Celebrity Juice (2008) s16e14 Episode Script
Bestest Unseenest Bits
1 I'm Keith Lemon, and these are my not-new titles.
We'll change them next series.
Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers, boy.
Ooh-hoo! Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me but secretly wants my babies.
And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy! We're all in heaven, but we're not dead.
It's an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K-ready.
What the fuck is 4K? Hooray for Hollywood Hi.
I'm not in Hollywood, I'm somewhere better.
I'm at Elstree Studios, where they filmed such classic films as Indiana Jones, Saving Private Ryan and Star Wars.
I'm not making a film myself, but I'm making a new telly show with Paddy McGuinness.
It's gonna be on telly in 2017.
Paddy's not here yet.
He's coming down from Bolton.
Anyway, they've asked me to do links for the Best Of Unseen Celebrity - it's unseen - Unseen Celebrity Juice, whilst we're working on this show, which is really exciting.
We're gonna recreate movies, squash 'em down to half hour.
The best thing I've ever done, apart from some of the unseen bits in Celebrity Juice, which I'm linking to now.
So here's the first chunk of them.
Enjoy! That went all right, didn't it? I said everything.
Now, recently on This Morning, someone gave you a special gift, didn't they? They gave you a painting.
Oh! Oh, God.
Tell us about the painting.
Yeah.
It was a man who came in erand his gift was that he painted with his penis.
(LAUGHTER) I walked in.
I thought I better say hello before he starts painting.
I walked in and he was already painting.
But he's got it like that.
He's rubbing it on the canvas.
It looks like a gnarly, callused old knob that he's rubbing on there.
And afterwards he presents it to you, and you're like, 'I don't want to touch that! It's got your knob wiped all over it.
' When you look at it, you can see bits of, 'Oh, that's his bell end there'.
He paints with his bollocks.
He paints with his arse.
Here's a picture of it.
Here's a picture of it.
(LAUGHTER) Does he use anything else other than paint? (AUDIENCE GROANING) I mean, look at your white teeth.
(LAUGHTER) It's like Barack Obama and Billie Piper, really.
Well, inspired by this, and because it's your ten-year anniversary, I've done a special painting for you, also.
Erm I haven't used my willy, cos I just think that's obtuse.
I used my anus.
Here's a picture of me.
(LAUGHTER) Here's a finished picture here.
(THIS IS YOUR LIFE THEME PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) Oh, listen.
I keep the knob one, you keep this one.
The eyes! I had a shower before I did it, so my arsehole was so sweet and clean.
Just smell it.
Smell it.
No! Ten years working together.
Well done.
What a lovely gift.
Thank you very much.
f (AS DANNY DYER) You fucking weasel tits! Oh, look! It's the Magical Sack.
What's in it? What? What's in it? You know what's in it.
What's in it? Is it letters? It is letters, as it happens, Donna the Dog.
Read the letter! I will do.
Read one! I will do, Don! I will do! Calm down! Piping up Can you read? Yeah, I'm a good readerer.
(LAUGHTER) No, honestly, read it.
Pipe down now, Donna, my life, cos I will clump you.
All rig (LAUGHTER) 'Dear Danny.
You are my hero.
' 'I drew a picture of you at school in break time.
I really hope you like it.
Jack, four years old, out of Uxbridge.
' Let's have a look at the picture.
Is that the picture? Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) Have a look.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I don't know if you can see ermwe've got a flat tyre.
You might think that's a rubbish joke, but it ain't funny.
It's not a joke.
I don't know if you got that take.
I mentioned me and Paddy are doing a show which comes out in 2017.
I mentioned that we're gonna recreate classic movies, squash 'em down to a half hour, I think.
I mentioned that I'm here to do script meetings and erm to do costume fitting.
Paddy's not here.
He's on his way down from Bolton.
I think I've mentioned everything.
I did tell you that this is Celebrity Juice Unseen, all the bits we couldn't fit in the show, sothe first link, they might have used.
They don't know yet.
But if they did, good.
This is me referring the first link, and me linking to the next bit of unseen bits of Celebrity Juice that we couldn't fit in.
Enjoy.
Are you good at sucking? (LAUGHTER) Seriously, though, are you any good at sucking? Gino, I'm on your team.
Remember that.
Give me something easy.
OK.
So, the next item.
(AUDIENCE GROANING) Oh, fuck that.
I heard that.
Someone's unstrapping something.
(AUDIENCE GROANING) OK, so a point for your team.
Don't move, cos you might run into trouble.
(LAUGHTER) Would you like to start with the tongue? That's me.
Would you like to start with the tongue and feel the item? Go on.
(CRIES OUT) Start with the tongue.
Start with the tongue.
Get your tongue out.
(CRIES OUT) No, no, it's OK.
It won't bite you.
(CRIES OUT) I can't! Oh, God.
Tongue out.
What is it? Just Is it You've got to guess.
I know.
That's the game.
Is it, like, a thing? (LAUGHTER) It's a thing.
It's a thing, or part of a thing.
Lick.
(CRIES OUT) It's your beard.
No, no.
No, it's not beard.
Would you like to suck it to make it better? Open.
(CRIES OUT) Oh, I can't! I can't! (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Stephanie, what do you think it is? Come back.
Don't come out of the picture, you might get lost.
A mouse.
A mouse? No, we would never do that.
You think it's a mouse? Is that your answer? Can I touch it with my finger? No.
Take off your blindfold.
There he is.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.
I knew it was a beard.
It's not beard.
It came off his leg.
It was a plaster on his leg.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Well done, Stephanie Pratt! # La, la-la-la, la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la # Wan, wan, wan, wan wan, wan, wan, wan Wan, ker, ker, ker, ker, ker (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, hello.
I'm just warming up my voice.
That's what people in movies do, warm up their voice so they can do different voices and such.
I'm also having a bit of make-up put on for some of the filming that we're doing later on in the day.
Anyhow, Paddy is still not here.
He said it takes an hour and 40 to get here, but obviously that's wrong.
I don't know why he doesn't move to London.
Apparently it's 'too fast'.
I don't know what that means.
I'm not allowed to tell you some of the films that we are doing.
Don't tell me anything.
But I will give you some clues.
I'll just give 'em some clues.
One of the films we do involves ghosts and busting them.
Mm-hm? So whilst you're trying to work that out, here's some more erm Celebrity Juice Unseen Bits.
Don't worry, they'll never know it's Babe: Pig In The City.
No way, because I didn't even mention the pig, did I? I didn't.
No, I just said ghosts.
Red herrings.
Daisy, you do the catwalks, don't you? I do a bit of them, yeah.
Is there a specific walk that you have to do? Well, I think you're supposed to, but I don't.
Well, can you show us what you do do? What I do? Yeah, show us.
We've got a camera up here.
It's convenient.
Are you gonna do it? You want me to go first, then you follow? We need music.
/fo OK.
Go down to the bottom of the star and do what you do.
You're tall, aren't you? Yeah, I'm quite tall.
Wow! (LAUGHTER) Shall we just stand here blinking at each other? I'm taking (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) For later on.
So I think we'll have some music on and you show us what you do at a fashion show.
Go on, then.
# I'm too sexy for my shirt # Too sexy for my shirt # So sexy it hurts # I'm too sexy for Milan # Too sexy for Milan New York and Japan # Yeah.
Yeah? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, now your turn.
Your walk was really sexy.
It's a strut.
Your bum was like this.
I can't It was really, like You want to see sexy? You want to see sexy? Go on, then.
Vegas, come here.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Don't! AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Do it! Do it! Do it! For real.
If you play some Steptoe And Son music (LAUGHTER) What am I modelling? A T-shirt.
No, I meanin my head.
In my head.
Who's approached me and said, 'Only you can do this'? Who are you working for? Yeah.
Jeff Banks.
Jeff Banks, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Wait! He made my wedding suit, bitch! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Can I have some music? Johnny Vegas.
# DESTINY'S CHILD: Bootylicious Oh, yes! All right, isn't he? Good.
Good.
It was all right, that! (CHEERING) That was good! That was good.
That was good.
I didn't actually have sex with Ruth cos she's married to Eamonn, but she told me all the things she can do with her magical minge.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and watched it go? (LAUGHTER) I know.
There are so many more things - Holly has! Holly has! Look at her face, Holly's! Holly, you're always like that with a mirror, aren't you? No, I'm That face was a face of Gino absolutely pissing himself.
Holly, have you ever looked at it in the mirror? Er Yeah.
Yes.
Have you really? Everybody should have a look.
You've got to know what's down there.
Oh, not contracting.
Yeah, you have.
You've got a mirror and sort of But also, I've done that thing.
