Celebrity Juice (2008) s16e09 Episode Script

Jimmy Carr, Louis Walsh, Megan McKenna, Pete Wicks

I'm Keith Lemon and these are me nut new titles.
Still got them bangers, boys! There's Fearne Cotton.
And Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
Don't worry, we're not dead.
We're here to make the best show on telly.
(CHEERING) (GIGGLES) Hoorah! Let's meet our team captains.
First, it's Holly Willough-boozy! (CHEERING) Holly, who is on your team? On my right is the man who has his own chance.
It's Gi-no! (CHANTING) GINO! GINO! GINO! GINO! And on my left, is everyone's favourite TV judge, it's the one and only Louis Walsh! Love Louis Walsh.
He is the biggest gossip in showbiz.
No, I'm not.
"Keith, no, I know him.
I know him! He doesn't make any money.
I know them.
He's a (BLEEP)! He's a (BLEEP)!" Next up, it's Fearne Cotton! Fearne, how are you? I'm really good, thanks very much.
Have you got your pyjamas on? I have, yes.
A crochet pyjama.
My girls are in tonight.
Is that so you can hide your willy if you get a bonk on? Yes.
Keep it classy.
Can I.
.
It is too early to ask a question?/ Jimmy, you can't ask anything.
You don't exist yet! You are not on telly.
We don't know you're on the show tonight! OK, fine.
Fearne, who is on your team? On my team is the one I hope it's me, I hope it's me.
(APPLAUSE) It's his lucky night.
It's Jimmy Carr.
Yeah! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) And on my right I have TOWIE love birds Pete Wicks and Megan McKenna! (CHEERING) I like your hat, my dear.
Thanks, babes.
You got the memo, didn't you? What's the message? What are you projecting with your hat? It's only been five minutes, don't confuse it.
What are you projecting with your hat? I don't know, I feel like the hat makes me feel bit more, like, sexy.
Does it not? You'd look sexy with a fucking bin liner on your head.
Thanks, Keith.
Slow down, Keith, for fuck's sake.
I'm giving your girlfriend a compliment.
Ex-girlfriend.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Currently.
Currently.
Tonight's going to be spicy! In the words of Eamonn Holmes, (AS EAMONN) "What's your situation?" We are not, like, erm, like, official.
What does that mean? We are working on it.
It's complicated Are you? No, that's the bit we're working on.
Is he still in the doghouse or have you let him back in through t'back door? (JIMMY LAUGHS) Definitely not in the back door.
Not in the back door? No.
Oh, well, there's time.
He's been let in a little bit.
You are not making this any better, are you? How did you feel when you got the script for TOWIE and they said that you break up? Well, she can't read, so it weren't a problem.
He's horrible about you! He's a wanker! font color He's only a wanker cos you're not fucking him currently.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.
What was the problem? I was a wanker, basically.
Pete's a prick, basically.
What happened? I sent text messages I shouldn't have sent to someone.
Righ Did you not delete? (APPLAUSE) Basically, I found the messages on his phone Turns out she can read! Pete, do you know how many tattoos you've got? I've had some new ones funnily enough.
What's your new one I've had an M for Megan this week.
Oh! And the date of our first-ever date.
Are you gonna put the date of the last one as well? You are known as a bit of a heartthrob, aren't you? We've got a picture of you showing the facts.
Look at you there.
AUDIENCE: Oooh! Was that for your calendar? Yes, it is.
You don't know this, but Louis was also a heartthrob back in his day.
Look at this.
He used to be a heartthrob.
We've got more, Louis.
Look at this.
No! "I don't know.
I don't know.
" We have got a laid-back version of Louis.
Just relaxing.
"I've got these boots on.
I don't how they work, but they do.
" He looks like Louis Walsh, sounds like Louis Walsh, it's Louis Walsh! (APPLAUSE) Welcome back once again to Celebrity Juice.
It's lovely to have you here.
Thank you, Keith.
On the last series of X Factor, you said you were done with the show.
What changed your mind? Did you watch it last year when it was terrible? I watched t I really did.
It wasn't the show I was on.
You have to have chemistry on the show, as you know.
You have been on the show.
With Simon, Sharon, Nicole and me, we have great fun.
