Celebrity Juice (2008) s17e02 Episode Script
Pamela Anderson, Jimmy Carr, Will Mellor
I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out my new, sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck'? Don't worry.
It's just another overelaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
Look! Holly Willoughboozy, firing space lasers from her massive tits.
Fearne Cotton, riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
Gino D'Acampo, firing dough balls.
Here we are, taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew! Made it to t'studio just in time for the best show on telly.
What's that telly show? Celebrity Juice.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were though.
(CHEERING) Hurrah! (AUDIENCE STAMP FEET) Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
We've got some awesome guests.
Before we meet them, let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willoughbilly! 'Willoughbilly'? That's new.
Holly Willoughbill-lil-lil-lil.
Don't start! You are looking so night-time.
Thanks.
That's a good thing.
Night-time is the right time, hot baby! Thank you.
You all right? Really good.
You OK? Yeah.
I like your top.
I borrowed my mum's blouse.
You might, at home, see my nipples, so what I've done, because they have make-up artists here, I've had them enhanced so now they look like black puddings.
Would you like some Guinness? Oh! Who's on your team? On my right, he's absolutely fantastico, it is Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! And on my left, she is Baywatch royalty, it's the one and only Pamela Anderson.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) This is Pamela Anderson if it wasn't so hot - it's Fearne Cotton! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Who's on your team? On my left is the hardest-working comedian in show business, Jimmy Carr.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And on my right, the legend that is Will Mellor.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Strong.
Pamela Anderson, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) This is probably the third time you've been on.
I keep coming back.
I love you, you're funny.
Say that again.
/font I like your nipples.
HOLLY: Wow! Pamela Anderson likes my nipples.
Everyone at school who said I couldn't pull cos I've got ginger hair and pubes, fuck you.
Pamela, I like your nipples too.
Thank you.
Last time, Gino was trying to impress you.
We went on a date.
It was tragic.
That's right.
I showed a strong bond over our shared love for animals.
Yes.
Remember? I rescued a cat.
That was fake, he wasn't a real cat.
There was a cat being hassled by some naughty men, and I saved it.
If there was ever an animal in distress No regard for my safety, I would do the best.
I know.
(SQUEALING) What's that? An animal in distress.
Let's cut to outside! Aw! That's the road! (SQUEAKING) Oh, no! There's a bastard in a white van.
What's possibly going to happen? I'm going to go save it! # BONNIE TYLER: Holding Out For A Hero (TYRES SQUEAL, THUD) No-o-o! Bastard! Oh, poor baby! Don't worry, I'll try and bring you back.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) # ELTON JOHN: Circle Of Life Bless you and everyone.
# DES'REE: Life (CHEERING) (NEEDLE SCRATCHES OFF RECORD) Love animals.
Can I point out that it was sunshine outside, and it's nine o'clock at night? How did you go out there with the sunshine when it's nine o'clock? That is fake, like the fucking I'm impressed.
She knows she's impressed.
That was a good start.
So fuck you.
(LAUGHTER) Pamela, to me, you'll always be the ultimate pin-up.
There's a still of you Oh, dear.
.
.
from back in the day.
But you're not the only sexy pin-up.
Look at that sexy bastard.
Oh, for God's sake! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You've got a lot of pubes.
Not now! That was in the days before I'd worked out you're supposed to trim.
Chest hair, belly button, pubes, a tiny bridge of skin.
You trim down, then? Shave it, yeah.
If you don't, does it look like a midget's thumb poking through a bush? You hairy fucker! You've got a hairy arse, we've seen it.
No offence, but your arse does look like a badger that's been hit with a shotgun.
I mean that with love.
Jimmy, what's this message all about? (LAUGHTER) Er I was trying to see You look like Catherine Zeta-Jones before she went to Hollywood.
How old were you? I reckon, 15.
Aw, Jimmy! You say that.
I was doing a lot of finger blasting when I was 15.
It's Will Mellor, everyone! (CHEERING) The man who invented acting.
He brought acting to the UK.
The British answer to Robert De Niro.
There he is.
Do you know who Will Mellor is? No.
You don't know? He looks like Gerard Butler.
Gerard Butler! That's not bad, take that.
Thank you very much.
Brilliant actor, very successful.
Do you know Broadchurch? No.
Massive show.
You were in just the first series, weren't you? Yeah.
You got killed? No, I didn't! You got wrote out? No, they just didn't ask me back for series 2 and 3.
Line Of Duty, another massive show.
Line Of Duty, yeah.
I got killed in Line Of Duty.
You're the UK's answer to Will Smith, cos you sing as well.
Yeah.
Would you like to see him sing? Yes, yes.