I remember doing an own home wax once, and I only did that once.
Oh, never again.
So I had to check where everything was and What, where's the vagina? (LAUGHTER) No, whether I'd left I know it's in this massive muff somewhere.
Where is it? No.
So, yeah.
A home wax? Home wax.
Waxing your I actually used the strips, and it was so bloody painful I got in the bath and waited for them all to soak off.
I was like, 'I am not doing that again'.
I've seen your bush.
Those strips must have been like towels.
(LAUGHTER) (MIMICS WAXING) Your husband was like, 'Is that an aeroplane going across house'? 'Coming up after the break' Three orgasm faces.
(MOANS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) No! That's not true! That's impossible! Can you believe it? They've run out of baked potatoes in canteen.
That's all I eat as well.
Oh, hello.
I was just doing dialogue there from Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back, when Luke finds out that Darth Vader's his father.
I know I'm dressed as Luke from Return Of The Jedi - a different outfit altogether - but that's no indication as to what film er myself and Paddy are doing in the Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which airs in 2017 on ITV.
Not 1, just ITV.
Oh, is? I think my penis is hanging out.
Actually, whilst I put my penis away, here's some more unseen bits from Celebrity Juice.
Emma, can you put it away? I don't know how.
No.
I'm just joking.
As if I'd let her put it away.
Can you put it away? I don't have to put up with her.
(APPLAUSE) If you're a young teenage boy and your parents have gone out, this is my gift to you.
(LAUGHTER) Three things a policeman might say? 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Why does it do that? I think it's a bit tired.
There it is.
(SHRIEKS) The element of surprise.
Three things you can stroke? A cat, a dog and a rat.
(APPLAUSE) A rat?! A rat?! You could stroke a rat! Three things you've stolen in the past? Pens, a book and a poster.
John, you look like you've had a wank that's gone out of control.
(LAUGHTER) My hips are killing me! Three things that are made of leather? Er A handbag, a belt and er a whip.
(LAUGHTER) HOLLY: John! Oh, matron! Oh! (LAUGHTER) Three different words for vagina? Er (BLEEP) vajay and er old lady's front door.
(APPLAUSE) Three orgasm faces.
(MOANS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That's a cheeky one.
Three different faces you do when you are enjoying yourself? Poo face, come face, just-spent-a-lot-of-money face.
(APPLAUSE) Three things you put in your mouth but don't swallow? Spunk.
I don't know! (LAUGHTER) Started with spunk, and then my brain went, 'You're done.
You're done.
' Reggie, hit Bollie.
Hit him.
(PUNCHING SOUND EFFECT) Yeah.
Go again.
Careful, careful.
Yeah, again.
Yeah! Oh, again.
Do I get to hit him back? (LAUGHTER) Fearne and Holly, come to the middle and have a fight.
(CHEERING) Oh.
Oi-oi.
Remember your angle and where you're coming from so it looks real.
It depends where the Are you ready? You hit me first.
OK.
OK.
Ready? This is fun.
Yeah.
DANNY: Let's have a tear-up.
(PUNCHING SOUND EFFECT) Oh, sorry.
I haven't done it yet.
(WAH-WAH-WAH SOUND EFFECT) OK.
OK.
Ready? Yeah.
You fucking bitch.
Yes! That felt good.
Don't hit me, you motherfucker! Oh, my God! You hit me again! You bloody cow! Ooh! That was a slow-mo.
What was that? (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now what? So now you've had a fight, you kiss and make up.
I know what's happening.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
Go on, kiss and make up.
We'll have a little hug.
Oh, sorry.
(ASCENDING-PITCH WHISTLE) That's the sound of my hard-on.
(LAUGHTER) (ASCENDING-PITCH WHISTLE) I just looked at Fearne.
(DESCENDING-PITCH WHISTLE) Hilarious (!) Johnny, you know when you masturbate and it's a speed one? Yeah.
Do you just think of dirty bitches that you would never go near? No, I put myself in positions that I know I'd never have the nerve to pull off.
(LAUGHTER) What sort of positions? Just me threatening a clown to do stuff.
(LAUGHS) In a hall of mirrors.
And I'm looking round, and there's a thin me and a really obese me, and there's a kind of 'woo' just going-in-like-an-hourglass me, and I'm just doing that, and I'm going, 'Hit it with a mallet!' (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
Yeah, why not? But, you know, if you're on the Virgin train and they're going, 'We're now approaching Euston', you've got to get it off quick, haven't you? (LAUGHTER)/f (PANTING) Hi.
Just rehearsing for a scene that myself and Paddy McGuinness will be recreating in our new television show The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which airs on ITV1 in 2017.
I don't think they call it ITV1 any more, it's just ITV.
Watch it! That would never happen in Rocky.
(STAMMERS) Rocky from Mask, with Cher, where he had a big face, cos he don't train and he's not a boxer, and that's not the film Here's some more clips erm unseen from Celebrity Juice.
This is a link.
I spat when I said it, but no worries, we're keeping it real, and me and Paddy are not recreating Rocky in 2017 on The Keith And Paddy Picture Show.
Enjoy these clips.
I think I got out of that.
A little birdie tells me What little birdie? A little birdie.
Not so little, actually.
Eamonn Holmes (LAUGHTER) .
.
tells me you have the biggest penis on daytime TV.
HOLLY: Do you?! Yeah.
Holly is so excited.
You think you have the biggest penis on daytime television? No, Gino.
No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Gino, I have actually seen yours.
(CHEERING) This was when we first won an NTA for This Morning, and you said if we won the NTA you'd cook naked.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
He did, yeah.
You cooked naked behind the counter, and obviously I'm behind the counter, and you were like, 'Have a look'.
I was like, 'I'm not looking!' I was like, 'All right, I'll look', and you had a little willy warmer on your willy.
(LAUGHTER) Actually, all these conversations are banal banter, because actually what Eamonn says is you are the biggest penis on telly.
(GROANS) Oh! (LAUGHTER) (ALL SINGING) # Happy birthday, dear Keith # Happy birthday to you # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
As it's your birthday.
Come on.
Did you just do that off your own back? You kissed him on the lips? It's his birthday.
Should Fearne give me a birthday kiss? (CHEERING) Oh, we've done all this before and it never ends well, does it? (LAUGHTER) Pucker up! Have you eaten prawns? I've had some sushi.
(GROANS) I've caught London - I'm posh.
These are the rules.
There are boundaries.
Hey, that was like a nice sensitive moment with Holly.
It was nice.
What do you think I'm gonna do, grab your tits? I don't know.
You haven't got any.
(LAUGHTER) OK, you have.
It's gonna be quick.
Yeah, yeah.
Really fucking quick.
The mouth is to beis to remain very tightly shut.
Tight as a badger's spadge.
Absolutely.
(LAUGHTER) And if I even see a millimetre of that tongue Yeah?/font I will kick you in the bollocks.
I haven't got my tongue.
I don't have a tongue.
(LAUGHTER) I tell you what.
Put your foot Put your toe to touch my toe.
font color="#ffffff And you're gonna put the other leg back so you're doing a lunge.
font color="#fff We're literally gonna go like that, and it's gonna be arms behind back and there's no touching.
Whilst I'm kissing you, am I allowed to just do that sort of thing? (LAUGHTER) So I can take a photograph off of telly.
No, you don't need to do any of that.
It's just literally gonna be (MIMICS EXPLOSION) .
.
out, gone.
OK.
Come on, I'm sweating.
I'm gonna get a hard-on.
Three, two, one (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes, Paddy, I am wearing a Vivienne Westwood boiler suit.
How do you know, anyway? You can't even see me.
Cos you should have been here about an hour ago.
You said it takes an hour and 40 minutes.
No way does it take that.
No, you're late, man.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, I know.
(SCREAMS) Did you hear that? No, I'm not telling them what films we're doing on the Keith And Paddy Picture Show in 2017 on ITV1, I'm just giving them clues.
Yeah, I know it's ITVjust ITV, not ITV1.
Well, I'll call Get here soon.
I'm just doing links for Celebrity Juice Unseen.
All right.
See you in a bit.
Paddy on phone.
Here's some more Celebrity Juice Unseen Bits.
They won't be able to tell what film that was.
Did you put music on? Oh, well, they fucking will then.
In the words of Eamonn Holmes (AS EAMONN) What's the situation? Erm We're not like erm like, official.
What does that mean? We're working on it.
It's complicated.
Yeah.
Are you Are you erm? (LAUGHTER) No, because that, I mean No, that's the bit we're worki So So that'sthat's your regular, and that's your specials.
That's really just for birthdays.