And you are back after a year off.
I was actually sacked.
You were sacked? I thought you were on a gap year.
They just don't renew your contract.
I swear you said you were on a gap year and were going on holiday with Eamonn Holmes.
We've got a photograph of you.
"Give me that ganj and that bong, boys!" Everyone is asking you about Honey G.
She is having the time of her life.
It's lovely, isn't it? Not everyone loves her, but that's fine.
Is it a character, though? No, honestly.
I have admiration for someone who can stay in character that long.
In homage to Honey G, we have got this outfit here.
If you put this on, Louis, and do an impression of Honey G, I will give you a point for your team.
Come on.
Come here.
Do it on the star.
Let's go X Factor.
Holly's got to help me.
How's that, Honey? Let her do/ This looks cool.
Look at me, look at me.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Honey G! (APPLAUSE) Honey G! Let's drop a beat.
Drop a beat.
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING ALONG) # When I say Honey, you say # G! # Honey # G # Honey # G/fon # Honey # G # (LAUGHTER) Honey G, everyone! (CHEERING) I should have known.
It was more, sort of, Ozzy Osbourne, though.
It was so good, we're gonna give you two points.
Oh, two points.
Well done.
(MIMICS JIMMY CARR'S LAUGH) It's Jimmy Carr! Oh, it's me.
Oh.
What's the tour called that you're doing now? I think it's The Best of Ultimate Greatest Hits.
So you haven't written anything and you're saying all the old stuff 100%.
It's the hits tour.
Great (!) Boring, boring, boring.
Love the money.
Say a few jokes, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (LAUGHTER) Gino, you were on Jonathan Ross at the weekend, weren't you? Yes.
And did you mention Celebrity Juice? Yes, we have mentioned Celebrity Juice.
Did you mention Celebrity Juice? Yes, I have mentioned Celebrity Juice.
I was watching it.
Did you mention Celebrity Juice? I mention Cele The fact If they put it in or not during the show, it's not in my power.
Remember you're not a team captain, you are disposable, Gino.
So that's I didn't say that.
How did you get on Jonathan Ross, anyway? I was promoting my tour for next year.
Did someone drop out of the show, so they got you? Your tour! What tour? I'm going on tour, live Do you mean you've got a chip van? (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) What are you doing? What's the show? The show is cooking, I cook live.
So there is a theatre Yeah.
.
.
and they say, "Oh, ladies and gentlemen, Gino D'Acampo.
" I come out.
Hi, hi, hi.
Right.
And I say, "Tonight, we gonna cook this, we gonna cook that.
" I get people from the seats to cook with me.
Has anyone here seen Gino live on one of his shows? (LAUGHTER) Peoplecome out for the evening, they watch you cook dinne and they don't get to have any, and then they go home? Yeah.
(LAUGHTER) And that's I'm sorry but I normally wouldn't do this, but please come and see me live, because it's better than that.
(LAUGHTER) And it just sounds terrible.
I'll tell you what, a few weeks ago, we played my brand-new, totally original idea called Master & Miss - Oh, youyou can't play that.
Why? Why? Because last time we played this, Phil got really cross about it, because it's basically Mr & Mrs.
This is called Master & Miss.
Same as his show.
And what's the worst case scenario here? Phillip Schofield kicks off.
What's he gonna do? Exactly.
/ So let's play Hello and welcome to my brand-new original concept entitled Master & Miss.
This is a show where two people get to prove their love.
How well do they know each other? I think it might say 'loyalty' on the back of his neck.
/f It actually does.
Is that a new tattoo? It does.
(APPLAUSE) Just Come on! The difference between Mr & Mrs and Master & Miss is that there's two presenters on this show.
Ah! So I gonna ask someone to help me.
My guest presenter tonight is Jimmy Carr.
I can't believe my luck.
(CHEERING) A totally original idea.
Yeah.
Take that, Schofield.
Keith, Phil is gonna go mental! Eh? Phil is gonna be at home going mental.
Why? You're his fuck buddy, can't you just, you know, sweet talk him? We're gonna take it in turns asking them questions.
Jimmy, you're first.
Sure.