We can't show his videos cos we've showed them all before, unless Pamela wants to see them.
No! Fuck off.
I DO want to see.
Run VT.
Let's have a look at his videos.
# Even though I try # To tell myself # I'll get over you # You're on my mind no matter what I do # Somewhere in my heart # I'm still holding you # You're still inside # No matter what I do # Look at that tash! It never fails, it never fails.
(CHEERING) Jimmy, do you like sport? I like tennis a lot, that's my You do play.
Have you heard they're bringing back an ancient sport for the Olympics in Tokyo in 2020? I haven't, no.
Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon.
An ancient-Greek sport they're bring back, and we've got the apparatus to play it.
Are we going to? Let's play.
Welcome to the ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon.
As you can see, we've got Jimmy Carr here.
Keep your hands on the horses at the side.
That's it - get ready, chalk up.
Hit the bar as many times as you can Here's my technique.
.
.
within 30 seconds.
Pamela will be recording your whacks.
Are you ready? Oh, yeah, so ready.
Here's the beeps.
Go, Jimmy! Go! Jesus! We're on telly! Christ! We're on telly.
Pamela, watch me! It's not the same if you don't watch.
I like it when you watch.
Watch it.
It's so hard! It's so bloody hard.
Faster, Jimmy, faster! Pick up the pace! You're running out of time.
I'm not bothered.
I think I'm going to come.
I think I'm going to come! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Is that it, are we done? Keep going.
How are you feeling about that? I've got an actual penis under this one, and it took a bloody battering.
Let's have a look at slo-mo.
Look at the technique.
Oh, that is the dream.
Oh! Can you reveal how many Jimmy got? 51! (CHEERING) Next up is Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING) We've now got Gino D'Acampo here.
Pamela, could you help me take the strap-on off? No.
You're always like that afterwards.
I can tell you that Jimmy has the world record at the moment.
How do you feel about that? Pretty good.
I wish Gino all the best, but for Pamela's safety, Gino should wear a condom on his.
He don't need a condom, cos he's had the snip.
Oh, yeah.
'The best thing I ever do in my life, the best thing I ever do'.
When you bisect me doesn't mean that you don't spam out.
How do you say? (LAUGHTER) How do you say? You don't spam out? You still spam out, but they're not alive, like, 'Ooh'! 'Ooh'? 'Where am I going'? Gino, you know what you're doing? I will use a different technique, not the English technique, because we all know it's - bam, bam, bam - nothing happens.
I'm using the Italian technique, I'm going to go for the arsehole.
(BLIPS) Oh! HOLLY: I hope he's eager.
(LAUGHTER) I think he's dead.
Shut up! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Is it there? You rub it on the clitosis.
(KLAXON) And then - bang! That's it, that's it! Time's up.
Pamela, how many was that? 14! 14 good ones.
14 good ones.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Tell me the truth - looking at the action, which one would you fuck? I can't say.
Thank you.
And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hurrah! Welcome back.
Have any of you heard about that underground fighting craze the kids are doing? ALL: No.
Fighting underground? It's called Battle Chips.
Battle Chips? Not heard this.
Want to play? Yeah.
I'll tell you how it goes.
You'll be in a circle, you won't be able to leave.
Right.
Whilst you're in the circle, you have chips up your nostrils.
Wait a minute, I'm already at a disadvantage here.
Yes, you are.
Having big nostrils might be good, they might fall out.
I've got a lot of tension I can act on.
No offence to Fearne, but she could play this with baguettes.
We thought about Fearne's nostrils, so we've had special chips made.
She'll be playing with these.
Perfect.
I'm joking.
Stuff the chips up your nostrils, hands behind your back.
You have to get the chips from your opponent's nose whilst protecting your own chips.
OK.
Let's play! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello, and welcome to Battle Chips.
Playing Battle Chips tonight is none other than Holly Willoughby! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) She will be playing against Fearne Cotton! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) Look how far yours has gone up.
Oh, fuck off! Ladies, stop arguing.
Deal with it.
The fight can only happen when you enter my ring.
Into the ring.
It keeps falling out of my nose.
Hands behind your backs.
Who's got the wider nostrils now, eh? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Don't! 3, 2, 1.
Hang on.
They're coming out! (KLAXON) I can't get them to stay! Go! The klaxon's gone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Clever chops is the winner! That is so difficult! Teenaged boys at home, this is my gift to you - get some tissues, enjoy.
Next up, Will Mellor and Gino D'Acampo! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino, you can do it the Italian way - up the arse.
(LAUGHTER) Stay in the circle, hands behind your back.
Get the chips out of your opponent's nose.