It was actually my birthday yesterday, Jimmy.
Was it? Yeah.
Well, you can't do that and then go back in there.
/ That's a recipe for disaster.
I'll remember that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why can you not go back? (LAUGHTER) Because Because onceonce you've been in there, you then must give it a rinse before you go back in there.
Oh, my God! Otherwise you might get a yeast infection.
/font Jimmy, you clean it off in her mouth, don't you? (AUDIENCE GROANING) Yes, you do.
Of course, yeah.
See? He's always He's always thinking.
FEARNE: Wow.
It's not often you hit a new low on this show.
(LAUGHTER) Coming up after the break It's gonna look like you're fucking me up my arse.
It doesn't look anything like that.
Yes, it does.
Look! (LAUGHTER) R-Right, then.
Erm I think I'll be playing Baby, because I'm more metrosexual than Paddy and I don't care about wearing a dress.
He's obviously gonna be Johnny.
Now, who do we cast for Penny? Well, Clare Balding's very sporty, and Jennifer Lawrence.
I'll leave it up to her.
She can do whatever she wants.
Oh, over-the-shoulder shot now, is it? Well, I'm just doing a bit of casting, cos that's the most important thing about recreating a movie for a programme entitled The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which airs in 2017 on ITV - just ITV, not ITV1.
Erm Casting can basically make or break a film, so it's very important getting it right.
Erm Gary Wilmot, he'll supply some diversity.
That's good.
I like Gary Wilmot.
And that'll do.
So ermwhilst I continue debating who's gonna be in the cast of the film that I haven't mentioned what it is - no, I don't think they'll get what it is - here's some more Celebrity Juice Unseen Bits.
This would normally come out on the DVD, but as you know, DVDs don't sell any more because of catch-up and download things.
So you've never seen this before.
It's a gift, and it's from me to you.
Enjoy.
Are you gonna flip back to over there? I'll turn around, then.
George Clooney, he'd be good in it.
I don't know if I've got his phone number.
Do you know anyone who's got George Clooney's phone number? Right, Rambo, here we go.
Oh, don't wrap it up.
Have a little taste.
(LAUGHTER) Tell me, what do you think the contents are of the nappy? Or if you're American, a diaper.
One point for a little taste of the nappy.
This is awful.
Taste the crappy! Oh, fuck off, man! (LAUGHTER) This is so low.
That's horrible! Have a little taste.
Oh, my God! That's like That's not baby shit! That's like a man's shit! This is your shit! What do you think it is? (LAUGHS) I can't even look! Have a little taste.
Go on.
(RETCHES) It looks Have a taste.
I can't bear it! Oh, hang on.
You know what? If it wasn't in a nappy, it would be bloody lovely.
It's like melted chocolate.
What do you think it is? Maybe a Snickers.
That's correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Is it true, John, that once you came so hard, it blew your belt off? Oh, God.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna tell everybody that now! (LAUGHTER) Martin? Yeah? You've got a really famous brother, haven't you? Yeah.
You work alongside with him sometimes.
Yeah, most of my life.
And what do you think about all the stuff that he does with gangs? (APPLAUSE) I obviously wasn't listening properly.
I was like, 'Who am I on Celebrity Juice with?' and everyone thinks I'm on with Ross Kemp! You thought you were on with Ross Kemp.
Ross isn't here tonight.
Erm No.
But in homage to him not being here tonight, we're gonna play a game called 'Ross Kemp On Beans.
' (FARTING) (APPLAUSE) This is a simple game.
It basically does what it says on the tin.
You're gonna see a picture of some beans, and I want you to spot Ross Kemp within those beans.
There's a couple of red herrings in there that are not Ross Kemp, though.
Here he is.
Have a look.
(COUNTDOWN THEME) HOLLY: Oh.
How many Ross Kemps can you see there? Can you see 'em all? Holly, how many Ross - Well, this is weird, because I went a lot lower than Gino did.
(CHEERING) So good.
I think we need to go for about an 11, then.
Yeah, I'm gonna go for 15.
(LAUGHTER) But you can't just go for that.
I'm the team captain.
We're gonna go for seven.
Just this time, Gino.
Just this time, we're gonna go seven.
And if we're wrong It's fine.
.
.
then I'm sorry.
Seven.
Fearne's team? We've decided on 16.
16? Oh.
(LAUGHTER) Holly, if you're wrong, just to make Gino feel better about himself, will you just cup his balls? (LAUGHTER) No.
I can tell you that the answer was .
.
19! Point for Fearne's team! (APPLAUSE) I said to you there were more! Very sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Listen, it's er Cup the balls.
Cup his balls.
(LAUGHTER) Look at his face! She did! Oh.
Er Hello.
I'm just er busy preparing for the new show that I'm doing with Paddy McGuinness, which comes out in 2017.
Working title is The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, unless that is the title.
I've been told thumbs up, it is the title.
I'm preparing for it, then, by staring at the wall, which is a means of meditation.
You thought I was just staring at a wall.
Erm So whilst I continue meditating erm have a look at some more Celebrity Juice Unseen clips.
You should have just written a link, then I would have had a proper link instead of just staring at a wall.
In America, do you have crab sticks? No, I don't know what that is.
It's likesausage of the sea.
Sausage of the sea, innit? I don't think it's made of crabs, though.
That's what I was gonna ask.
It's like a sausage of the sea.
There is no crab in crab sticks.
There's no crab What are crabs made out of? Why are they called crab sticks if there's no crab in them? It's got a crab scent.
It's mainly pollock.
JOE: What, are crab sticks not made of crab?! It looks like crab.
It's got to be.
There is no crab in a crab stick.
It's mainly pollock.
You're watching ITV2.
We're debating what's the contents of a crab stick.
Two Become One.
Great! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Stop being shy! I'm not shy.
It's gonna look like you're fucking me up my arse.
(LAUGHTER) Sake It doesn't look anything like that! Yes, it does! Look! (LAUGHTER) Have you put a bit of timber on? You've put a bit of timber on.
Look at that there! You've put a bit of timber on, haven't you? Are you ready? Yeah.
(SIREN) Push! (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE CALLING OUT) AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Gino! Gino! Not too violent.
That's it.
That's it.
Come on! Sorry, it's going down.
(LAUGHTER) Go on.
This is the best you can do? Come on.
Go on, Gino! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Push! (SIREN) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We connected, didn't we? (MUMBLES) Clare Balding could do it, cos she's quite sporty, obviously.
She does have a bit (KNOCKING) Hello? Hey! Hey! Hey! Here I am! An hour and 40 minutes! Yeah.
My arse.
Trek.
You're here, anyway.
I'm just doing casting stuff for the show Oh, right.
Yeah.
Good.
.
.
that we've got on telly in 2017, The Keith And Paddy Picture Show on ITV.
Just They don't call it 1.
It's just ITV now, innit? What are you casting for? For when we do Dirty Dancing.
We're not No, I thought we were doing Top Gun.
No, I thought we were doing Dirty Dancing.
No.
Whoa! What are these doing here? Why have you always got a camera crew with you? Yeah, don't film this, cos we're not supposed to say what films we're doing.
What I'm doing is links for the unseen bits for Celebrity Juice at the same time as promoting our show which is on in 2017, The Keith And Paddy Picture Show.
Yeah.
On ITV.
Not 1, just ITV.
Yeah.
They don't call it 1 any more, do they? Good.
So I'm promoting that, but cleverly, doing another show where I'm showing unseen Juice bits.
Right, OK.
Do you want to say 'run VT' for it? No, I'm on a break.
See you in a bit.
All right, then.
Dirty Dancing, though.
Run VT.
It stands for 'videotape'.
Does that zip go all the way down? Yes.
By, you're fit.
But it's not going to.
It's really hot in here, but you're making me sweat even more.
Am I? Yeah, cos you've got the Mitchells there.
Well, they're (LAUGHTER) Lower it down, actually.
No.
Go on.
No.
Go on.
You've lowered yours a long way.
There's a lot of orange pubage going on.
(LAUGHTER) Is that pubes or is that chest hair? I don't know.
How you would you When do the pubes become pubes? I don't know.
But yours sort of merge all the way in, so I imagine they're all part of the same - Do you have pub or armpit hairs? Are they armpit hairs or pubes? It depends.
If there's not a break between there and there, that's gonna be pube.
They're not pubes.
Pubes are near your pubic region.
Jonathan, you don't exist yet! Oh, I'm sorry.
(LAUGHTER) They don't know that you're on! But I would like to talk about pubes.
There's more time for that later.
That's really the only reason I came.
We're calling him Dough Balls from now on.
