.
Do you know how many trainers you got? Err I'm not bothered.
No.
You ready? Here is a customer.
If you want to get your mouth involved, you can.
It is up to you.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Get involved.
First of all you have to take the shoe off.
It is a male foot.
It is a male foot! I want to see what type of shoe it is to see what kind of person.
It is a boot.
Don't judge me.
(LAUGHTER) I want to win this.
Are you wearing stockings? It is a pop sock.
Right, come here.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Listen, all that bollocks, you can't scare me with it.
Tulisa ain't bothered.
She's the female boss.
In between the toes! (LAUGHTER) Old feet or young feet? They are young feet.
Are you locking it in? Yes, locking it in.
Let's lock it in.
Locked it in.
Let's reveal.
Take of your blindfold, Tulisa.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Tulisa and Wagner, everyone! (APPLAUSE) Next up is Gino D'Acampo.
What a shit game.
Fucking touching people's feet.
The girls sterilising their hands.
Don't worry.
With you, we'll up the ante.
(LAUGHTER) I don't care if you've ever worked in a shoe shop.
I couldn't give a shit.
We are now upping the ante.
So get them on and just play it! Are you ready? What does it mean - Blah, blah, blah.
Right, I think I can hear a customer.
(APPLAUSE) Put your leg up.
Gino, I want you to tell me, is this old feet or young feet? Big foot.
Take the sock off.
(AUDIENCE RECOILS IN HORROR) (LAUGHTER) Gino, this is where we up the ante.
I'm going to give you double points if you don't use your hand, you use your face.
Are you serious? I'm serious.
Double points.
It's the first day back for you.
You want to do really well, don't you? Yes.
Imagine, the first day back and your team wins.
Get involved with your face.
Up the ante.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) (LAUGHTER) Fucking hell, it smells like pecorino cheese.
(LAUGHTER) Do you think you need to use your mouth? No way.
This is a man's foot.
Triple points.
The feeling of mouth on toe.
AUDIENCE CHANT: Gino! Gino! Gino! I'm going to go for an old man.
An old man.
Are we locking it in? Yes.
We are locking it in.
We say old man.
Let's reveal.
Take your blindfold off.
You bastard.
And the scores at the end of that round are We are going to an ad break.
We will see you in three! Coming up after the break I'm telling you, you look wicked, but let's zoom in.
She's got a verruca! Hello and welcome back to Celebrity Juice! Before we commence, I just want to congratulate you now for earning triple points because you used your mouth.
Triple points.
Good.
Well done.
Tulisa, what have you been doing? I've been in the studio.
You've got a new single? I do.
I think I've got it here.
Here it is.
There it is there.
Where did you shoot the cover? That is a screenshot from the video, which was shot in Ibiza.
You look wicked.
I just want to zoom in on the foot.
She has got a verruca! There was no verruca on my foot! Why have you not had someone photoshop your verruca out?! I can't believe you found that.
Where is my record label? How have you left that in there? I would suggest you take these verruca socks Don't worry.
I wear them when I go swimming.
It looks like I have got problems.
But I haven't got any problems.
I haven't got any verrucas.
But it keeps me real.
Well, it's all to play for in the final round, the buzzer round.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer, be a chancer, and buzz in anyway.
Holly, what is your buzzer this week? BUZZER: Oh, my feet are cold! They're fucking freezing! Cold Feet.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: (MUMBLING) Gold, gold! Always believe (LAUGHTER) I think that was the demo there for Gold.
OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
What did Mel B do this week to Bear Grylls? (BUZZER) He got stung by a jellyfish, and he had just been to the loo so she had to pee on his hand.
That is correct.
To get rid of the sting.
What is Olly Murs doing in this picture? He is holding a pineapple.
I will give you that.
He is actually fucking a pineapple.
There you go.
According to Martin Kemp, which of these is the best way to sit on a sofa? (BUZZER) Me and Tulisa think bottom left.
Casual, relaxed, laid-back.
Martin, what is the answer? It is casual, relaxed.
Bottom left.
That is correct.
Who is Tulisa kissing here? (BUZZER) Shit.
Another blurry night, Tulisa.
Come on.
No, it's not.
It's going to be an ex-boyfriend, or a fan.
Are you on a jet ski there? Kissing on a jet ski.
Dappy! Do you know if you are on a jet ski, for an extra point? No, I'm not on a jet ski.
Let's have a look.
It was a camel! Very close! (KLAXON) And at the end of that round, at the end of this week's Celebrity Juice, I can tell you that the winning team is Well, I can tell you, Tulisa, you have never won on Celebrity Juice, but tonight, you haven't won either, it's Holly's team! I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week, I will see you through the window.
Let's dance.
# Gold Ta-ra!