If you eat the chip, you'll get an extra point.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) Really? I dig Italian snot.
PAMELA: Don't do it.
Pick your chips carefully.
Look how short your chips are! That's one chip.
Did you say something about the length of the chip? What? (LAUGHTER) OK, playing Battle Chips tonight is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! .
.
against Will Mellor! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You'll go on the klaxon.
Enter the circle.
Are you ready? They're going! (KLAXON) Keep in the circle, keep in the circle.
(LAUGHTER) Keep in the circle, Mellor, in the circle! In the circle.
I'm staying in the circle! I'm not doing bad at this.
Get back in there! AUDIENCE: Oh! Fourth one, fourth one.
I'll get it out.
In the circle.
Where's he gone?! (LAUGHTER) Keep in the circle! Oi! HOLLY: Put a dog in there.
In the circle.
Oh, fucking hell! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Gino D'Acampo has won! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! We've finished that round, but for a bit of fun, I want to have a go.
The person I'm challenging, if they beat me, get a point for their team.
Jimmy Carr! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Too easy, too easy.
Please, sir, choose your weapons.
I'll have that one.
That's a good chip.
Go short and fat, Jimmy - short and fat.
Short and fat is what I'm working with, baby.
Yeah.
This fucking stinks.
Can anyone smell chips? (LAUGHS) Pamela, do t'smoke, in showers.
OK.
My name's Keith.
This is really heavy.
He's called Jimmy.
Press it there.
I unplugged it.
Like a wrestling referee.
OK.
Keith and Ji (LAUGHTER) You don't need to pump.
Keith and Jimmy Keith Lemon.
Keith Lemon and Jimmy Carr.
Go, 'Keith Lemon'! and spray it.
It doesn't happen.
Press it.
That happens to a lot of guys.
(LAUGHTER) It's heavy.
I'll do the spray.
Keith Lemon and Jimmy Carr.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Are you ready? You ready? (KLAXON) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT) AUDIENCE: Oh! Oh, you can lick 'em, but you can't get 'em.
Lick away! I like it when you lick.
You bastard! You bastard! (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) Fuck! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You don't get the point, but I enjoyed myself.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Fearne, have you ever been in a supermarket and looked at an aubergine, but forgotten what they're called, so you've had to mime when you say, 'I'd like one of those'? Funnily enough, no.
I've maybe forgotten but I haven't mimed.
Just say, 'Yes, I have'.
You know what? I do that all the time.
Well, you'll love this next game.
Let's play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Can Sarah come to Aisle 17, please? Hello, welcome to Zaynsbury's.
I work here.
This is the reasonably priced supermarket founded by Zayn Malik from One Direction when he left.
He wanted to be normal, so he opened a supermarket.
I love working here, it's a dream.
First of all, I'll have to get a panellist.
Hello, hello? Can Jimmy Carr come to the till, please? Jimmy Carr, to the till.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It's all right, yeah.
This game is simple.
We'll have a panellist inside a 5p bag.
They have to convey an everyday item from a supermarket using only the power of mime.
You guess what that item is.
Easy.
Right, cool.
(BEEP) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) (LAUGHTER) There he is! OK.
Let's see if you can guess what item he is.
Jambo from Hollyoaks.
Rotisserie chicken.
(MAKES POPPING SOUNDS) OK, so he's sticking onto something.
(POPS) Did you go to drama school, did you? (POPS) It's really paid off, innit? Microwave.
(POPS) Popcorn! Popcorn.
Microwave popcorn.
Popcorn.
Good! It's really good.
Get back in the bag.
Careful, or that's going to be a bag for life, mate.
He looks happy in there.
We've got an unexpected item in the bagging area again.
(BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
I think he's trying to seduce me.
What can he be? I still think it's Jambo from Hollyoaks.
(GRUNTS) (LAUGHTER) (GRUNTS) A biscuit.
A frisbee.
A frisbee? A frisbee.
That's I mean This man, this man is an actor.
Sounds like there's an unexpected item in the bagging area.
(BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) Is it one of the Dolmio puppets? (LAUGHTER) The Human Centipede.
No.
A butt plug? Yes.
You were supposed to be a bath plug.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Get back in.
Hey, we've got another unexpected item in the bagging area.
(BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Woo! Pssh! Shower gel? (POPS) I'm saying, shower something.
(LAUGHTER) Are you sucking a cock? It looks It looks a little like you (POPS) Yeah, it's erect.
It's popping off.
Whoa! It's going everywhere.
God, It's all over you, like bukkake.
(LAUGHTER) Champagne.
Yes! Champagne! Yes.
Don't shout out! I was enjoying that.
That was being stored away.
There's another unexpected item in the bagging area.
