Celebrity Juice (2008) s16e12 Episode Script

Gogglyboxers

Thanks for coming round.
Anyone fancy a biscuit? I've got a selection.
Got the brown ones, the creamy-coloured, biscuit-coloured ones.
I don't like these biscuits.
What are we doing here? Thanks for asking.
Don't have a biscuit, then.
What we're doing is watching the best bits from Series 15, Celebrity Juice.
Whilst we're watching, they're filming us and they'll cut back to us to see what we think - 'Oh, that were good!' sort of thing.
That's like the other show, on Friday night, when people are sitting and watching the googleboxy thing.
I don't know.
Shut up, it's starting.
Huh? (GASPS) (GASPS) Oh, God! That shut me up, June.
I hated it though.
(BOTH CACKLE) Woo-hoo-hoo! Oh, I remember that, June.
(HICCUPS) (BOTH GUFFAW) I'm scared, June.
Makes me want to cry.
In a week where Daniel Bedingfield had a cold, 25 billion of you tuned in for the first-ever live Celebrity Juice.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice, the 15th series.
We're kicking it off with a live special! I can't believe we're having to watch that Celebrity Juice.
That Keith Lemon's bloody horrible, in't he, June? He's not that bad! He can be a bit rude sometimes.
I like that Fearne Cotton and Holly Willoughby.
Oh, they're lovely, they are.
Who's that Italian bloke? Are we watching Strictly Come Dancing? No! It's Gino D'Acampo.
Oh.
You can't drink on TV.
Can you drink? EVERYONE: Er You're not allowed to drink! Tell me what happened at the NTAs.
We got shit-faced.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We've got a picture of you the morning after on This Morning.
There's Holly doing a fart in his face.
That bloody awful Keith Lemon again.
He presents this show, sweetheart.
Well, he shouldn't, should he? It should be Alan Titchmarsh or somebody like Alan Titchmarsh.
Shouldn't it? Or Anneka Rice, in those tight leggings.
June, you used to wear tight leggings, didn't you, remember? You used to get camel toe.
Makes me sad, thinking about it.
Makes me want to go back to Egypt.
Can you remember when you went to the kebab shop? No.
Well, my friend Jonesie, he works in CCTV, he's given me exclusive footage of you two in a kebab shop.
Have a look at this.
You know when you get really pissed and you want summat to eat? There you are, throwing meat at him! What are you doing that for? Oh, it was a waste a food.
Oh, my gosh! There she is, there she is! Fifteen series, I've been going on about you.
What are you doing there? Holly's pissed on the fox, and now you're eating Holly's FEARNE: You dirty bint! That bloody Holly Willoughby is always drunk.
Pissed as a fart.
Well, it's disgusting.
Disgusting.
I don't know what to say.
She's bloody useless.
Look at her, licking Phillip's anus.
Quite frankly, I want to turn over.
I want todo something with her.
What are you talking about, Dom? She turns me on.
She turns me on.
I've said it.
Can you turn this over, please? We can't.
Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony! Keith to Tony.
We've not got time for the tank.
Go back to Devon.
Yeah? Yeah, out the front.
Come back next week.
Next week.
PANELLISTS: Aw! Gino! We'll get in the tank, both of us, next week.
Girls don't understand tanks.
There he goes.
Goodbye, Tony.
See you at the hippodrome.
PANELLISTS: Bye, Tony! Ta-ra, Tony.
Hey, what about Rylan? Rylan! What about Rylan? Rylan! Rylan in a box! Rylan! Get the fuck out of the box! Oh, my God, it's Rylan! Oh! Bloody hell! (MUTTERS) Oh.
Oh.
So what happens now? Shall we lighten the mood and lez off? Oh, yes! No, seriously, seriously.
Rylan has died, but he loved living life in the spotlight, so I'm sure he's happy with the way he's gone - on live TV.
Oh, look - he's dead.
He's dead, June.
Oh, my word! I never liked him anyway, that Rylan.
Did you like him? I didn't like him.