Don't start with this dough ball thing.
Dough Balls! ALL: (CHANTING) Dough Balls! Dough Balls! Dough Balls! See you, stereo How do you say? Stereotype, yeah.
You stereotype just because I'm Italian - dough balls.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) And? Well, that's racist.
He's got you there, Keith.
We get the same thing about black men and big willies.
I hate it (!) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Name three items a witch might have.
A broom, a telescope and a A telescope? To look and see if anyone's coming.
(LAUGHTER) Hi.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice The Unseen Bits, where we're still backstage here at our new show entitled The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which is on telly in 2017 on ITV1.
It's gonna be a great show where me and Paddy recreate movies.
We're not allowed to tell you the movies, but it's gonna be fantastic.
We'll crush 'em down to half hour, just get the beef.
It's exciting.
Here at Elstree Studios where we're filming the show.
Why are you like this? We're here, we're doing Celebrity Juice.
We haven't even started the film show yet, and that's being done at Pinewood.
You've got all these scripts.
Look at that, there's nothing in 'em! They're blank.
Look, you've even got Celebrity Juice scripts amongst 'em.
You're just lying to the people.
I thought it would be good to promote the show.
It's a good vehicle.
Erm 'Will you do links for The Unseen Bits?' 'Yeah, if I can promote the new show me and Paddy are doing.
' I'm just trying to help us.
Sometimes, Paddy, I don't get where you're coming from.
You're a bit like fucking Gino.
(SIGHS) You are just awkward sometimes.
We're halfway through filming the show, The Keith And Paddy er Picture Show, and we're gonna fall out already, here - Just do your thing.
Whatever we're doing, just do it.
Here's some more unseen bits.
I just thought it would be a good thing to plug the show.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, here it is.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! Erm Er A shark? A blind shark? A shark in the dark! Yeah! (APPLAUSE) You got it! That was hard.
GINO: This game is fucking stupid.
(LAUGHTER) Drinking.
Licking.
Oh, it's a lizard! A lizard? A snake? An iguana? (LAUGHTER) Some Smoking weed.
Grass.
Grass.
A gra Iguana.
Something Something smoking weed.
Something An iguana smoking Weed.
Erm Smoking.
Iguana.
It rhymes.
Iguana smoking Marijuana! Yes! (APPLAUSE) Oh, here it comes.
Oh, yeah, look.
Ooh.
Holy shit, this is terrifying.
(COUGHS) A cough as well.
It's something Erm A pig? A pig? It looks like a pig.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Fearne, you're on telly, pretending to be a pig.
I'm not called Fearne, I'm an animal.
I'm, sorry.
(HOARSE) My name's Billy, actually.
Billy.
A goat! A goat.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Billy, that's my name.
A talking goat? Yeah.
A goat.
Erm (COUGHS) Oh, a goat with a A goat with a sore throat! Yes! (APPLAUSE) Why have you got a bruised willy? No, he's got it on a photo.
How can you bruise your willy? I don't Don't ask.
He was making a pizza like his mama used to make.
(LAUGHTER) No, it was one of those nights with my wife - Oh, God.
Let's just do the pizza story and leave it there.
The only concern I've got is obviously the willy is what does the damage.
So if you've got the bruise, what the fuck does her fanny look like? Like one of Johnny's rabbit ears.
(LAUGHTER) I'll show it to Johnny only.
(LAUGHTER) That's chafing.
That's not a bruise.
(LAUGHTER) Have a look at it.
I can't.
No, really.
font color= No, cos he's used an Action Man to make it look bigger.
That's not his real hand around it.
He's got a grip I can't Why have you taken a picture of your cock on you Because I sent her a text with a picture saying, 'You've beaten my poor willy.
Ouch.
' (LAUGHTER) Gino, what did she write back? 'Would you like to see a picture of my arsehole?' (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Happy Easter (!) What's going on with the chick pen? One of them's having a dump.
(GROANS) (LAUGHTER) Look.
Yeah, boy! That's sweet as! Chocolate eggs, brother! Well, we're almost coming to the end of Celebrity Juice Unseen.
We still haven't revealed some of the best of the unseen bits, where Holly gave me a toss off and Fearne Cotton spat on my dick.
Incredible times.
That's a shame.
Yes.
And don't forget to watch The Keith And Paddy Picture Show in 2017 on ITV.
It's just ITV, it's not ITV1.
It's gonna be fantastic.
Our favourite movies crushed down to half an hour.
Classic times, classic films.
Starring Adam Woodyatt He's not in it.
And Jennifer Lawrence.
They're not in it.
Might be.
Right, all we do now is wish 'em merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas! And a happy New Year! Word to your mum.
Peace out.
Let's get some mulled wine.
Come on.
Right.
If you just cut the bits out where he says that er we're not actually filming it.
Don't cut that.
It was good promotion.
(DOOR CLOSES) (JURASSIC PARK THEME) Steve? (STEPHEN HAWKING-LIKE VOICE) Hello, Keith.
Is it possible to swap a T-shirt with a Japanese businessman whilst holding his hand? And who do you want to do erm this experiment with? Jimmy Carr.
Jimmy Carr! (APPLAUSE) I love science.
You like science, don't you? It's cool, innit? It's cool.
It's great to learn.
Do you like Japanese businessmen? I love 'em, yeah.
Well, let's meet our Japanese businessman.
It's EG! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He's here.
Are you good? Yeah? Are you well? Are you well? Have you been doing business? Hai.
OK.
Right.
What you've got to do is hold hands.
Hold Put your briefcase down.
(LAUGHTER) And then we've got to swap - Have you two met before? (LAUGHTER) We've met before on this show, right? You have met before.
Let's have a look at the last time you two met.
Konnichiwa? (LAUGHTER) Er H-Hello.
How are you? I-I mean, I don't know.
Good luck with I don't know a lot about your culture, but that whole thing with Godzilla was a nightmare, wasn't it? Why would you do that? (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE GROANING) You freaky little fucker! What are you? I don't like it! So you know each other quite well.
Yeah, we know each other.
So all you've got to do is get the T-shirt onto you, but you've got to stay holding hands.
The T-shirt? Yeah.
This is for science, yeah? OK.
Are you ready? Yeah, sure.
(SIREN) Oh, OK.
Hand, hand, hand.
What? 'Hand, hand, hand'? Hand, hand, hand.
'Hand, hand, hand'? What does 'hand, hand, hand' mean? (LAUGHTER) Come on.
Is this how rough you are when you're making sweet love? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No! Yay! Straight away! # And I'm having the time of my life # And I never felt this way before # Yes, I swear, it's the truth # Jimmy Carr, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) EG! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is Joey Essex: The Halloween Quiz.
Light change.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? I'm always ready.
Come on.
Joey Essex, what noise does a ghost make? Ooo! It don't make a noise! It don't! Trick question! It's a trick question.
(LAUGHTER) It's a trick question, innit? Yeah.
What's the answer, then? Boo.
No.
Nope.
Nothing.
(GROWLS) Get out of my house.
(LAUGHTER) Joey, where do bats live? Caves.
That's correct.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I know about Batman.
Name three items a witch might have.
Erm A broom, a telescope and a (LAUGHTER) A telescope? To look and see if anyone's coming.
And a And a pumpkin.
(LAUGHTER) Can I take telescope? No, we can't take telescope.
Joey, what noise does a witch make? (CACKLES) (LAUGHTER) Correct.
Yeah! That was good.
Perfect.
Joey, if someone is possessed by an evil spirit, how do you get rid of it? Er Hit it (!) I don't know.
Weigh it.
Weigh it? Weigh it in.
Weigh it in? What is it again, by a poltergeist? If someone's possessed by an evil spirit, how do you get rid of it? Throw Throw water at it.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know, do I? I'm not a fucking priest.
Well, you know the answer, then.
What would a priest do? A priest.
A priest, like, chills it out.
(LAUGHTER) What does a priest do? A priest goes, 'Chill out, mate!' Yeah, so what are they doing? With a cross thing, like that.
But what are they doing? Getting rid of it.
'Fuck off.
' Sorry for swearing.
But what are they doing? What is it, their performance? Exorcist! So what are they doing? Exorcism.
Yes, correct.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Joey Essex.
You got some right.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you in your dreams!
We'll change them next series.
Holly Willoughbooby coming out of a giant clam.
Still got them bangers, boy.
Ooh-hoo! Fearne Cotton, who pretends to hate me but secretly wants my babies.
And there's Gino D'Acampo with a tiny willy! We're all in heaven, but we're not dead.
It's an over-elaborate metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best telly show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not 4K-ready.