Oh! (BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) (LAUGHS) It's your laugh, in a bag! (WAILS AND CACKLES) I think Holly's just come.
(LAUGHTER) (SNORTS) What happened in there? Wow! This is my job.
Bear with.
Oh, this is good.
Ssh! Ssh! Holly, be careful your spadge don't fall out.
Wsht, wsht! Look what Fearne can see now.
I can confirm, she has got a massive bush.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Oi! Wsht, wsht, wsht! Is it a vacuum cleaner? Sweep Sweeping Triangle.
What? Any guesses? Hey, you watch her down there.
Right, ready? Wsht, wsht, wsht.
Is it a dustpan and brush? Yes! I was being a dustpan.
Sure.
And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break.
See after t'advertisements.
Coming up I look like you in 2017.
We look alike.
We could be brothers.
Now, but you were fucking ugly in 2002.
/font (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello! Welcome back.
You having a good time? Jimmy, you're back with an oldie but goldie, Your Face Or Mine.
The first show.
You know when people say, 'I wish I could have my career again'? I'm doing it.
Tell us how it works.
You come on with your other half You come on your other half? That was my original idea.
Come on with your other half, then we bring on his ex-girlfriends, and he tells us, for money, if they're better-looking than you.
It sounds bad, but it gets so much worse.
Does it end in arguments? There's been some amazing moments, where we brought on the ex-girlfriend, and she's gone, 'I thought, until you called, I was the girlfriend'.
Oh, my God! In homage, we've got a picture of you back in 2002 when you did Your Face Or Mine and a picture of you now.
We asked our audience Cool! .
.
which version of Jimmy Carr did they prefer.
There you are in 2002.
You look pale there, don't you? I was You look like you were in that fucking vampire film.
Thanks God you were a comedian.
Say that again.
I said, thanks God you were funny, because 'Thanks God'? I look like you in 2017! We look alike, we could be brothers.
Yeah, now, but you was fucking ugly in 2002.
(LAUGHTER) Come on! Are you going for 2017? I'm going for 2017.
Yes, please.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm very pleased.
My wife fancies you.
What did you say? 'Mah waff sasassa su'.
Maybe you can hold the camcorder while I do her.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) There's all to play for in our final round.
It's The Buzzer Round! Ooh! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer? BUZZER: Check out dem titties.
Titties, because you indeed have tits and he IS one.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: Bell end! You've all got bell ends.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
Here's the first question.
Who is Kristen Stewart impersonating here? BUZZER: The big, fat hairy cock's going to get me.
Fearne's team? Eminem.
It is a bit Eminem.
No, Jambo from Hollyoaks.
Let's have a look.
Oh, yes! There you go.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) An inspired look.
What has Rochelle Humes recently had framed? BUZZER: Massive fucking tits.
No, she hasn't.
She had her umbilical cord framed in the word 'love'.
When they do that, does that mean, when the umbilical cord comes out, she has to draw the word 'love'? No, they just snip it, then they just Do we have a picture of it? There it is.
(HOWLS) (RETCHES) It's nice to have a memento of the day, but I think, just keep the kid.
(LAUGHTER) You've got a point.
Sensible.
What has Ed Sheeran said he hasn't done for five years? BUZZER: Knob! Is it, open the fridge, cos he's worried about sunburn? BUZZER: Look at dem breasticles, boy.
Didn't he say he hadn't been angry for five years? Correct.
He hasn't got angry for five years.
What did Fearne recently reveal she did not change for a week? BUZZER: Bell end! Jock strap? Real close.
Close to your jock strap? Underpants.
For a week? I was climbing a mountain.
You dirty bitch! Nobody did! Cheryl Cole didn't, Gary Barlow didn't.
But I imagine they've got a clean undercarriage.
Mine's clean as a whistle! I bet they had to take it off with a toffee hammer.
What's the weirdest sound Will Mellor can make? BUZZER: Me dangly pipe! (SQUEAKS) (GASPS) What the Sellotape.
JIMMY: Do that, do that.
The answer is sticky tape? I'd say, yes.
That's correct.
(KLAXON) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is It must be us.
(AS GINO) It must be us, it must be us.
The winning team is .
.
Holly's team! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon, and if I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! # JIMI JAMISON: I'm Always Here Bye! Bye, Pamela! Bye, now! ALL: Bye!
Check out my new, sweet-ass titles.
You're probably thinking, 'What the fuck'? Don't worry.
It's just another overelaborate metaphor for how rad this show is.
Look! Holly Willoughboozy, firing space lasers from her massive tits.
Fearne Cotton, riding a cock-shaped spaceship.
Gino D'Acampo, firing dough balls.