Yeah.
I hate him.
However, in the following episode, Keith Lemon tried to perform an Eastern miracle.
I read this fairy tale called Cinderella, and there's summat called a true love's kiss.
That brings people back to life.
Because it's Easter, it might happen.
I'm modern, I can kiss a man.
So I'm going to kiss him, see if he comes back alive, cos I do love him.
Maybe I should cup his balls.
(SCREAMS) You're alive! Rylan is alive! # Hallelujah Chorus Oh, he's alive! Oh, my God, I thought he was dead.
I'm so happy! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) So Craig and your fellow judges, you can see you've got judging panels.
7! So we want you to judge this year's Strictly Come Dragging.
The first contestant is Christina Ramsey! # THE WEATHER GIRLS: It's Raining Men There she is.
(CHEERING) Ramsey there.
It's like a drunk Mystic Meg.
Craig, any questions for Christina? Christina, darling, when did you start your drag career? Erm, at the top of those stairs.
(LAUGHTER) You used to look like that when you were young, June, remember? Arse like a peach.
Frick me, she's fit, in't she, eh? Darling, that's Chris Ramsey.
Who's Chris Ramsey? Who the heck is that? Don't like him.
OK, thank you, Christina.
Next up, it's Gina D'Acampo! (CHEERING) # CHER: Believe (BOTH CACKLE) AUDIENCE: Gina! Gina! Hiya! It's Lily Savage! (BOTH CACKLE) Next up, give it up for the devilishly naughty Emma Holmes.
Emma Holmes! Emma Holmes? (LAUGHTER) Oh, let me go.
Emma Holmes! It's Emma Holmes! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) There was nothing like THA on The Price Is Right.
Right, what's this all about? (LAUGHS) The scooter doesn't work.
This is very undignified.
Hurry up with this.
Would you like to ask Emma what the situation is? How has drag changed your life, darling? I don't care if I win or not.
Give me your worst.
I don't care.
He loves it! I don't fucking care.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I don't like Eamonn Holmes, filthy pothead.
He's always on the wacky baccy, in't he? Remember, we used to have that, didn't we? Remember, June? Is it true you have really massive balls? (CHEERING) How exactly is he going to clear up that rumour? I've got one massive bollock, yeah.
It's a mad thing.
It weighs a fucking ton, it does.
I'd love to whack it out.
Can I whack it out? No! AUDIENCE: Yeah! (CHEERING) Just one.
You're allowed one.
(APPLAUSE) I'll show you it.
Why me? I'll show it, right? Just going for Holly's reaction.
Take one for the team.
I can't believe I'm This is on medical grounds I'm doing this.
(SHRIEKS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (AUDIENCE SHRIEKS) Keith Lemon, lost for fucking words over there.
I never liked that Danny Dyer.
Let's play In the Easter special, Johnny Vegas was dressed as a fluffy little bunny and sent round the studio to find eggs.
FEARNE: Keep going.
You're nearly there.
You need to go to the (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I hate that Johnny Vegas.
All right? Yeah.
All right? (LAUGHTER) Have you got an egg on you? Nah, I haven't.
Have you got an egg on you?! Nah! I need an egg.
I need an egg! It's not funny! Will you talk to me? No, no, no, no, no! (BOTH GUFFAW) It's on the bog roll in the toilet! You've passed it! He's got it.
(DING!) Say sorry.
I made a huge mistake.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
(LAUGHS) (LAUGHS) Coming up after the break, Charlotte Crosby gets tickled by a Japanese businessman.
In one episode of Celebrity Juice, superman Dean Cain took on Will Mellor in a race to make an omelette.
(KLAXON) Go! Whisk it up.
Whisk it up, that's it, until it's all whisked.
Till the yolk's gone.
Whisk it until the yolk's gone.
(AUDIENCE CALLS OUT ENCOURAGEMENT) I hate that Will Mellor.
Come on, Mell-Man.
That's full! That's not full.
I'm full! Attack it, attack it! Three times, quick.