What the fuck is 4K? Hooray for Hollywood Hi.
I'm not in Hollywood, I'm somewhere better.
I'm at Elstree Studios, where they filmed such classic films as Indiana Jones, Saving Private Ryan and Star Wars.
I'm not making a film myself, but I'm making a new telly show with Paddy McGuinness.
It's gonna be on telly in 2017.
Paddy's not here yet.
He's coming down from Bolton.
Anyway, they've asked me to do links for the Best Of Unseen Celebrity - it's unseen - Unseen Celebrity Juice, whilst we're working on this show, which is really exciting.
We're gonna recreate movies, squash 'em down to half hour.
The best thing I've ever done, apart from some of the unseen bits in Celebrity Juice, which I'm linking to now.
So here's the first chunk of them.
Enjoy! That went all right, didn't it? I said everything.
Now, recently on This Morning, someone gave you a special gift, didn't they? They gave you a painting.
Oh! Oh, God.
Tell us about the painting.
Yeah.
It was a man who came in erand his gift was that he painted with his penis.
(LAUGHTER) I walked in.
I thought I better say hello before he starts painting.
I walked in and he was already painting.
But he's got it like that.
He's rubbing it on the canvas.
It looks like a gnarly, callused old knob that he's rubbing on there.
And afterwards he presents it to you, and you're like, 'I don't want to touch that! It's got your knob wiped all over it.
' When you look at it, you can see bits of, 'Oh, that's his bell end there'.
He paints with his bollocks.
He paints with his arse.
Here's a picture of it.
Here's a picture of it.
(LAUGHTER) Does he use anything else other than paint? (AUDIENCE GROANING) I mean, look at your white teeth.
(LAUGHTER) It's like Barack Obama and Billie Piper, really.
Well, inspired by this, and because it's your ten-year anniversary, I've done a special painting for you, also.
Erm I haven't used my willy, cos I just think that's obtuse.
I used my anus.
Here's a picture of me.
(LAUGHTER) Here's a finished picture here.
(THIS IS YOUR LIFE THEME PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) Oh, listen.
I keep the knob one, you keep this one.
The eyes! I had a shower before I did it, so my arsehole was so sweet and clean.
Just smell it.
Smell it.
No! Ten years working together.
Well done.
What a lovely gift.
Thank you very much.
f (AS DANNY DYER) You fucking weasel tits! Oh, look! It's the Magical Sack.
What's in it? What? What's in it? You know what's in it.
What's in it? Is it letters? It is letters, as it happens, Donna the Dog.
Read the letter! I will do.
Read one! I will do, Don! I will do! Calm down! Piping up Can you read? Yeah, I'm a good readerer.
(LAUGHTER) No, honestly, read it.
Pipe down now, Donna, my life, cos I will clump you.
All rig (LAUGHTER) 'Dear Danny.
You are my hero.
' 'I drew a picture of you at school in break time.
I really hope you like it.
Jack, four years old, out of Uxbridge.
' Let's have a look at the picture.
Is that the picture? Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER) Have a look.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) I don't know if you can see ermwe've got a flat tyre.
You might think that's a rubbish joke, but it ain't funny.
It's not a joke.
I don't know if you got that take.
I mentioned me and Paddy are doing a show which comes out in 2017.
I mentioned that we're gonna recreate classic movies, squash 'em down to a half hour, I think.
I mentioned that I'm here to do script meetings and erm to do costume fitting.
Paddy's not here.
He's on his way down from Bolton.
I think I've mentioned everything.
I did tell you that this is Celebrity Juice Unseen, all the bits we couldn't fit in the show, sothe first link, they might have used.
They don't know yet.
But if they did, good.
This is me referring the first link, and me linking to the next bit of unseen bits of Celebrity Juice that we couldn't fit in.
Enjoy.
Are you good at sucking? (LAUGHTER) Seriously, though, are you any good at sucking? Gino, I'm on your team.
Remember that.
Give me something easy.
OK.
So, the next item.
(AUDIENCE GROANING) Oh, fuck that.
I heard that.
Someone's unstrapping something.
(AUDIENCE GROANING) OK, so a point for your team.
Don't move, cos you might run into trouble.
(LAUGHTER) Would you like to start with the tongue? That's me.
Would you like to start with the tongue and feel the item? Go on.
(CRIES OUT) Start with the tongue.
Start with the tongue.
Get your tongue out.
(CRIES OUT) No, no, it's OK.
It won't bite you.
(CRIES OUT) I can't! Oh, God.
Tongue out.
What is it? Just Is it You've got to guess.
I know.
That's the game.
Is it, like, a thing? (LAUGHTER) It's a thing.
It's a thing, or part of a thing.
Lick.
(CRIES OUT) It's your beard.
No, no.
No, it's not beard.
Would you like to suck it to make it better? Open.
(CRIES OUT) Oh, I can't! I can't! (APPLAUSE) Oh, my God! Stephanie, what do you think it is? Come back.
Don't come out of the picture, you might get lost.
A mouse.
A mouse? No, we would never do that.
You think it's a mouse? Is that your answer? Can I touch it with my finger? No.
Take off your blindfold.
There he is.
(LAUGHTER) Oh, my God.
I knew it was a beard.
It's not beard.
It came off his leg.
It was a plaster on his leg.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Well done, Stephanie Pratt! # La, la-la-la, la-la-la # La, la-la-la, la-la-la # Wan, wan, wan, wan wan, wan, wan, wan Wan, ker, ker, ker, ker, ker (CLEARS THROAT) Oh, hello.
I'm just warming up my voice.
That's what people in movies do, warm up their voice so they can do different voices and such.
I'm also having a bit of make-up put on for some of the filming that we're doing later on in the day.
Anyhow, Paddy is still not here.
He said it takes an hour and 40 to get here, but obviously that's wrong.
I don't know why he doesn't move to London.
Apparently it's 'too fast'.
I don't know what that means.
I'm not allowed to tell you some of the films that we are doing.
Don't tell me anything.
But I will give you some clues.
I'll just give 'em some clues.
One of the films we do involves ghosts and busting them.
Mm-hm? So whilst you're trying to work that out, here's some more erm Celebrity Juice Unseen Bits.
Don't worry, they'll never know it's Babe: Pig In The City.
No way, because I didn't even mention the pig, did I? I didn't.
No, I just said ghosts.
Red herrings.
Daisy, you do the catwalks, don't you? I do a bit of them, yeah.
Is there a specific walk that you have to do? Well, I think you're supposed to, but I don't.
Well, can you show us what you do do? What I do? Yeah, show us.
We've got a camera up here.
It's convenient.
Are you gonna do it? You want me to go first, then you follow? We need music.
/fo OK.
Go down to the bottom of the star and do what you do.
You're tall, aren't you? Yeah, I'm quite tall.
Wow! (LAUGHTER) Shall we just stand here blinking at each other? I'm taking (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) For later on.
So I think we'll have some music on and you show us what you do at a fashion show.
Go on, then.
# I'm too sexy for my shirt # Too sexy for my shirt # So sexy it hurts # I'm too sexy for Milan # Too sexy for Milan New York and Japan # Yeah.
Yeah? Yes! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) OK, now your turn.
Your walk was really sexy.
It's a strut.
Your bum was like this.
I can't It was really, like You want to see sexy? You want to see sexy? Go on, then.
Vegas, come here.
(LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Don't! AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Do it! Do it! Do it! For real.
If you play some Steptoe And Son music (LAUGHTER) What am I modelling? A T-shirt.
No, I meanin my head.
In my head.
Who's approached me and said, 'Only you can do this'? Who are you working for? Yeah.
Jeff Banks.
Jeff Banks, yeah.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? Wait! He made my wedding suit, bitch! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Can I have some music? Johnny Vegas.
# DESTINY'S CHILD: Bootylicious Oh, yes! All right, isn't he? Good.
Good.
It was all right, that! (CHEERING) That was good! That was good.
That was good.
I didn't actually have sex with Ruth cos she's married to Eamonn, but she told me all the things she can do with her magical minge.
Have you ever looked in the mirror and watched it go? (LAUGHTER) I know.
There are so many more things - Holly has! Holly has! Look at her face, Holly's! Holly, you're always like that with a mirror, aren't you? No, I'm That face was a face of Gino absolutely pissing himself.
Holly, have you ever looked at it in the mirror? Er Yeah.
Yes.
Have you really? Everybody should have a look.
You've got to know what's down there.
Oh, not contracting.
Yeah, you have.
You've got a mirror and sort of But also, I've done that thing.
I remember doing an own home wax once, and I only did that once.
Oh, never again.