Here we are, taking a selfie.
Online presence! Phew! Made it to t'studio just in time for the best show on telly.
What's that telly show? Celebrity Juice.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were though.
(CHEERING) Hurrah! (AUDIENCE STAMP FEET) Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
We've got some awesome guests.
Before we meet them, let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willoughbilly! 'Willoughbilly'? That's new.
Holly Willoughbill-lil-lil-lil.
Don't start! You are looking so night-time.
Thanks.
That's a good thing.
Night-time is the right time, hot baby! Thank you.
You all right? Really good.
You OK? Yeah.
I like your top.
I borrowed my mum's blouse.
You might, at home, see my nipples, so what I've done, because they have make-up artists here, I've had them enhanced so now they look like black puddings.
Would you like some Guinness? Oh! Who's on your team? On my right, he's absolutely fantastico, it is Gino! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! Gino! And on my left, she is Baywatch royalty, it's the one and only Pamela Anderson.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) This is Pamela Anderson if it wasn't so hot - it's Fearne Cotton! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Who's on your team? On my left is the hardest-working comedian in show business, Jimmy Carr.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) And on my right, the legend that is Will Mellor.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Strong.
Pamela Anderson, everyone! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) This is probably the third time you've been on.
I keep coming back.
I love you, you're funny.
Say that again.
/font I like your nipples.
HOLLY: Wow! Pamela Anderson likes my nipples.
Everyone at school who said I couldn't pull cos I've got ginger hair and pubes, fuck you.
Pamela, I like your nipples too.
Thank you.
Last time, Gino was trying to impress you.
We went on a date.
It was tragic.
That's right.
I showed a strong bond over our shared love for animals.
Yes.
Remember? I rescued a cat.
That was fake, he wasn't a real cat.
There was a cat being hassled by some naughty men, and I saved it.
If there was ever an animal in distress No regard for my safety, I would do the best.
I know.
(SQUEALING) What's that? An animal in distress.
Let's cut to outside! Aw! That's the road! (SQUEAKING) Oh, no! There's a bastard in a white van.
What's possibly going to happen? I'm going to go save it! # BONNIE TYLER: Holding Out For A Hero (TYRES SQUEAL, THUD) No-o-o! Bastard! Oh, poor baby! Don't worry, I'll try and bring you back.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) # ELTON JOHN: Circle Of Life Bless you and everyone.
# DES'REE: Life (CHEERING) (NEEDLE SCRATCHES OFF RECORD) Love animals.
Can I point out that it was sunshine outside, and it's nine o'clock at night? How did you go out there with the sunshine when it's nine o'clock? That is fake, like the fucking I'm impressed.
She knows she's impressed.
That was a good start.
So fuck you.
(LAUGHTER) Pamela, to me, you'll always be the ultimate pin-up.
There's a still of you Oh, dear.
.
.
from back in the day.
But you're not the only sexy pin-up.
Look at that sexy bastard.
Oh, for God's sake! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You've got a lot of pubes.
Not now! That was in the days before I'd worked out you're supposed to trim.
Chest hair, belly button, pubes, a tiny bridge of skin.
You trim down, then? Shave it, yeah.
If you don't, does it look like a midget's thumb poking through a bush? You hairy fucker! You've got a hairy arse, we've seen it.
No offence, but your arse does look like a badger that's been hit with a shotgun.
I mean that with love.
Jimmy, what's this message all about? (LAUGHTER) Er I was trying to see You look like Catherine Zeta-Jones before she went to Hollywood.
How old were you? I reckon, 15.
Aw, Jimmy! You say that.
I was doing a lot of finger blasting when I was 15.
It's Will Mellor, everyone! (CHEERING) The man who invented acting.
He brought acting to the UK.
The British answer to Robert De Niro.
There he is.
Do you know who Will Mellor is? No.
You don't know? He looks like Gerard Butler.
Gerard Butler! That's not bad, take that.
Thank you very much.
Brilliant actor, very successful.
Do you know Broadchurch? No.
Massive show.
You were in just the first series, weren't you? Yeah.
You got killed? No, I didn't! You got wrote out? No, they just didn't ask me back for series 2 and 3.
Line Of Duty, another massive show.
Line Of Duty, yeah.
I got killed in Line Of Duty.
You're the UK's answer to Will Smith, cos you sing as well.
Yeah.
Would you like to see him sing? Yes, yes.
We can't show his videos cos we've showed them all before, unless Pamela wants to see them.
No! Fuck off.
I DO want to see.
Run VT.
Let's have a look at his videos.