Baste it three times.
Suck up the juices.
One, two Three.
That weren't the same juices! Oh, Dom.
Phwoar! Look at those packages.
THAT is sexy.
Yes, yes.
(MUTTERS) What was THAT? I'm very, very drunk.
You ARE very drunk.
Good, darling.
I'm very drunk! Get the juices there.
Get the omelette, get the omelette! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Fucking yeah! (GRUNTS) Darling, that's perfect.
You know how I like it, don't you? Look at this, darlingJuice.
Earlier today, I went on the high street of Borehamwood and tracked down a Japanese businessman.
His name is 'E-G', as in, 'example'.
Please welcome Iji! Come on in! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Iji! You were going to come through there.
We were going to have music for your entry.
(SPEAKS JAPANESE) What's Japanese for 'tickle'? Anyone? We're all well-travelled here! Iji, what you've got to do is tickle - ha, ha, ha - tickle Charlotte while she is trying to tie my shoelaces.
Hai.
Boobs - no.
(LAUGHTER) He's got one eye closed! Looks like he's drunk some strong orange juice.
Tickle - ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
I don't like the 'ha'.
Yes, tickle, tickle.
(KLAXON) There goes! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That Keith Lemon's fit, isn't he? He's all right.
He's my ideal man.
I prefer the Italian one, Gino D'Acampo.
He's got a little, nice tush.
Hm, what is Sid owing? Hm.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) In this game, Sid Owen off of EastEnders was asked to steal items from a bar, but I must say, we don't condone stealing.
If he gets caught, Holly's team, you will get the points for the things he's taken.
Are you there? Speak to me, Keith.
Are you a bit nervous? I'm shitting myself.
HOLLY: There he is.
Stop, stop.
Have you got any napkins out the back? Napkins?! Napkins.
And can I just get a nice pint of water, is that all right? Yeah.
With some ice and lemon.
Ice and lemon? Yeah.
Can you hear me, Sid? He's nicking stuff! (LAUGHTER) Disgusting.
Say, 'I'm Sid Owen'.
You know who I am, don't you? Sid Owen.
Yeah.
They normally let us go behind the bar.
I just wanted to have a look what treats you've got on offer.
Say, 'Can we see the manager? I know him'.
I think I know him.
Can I have a word with him? We've got a little party later.
I wanted to organise some drinks.
He has been quite busy.
Give him a shout, that'd be great.
Look at him! (LAUGHTER) Sid, run, run! Sid, go! (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING) I like this bit, it's funny.
We'll get someone to top this up, which we owe the bar.
What we'll do is, the money we owe them, we will take that out of your fee for being on the show.
Don't worry - the management knew about you coming in.
We don't condone stealing.
(BURPS) One of the games was even played in a portable lavatory.
Let's play Hey, What Can You Do In A Portaloo? (CHEERING) Jimmy, are you there? Are you there? Yeah, I'm here.
Yeah.
For your challenge, what you've got to do is a one-man gig in a toilet, one person at a time.
One person at a time? A point for each person you do.
How do you mean, 'do'? If you make them laugh, you get a point.
The smallest gig you've ever done.
Oh, hello.
I've done smaller gigs than this in the early years.
One at a time, make them laugh.
Like they've won a prize - you've won Jimmy Carr for an evening but it's in a Portaloo that smells of shit.
Yeah, fine.
There he goes.
I'm in.
Great, perfect.
OK, you - get in.
(KLAXON) There he is.
How's your career going? You're dressed as a pigeon in a Portaloo.
Fucking reeks.
Well done.
Right, fine.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Next one.
I'm looking at you, I can see two disappointed parents.
(LAUGHTER) Looking at your face is (DING!) He's adorable! I like him.
Next.
Oh.
(LAUGHTER) It's like a foreign movie! (LAUGHTER) (DING!) I really misread the situation.
I was looking at your erect penis, and I thought I just read the vibe.
Next one.
(LAUGHTER) I'm never eating carbs again.