So I had to check where everything was and What, where's the vagina? (LAUGHTER) No, whether I'd left I know it's in this massive muff somewhere.
Where is it? No.
So, yeah.
A home wax? Home wax.
Waxing your I actually used the strips, and it was so bloody painful I got in the bath and waited for them all to soak off.
I was like, 'I am not doing that again'.
I've seen your bush.
Those strips must have been like towels.
(LAUGHTER) (MIMICS WAXING) Your husband was like, 'Is that an aeroplane going across house'? 'Coming up after the break' Three orgasm faces.
(MOANS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) No! That's not true! That's impossible! Can you believe it? They've run out of baked potatoes in canteen.
That's all I eat as well.
Oh, hello.
I was just doing dialogue there from Luke Skywalker in Empire Strikes Back, when Luke finds out that Darth Vader's his father.
I know I'm dressed as Luke from Return Of The Jedi - a different outfit altogether - but that's no indication as to what film er myself and Paddy are doing in the Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which airs in 2017 on ITV.
Not 1, just ITV.
Oh, is? I think my penis is hanging out.
Actually, whilst I put my penis away, here's some more unseen bits from Celebrity Juice.
Emma, can you put it away? I don't know how.
No.
I'm just joking.
As if I'd let her put it away.
Can you put it away? I don't have to put up with her.
(APPLAUSE) If you're a young teenage boy and your parents have gone out, this is my gift to you.
(LAUGHTER) Three things a policeman might say? 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! (LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Why does it do that? I think it's a bit tired.
There it is.
(SHRIEKS) The element of surprise.
Three things you can stroke? A cat, a dog and a rat.
(APPLAUSE) A rat?! A rat?! You could stroke a rat! Three things you've stolen in the past? Pens, a book and a poster.
John, you look like you've had a wank that's gone out of control.
(LAUGHTER) My hips are killing me! Three things that are made of leather? Er A handbag, a belt and er a whip.
(LAUGHTER) HOLLY: John! Oh, matron! Oh! (LAUGHTER) Three different words for vagina? Er (BLEEP) vajay and er old lady's front door.
(APPLAUSE) Three orgasm faces.
(MOANS) (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) That's a cheeky one.
Three different faces you do when you are enjoying yourself? Poo face, come face, just-spent-a-lot-of-money face.
(APPLAUSE) Three things you put in your mouth but don't swallow? Spunk.
I don't know! (LAUGHTER) Started with spunk, and then my brain went, 'You're done.
You're done.
' Reggie, hit Bollie.
Hit him.
(PUNCHING SOUND EFFECT) Yeah.
Go again.
Careful, careful.
Yeah, again.
Yeah! Oh, again.
Do I get to hit him back? (LAUGHTER) Fearne and Holly, come to the middle and have a fight.
(CHEERING) Oh.
Oi-oi.
Remember your angle and where you're coming from so it looks real.
It depends where the Are you ready? You hit me first.
OK.
OK.
Ready? This is fun.
Yeah.
DANNY: Let's have a tear-up.
(PUNCHING SOUND EFFECT) Oh, sorry.
I haven't done it yet.
(WAH-WAH-WAH SOUND EFFECT) OK.
OK.
Ready? Yeah.
You fucking bitch.
Yes! That felt good.
Don't hit me, you motherfucker! Oh, my God! You hit me again! You bloody cow! Ooh! That was a slow-mo.
What was that? (LAUGHTER) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Now what? So now you've had a fight, you kiss and make up.
I know what's happening.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah.
Go on, kiss and make up.
We'll have a little hug.
Oh, sorry.
(ASCENDING-PITCH WHISTLE) That's the sound of my hard-on.
(LAUGHTER) (ASCENDING-PITCH WHISTLE) I just looked at Fearne.
(DESCENDING-PITCH WHISTLE) Hilarious (!) Johnny, you know when you masturbate and it's a speed one? Yeah.
Do you just think of dirty bitches that you would never go near? No, I put myself in positions that I know I'd never have the nerve to pull off.
(LAUGHTER) What sort of positions? Just me threatening a clown to do stuff.
(LAUGHS) In a hall of mirrors.
And I'm looking round, and there's a thin me and a really obese me, and there's a kind of 'woo' just going-in-like-an-hourglass me, and I'm just doing that, and I'm going, 'Hit it with a mallet!' (LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
Yeah, why not? But, you know, if you're on the Virgin train and they're going, 'We're now approaching Euston', you've got to get it off quick, haven't you? (LAUGHTER)/f (PANTING) Hi.
Just rehearsing for a scene that myself and Paddy McGuinness will be recreating in our new television show The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which airs on ITV1 in 2017.
I don't think they call it ITV1 any more, it's just ITV.
Watch it! That would never happen in Rocky.
(STAMMERS) Rocky from Mask, with Cher, where he had a big face, cos he don't train and he's not a boxer, and that's not the film Here's some more clips erm unseen from Celebrity Juice.
This is a link.
I spat when I said it, but no worries, we're keeping it real, and me and Paddy are not recreating Rocky in 2017 on The Keith And Paddy Picture Show.
Enjoy these clips.
I think I got out of that.
A little birdie tells me What little birdie? A little birdie.
Not so little, actually.
Eamonn Holmes (LAUGHTER) .
.
tells me you have the biggest penis on daytime TV.
HOLLY: Do you?! Yeah.
Holly is so excited.
You think you have the biggest penis on daytime television? No, Gino.
No.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Gino, I have actually seen yours.
(CHEERING) This was when we first won an NTA for This Morning, and you said if we won the NTA you'd cook naked.
Oh, yeah, I remember.
He did, yeah.
You cooked naked behind the counter, and obviously I'm behind the counter, and you were like, 'Have a look'.
I was like, 'I'm not looking!' I was like, 'All right, I'll look', and you had a little willy warmer on your willy.
(LAUGHTER) Actually, all these conversations are banal banter, because actually what Eamonn says is you are the biggest penis on telly.
(GROANS) Oh! (LAUGHTER) (ALL SINGING) # Happy birthday, dear Keith # Happy birthday to you # (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you.
As it's your birthday.
Come on.
Did you just do that off your own back? You kissed him on the lips? It's his birthday.
Should Fearne give me a birthday kiss? (CHEERING) Oh, we've done all this before and it never ends well, does it? (LAUGHTER) Pucker up! Have you eaten prawns? I've had some sushi.
(GROANS) I've caught London - I'm posh.
These are the rules.
There are boundaries.
Hey, that was like a nice sensitive moment with Holly.
It was nice.
What do you think I'm gonna do, grab your tits? I don't know.
You haven't got any.
(LAUGHTER) OK, you have.
It's gonna be quick.
Yeah, yeah.
Really fucking quick.
The mouth is to beis to remain very tightly shut.
Tight as a badger's spadge.
Absolutely.
(LAUGHTER) And if I even see a millimetre of that tongue Yeah?/font I will kick you in the bollocks.
I haven't got my tongue.
I don't have a tongue.
(LAUGHTER) I tell you what.
Put your foot Put your toe to touch my toe.
font color="#ffffff And you're gonna put the other leg back so you're doing a lunge.
font color="#fff We're literally gonna go like that, and it's gonna be arms behind back and there's no touching.
Whilst I'm kissing you, am I allowed to just do that sort of thing? (LAUGHTER) So I can take a photograph off of telly.
No, you don't need to do any of that.
It's just literally gonna be (MIMICS EXPLOSION) .
.
out, gone.
OK.
Come on, I'm sweating.
I'm gonna get a hard-on.
Three, two, one (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Yes, Paddy, I am wearing a Vivienne Westwood boiler suit.
How do you know, anyway? You can't even see me.
Cos you should have been here about an hour ago.
You said it takes an hour and 40 minutes.
No way does it take that.
No, you're late, man.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, I know.
(SCREAMS) Did you hear that? No, I'm not telling them what films we're doing on the Keith And Paddy Picture Show in 2017 on ITV1, I'm just giving them clues.
Yeah, I know it's ITVjust ITV, not ITV1.
Well, I'll call Get here soon.
I'm just doing links for Celebrity Juice Unseen.
All right.
See you in a bit.
Paddy on phone.
Here's some more Celebrity Juice Unseen Bits.
They won't be able to tell what film that was.
Did you put music on? Oh, well, they fucking will then.
In the words of Eamonn Holmes (AS EAMONN) What's the situation? Erm We're not like erm like, official.
What does that mean? We're working on it.
It's complicated.
Yeah.
Are you Are you erm? (LAUGHTER) No, because that, I mean No, that's the bit we're worki So So that'sthat's your regular, and that's your specials.