# Even though I try # To tell myself # I'll get over you # You're on my mind no matter what I do # Somewhere in my heart # I'm still holding you # You're still inside # No matter what I do # Look at that tash! It never fails, it never fails.
(CHEERING) Jimmy, do you like sport? I like tennis a lot, that's my You do play.
Have you heard they're bringing back an ancient sport for the Olympics in Tokyo in 2020? I haven't, no.
Ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon.
An ancient-Greek sport they're bring back, and we've got the apparatus to play it.
Are we going to? Let's play.
Welcome to the ding-a-ling-a-dong-a-long-a-thon.
As you can see, we've got Jimmy Carr here.
Keep your hands on the horses at the side.
That's it - get ready, chalk up.
Hit the bar as many times as you can Here's my technique.
.
.
within 30 seconds.
Pamela will be recording your whacks.
Are you ready? Oh, yeah, so ready.
Here's the beeps.
Go, Jimmy! Go! Jesus! We're on telly! Christ! We're on telly.
Pamela, watch me! It's not the same if you don't watch.
I like it when you watch.
Watch it.
It's so hard! It's so bloody hard.
Faster, Jimmy, faster! Pick up the pace! You're running out of time.
I'm not bothered.
I think I'm going to come.
I think I'm going to come! (KLAXON) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Is that it, are we done? Keep going.
How are you feeling about that? I've got an actual penis under this one, and it took a bloody battering.
Let's have a look at slo-mo.
Look at the technique.
Oh, that is the dream.
Oh! Can you reveal how many Jimmy got? 51! (CHEERING) Next up is Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING) We've now got Gino D'Acampo here.
Pamela, could you help me take the strap-on off? No.
You're always like that afterwards.
I can tell you that Jimmy has the world record at the moment.
How do you feel about that? Pretty good.
I wish Gino all the best, but for Pamela's safety, Gino should wear a condom on his.
He don't need a condom, cos he's had the snip.
Oh, yeah.
'The best thing I ever do in my life, the best thing I ever do'.
When you bisect me doesn't mean that you don't spam out.
How do you say? (LAUGHTER) How do you say? You don't spam out? You still spam out, but they're not alive, like, 'Ooh'! 'Ooh'? 'Where am I going'? Gino, you know what you're doing? I will use a different technique, not the English technique, because we all know it's - bam, bam, bam - nothing happens.
I'm using the Italian technique, I'm going to go for the arsehole.
(BLIPS) Oh! HOLLY: I hope he's eager.
(LAUGHTER) I think he's dead.
Shut up! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Is it there? You rub it on the clitosis.
(KLAXON) And then - bang! That's it, that's it! Time's up.
Pamela, how many was that? 14! 14 good ones.
14 good ones.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Tell me the truth - looking at the action, which one would you fuck? I can't say.
Thank you.
And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break now.
See you in three.
Coming up after t'break (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hurrah! Welcome back.
Have any of you heard about that underground fighting craze the kids are doing? ALL: No.
Fighting underground? It's called Battle Chips.
Battle Chips? Not heard this.
Want to play? Yeah.
I'll tell you how it goes.
You'll be in a circle, you won't be able to leave.
Right.
Whilst you're in the circle, you have chips up your nostrils.
Wait a minute, I'm already at a disadvantage here.
Yes, you are.
Having big nostrils might be good, they might fall out.
I've got a lot of tension I can act on.
No offence to Fearne, but she could play this with baguettes.
We thought about Fearne's nostrils, so we've had special chips made.
She'll be playing with these.
Perfect.
I'm joking.
Stuff the chips up your nostrils, hands behind your back.
You have to get the chips from your opponent's nose whilst protecting your own chips.
OK.
Let's play! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello, and welcome to Battle Chips.
Playing Battle Chips tonight is none other than Holly Willoughby! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) She will be playing against Fearne Cotton! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) (LAUGHTER) Look how far yours has gone up.
Oh, fuck off! Ladies, stop arguing.
Deal with it.
The fight can only happen when you enter my ring.
Into the ring.
It keeps falling out of my nose.
Hands behind your backs.
Who's got the wider nostrils now, eh? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Don't! 3, 2, 1.
Hang on.
They're coming out! (KLAXON) I can't get them to stay! Go! The klaxon's gone.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Clever chops is the winner! That is so difficult! Teenaged boys at home, this is my gift to you - get some tissues, enjoy.
Next up, Will Mellor and Gino D'Acampo! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino, you can do it the Italian way - up the arse.
(LAUGHTER) Stay in the circle, hands behind your back.
Get the chips out of your opponent's nose.
If you eat the chip, you'll get an extra point.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) Really? I dig Italian snot.
PAMELA: Don't do it.
Pick your chips carefully.