Oh, God, look at his belly button! It's the weirdest fucking thing I've ever seen.
It's like Gino's cock.
Oh, God, make it stop.
(DING!) I'm gonna be sick.
Well done, Jimmy! Next one.
Konnichiwa? Er, hello.
How are you? Good luck with I don't know a lot about your culture, but that whole thing with Godzilla was a nightmare, wasn't it? Why would you do that? (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE SHRIEKS) You freaky little fucker! What are we even doing? It smells weird.
(DING!) (KLAXON) (CHEERING) Jimmy Carr, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I hate that Jimmy Carr, don't you, June? Go on.
Gino, what do you bring to the show? Me? Pure filth.
I don't know.
We learn about your sexual exploits with your missus.
Yeah.
What's going down there? Well Anything new? We are into vegetables at the moment.
Vegetables? Yeah, yeah.
I think all those toys, vibrators, they're overrated.
Try some fresh vegetables.
Get yourself a nice aubergine and get on with it.
We are not on the aubergine stage yet.
(LAUGHS) We went from the carrots to the zucchini, the courgette.
The aubergine, she said that's gonna hurt.
Right.
June, have we got any cucumbers in the fridge? Oh, I think so.
Why? No reason.
Fred, we're very much alike.
I used to speak fluent French but the problem is, I can't read French.
I have a French girlfriend called Nicole.
FEARNE: Ha! (LAUGHTER) She keeps leaving me notes.
Could you translate for me? Sure.
Yeah? Here's one.
It's really romantic, but I can't read them.
I go, 'I love you! Bonjour'.
Thank you.
So lovely, from a made-up girlfriend.
Why would I make up a girlfriend? I'm on telly, I can fuck anyone.
(LAUGHTER) Read it in French first.
OK.
(SPEAKS FRENCH) What does that mean? 'Keith, call the plumber.
You're not supposed to shit in the bidet'.
It sounds sexy, doesn't it? I had a French girlfriend once.
Makes me want to cry.
June? Read this one for us.
One more? One more.
This is what she left this morning.
All right.
(SPEAKS FRENCH) (LAUGHTER) GINO: 'Spunk'? Yeah, we got that one.
So in French, 'spunk' is the same word.
'Keith, could you please stop wiping your sperm How do you say, 'gant de toilette'? Toilet? No, it's a glove to wash yourself.
How do you call it? AUDIENCE MEMBER: Towel.
That's it.
'With your flannel, ple What are you wiping? You know when you've sex Oh, God.
.
.
and you wipe it on the sex flannel at t'side of the bed.
And lucky for you, I've brought it in.
There it is.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Oh, God! He's filthy, isn't he? He's filthy, isn't he? Coming up after the break, Eamonn Holmes tries to recover some lost treasure.
In one episode of Celebrity Juice, Eamonn Holmes, who had just endured a double hip replacement, had to take part in a very important mission to recover some pornographic material.
Indiana Holmes And The Temple Of Pun-Ani.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (KLAXON) There he goes, right in front of us.
(HUMS INDIANA JONES THEME) Just like Indiana Jones.
Oop, oop! Straight out.
He's in the corridor.
Eamonn, you've gone the wrong way.
You've gone the wrong way, you idiot.
Dead end.
Turn around.
You're watching ITV2.
This is Eamonn Holmes on a mobility scooter.
He's got his own theme tune.
Over the ramps! Be careful of your hips.
Be careful of your hips.
Obstructions ahead.
Look in the bushes.
Whoops! (BLOWS RASPBERRY) (LAUGHS) Oh, my word, what's this? Whose pants are these? The washing lines.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) Get involved in the foliage.
Bring back the porn mags.
It's a point for each jazz mag you bring back.
(ALARM) Get out of there! You've set the trap off.
Stop looking.
Right, right.
Stop looking and get them in your basket.
You're in danger.
(GRUNTS) Hurry up.
Come on.
Be careful.
That's it - steady, steady, steady.
Beware of giant balls.