On average, how many minutes does it take Pete to climax?/f (LAUGHTER) And this This is let's say how many times does it take to climax with you? (APPLAUSE) Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Have you written down an answer? Megan? One minute.
One minute? Oh, my God! Oh, my God! No.
It happens to a lot of guys.
That happens to a lot of guys.
You told me you weren't gonna tell anyone.
Did you put her finger in your bum? Sometimes that can do it.
What have you got? I don't know.
What have you written? Go I'm guessing.
Ten minutes.
Ten font color="#00fff Is it not? What have you put? Welcome to fantasyland.
Well, I've gone fantasyland, I've put 40 minutes, me.
Ten minutes? She'd be walking like a sailor.
Next question.
If Megan could pick one celebrity to join them in a threesome, who would she choose? Oh, my God, I'm so up for this.
I don't know.
I know.
Write down your answer.
You should know this, Pete.
Who is, like, the only person I talk about? Eryourself? (AUDIENCE GROANS) Oh, my God.
Is that how it's gonna be? Right, Megan, what have you put? Arsehole! Justin Bieber.
Fuck off! What? It is Bieber.
What did you write? Bieber.
Just the other day, you said he was shit! What have you put? Adriana Lima, that's mine.
What? Are you winding me up? Who is that? She's that model, isn' A Victoria's Secret model.
Have you got her number? No, I Next question, where is the weirdest place Oh, no.
What is that? Turn it round.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second.
I have just heard that you're trying to rip off my show aga This is absolutely not on.
You did it with the Cube and you called it the Moob.
You did it with Master & Miss when I was on the show, and I let you get away with it then.
Now you're doing it again, I swear to God, man, this drives me crazy! You piss about with all my stuff! They are my ideas! Get your own! What did I say? What did I say? So sorry, Phillip, I do love you, but this is original.
Yes.
We've never done this before.
Mr & Mrs is a totally different thing.
It is a different thing.
Ask a question.
OK.
What is the most number of times Pete has ever masturbated in one day? Oh, my God.
I mean, he's a renowned wanker, but what's the number? Most in a day? I think I have got it.
It can't be more than seven.
It can't be more than seven.
No man can wank more than seven, that's when he faints.
Have you done seven in a day? When I was younger, not now.
Did you ever do a danger wank when your mum's round? Oh.
What's a danger wank? A danger wank is when you're knocking one out and you want the sexual gratification but you also want a frisson of excitement.
You call for someone in the house.
And get it done before they come? Yes, but you can end up glazing your mum like a doughnut.
/f How is your mum? She's good.
Five in a day.
Five in a day.
Five in a day! (KLAXON) Though, there is the klaxon.
Thank fuck for that.
I tell you what, Pete and Megan, everyone! They really know each other.
And the scores at the end of that round are Sha-ting! We are going to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break Mix it together! (CHEERING) Hello.
(CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Here on Celebrity Juice we like to play rhyming games.
Remember many of the rhyming games that we've played? Many rhyming game.
We've played Sinitta or Fajita? Yep.
/fo We've played Ogling With Fogling.
We've played the Bailey Daily Samey Namey Famey Gamey.
I remember that.
Do you ever think you're going to run out of great ideas? N And I've come up with another idea.
So let's play Hello and welcome to Rhyming Street.
This is a game where we are going to see celebrities doing things that rhyme.
Ant and Dec did a game called Wonky Donkey.
Fuck off.
So what I'm going to do is take you down Rhyming Street.
There's lots of celebrities doing things that rhyme.
For example, we might see Holly waving a brolly.
Yes.
We could have Fearne making my stomach churn.
I want you to spot the celebrity and tell me what they are doing that rhymes.
Yes? There's also a red herring in there that doesn't rhyme at all.
If you spot that one, you will get two points for your team.
OK.
Megan, do you know what's going on? Recognise.
OK.
Let's go down Rhyming Street.
Look who it is.
It's Mark Wright.
What's he doing there? There's my half brother.
Oh, she's doing a little dance.
Oh, he's doing well for himself, in't he? Oh, Kim Kardashian, I love the Kardashians.
Hello? We do like owls, don't we? She's got a nice arse.
Oh, that's a nice egg.
Say what you see.
So, that was Rhyming Street.