Look how short your chips are! That's one chip.
Did you say something about the length of the chip? What? (LAUGHTER) OK, playing Battle Chips tonight is Gino Sheffield D'Acampo (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino! .
.
against Will Mellor! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You'll go on the klaxon.
Enter the circle.
Are you ready? They're going! (KLAXON) Keep in the circle, keep in the circle.
(LAUGHTER) Keep in the circle, Mellor, in the circle! In the circle.
I'm staying in the circle! I'm not doing bad at this.
Get back in there! AUDIENCE: Oh! Fourth one, fourth one.
I'll get it out.
In the circle.
Where's he gone?! (LAUGHTER) Keep in the circle! Oi! HOLLY: Put a dog in there.
In the circle.
Oh, fucking hell! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Gino D'Acampo has won! AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! We've finished that round, but for a bit of fun, I want to have a go.
The person I'm challenging, if they beat me, get a point for their team.
Jimmy Carr! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Too easy, too easy.
Please, sir, choose your weapons.
I'll have that one.
That's a good chip.
Go short and fat, Jimmy - short and fat.
Short and fat is what I'm working with, baby.
Yeah.
This fucking stinks.
Can anyone smell chips? (LAUGHS) Pamela, do t'smoke, in showers.
OK.
My name's Keith.
This is really heavy.
He's called Jimmy.
Press it there.
I unplugged it.
Like a wrestling referee.
OK.
Keith and Ji (LAUGHTER) You don't need to pump.
Keith and Jimmy Keith Lemon.
Keith Lemon and Jimmy Carr.
Go, 'Keith Lemon'! and spray it.
It doesn't happen.
Press it.
That happens to a lot of guys.
(LAUGHTER) It's heavy.
I'll do the spray.
Keith Lemon and Jimmy Carr.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Are you ready? You ready? (KLAXON) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT) AUDIENCE: Oh! Oh, you can lick 'em, but you can't get 'em.
Lick away! I like it when you lick.
You bastard! You bastard! (LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) Fuck! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) You don't get the point, but I enjoyed myself.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Fearne, have you ever been in a supermarket and looked at an aubergine, but forgotten what they're called, so you've had to mime when you say, 'I'd like one of those'? Funnily enough, no.
I've maybe forgotten but I haven't mimed.
Just say, 'Yes, I have'.
You know what? I do that all the time.
Well, you'll love this next game.
Let's play (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Can Sarah come to Aisle 17, please? Hello, welcome to Zaynsbury's.
I work here.
This is the reasonably priced supermarket founded by Zayn Malik from One Direction when he left.
He wanted to be normal, so he opened a supermarket.
I love working here, it's a dream.
First of all, I'll have to get a panellist.
Hello, hello? Can Jimmy Carr come to the till, please? Jimmy Carr, to the till.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) It's all right, yeah.
This game is simple.
We'll have a panellist inside a 5p bag.
They have to convey an everyday item from a supermarket using only the power of mime.
You guess what that item is.
Easy.
Right, cool.
(BEEP) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) (LAUGHTER) There he is! OK.
Let's see if you can guess what item he is.
Jambo from Hollyoaks.
Rotisserie chicken.
(MAKES POPPING SOUNDS) OK, so he's sticking onto something.
(POPS) Did you go to drama school, did you? (POPS) It's really paid off, innit? Microwave.
(POPS) Popcorn! Popcorn.
Microwave popcorn.
Popcorn.
Good! It's really good.
Get back in the bag.
Careful, or that's going to be a bag for life, mate.
He looks happy in there.
We've got an unexpected item in the bagging area again.
(BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
I think he's trying to seduce me.
What can he be? I still think it's Jambo from Hollyoaks.
(GRUNTS) (LAUGHTER) (GRUNTS) A biscuit.
A frisbee.
A frisbee? A frisbee.
That's I mean This man, this man is an actor.
Sounds like there's an unexpected item in the bagging area.
(BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) Is it one of the Dolmio puppets? (LAUGHTER) The Human Centipede.
No.
A butt plug? Yes.
You were supposed to be a bath plug.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Get back in.
Hey, we've got another unexpected item in the bagging area.
(BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHTER) Woo! Pssh! Shower gel? (POPS) I'm saying, shower something.
(LAUGHTER) Are you sucking a cock? It looks It looks a little like you (POPS) Yeah, it's erect.
It's popping off.
Whoa! It's going everywhere.
God, It's all over you, like bukkake.
(LAUGHTER) Champagne.
Yes! Champagne! Yes.
Don't shout out! I was enjoying that.
That was being stored away.
There's another unexpected item in the bagging area.
Oh! (BEEPS) Unexpected item in bagging area.