There it is, it's a big ball! Go, go, go! Put that back! Don't look back.
Don't look back? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Just in time! (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) Just in time, just in time.
Yeah.
This is why I hate coming on this show - filth! You couldn't play a good, clean game, could you? Take that whip home the Ruth.
He's a bloody good sport, that Eamonn Holmes, isn't he? Yes, and you know he loves the ganja? He loves it.
He loves a toke, loves a toke.
Does he? He loves a toke.
Do we have anything? Don't think so, not since you were at uni.
(SNORTS) Shush! I don't take drugs! I can't believe we do this link like this.
It's like the stealing the show, the googly-boxy show.
What's your problem this series? You're a right aggro bitch.
You're like a girl on t'blob, honestly.
This is bullshit! It's not a real house.
It's a studio.
We're lying to the people! Chill out! You're always lying! You're not even Italian, you're from Sheffield! Just have a bit of fun! What's up with you? Yeah, smile! Jesus Christ! Run VT.
From this year, I'm going to be Il Generalissimo.
(CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! I fucking love this show.
But after a mere few weeks, the Italian generalissimo found himself becoming increasingly grumpy.
Is it true you get mistaken for him? In the olden days.
Not now I'm a bit older.
Is that why you stopped wearing fleece? Yeah, exactly.
Gino, have you got a fleece? Who the fuck wears a fleece? HOLLY: Gino! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Women prefer cats to men.
Men like the simplicity of a dog.
I never said I preferred cats, I just can't have a dog cos I'm too busy.
Dogs will love anyone though.
Gino, what do you think? I fucking hate dogs.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! (APPLAUSE) Why do you hate dogs, Gino? You have to look after them.
I've already got three flipping children.
I don't get the love between a man and a dog.
You get unconditional love.
You get home and go, 'You fucking little low life!' They'll still love you.
I'll lend you a fleece, take the dog out, you're going to love it.
This is the last time we'll ever see each other.
Fleeces and dogs.
I can't believe how moody Bruno Tonioli's being.
That's Gino D'Acampo! No, that's Bruno Tonioli from Strictly Come Dancing.
That's Gino D'Acampo! I'd like to do Strictly Come Dancing.
Oh, (BLEEP), Leon.
I would.
I'd like to do that.
Makes me want to cry.
It's a French Labrador.
With a beret.
What makes the Labrador French? That's the breed of dog.
The beret.
French Labrador, innit? Just a Labrador, actually.
It in't, cos it's got a beret on.
Now YOU'RE being aggressive! I was asking a good question.
This is a stupid game! What's your fucking problem? I don't have a problem.
This is not a French dog.
It's a French Labrador! It's got a cigarette, a beret and a fucking stripy top on.
How French could it be? Its name is Xavier! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I don't understand what you want me to do.
We have to decide whether we do it like this You have an allotted time.
The klaxon will go, then you will shimmy it up your body.
Shimmy, you know - shimmy! OK! Sounds like you've got YOUR period.
It's him! Gino, that were a fun game, weren't it? You have the most amazing people on this show.
Your games are shit! That Gino D'Acampo's a right aggy bitch, isn't she? It's like she's got PM or something.
Are we finished with this? No, it hasn't finished yet.
No, have we finished with THIS? Why are we pretending to be those people on googly box? We can we not do a normal links to camera? Like I said, that Gino D'Acampo's a right aggy bitch.
This is rubbish.
You're on your own.
Listen.
A musical ocean? # Baby, love really hurts without you # That's good.
I hate that Zach Galligan from Gremlins.
Don't you, June? Hate him.
I don't believe it.
# No more love on the run # It's fake.
In't that brill? The music comes from there.
(LAUGHTER) You're tricking people at home.
You're tricking them.
People like my children are going to believe Your legs! What are you fucking doing? I thought we'd do the joke where you hear the music in the shell.
My children watch.
When I go to the beach, they'll say, 'Why is there no fucking music in the shell?' You tell them there's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus? There IS no fucking Santa Claus! Don't say that! I'm Don't say there's no such thing as Santa Claus! Three weeks, you've been a right fucking aggro bitch.