Holly, there was 10 there but how many did you spot? OK, We did seven and we think we've got the red herring.
Seven.
Seven.
If you don't get all seven, the point will go over to Fearne's team.
Fearne.
We've definitely got eight, then.
OK, what is your eight? I can't remember eight.
That's what you do, girl.
That's what you do.
In that case, we've got six, good luck.
No, no, no.
I reckon we can do eight.
They don't have to be in order.
Let's just try.
Mark Wright flying a kite.
Yes, that's correct.
Rylan Clark being eaten by a shark.
That's correct.
Rylan Clark being eaten by a shark.
Brad Pitt having a shit.
Brad Pitt having a shit.
Chris Kamara having a carbonara.
That's correct.
Miley Cyrus with a virus.
You've got four.
Miley Cyrus with a virus.
That's five.
Simon Cowell getting wanked by an owl.
Simon Cowell getting wanked by an owl.
Simon Cowell shagging an owl.
Can we give them that? Yes, it rhymes.
We'll give you that.
Kim Kardashian, Kanye Splashing 'em.
Splashing him.
Kanye West sucking on a breast.
(BUZZER) So that means the point goes to Holly's team.
Yeah! Hey, Holly, for the extra two points, did you see the red herring? Pam St Clement? Yeah.
What's the thing? She was scratching her vagina or something.
It was Pat Butcher fingering her anus.
Which doesn't rhyme, it don't rhyme.
That don't rhyme! And the scores at the end of that round are sha-ting! Jimmy.
Yeah.
Apart from us both having arms, and owning a waistcoat, we've got something else in common.
Ginger pubes! I have.
I don't know, have you? Yeah.
In my collection, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
We're both friends with Stephen Hawking.
Sure, OK, I'll buy that, yeah.
We're both friends.
So, I thought, what would be good to do tonight, whilst you're here, let's get us all together and play # JURASSIC PARK THEME Hello.
No, it's not a famous wrestler from television or Highlander, it's me Keith Lemon here in the actual science lab that was used in the 1993 dinosaur film Jurassic Park.
(PHONE RINGS) That will be Steve-o now.
Steve-o, I'm going to put you on speaker so we can all hear you, OK? Hello, Keith.
How's it going? Are you all right? I am good.
Thanks.
Jimmy's here.
Yes.
I'm pretty sure that's just a speak and spell, mate.
/font Steve-o, is that you? Yes.
See? So, who do you want to do the first experiment? Pete and Megan.
And what is the experiment? Can two people make a prawn cocktail using only their mouth? Well, let's find out.
Pete and Megan, everyone! Welcome to Jurassic Park! OK, so what you have got to do is make a stereotypical prawn cocktail, what you might see in a pub, but you have got to do it using only your mouth.
Right.
You go on the klaxon.
Are you ready? Have we got to bite it? (KLAXON) There is the klaxon! So, they are chowing down on the lettuce, shredding it, they have to pour it into the glass.
That is it.
There you go.
There you go.
Make the base.
You can't hold the glass.
You can't hold the glass.
No hands.
That is enough.
That is enough.
Next one.
We want you to de-shell the prawns.
I can't do this bit! Work as a team.
Ooh! Megan has got it.
Now, Pete, take the head off.
That's it, spit it out.
That's it, that's one.
Next one, next one.
(LAUGHTER) Bit of seasoning, bit of seasoning.
Megan has done this before.
Look at her gobble that down.
Teamwork, we are working as a team.
We are working as a team.
Oh, he has spilled it.
(APPLAUSE) Bit of lemon.
This is for science.
Squeeze.
Skill.
Right, now we have got to make the Marie Rose sauce.
I'm going to be sick.
I'm going to be sick.
Pete, your ketchup.
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth! Mix it together, mix it together! Mix it together! Mix it together! Pour it in.
That's it, Pete.
He knows what he is doing.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Let's just have a look.
Just like in Gino's restaurant.
There it is.
Pete and Megan, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I have got Steve-O on hold.
What is the next experiment you want us to conduct? Can Louis Walsh sit on a small sofa with six former X Factor acts? Can Louis Walsh sit on a sofa with six ex-X Factor contestants? It's Louis Walsh! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) So, Louis, I think this experiment is inspired by the six-chair challenge on the X Factor.