That's really just for birthdays.
It was actually my birthday yesterday, Jimmy.
Was it? Yeah.
Well, you can't do that and then go back in there.
/ That's a recipe for disaster.
I'll remember that.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why can you not go back? (LAUGHTER) Because Because onceonce you've been in there, you then must give it a rinse before you go back in there.
Oh, my God! Otherwise you might get a yeast infection.
/font Jimmy, you clean it off in her mouth, don't you? (AUDIENCE GROANING) Yes, you do.
Of course, yeah.
See? He's always He's always thinking.
FEARNE: Wow.
It's not often you hit a new low on this show.
(LAUGHTER) Coming up after the break It's gonna look like you're fucking me up my arse.
It doesn't look anything like that.
Yes, it does.
Look! (LAUGHTER) R-Right, then.
Erm I think I'll be playing Baby, because I'm more metrosexual than Paddy and I don't care about wearing a dress.
He's obviously gonna be Johnny.
Now, who do we cast for Penny? Well, Clare Balding's very sporty, and Jennifer Lawrence.
I'll leave it up to her.
She can do whatever she wants.
Oh, over-the-shoulder shot now, is it? Well, I'm just doing a bit of casting, cos that's the most important thing about recreating a movie for a programme entitled The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which airs in 2017 on ITV - just ITV, not ITV1.
Erm Casting can basically make or break a film, so it's very important getting it right.
Erm Gary Wilmot, he'll supply some diversity.
That's good.
I like Gary Wilmot.
And that'll do.
So ermwhilst I continue debating who's gonna be in the cast of the film that I haven't mentioned what it is - no, I don't think they'll get what it is - here's some more Celebrity Juice Unseen Bits.
This would normally come out on the DVD, but as you know, DVDs don't sell any more because of catch-up and download things.
So you've never seen this before.
It's a gift, and it's from me to you.
Enjoy.
Are you gonna flip back to over there? I'll turn around, then.
George Clooney, he'd be good in it.
I don't know if I've got his phone number.
Do you know anyone who's got George Clooney's phone number? Right, Rambo, here we go.
Oh, don't wrap it up.
Have a little taste.
(LAUGHTER) Tell me, what do you think the contents are of the nappy? Or if you're American, a diaper.
One point for a little taste of the nappy.
This is awful.
Taste the crappy! Oh, fuck off, man! (LAUGHTER) This is so low.
That's horrible! Have a little taste.
Oh, my God! That's like That's not baby shit! That's like a man's shit! This is your shit! What do you think it is? (LAUGHS) I can't even look! Have a little taste.
Go on.
(RETCHES) It looks Have a taste.
I can't bear it! Oh, hang on.
You know what? If it wasn't in a nappy, it would be bloody lovely.
It's like melted chocolate.
What do you think it is? Maybe a Snickers.
That's correct! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Is it true, John, that once you came so hard, it blew your belt off? Oh, God.
(LAUGHTER) I'm gonna tell everybody that now! (LAUGHTER) Martin? Yeah? You've got a really famous brother, haven't you? Yeah.
You work alongside with him sometimes.
Yeah, most of my life.
And what do you think about all the stuff that he does with gangs? (APPLAUSE) I obviously wasn't listening properly.
I was like, 'Who am I on Celebrity Juice with?' and everyone thinks I'm on with Ross Kemp! You thought you were on with Ross Kemp.
Ross isn't here tonight.
Erm No.
But in homage to him not being here tonight, we're gonna play a game called 'Ross Kemp On Beans.
' (FARTING) (APPLAUSE) This is a simple game.
It basically does what it says on the tin.
You're gonna see a picture of some beans, and I want you to spot Ross Kemp within those beans.
There's a couple of red herrings in there that are not Ross Kemp, though.
Here he is.
Have a look.
(COUNTDOWN THEME) HOLLY: Oh.
How many Ross Kemps can you see there? Can you see 'em all? Holly, how many Ross - Well, this is weird, because I went a lot lower than Gino did.
(CHEERING) So good.
I think we need to go for about an 11, then.
Yeah, I'm gonna go for 15.
(LAUGHTER) But you can't just go for that.
I'm the team captain.
We're gonna go for seven.
Just this time, Gino.
Just this time, we're gonna go seven.
And if we're wrong It's fine.
.
.
then I'm sorry.
Seven.
Fearne's team? We've decided on 16.
16? Oh.
(LAUGHTER) Holly, if you're wrong, just to make Gino feel better about himself, will you just cup his balls? (LAUGHTER) No.
I can tell you that the answer was .
.
19! Point for Fearne's team! (APPLAUSE) I said to you there were more! Very sorry.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Listen, it's er Cup the balls.
Cup his balls.
(LAUGHTER) Look at his face! She did! Oh.
Er Hello.
I'm just er busy preparing for the new show that I'm doing with Paddy McGuinness, which comes out in 2017.
Working title is The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, unless that is the title.
I've been told thumbs up, it is the title.
I'm preparing for it, then, by staring at the wall, which is a means of meditation.
You thought I was just staring at a wall.
Erm So whilst I continue meditating erm have a look at some more Celebrity Juice Unseen clips.
You should have just written a link, then I would have had a proper link instead of just staring at a wall.
In America, do you have crab sticks? No, I don't know what that is.
It's likesausage of the sea.
Sausage of the sea, innit? I don't think it's made of crabs, though.
That's what I was gonna ask.
It's like a sausage of the sea.
There is no crab in crab sticks.
There's no crab What are crabs made out of? Why are they called crab sticks if there's no crab in them? It's got a crab scent.
It's mainly pollock.
JOE: What, are crab sticks not made of crab?! It looks like crab.
It's got to be.
There is no crab in a crab stick.
It's mainly pollock.
You're watching ITV2.
We're debating what's the contents of a crab stick.
Two Become One.
Great! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Stop being shy! I'm not shy.
It's gonna look like you're fucking me up my arse.
(LAUGHTER) Sake It doesn't look anything like that! Yes, it does! Look! (LAUGHTER) Have you put a bit of timber on? You've put a bit of timber on.
Look at that there! You've put a bit of timber on, haven't you? Are you ready? Yeah.
(SIREN) Push! (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE CALLING OUT) AUDIENCE: (CHANTING) Gino! Gino! Not too violent.
That's it.
That's it.
Come on! Sorry, it's going down.
(LAUGHTER) Go on.
This is the best you can do? Come on.
Go on, Gino! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Push! (SIREN) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) We connected, didn't we? (MUMBLES) Clare Balding could do it, cos she's quite sporty, obviously.
She does have a bit (KNOCKING) Hello? Hey! Hey! Hey! Here I am! An hour and 40 minutes! Yeah.
My arse.
Trek.
You're here, anyway.
I'm just doing casting stuff for the show Oh, right.
Yeah.
Good.
.
.
that we've got on telly in 2017, The Keith And Paddy Picture Show on ITV.
Just They don't call it 1.
It's just ITV now, innit? What are you casting for? For when we do Dirty Dancing.
We're not No, I thought we were doing Top Gun.
No, I thought we were doing Dirty Dancing.
No.
Whoa! What are these doing here? Why have you always got a camera crew with you? Yeah, don't film this, cos we're not supposed to say what films we're doing.
What I'm doing is links for the unseen bits for Celebrity Juice at the same time as promoting our show which is on in 2017, The Keith And Paddy Picture Show.
Yeah.
On ITV.
Not 1, just ITV.
Yeah.
They don't call it 1 any more, do they? Good.
So I'm promoting that, but cleverly, doing another show where I'm showing unseen Juice bits.
Right, OK.
Do you want to say 'run VT' for it? No, I'm on a break.
See you in a bit.
All right, then.
Dirty Dancing, though.
Run VT.
It stands for 'videotape'.
Does that zip go all the way down? Yes.
By, you're fit.
But it's not going to.
It's really hot in here, but you're making me sweat even more.
Am I? Yeah, cos you've got the Mitchells there.
Well, they're (LAUGHTER) Lower it down, actually.
No.
Go on.
No.
Go on.
You've lowered yours a long way.
There's a lot of orange pubage going on.
(LAUGHTER) Is that pubes or is that chest hair? I don't know.
How you would you When do the pubes become pubes? I don't know.
But yours sort of merge all the way in, so I imagine they're all part of the same - Do you have pub or armpit hairs? Are they armpit hairs or pubes? It depends.
If there's not a break between there and there, that's gonna be pube.
They're not pubes.
Pubes are near your pubic region.
Jonathan, you don't exist yet! Oh, I'm sorry.
(LAUGHTER) They don't know that you're on! But I would like to talk about pubes.