Can you just fucking play along with some of the jokes? OK.
Otherwise, making pizzas and fucking dough balls on This Morning.
It's my fucking birthday.
Just go along with the joke.
OK.
We can cut it off and I'll pretend - 'Oh, that's cool!' Yeah? I can actually see that I've been slightly moody in this series.
Occasionally, not all the time.
Most occasions.
Here, I've got a present for you.
Oh! Cheer up! There you go.
He's happy now.
It's from Ben Fogle.
Oh, Ben.
He's lovely! Him and his dogs! I wouldn't buy you a present.
What is it? You know, Ben, the posh guy.
What is it? It's a fucking fleece! What a (BLEEP)! Could you, Mr Fogle? It can't be THAT hard.
On one occasion, Keith urgently needed to use the men's room, leaving Ben Fogle to present the show.
Well, this is what we've got.
Bra, bra, bra, man! You is well fit.
I'd let you sit on my chest.
Recognise? We've got another picture from the night, you get me? Good, Ben.
Very good.
What the flip is CeeLo Green wearing? Don't you think CeeLo Green looks like a Ferrero Rocher? Did you and CeeLo get well mashed up? Erm, no.
I got so messed up last time I went.
You get me, bread bin? Bra, bra, bra! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I hate that Ben Fogle.
Have you ever done trap 2? Have I ever done what? Trap 2.
What's trap 2? Oh, bum! He has! Look at the pose! That was a yes face.
Craig, you've done trap 2.
I have.
Indeed, I have.
(LAUGHTER) It's most enjoyable.
With a man? Yes.
I don't know why I come on this programme.
Afterwards, did you go, '# 7! #'? No, but Len did.
After the break, hard man Malcolm Smith - I mean, Danny Dyer - presents his very own kids' TV show.
I'm not going to lie - this bird is winding me up.
In a week where June Sarpong lost her car keys, EastEnders actor and professional bad boy Danny Dyer was forced to become a children's TV presenter.
You fucking little tits! BOTH: It's Magical Fun Times With Uncle Danny! It's time to bring out my magical sack.
AUDIENCE: Woo! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Now listen I want to see your magical sack! How big it is! I've heard it's massive.
Now listen, listen.
It's very shy, so we're going to have to sing it a little song, right? We're singing your sack a song? What IS this programme? Calm down.
Ready? This is the song.
The magical sack! (MUTTERS) Yes, me too.
I'm totally blottoed.
(MUTTERS) Now it's time time for Birdy Wirdy.
# Birdy Wirdy # It's Birdy Wirdy! # Oh! (LAUGHTER) Look, everyone, it's Birdy Wirdy! How you getting on, you all right? (CHEERING) You all right? (SHRIEKS) (LAUGHTER) Braaak! Say hello to the boys and girls.
Braaak! Braaak! All right, all right.
Turn it in, turn it in.
Braaak, braaak! Awwwk! Shawww! Brak, brak, brak! What you doing, June? Brak! Brak, brak.
I've got Minnie from Shoreham.
How you getting on? Hi, Uncle Danny.
I'm fine, thank you.
Brak! Brak? I'm not going to lie - this bird is winding me up.
It's a right irritating bird, innit? Braaak! (LAUGHTER) I hear that Birdy Wirdy makes the most annoying sound in the world.
Can I hear it again? Braaak! Braaak! BOTH: Brak, brak! Brak, brak, braaak! I love Danny Dyer.
Braaak! Leave it out! BOTH: Braaak! Yaaak! I tell you what Stop doing that! Brak, braaak! Up next, on line 3, Sam from Scunthorpe, poor bastard.
(BUZZ!) Bra, bra, bra, braaaa! It's not a bloody chicken! Copy me.
Brak, braaak! Baa, baa! It doesn't go baa.
Sheeps go bloody baa.
It goes, squawk! Bloody baa! Oh, God, Dom.