And that is pretty scary.
You ready? I'm ready.
Let's have the first ex-X Factor contestant.
Stevi Ritchie! It's Stevi Ritchie! How are you, sir? Good to see you.
You all right? Jonathan Ansell from G4! It's Jonathan from G4! Jonathan! Louis! How are you? Good, you? Series 1? Series 1.
Lloyd Daniels! Hello! Bratavio! 2 Shoes! It's 2 Shoes! You like 2 Shoes.
Hello, you all right? Chico! It's Chico time! How are you, darling? Don't get excited there! People talk about being thrown on the scrapheap.
Is this it? (LAUGHTER) We are about to do the experiment.
You are all sat on the sofa.
But none of you can have your feet on the floor for it to be successful.
Look at Louis, he is loving it! Louis' feet are on the floor.
Come on, lift them.
It's too heavy! Rearrange, rearrange! So you can get your feet up.
Work this out.
Get on, Louis.
This is safer.
Right, no feet on the floor, no feet on the floor.
Safer option.
No feet.
There is a sparkly boot on the floor here.
You have got to lift the sparkly boots of the floor.
(KLAXON) Oh! Thanks to all the ex-X Factor contestants.
(CHEERING) We did an experiment and found out that it is just not possible.
So you have failed the experiment.
How was your journey? It was very memorable.
Yeah? Yeah.
Shall we have a look at your best bits? OK.
Louis Walsh, everyone! Thank you.
Join us after the break, when we have got more science experiments on the Theory Of Anything.
We will see you in two! Or three! Coming up after t'break: You like a bit of salad, don't you, Gino? Not really.
Holly with the salad.
All the greens.
Three, two, one (CHEERING) Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
I'm going to talk to Steve-O now and see what the next experiment is.
Wa, go-an bread-bin! What gives? I don't know what you are talking about.
OK, what is the next experiment? Can you catch your dinner if it is travelling at the speed of light? Can you catch your dinner if it is travelling at the speed of light? Who do you want to do this experiment with? Gino, Holly and Fearne Cotton.
It's Gino, Holly and Fearne! (CHEERING) This is amazing.
Exciting, isn't it? Yeah.
OK, are you ready to do some science.
Not really, no.
This looks dangerous, with the helmet.
It is dangerous, so put your helmet on.
You look like one of those Chilean miners.
What you have to do is catch your dinner, but it will be travelling at the speed of light.
For each ingredient that you catch, you get a point for your team.
Do not aim at the willy.
(LAUGHTER) Let's go over to the testing area.
I can't wait! Here I am with Holly and Fearne and you can see that we have the T-Rex feeding guns here.
The first one has got spaghetti in it, then we have the meatballs, salad, we have the spicy arrabiata sauce.
There is no way Stephen Hawking would come up with shit like that.
This is you.
Steve, did you come up with this? Yes, I think you should call Brexit.
You got done.
We will start with you first, Fearne.
You have got your T-Rex feeding gun.
Look how excited, you witch.
You are talking to the wrong witch, you wanker.
Three, two, one.
(CHEERING) One point.
Oh, my God.
Next up it is the meatballs.
I am going to do it bazooka style.
Whoa! Three, two, one.
(APPLAUSE) Did you catch-a the meatball? That really fucking hurt.
/fon Did you get any? No.
You didn't get any but you still need the sauce.
You have got your sauce gun.
Remember that you are on my team.
Fearne's not.
Three, two, one.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) It it like mummy used to make? (LAUGHTER) It is time to give him some cheese.
It is in my eye.
Pull it down.
Three, two, one.
(APPLAUSE) I got one.
You like a bit of salad, don't you, Gino? Not really.
Here is Holly with the salad.
All the greens.
Three, two, one.
(APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Are you for fucking real? (LAUGHTER) Did you catch any? Yes.
Gino D'Acampo! (CHANTING) Gino! You have got the sauce, you have got the lettuce, you have got the Cheddar.
That is three points there.
Gino D'Acampo, everyone.
Good job.
That's the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the winning team is Fearne, it's not your team, it's Holly's team.
(CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon, if I don't see you through t'week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance.
# LITTLE MIX: Shout Out To My Ex