There's more time for that later.
That's really the only reason I came.
We're calling him Dough Balls from now on.
Don't start with this dough ball thing.
Dough Balls! ALL: (CHANTING) Dough Balls! Dough Balls! Dough Balls! See you, stereo How do you say? Stereotype, yeah.
You stereotype just because I'm Italian - dough balls.
Yes.
(LAUGHTER) And? Well, that's racist.
He's got you there, Keith.
We get the same thing about black men and big willies.
I hate it (!) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Coming up after the break Name three items a witch might have.
A broom, a telescope and a A telescope? To look and see if anyone's coming.
(LAUGHTER) Hi.
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice The Unseen Bits, where we're still backstage here at our new show entitled The Keith And Paddy Picture Show, which is on telly in 2017 on ITV1.
It's gonna be a great show where me and Paddy recreate movies.
We're not allowed to tell you the movies, but it's gonna be fantastic.
We'll crush 'em down to half hour, just get the beef.
It's exciting.
Here at Elstree Studios where we're filming the show.
Why are you like this? We're here, we're doing Celebrity Juice.
We haven't even started the film show yet, and that's being done at Pinewood.
You've got all these scripts.
Look at that, there's nothing in 'em! They're blank.
Look, you've even got Celebrity Juice scripts amongst 'em.
You're just lying to the people.
I thought it would be good to promote the show.
It's a good vehicle.
Erm 'Will you do links for The Unseen Bits?' 'Yeah, if I can promote the new show me and Paddy are doing.
' I'm just trying to help us.
Sometimes, Paddy, I don't get where you're coming from.
You're a bit like fucking Gino.
(SIGHS) You are just awkward sometimes.
We're halfway through filming the show, The Keith And Paddy er Picture Show, and we're gonna fall out already, here - Just do your thing.
Whatever we're doing, just do it.
Here's some more unseen bits.
I just thought it would be a good thing to plug the show.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Oh, here it is.
(LAUGHTER) Oh! Erm Er A shark? A blind shark? A shark in the dark! Yeah! (APPLAUSE) You got it! That was hard.
GINO: This game is fucking stupid.
(LAUGHTER) Drinking.
Licking.
Oh, it's a lizard! A lizard? A snake? An iguana? (LAUGHTER) Some Smoking weed.
Grass.
Grass.
A gra Iguana.
Something Something smoking weed.
Something An iguana smoking Weed.
Erm Smoking.
Iguana.
It rhymes.
Iguana smoking Marijuana! Yes! (APPLAUSE) Oh, here it comes.
Oh, yeah, look.
Ooh.
Holy shit, this is terrifying.
(COUGHS) A cough as well.
It's something Erm A pig? A pig? It looks like a pig.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE) Fearne, you're on telly, pretending to be a pig.
I'm not called Fearne, I'm an animal.
I'm, sorry.
(HOARSE) My name's Billy, actually.
Billy.
A goat! A goat.
Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Billy, that's my name.
A talking goat? Yeah.
A goat.
Erm (COUGHS) Oh, a goat with a A goat with a sore throat! Yes! (APPLAUSE) Why have you got a bruised willy? No, he's got it on a photo.
How can you bruise your willy? I don't Don't ask.
He was making a pizza like his mama used to make.
(LAUGHTER) No, it was one of those nights with my wife - Oh, God.
Let's just do the pizza story and leave it there.
The only concern I've got is obviously the willy is what does the damage.
So if you've got the bruise, what the fuck does her fanny look like? Like one of Johnny's rabbit ears.
(LAUGHTER) I'll show it to Johnny only.
(LAUGHTER) That's chafing.
That's not a bruise.
(LAUGHTER) Have a look at it.
I can't.
No, really.
font color= No, cos he's used an Action Man to make it look bigger.
That's not his real hand around it.
He's got a grip I can't Why have you taken a picture of your cock on you Because I sent her a text with a picture saying, 'You've beaten my poor willy.
Ouch.
' (LAUGHTER) Gino, what did she write back? 'Would you like to see a picture of my arsehole?' (LAUGHTER) Oh, my God! Happy Easter (!) What's going on with the chick pen? One of them's having a dump.
(GROANS) (LAUGHTER) Look.
Yeah, boy! That's sweet as! Chocolate eggs, brother! Well, we're almost coming to the end of Celebrity Juice Unseen.
We still haven't revealed some of the best of the unseen bits, where Holly gave me a toss off and Fearne Cotton spat on my dick.
Incredible times.
That's a shame.
Yes.
And don't forget to watch The Keith And Paddy Picture Show in 2017 on ITV.
It's just ITV, it's not ITV1.
It's gonna be fantastic.
Our favourite movies crushed down to half an hour.
Classic times, classic films.
Starring Adam Woodyatt He's not in it.
And Jennifer Lawrence.
They're not in it.
Might be.
Right, all we do now is wish 'em merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas! And a happy New Year! Word to your mum.
Peace out.
Let's get some mulled wine.
Come on.
Right.
If you just cut the bits out where he says that er we're not actually filming it.
Don't cut that.
It was good promotion.
(DOOR CLOSES) (JURASSIC PARK THEME) Steve? (STEPHEN HAWKING-LIKE VOICE) Hello, Keith.
Is it possible to swap a T-shirt with a Japanese businessman whilst holding his hand? And who do you want to do erm this experiment with? Jimmy Carr.
Jimmy Carr! (APPLAUSE) I love science.
You like science, don't you? It's cool, innit? It's cool.
It's great to learn.
Do you like Japanese businessmen? I love 'em, yeah.
Well, let's meet our Japanese businessman.
It's EG! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) He's here.
Are you good? Yeah? Are you well? Are you well? Have you been doing business? Hai.
OK.
Right.
What you've got to do is hold hands.
Hold Put your briefcase down.
(LAUGHTER) And then we've got to swap - Have you two met before? (LAUGHTER) We've met before on this show, right? You have met before.
Let's have a look at the last time you two met.
Konnichiwa? (LAUGHTER) Er H-Hello.
How are you? I-I mean, I don't know.
Good luck with I don't know a lot about your culture, but that whole thing with Godzilla was a nightmare, wasn't it? Why would you do that? (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE GROANING) You freaky little fucker! What are you? I don't like it! So you know each other quite well.
Yeah, we know each other.
So all you've got to do is get the T-shirt onto you, but you've got to stay holding hands.
The T-shirt? Yeah.
This is for science, yeah? OK.
Are you ready? Yeah, sure.
(SIREN) Oh, OK.
Hand, hand, hand.
What? 'Hand, hand, hand'? Hand, hand, hand.
'Hand, hand, hand'? What does 'hand, hand, hand' mean? (LAUGHTER) Come on.
Is this how rough you are when you're making sweet love? (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) No! Yay! Straight away! # And I'm having the time of my life # And I never felt this way before # Yes, I swear, it's the truth # Jimmy Carr, everyone! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) EG! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) This is Joey Essex: The Halloween Quiz.
Light change.
(LAUGHTER) Are you ready? I'm always ready.
Come on.
Joey Essex, what noise does a ghost make? Ooo! It don't make a noise! It don't! Trick question! It's a trick question.
(LAUGHTER) It's a trick question, innit? Yeah.
What's the answer, then? Boo.
No.
Nope.
Nothing.
(GROWLS) Get out of my house.
(LAUGHTER) Joey, where do bats live? Caves.
That's correct.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) I know about Batman.
Name three items a witch might have.
Erm A broom, a telescope and a (LAUGHTER) A telescope? To look and see if anyone's coming.
And a And a pumpkin.
(LAUGHTER) Can I take telescope? No, we can't take telescope.
Joey, what noise does a witch make? (CACKLES) (LAUGHTER) Correct.
Yeah! That was good.
Perfect.
Joey, if someone is possessed by an evil spirit, how do you get rid of it? Er Hit it (!) I don't know.
Weigh it.
Weigh it? Weigh it in.
Weigh it in? What is it again, by a poltergeist? If someone's possessed by an evil spirit, how do you get rid of it? Throw Throw water at it.
(LAUGHTER) I don't know, do I? I'm not a fucking priest.
Well, you know the answer, then.
What would a priest do? A priest.
A priest, like, chills it out.
(LAUGHTER) What does a priest do? A priest goes, 'Chill out, mate!' Yeah, so what are they doing? With a cross thing, like that.
But what are they doing? Getting rid of it.
'Fuck off.
' Sorry for swearing.
But what are they doing? What is it, their performance? Exorcist! So what are they doing? Exorcism.
Yes, correct.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Well done, Joey Essex.
You got some right.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week, I'll see you in your dreams!