(MUTTERS) Darling.
Get me a top-up.
Danny, have you done a film that hasn't gone straight to DVD? (LAUGHTER AND GROANS) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Adam, Adam, Adam.
I appreciate the call, but let's be straight, you're a bit of a fucking arsehole.
(BUZZ!) I'll tell you what, Adam, get fucked.
(BUZZ!) I'm afraid that's all the callers we have time for.
Thanks to Birdy Wirdy and Braaak! (BUZZ! BUZZ! BUZZ!) (KLAXON) Well, that was fun, wasn't it, babes? Holy shit.
How amazing.
Billy is here.
Finally, to have my dad as a guest.
He's not your dad REALLY.
However, during the show, Keith Lemon and Billy Ocean took a paternity test, and the entire world sat on the edge of their seats, waiting for those all-important results.
(DRUM ROLL) Based on analysis of the samples taken from both Billy Ocean and Keith Lemon, we can confirm .
.
that Billy Ocean (GRUNTS) Oh, God.
Oh, I can't bear it.
Get on with it! It's tense, innit, June? This is tense.
I hate it.
Makes me want to cry.
.
.
is Keith Lemon's biological father! Yeah! # SISTER SLEDGE: We are family I love Celebrity Juice.
We'd be good on that show, wouldn't we? Yeah.
I can't believe, after 15 series, this show is that good.
It IS dead good, isn't it? I like it.
It's The Buzzer Round! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Fearne, what's your buzzer? BUZZER: Oh, bugger it! Very posh voice, wasn't it? The first question is, what did Kanye West reportedly pay 100 grand to cover up? BUZZER: Oh, fuck off, you working-class scum! Fearne's team? Did Ben just actually say that? These are all his catchphrases.
(LAUGHTER) How did Amanda Holden describe her vagina this week? BUZZER: Would you like to feel my cashmere? Why is Ben Fogle's wife looking so embarrassed in this picture? BUZZER: I'm a fucking Tory, don't you know? Why has former X Factor star Chris Maloney been in the newspapers this week? BUZZER: My bank account is in Panama.
I just wanted to hear what I'd say.
I don't know the answer.
BUZZER: Primark? What's this? I know Prince Harry.
Whenever he laughs oddly it's cos it's probably true.
They're very good, though.
I thought that were a great series, and these links have added to it.
What do we do now? Erm That's it, the end of the show.
No, there's something else.
A montage? No, if there was a montage, a voice-over would have said, 'Now it's time for a montage'.
Oh! Sorry.
That's me.
(CLEARS THROAT) This programme ended with a montage.
(JAMAICAN ACCENT) Welcome.
Come on down to my beach party right now.
Raaa, raaa, raaa! # I've got something to tell you # Fuck off! # I've got something to say # To be honest, I don't have a clue.
# When the going gets tough # Blu-lu-lu-lu! Here's your weed that you asked for.
Ten points if the baguette disappears.
I get buzzy after 12.
I go all cranky and shit.
# The going gets tough # Urgh! # When the going gets rough # Yes, yes, yes! What are you saying? I didn't take this.
(IMITATES ACCENT WITH GIBBERISH) I'm saying, I didn't (IMITATES) Bloody heck! Bone? Ready.
What's the message? Go to bed with an itchy bum, wake up with a smelly finger.
True, dat.
# Ooh, ooh, ooh # (BELCHES) This is Paul and Jenny - Paul and Jenny, our biggest fans.
That's outside their house.
Let's go inside.
Tits, chebs and bangers.
Yeah, boy! Have you spoken about cheese so much it's sent someone to sleep? I do like You know, I do I just Three things you can screw.
Oh, fuck off! I'm out! At least you're making love to me properly and not looking at me.
The winning team is Ricky and Melvin, have you enjoyed yourselves? Good luck! Call me, eh? Is that wet dog? I can smell wet dog.
EVERYONE: Bye.
See you next series! Darling, do you fancy a quick coffee before bed? Fuck off.
Coffee (!)