(TALES OF THE UNEXPECTED THEME) (LAUGHS) It's your laugh, in a bag! (WAILS AND CACKLES) I think Holly's just come.
(LAUGHTER) (SNORTS) What happened in there? Wow! This is my job.
Bear with.
Oh, this is good.
Ssh! Ssh! Holly, be careful your spadge don't fall out.
Wsht, wsht! Look what Fearne can see now.
I can confirm, she has got a massive bush.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Oi! Wsht, wsht, wsht! Is it a vacuum cleaner? Sweep Sweeping Triangle.
What? Any guesses? Hey, you watch her down there.
Right, ready? Wsht, wsht, wsht.
Is it a dustpan and brush? Yes! I was being a dustpan.
Sure.
And the scores at the end of that round are - sha-ting! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) We're going to an ad break.
See after t'advertisements.
Coming up I look like you in 2017.
We look alike.
We could be brothers.
Now, but you were fucking ugly in 2002.
/font (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello! Welcome back.
You having a good time? Jimmy, you're back with an oldie but goldie, Your Face Or Mine.
The first show.
You know when people say, 'I wish I could have my career again'? I'm doing it.
Tell us how it works.
You come on with your other half You come on your other half? That was my original idea.
Come on with your other half, then we bring on his ex-girlfriends, and he tells us, for money, if they're better-looking than you.
It sounds bad, but it gets so much worse.
Does it end in arguments? There's been some amazing moments, where we brought on the ex-girlfriend, and she's gone, 'I thought, until you called, I was the girlfriend'.
Oh, my God! In homage, we've got a picture of you back in 2002 when you did Your Face Or Mine and a picture of you now.
We asked our audience Cool! .
.
which version of Jimmy Carr did they prefer.
There you are in 2002.
You look pale there, don't you? I was You look like you were in that fucking vampire film.
Thanks God you were a comedian.
Say that again.
I said, thanks God you were funny, because 'Thanks God'? I look like you in 2017! We look alike, we could be brothers.
Yeah, now, but you was fucking ugly in 2002.
(LAUGHTER) Come on! Are you going for 2017? I'm going for 2017.
Yes, please.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I'm very pleased.
My wife fancies you.
What did you say? 'Mah waff sasassa su'.
Maybe you can hold the camcorder while I do her.
(LAUGHTER AND GROANS) There's all to play for in our final round.
It's The Buzzer Round! Ooh! Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer? BUZZER: Check out dem titties.
Titties, because you indeed have tits and he IS one.
Fearne, what's your buzzer this week? BUZZER: Bell end! You've all got bell ends.
Buzz in if you know the answer.
Here's the first question.
Who is Kristen Stewart impersonating here? BUZZER: The big, fat hairy cock's going to get me.
Fearne's team? Eminem.
It is a bit Eminem.
No, Jambo from Hollyoaks.
Let's have a look.
Oh, yes! There you go.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) An inspired look.
What has Rochelle Humes recently had framed? BUZZER: Massive fucking tits.
No, she hasn't.
She had her umbilical cord framed in the word 'love'.
When they do that, does that mean, when the umbilical cord comes out, she has to draw the word 'love'? No, they just snip it, then they just Do we have a picture of it? There it is.
(HOWLS) (RETCHES) It's nice to have a memento of the day, but I think, just keep the kid.
(LAUGHTER) You've got a point.
Sensible.
What has Ed Sheeran said he hasn't done for five years? BUZZER: Knob! Is it, open the fridge, cos he's worried about sunburn? BUZZER: Look at dem breasticles, boy.
Didn't he say he hadn't been angry for five years? Correct.
He hasn't got angry for five years.
What did Fearne recently reveal she did not change for a week? BUZZER: Bell end! Jock strap? Real close.
Close to your jock strap? Underpants.
For a week? I was climbing a mountain.
You dirty bitch! Nobody did! Cheryl Cole didn't, Gary Barlow didn't.
But I imagine they've got a clean undercarriage.
Mine's clean as a whistle! I bet they had to take it off with a toffee hammer.
What's the weirdest sound Will Mellor can make? BUZZER: Me dangly pipe! (SQUEAKS) (GASPS) What the Sellotape.
JIMMY: Do that, do that.
The answer is sticky tape? I'd say, yes.
That's correct.
(KLAXON) That's the end of The Buzzer Round, the end of this week's Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is It must be us.
(AS GINO) It must be us, it must be us.
The winning team is .
.
Holly's team! (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) I was Keith Lemon, and if I don't see you for a week, I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance! # JIMI JAMISON: I'm Always Here Bye! Bye, Pamela! Bye, now! ALL: Bye!